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| I just think we have all become too fussy
Posted: 10/23/2007 10:08:46 PM |
On the other hand, if I am willing to be in a conscious relationship where we are respectful partners working on those rough edges together, then most all of the lady things I can think of to be picky about don't matter much. What does matter is her willingness to put all her baggage up on the table along side mine and sort through it to decide what we want to keep. I have found that instant explosive chemistry, earth-moving sex and all that don't last very long without that willingness to be aware of what we need to do to keep it going in the long run once the fire dies down a bit.
Waywardseeker makes an excellent point. I would add that in some cases we need to overlook the rough edges. We all have them. We are not at the age to do a whole lot of changing. I also like the honesty of one (or more) fellows who say they don't know what they want but will know when the find it. Throw away the lists. We appear "fussy" because we know what we don't want. We don't want the failure, we are afraid of being the failure. Too fussy? Maybe, or maybe we are fearful.
Eventuall you'll figure it out that, it's not about money, not about good looks, and certainly not about any of the crap we insist on in all of our previous relationships. No.
It's about caring, sharing, doing nice things just to see the smile on the face you do those things for. Nothing else.
Weefishee: As we Texans say when we agree with you, "There ya go." I didn't look up, yet, where you live or how old you are, but you got it dude!!!!!!
There are people in this world who are just high maintenance and there are people who are low maintenance. I think relationships are a lot easier for people who are low maintenance. It's not that we settle for less or put up with more............it's just that there are only a dozen things that are really important and the other things don't really matter.......we can adapt........
Especially those of us who have struggled with a little life and death, be it our own struggle and/or watching someone else. I am always saying, "Don't sweat the small stuff." Or my favorite quote, I forget the author's name, "Don't meet your problems halfway."
Weefishee gets the prize: We want to love and be loved in return. Not just in a male female partner situation, also in friendships, why waste time trying to please some one unpleasable? I think at the age we are, we just recognize the symptoms of consideration vs. inconsiderate, respect vs. selfishness, lust Vs. love, obsession vs. attraction, accepting vs. controlling, abusive vs. healthy, smart vs. dumb, reciprocity vs. keeping score, etc, etc, etc. | |
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| I just think we have all become too fussy
Posted: 10/24/2007 2:41:29 AM | Beachdancer, I agree..........when you've gone through some kind of life/death situation whether it's been yourself or someone you loved.........all of a sudden there are only a few things that can't be compromised ......... the rest doesn't matter much and can be worked out.
And yes, we all want to be loved and to love. I think we underestimate how much we want to love............I believe there is an inborn need in most people to give love. That's why we get pets when the kids grow up!
Funny story! I called my mother one day and she said she had to go.......she was cooking the dog breakfast and I said to her, "How come you never cooked breakfast for me?"  | |
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| I just think we have all become too fussy
Posted: 10/24/2007 8:46:26 AM |
While I not consider having high energy to equate with being high maintenance, I do agree that it isn't being too fussy to want some who has the same energy levels as I do.
How does one measure high energy? Who decided that high energy equated with high maintenance. Appears to me it's a lot of negative energy designed to justify why you can't find a partner that would work. Just claim your proof of superiority by not being with anyone. After a while, it just appears dumb to reiterate the same things to pump up your ego.
Why would anyone want someone who was into interests that bored them?
Why would anyone want someone that is bored with interests outside their own? Seems to me expanding your interests would keep things from getting boring.
world can be my judge as to whether or not I am too fussy, or just not setting myself up for failure.
OK, I judge your too fussy and your not setting yourself up for success either.
I have to balance the happy life I already have with the compromises I would have to make to have someone in my life. Guess if I weren't as content as I am, I want to compromises more. Reality is I haven't and probably won't meet somone special enough for me to change my compromise level.
Reality is you won't ever meet anyone to keep you as 'happy' as you can keep yourself and they can only introduce confusion in your postulations of self happiness. Anyone that tries to get you to change is fulfilling your projections of all suitors backing up to your low opinion of men in general and anyone that you decide to partner with disproves that same postulation.
Being an only child, I am used to deciding what I want and having it that way
I guess by claiming that you wish to stay happy and alone your getting exactly what you want, eh????
I say another poster nailed it by asking:
why waste time trying to please some one unpleasable?
And yes, we all want to be loved and to love.
I have to disagree with the above statement because some people only care about getting love and don't want to give it. Then by claiming others are not worthy, they can maintain their own inferiority complex by expounding on how great they are.
I would say it's normal for people to want and give love and there's people that aren't normal. | |
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| I just think we have all become too fussy
Posted: 10/24/2007 9:38:24 AM | ^^^^ Mack, darling,
Lighten up just a bit! Of course there are people who are not normal. Don't let them get to you! I just laugh and remember what my daughter says, "Normal is wierd and wierd is normal." Shoot, I read the profile of the person who said that, and WOW, I would never measure up in his world. Shake it off, baby. | |
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| I just think we have all become too fussy
Posted: 10/24/2007 3:04:39 PM |
Lighten up just a bit! Of course there are people who are not normal. Don't let them get to you!
Thanks for the concern but there's nothing for me to shake off. I just call it as I see it.
To me it seems absurd to be on a dating site dismissing everybody as unworthy and then try to prove your happy and hope for a date.
I've always found those that have to insist their happy positive people have the capacity for the greatest anger. It's compensatory behavior.
Nasty malcontent people can't get dates but they don't view themselves as nasty. They have to compensate with something to make themselves appear different. To compensate, they could take the sweet approach to demonstrate how not nasty they can be but most see this as irritating sacrin sweet. They could take the approach of justifying their nastiness in hopes of finding someone that 'understands' or any number of compensatory behaviors to offset the nastiness.
In the case of claiming to be happy and contented alone with the qualifier 'if the right one comes along' they'll change, means they are compensating for their inability to get a date by reiterating how happy they are alone. How happy can they be if they can only complain about every possible connection being unworthy.
The amount of discrepancy between their projected image and the reality takes a lot of 'high energy' compensatory behavior. It's a way of never having to face one's own inadequacy.
I'll make the analogy of someone coming into a room aggressively trying to start a fight. most people are afraid to challenge the aggressiveness because they don't know how to engage without getting hurt. I have been trained in self defense and will draw the aggressor to me because I know how to engage without getting hurt. To the untrained, it's just 2 people fighting. The people that are trained will see that I realize the difference between aggression and assertiveness and see I assert my position knowing aggression puts me into a weaker position.
As much as any one gets to make absurd claims, is as much I get to counter them. | |
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| I just think we have all become too fussy
Posted: 10/24/2007 3:39:17 PM | ^^^If you're so trained in "self defense" then you're fully aware that self-defense is all about being in "control" of not only your physical strengths, but your emotional behaviour toward others, as well. You seem to try and use your "agressive" nature to belittle other's and therefore, put yourself into an "agressive" position on the forums when you're simply inviting "aggressive" instead of "assertive" responses to your counter. I'm just sayin'..
Just my opinion..why are you so angry? (Like I have room to talk!)
Sans | |
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| I just think we have all become too fussy
Posted: 10/24/2007 5:00:39 PM | "Who decided that high energy equated with high maintenance."
Read the posts other than those you so love flame and you will see who made the above comment in the first place. It certainly wasn't me.
Where would certain posters be if they didn't get material for their complaining from the people who they just can't resist flaming.
I think some people are too fussy about flaming only a few.............no wait a minute, they are always finding new people to flame for their own reasons.
Am I the only one who notices that the flamer usually is complaining about something in the other poster than they themselves do constantly.
In England they call fussy people fuss pots. | |
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| I just think we have all become too fussy
Posted: 10/24/2007 5:52:09 PM | Oh, and I might have been the one who brought up high maintenance in the first place............. But I didn't mean high energy........... My daughter was telling me that I was dating a high maintenance man and she said that meant that he only felt loved when he got a lot of attention..........all the time. For example, if I wanted to watch a really good show on TV, even if I talked to him for hours, he still felt like I didn't love him if the TV show was more important then he was.........that kind of thing...........but I think others interpeted it as being high ENERGY.............
Oh, well..........everybody kiss and makeup........ | |
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| I just think we have all become too fussy
Posted: 10/24/2007 6:08:19 PM | | Being 46 and seeing 47 just around the corner, I think that growing old is a 2 edge sword. On one hand, it's GOOD to evolve, to learn from our mistakes, to refine our routine in to what we hope is a healthy, moral lifestyle. On the other hand, by doing just that, we're perceived (and rightly so) of being "set in our ways". I thing being set in our ways is great, as long as "our ways" are an improvement from our old ways. Every day is like a second chance, a chance to implement the newly gained knowledge from the mistakes we made the day before. The problem is that no matter how refined we think our lives are, it's all subjective, and there's someone out there who'd like to modify the way we are. It all seems like a bit of a paradox. I'm just gonna be the best I can be and remember that as we grow older, we gain more experience in life, and those experiences further shape who we are. | |
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| I just think we have all become too fussy
Posted: 10/24/2007 6:39:02 PM |
If you're so trained in "self defense" then you're fully aware that self-defense is all about being in "control" of not only your physical strengths, but your emotional behaviour toward others, as well.
To which others? The ones that make unreasonable claims or those that have to hear it. I guess you may think I'm angry because I contend some assertions made and you don't agree with my contentions.
I am in control of my emotions and I will and do confront issues whether they cause anger or not. If something angers me I deal with it instead of stuffing it. I think it's harmful to let incorrect assertions go unchallenged.
I could understand if someone says "I'm happy alone and don't feel like changing" but when they add "but if the right one comes along..." guess what?, they will have to change if it the right one comes along. Along with pride in 'raising rejection to an art form' and attempts to portray oneself as 'above average' I find the lack of grammar, correct spelling and punctuation to be as contradictory as claims of a life of contentment.
Why am I so angry? I'd ask why do you think it's anger? Do you not like hearing that someone is challenging the assertions you hold. Are you prepared to spend years promoting happiness being alone on a dating site too?
I'm not too fussy about dating , I'm real fussy about the truth. | |
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| I just think we have all become too fussy
Posted: 10/24/2007 7:31:28 PM | ^^^yeah, whatever dude. You have a chip on your shoulder and you have so much ingrained anger inside of you that you choose to take the "aggessive" appoach to try and "bully'' your opponent instead of taking the smart, "assertive" approach that the true self defense tactics are taught upon.
I'm not the least bit intimidated by you. You would challenge a goat if they disagreed with you..too funny! Dude, pick and choose your battles. They "teach" that in self-defense, remember?? I do. haha!! But, noooo..you have to constantly "validate" yourself by going on a dating site trying to "measure your worth" as a man by bullying everyone on the forums..I'm sure your "Ninja" instructor is so proud of you. haha!!
Martial arts is all about "self-control" of the soul, mind, and body and anger is not an option. At least this is what I was taught in my training. I'm still working on the "anger" aspect of my training. LOL
Sans | |
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| I just think we have all become too fussy
Posted: 10/24/2007 10:43:28 PM | I don't5know about anyone else.....but no matter how happy I can feel on my own.....there is always something missing..... that's why I still want to date and hopefully find a partner.
Pete | |
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| I just think we have all become too fussy
Posted: 10/25/2007 4:07:21 AM | peterjol,
With that wetsuit on I'm assuming finding a suitable mermaid hasn't panned out for you as well? Can't say you haven't been looking if you've gone to that extreme. Maybe you're being too fussy? I don't think you'll find any mermaids where the bottom half is woman. | |
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| I just think we have all become too fussy
Posted: 10/25/2007 5:24:08 AM | "no matter how happy I can feel on my own.....there is always something missing....."
I used to feel that way. Looking back I now realize that is was only because I was still lonely during my grieving. For me time did heal all. | |
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| I just think we have all become too fussy
Posted: 10/25/2007 5:43:19 AM | I'm not the least bit intimidated by you. You would challenge a goat if they disagreed with you..too funny! Dude, pick and choose your battles.
I choose to avoid battles and I don't pick any. But I don't run either.
It's good your not intimidated and goats aren't fussy.
Yea I got so much anger, happiness, sadness, love, passion and just about every other human emotion in me, why is it you can only detect anger?
Martial arts is all about "self-control" of the soul, mind, and body and anger is not an option.
Yea, every time I find someone with this attitude I realize that they loose control when angry and I teach my students to take advantage when someone looses control with anger and get duffy with them. I think it is better to accept your anger and control it then to deny it and let it control you. Aggressive anger is destructive, Assertive anger shows how you feel without the destruction.
There's a line between aggressive and assertive that aggressive types usually don't recognize.
I don't resort to calling people names (aggressive) I question statements I disagree with instead of letting them pass (assertive).
I don't make statements and stick a "ha ha" at the end as I don't get the humor at trying to belittle others.
Martial arts is only a small part of self defense and that's why I use the term self defense instead of martial arts.
I don't mind being a target for aggressive types as it shows everybody else who is willing to laugh at another instead of getting another to laugh.
I guess you may think I have to validate myself and imply there is something wrong with self validation.
I don't care if bullies think I'm aggressive and I don't challenge everyone's statements in the forum, just those that aggressively try to postulate justifications for belittling others.
As far as controlling your anger, I'd recommend eliminating the display of demeaning others by laughing at them as it will make other aggressive types justify retaliation.
I used to feel that way. Looking back I now realize that is was only because I was still lonely during my grieving. For me time did heal all.
What about the part about being able to get and maintain an LTR? I think Peter's admitting his missing feelings will help him find someone else that admits to their feelings and there is no healing necessary.
Why is it you view this normal feeling as a disease. Every lonely person has to heal?
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| I just think we have all become too fussy
Posted: 10/25/2007 7:21:31 AM | Interesting idea..........is the desire to share one's life with another treated as a disease now by others? Yes, I think it is sometimes. The 70's, 80's, and 90's were the "Me" generation. Everybody was supposed to be totally self sufficient and never NEED others. And to a degree, that was a good thing. Men and women discovered new things about themselves...........Men could cook and take care of kids, women could manage businesses..........
But I reached the point, too, that Peter talks about...........
And my experience is that the first part of making a relationship work is knowing that you really want one.........
And some people DON'T..................And some people really DO..........
There's no right or wrong to it...........It's just a matter of figuring out for yourself if you do or you don't. If you do then look for someone else who does, too. If you don't, then look for someone else who doesn't. I think the problem is that some people say they do when they really don't and some people say they don't when they really do.
The first step is knowing what you really want. Not saying what others want to hear so they will date you. I mean, I know so many women who have waited six years or so for some guy to propose and the guy never does..............Of course not, he really doesn't want a committed relationship but, if he told you that, you wouldn't have slept with him, right? I was told that by the man himself by the way! I'm not bashing guys.............he knew what he did ..........(it wasn't me......they were both my friends and I tried to tell her so many times that Jim would never marry her if he hadn't wanted to in the first two years!) Now the part I DIDN'T understand in that situation was that as soon as she left him, he married someone else about ten months later! I've tried to ask him and he even seems confused about why he did that! (he was my friend more then she was) Anyone have a clue why he did that? And it happened to a son of a guy I was talking to the other day............he was in a long term relationship, the minute she cut it off, he married someone else less then a year later and the father was baffled by it, too...... I had no clue......still don't.......
And there are people who really are happy being alone and just want people they can do things with here and there.
I know that I am the type of person who is always happier in a relationship. I've been that way since I was little. I can take care of myself...........I just prefer to have that special person to come home to and do things with and share my life with.
But I don't hold anything against people who are happier on their own and don't want a relationship.............that's fine, too............
But I know that when I say that I am happier in a relationship or do want one, a lot of people seem to thing I have ulterior motives for wanting a man or why aren't I happy with myself.............that kind of stuff.........like if I'm not completely happy on my own or need someone for anything, there's something wrong with me.....
I don't let it bother me anymore. I know there are other people out there looking for the same thing I am.............I've had it in the past...........hopefully I will find it again.
Like Peter said! | |
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| I just think we have all become too fussy
Posted: 10/25/2007 12:59:51 PM | I wish everyone luck in finding a person that they want to be in a relationship with, including myself.
I am just being realistic when I acknowledge that the older we get the higher the chances are that we won't end up in a relationship that stands the test of time.
My problem is and has always been those who rush into their next bad relationship. To me it just isn't worth starting a relationship, unless we think there is a darn good chance that it will work. Of course, we can't know for sure what the future will bring. However, if we start off turning a blind eye to things that are bothering us.........why go there at all?
Way back when I used to suffer from being lonely, it sucked big time. I am just trying to point out that after being single for a long period of time (for me anyway) being lonely stopped happening.
We are all a work in progress. During times of pain, I think we have to most growth. After the times of pain, comes (hopefully) the time of contentment.
Being fussy silently while closing a blind eye might be the answer for some, just not me. | |
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| I just think we have all become too fussy
Posted: 10/25/2007 2:33:45 PM |
am just being realistic when I acknowledge that the older we get the higher the chances are that we won't end up in a relationship that stands the test of time.
Moraima? That has been my honest to God fear! You are able to at the very least say you did have it at one point in your life. I on the other hand, have not. Am now middle aged and my deepest fear is that I never will have that special love. Me fussy? No, more like realistic. I have an open heart and would love nothing more than to feel what you have experienced. I would like to think that I am not fussy, just a tad more guarded at my age. To all of the hearts in this post looking for the elusive Mr/Miss Right, I hope you all luck out (even you Mack) and end up leaving pof for that special someone. | |
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| I just think we have all become too fussy
Posted: 10/25/2007 2:40:47 PM | I can understand that Moraima, the older we get, the less our chances are. That is being realistic I guess. I am not afraid of it though, because I am happy where I am.. That is not saying I wouldn't want to be in a loving relationship, and regardless of our age, I see it happening all the time, so there is hope!! JMO
I don't think we are fussy, just our chances are slim! | |
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| I just think we have all become too fussy
Posted: 10/25/2007 3:03:38 PM | I agree, Ageless Wonder, and don't give up hope, Moraima.........
My cousin who we thought must be gay because he never seemed interested in women got married for the first time in his 50's and it was great! I had never seen him smile that much or be that happy and she was, too! And it was her first marriage, too!
Also I've mentioned my 70 year old friends who just got married and my 80 year old neighbors! Chances may be slim but you never know......... | |
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| I just think we have all become too fussy
Posted: 10/25/2007 3:42:57 PM | Hope has nothing to do with it for me. It doesn't matter to me either way,I know that I will be enjoying life.
Decades ago, I used to think that the saddest thing in the world was to be single. I am glad that I don't think that way any more.
Now and then, when leaving married friends houses, I am so glad to be going home alone. I spent several hours seeing them fussy at each other. I think to myself, why can't you appreciate what you have, instead of nitpicking at each other. Oh well, I guess some people just want someone to nitpick with.
I have other friends that I can see the wonderful changes that have come into their lives now that they have a partner. These particular people were very fussy in their pick but it has been worth the wait. | |
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| I just think we have all become too fussy
Posted: 10/25/2007 4:31:17 PM | Interesting thread. You can call it what you want - fussy, selective, picky, nitpicky or any other number of adjectives. The way I see it? When I was born, my life was a pile of wet, muddy clay sitting on a potter's wheel. 51 years and a lifetime of experience later, I've finally got the damned thing resembling something that looks like a bowl.
If someone is going to come into my life and take up residence, they can decorate the bowl all they want and I may even let them pinch a spot in the top for a spout of sorts, but at the first sign that they're going to take my bowl and turn it into something I'm not comfortable with? I'm going to take my clay and go home. | |
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| I just think we have all become too fussy
Posted: 10/25/2007 4:47:53 PM | topjack, don't take this wrong but I just realized that your picture should be the poster for POF's first daters, naked with flowers.......... On the shores of Gitchegoomee? Wasn't that how it began?
I'm not trying to offend you ........you seem to be a guy who can appreciate a joke. But your pic would just be the perfect poster for POF first daters! | |
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