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| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/7/2007 6:51:53 PM | | this person is a typical case of charmer/pyshco that you should run from. You have to be firm with him, best thing is to move away and change your cell phone. He will probably try to stalk you. The problem is he feels that his rage is justified and if someone does him wrong he has the right to do them as much rage as he wants...it has to do with having a narcissistic personality disorder. You can't change his disorder, it would take years of professional help nor should you be a guinea pig, nor should you become his punching bag. Good luck! By the way if he keeps calling feel free to call the police but write him a warning email telling him not to bother you and that its over first. | |
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sum67
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Joined: 12/28/2006
Msg: 52 | |
| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/7/2007 9:00:19 PM | | I'd take your story and tell it to the police if he hasn't stopped calling tomorrow. I don't know what they can do, but they deal with this all the time, and at least you will be proactive about getting rid of this guy instead of dreading and jumping the next time the phone rings or the door knocks. Maybe they can offer some help or advice? We can be on your side here, but it would be nice if there was someone on your end checking into it, unless you have a couple of big brothers that can keep an eye on you. | |
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| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/7/2007 9:03:35 PM | Agreed^^^^ Narcissistic Disorder is one psychosis that most, perhaps all, experts agree is , along with Pedophilia, almost 100% incurable.
I hope you (Angel ) will check out the recent thread regarding narcissists...the women (and men) who have been in relationships with them, have the exact same descriptions, almost to a 'T', of their partners and the subsequent abuse. They are textbook. So is this man you are involved with.
I truly hope you will stay firm and stay away from him...keep the ending an END. Do not fall (again) for the charm trick, nor the threats...until this man finds a new "target", YOU are the target.
Best of luck....and....
Take care...stay safe, and strong. | |
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| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/7/2007 10:15:39 PM |  Koolgirl...my ex Bro-in-law is one.
I am only an armchair "psychologist" on the subject...just did a LOT of reading, talking to psychologist friends, etc., in order to try to understand him....and deal with him. ( I detest him..yet he thinks I like him..I learned how for the sake of my niece & nephew) Stinks.
The "reason" they" are rarely "cured" is due to their refusal to admit/confront that there is a "problem". A Narcissist rarely, if ever, seeks help because, in their opinion, it is everyone ELSE who needs help. If they are in a relationship (they usually are...feeds the needs) it is always their partner who has "issues"...not them.
How can THAT delusion be cured?
That is why they are the Psychologist's nightmare.
Plus the fact...they are almost across the board charming, smart, "normal" to outside folks, seemingly successful, and interested. In reality..they are the opposite.
When they lose jobs ...it's the "other's fault". When they hit verbally/physically it is the "other's fault". So on.
They really are textbook...like Aliens. They ALL share mirror patterns.
Pod People. | |
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| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/7/2007 11:06:01 PM | I sincerely feel for you! I had a very similar experience...went with someone for two years only to find out he had warrants and a darkside that was becoming more abusive that simple verbal abuse, not to mention he was a comulsive liar. Other than his temper tantrums, constant lies, and sporadic fits when feeling slighted he was ideal. He could be VERY charming, was handsome ( a part-time model), and very attentive. We did have alot of fun together for the most part, but the darkside was too much.
He did attend conflict resolution training which did seem to help him somewhat, but the day he lost his temper and placed his hands around my neck was the day I knew I could never fully trust this person and my safety may be jepordized. It got to the point that I was going to call the police on him since his Jekyll- Hyde personality was simply insane.
Sometimes people are wired differently and it can be from a number of factors.In all honesty, the guy I knew simply did not see anything wrong with his behaviour and some of it was based on his upbringing. The problem is that when he was angry he went into this crazy rage with no logic to control his actions. This is extremely dangerous.
If your guy has been abusive in the past in more than one instance, you must not ignore this. I know a girl who also had a great guy- that was until she asked him to leave and he stabbed her over eighty times killing her. "Sorry" will not be enough if you are in a coffin.
I know it is hard to say goodbye to who you thought this person was, but he has dragons to slay of his own- he cannot be your knight. You have helped him know and hopefully realize that he must seek help to heal otherwise the monster that lurks within will only be dormant until the next time.
Peace. | |
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| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/8/2007 7:18:57 AM | Thank you for all of your support and advice everybody. And for the messages and even a phone call from Koolgirl1 (Thankx Sweetie for caring)...I am awake and alive this morning! ...someone tried my door at my apartment last night, which scared me, but eveything seems okay this morning. He hasn't called yet today. I know he is very angry at me...I can sense it...I know the story he is telling himself and his family is that he treated me like a Princess and spent so much time with me...and "look what she does to me and how she doesn't appreciate me"...etc.etc.etc....because it was his story about all his past GF's and his ex-wife...HE IS A GREAT GUY!...this is what he keeps saying...and the weird thing is, he 'appeared' to be in most all repects...but why does he have to keep telling everyone that? Because I learned it is a facade...what he wanted me and everyone to believe about him...his 'False Self'...
Even weirder, and more difficult is that he truly treated me like a princess when we were together...lots of affection...MOST of the time...few disagreements...much laughter and fun and happy times...(it was only occasionally good in the intimate part of our relationship...as he was 'unable'...much of the time for some reason)...yes all was 'wonderful and amazing...and I overlooked or learned to slowly accept the red flags...that in hindsight were all over the place...and the past few months, he would be seemingly positive and stable...and very quickly fly into a frightening out of control rage...for any percieved slight...and become horribly violent and unstable...and just as quickly go back to being Mr. Nice Guy...
For instance...instead of a normal person ignoring someone who cuts them off in traffic...or maybe being slightly irritated,.... most of us would change lanes and get away from someone who seems to be driving poorly or is preoccupied...he took such minor things as a personal affront....and chased down and assaulted someone who did this 'to him'...reaching in their window of their car and grabbing their cell phone and throwing it across the road in heavy traffic...
He never told me about doing this a couple of months ago. He came home as if nothing happened that day out of the ordinary. I would not know about this or anything else if he hadn't been being called by the police to be questioned about this incident and being told he is in 'very serious trouble'...I only found out about the domestic violence arrest (he beat his ex-wife) and other domestic violence calls to the police (he beat/abused his most recent ex GF who lived with him...I only found out about his record a few days ago...I am so very sad about this...I feel afraid of him...and all sorts of emotions...and grateful to learn this before I moved in completely with him too...
I have been researching all I can about NPD...he is a classic case of a somatic Narcissist...every single thing fits...right down to his lying, cheating repeatedly, always seeking attention from other women and wanting apprecitation and admiration from people whereever we went... and the potential for sudden extreeme violence if he feels his view of himself has been slighted. He won't take my leaving him lightly...I know he has already been attempting to hook up with other women in the past few days...anything to hurt me...and to get someone else to admire and adore him for his temporary 'fix' of attention he needs to maintain his false sense of self...Also, he has to 'prove me wrong'...that he really is the most 'wonderful guy in the world'....Someone has to be 'the bad guy' in this situation...and in his false reality...he believes it is me...(I never disparaged him nor said he wasn't a 'good guy' or ever 'put him down or critisized him,BTW, but he won't remember this)...It won't take long...he is charming and handsome...and soon a woman will be looking at him just like I did...and feeling like Heaven had blessed her with this wonderful perfect man...just as I did...
...I hope whoever she is...that her guardian angels surround her and keep her emotionally and physically safe from him... | |
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| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/8/2007 11:09:54 AM |  Angel...am glad to hear you have been researching NPD. There is a Forum on MSN for those who have been involved with this psychosis ...very eye opening Forum...can't remember the link...just google it.
And the Author Sam Vaknin has some good books about "Malignant Love...Narcissists"...By the way, he is an admitted NPD...so his writings are interesting considering he admits his disorder. Unusual.
ALL humans are narcissistic to a point...it's about survival. Babies and small children HAVE to be narcissists to live. BUT at some developmental point we, most of us, develop empathy. Those who have NPD have NO true, from the heart, empathy.
They have to feign it to "fit in" socially. As long as they develop very few intimate friendships, they get away with it.
But eventually the facade crumbles and they are found out..by their partner. And the partner becomes a threat...so they start in on the one person who has "their number" and they begin a war...diminishing their partner's self-esteem via the blame game, put-downs, threats, abuse.....and the harder the other person tries to please them, the nastier they get.
What I found interesting is that they really are easy to handle..if you know what you are dealing with at the beginning. But if intimately involved with one, you are doomed.
Unless you share the same disorder. The author I mentioned earlier talks about NPD 's living with another NPD...sometimes they do really well together. They are never "found out" because all their nourishment comes from outside sources (workplace, etc.) and their partner poses no threat.
You "sound" better today...hang in there...keep reading and learning...and know that you'll be a sharp knife in the drawer if someone comes into your life with even a half a red flag waving...hehheh! You'll be saying "see ya!" off the bat! 
That's the good in battle scars... life's lessons. | |
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| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/8/2007 2:31:45 PM | My ex was JUST like that. A BAD Alchaholic,he hit his Mother,{There's a awesome website you c an go on called Casenet,Google it,you can see what people have been to court for,if your ever concerned}. He was VERY abusive to me. HE had a past. Im glad I left.
-Candace | |
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| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/8/2007 7:11:37 PM | | angelbunny... thankfully you are only nursing a broken heart... cut all ties immediately... he will keep trying to come back because ' you owe ' him according to his paranoid beliefs...he seems to be in denial about his life and you may end up on the wrong end of this... people with violent issues dont change over night and if he did this to the mother of his children.... what would stop him from continuing the trend with you... be clear and firm ... no mixed signals..think restraining order if he continues after you say things are over.. he needs to get his own life in hand instead of trying to date...he maybe spending some time behind bars for his actions...if he gets help.....there may be hope for him....but even then ...tread carefully... and consider if you really want someone with that history in your life. I offer this advice having been in the same situation with my now ex- hubby... I made excuses for lots of his disrespectful and violent behavior. And time will help....realize there are better men in this world. good luck | |
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sum67
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Joined: 12/28/2006
Msg: 61 | |
| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/8/2007 7:13:06 PM | Hey Angel, good to hear your listening to yourself and won't get back together with this guy!
Nice going, I think you have your shit together...:-) I'm sure he will leave you alone once he focuses on someone else (I feel for this next victim, I really do). Make sure you keep ignoring him, don't engage him in any sort of communication, even email as harmless as it might sound, he will be angry, but will turn on the charm in a second if you give him the time of day. | |
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| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/8/2007 7:36:54 PM | Thats really sad hun x
I know its a cliche but time really does heal.
My big relationship, my only love was alot older than me.
I moved my life from Coventry to live with him in london against the wishes of my family.
At first like you i was duped into believin he was a decent guy.
Couple months down the line i found the life we had was a lie.
He used to have alot of money and i believed it to be what he was earnin but it wasnt he was lendin it off mates and stuff, he lost his job and we claimed joint benefits and he'd spend it all in the pub.
Turned out he was an alcohlic and beat men up out ,then he started hittin me and i put it down to drink and i was to stubborn to admit to my family my dream relationship was a sham.
Then he'd hit me even when he hadnt had a drink, and he would insult me and chip away at my confidence. Just before i left i found out that he'd beaten his ex gf till she almost died.
I left many times but went back at promises to go to AA and councilin and stuff.
I tried to see the good in him.
The day i left i was splattered in my own blood and he had tried to set fire to my hair.
This was 3 years ago. I still get odd letters off him and i had to change my mobile number from him cos he was hounding me so bad.
I was even stalked and police had to be involved and it turned out they felt i was bein proffesionally watched.
Then i met someone else more recent.
Off here like you.
Seemed nice and we dated everythin was ok , i moved in quick without knowin that much bout him to be honest.
I should have learnt my lesson, but er no not me!
He'd been married and to cut long story short he'd tried to kill her with a samurai sword and wrote off her bfs car when he was drunk.
Turned out my guy was bi polar and wouldnt take medication.
He never hit me the emotional abuse was too much.
He was textin her and askin to get back with her and tellin her he loved her and textin other women. At time we were tryn for a baby.
I couldnt take my life bein so miserable and i left and again even now i get spiteful texts and today changed my mobile number and we split in January!
My point is we live and learn ya know.
What feels so painful to you now one day you'll be replyin to someone just like i am with indifference to them.
Dont go back there. You deserve more and you deserve to be safe in body and safe in mind xxxxx | |
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| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/8/2007 7:46:21 PM | This wee story sums up abusive males!!!
Many years ago in deepest Africa lived a mighty hunter with his young son. One day out in the jungle he shot a leopard and found her young cub nearby. He took it home where his young son made it a pet. (Cubs are like kittens).
The hunter wanted to destroy the cub but his son implored him not to. Many times he told his son: “little leopards grow into big leopards – and big leopards kill!!” … but the boy was determined to keep his pet.
One day whilst the hunter was away the boy was playing with his pet. He tripped and grazed his knee. The baby leopard licked the wound getting his first taste of blood and promptly devoured the boy.
Abusive males are the same. Regardless of anything they might say they never change on the inside. Over the years I’ve seen too many women come unstuck by taking the abusive partner back and living to regret it. Those are painful stories from the “reality” files!!! Two I know didn’t live long after having those regrets.
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Reason Season or a Lifetime
People come into your life for
a Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime.
When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are here for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to end the relationship. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, and our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.
When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person; and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship has a special sense. | |
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| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/8/2007 8:44:11 PM | Angelbunny - I don't know what state you live in, but I had a similar situation (I dated him for 3 months before I saw the red flags). I live in WA State & called a Women's Abuse representative in my county. He never was physically violent towards me, but he became increasingly harassing when I broke up with him. I brought copies of emails & transcribed voicemails. The rep had papers all ready for me to fill out for a "Protection Order" (instead of a restraining order). It is free to file.
My ex never showed up for the court date & I was granted a year of him to not to contact me. He had called me once after that, but I reported it & he was visited by the police & I haven't heard from him since (thank goodness!).
Whatever obvious mental/personality disorder this guy has (be it NPD, bipolar, etc) not much you can do for someone who won't get help. Best to keep away & make sure he does, too! (Unrelated to my top experience - but I lived a year with a bipolar man-knew him for 5 yrs. He was Mr. Wonderful on meds, but off them he was a completely different guy with a dark side, too! Charismatic, liar, severe mood swings, etc, etc. I told him to get back on his meds or leave...he left. Biggest love of my life - but I love myself & my sanity more.)
This was a practice run. Now you know what you DO want in a relationship & how you want to be treated 100% of the time...and how to recognize the red flags sooner. I'll be praying that your angels will guide you to your TRUE Mr. Wonderful :) ~Alora | |
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| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/9/2007 10:52:28 AM | Thank you to everyone again. I am just checking in and letting you know I am still okay. NOT even tempted to go back with him. I even realize it doesn't hurt or make me feel jealous to imagine him with someone else. It almost feels like it would be a relief.
Unfortunately, he has continued to repeatedly call me. He has left messages...when he doesn't just call and hang up...that go the gamete from sounding irritated at me...to trying the 'I love you and miss you so much'' and even played an entire song without saying anything, and hung up. He said he 'hopes I don't come to regret this 'unforunate' decision' and then calls leaving messages saying 'why do you ignore me!?'...I do NOT call him back nor answer the phone right now. I only call back my friends and family who know to leave me messages....Unfortunately, last night while I was in a very deep sleep, the phone rang at midnight and I groggily picked it up thinking it might be a family emergency, becasue who else would call at such an hour?...and you guessed it, it was HIM. I was glad that I was well prepeared in case this happened. I told him we were 'over' in no uncertain terms and hung up, he called back again and again until about 2am. He also came over and banged on my window for about 20 minutes this morning. I felt a sense of being afraid of him...it is like he acts like he is okay and with very calm cool control, but is actually seething and angry inside, and I can sense it...so I hid in my bathroom of my apartment...until I was certain he left..
Believe it or not, he just called me from somewhere in the building where he used to work until he was fired about a month ago. The weird thing is, he no longer has a pass, and they can't find him in the building. The number he called from was definately an inside company number...unless he called someone he knew there and asked them to call and see if I would answer. They sent some people searching for him in the building, but no one has actually seen him and they can't find him. What is going on? | |
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| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/9/2007 11:06:53 AM | I am so sad to read this, but am NOT shocked. I work as a therapist, and this story, is not unlike many of the others I've heard out of my clients over the years.
First of all... don't beat yourself up too hard over this. People will comment to this and shame you for staying, and scold you you for this and that... IGNORE IT. They're not experts and have no business telling anyone what they did right or wrong.
Next... you need to make sure he never comes back into your life. It's over, right? The end? Close that chapter, and do NOT re-open it.
Last... do what you need to do for YOU. You have some healing work ahead of you. Maybe you'd consider seeing a therapist for a little while. Just someone to talk to. Maybe get a journal (livejournal is nice), and write for awhile. Take care of you... and don't keep your feelings bottled up.
*HUG* | |
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| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/9/2007 12:07:14 PM |  Living in The City is Very Stressful,Clearly this guy was in WAY OVER HIS HEAD...
Violent tendancies, NEVER HELP...
One could say that the guy had Anger Managment issues,but if we look a little deeper,one might see it as a juggler who had mastered 7 or 8 items an then ellected to bump it to 20...
He was able to do it for a while,but he was bound to Self Destruct, because in reality he could only juggle 8 items max, But he wanted what he could have if he juggled 20...
One could call it Greed, When I was young I use to steal and never get cought and when I got older my life was not so good...
What I realised was that you only ever steal from your own future, Greed drives people to steal...
I can juggle 10 things if I must
but then again I have all the tooling for the job, I never married or had kids because I knew that I could never afford it,I drive old Trucks and my home is Long Since Paid For...
To get involved with another person can be very expensive or it can be less than free, Patience is the key...
I am NonViolent and very patient
if things don't go as I might like, I just wait and in time they do...
The Pace is too rushed living in the City, people don't learn
instead they tend to crash and burn...
Such is life,I guess it's a trade off, you can have ROCK & ROLL!!! SEX & DEATH!!! or you can live a long uneventful life...
I guess you know wich Road I took, but then again I learned about GREED at a very young age...
Good Luck to you... | |
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| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/9/2007 12:38:42 PM | | i totally understand were you are coming from,i asked myself that same think you do how do i stop missing him and loving him,i asked that for nearly a year after i left my abusive ex partner.we have been separated a year and in that year he has pushed his way into my home and beaten me in front of my 2 children,that was the end for me i looked into their eyes and had the courage to contact the police,for the first time in 5 years,and i pressed charges for battery.and for once i had the power over him,i werent letting him get away with it anymore,i have had it all since the phone calls off him the threats,and i look at my children and know i did the rite thing,i wasnt just putting myself through it i was putting them through it and that wasnt rite.it has taken me a long time to gain back my life but im doing it slowly,it takes time,i have been having counciling and that has been a big help,as i wasnt just physiclly abused i was mentally abused,and that takes longer to heal,as bruises fade and broken bones mend,but the mental abuse stays with u in your head,but with help that is fadeing along with the bruises,and my life is like a jig saw at the moment i have to piece it back together,but i am getting there,and with the help of my family and good friends,i am starting to smile again and it feels great. | |
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| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/9/2007 12:50:07 PM | | i c so much of my ex partner in your,i had the abuse,and i had the cheating.the nite i gave birth to my son,who is my ex first child,he left me and my son in hospital went out with his mates met a random woman in a clud and slepy with her,for most people that would have been enough,and they would have up and left,but no not me i stayed,he had so much control over me,i had no self respect has he had taken all that away from me,but it does get better,and u get it all back in time,i am so glad that u havent taken him back,and that u are not replying to any phone calls,as u only have to reply to one and he thinks that u are slowly coming back to him,keep your chin up and stay strong,my thoughts are with you,and my heart goes out to u it honestly does,but there is light at the end of the rainbow,and you will find it i promise you that. | |
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| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/9/2007 1:06:26 PM |  BOTTOM LINE,if the Guy is Beating You up, GTF Out of there, Abusive relationships normally end in your Death or his, So just Get The Flock out of there!!!
There are plenty of other men that will LOVE you without beating you... | |
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sum67
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Joined: 12/28/2006
Msg: 73 | |
| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/9/2007 7:24:21 PM | | Hmmm...sounds like you figured out the call blocking feature, and he was just trying to call you from another phone. Either that or creep you out a little by using another number you recognize, his way of saying you can't block my calls I can just call you from some other number. Pure speculation on my part. Ultimately you might have to change your number if this keeps up more than a few weeks. Phone company will do it for free if you give them the reason you are being harassed, since they have a record of all those calls he make, they can easily confirm that. | |
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| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/9/2007 8:47:56 PM | Thanks everyone. I'm letting you know I am doing well today. All your advice and support has helped me stay strong, and I want to thank everyone again, who contributed to this forum. I want you all to know how much I appreciate that you took the time to write and help. You guys are terrific. Having this forum and POF cyber friends 24/7 to help get through this has been a virtual gift.
Merci Beaucoup! I will keep writing so you know I'm doing okay from time to time...it hasn't been easy, but I will NEVER go back with him. I have learned alot about NPD/Sociopathy and abusive behavior...and how to handle a person like this...and to ALWAYS stay away from them once you know the truth about them, as they will leave you damaged and devastated...eventually...no matter what. Not something I want to allow to happen to me..It still hurts realizing that things weren't the way I thought they were, giving up the 'dream'...but I am quickly coming to terms with it...considering the potential alternative...
Thanks to a guardian angel too...because if there hadn't been that police call on Thursday to question him, I would probably not have found out about his recent violent/assaultive behavior, or his past record of domestic violence...until it was too late...
Good night everybody... | |
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| Finding Out Your Wonderful BF has a Record and a Dark Side
Posted: 10/9/2007 10:32:17 PM | Be very afraid. I was with a Narcissist for 2 years. He didn't physically abuse me but he would have eventually started. He abused objects instead when he went it rages. I had to take a boulder out of his car when he put it there incase he got in another road rage incident after he was in one and could only find coins in his dash to throw at the other driver. With me, he just would screw with my head and break things instead of hit me but it was starting to escalate when I left.
I knew him for years before we dated and had no idea he was like this. He was VERY good at keeping up a facade. He never had any serious gfs all those years. I thought it was because he went back to University and was focused. I came to realize that he was teasing women all those years. He was letting them think they had a chance but then backing off when things started to get intimate.
When my 6 year relationship with my previous bf went down the tubes he was right in there ready to be my councillor and confidant. One thing led to another very quickly and he went from friend to boyfriend. He wanted to wait 3 months for sex though ....is that like a Narcissist trait? Sex is a weapon for a narcissist. They will withhold to torture you or somehow make you pay for it later.
He was my dream man. Educated, incredibly intelligent, talented in arts and music, a scientist, aware, loved to cuddle and touch, loyal, very protective, very loving, and so tall and handsome that women would throw themselves at him. Women who did this discusted him. He seemed to have a very strong moral character. He'd drop by my apt and leave little funny notes, poems, or drawings on my door just to surprise me when I got home from work.
He was almost 40 and had a whole bunch of stuff gong for him yet had never lived with a woman before. I thought it was wierd but he boosted my ego by saying he'd never met the one before. In his mind I was the one, but the reality is more like you are a vessel for all their hate when they need an outlet. Prior to me being his vessel he would blame other things rather than deal with he was responsible.
I had never had anyone who said they loved me deliberatly trying to psychologically abuse me before. I didn't even know it was going on he was so smooth. They rebuild themselves when they hit their lows and actually appear like wonderful people again but inevitably the behavior starts again and slowly things start to unravel for them. When they start to unravel and if you are someone they "love" get ready for massive amounts of abuse to begin. The web of lies they weave and the facade they create starts to crumble. This makes them angry but not at themselves. Even when he took responsibility he didn't really. Ask him about the same situation a month later and you could see how remade the situation in his head so he didn't have to take any blame.
They don't just stop calling. He kept it up for 3 mos before one day I finally answered because I was sad over something and I missed our conversations so bad. For a couple weeks we'd be friends again just like before we dated but then he'd start trying to use or manipulate me and I'd end the friendship. This cycle went on for a year and his constant presence and trying to contact me made it extremely difficult to move on.
It stopped the day I told him I knew what he was and I knew he'd never change. That I knew he had an incurable illness and talked to him like he was some lab rat. I treated him with discust. This was the hardest thing I ever had to do because I really did love him. When they lose their power to manipulate or use you....they leave.
Then you have to deal with the anger with yourself and them. You are left to ponder questions, how could someone who was everything I ever wanted turn out to be such a monster? What is wrong with me? How did I let myself fall in love with something that wasn't real? What was real and what wasn't? I didn't imagine the conversations we had for hours on end or how close he held me in his sleep. How can someone who loves you do the things that he did?
In the end this is how I dealt with it in my head.
He did have all those wonderful traits. That was real. Our conversatons and the affection....it was all real. Being able to sustain it all though...that's not real because he's sick. He has an incurable mental illness. It doesn't matter how much he wants to change or how much effort he puts in to doing so. He can't be cured. Because I became someone he loved, whenever I'm around him, I become part of his illness...that will never change. Just having me around him will greatly impact his ability to take responsibility for his actions. It doesn't matter what I do. The mental illness has complete control of the situation....not him or I. My presence doesn't just harm me but him too.
He was in out of councelling for anger management his entire life and dealing with growing up in an abusive household. I think that's the only thing that really kept him from being physically violent towards women. But I was the first woman he ever let in that deep. I'm pretty sure it was heading that way.
Everything about the situation completely sucks. But I can't do anything about it besides move on and try to find someone who isn't mentally ill that I can have a healthy relationship with. | |
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