| SHOULD HUGE FINANCIAL DEBT BE A DEAL BREAKER?
Posted: 10/22/2007 5:40:39 PM | There are a few responses that should be commended. People who realize that it MIGHT be a problem,but also understand that problems have SOLUTIONS are giving good advice.
I think you could assemble a plan,TOGETHER,and give yourself a set amount of time after the plan is put into action to see:
1) If he is serious about executing the plan
2) You are serious about whatever YOUR role is in helping.
You are NOT responsible for the debt,but that IS a big chunk of change and I think to some extent it might be hanging over his head. By supporting and cheering him on you will be a better person.
On the other hand: How did he accumulate the debt? Was he not dedicated to his studies? Did he repeat courses/semesters? Did he spend education funding on non-educational items?
If MOST of the debt is linked to educational expenses,then you can't really FAULT him for it. But if he was flunking out and going way over-budget... | |
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svj
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Joined: 9/15/2007
Msg: 29 | |
| SHOULD HUGE FINANCIAL DEBT BE A DEAL BREAKER?
Posted: 10/22/2007 5:57:23 PM | OP, kind of sounds like you're asking for a permission slip to give this guy the boot.
If you're worried about whether it's a shallow thing to do or not, allow me to phrase it like this... putting things into an arm's length context often helps.
Your answer should be the same one you would give to a guy who asks the following question:
"I've been seeing this girl for a year now, but in that year, she's put on 100lbs! We used to go at it like a pair of crazed rabbits! And now, I can barely look at her in the buff. I don't know what to do... I still think she's great, but I'm not getting what I need in the relationship! I need advice... do you think this is a dealbreaker?"
Hope that helps. | |
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| SHOULD HUGE FINANCIAL DEBT BE A DEAL BREAKER?
Posted: 10/22/2007 6:02:33 PM | He made himself a slave to debt.............been there done that in the 80's . I paid for it in the 90's and am freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee..... It was like a ball & chain.  | |
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| SHOULD HUGE FINANCIAL DEBT BE A DEAL BREAKER?
Posted: 10/22/2007 6:14:04 PM | | Their debt is completely normal. And he has a good job. There are things you two can do that don't cost much money or any money at all. Money doesn't buy happiness. Remember that ? And if this is the real deal.. And you two are together for a long time, I think you could look passed the money issue, especially since he won't be in debt forever. :p | |
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svj
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Joined: 9/15/2007
Msg: 34 | |
| SHOULD HUGE FINANCIAL DEBT BE A DEAL BREAKER?
Posted: 10/22/2007 6:43:15 PM |
Their debt is completely normal. And he has a good job. There are things you two can do that don't cost much money or any money at all. Money doesn't buy happiness. Remember that ? That poster is sooooo broke...  | |
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| SHOULD HUGE FINANCIAL DEBT BE A DEAL BREAKER?
Posted: 10/22/2007 7:01:38 PM | It's not a dealbreaker for me, but make no mistake, I wouldn't marry into it or feel it was my place to dig him out of it. Just like my problems and/or debt are my problem, it's the same vice versa.
Yes, what I wanted to do I would have to do either with friends, alone, or just shelf until he got himself back on his feet. I'd just date him at his financial level until things changed, and bank the difference. But if I really loved the guy, I wouldn't care what we did...
For me love and money don't mix - I wouldn't share anything, profit or loss. I think both should contribute and it should be somewhat equal in order to avoid issues. | |
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| SHOULD HUGE FINANCIAL DEBT BE A DEAL BREAKER?
Posted: 10/22/2007 7:13:47 PM | Yes, it would be a deal breaker for me, I am not getting any younger,so 16 years is too much debt. I own my own home and saved for the "rainy days" that real estate brings.
I don't need anyone that is rich by any means, but would like them to be comfortable in the senior years. For many years I worked 50 or 60 hours a week and paid my way thru college as well as the purchase of my home. I would really like to enjoy retirement in the next few years.
I do agree with the others that recommend he seek credit counseling , as if he has a good stable job he should be able to live a little too. This doesn't mean living and buying on credit cards, please.
Good Luck in your decision. | |
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| SHOULD HUGE FINANCIAL DEBT BE A DEAL BREAKER?
Posted: 10/22/2007 7:24:25 PM | I think it depends on the situation.
Obviously if someone has a 200K debt plus the vig to a loan shark because they are a compulsive gambler, then it's time to run as fast as possible.
Sounds like the person spent the 200K to invest in an education that hopefully will pay off bigger dividends down the road. I think you do have to watch how the person treats the debt. Are they consumed by it? Do they act irresponsibly? Are they using the education they got to the fullest that caused the debt in the first place?
If I found real love, the one in a million shot. The Hail Mary pass that scored in the end zone. The diamond in the proverbial rough. Then I wouldn't worry about the money. I mean you could find a guy who is debt free then you both run into some bad luck and rough life circumstances and be in the hole 200K before you know it. Flip it on the other shoe, if you got laid off and it was hard to find work and your health went to crap and you incurred 200K in medical bills and assorted debt from basic hand to mouth survival, would you want him to kick your ass to the curb?
Love is pretty simple. Relationships are the tedious drawn out messes. If you really love the guy and he's trying do right by you and he's your one in a million shot and he will stand by you no matter what, 200K is a bargain. But maybe it's not to you.
Before you make a decision, I'd go see a financial planner together with him and see if you can find some kind of middle ground that includes some basic quality of life in the mix.
The real answer is you don't really love him. If you did, you'd find a way to make this work and say, "I'm going to find a way to make this work" The debt could be 1 dollar, it could be a million dollars, if you loved him enough to want to see the long haul, you would find a way to make it work. I wouldn't feel sorry for him if you left right now, but I'd feel sorry for you both if you stayed. I wouldn't want to be with someone who placed a 200K Mendoza line on their conditional love. I wouldn't want to stay with someone who had to debate the issue to be with me.
Everyone you meet is going to have something you don't want to deal with in a relationship. If it's not 200K with the next guy, it might be abusive parents in his background. If it's not abusive parents, he might be a workaholic. There are worse things in the world than 200K in debt, but you won't see that until this guy is long gone and with someone else besides you. | |
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| SHOULD HUGE FINANCIAL DEBT BE A DEAL BREAKER?
Posted: 10/22/2007 8:13:33 PM | oodles of noodles
At least your guy has a plan to have 'em paid off in sixteen years. My exboyfriend's plan is to keep deferring the payments because he said whatever he owes after twenty five years, they don't collect. lol, lovely... Take heart, he is strongly mistaken LOL, student loans are due FOREVER, and yes, they can even garnish social security to get them paid off. | |
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| SHOULD HUGE FINANCIAL DEBT BE A DEAL BREAKER?
Posted: 10/22/2007 8:28:57 PM | | I have to differ with Carolann. Don't know why anyone would call a student loan or a mortgage (if you can make the payments) stupidity. It's just a reality. Roughly 1 in 4 of my friends from graduate school owed more than $100k in student loans when we finished, and that was 15 years ago. $200k sounds like a lot, but it's not unheard of. | |
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| SHOULD HUGE FINANCIAL DEBT BE A DEAL BREAKER?
Posted: 10/22/2007 11:14:01 PM | It depends on where that financial debt comes from.
If it is from educational expenses then it really shouldn't be a big deal.
If it comes from spending beyond one's means for the big toys and to keep up with the mythical Jones' family then its another thing.
Living within your means doesn't have to preclude date night or eating out once in a while or going on trips. Everything has to be budgeted. And combining two incomes into one can be real helpful especially when you consider that living in the same house means way less expense than maintaining two households.
Sherry | |
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| SHOULD HUGE FINANCIAL DEBT BE A DEAL BREAKER?
Posted: 10/23/2007 2:30:28 AM |
Take heart, he is strongly mistaken LOL, student loans are due FOREVER, and yes, they can even garnish social security to get them paid off.
True. I knew a guy when I was in college who planned to get a place to live, a job, and a car-- then file for bankruptcy so that he wouldn't have to pay for his education. He was the type, though, who had money ONLY from loans but wouldn't stop buying shit that he didn't need. | |
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| SHOULD HUGE FINANCIAL DEBT BE A DEAL BREAKER?
Posted: 10/23/2007 5:59:45 AM |
Take heart, he is strongly mistaken LOL, student loans are due FOREVER, and yes, they can even garnish social security to get them paid off.
True. I knew a guy when I was in college who planned to get a place to live, a job, and a car-- then file for bankruptcy so that he wouldn't have to pay for his education.
It's my understanding that not even bankruptcy could eliminate student loans, (prior to the revamping of the bankruptcy laws a couple years ago, at least.) Even then, I remember hearing they got tougher, as in no more chapter 7, harder to file for, etc. | |
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| SHOULD HUGE FINANCIAL DEBT BE A DEAL BREAKER?
Posted: 10/23/2007 6:15:43 AM | re the OPost:
Hang on a minute. Let's keep things (and balance sheets) clear!
If you are in Love with him, then Eros does not care about finances. But it is not LT either. So be with him for as long Eros lasts (probably much less than the repayment period).
If you want to enter into a "deal" (word used in the OPost) of LTR, then of course, IN A DEAL, finances do make a big difference! As per advice on "deals", one better ask financial advisors, right? Because my MBA finance tell me that something is off with the calculations he or you both are making (why 20 years to repay it??? and what is the burden per month).
Of course if he got a 200,000 USD education from Harvard that is unable to get him a 100,000 per annum salary soon, then he has already overpaid and not even with cash, but with the next 20 years of his life! What did he pay all that money for? An Ivy League degree in History? In that case, a Historian may not make 100,000 per annum, ever, but he is for sure a very interesting person to be with!
Cannot have everything!
Find a guy who dropped out of high school and made a fortune already by 20+ in the Uni of the Streets. He will certainly not have any debts to pay. But then .... | |
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| SHOULD HUGE FINANCIAL DEBT BE A DEAL BREAKER?
Posted: 10/23/2007 6:21:58 AM | I could swear that I saw this exact same thread...I mean exact..a few months ago.
I'm pretty sure she comes back and gives his career as being something very low paying. | |
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| SHOULD HUGE FINANCIAL DEBT BE A DEAL BREAKER?
Posted: 10/23/2007 7:07:12 AM | | Thats a toughie....200K is a hell of alot of money to owe and its really never your responsibility to pay someone elses debts, You've got to take a long hard look at him and ask yourself is he worth it? If you love him then im sure it is to you right now but in 16 years minimum would you be living the kind of lifestyle you envisioned for yourself if you stayed with this person? | |
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| SHOULD HUGE FINANCIAL DEBT BE A DEAL BREAKER?
Posted: 10/23/2007 7:18:11 AM | OP i was in a very simular possition myself in 2004..3 months away from marrying my ex i found out he had a large debt. It wasn't a student debt though and not quite as large as the one you refer to. I made the decision to go ahead and marry him, because i loved him. It should have worked out ok and would have...except for he kept adding and adding to the debt and was thenm involving me (and my 2 kids by a previous marriage) in his bad money management and spendaholic ways. We have split up now and i manage my finances so much better without him.
I guess you need to decide if he is serious about paying off his debt and wont get himself into more debt. If you love someone and they love you and are willing to show their love by wanting to make things easier, then there is no reason why it wouldn't work.
Materialistic things in life are not important and as long as you both can afford the basics , then you will be just fine.
Would you rather be stuck in with someone you love or living the high life, but going home to an empty home? | |
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