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| Single vs. Divorced...what should my relationship status be?
Posted: 11/3/2007 2:10:58 PM | Hello simplyred....I think this topic is open to various interpretations, but all I can say is that honesty is the best policy.....
Iam divorced.....yes I have exes and children....divorced is on my prolile.
But don't fret about it, because when you get along with your date issues my arise...telling them that you are divorced brings out that openess....
Believe as a man....I would prefer your openess and honesty....as i don't hesitate to tell women who chat with me.
Best of luck | |
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| Single vs. Divorced...what should my relationship status be?
Posted: 11/3/2007 2:23:51 PM | | If you've been married and went through a divorce, you're divorced. Sorry, but that's the reality of it. A truly "single" person is one who has never signed the paperwork, never taken the vows, or signed the final decree of divorce. Living together is still a single person in the eyes of the law; well in some states. If you have a divorce in your past, ya should be honest and state it. | |
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| Single vs. Divorced...what should my relationship status be?
Posted: 11/3/2007 4:37:38 PM | Diem, If you are dating a woman who finds you to be everything she wants in a man, great. But when she finds that you hid that little detail, it should be enough to send her for the hills. Not because divorce is so terrible. But admit it, hiding the truth is... well lying. I did not and am not calling you a liar in any indirect way. The word I am thinking would be taken wrong, but it is not the point. My point is divorced means available to marry again legally. Before you were ever married, you were not divorced, right? So why after a divorce are you single? LOL. I also dated a guy who always called his Escort a "sportscar", seriously. That is an opinion, I guess, but this is so cut and dry. Look how many people say, "It's been so long, I don't have kids, I moved out, he lives in another state, etc" and they think these are reasons to justify twisting the truth. Everyone has "baggage" after a first heartbreak. At age 16, are we ruined for life? LOL. Honestly, I would rather date a divorced 40 yo than a single 40 yo any day. | |
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| Single vs. Divorced...what should my relationship status be?
Posted: 11/3/2007 8:02:09 PM |
do you feel single? or do you feel divorced? I feel both, I am both regardless of how anyone else defines single.
As far as the difference between being divorced and never been married, I am fully aware of the differences and a have better understanding of marriage than you assume I don't. I never wanted to be divorced, I don't want to be single. When I marry, I marry till death do us part, my cross to bear in that regards is I am lacking in picking a woman that has the same understanding that I have. I am by no means perfect, but marriage and ALL that entails is not something I take lightly and I take extreme exception to being told I don't understand or care.
But admit it, hiding the truth is... well lying. Yes, hiding the truth is in fact lying. So am I a liar if I don't tell her I am single? Divorced alone does not indicate I am available for a relationship. Hiding something is lying by omission, but you fail to take into account that I will sooner more than later tell her I am divorced. My point is and will always be that until I am in another relationship I AM single as well as divorced, I am both. I will also reiterate that if I so choose to say that I am single when I first meet a woman and then tell her of my own volition that I am divorced as well, I have hidden nothing, I have not betrayed her nor have I been deceptive in my ways. The deception that people feel that would be inflicted upon them is because they choose to infer single means more than it does. Granted, there are men that WILL hide that little tid bit of information, I am not one of them. Do not paint me with the same brush and do not base your opinion of me by the actions of others. If I am to be 'judged', do it based on my actions alone. | |
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| Single vs. Divorced...what should my relationship status be?
Posted: 11/4/2007 1:44:23 AM | Ok, now you are just talking in circles. "Hiding something is lying by omission, but if you take into account that I will sooner more than later tell her I am divorced"....If you are "both" tell her you are "both" instead of picking the one that is not accurate. Just call it "dingle". LOL.
"If I CHOOSE to say that I am single when I first meet a woman and then tell her of my own volition that I am divorced as well, I have hidden nothing"... Only until you have told her that you are divorced "as well".
"The deception that people feel would be inflicted upon them is because they CHOOSE to infer single means more than it does"...No, you are choosing to make it mean more than it does. Single=unmarried=never married. Divorced=once married, legally, not at present time.
"Do not paint me with the same brush...." ????????? Like I said before, don't get so freakin' offended. No one has "judged" you as far as I can see anywhere in this thread. It is your choice to mislead your dates. I am just giving you a different angle to see it from. So chill. | |
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| Single vs. Divorced...what should my relationship status be?
Posted: 11/4/2007 6:50:24 AM | | Okay, here's the thing, people. It's a scroll-down menu that includes the option of divorced, and only allows ONE CHOICE. It is not like asking someone "Are you single or attached?" It is like asking you "Of which one of these best describes you: single, attached, divorced?" If you have been divorced even once in your life, you are better described as divorced, than a person that has never been divorced. The people that have never been divorced and are not married now, are best described as single. Because we know that all the choices are there, then only the people who qualify as single, and not any of the other categories should choose the word SINGLE. There is where it becomes misleading. You HAD the choice of owning up to your divorce history, and if you don't choose it, you are omitting important information that could have been brought up right away. Some of us have very traditional philosophies of marriage - I want someone who is as in line with my thoughts on marriage as possible. I'm not saying I couldn't have made a mistake about marrying someone or that I won't make that mistake later, but I DO want to exclude people who don't think of marriage as necessarily a permanent thing. There are some people who think, well if it doesn't work out, you can always get divorced, and that the divorce and getting married multiple times is no big deal. Or think that, well, if I find someone better, I should get divorced and be with that person that is better for me (which to me negates the whole point of getting married in the first place). I don't care if everyone agrees with my views on marriage, and I honestly don't expect most people to agree, but I DO want the people I date to agree, otherwise we're all just wasting each other's time. Now that you divorced people who are reading this thread see that there is some confusion involved in you putting down "single" in your profile, it really doesn't matter who's right or wrong. Now that you know about the confusion, it is even more deceitful for you to put down single. Just put it down and find someone for you that doesn't care. | |
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| Single vs. Divorced...what should my relationship status be?
Posted: 11/4/2007 7:09:18 AM | Some people happen to be religious. I know that I cannot get married in my church to someone who has been divorced. Therefore, there is a big difference between single and divorced to me. Plus, when I marry someone I want it to be a unique experience for both of us. I don't care if you were married for 30 seconds 10 yrs ago, you were still married and are now DIVORCED.
If someone tells me they are single you are right, chances are I'd never ask them if they were ever married. Unless I feel they are dishonest about other things. I was out with a guy recently... he initially told me he was single. I asked him a few weeks later (after I found out he lied about his age) if he really hadn't been ever married. Well guess what, he was married before! He felt like it was a mistake (4 yrs) so doesnt tell people he was ever married. Sorry, but that's deceit, plain and simple. | |
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| Single vs. Divorced...what should my relationship status be?
Posted: 11/4/2007 10:05:07 AM |
Single=unmarried=never married This is where your logic runs astray and you infer more meaning than is there. Unmarried does not equal never married, it only equals it because you have applied (erroneously I might add) the never married qualifier to unmarried.
Like most people and their respective situations, there is usually more to any given situation than what is first seen. I have told women that I am both and the inevitable questions as to WHY and the circumstances behind them are asked. Those are things I will not go into with a person on the first few dates because they deal with more than just me and usually set up even more inferences and assumptions that are way off the mark. I want her to get to know me first and then those discussions will be had. Those circumstances are NOT for public consumption nor are they particularly good first or second date conversation fodder. While you see it as deception, it is far from that. Remember the saying, "Still water runs deep.", it applies here as well as with some of the others that feel as I do.
I do apologize if I am replying with more zest and zeal than is required, it is nothing personal towards you. You have been one of the few that do give me pause to reevaluate my POV. | |
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Anesti
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Joined: 10/31/2007
Msg: 134 | |
| Single vs. Divorced...what should my relationship status be?
Posted: 11/4/2007 10:33:37 AM | | divorced means divorced. no two ways about it. you shouldn't be ashamed of that. plus, if you withhold it and a woman finds out later, chances are she won't be too pleased with the lack of initial openeness from you. | |
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| Single vs. Divorced...what should my relationship status be?
Posted: 11/4/2007 1:44:03 PM | I sooo agree with these last few posts. If a dating site truly meant for single to mean anyone who is not presently married, they would give you only two choices.
Married = married at present time
or
Single=not married at present time
However they don't. They give you many choices so that you can choose the one that most closely relates to your true situation. It can easily be noted by the many posts that the VAST majority of people believe that when they see "Single" on a dating site, they believe that person is stating they have never been married before.
Some dating sites do not even give you the choice of Single--almost certainly because it could be misleading. For instance one very well known site has only 4 choices when doing searches: Never Married, Divorced, Currently Separated and Widowed. Nothing to be misleading or implied--one either has to tell the truth or outright lie. | |
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| Single vs. Divorced...what should my relationship status be?
Posted: 11/4/2007 8:44:10 PM | The POF choices:
Prefer not to say
Single
Married
Living together
Divorced
Widowed
Separated
Not single/not looking
If I am divorced and not living with someone but seriously dating, then by the silly logic of people on here I would be lying to use any of the categories.
I should not use 'divorced' as I'd be implying I'm available to date.
I can't put 'not single/not looking' since by the silly people logic I would be lying as I am divorced and must not imply that I was ever single after my divorce.
There is no choice that states divorced/not looking, (probably because the wizard who put up the categories has more sense then many posters).
I am a divorced person who is currently in a relationship, I choose Not single/not looking and boohoo to all you silly people who think I'm lying by "IMPLYING" I was never married. 
DD | |
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| Single vs. Divorced...what should my relationship status be?
Posted: 11/4/2007 9:26:03 PM | | I'd put "Divorced". It's all about honesty. As far as I'm concerned anybody who's narrow minded enough to think it's a red flag is really limiting themselves from meeting potentially "the ONE". At my age, everyone's lived a little and had some life experiences. I think categorizing them into acceptable and non-acceptable is an individuals perogative. If you're honest and it's not good enough for them....they're not likely a match. | |
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| Single vs. Divorced...what should my relationship status be?
Posted: 11/4/2007 11:34:55 PM | DIEM, Jeez Loise! If you have been married before then you can never say you are unmarried. That is my logic exactly! Tripping over your own circles, like I called you on in my previous post, is not what I do. Say your girlfriend is not having sex at the moment, that doesn't make her a virgin. LOL. She has had sex before, she can never be a virgin again, unless her name is Mary. LOL. Of course she can always call herself whatever she wants, maybe you wouldn't think it is deceitful. But if she leads you to believe that she is a virgin and then when you say, "I thought you said..." and she says, "Oh, no, a BORN AGAIN VIRGIN, silly!" You would not feel deceived? You would walk out the door. In layman's terms, for no other reason than lying by omission. Having nothing to do with baggage. Having to do with LYING. I really liked what Dumplinggirl and Live love laugh comments say. How do you know the right "moment" to tell the date, Diem? I hope she doesn't find out when applying for a license! That actually happened to a friend of a friend. But he "held back" his age too. Who knows how many people here do that! GAWD!
Getting to know "you" first, huh. At least the YOU, you want her to know first. Isn't it easier to be who you are from the very beginning instead of having to sweep up behind yourself? Just a thought.... | |
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| Single vs. Divorced...what should my relationship status be?
Posted: 11/5/2007 5:56:55 AM | 1motopsycho:
un- prefix
used to add the meaning 'not', 'lacking' or 'the opposite of' before adjectives, adverbs, verbs and nouns:unrealistic, unhappily, unscrew, unfairness
unmarried means 1- not married, 2-lacking marriage, or 3-the opposite of married.
un does not mean 'never been'
If I said today you look unhappy, I do not mean you have never been happy.
If I ask for you to unscrew the lid on a jar, I don't mean it's never been screwed.
Your thinking that someone is trying to 'undo' the past by claiming unmarried, but that is not the case.
She remains unmarried.
She is currently unmarried.
The first implies she has never married, the second implies she was married before. Her marital status in either case was implied not stated.
DD | |
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| Single vs. Divorced...what should my relationship status be?
Posted: 11/5/2007 11:47:22 AM | | Whichever way you want to put it, single is never gonna be the same as divorced. Call yourself what you want. There is single, married, divorced, some cases, legally seperated and widowed. Not a "both" category. I am not saying someone is trying to undo the past. I am saying that hiding important things like age, marital status, employment, etc. sends out red flags and to some people would be seen as deceptive. I would never date any further, any person who deceived me from the start about something so important and for no apparant reason. I have really started questioning "single" guys on the site now. Thought this post was a "duh", but now I see what I am dealing with. I must thank whoever started this post. Now I KNOW what to ask those "single" guys!... | |
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| Single vs. Divorced...what should my relationship status be?
Posted: 11/5/2007 12:03:49 PM | Hey I'm Divorced, But My X lives with me... In different rooms,but still..
If you are divorced thats it.... It doesn't matter weather you live next door to him.. My relationship with My X is dedicated Parent..We love our daughter. Some people are adult about it and some are not..
I am up front about it always.. If I am turned down; so be it.. Its only fair and I understand if the other person is not comfortable with my situation.. It is an akward situation..
Ussually the ones that do understand are parents themselves.. | |
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| Single vs. Divorced...what should my relationship status be?
Posted: 11/5/2007 12:27:25 PM |
That is my logic exactly! Of course it is your logic, I quoted you.
Having to do with LYING. As I have been trying to say all along, words have definitions for a reason. The definition of single does not exclude people that are divorced, it includes them. Otherwise they would have put in qualifiers specifying so. The definition does explicitly include unmarried which is defined and not married AND divorced. Any other meaning given to a word is done via inference and assumption. We can not pick and choose what meaning any given word means, as you stated with virgin, so HOW can you pick and choose with single and unmarried?
How do you know the right "moment" to tell the date, Diem? I hope she doesn't find out when applying for a license! With that statement you imply that I will be waiting till that moment to tell her, which is incorrect. If our relationship has progressed to that point, that conversation has been had a long time ago. As far as when is the right moment, it is well before applying for a license and after the first few dates. Yes, kinda vague in my description, but as I said in my other posts, talk of divorce leads to why, talk of why leads to things I will not share with just anyone. Assume and imply what you will as to why I will not share that info, I have my reasons and it will stay that way. Suffice it to say, you are a parent, you would understand (or I hope you would) if you knew. | |
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| Single vs. Divorced...what should my relationship status be?
Posted: 11/5/2007 9:33:42 PM | If I am divorced and not living with someone but seriously dating, then by the silly logic of people on here I would be lying to use any of the categories.
I should not use 'divorced' as I'd be implying I'm available to date.
I can't put 'not single/not looking' since by the silly people logic I would be lying as I am divorced and must not imply that I was ever single after my divorce.
There is no choice that states divorced/not looking, (probably because the wizard who put up the categories has more sense then many posters).
I am a divorced person who is currently in a relationship, I choose Not single/not looking and boohoo to all you silly people who think I'm lying by "IMPLYING" I was never married.
Not single/not looking is the best choice for you. It best describes you, and results in the fewest number of people being fooled into pursuing you. Yes, you are divorced too, but the more important one is that you're not looking, which kind of covers you anyway, because it doesn't matter if people would rule you out because you've been divorced, because you're not available anyway. That's fine. This does not conflict what we are saying about those who are putting single down instead of divorced when they have been divorced. | |
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| Single vs. Divorced...what should my relationship status be?
Posted: 11/5/2007 9:47:58 PM | I was married and got divorced. Me and my ex are not even friends, her choice. I guess when the failure is your fault and everyone knows it, why put fuel on the fire for herself. Thing is, we were married. It was a short marriage. It was a marriage that was based on lies and really had nothing truthful in it to begin with.
All that said, we was married therefore I am divorced and that's what is in my profile.
This does explain why I see some profiles that have single and they are older than me though. I was always curious about that.
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| Single vs. Divorced...what should my relationship status be?
Posted: 11/5/2007 11:52:26 PM | The words we were comparing is single and divorced. Isn't that what this post is called? Single and divorced are two different words all together. Whatever you want to call them. Divorced, in the dictionary does not say "single". There is a "reason" for that.
With the statement asking when you would tell her, I am only asking because I assumed most people would already have "divorced" on their profile. Since you don't, I am curious at what stage do you tell her that you are actually divorced? Be it first date or 15th? Some people HAVE waited until the license. It has happened before to some one's daughter. LOL. "Talk of divorce leads to why". Now I get it, You are a Man. You are a man who has trouble communicating... Duh! (stupid me). Men are wired that way, not like the girls at the salon. lol. Or is it fear? I am sorry that you feel you have to hide things because of fear. Honestly, I am. Just tell her you are divorced and that's all for now. I don't personally care why. I am not even curious why. It's usually the same stuff anyway...movin on. I don't think people care much about the why as much as they care about your honesty and treatment to THEM. And hopefully a lesson was learned. Geez, people don't ever come out and ask me why. My life has always been an open book. No suprises here. As far as my DAUGHTER, I am raising her to be an open and honest person. I would hope she would only get serious about a person she can communicate about anything with. She'll be wired for it already. | |
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| Single vs. Divorced...what should my relationship status be?
Posted: 11/6/2007 12:52:00 PM | Even while I was married to my 2nd wife, I was still divorced from my first.
Ask most people that are in a LTR with someone if they are single and they will say no.
The option on the site should read "never married"
All confusion eliminated. | |
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| Single vs. Divorced...what should my relationship status be?
Posted: 11/6/2007 1:39:44 PM | You can look at it this way. You can put what your status is as the way the site intended it to be, as an actual "status".
Or you can choose what you "feel" you are and disregard the intent. Like other things, some put they don't do drugs but smoke pot. In their mind it's not a drug.
It's up to each member, it doesn't affect any of the rest of us. It may affect anyone who's interested and then may at some point find out differently. Maybe they'll accept it and it won't matter. If it does, then it's affected someone else. | |
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| Single vs. Divorced...what should my relationship status be?
Posted: 11/6/2007 2:19:55 PM |
Whatever you want to call them. Divorced, in the dictionary does not say "single". There is a "reason" for that.
How about the thesaurus?
Roget's New Millennium™ Thesaurus - Cite This Source - Share This
Main Entry: single
Part of Speech: adjective 2
Definition: not married
Synonyms: bachelor, celibate, companionless, divorced, eligible, fancy-free, footloose, free, living alone, loner, maiden, separated, sole, solo, spouseless, swinger, swingle, unattached, unfettered, unmarried, unwed, virgin
Antonyms: married | |
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| Single vs. Divorced...what should my relationship status be?
Posted: 11/6/2007 8:16:36 PM | Now I get it, You are a Man. You are a man who has trouble communicating... Duh! (stupid me). Men are wired that way, not like the girls at the salon. lol. Or is it fear? Not to put too fine of a point on this one, but you think you get it, you think you understand why I do not want to broach that subject early in a dating scenario, however , you are wrong on all three counts. You did get one right, I am a man.
Yes, single and divorced are two different words, yet they do share a common meaning to a degree and one can define a smaller subset of the other in terms of people. Now I'm feeling like I am beating my head against a wall. If verbatim excerpts out of Websters dictionary, a thesaurus, and The Oxford English Dictionary (which are but three sources used to define, reference, and to cite proper usage of words) can not reinforce the validity of my particular stance and to dispel the inferred deceit and dishonesty, there is nothing else I nor anyone else can say that would ever be able to accomplish that task.
Edit:
I assumed most people would already have "divorced" on their profile. Since you don't As for assumptions, look at my profile where it states status. Don't search, you will find two usernames, click the view profile link. Why it is like it is has been discussed by me in one of my first posts. | |
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