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| he's just a sex partner..is that wrong?
Posted: 10/22/2007 4:48:28 PM | Like I said if she has no problem getting boned by a guy with out a care. She will do the same thing if someone else came into her life.
Are you serious....I have been married....never once cheated, I have been in other relationships, never once cheated....Look people, unless your perfect do NOT pass judgement on those of us who know we are not. I am not the cheating kind, and in the world full of cynical people that we live in, if all I am doing is having a "thing" with the guy around the corner, why are you being so ignorant about it....if we are in the habit of just judging people on who they are sleeping with, then lets be realistic in our critism, I am single, not dating anyone...so am I a cheater...NOOOOO | |
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| he's just a sex partner..is that wrong?
Posted: 10/22/2007 4:54:10 PM | | and for the people who just cant understand how I can carry it on for this long without feelings getting involved....I am not saying that there are no feelings....he is a great guy, he is funny, he is easy to talk to, and thats it, I care about him, just like I would care about anyone in my life that plays a key role. But as I said....he is not the type of guy I could see a long term relationship with, we have no similiar interest and we are following to different paths in life. But that doesnt mean that what we do right now is making us bad people. So to an extent, there are feelings, just not those kind of feelings. | |
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| he's just a sex partner..is that wrong?
Posted: 10/22/2007 5:05:16 PM | | maybe you should discuss your feelings about your lover with a therapist. they will put you in a strict program to help your self esteem and depression get better and teach you how to deal with the dependence you have for your lover. | |
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| he's just a sex partner..is that wrong?
Posted: 10/22/2007 5:18:41 PM | Irish.......its your life, if that works for you.....u go for it!! We all have needs and if yours are being met in a way that is ok for you then that is all that matters. Just ignore all of the negative comments as long as you can let go of "M" when a keeper comes along, I see no problem with what you are doing. There are many doing that and much worse I am sure.  | |
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| he's just a sex partner..is that wrong?
Posted: 10/22/2007 5:40:03 PM | There are two schools of thought here OP and you only want to hear that it's okay and we're all behind you 100%---sorry that hasn't happened and it won't---not by those who do think about those we are dating or about to begin such a relationship with........
So far you've "dated" two other guys with one of them breaking your heart which sent you running back to Michael. I've seen this very same sort of thing before where someone has a defacto significant other that they're sleeping with on a semi-regular basis. At each little bump in the road they're heading right back to that person for comfort or understanding they're not getting elsewhere. Instead of working through whatever with the outside person it's easier to take the beaten path and dismiss the unfortunate dating life as just not the right guy---not that time, maybe next time though?
The truth is you're not fully committed to anything at this point---Micheal or the trying to find one man for yourself. You have the enviable position of having a satisfying on-going relationship and being able to dabble with other people all the while knowing when it doesn't work out you have a fall back guy. With that safety net you don't NEED anything more than you have now. I myself simply wouldn't even attempt to date someone already involved with another----whether you want to admit it or not or even realize it you're involvement with Michael is probably the very reason you've not yet found anyone.
There's not a thing wrong with your hooking up for the sex but trying to date is not being honest with yourself or those you try to date. Most guys will see this for what it is----18 months says a lot---and they'll know your mind and heart really are some where else. Knowing your fall back guy is there keeps you distant and makes it so very easy to bolt at the first sign of something you don't care for, no matter how small or insignificant. You can afford to be ultra particular since you're really not single and not really looking, you're just playing around until something "better" comes along.
You're mind and attentions are too divided---not a way to get a decent guy! | |
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| he's just a sex partner..is that wrong?
Posted: 10/22/2007 6:21:57 PM | "You will never find what you're looking for if you don't know what you want". That is my quote for these situations. Whatever justification you are looking for from this forum will be moot. You want certain things and are looking for it in a peculiar way. It's like looking for a street in New York with a map of Toronto in your hand; you'll never find it.....
Good luck! | |
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| he's just a sex partner..is that wrong?
Posted: 10/22/2007 8:49:55 PM | OP, it just sounds very strange to maintain a 1 1/2 year relationship with someone who is basically a bed buddy, yet feel like you have lots to offer to someone looking for a substantial relationship. You sound like you want to eat your cake, have some later, and have somebody bring you more whenever you feel like it. You aren't seeking monogamy if you have multiple sex partners. I'd assume you want to have sex with the guy you mark as "relationship" material. Sounds like an impossible conundrum. 1 1/2 years does sound like you are sweet on a guy who is more than a bed buddy. You contradict yourself when you mention details of your interactions with this dude.
Look I don't begrudge the swinging lifestyle, but it's important that most men and women who value monogamy don't swing. Don't trick yourself into believing you want monogamy--you don't. You're looking basically for an open relationship with a second sex partner. You sound like you want to swing, so why not be upfront about that when seeking to add more spice to your life?
About dating someone and disclosing whether or not you have current sex partners: personally I don't think I would get to the point of introducing sexual intercourse into a relationship unless I had a pretty strong sense that my lady was not getting any from other sources. Discussion would be unnecessary; the only time I'd ask about this is if the woman gave no hint to having a bed buddy, hung out with me, really played an innocent behavior. Basically, she'd have to play me real real well. Then suddenly her behavior changed, like I'd notice her seriously flirting with other men whereas she wasn't doing so before. Or suddenly changed plans with me and seemed to be deceptive in telling why she did so. A frank discussion would be in order, if frank answers weren't offered, I'd frankly end the relationship.
Most people wouldn't get far into a serious emotional relationship with someone who has one or more bed buddies, no matter what protection they used, no matter how safe they think the sex is they are having with other parties. You don't get unless you give: you won't get into a meaningful relationship unless you are willing to offer meaning to it. | |
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Ice-ey
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Joined: 10/19/2007
Msg: 58 | |
| he's just a sex partner..is that wrong?
Posted: 10/22/2007 8:55:03 PM | | There really is nothing wrong with that. Really. The only thing in the way between two consenting adults is your own inhibitions, but best of luck with your situation. | |
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| he's just a sex partner..is that wrong?
Posted: 10/22/2007 8:58:21 PM | | wow....do you people even read what is written, or do you read the stuff people post afterwards....I do want a solid relationship, I do want to be in love, I have never cheated in a relationship, or had more than one partner at a time, but RIGHT NOW, I am very much single and guess what I sit home alone every night almost, I do have an occassional itch, and I do have ONE partner right now that I have the occassional moment with....not random partners, and not multiple partners, just ONE...I am 39 years old and very self supportive, but there are a few things that a woman needs from a man now and then...dont turn it into more than it is, or make me out to be something I am not....my advice to all you uptight lonely people....go find one for yourselves and relax a little....maybe your still single because your so judgemental...hmmmm ponder that one for a minute. | |
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| he's just a sex partner..is that wrong?
Posted: 10/22/2007 9:08:36 PM | | OP, you are rationalizing--I'm not uptight nor critical of your viewpoint. You cannot concurrently have a bed buddy and seek a substantial relationship. The two relationships are not compatible. You sound like you feel like it's ok to hedge your bets and keep the bed buddy and not tell potential suitors you are having sex with someone else. This behavior won't fly with most guys. As soon as they find out about the other guy, if they value monogamy they will seek it with another woman. Otherwise, you should allow him to have multiple sex partners--what's good for the goose is good for the gander. That's the definition of an open, swinging relationship. It does seem like you are seeking multiple concurrent sex partners. Please explain why you don't feel like you are not doing that--if you can't admit this, you are simply rationalizing and will never understand how you feel is irrational. | |
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| he's just a sex partner..is that wrong?
Posted: 10/22/2007 9:24:34 PM | I think I can understand the situation. It's not FWB but more of a convenience. We don't know the whole story, but I'm sure most can relate to the "arrangement" as that limbo period when a relationship cools before the two part (or in another way, a separated couple living together before the divorce . . . . convenience).
It's an arrangement between two consenting adults fully aware of the situation. I've been in a similar situation, but for only a month and without the benefit of knowing my place in the non-emotional relationship. We all have needs, and it sounds like you are making the best you can.
However, at some point you'll want the full "package" a relationship brings, when it comes your way, and thus this past is best left silent.
Jamie | |
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| he's just a sex partner..is that wrong?
Posted: 10/22/2007 9:57:28 PM | I expect to get slammed for this..or maybe called too old fashioned...while I understand that women also have sexual needs..what is the rationale that because they have needs they have to be acted on. I miss sexual intimacy when I don't have it, a lot. But, I guess it's never so overwhelming that I have to find just anyone to have sex with. Sure, it has some discomforting feelings, sure I am sometimes tempted. But, it just doesn't drive me to act on that need alone.
OP: I have to go with the people who are saying: it isn't that you have a sex partner, it's that you are obviously conflicted about one or the other. You can't have both. Either you just want sex, or you want a whole relationship. And though some men think these kind of things are just great, they would be in the same category as Michael...not looking for a serious relationship. I'd venture to guess that most, if not all, men who are looking for a long term relationship, would not be ok with you having your FB. Most men who think its ok, are looking for the same thing. You have to make up your mind. Which do you want? | |
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| he's just a sex partner..is that wrong?
Posted: 10/22/2007 10:03:14 PM | First of all.. Im new to these forums.. what the hell is OP you all keep referring too... and
irish... I see nothing wrong with having a friend with benefits... you say he isnt ur friend.. sure he is ...anyone that is intimate with someone else unless you are a prostitute.. is a friend.. there was a mutual feeling of likeness I would imagine.. right? | |
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| he's just a sex partner..is that wrong?
Posted: 10/22/2007 10:33:51 PM | bikerman .......she never said she wanted to continue seeing michael once she found a man she wanted to have a serious relationship with. She didn't say she was into swinging, in fact she has said quite the opposite, and while I don't think she on the right path to find the type of man she wants she isn't what you are trying to make her out to be. I agree that the type of man she wants may shy away knowing what she is doing, or even that she has done it in the past. She is right though, she isn't cheating. In fact she is being monogamous, just not in a commited relationship. I'm sure if whe wanted to have multiple parners she could be doing that now with no problem. Kind of throws the "swinger" theory right out the window.
Irish I said before what you do is your business. Remember what I said about image? There is more than enough proof here that it is impotant. I have given you my opinion for what its worth but I'm not judging you and I don't think what you are doing is wrong. There is something else I want to say though. We all have desires, we all have need and we all have wants. Sex isn't a need, its a want and a desire. I still think to get the type of guy you want you need to decide what you want and desire more. | |
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| he's just a sex partner..is that wrong?
Posted: 10/23/2007 1:35:18 AM | irish girl in mi, are you a masochist? You've got some big ovaries starting this thread!
I'm of the opinion if you meet a right guy, he will accept you as you are, appreciate your honesty and look towards the future, not want to judge the past. If you run across someone with the opinions like vegastout, it's safe to say you are not compatable with guys like him and move on.
I really do believe you need to evaluate how you would feel meeting a guy in the same situation. I mean, after meeting a guy and explaining your situation, if he said, "Well that's great, I have a woman I do the same thing with.", how would you feel? How about if he said he was going to continue to have sex with her till you two were exclusive? If you honestly don't believe that would bother you, then what's to worry about?
I would think a lot of guys could not accept that, even if they were doing exactly the same thing. I think another way of thinking would be like Arugula posted (and I'm paraphrasing); What happened before me is not really my business, but what's happening since me is. In this case, my question would be, could you give up having sex with someone you cared about on a moment's notice?
There will be some guys who believe what you are doing is wrong, and will want nothing to do with you.
If what you are really looking for people to not be judgemental, I would have to ask "How's that working for you?" I've found there's no lack of people who will give you their view of right and wrong, and are not interested in dissent. I typically don't get along with those types. I do better with people willing to tell me what they believe and willing to listen to what I have to say.
I always get back to I can't change others, the best I can do is change myself. I limit my contact with people I don't like, and admittedly tend not to value their opinions. It doesn't mean their opinion is wrong, just I have no value for it.
To sum up, when you say, "Is that wrong", it depends on who you ask. I believe the best way to answer that for yourself is to reverse roles, and ask the same question.
Bob | |
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| he's just a sex partner..is that wrong?
Posted: 10/23/2007 1:41:36 AM | | ok my question is,,, how the hell can you just have a sex partner without getting attached,,>???? unless your some kind of hoe or somethin,, not that i am saying that directly to you,, but that is how i feel if i have no emotional attachedment to whom im slleeping with/dating at the time,, call it proper upbringing i dont know... but i think its morally wrong,,,, might as well be a call girl and get paid for havin sex,,, | |
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LWK
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Joined: 7/10/2006
Msg: 68 | |
| he's just a sex partner..is that wrong?
Posted: 10/23/2007 2:08:03 AM | OP my questions to you would be ... how is the sex with Michael ? Is it great sex, so so sex, just ok enough to get off sex? Is there alot of kissing and foreplay going on ? does he stay over night on these sex dates? Reason I ask is because if all your needing is a sexual release without the emotional stuff this can obviously be taken care of by yourself without involving another person that is complicating your search for the Right Person ..
JMHO
LWK | |
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| he's just a sex partner..is that wrong?
Posted: 10/23/2007 3:21:56 AM | OP, the general feeling I get from the responses on this thread is that those who dislike/disagree with what you are doing feel that way because they would not like to learn that their partner had done it at some point.
Frankly, when I was younger I couldn't bear the thought of someone I loved ever having sex with another -- before or after me. The feelings were terribly powerful and dramatic. I assumed there was a moral basis for them but I found none other than some vague references in the Bible and a few other religious tomes.
As I got older I realized that I was probably not going to end up marrying a virgin and I learned to accept and even appreciate that my partners had sexual histories.
To those who insist that your sexual relationship with "Michael" will end badly I can only say that many, many love relationships end badly, too. Is that a reason to not get into one?
To those who say that your relationship with Michael will prevent you from finding the love you want with someone else I can only admonish them to speak for themselves.
And to those who judge you and call you names I can only say... well, it isn't worth a response, actually.
Murder is wrong. Stealing is wrong. Lying is wrong. Having sex with a willing, sane, available adult partner is not wrong. | |
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| he's just a sex partner..is that wrong?
Posted: 10/23/2007 3:39:59 AM | 8th inch bend said """"First, anyone reading this forum looking to establish a quality relationship will run away from you at warp speed. I do not intend any harm, but you must consider how a man would feel reading this. Not everyone is as disregarding about sex as you claim to be""""
Dude, speak for yourself.
Do you really "...not imagine anyone reading your profile wondering....(if you are bipolar )". You mean for all your knowledge of depression and bipolar, you couldn't imagine one person not imagining that, not one? Wow. Have we discovered the new Nostradomus? I think of all the goofballs on this site who think they know what they are talking about, YOU will no doubt be Octobers Brown Finger Trophy winner!
Flirtgirl: "First of all.. Im new to these forums.. what the hell is OP you all keep referring too... and" Well flirtgirl, I may have lost my know it all title to 1/8in dick, but now I have some carefree time in the evenings to share my passionate wisdom and relationship tools with a new woman here eager it seems for more forum experiences. Call me Dr. F.
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| he's just a sex partner..is that wrong?
Posted: 10/23/2007 4:26:04 AM | Having a sex partner is not wrong...but most of us who are comfortable with a relationship based only on sex, tend to keep it quiet...its noone elses business.
If you would learn to be discreet you wouldnt be getting this backlash from others.
Yes it would be nice if society would be more open minded...but they are not...just look at how everyone overreacted with Janet Jacksons boob shot. | |
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| he's just a sex partner..is that wrong?
Posted: 10/23/2007 4:28:01 AM |
wow....do you people even read what is written, or do you read the stuff people post afterwards....I do want a solid relationship, I do want to be in love, I have never cheated in a relationship, or had more than one partner at a time, but RIGHT NOW, I am very much single and guess what I sit home alone every night almost, I do have an occassional itch, and I do have ONE partner right now that I have the occassional moment with....not random partners, and not multiple partners, just ONE...I am 39 years old and very self supportive, but there are a few things that a woman needs from a man now and then...dont turn it into more than it is, or make me out to be something I am not....my advice to all you uptight lonely people....go find one for yourselves and relax a little....maybe your still single because your so judgemental...hmmmm ponder that one for a minute.
Well you’re encountering people who have vastly different opinions about your arrangement and if you can’t take it then don’t post your personal life in an open forum. Unless this is your first post you know how replies often don’t agree with or congratulate your actions. What you’ve received so far are opinions and thoughts that seem judgmental to you mainly because you’re not getting a lot of “you go girl..........” replies. Like it or not some have tried to help or at least provide another view of your little dilemma here but no matter how it’s presented you don’t want to hear it.
Your original post was thrown out to everyone and it seemed to ask if anyone else was experiencing your same situation---trying to find true love while having “just a sex partner”. Even if you dismiss the name callers who assume you’re committing a crime worse than murder there is some valuable thoughts expressed here. The one thought that most closely addresses your question is that whether you will admit it or not the fact you’re still involved with Michael after 18 months is and will continue to be a problem for some guys. Any guy who tells you it’s okay to date and have a sex partner on the side is either involved with someone in a similar situation or doesn’t care what you do because he’s not all that concern about you in the “true love” way.
You’ve also been described as rationalizing your sex only partner as dealing with your womanly needs and wants which means you’re defending your position in a way it seems you really did NOT want any real impressions or discussion about this. We don’t care if you do or do not find anyone or if you continue with Michael—YOU began this, we’re only sharing opinions and thoughts with you. You can call us judgmental which isn’t all wrong but what were you REALLY hoping to read here about this?
One over sight you’re making is the very guys you are trying to date seem to think you already have a boyfriend even though you think you don’t. Do you not realize how they view you is probably the reason YOU are still single? If there was nothing wrong with your arrangement IN THEIR EYES you wouldn’t be ridiculed about this---did THAT ever occur to you?
Once again I’ll agree you’re completely free to do as you damn well please, screw those of us who are uptight and lonely and only out to diss you. Its YOUR life and this is your post----we’re only commenting here, we didn’t know it was your way or no way!
One day you’ll find yourself in a situations reversed deal and suddenly this will all make more sense to you---but then again perhaps not. We’re all very capable of fooling ourselves, sometimes for years at a time, some even for their whole life-----you’re headed in one of those directions now.
Also, keep THIS in mind:
Real me says:
To those who say that your relationship with Michael will prevent you from finding the love you want with someone else I can only admonish them to speak for themselves.
Maybe some of us have indeed been there, done that and are only offering our advice based upon experience----on either side. If this is NOT true why haven’t you been able to convince these guys judging or ridiculing you its not that big a deal???
Now, YOU ponder THAT Ms StillSingleButHaveMichaelAnyway! | |
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| he's just a sex partner..is that wrong?
Posted: 10/23/2007 4:33:26 AM | | you're fine with me and what you're doing. When I was younger before my ex. I had a best friend who was my FB. We were both clean, never had to worry about std's But if we went out with our group of friends and he showed any interest in another lady, or I in a guy, we ended it right there. Usually the guy I'd get involved with became friends with my friend and it was all good. Just because the other guy would know and usually understand. If you're going to have sex with another guy just for sex. Make sure the guy is clean and then you know it's safer than just hopping bed to bed. I stayed faithful in my marriage also. | |
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| he's just a sex partner..is that wrong?
Posted: 10/23/2007 6:44:00 AM | OP,
There's nothing wrong with what you're doing. I had the same situation myself in my early 20's. When I finally did settle into a relationship with someone else, I had no problem whatsoever with being faithful and monogamous to him.
I think there's a double standard when it comes to this kind of thing---if you were a guy, I have a feeling that a lot of people wouldn't have as big a problem with it. But since you're a girl, most of the people will label you negatively or look down on you.
You're just honest about who you are and what you are doing right now. I don't get the feeling that you're saying that this is the best or the most ideal situation, but it works for you, and it isn't anyone else's place to judge.
I do have to warn you, though--this kind of situation does leave you empty after a while, which is exactly why I don't do it anymore. But I never look down on those who do. As long as no one gets hurt, and you are careful about your health and safety. | |
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| he's just a sex partner..is that wrong?
Posted: 10/23/2007 6:57:15 AM | | OP, I consider myself to be somewhat of an old Fa$#t(fairly conservative,very monogamous) and I don't have any issues with what you are doing. As others have point out what goes on between to consenting adults is not any of my business or anything I need to pass judgment on. One from where I sit,yes its just me, I think I could convince myself that it was only sex, but I gotta feeling sooner or later I would start to feel some emotions about my partner. And thats where the trouble would begin. | |
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