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| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/7/2007 7:44:07 AM | YIKES!!!!!!!!!!!! Good thing you left, he has serious mental problems.
If he is threatening his kids, it might be good to let his ex-wife know. It sounds like it's only a matter of time before he hits one of them too. He should not be seeing his kids unsupervised by an impartial third party. | |
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| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/7/2007 7:47:58 AM | Angelbunny-
The ONLY way to get over this is to check off days on a calendar. I mean only time can fix the hurt you have endured.
A man who beats on a woman(or his kids) has more problems than you could EVER fix. One day you will feel the weight has been lifted from you but only time(and maybe some counseling) can heal this wound.
My heart aches for you. Good luck. | |
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Nona37
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Joined: 10/3/2007
Msg: 30 | |
| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/7/2007 8:02:22 AM | I first want to say, you did the right thing by leaving him. I also want to state that he is an "abuser". If you go back to him, YOU will be his next victim. Abusers are always charming and very convincing, but you have seen the writing on the wall, besides, if any man/woman will harm their own children, they will not think twice of harming their significant other. I know of instances where women have lied and gotten men in trouble in reference to DOmestic Violence, but this case shows, he was prosecuted NUMEROUS times for the same crime, therefore leading the way of knowing, he is most definitely an abuser.
It sounds like you very might have some self-esteem issues, and I say that kindly, not in a mean nor hurtful way, the reason I state this is due to you staying with him even though he was verbally and emotionally abusing you, this is usually how the "abuse" starts, most abusers test the waters with mental/verbal and emotional abuse, they are laying the foundation for when they actually start physically abusing you.
I would recommend you relying on your social network, talk about it to your friends, have that support line, no woman deserves to be treated harshly and first and foremost physically abused, children do not deserve this as well, I personally would have called CPS on this lunatic upon witnessing him physically abusing his innocent children.
What you miss is the perception of what you "THOUGHT" he was, not him! You need to accept the fact, this man lied/cheated, he is no-good and if you go back to him, you will suffer the same fate as his exes and YOU will be the one in the pictures with the bruises, the warning signs are there, you are equipped with the most IMPORTANT tool, and this is "TRUTH"! Good luck to you and God Bless, and by the way, I speak of these things from experience. | |
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| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/7/2007 8:09:31 AM | He just called AGAIN. The only message left on my voicemail was an entire song that is on my 'myspace' profile which he has a link to. ...THIS felt strange to me and a bit scarey. Maybe he thought it would be romantic and remind me of 'us'...but for some reason I feel afraid because of it...he didn't say a word...just played the music...I haven't answered the phone or returned his calls since Friday.
I am staying inside with my doors locked and close to the forum and talk to my other friends and family for support too. | |
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| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/7/2007 9:08:26 AM | Hi Hon,
OMG...is his name Nicholas Wilson?! That is my ex's name and he used to leave love songs on my answering machine. Also he had a voice like an angel and very gifted with guitar and would just sing and play a song and leave on my machine.... not say a word....scary.
Hon...does your family or a sister or best friend know what is happening to you right now? If not, please call someone, they can help you physically right now and we cannot. If any thing ,just call the police in your city and get advice on staying safe, what to do next....okay.
You should not ever have to live in fear...no human being has the right to do this to another.
Hopefully he will be in jail soon.....oh, hell just give me his address...I'm not afraid any more of these creeps and have had enough of him scaring you!!
Keep writing hon, so I know you are safe. | |
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| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/7/2007 9:20:18 AM | Looks like a couple other people pointed out that he's an abuser. Sounds like he's a classic verbaly abuser with tendencies towards physical abuse.
Leave him out of your life. You do realize that you can block numbers from your phone, or just not pick up the receiver? You owe this person nothing, why keep feeding thier emotional angst? Lock him out and lose the key. | |
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| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/7/2007 9:29:48 AM | Wow angel, I feel for you. That is a scary story. I'd get a restraining order pronto. The poor kids - what a tragedy. Since he seems to blame everyone for everything, if you call child services, he will most likely figure out it's you, so I'd get that restraining order first then call child services. Those poor kids are probably already traumatized - the sooner he has less access to them, the better.
Jewlsey | |
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| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/7/2007 9:40:26 AM | Just letting you all know I am okay. He hasn't come over yet. I DO expect he will do that too though. He has been calling, but not leaving messages after the last one he left that was just music. I am saving all of them and noting all the times he calls. I told him clearly it was over on Friday. He doesn't seem to accept that. The more I ignore his phone calls and don't communicate with him,...the more I know he will become angry because he isn't getting his narcissistic supply of my love and adoration anymore...if you write to me, I will send you photos...we looked like a POF "Success Story" couple...and he had insisted we were...and for all this time I had believed it...until his behavior started to erode away the 'dream'...
Thanks to everyone who cares and has written in the forum or to me personally. You have no idea how much it is helping keep me strong and to not go back to him...A woman is in the most danger when she leaves, I am told this, and I feel like it might be true...so I AM taking every proper measure to take care of myself and be safe. Don't worry. I don't have a 'death wish' nor a desire to be abused or beaten. I am being as smart as possible...it is just hard. | |
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| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/7/2007 10:54:10 AM | OP, I'm sorry this happened to you. But I'm glad you realize you can't go back into that situation; it wouldn't be safe for you and it's not what you want in a relationship. Time will help you to get over this, as will thinking about all the negative aspects and NOT the good ones. You have to see what's really all there, not just the good percentage, because the bad outweighs the good regardless of the percentages. Look at this as a learnign experince; you learned some things that you really want in a relationship - and what you don't; and know that you'll eventually find someone who has all the good without the bad. And always remember, it's not you, it's him who had the issues. Don't let him try and guilt you about anything. Best of luck to you.  | |
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| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/7/2007 12:00:05 PM | Thanks again everyone. I am hanging in there. Boy this is difficult! I was doing great before this relationship. Thought it was the icing on the cake of my life that I had worked hard to turn around...
Anyway, still breathing in and out... | |
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| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/7/2007 12:20:49 PM | Angel, i read through your entire post and it scared me how similar our situations are. I found out and overlooked many lies my ex told. I felt like a fool because i stayed time and time again. I no longer feel like a fool. Him and i were together for a year and a half and on the outside things seemed perfect. He treated me like a princess and we got along like you wouldn't believe. I, like yourself, have a big heart. I cared for him more than anything and i kept giving him chances after chances. I'm young, but i've learned my lessons. It's not your fault at all, you loved him. When he wasn't lying, things were perfect. The only reason you don't know what to do is because you do remember the good times, as do i. I can't tell you what you should do, but i can tell you what i did. I broke all ties. He has no way of contacting me. I've read plenty of dating/self help books to better understand how people think, and the warning signs. All you can really do is learn from it and move on. I know it hurts, trust me i know. But if you ever need someone to talk to, don't be shy to contact me. Message me on here, and i can give you my e-mail if you care for more details. Good luck sweetie.
By any chance, was he a Gemini? | |
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| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/7/2007 12:28:28 PM | OMG that is one hell of an experience.
I commend you for posting that story. But honestly, you deserve so much better in life.
Do not let this man back into your life. Close the chapter of this book and move on.
Unfortunately, the lessons we have to learn in life are not always easy. Good luck to you. | |
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| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/7/2007 12:33:44 PM | It sounds to me that with all that was happening in his life that he couldnt take anything else
to happen that he was flying off the handle taking it out on other people in which we all know we just dont do....sounds like slowly things were adding up to this bewhavior that he has had a flying ass temper that he hid from you on purpose its not like he wanted to tell you about all the skeltons in his closet you would of ran like a bat out of hell away from him right away....
Maybe his ex was glad your with him that way he couldnt harrass her anymore. One time I was talking to someone on line who was a victum of his ex girlfriend according to him, I talked to him with caution then I seen one sign and said good bye....i never met him
in person.....funny thing was 2 years later his ex seen me on another site remembered my face got ahold of me turns out this guy was a beater he beat the bloody pulp out of her many times so he lied to me all along and I had the feeling it was only one sided on his part to begin with.....I didnt want no part of that drama. This guy you been seeing seems to know his game well he seems to have plenty of practice at it...its high risk and a chance you would be taking to go back with him call his close friends call his ex wife call his ex girlfriends ask his family are they convinced he is changed if so why? Alot of men say you will regret leaving them or other things when they know they messed up.....thats called a curse ignore it he is trying to get to you.....let him go know matter how much it hurts now you will feel better about this it just takes time to heal let yourself heal.....dont give in. Listen to your head not your heart. You just might he his next victum...look at it this way how many years has he been abusive he wont change over night with flowers, sorry, i love you, forgive me save yourself
Angel_wings1958@yahoo.com if you need to talk | |
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| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/7/2007 12:37:45 PM | | Hi Angel. WOW!! When I first read your post, I thought you were talking about my husband! I am hoping I can help because I have been through and still am going through what you are - to a lesser degree in one way, but greater degree in another. The difference ... I am still married to such a "mentally challenged" man and share 2 children with him. In 12 years, I have attempted to leave him twice ... once through separation, another through divorce. He STILL won't let ME go. So, I came up with the following successful strategy. In my experience, I had found very little support from my family members (they became weary of hearing about it) or anyone else for that matter, including police officers, attorneys and judges. So, I found incentive and decided to become stronger myself. First, I turned to church and several sincere Christian friends. Then, I took on things like yoga and meditation, book reading, writing, word puzzles, "alone time," outside drama avoidance and conflict (lost contact with friends intentionally), and things like that. I had also found the incentive to "fight this wretched battle for happiness" through my children because I do not want them to have to go through the negative effects of single parentness and lack of funds (as I did). At times, it feels like a no win situation, but focusing on only good things gets me through this. Thus, my advice, despite all others to dump this guy in the dirt, is to become independently stronger yourself and then put more into helping this guy OUT of his unfortunate madness. Rather than avoid all contact, be just as nice with your words back to him. Be supportive. Make him feel like you are totally concerned for HIS well being (instead of your own or his children's, for now - even though we know that is the most important thing). If you avoid him or say mean or hurtful things to him right now, you are only feeding his reasons to be more angry. You need to do the opposite. Do not challenge him, you will lose - trust me, I've done this. These type of guys truly DO NOT like to lose control of their situations. They will continuously act and say sweet things for acceptance and order. They will not stop calling or reaching out to those they have already found, quickly or easily. This is an extremely difficult stand to take Angel, but, you MUST think like a warrior. You cannot let this guy upset you any longer nor can you upset HIM. I would not recommend seeing him anymore, but you should talk to him, less frequently but at least, a little. "KILL HIM WITH KINDNESS" as the saying goes. It does not make you weak to tolerate his abusive behavior, just be wise and strong inside. He does not need to know that you are, as a matter of fact, he WILL try to make you feel weaker if you challenge him with your own strength. I so feel for you. I am sorry to hear your story. As one post said, however, this is a common story for many of us ladies. Most people will tell you to run away from this man as fast and far as you can, but I have found the opposite to work better. Good luck to you Angel, and my prayers will be with you. You WILL overcome this barrier. | |
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clay71
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Joined: 7/11/2007
Msg: 43 | |
| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/7/2007 1:15:11 PM | | You noticed a few red flags but,let them go.Nobody wants to think they are being played by someone who is supposed to care about them. Next time I would'nt be so quick to dismiss so many"coincidents". And a flag here or there is usual while first getting to know someone,but I would start paying attention if more and more begin to show up.Take some time to recover and when you're ready move on and forget this person. And if you start to think about how nice this guy was,remember how shady he was as well.JMO. | |
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sum67
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Joined: 12/28/2006
Msg: 44 | |
| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/7/2007 1:29:49 PM | | Wow, that's scary OP. What a story, and I feel bad for you that you have to basically hole up in your home to feel safe. I hope he stops calling you, and save any abusive messages he leaves should you need to call the police. Think about a restraining order. Just be glad you didn't marry the guy...good luck to you in the future, and listen next time to your instincts and pay attention to the red flags you dismissed so often early in the relationship. Just knowing the guy was active on other dating sites should have been enough to call it quits, never mind all the rest of it. | |
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| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/7/2007 1:39:30 PM | OP, under no circumstances should you allow him to contact you again. If he needs to pick up anything or vice versa, have someone else do it, or have someone with you.
DO NOT ALLOW HIM TO CONTACT YOU AGAIN. You are still vulnerable and need time to start the healing. Better yet, get a restraining order to keep him away. Just go to the Justice of the Peace. It shouldn't be too hard because of his past record. | |
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| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/7/2007 2:53:55 PM | To all the fellas above me, thank you for your support too, it means alot to me that men will be protective of a woman in a situation like this. You guys are right...it should have been enough that he lied and was on alot of singles sites hooking up with other women...even meeting them...all during working hours...or would take days off that I didn't know about...but that's just it...I didn't know about it...nothing in his behavior or our realationship would cause me not to trust him..until I found out he was cheating and lying to me...I did leave him then...but he manipulated me...cancelled all the other profiles...took copies of the cancellations...even agreed to go to a counselor if I would take him back...and I stupidly did...several times...
I never knew about his record for domestic violence...about his having been arrested and tried for it...and the reports with his last girlfriend too...and now the current charges...it is so weird to know he could come home after assaulting someone...and act like nothing happened...that he had a great day at work...life as usual...and he still doesn't seem to take seriously the big time trouble he is in with the law for his latest out of control behavior...
I thought he was the nicest and most wonderful guy in the world. | |
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| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/7/2007 3:01:38 PM | Hun get yourself into abuse counseling... Abusers start out charming, wonderful, etc etc... That is the really slick web they weave then suck you dry.
I think most of us have done that kind of thing, it is sadly part of dating.
Keep strong, and get a good support system to help keep you away from him.
The trick for these guys is that you become addicted to them.
Good luck sweet girl | |
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sum67
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Joined: 12/28/2006
Msg: 48 | |
| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/7/2007 3:27:18 PM | Well you said it yourself Angelbunny, you didn't know. Now you do! You know everything.
So God help you if you ever reconsider going back to this guy...knowing what you know. I feel bad for what you went through, but if you did go back now, I would just feel sorry for you. Stick to your guns. | |
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| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/7/2007 3:44:15 PM | Angelbunny,
Your partner should be your best friend, would you treat your best friend like that?
I found out that my Ex had become a prostitute just before we split up
I miss her, I cant say that I have really gotten over her, but hell would freeze over before I would go back to her cheating lying arms
You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect, as any human being does
I got on with my life the best I could, sure there has been tears but now the tears are of our baby girl crying for her food or a clean nappy, she is 6 months old and her mother who also had a cheater, are happy in a good relationship, getting better all the time and we are now working toward opening our own software company
A ship in the harbour is safe, but is that what they built the ship for?
Life has its storms, but proudly sail through them and carry on, the most interesting people are the survivors, scars and all. | |
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| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/7/2007 6:39:48 PM | Just checking in to let you guys know I am okay...my friends and family are concerned I might be in danger if he becomes angry towards me for breaking up with him...but so far...he has only been calling alot and leaving messages...etc...hasn't come over yet...thank goodness...
I am going to try to go to sleep now...don't be concerned if I don't post anymore tonight...I will write tommorrow...thanks to everybody for your support, advice and messages. You have no idea how much it has helped... | |
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