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| Love: Something that happens to you, or something you do?
Posted: 10/23/2007 4:14:59 PM | | I'm not sure that love is something that "happens", but what we can control is our emotions to love. How we react towards love, do we love with an open heart and open mind. We have to feel good about ourselves, our lives, before we can be in love and have a successful relationship. | |
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Alzena
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Joined: 6/12/2007
Msg: 28 | |
| Love: Something that happens to you, or something you do?
Posted: 10/23/2007 6:44:46 PM | Fallin gin love is an unconsious decission... thus the fall... When we fall in love we are dealing with projection. We are not in love the the person, but with our own desires and fantsy. The projection of what we would love that person to be. It is a lvoe that is deaf, dumb, blind and retarded...for the first year you don't even know his feet stink.
This is why this kind of lvoe rarely works...
This touchly feely wonder drug is a poison... it wears off, you wake up and find you have nothing in common with the person...
Choosing to love is a differntly story. We know his feet stink but we choose to overlook it because he has other great qualities. This love is action rather than feeling. You do what is good for the other person This may even involve walking away....
I am not sure we can really even choose who to love. You may meet some one who has every quality on your list and there is no chemisty... Or, you may feel whoozy with some one who is quite differnt than what you immagine on your list...
The people with the lists scare me... I think most of them are afraid to really live and are control freaks..
I just want to meet someone who makes me happy to wake up in the morning and look forward to more adventure in life... | |
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| Love: Something that happens to you, or something you do?
Posted: 10/24/2007 3:00:44 AM | Awww, the love word scares so many yet its meaning is, :a deep affection for; which takes a bit of work achieving the goal to love in the first place.
I have to disagree with some of the above writers that attraction is a part of the process. Because love has no sexuality, its a given not with looks but with the charactor and spirit of a person. Lets face it, if blind, we all would be judging on charactor. The question is not how they look but how you feel around them.
I've been loved and have loved well in return and continue to do so with the intention to achieve it. Regardless if its a committed relationship or a casual one, love is love, regardless of where it ends up.
In my twenties I've learned that even if I made it to sixty five years, in days its only 25550 days and thats if I didnt get hit by a big bus before hand. Deciding never to procrastinate, I've learned to love freely openly and willingly. Intimacy is a whole other subject yet when I love, the intimacy follows, empathy or understanding was always the start.
Life is good. Love is good. Sharing it all is even better. | |
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| Love: Something that happens to you, or something you do?
Posted: 10/24/2007 3:28:54 AM |
I have to disagree with some of the above writers that attraction is a part of the process. Because love has no sexuality, its a given not with looks but with the charactor and spirit of a person. Lets face it, if blind, we all would be judging on charactor. The question is not how they look but how you feel around them.
By definition, "romantic love" includes sexual attraction, as distinguished from love of child or friendship, etc.. To deny that there is a sexual component to it, that is emotional, rather than logical, is one of those "forum things", where people theorize about what seems the "right thing" to do, but runs counter to the real life experience of anyone who has ever been "in love".
Referencing the OP, she can't choose to have romantic love for a man, who turns her off. One can not "choose" to "fall in love" in a romantic way. One can "choose" to be friends, and one can choose to respond to that initial "love feeling" based on attraction is something worth working towards developing a long term friendship to go with it. | |
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| Love: Something that happens to you, or something you do?
Posted: 10/24/2007 4:05:50 AM | When you write love is a given not with looks but with the character and spirit of a person, I think you have hit on something that I tried to say in another post. I have two friends who are overweight. And they have happy marriages and their husbands would be lost without them. And both husbands are not overweight and are good looking! Why? Because those two women are two of the most beautiful people I have ever met. Kind, loving, fun to be with, and yes, even sexy...........and they are fully capable of not only turning on their husbands but attracting other guys, too, just because they are such beautiful people inside!!!
Now I've never really dated someone who was VERY overweight. I've dated guys who were carrying a few extra pounds but not lots of pounds but I wouldn't say no to a guy who was overweight if his inside was terrific............
I know men will say that they have to be physically attracted which means they have to be turned on but the biggest sex organ is the brain. And sex begins in daily life not just once you get naked...........
It's just strange that over 60 % of men and women are overweight in this country and yet over and over again people post that they want thin people only........
By the way, I'm not overweight but I went through a windshield at 19 and although I didn't suffer permanent damage from it, I realized very early in my life that looks could be gone in a second.............that there had to be more to love then looks or it would never last........... | |
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| Love: Something that happens to you, or something you do?
Posted: 10/24/2007 11:48:06 AM | To msg # 25.
I agree with you. There has to be sexual attraction. However I think sexual attraction does not have to be instant and it is overrated . I think often for people if there is no instant attraction they move on and dismiss getting to know a person. I believe friendship is the basis for all good relationships but I know after a couple of months of dating the sexual attraction needs to be there in order for it to move to a different level. I think people mistake sexual attraction for lasting love and are hurt angry and disappointed when the relationship does not work out. What ever happened to courting to get to know a person? I think we all rate a few dates to get to know if we like each other and if there is a basis for lasting love under the va va voom feelings. | |
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| Love: Something that happens to you, or something you do?
Posted: 10/24/2007 12:47:51 PM | i believe love is something that happens,,however disastrous the outcome,,deciding to love someone just doesnt work,,for me at least.
certainly, once in love you can ignore their foibles, but the chemistry has to be there, or no love | |
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| Love: Something that happens to you, or something you do?
Posted: 10/24/2007 12:57:19 PM | I again have to agree with the two above me yet the one who challenges my statement has his own points as well.
Of course there are different kinds of love and I realize that lecturing on that subject for over twenty years but.......the writer of this post was talking of one kind. Again, if we were all blind, how does the attraction abtain itself into something more? That is the only question that is valid to me. So I maintain that charactor, empathy, a deep friendship of trust is the beginning key.
Now for the writer of this post, there is something missing from the elements of her relationship that she happens to need. If thats the case which I can speculate strongly on, then she does have a decision to make. Which will be hers alone without all of our help but the post was a good one.
With that said, Im attracted to many people in the past few years but did I act on it into intimacy?: No. Did I have a true affection for them? Yes. So what was it about one fella, who I had no intentions to get involved with but have? I know that he made me laugh, all the time regardless of how I was feeling, I know that he truly listened and responded to what I was saying and somehow, regardless of how I look, he makes me feel absolutely beautifull. Not occasionally, all the time. Is that love? According to this racing heart, the anticipation of hearing his voice on the the phone and the overwelming joy I feel while in his presense, I would say yes? Will we marry, or commit to each other exclusively, dont know.
Time will tell regardless if the word love is thrown in there or not. With or without a committment, its a joy to share his space at this moment without any expectations on both of our parts. I feel the same for friends of many years, I just dont have sex with them. I love chinese food too but never made a special date with candles and bath with that dish either. lol. too funny. Bottom line, love is love and its all good. | |
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| Love: Something that happens to you, or something you do?
Posted: 10/24/2007 5:52:51 PM | The chemistry part is a mystery and I think that's something that's either there or it's not.
We don't have any control over it, so it just "happens" to us.
When the chemistry is there, it's hard to be objective about whether to love this person or not. I think one wants to focus on the good stuff and ignore the bad stuff because the chemistry is so great. If one can come down to earth and focus on how the good and bad stuff balances out, I'm wondering if they could make a better conscious decision whether to focus on (love) this person or not.
For example, if you felt really great chemistry with someone and, then discovered he/she was a player, you probably would decide to not focus on (love) this person, no?  | |
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| Love: Something that happens to you, or something you do?
Posted: 10/24/2007 7:33:52 PM | To msg # 25.
I agree with you. There has to be sexual attraction. However I think sexual attraction does not have to be instant and it is overrated . I think often for people if there is no instant attraction they move on and dismiss getting to know a person. I believe friendship is the basis for all good relationships
The accumulated "wisdom" that has come to me from life experience is that the "love equation" is: friendship + sexual desire/fulfillment = romantic love.
Most of us have experience with relationships enough to know that each relationship will be skewed more heavily to one side or the other. It's either more about friendship than sexual desire, or more about sex than friendship as the initial "foundation".
Which is "more important" depends on life priorities at the time. I know that, when I was 29 and my priority was to form a family, have children, and live the "Ozzie and Harriet" life as the ideal for those children, I was looking for a "good mother" for our unborn children, and that sort of harmonious friendship as being "more important". In terms of achieving those goals, I chose well, and we were married for 19 years, and raised two very well adjusted, successful daughters. My ex and I never fought, were basically friends, and we were kind to each other. It was just borrrrrrrrrring beyond belief, and, for a variety of reasons, there was zero sexual desire for her. Still, I cherish her as the mother of our children, and value her as a good woman, and a great mom.
However, as our daughters reached their mid teens, there was very little "romantic relationship" left between my ex and I, and it had never been much, in terms of a sexual connection. With the priority no longer being what it had been, there was nothing left to the marriage. Was it a mistake? No. Life happened and things changed, though.
Now, my life isn't bad. On occasion, I would connect with a willing partner for casual friends with benefits sex, and otherwise, life was ok. The only kind of relationship that could have motivated me, was the one I found, one based on finding my "grand passion". Otherwise, I have friends, but I don't have to disrupt life to be with them, and I would never have pursued a "relationship" that wasn't strongly passionate, so much so, that it made me want to/need to, change everything about my day to day life.
So, for me, if that chemistry hadn't been overwhelming, and instantaneous, once we started seeing each other, it wouldn't have been "worth it" to pursue. | |
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| Love: Something that happens to you, or something you do?
Posted: 10/24/2007 9:03:21 PM | There has to be sexual attraction. However I think sexual attraction does not have to be instant and it is overrated . I think often for people if there is no instant attraction they move on and dismiss getting to know a person. I believe friendship is the basis for all good relationships but I know after a couple of months of dating the sexual attraction needs to be there in order for it to move to a different level.
...I will admit to not feeling any sexual attraction to a number of men to begin with, but after getting to know them a bit better, I began to feel differently towards them. Personality, mannerisms and character all made a difference and I found myself being pulled in... One of the men I speak of was a married co-worker many years ago, once I realized how deep my feelings for him were beginning to develop, I had to distance myself...it was so unexpected, certainly not a conscious decision on my part... I believe love needs to start with a friendship built on common bonds, trust and respect.
...maeflowers | |
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| Love: Something that happens to you, or something you do?
Posted: 10/24/2007 9:20:08 PM | | I agree, Maeflowers. There have been guys that weren't my "type" but once I got to know them, I would find myself feeling attracted to them and they started to look a lot more handsome then when I first met them........ | |
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| Love: Something that happens to you, or something you do?
Posted: 10/24/2007 9:26:19 PM | I choose D.) All of the above.
Love isn't a static thing. It's a living, breathing evolving creature. Sometimes it sneaks up when you aren't looking, other times it's staring you right in the face and asking you to make a decision. | |
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| Love: Something that happens to you, or something you do?
Posted: 10/24/2007 10:53:17 PM | Very wise topjack.
That's it! There are as many ways to love as there are grains of sand...even within our own selves and lifespans. What was right at 20 can be wrong at 40 and a chuckle at 60, the more we learn about ourselves, the more our passions change and evolve. | |
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| Love: Something that happens to you, or something you do?
Posted: 10/24/2007 11:24:26 PM | In my opinion, the real definition of love is that once it has been established, it is unconditional, like the love between a mother and her child. That doesn't mean it will last forever, it just feels that way while the bond is there.
In order to achieve that long term goal the most important things are a: mutual attraction b: shared interests and backgrounds c: the ability to give your partner space and not suffocate them.
Quite the tall order but it works for most people.
How we can know if we've met the right person? Well we just do. If in doubt, move on. | |
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| Love: Something that happens to you, or something you do?
Posted: 10/24/2007 11:33:16 PM | i think love is a gift of giving and not a feeling. i think it takes two to form a loving relationship. over time, one may give more than the other. it should have some reasonable balance, although each with a slightly differency emotional currency. i believe it was also covey or some other similar guru who suggested we all have our emotional bank accounts and sooner or later one gets way overdrawn.
now, i can actively love many people, but to marry and live with a man, also takes chemistry, as well as comradery and similar values. it also takes being able and willing to live with someone else and share or take turns at what one wants and the other does not.
to marry and have a sexual relationship with someone who "doesn't do it for you" in the emotional, intellectual, spiritual sense (i call it the chakra trinity) is sort of like taking friends with benefits to the limit. but to sustain chemistry or rekindle what truly started as a roaring fire, takes a variety of actions, fine tuned and perpetual. neither of you can take the fire for granted, nor expect it to never waver, nor be martyred to the lingering ashes forever. but both can share in the responsibilty of maintaining the hearth.
no chemistry, no match, no fire. | |
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| Love: Something that happens to you, or something you do?
Posted: 10/25/2007 12:15:54 PM | I think that that famous *instant* chemistry can and does happen. For whatever reasons below our level of consciousness (resembles someone we loved, family, difference from family, cultural conditioning, genetic drives, pheromones) we are able to respond nearly instantly to a total stranger. And may end up marrying them before we notice that not only do we not have a lot in common with them, we don't even much like them. Too often by then the babies are on the way, and we are stuck with our belief in promises made honestly, but way too optimistically. Most do try and muddle through. Some make it.
The other way is to go about looking for matches, blindfolded as it were: seeking out traits and personalities that make us happy. For me, spiritual bonding is necessary. That can lead to wonderful friendships, and more. It is the more that I am after. And that more can take a bit of work; time invested talking, listening, hearing what the other wants, needs, seeks. If there is a matching there, and it's mutual, and both put in the requisite time/effort, I can see no way that a great love will not take place ( in three of C. S. Lewis's four definitions of love:"Storge": love for animals or inanimate objects; "Philia", friendship; "Eros", sensual or sexual love: and "Agape", charity, or that which he seeks to define as "The Very Love"). And when that has happened, the Chemistry kicks in right on schedule. And grows, and grows.
I've done both. The latter works infinitely better for me.
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| Love: Something that happens to you, or something you do?
Posted: 10/25/2007 10:11:49 PM | hey, i vouche for the lady above this post. she knows what she is talking about!!! you rock woobetoodsday. having known love once, you will know it when you see it again. for that i am sure. you are a wise woman.  | |
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| Love: Something that happens to you, or something you do?
Posted: 10/26/2007 1:00:01 AM | For me the difference you speak of is this. "Falling in love" equals infatuation and it never lasts. "Loving" is something that can grow out of many things, including infatuation! It has been said to me that I have never been 'in love' and maybe I haven't. Maybe I am just too darn logical and the whole infatuation thing I think leads you astray. It blinds you to the faults of the other person. Now I don't mean to sound so unromantic, but I think that you need to look at a prospective partner with you eyes wide open and your heart firmly shut. At least in the beginning. Ask yourself if those little irritations that are so cute right now are the same things that are going to send you mental in 3 years time! Probably the single most important thing in a relationship is similar values. If you have similar values and you actually like the other person and treat each other with mutual respect and honesty, won't love grow anyway?
Food for thought!
Cheers, Lyn | |
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| Love: Something that happens to you, or something you do?
Posted: 10/26/2007 1:17:41 AM | | liberty1963...hmmm. i think my heart should remain open to all, it's my legs that should remain shut until i know who's knocking at my door! if there is love and trust and commitment, then "after" that becomes true and real "by something we BOTH do" , then fall, fall, fall away.... because s/he will be there to pick us up when we need it. we seem to have the thing all backwards. the wisdom to know the difference is a phrase that haunts me in everything i do and every decision that i make. but when it's a wise decision, then i can let go and let it all happen. | |
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| Love: Something that happens to you, or something you do?
Posted: 10/26/2007 8:11:02 AM | liberty, I will remember that and laugh on future dates! Most men feel that physical attraction is love. That's just the way it is. Even Wayne went home telling his friends that I was the "one" after our first date and I even said to him, "That's crazy! You don't even know me yet!" The problem to me is that men can't seem to accept that it is different for most women. And by the time a man reaches 50, he should know that ........... that's why the sex on the first date or by the third date is usually an unrealistic expectation unless you meet a woman who is into that. And not many are.
If Wayne had just tossed me away because I didn't jump into bed with him that night, we both would have missed a great relationship ....... In me at least, I feel the feelings of love evolve..........and then I choose to do things that are loving........both parts are there but just not on the first date! | |
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| Love: Something that happens to you, or something you do?
Posted: 10/26/2007 1:01:12 PM |
that's why the sex on the first date or by the third date is usually an unrealistic expectation unless you meet a woman who is into that. And not many are.
We all, to some extent, form our perspectives based on our experience. My real world experience contradicts this statement, though.
As an adult, I dated quite a bit post-divorce, and the consistent reality has been that if there is "chemistry" in person, women want to act on it, and do. The majority of first dates, the chemistry just isn't there or isn't strong, so by unspoken mutual agreement, "nothing happens" sexually. In that statement, it would be true that "most" first dates aren't sexual. However, when there is a sense of connection, it has always led to sex on a first date. It's part of why a lot of perfectly normal, emotionally healthy adults are dating in the first place, to find a "lover" as well as someone to "do stuff with".
Maybe it's just the women with whom I'm compatible enough in attitudes to make a first date in the first place, but my experience has been that not many women really want that "just someone to do stuff with" kind of relationship, and I know that's not what I'm looking for.
You can have your stereotypes, if you like, but the few women, with whom there has been chemistry, which means things were sexual, were not mindless women of "loose" values. Quite the contrary. | |
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