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| Should over 50 people be less selective?
Posted: 12/10/2007 6:05:37 PM |
Can I sit with you, as that seems to be the same with me.. maybe we will get it right after awhile. LOL
Please feel at home, my couch is your couch.....
May be we can get 2 psychological profiles for the price of one??  | |
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| Should over 50 people be less selective?
Posted: 12/10/2007 6:53:26 PM | macwhatever: "I think you are showing pride in being indecisive and antisocial. Not because you don't have a man/woman at your side but because you have to constantly broadcast attitudes of rejection as fundamental parts of your personalities."
Wow, what a tangled message you came up with from women posting that they are selective and will continue to be that way - how you got indecisive and anti-social from those messages is a rather fascinating twist on meaning and words. We are quite the opposite, mac, we are decisive that we will not go out with men we deem inappropriate for us for whatever reasons we determine - that is being decisive sweets - and antisocial means "unwilling or unable to associate in a normal or friendly way with other people." Seems you are doing a lot of projection and/or negative transference since you know none of us or anything about our social lives in the real world. I have a far more stimulating and exciting social life than any of my married friends - they actually tell me they envy the fun things I do, so please limit your comments to a subject you might actually know something about - our social lives and decisiveness do not fall under that purview...
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| Should over 50 people be less selective?
Posted: 12/11/2007 2:00:47 PM | So you get your social validation from other women that can't find men too.
No, I get it from my own self esteem. I actually have very few single women friends. Hon, we can ALWAYS find men. It's men worth having that are a bit harder to find. I know there are men who were unfairly cast aside, and there are men who are widowed. But most men worth having,also have smart wives who hang on to them. The ones who are single are divorced, and even though they might be the innocent party, they are SOO screwed up in the head that they just aren't good life companions for a confident and straightforward woman. Reschooling screwed up horses is fun. reschooling screwed up men is not.
If you can't find a suitable man, your choice of remaining single isn't really a choice is it? No, because I could do what many other less secure women have done, get into a onesided relationship with a guy who loves her ,but she doesn't love him to the same degree. The good thing about that,(so I'm told) is that being with a man you don't care much for is that it puts you in a perfect position to "use sex as a weapon" and have everything your own way, (until he grows some balls and leaves)
I have met and dated incredibly "suitable"men, except the love was not there. I am not going to sign up for a relationship with someone I don't love, just so I can avoid the judgement of people who just don't get it.
You are not only showing your 'practicality' by 'choosing' not to be with idiots, beggars, sadists and satyrs, you are showing you don't know how to find those you want or are a poor judge of character. No,I'm a good judge of character. Most of the unattached men my age are somebody else's rejects, or they are basically good guys who CAN'T MAKE UP THEIR minds, they want to be in a relationship but then they remember their last bad experience and wimp out. I don't have the patience to coax along a wimp that's afraid he's gonna get hurt or used.
Mac, I'm surprised at you. Usually you are pretty level headed, how did you get sucked into this " Over 50? HOW DARE YOU BE SELECTIVE" bullsh*t?
Cindy O | |
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| Should over 50 people be less selective?
Posted: 12/11/2007 5:24:46 PM |
We are quite the opposite, mac, we are decisive that we will not go out with men we deem inappropriate for us for whatever reasons we determine - that is being decisive sweets - and antisocial means "unwilling or unable to associate in a normal or friendly way with other people.
Yes you can reject for whatever reason you wish that's easy. As I said before, it's not about what you don't choose, it's about what you do choose.
I'd say that when you are unwilling or unable to go out on a date because you fear most dates are unworthy, is antisocial.
I could do what many other less secure women have done, get into a onesided relationship with a guy who loves her ,but she doesn't love him to the same degree.
I could do what many other less secure women have done, get into a onesided relationship with a guy who loves her ,but she doesn't love him to the same degree.
No,I'm a good judge of character. Most of the unattached men my age are somebody else's rejects, or they are basically good guys who CAN'T MAKE UP THEIR minds, they want to be in a relationship but then they remember their last bad experience and wimp out. I don't have the patience to coax along a wimp that's afraid he's gonna get hurt or used.
Mac, I'm surprised at you. Usually you are pretty level headed, how did you get sucked into this " Over 50? HOW DARE YOU BE SELECTIVE" bullsh*t?
You seem to know so much about insecure women and men that are wimps and I think it would simply scare away men you might deem suitable because you're so ready to declare yourself better then those you deem insecure and wimpy.
I'm really saying that I DARE YOU TO MAKE A SELECTION instead of seeing so many reasons to not to make one. | |
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| Should over 50 people be less selective?
Posted: 12/11/2007 7:03:04 PM |
I'm really saying that I DARE YOU TO MAKE A SELECTION
Hmm, let's see. I'm not emotionally starving and desperate. My emotional cupboard is not bare. So why should I "select' something I don't want? I'd prefer to wait for something I do want. If nothing I want comes along, I have sufficient supply in my emotional cupboard to survive,and survive well
Selective? All I'm looking for is that incredible feeling of rightness that exists when you have found real love. I'd like to think I'm entitled to have a few "druthers"...like wanting him to be a decent human being who knows the difference between right and wrong.
I sometimes feel like I'm an apple talking to oranges. Unlike many single people my age, I did not get rejected or abandoned. Nobody cheated on me or beat me. I didn't cheat on him and suffer the consequences. I have no anger or hate towards men because of wrong done to me by one man. I don't worry that people are gonna think there's something wrong with me because I'm single. Being single doesn't frighten me. Intertwining my life with a man I do not deeply love to match some social structure, now that is what I find frightening.
I select to continue waiting for a relationship that I will KNOW is right. That has NOTHING TO DO with his height, his weight, whether he has money, whether he is bald or has a nice car and/or a big house. I may have to wait til a greater number of emotionally healthy men become widowed. I can live with that. Had I come out of a divorce and been full of anger and panic and a need to prove that I was "OK",I'm quite sure I'd know better how to handle the emotionally damaged men that make up the bulk of the dating pool right now.
I know I've made comments about broke ass drunks, and married cheaters and guys scared of any but the most superficial involvement. But I think what I'm really trying to say is that I'm looking for a man that is emotionally sound, or close to it. MEANING NO DISRESPECT, what's "out here" right now, in my age range, are a majority of guys with with emotional wounds that didn't heal well. A bunch of Fisher Kings, maybe. Hell I don't know. But I SELECT to wait for the man I can just go ahead and LOVE without always having to worry about him acting up because of his previous bad experiences. I don't mean to imply that there AREN'T emotionally healthy men who've come out of a divorce or breakup. And there are quite a few that are indeed on the right road to emotional healing.
But I won't get involved with a man I do not LOVE. I don't need a man to pay my bills or fix my house or car, or to make me fit into the social structure better. I also don't need a man who will drain my energy and my resources with his problems. I don't look for perfection, and I don't mind helping and sharing, but I will not position myself to be drained of either material, emotional or spiritual resources.
Naw, if you want to try and make me out to be not quite right somehow because I don't currently have a husband or boyfriend, have at it. "Settling" SUCKS. I won't do it.
Cindy O | |
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| Should over 50 people be less selective?
Posted: 12/11/2007 7:21:46 PM | and men that are wimps and I think it would simply scare away men you might deem suitable because you're so ready to declare yourself better then those you deem insecure and wimpy.
If he consistently shows signs of being afraid of love then there is no way I could "deem" him "suitable".
If we cannot relate to one another as mature, intelligent rational and loving adults, and have to resort to "figuring out" or playing silly ass highschool headgames, if I have to tiptoe around for fear of reminding him of his ex, if both of us cannot RELAX and be happy, then this is not an interaction/relationship that I want to live in. If that makes me "too selective" well then screw it, y'all can just go on and "settle" without me.
Cindy O | |
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| Should over 50 people be less selective?
Posted: 12/11/2007 7:35:37 PM | "I sometimes feel like I'm an apple talking to oranges. Unlike many single people my age, I did not get rejected or abandoned. Nobody cheated on me or beat me. I didn't cheat on him and suffer the consequences. I have no anger or hate towards men because of wrong done to me by one man. I don't worry that people are gonna think there's something wrong with me because I'm single. Being single doesn't frighten me. Intertwining my life with a man I do not deeply love to match some social structure, now that is what I find frightening."
I completely relate to the above. There is a lot of widowed people who are experiencing the above.
Peer presure to make me be less selective isn't going to work. I had the right relationship but lost it when I became widowed. I was selective then, and being selective was rewarding. I won't be changing my selective ways.
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| Should over 50 people be less selective?
Posted: 12/11/2007 7:48:08 PM |
Yes you can reject for whatever reason you wish that's easy. As I said before, it's not about what you don't choose , it's what about you do choose.
What kind of gobbly-gook is this? Get off, either the drugs or the ego trip you're on.
I'm really saying that I DARE YOU TO MAKE A SELECTION instead of seeing so many reasons to not make one.
Duh???? Don't let this kind of intimidation ( I dare you???) thwart your efforts, ladies or gentlemen to find a person you are compatible with. This is not grade eight........... is it? Scratchin' my head here,? Double dare you? Pretty juvenile at our ages, don't you think? Although, some among us seem to still be operating from that level. I am selective as most people should be. I don't buy shoes that don't fit and hurt after a few hours of use. Why should another person, man or woman, who are meeting someone for the first time or a date, be any differerent?
Isn't that what the OP is talking about? | |
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| Should over 50 people be less selective?
Posted: 12/11/2007 8:03:34 PM |
Being single doesn't frighten me. Intertwining my life with a man I do not deeply love to match some social structure, now that is what I find frightening."
I completely relate to the above. There is a lot of widowed people who are experiencing the above.
I think to be fair you would have to realize that there are a lot of divorced people out there who are experiencing the above, as well. Going through the pain of divorce is something most of us do not want to repeat. It is a frightening prospect for us as well as widows. I have been widowed and divorced and I know whereof I speak.  | |
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| Should over 50 people be less selective?
Posted: 12/11/2007 8:11:33 PM | | ^^^ I agree, and just because someone is divorced, doesn't mean that they haven't healed, nor do they expect every man to be like the ex. I know I don't.. I have nothing against men, but I am selective and I see nothing wrong with that. JMO | |
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| Should over 50 people be less selective?
Posted: 12/11/2007 8:24:33 PM | First I was divorced. Took 7 years to heal and wait for the right partner before meeting my late husband. I saw the difference between a bad marriage and then a good one.
If I am 80 and still single, I won't be less selective.
My opinion is that the number one reason that I am so selective is because there are so many single people who haven't healed, and may never heal. Flame me if you want, but I believe that there are some people who haven't been given the tools to heal. | |
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| Should over 50 people be less selective?
Posted: 12/12/2007 4:31:42 AM |
Being single doesn't frighten me. Intertwining my life with a man I do not deeply love to match some social structure, now that is what I find frightening.
That should be frightning, you should make a choice based on someone you get along with.
However, to be more selective you need more options to select from.
Deeming that most potential partners are not worthy before meeting them is a good excuse to justify 'selectiveness' but it's really lame unless you've actually met them.
Then you say you will wait for the right one to come along. The 'right one' will see your attitude that most are not worthy and move on to someone else so your going to wait a long time.
I do not think the majority of singles are in need of healing and are destined to fail in relationships ,most of the healthy adults actually do make a selection and enjoy the company of their new partners.
Those that are having so much difficulty finding compatible partners are just more vociferous about how healthy they are. But when they really do get healthy, finding a compatible partner will be easy. | |
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| Should over 50 people be less selective?
Posted: 12/12/2007 5:26:27 AM |
(Msg 231) I'm not emotionally starving and desperate. My emotional cupboard is not bare. So why should I "select' something I don't want? I'd prefer to wait for something I do want. If nothing I want comes along, I have sufficient supply in my emotional cupboard to survive,and survive well.
Generally speaking, I think that attitude is what contributes to the difficulty in finding and maintaining a romantic relationship. Some people have a large number of friends and are constantly involved with them. Others have a few friends whom they contact on an irregular basis. The value of having friends means different things to those two types of people just as the value of a relationship means different things to different people.
Someone who enjoys sharing their life and likes the lifestyle of being in a relationship will naturally put more into it than someone with a take it or leave it attitude.
I find it strange people use the word “settling” when discussing romantic relationships. From jobs to homes, from exercising to hobbies/activities, from family to friends, nothing is perfect. Do some folks go through life complaining they settled on a job or settled on a hobby or settled on a certain friend? I think the statement “I won’t settle” is just another way of saying being in a relationship doesn’t mean all that much to the person. How much interest can be expected from one who places such low value on a relationship?
I think this has a bearing on a lot of threads including why people don’t want to meet and why they want to go slow and why many emails are not answered and other questions people raise. Rather than them trying to figure out what to do or what the problem may be they should realize the other person is just not interested. They should appreciate knowing right away instead of trying to start a relationship and wondering why things are constantly going wrong. | |
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| Should over 50 people be less selective?
Posted: 12/12/2007 6:28:31 PM | macwhatever:"Yes you can reject for whatever reason you wish that's easy. As I said before, it's not about what you don't choose, it's about what you do choose.
I'd say that when you are unwilling or unable to go out on a date because you fear most dates are unworthy, is antisocial."
Hmmm, wonder how you got appointed judge and jury of who dates whom. As stated before we make our decisions based on what we know about a person, that IS about choice and how you read that as being antisocial is anyone's guess. I am not "unwilling or unable to go on a date because you (I) fear..." I am perfectly willing and able and capable of going on a date with someone I feel will have qualities I seek in another. I will not go out with someone who obviously has no qualities that appeal to me-and just for your edification I will point out some of those things that would NOT appeal to me ever: he's too young, too old, he hunts, he has been married and divorced 4 times, he has no education, he doesn't like to travel except in an RV, etc etc. Why in the world do you keep insisting that we should do that just because we are over 50?? Being over 50 means we don't want to waste our precious time on taking time to get ready, go somewhere, waste time, waste money and be uncomfortable the entire time. Why would anyone in their right mind, regardless of age, want to engage in such meaningless encounters? That is not being antisocial, that is being decisive and mature and self-aware. Your arguments are very immature and baseless as well as mostly nonsensical. | |
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| Should over 50 people be less selective?
Posted: 12/12/2007 6:59:46 PM | notard
You sound like someone who has really looked at this thing. Everyone else seem to working on it from the point of view that they want a man/woman around just so they wont be alone. Any man will do. I dont think that is a major change from when they were in their 20's.
Do I want to die alone? No but I would rather die alone than with an old man who drives me to kill. I dont think a lot of women feel that way. I get the feeling any man will do. | |
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| Should over 50 people be less selective?
Posted: 3/11/2008 7:45:57 PM | | No they shouldnt, by the time we reach 50 or more we should all have learned a few things about ourselves what we want , & what we need. We should also by this age be honest above everything else. I have been married twice both time to men I loved & both time I was married 20 years. My first is deceased & my second found a new love.Do I want to marry again... no I dont think so. However I would like to meet my best friend & lover.I have had one date in the last two years.... am I selective .... You bet I am.I am not a Barbie Doll... No. I am 58 & I look it. I love life & love people.I am not looking for someone to take care of me... but would like someone to hold me, if it happens it does if not I can survive. I wont sell my self short.I dont belive going to dinner means going to bed later, unless thats my choice, & so far I have been to dinner onece but not to bed except alone. | |
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| Should over 50 people be less selective?
Posted: 3/11/2008 11:28:53 PM | More selective when it comes to the qualities which make for a good marriage or relationship. Qualities such as maturity, comparable intelligence, similar outlook about life.
FAR less selective when it comes to the superficialities such as looks, height, figure or body build.
Even the kids ought to start looking for the REAL qualities. | |
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| Should over 50 people be less selective?
Posted: 3/12/2008 9:16:16 AM | | I got a reply from a fellow yesterday who put me on his fav's list and took me off and I wasn't sure if I had removed him but as it turns out it was him and he went on to tell me the reason why he did was cuz I have been on here long enough and I should of found someone by now. I am selective and read the profile very carefully and being a tall woman of 5'11 going out with a man 5'5 does nothing for me or a young stud or a man over the age of 56, I have met a lot of men but to be honest around this area there aren't enough here for the amount of single women out there. I don't mind being single and taking my time I won't settle for just anyone so I can have someone in my life. | |
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| Should over 50 people be less selective?
Posted: 3/12/2008 1:10:32 PM | Are you happy with things the way they are?
Would you be happier if you lowered your standards a little and found a relationship?
Or, would you be less happy?
We want to maximize our happiness, and if being selective helps avoid unhappier circumstances, it's justified. If it interferes with happiness, then perhaps less selectivity could help. And whatever you do in this regard, it doesn't have to be a permanent choice or change in standards - it could be a temporary experiment to see what happens. | |
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| Should over 50 people be less selective?
Posted: 3/13/2008 2:34:22 PM | | NO NO NO NO NO and did I say no! we have less time and more appreciation, as you so eloquently stated, of people. we get less flustered by silly things and find more good in people. we should be MORE picky than when we were younger and had more time to make and correct mistakes. Life is a lot shorter at 50 than it was at twenty i can afford to wait longer rather than jump in a relationship thats a disaster waiting to happen. the old parrothead | |
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| Should over 50 people be less selective?
Posted: 3/13/2008 2:54:03 PM | 1. If you have a pattern of selecting loosers, by all means be less selective until you break the pattern. Then make a selection.
2. If you have a pattern of not selecting you can't be less selective. Start selecting or stop trying to date.
3. If you have been wanting to select and want a bevy of prospects to select from but can't get anyone to contact you, it's probably because you keep throwing around how selective you are (as some sort of badge of superior values) your prospects run from that.
4. If you can still get dates, do it.
5. If you're too paranoid to make contacts, get a referral from you doctor for psychotherapy and some medication to take the edge off.
6. If you can think I'm addressing you, go back to #5 | |
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| Should over 50 people be less selective?
Posted: 3/15/2008 7:06:15 AM | I have to say yes to that in answer to the question. I had a quick and dirty second marriage to a beautiful woman. For a year or so, I felt I had the best there was, the most beautiful, sexy woman alive. In year two, her true colors started to show...a neurotic, divisive, stubbon, jealous women who was inconsolable and demanding. The superficial looks went pretty quickly and she began to look ugly to me.
As you deepend the emotional bond with someone, you don't just see the package anymore, you see through your heart with emotional vision. I was too quick to take someone into my life because of all the silly, superficial reasons we sometimes select and paid for it, dearly.
After 50, all our nicks and bruises from life show and that is what people initially see, until you develop a bond with someone. Few of us go through life unscathed. If I reserved the best for myself, it would be someone so rare and unusual that they are unlikely to exist ...and then, who am I? What would make me so special, anyway?
I think you have to overlook what you can, some things are not negotiable, some are. It's really about what you HAVE and develop with someone over time, anyway. It's not about shopping for people like they are "things", anyway. | |
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