Pucks
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Joined: 10/14/2006
Msg: 26 | |
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| Is it right for me to get mad if my daughters mom lets her new b/f of 3 months whatch our daughter
Posted: 10/12/2007 4:49:55 PM | I would be spitting mad if I were in your position too.
As was said with all the pedophiles going around these days there's just no trusting people you just met. Even daycares are a risk that sometimes you must take. Recently a 10 month old baby girl was sexually assaulted at a church run day care. It's disgusting, how little you can trust others with your children, and yet we live in a society where we are forced to, in order to properly provide for them and feed them.
Morgan | |
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| Is it right for me to get mad if my daughters mom lets her new b/f of 3 months whatch our daughter
Posted: 10/12/2007 5:48:23 PM | I think you need try to avoid possible paranoia. I have met about 1 year ago a girl and we bacame friends very quickly. About 2-3 weeks later I was on a baby-sitting assignment with her 2 y.o. daughter. I do not have kids and it was the first time I have learned to change the diaper. It was the first one after taht there was a bunch of other baby-sittings with her girl as well as picking her up from day care and driving her home when a mom and dad couldn't do it due to emergencies and other important commitments.
May be that guy is a good reliable baby-sitter? | |
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| Is it right for me to get mad if my daughters mom lets her new b/f of 3 months whatch our daughter
Posted: 10/14/2007 3:40:23 PM | i apologize to you as well , i went back and reread everything, i must have been reading to fast, and as far as message 14 goes, i dont understand where she is coming from, she is acting like 3 months is like 5 years, how am i demanding that i want my daughter with me if possible and not that guy. and take me back to court, what would be the grounds for that
I was poster 14 lol i forgot to come back look at the post!
Im not sayin at all your wrong for wantin to spend time with your daughter.
I was merely sayin to stand back a bit, watch and listen. I dont see the issue, surely the answer as other people have said is to do a background check.
It sounds to me u got a bee in ya bonnet and what ever happens the guy aint gonna do right anyway.
You cant hang someone before they do anythin wrong and i respect him for wantin to help your ex out.
If he blanked ya daughter, didnt intergrate into the family then hed be a shit in ya eyes.
You say bout her not bein with him 5 years and only 3 months like it makes a difference?
Why does it? A wicked man doesnt have to show his 'true colours' early on he could bide his time?
When i said bout takin you to court i meant if u cause a load of trouble.
Personally u tried to destroy my life id make ya life hell.
Your gf is a parent too but still deserves a life!
You cant control her choices just cos u have a child together.
So theres me clarified lol | |
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| Is it right for me to get mad if my daughters mom lets her new b/f of 3 months whatch our daughter
Posted: 10/14/2007 3:58:00 PM | | I dont think she is thinking right.I my self would rather to have my daugthers father look after her instead of a new boyfriend.Three months is not long enough to be leaveing a child with a new man. I beleave that the father and Mother should make the arrangements not just one parent.You both brought your daugther into this world and even throught your not together you should still chose together on how your daugther should be taken care of... | |
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| Is it right for me to get mad if my daughters mom lets her new b/f of 3 months whatch our daughter
Posted: 10/14/2007 5:59:02 PM | interesting question,, do i have the right to be mad.. of course you have the right to be mad.
i think the real question is,
is it rational for you to get upset about this man being charged with caring for your daughter while your at work? do you have a rational reason to be upset? i mean have you any reason not to trust this man, or your ex's judgement on this matter?
since all you have at this point is the reason you "think" she gave you a resounding "no" to your query,, why not try asking her why she is against the idea.
one of the other replies to your post made some fairly unfounded and rash presumptions about pedophiles.
does your ex have a reason to be fearful of your taking her back to court over the custodial and maintenance issues? if not, then attempt to calm her fears, but beyond all that,, sit down and talk with her. if you have fears about this man, or would just feel better meeting him and knowing who is caring for your child, thats understandable, and rational.
you and she got divorced, ,, neither of you have the right to divorce the other from the job as parent. i would suggest you three sit down and attempt to arrive at a solution to this matter rather than just presuming things and getting loud with eachother. | |
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| Is it right for me to get mad if my daughters mom lets her new b/f of 3 months whatch our daughter
Posted: 10/14/2007 6:29:28 PM | I agree that both parents should have veto power on anyone watching your child ALONE (irregardless of how long they've been together). In other words, if you say you don't trust him with your kid (or even that you just don't know whether he's trustworthy) - then she needs to respect that. And she needs to know that if the tables were turned, you would give the same level of understanding. This should not even be up for debate. It's a serious decision that needs agreement from both sides.
To those who recommend a background check, give me a break. What if he doesn't have a criminal record, but is STILL a pedophile? Or what if he means well, but wouldn't know what to do if she were to choke or bumped her head?
Probably nothing bad would come of it - but it's a matter of principle. Great question - and lots of interesting perspectives... Good luck! | |
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Pucks
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Joined: 10/14/2006
Msg: 40 | |
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| Is it right for me to get mad if my daughters mom lets her new b/f of 3 months whatch our daughter
Posted: 10/15/2007 4:48:34 AM | I agree that both parents should have veto power on anyone watching your child ALONE (irregardless of how long they've been together). In other words, if you say you don't trust him with your kid (or even that you just don't know whether he's trustworthy) - then she needs to respect that. And she needs to know that if the tables were turned, you would give the same level of understanding. This should not even be up for debate. It's a serious decision that needs agreement from both sides.
while i agree with you that both parents need to PARENT TOGETHER. . but no way am i gonna sign on for this ULTIMATE POWER TO VETO nonsence.
do you have any idea how an abusive ex would use that veto power? give me a break. it would be like giving them permission to be a jackass. out those shoes on your feet for a minute. how about her veto right when it comes to girlfriends of yours>> how bout she arbitrarily says something to the effect of " i dont want that woman around my child". this veto door of yours swings both ways ya know. ppl can be pretty lousy to eachother just for the purpose of flexing. its like they have to prove they have the upper hand.
you spoke about the same level of understanding,, how bout some understanding on her ability to make rational judgements on the behalf of your child? either you trust her or you dont, and if you dont, you better have some strong evidence to take into court. if you dont trust her, then as the loving parent, i would be expecting you to do more about it than just talk. | |
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| Is it right for me to get mad if my daughters mom lets her new b/f of 3 months whatch our daughter
Posted: 10/15/2007 6:32:38 AM | H*ll yeah, you have a right to be very mad! I can't believe that some women are so wreckless with their children's safety ... especially one who has another option.
A criminal record check could be done, but it may only give you a false sense of security, because there are perverts who have never been caught, arrested, or prosecuted .... not to mention the "first time offenders". One step I would definately take if it were me, ... I would have a chat with the man and let him know that if he ever harms your little girl in any way he will pay dearly. Knowing there is a father who cares and will "hurt" him if he touches the child can be a good deterrant for some.
Next step would be taking it to the court... | |
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Rhett1
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Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 43 | |
| Is it right for me to get mad if my daughters mom lets her new b/f of 3 months whatch our daughter
Posted: 10/15/2007 8:54:51 AM | I think the REAL issue is why she's threatened when she finds out that you want to spend the time with your daughter. She's obviously under the impression that SHE gets to decide who plays daddy.
Foxy made the comment about "nipping out for a bit", but this is about HOURS spent away, at work, often.
When i said bout takin you to court i meant if u cause a load of trouble. You mean "trouble" like wanting to be his daughter's father and look after her? Yeah, what a troublemaker.
I don't think that it's an issue that this man is watching your child, I think it's an issue that she's defensive when you say that you want to look after your daughter.
I hate when people make threats because someone wants to be a parent. Your ex is threatening you for wanting to be in your daughter's life...that's crap. You have every right to take action and have your daughter while your ex is at work. You're not being unreasonable at all.
The only thing I can see being a barrier for you is whatever court orders might already be in place, such as visitation, custody orders, etc.
Good luck.  | |
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| Is it right for me to get mad if my daughters mom lets her new b/f of 3 months whatch our daughter
Posted: 10/15/2007 9:56:06 PM | Well, I think you're mad about the fact that this is a BF, and not the fact that it's someone she's known for three months. Think about it. If she were hiring a day care provider, or some other third party, she would interview them, see where they were caring for the child. Meet them twice perhaps and then hire them.
This is someone she's known for much longer, obviously trusts, and she knows that the child is comfortable in the environment. Probably it's a BETTER situation than hiring a virtual stranger.
That said, if you two are able to communicate, she should feel comfortable having YOU watch your daughter. You've said that you're willing to change your shift to accommodate, which says to me that you're interested in actually parenting, and not just trying to interfere with a child care situation.
If she is resistant to you watching your child, I would evaluate this. Is it because you two are unable to cooperate as parents? Do you get along or not? If she's concerned about your motives, does she have experiences that would make her feel this way?
If your sole motivation is actually to parent the child during this period, then you need to tell her that and not make it about her BF watching the child because it's not about that.
As far as what some people have said about the man watching the child, I find that insulting to men (I'm not a man, btw)...it assumes that men are incapable of caring for children, if not basically evil, whereas a woman would be just fine. Many men are very wonderful care givers and love children because they are good people. If you trust your ex, then her BF watching the child should not be an issue because you trust her judgment. But if your anger is solely because he's a BF, and not because he's a man, your gripe is illegitimate. | |
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| Is it right for me to get mad if my daughters mom lets her new b/f of 3 months whatch our daughter
Posted: 10/17/2007 5:23:50 AM | cheri,,
his fear and worry in this case is unfounded. by his own admission, he doesnt know anything about this man. he knows nothing bad about him nor does he know anything good. HE HAS NO INFORMATION other than this guy is now involved with his ex and is sitting for not only their daughter but his own child as well, in an overnight situation. and you all automatically get the ropes ready to hang this new bf automatically presuming the absolute worst. thats hysteria, not fear. hysteria is an irrational responce , because does not have the one thing that would make it rational, that is real and accurate information. its better to suggest that this dad get some info to allieviate his anxiety rather than get his blood pressure up worrying and getting angry which doesnt help anyone. how bout finding a practical solution to his anxiety. If this new man in his ex's and little girls life is gonna be there for the long haul, its best for the children involved that all the parents work together instead of being polar opposites in a losing game of posturing. | |
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| Is it right for me to get mad if my daughters mom lets her new b/f of 3 months whatch our daughter
Posted: 10/17/2007 6:27:32 AM | HE HAS NO RIGHT TO BE PISSED,, did he get pissed about the prior care arrrangement?? doesnt sound like it. sounds like he got jelous when this new man came into the picture. doesnt sound like he gave a flip before this new guy was in the position of caring. doesnt sound like many of you seem to be observant of this particular thing. get the ropes and torches and go after this guy,, thats all you all seem to know.
heaven forbid he actually calm the hell down and ask some questions about the situation. | |
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| Is it right for me to get mad if my daughters mom lets her new b/f of 3 months whatch our daughter
Posted: 10/17/2007 6:46:52 AM | | well i disagree, i think i have a right to be pissed because my ex decided to switch to night work, i should get first crack at spending time with my daughter, i am great father, i love my daughter to death and will stop at nothing to make sure i get fair and proper time with her like the courts ordered. the prior care arrangement was day care at her aunts house when my ex worked during the day, This guy has been in the picture for 3 months, why should he be whatching my daughter if i can. I think it is more important for a child of 2 years of age to actually be with a parent over some boyfriend. I want to see my daughter more, thats the bottom line, i get her every other weekend and 2 days during the week for 5 or 6 hours. what would it hurt for my daughter to be with me if her mother is at work | |
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| Is it right for me to get mad if my daughters mom lets her new b/f of 3 months whatch our daughter
Posted: 10/17/2007 7:05:02 AM | i do not dispute that you are a loving caring dad who wants the best for his daughter. i do not dispute that you should have a say so in where your child recieves care. but, by your own admission, you know nothing about this guy and considering overnight child care is virtually impossible to find, and you work nites, if i was in her position, i would have probably done the same thing. as the person charged with arranging the care, i would have crossed you off the list of availables cuz your schedule is you working when the child needs care. honestly, it would have not crossed my mind that you could or would be able to change your schedule. i also do not dispute that its a much better option to have a parent give care than anyone,, including an aunt.
im trying to demonstrate a point here not go tit for tat with you.
you only seemed to get upset when it was a new guy, not when the aunt was the caregiver. how come you didnt insist on being the one giving care instead of the aunt?, it would have certainly afforded you more time with your daughter,, right? that you didnt insist then and are now pissed is how you appear to be jelous and unfoundedly suspicious of this guy. how can you be suspect of someone you know so little about? you trusted your ex to chose an aunt to give care, how come she cant be trusted with this decision since there had to be a change in care venue?
your sentence>>"i think i have a right to be pissed because my ex decided to switch to night work"
one word, one question WHY?
why do YOU get to be pissed at the work schedule SHE takes? with most jobs there is a shift premium for overnight work. when my kids were young, i worked nites cuz it paid more. i had the caregiver come to my home and sleep while i was at work.
i can see you being a bit put off that you werent even asked to be the one to give care, but again, remember , you work nites. seems to me the two of you have some specific communication issues.
i guess you really have to ask and have answers to what your real problems are with this situation? use some brutal honesty too. in the long run it will be good for your child.
our children learn by watching how their parents interact with eachother. | |
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When it comes to children you should take every precaution. Why gamble with their safety?