| Relationships without long-term expectations...?
Posted: 10/18/2007 6:48:14 PM | Well, leave it to "justcueit" to see inside my soul and ask the very question that has been on my mind. I will try to respond as honestly as I can knowing that this may be read by the person in question.
I am fine with it. And in my case there is even the factor of some distance involved. Your question is not exactly my predicament, however, it does hit close enough to home to warrant a response. We have an "exclusivity" agreement betwen us and working on preserving our friendship/relationship for the "long haul" . There is nothing I wouldn't do for this lady and I consider myself in the FWB category, although it is not applicable in the PoF sense. The greatest "benefit" of my FWB is that we are "friends" foremostly and anything else is gravy. We talk everyday and spend 5/6 days a week together. We work together around the house, we help each other out in any way we can, we talk about anything and everything and I feel blessed to have such a wonderful lady in my life. I would not intentionally do anything to jeopordize this "relationship". But being a male, I am certain there will be times when I say or do something "stupid" which will try her patience. I only hope that she is understanding enough to forgive my "inconsideration" and that we may enjoy the rest of our natural lives in each other's company.
Thanks *justcueit* for helping to define what I already knew in my heart. | |
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| Relationships without long-term expectations...?
Posted: 10/18/2007 6:57:13 PM | | I wouldn't be okay with that at all - I would want my man in my bed every night and would eventually want to move in together. If I didn't feel it was a close enough connection to do that I would rather be alone - the type of boyfriend/girlfriend relationship the OP described first would make me feel lonely. | |
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| Relationships without long-term expectations...?
Posted: 10/18/2007 7:06:28 PM | My mom has this arrangement
She was widowed several years back...and the 10 years before she was nursing a very ill husband. To her credit she did it without one complaint and she loved him very much. She was there 24/7 for him..it couldn't have been easy for her. When he finally passed she was devastated.. and for the first time in her life she was living on her own.
This year she met a very nice man in her apartment building..they've been dating seriously (monogamously) since then. He's a sweetie, she adores him...they spend a lot of time together, just not all of it. I asked her if they were going to live together and she told me..no, she needed her own space and had already lived most of her life with her husband...they spend time together, play cards on a league together, go on vacations together, go to the dirt races, sleep over occaisionally.. but when either of them wants time alone..they can go to their separate apartments. Also she watches my daughter one night a week (her and nana are very close) and she likes that she can have that time to themselves. She told me she doesn't get sick of him because they spend time together when they want to...familiarity CAN breed contempt. They have both been married, both raised their kids and now they want to live their own way..
I think it's great | |
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| Relationships without long-term expectations...?
Posted: 10/18/2007 7:09:59 PM |
we are "friends" foremostly and anything else is gravy. We talk everyday and spend 5/6 days a week together. We work together around the house, we help each other out in any way we can, we talk about anything and everything and I feel blessed to have such a wonderful lady in my life.
Boland!!!! I am sooooooooo happy for you!!! It sounds wonderful!!!!!! (for you!) I'm almost jealous!! OK... I AM jealous!!  of what you have... I still want more... but I'm very happy for you!!! and your lovely lady (in case she's peaking in!)  | |
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| Relationships without long-term expectations...?
Posted: 10/18/2007 7:24:20 PM | Well, I am surprised at the number of people who can easily see themselves living that scenario.
To me, that just seems very 'friendly'.
I want the whole works. I want my man/best friend living with me, sharing everything from cleaning the bathroom to spur of the moment sex. We need to see each other when we're at our best and at our worst and I just can't see that happening if we live in separate houses. | |
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| Relationships without long-term expectations...?
Posted: 10/18/2007 7:27:07 PM |
Could any of you see yourself in a relationship where you were OK just being life-long boyfriend and girlfriend? Even after years you'd still not want to live together, get married and/or have children? Having total devotion to the relationship - outside of living together.
Right now, that sounds perfect to me. But I recognize that our needs/wants/dreams are constantly changing, and after some time (maybe months; maybe years) my view on that could change. And of course, it depends what the other person in the relationship wants too - and how that might also change over time.
It would have to be what BOTH wanted, and they would have to be honest with each other if their feelings started to change (in any direction). Would require good and honest communication.
But yah - right now I think that's exactly what is most appealing to me. | |
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| Relationships without long-term expectations...?
Posted: 10/18/2007 7:31:10 PM | ~OP~
I started similar thread a while ago, it has been only couple of pages, but to me it was sufficient. I questioned the same thing you do, it is about commitment... how much someone is going to give of himself/herself in the relationship. This thread helped to straighten myself. In my opionion, it is either the whole package or no pacakge at all. Otherwise you will feel like they are throwing you a carrot on a fishing line and as you come closer to it, they keep pulling away from you, they you go an pout, and then again they throw another carrot at you, to get you going, but never ever, I repeat again, never ever will they commit 100%. I came to conclusion, that if I met someone I loved truly I would want them 24/7
here is a link:
http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts8264091.aspx | |
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| Relationships without long-term expectations...?
Posted: 10/18/2007 7:33:31 PM | | Totally the relationship I'm in now....LOVE it! But perhaps that is because I am entering my midlife. I was married for 17 years before I divorced. I've had my children and I am not planning on having anymore. My life is full and complete. My boyfriend is a wonderful addition to what I have now. | |
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| Relationships without long-term expectations...?
Posted: 10/18/2007 7:57:37 PM | | I have to wonder if more people in mid-life weren't diligently searching for "happily ever after", if there would be a lot less lonely people in mid life??? Why not call it for what it is and be honest? If it includes two "mature" adults and there's respect and trust, so be it. I don't see anything wrong with two people having a long term relationship and not living together. I think it's ok to admit we've been there and done that and that we're starting to feel comfortable in our own dwellings and our own lives. Put young kids in the mix and it's even harder! More so, I think it also depends on the "relational" needs of each person. Some people like having someone around 24/7 , go to bed with them every night, wake up with them every morning and basically be a "couple". Myself, I'm more independent and can respect a mans need for independence to have his life and do the guy things he wants to do. I like to do my own things too and truly enjoy having time to myself. Just because someone needs more space, doesn't mean that their less committed. Actually, I think it's downright healthy, codependency sucks! | |
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| Relationships without long-term expectations...?
Posted: 10/18/2007 9:21:47 PM | Gosh, I don't know. Each relationship is its own plant, and carries it's own growth genes.
My first marriage, in my 20's, we lived together. Which meant, I stayed home with the babies and he went to work. He'd be home after the babies were in bed, design circuits in his head till bed time, and I'd see him the next morning. Weekends were spent playing with the stock market, during which time, no one was allowed to disturb him. I was withering from loneliness.
In my thirties, began the most intense relationship of my life: we were totally unable to spend more than two days together without both of us running away to catch our breath.
In my forties, I was married to a man unable to be alone. The last six months of our marriage, he had an affair.
Fifties? A two year thang with my mountaintop neighbor. We never lived together except for the two weeks I had rat poison out at my place. But we spent about 16 hours a day together, and many nights.
And then, finally, a close to perfect relationship. We lived together, but he was often gone (he was an actor), I often came back here. But 80% of the time we went to sleep in the same bed, and woke up there. He'd call if he were late. We often talked all night, into morning. I adored him; he adored me. I think any way we'd worked it out would have been fine. He died last year, but left me with a template of what a great relationship feels like.
And that *feeling* more than any specific living arrangements is what I'm looking for. The rest will be okay. Whatever form it takes.
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| Relationships without long-term expectations...?
Posted: 10/18/2007 11:01:31 PM | YES - this would totally work for me :) The longer I live alone the more I like it. Like the other posters said - companionship does not necessarily come from living together. My ex and I lived in the same house for years and were not companions. And I need my space to recharge too - my "me" time.
I am not sure if I would even go as far as saying "life long" partner. Although I suppose something could work into that. Not saying I am opposed to marriage (okay - not a big fan of it) but honestly I don't see myself going there anytime soon (or even in the distant future). But...never say never :)
Committed to each other, exclusive and maintaining separate households....sound good to me  | |
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| Relationships without long-term expectations...?
Posted: 10/19/2007 2:05:44 AM | Personally can't see it.
Right now, I've been separated goin' on three years, hope to get a divorce sometime soon. I don't and never have lived with a man I married to. Can't see it happenin anytime in the future...maybe because I'm not even dating anyone...but I doubt that would make much difference. I'd like to marry again someday...they say third time is charmed, lol...dunno bout that. What I do know is right now, ain't none of it possible, except maybe dating, so kind of a mute point. | |
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| Relationships without long-term expectations...?
Posted: 10/19/2007 2:17:07 PM | I'm surprised... and disappointed... in how many could and would live seperate. Especially seeing lots of posters are in my age range.
It saddens me to think that so many people are either so set in their ways, or jaded, that they don't want what just seems like a natural progression to me.
I can kinda see the "retirement home" scenario... when it comes to that stage in life, but for those of us with still so much to offer someone, "choosing" to not share everything just seems cold to me. To be afraid you aren't going to get your "space" when envisioning a loving, committed relationship, implies to me that your idea of a loving, committed relationship is skewed. No offense to those that think they could do it, but when I'm ready for a relationship it will be the old fashioned type where we date till we decide we want to be together always, and then we'll either live together or get married (that doesn't HAVE to happen).
It'd be interesting to hear from folks that actually lived this way... how it worked... or didn't (seeing they'd be on a dating site!!)
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| Relationships without long-term expectations...?
Posted: 10/19/2007 2:22:00 PM | i'd wanna get married some day.
my bf now said if he can't have kids, he won't get married, and will stick to bf/gf instead. i told him if he ever finds out he can't have kids, and decides to not get married at all, i will break-up with him. its just that we'll have different goals in life already. i'm not dating him to change him... | |
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| Relationships without long-term expectations...?
Posted: 10/19/2007 3:33:40 PM | I dont think it is a correct assumption for you to make that any of us that would prefer seperate arrangements are afraid, jaded, or skewed in any way based on us not matching your preferences. It doesnt mean that we are incapable of changing, it just so happens that our lives as they are right now, seem to suit us just fine. Is there something wrong with a man who never marries,a woman who doesnt want children, or wants to stay at home instead of earning an income, or someone who has a need to be in a living arrangement on a 24/7 schedule? Individual differences are wonderful thing. We are okay with your preferences. What about the married people that are on POF just for friends, or other relationships, or singles for hang out/talk/email? Are they socially maladjusted? Is that sad to you as well?
Just curious "bout that! | |
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| Relationships without long-term expectations...?
Posted: 10/19/2007 4:39:12 PM |
Just curious "bout that!
Ummm... I put "to me" in bold so that it would be clear that was just my opinion... nothing personal to those that think otherwise... sorry if you took it that way.
The "other" situations you pointed out aren't LTR's. I see a natural progression of LTR's and that includes eventually living together. I didn't say those that think otherwise are maladjusted.... I said it saddens me. To see so many lean that way makes my dating pool smaller. In hindsight, maybe I should've added that.
That you think my assumption is incorrect is your assumption... and you're entitled to it, same as I'm entitled to my thoughts. I'm not going to get into a pissing contest with you regarding every and any possible relationship combo out there. This is about relationships without long-term expectations, and we've gotten lots of good feedback from both perspectives.
Everybody has preferences... and we're all entitled to voice them, and the reasons for them... that's what's wonderful about having a voice in the first place :-) | |
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| Relationships without long-term expectations...?
Posted: 10/19/2007 5:05:14 PM | | It's not about a pissing contest, sorry you take relative questions and opinions as challenging or confrontational. I was not offended, not at all. I believe I posted that I am curious about that. I am learning a great deal,,,coming to terms with a few "demons" of my own as you put it in your profile. Overall, I have a pretty healthy outlook and am taking some me time as my son finishes school before he leaves home and I empty nest completely. So from my take on things, jaded and afraid are interpreted often as negative traits or attitudes. As for why I am now on a dating site, I was widowed, after a 20 yr marriage. Single life is a world I didnt expect to be a part of at this time in my life, just sharing some background in line with your post I had responded to above. | |
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| Relationships without long-term expectations...?
Posted: 10/19/2007 5:31:41 PM | Honestly, wouldn't work for me. Everyone's different, and I'm very much a live and let live. Whatever makes someone else happy...that's what they should do.
Relationships are something I take seriously. I expect and enjoy investing in them...personally...something very special and precious about finding someone you treasure so much that you want to build your life and future with. To me that's what a relationship is about, not just being open but being joyful and excited about making someone else a total part of my life and being a part of his.
I maybe don't think of commitment as some do. To me it's a positive, something to celebrate and be happy about. Not "work"...relationships that are work never lasted long. It's a positive..not an effort...it's effortless and easy. NOt a chore, a burden, and obligation. If you're consistently "working" at your relationship, that's a sign that your relationship isn't working.
To speak to my own personal experience, we have a great relationship, it works on it's own. Not that we don't contribute or aren't involved. ANd we have decisions to make. Maybe it's our communication level and comfort level is so high. If we have something to think about or decide...we talk about it. Lay it all out...our thoughts, feelings...ideas. The key I think is it's not about him or me, it's about us, our relationship takes priority.
And it laying it all out, the decisions almost make themselves. It works because we're both so committed to each other's happiness...well being and fulfillment. Pffft...what's so hard to decide? We can do this, do that. Our priority is our commitment to each other.
A relationship that's not long term. I'd be disappointed with anything less. I'll take a pass. That is my expectation, belief and know that's the only thing that works with me. | |
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daisie
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Joined: 9/22/2004
Msg: 70 | |
| Relationships without long-term expectations...?
Posted: 10/19/2007 5:42:45 PM | I've lived with my long term guys in the past and they were wonderful arrangements. livng with someone can be really great!!!
however now I appreciate my own space and time even more.....and although I would love to find MR OUT OF THIS WORLD SUPER DUPER FANTASICALLY INCERDIBLE and be in love once again....the truth is it wouldbe very difficult/impossible for me to live with someone agian. yes,.....the risk of it notworking and all that hassle is a PART of my concern but a bigger concern is that jeeeeeeeeee-zusssssssssssss i DONT want to see that same old face and nekked butt of his every single day.
...day in and day out and blah blah blah.......nope. that ROUTINE , monotonous routine is a KILLER!!!
keep it special.....keep it in 2 separate houses!!!
and 2 xmas trees!!
merry xmas! | |
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| Relationships without long-term expectations...?
Posted: 10/19/2007 5:57:33 PM | | I am at the point in my life where I would like a live in relationship. I could use a wife! I am being funny as I am a woman. I am getting tired of doing it all. I do know that two people pulling together can make it a lot better in every way. I am not young anymore, and I would like the security of having a significant other living with me who could help me out if I got sick and I could do the same for him. I think you can have your own space and still live together. I am in a relationship now where he wants his cake and he wants to eat it too. He calls when he feels like it, comes to see me when he feels like it, and we never do anything together because he does not want to. I love him but I am going to move on because I feel that he is selfish. Maybe I will find somebody, maybe not. Life is not easy. Whatever happens happens but I would love to be in a warm loving relationship again. | |
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| Relationships without long-term expectations...?
Posted: 10/19/2007 6:17:52 PM | | I have stated how i feel about this type of arangement, they say they can have a serious realtionship with each living in thier own homes , i have siad it seams dirty to me but reall it shows a great big lack of commitment from both people, it takes 2 to make a realtionship work and it seams like to me that both are not trying living in separate homes is not a realtionship, if i knew a women weas in that type of realtionship i would be hitting on her as felt he didnt care euogh about her to look after, and where ever this is the chance of opperatuinty some will take advantaged of the stitation. | |
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| Relationships without long-term expectations...?
Posted: 10/19/2007 8:28:31 PM |
Some people are together as boyfriend and girlfriend, move in together, maybe get married, become miserable, get divorced, and then go back to dating each other for the rest of their lives, quite happily .
That's me ! Honestly.......it works for me, because the distance is not too great. If we were living too far, it would not work. | |
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| Relationships without long-term expectations...?
Posted: 10/19/2007 8:43:40 PM | Interesting thread OP,
I value my "alone" time very much. I need that time to recharge but at the same time I think a committed relationship and true intimacy is about everyday living. Being in the moment with my best friend, knowing what is going on in his life, sharing and supporting him in his highs and lows and visa versa - otherwise it kind of sounds like FWB. Truly loving someone isn't just about the benefits, it's about being there for anything bad that happens to them as well.
Anyway, my hope is to find a passionate partner and best friend - I have my own passions, hobbies and friends, and hope that he does as well. We can do some things together but allow each other individual growth and time apart.
Jewlsey | |
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| Relationships without long-term expectations...?
Posted: 10/19/2007 9:07:14 PM | | "True 'intimacy' is everyday" How bout me? We are in 100% agreement, A+, you really get it, and understand. The ultimate in love is a life long commitment, each day is new, you have to show up for it to be true. You're words are as nice as a walk in the Garden District. | |
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