| Why is it most women automatically think the a child is better off with the mother vs. the father
Posted: 10/30/2007 7:13:39 PM | | ok p-tish wtf...i mean comeon....why is it the males fault...you know how many woman go out and cheat...lie...or brake up marraiges...why id it the "males" walking out...yeah i left my wife but you know what i took our child with me...your right i filed for deviroce but i had my child wiht me well i did it...so your right males do walk out but dont just act like you know everything becouse your old man walked out on you dont take it out us...i mean come on PLEASE just cause you guys carriered them for 9 mths dont mean your the only one with a bond with them...i talked to mine every night and every moring well she was still in the womb...i rubbed her every day...i read to her and i knwo alot of ppl that do...so you know know what i am sorry but take your male bashing eles were...and just becouse a child is use to something does not make it right...so they are use to a certin house ok...does that mean if they are getti8ng beat on and they are use to that it makes it ok becouse they are use to it...get your crap stright...you have good things to say alot of the times and i am not trying to have problems with you but this is over the edge... this is stright male bashing...humm i think that is all i got to say now... | |
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Pucks
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Joined: 10/14/2006
Msg: 127 | |
| Why is it most women automatically think the a child is better off with the mother vs. the father
Posted: 10/30/2007 7:20:13 PM | The system is both Canada and the US is getting better.
While there is still some bias towards fathers, that has been changing.
More and more dads are getting equal custody and in some cases sole custody.
I do not believe all women think the child is better off with the mother. I know this because my kids mom feels both parents should be involved. I also see amongst family and friends more and more joint custody situtions evolving.
Bottom line, dads are just as valuable as moms.
To the dads who do not have joint custody; there is a lot you can do about it. Right off the bat, understand, you have rights.
If your affairs are in order there is no reason why you cannot have equal custody with mom. | |
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| Why is it most women automatically think the a child is better off with the mother vs. the father
Posted: 10/30/2007 8:42:08 PM | Cheers to you,daltrouble for taking the responsibility that most men shun. I look around me,the women,don't even look my way because when they think about dating me,they only see two kids in the way of them not getting their full attention. I know I would get more dates if I didn't have my kids,that is a given. But what are dates w/o an end purpose? I mean,really,do I want a woman that doesn't want a man to fight for equal visitation? To me,the only woman I would ever want to be with would be one that respects my sacrifices for my kids. Thank goodness I already had my share in my earlier single days. Now is my time to commit to devoting time to things that will carry on for generations even after I am gone. I look at a best friend that died unexpectedly a few years ago and how he always put his son and his wife above all. Now his son will carry on that memory rather than a father who took to booze or women. My kids don't have any question about who I put first in their lives. That is my code,that is only reason for being a " real" man. | |
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| Why is it most women automatically think the a child is better off with the mother vs. the father
Posted: 10/30/2007 8:48:23 PM | ""ok p-tish wtf...i mean comeon....why is it the males fault...""
care to explain what your talking about? since i never said it was the guys fault.....
"...so your right males do walk out but dont just act like you know everything becouse your old man walked out on you dont take it out us..."
what makes you believe that he WALKED out on me? there is one post where i touch on some specifics of my situation. and just fyi, he didnt actually walk out of his own free will.
""so you know know what i am sorry but take your male bashing eles were""
what bashing?
"""get your crap stright...you have good things to say alot of the times and i am not trying to have problems with you but this is over the edge... this is stright male bashing...humm i think that is all i got to say now... ""'
IF YOU HAD BOTHERED, to actually read my posts, all of them you would know that you are totally missing my points. no where did i say automatically placing the child with either parent was the right thing. no where did i say that women were the reasonable choice.
what i did do is indicate a bond that forms between a mother and child. i never said there wasnt a bond as well that forms betwen the father and child. the thread question was "why is it that most women automatically think the child is better off with the mother V the father"
in my posts, if you read them you will see where i automatically side with either parent, i am about whats best for the children. in fact what i said was that because most situations are that the kids are with parents, it can be hugely disruptive and detrimental to remove them from one home to the other even when either/both parent can provide a loving nurturing home environment. if the children life with one parent and the other has full access, does the address really matter that much to the parent? | |
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| Why is it most women automatically think the a child is better off with the mother vs. the father
Posted: 10/30/2007 9:07:28 PM | | Thats a very good question. I'm not sure that there is an answer. I thought that times were changing and it was the parent most suited in caring for the child. I find it sad that children have to go through this in the first place. Ultimately, they are the ones who pay the price. They are the ones who constantly have to choose, no matter how easy you make it for them. I couldn't imagine not having my children. Its nice to see however that more fathers are taking an active interest in their children post divorce | |
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| Why is it most women automatically think the a child is better off with the mother vs. the father
Posted: 11/2/2007 6:41:55 PM | | i have read your post and thats why i talked about it...And to answer your questions...frist you do say that males wlak out...there are a few post stating something like this "why do the guy think they can walk out on us and then come back a little later and get there kids back." As far as your ex that was a mistake on my part i should not have gone to that part and for that i am sorry... it does shound and feel like yoru male bashing i have a wonderful bond with my child that is stonger then with her mom even thouh her mom carriered her for 9 mths and all that...she still bonded with me alot more then her mom ...there are lost of ppl that has happened with... the states for all they all want to help but they are sooo over booked with parents pulling little games and the state cant always tell which parents are the best for the child...and just becouse they stay in an andress does notmean that is the best place for the child IE; my ex-wife has lived in the same place for over 4 years...but its not the best place for her...i see your point but do you see mine...we can go back and forth all day long hell all year long and we will never win on eather part...so i call for a truce... | |
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| Why is it most women automatically think the a child is better off with the mother vs. the father
Posted: 11/2/2007 7:43:41 PM | there are a few post stating something like this "why do the guy think they can walk out on us and then come back a little later and get there kids back
right, SOMETHING sort of like that, but not quite that. which actually changes what i meant when i made the comment.
its true, that for the most part men leave first then come back wanting to "get their stuff" and fight for the kids all the while, seeming as though they expect to just come by, pick up their suff and leave without incident.
if i was actually male bashing, i would have made much harsher comments.
then you missed what i was saying about "what difference does an address make"?
the point was, that when you have full access to the children, and both parents provide stable homes, please tell me what earthly good it does for the child to uproot them simply to move them to a different address just as capable as the one you are taking them out of?
to do so would be selfish on the part of the parent. | |
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| Why is it most women automatically think the a child is better off with the mother vs. the father
Posted: 11/2/2007 7:45:35 PM | People don't change as much as we'd like to think they do; there are as many men as women who feel that way. Not saying it's right or wrong, but it does seem to be the more prevalent school of thought. Who knows, perhaps it has something to do with the woman being inclined to remain in the home, or at least in the area?
The question, I admit, brought a few questions to mind: truthfully, how many men have changed the higher percentage if their infants' diapers? gotten up for nighttime feedings? Attended scheduled well visits? Not trying to stir things up, I am truly curious, and I do believe it might provide an answer, at least for some. | |
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| Why is it most women automatically think the a child is better off with the mother vs. the father
Posted: 11/12/2007 7:06:14 AM | | goodmoring to all the readers out their.it's not who should the kids be with or not be with if you love your kids and you are the responsable adult in your relationship then you knows what is best for the kids or kid it clearly states that you and you mate had a bad deviorce and you are trying to prove a point to her or the word well just to let u know something we do not care about you and the mother we care about the kids and so thats life so keep up the good work and at the end ity will pay off i am out | |
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| Why is it most women automatically think the a child is better off with the mother vs. the father
Posted: 11/12/2007 2:09:30 PM | | Before I got divorced, I was a stay at home father for 2 years and now I am in the middle of a custody dispute. My son has some special needs and my ex never addressed them even though my son has lived with her for 4 of the last 6 months. When my son visited me last, within 5 days I had him evaluated and a entered into a school to help him along. My ex not only has done nothing to help him, she wishes him to be bounced back and forth between her location and mine (we live 10 hours away) every month or so. I provide his health insurance, a warm, rich, and diverse enviornment, and was the one who raised him, bathed him, bought his clothes, got up in the middle of the night, the whole nine yards. Motherhood is not instinctive, and a man can do just as good (or better) of job as a woman. | |
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| Why is it most women automatically think the a child is better off with the mother vs. the father
Posted: 12/4/2007 9:45:58 PM | I've had my kids for 8 years now. They're 16 and 10. Before that, I was active in my son's life, as active as anyone, even working 80-100 hours a week in grad school. And with my daughter, I was the stay-at-home dad who took her to my now-ex-wife's school so she could breast feed 3 times a day. Until my ex- disappeared for 6 weeks, ostensibly studying for Boards, but demonstrably going to bars most nights with her new friends from med school, and crashing at their houses/apartments. She didn't even fight me for the kids.
Even my ex-wife doesn't think the kids would be better off with her. She used to threaten a custody battle when she wanted things, but... {shrug} She makes 5-6 times what I do. More, really, with bonuses. She pays child support and takes the kids alternate weekends and a chunk of the summer.
HOWEVER... I've had several women tell me point blank they were sure my ex- was either a drug-abuser or institutionalized, OR I was a complete jackass who stole the kids from my ex- with expensive lawyering. And very damn few want anything to do with a man who's got kids around 90% of the time (I know, another thread, but still...)
As for why? I guess it's just a holdover from the 1950s (and earlier) where the man has nothing to do with the kids except tossing a ball around and providing $$$. Old habits die hard and all. | |
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| Why is it most women automatically think the a child is better off with the mother vs. the father
Posted: 12/4/2007 11:25:25 PM | I am a little biased to this one... My EX walked out, chasing a dream and a new lover, thankfully leaving me our three children. She may have left the marriage, but she abandoned the kids, only deciding later that it was a "bad idea". I ~know~ they are better with me than her, and the court seems to think so too, as they have at least temporarily awarded me full custody. I jump thru hoops to ~ensure~ that she gets adequite time with them. I personally don't think she should have any time with them, yet I look past that and jump thru hoops to ensure that they do get all the time they can with her... My "personal" feelings aside, she is their mom, and they need that time with her.
Yes, she did carry them for 9 months, and yes, I would be the first to agree that there is a special bond between a mom and a child, but that does not diminish the bond that is formed between a caring father and the child. I love mine more than anything in the world. I would saw my arm off and beat myself stupid with it if it meant that, even for the breifest moment, it would improve their lives. Does it make me a bad father that I am fighting to ensure they have the best and most ~stable~ life? Or would it make me a worse father to subject them to the unknowns that she is / has / will create in their lives because of some antiquated mantra that the "mom" is the caregiver. Screw that. I am a better "mom" than she could ever be.
As with anything it is the circumstances that define what is best for the child. Who is the better parent? That question is more often than not moot. What (should) matter are the tangibles like:
Who would be more apt to involve the other parent in happenings of the childs life? Who would be the one to maintain consitancy and stabilty to the children. Who has spent the most quality time with the children (not quantity)? Who is more apt to challenge them at the level they need to be. Who is more likely to treat them as individuals and not possesions?
As I said, my take is biased, but my bias is to the kids... | |
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| Why is it most women automatically think the a child is better off with the mother vs. the father
Posted: 12/5/2007 9:04:58 AM | I agree totally. I have a friend who is going through this very thing. The Mother of the child still lives with parents, goes out with different guys 3 times a week, and leaves the baby with Mom. My friend (the father) spends the time he is given taking the baby to the playground, reading to her, taking her to the zoo. Has a nice home with a beautiful bedroom for her. He is by far the best and more responsible parent, and I often wonder why the laws are the way they are. He has to keep going back to court trying to get more time with his own child.
this is far more typical then you will ever imagine,,and its done automaticly ... .i have seen this exact situation ..we all have and many times... the Canadian courts and family collections prefer this arrangement because the women will end up on welfare and cost tax payers ,its very obvious that they pay not attention to who the responsible person is and the ability to support the child ,they only look at the man as a payment and it will be possible to collect if they award her the child.
of course this is wrong and abusive but they all stick together and continue to make up reasons to encourage this sort of arangement ...its the childs big loss here but they dont see it ..poor child...those women (grand ma and daughter)will go after that mans money until he has nothing left to fight with and no home to live in ..once its gone ..they can go about with there buisness of trying to collect..pay up or you cant see her ..never ends.. | |
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| Why is it most women automatically think the a child is better off with the mother vs. the father
Posted: 12/7/2007 10:13:53 PM | The reason is because, on average, (The courts have NO business considering anything but individuals,) the mother is the bettter CARER.
The AVERAGE dad still works one and a half jobs and the mum works half a job.
They AVERAGE the same hours taking care of the household but mum spends more time with the kids and dad spends more time on home repairs.
But this is only average. Courts SHOULD consider all things on a case by case basis. All courts claim they do. Far too many do not. | |
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| Why is it most women automatically think the a child is better off with the mother vs. the father
Posted: 12/29/2007 12:03:48 PM | Im sorry to raise this issue after such a long time since someone last posted. Ive been looking for a topic like this for quite some time.
I am currently in a residential order with my ex over our 4 month old girl. My ex gave our daughter up, took her to mine and dumped all her belongings when she was 2 and a half weeks old. I gave up work so I could look after her. I also tried my damndest to get my daughters mom back in her life. I acheived this but she still came and went when she felt like it.
Now, me and my daughters mom lived together for a short while. My ex's depression got really bad back then. She would self harm and attempt suicide. At one point she even pulled a knife out on me and also she pointed a knife at her pregnant stomach. We split up in march because of all of this. Ive had to get police and paramedics to her flat because of the self harm and suicide attempts. Our relationship has been up and down all year but about a month before she gave birth, we were getting on great. When she gave birth, I was at the hospital giving her support. When she came home, I slept on her sofa so I could help. My ex got ill just after the birth so she went back into hospital for a week, our daughter stayed with her. She seemed to have difficulty bonding with our daughter and I helped as much as I could. Loads of things happened in betweeen the time she gave birth to the time she gave our daughter up. She got drunk while in charge of our baby, she rang me often saying she couldnt cope "with this ****ing baby", she went out as often as she could. Then she just gave her up. SHe said she never wanted her in the first place.
Like I said, I got her to start seeing our daughter again. She carried on living with me and my ex would take her every so often for the day, returning her later in the evening. I knew my ex's self harm was continuing but i thought she was getting better. Then one night she didnt return her. I got frantic because i thought there was something wrong. I drove over and my ex was holding our daughter and crying. My daughter looked distressed. I told my ex I had been worried and that I thought it was best that our daughter should come home now with me. My ex went mad, and threw all our daughters stuff out in the street. Later that night, I received text messages saying she had taken pills. I rang an ambulance and the police. I found out later that the police had to kick her door down so they could get to her.
After this, medical help was forced upon her. Before all this ever happened, she refused the help and there was nothing anyone could do. Now, she had mental health professionals visiting her evey day. One day, we both had a long talk. I really want my daughter to have her mom in her life so i agreed that she could see her mom again. Social services were also involved and they were happy that my daughter was with me.
Her mom still came in and out of her life but things were ok-ish.
Then about a month back something terrible happened. My ex was at a house warming party where she attempted to take her own life. She used a kitchen knife to slice open her wrist...she cut an artery. Someone tried to take the knife from her and she ended up cutting him...he ended up having surgery on his hand. He will not go against her as he is a friend of hers.
This obviously stunned me and made me wonder what would have happened if it wasnt a party my ex was at but at home with our daughter. I told my ex that she had gone way to far now and that I wasnt happy that our daughter would be entirely safe on her own with her. So, reluctantly, my ex agreed to see our daughter at my house.
My ex wanted her family to see our daughter which i wasnt happy with. My ex would have to be alone with her when she takes our daughter to and from my house. Also, I didnt trust that she would actually take her to her moms house. We agreed that my ex's mother would collect our daughter and also drop her off at 6.30pm. She was also to supervise my ex at all times. 6.30pm came and went and my daughter wasnt returned. I called my ex and she said she wanted her longer. I said she couldnt becuase she goes to sleep for the night at 7.30. 9pm came and I called the police. Finally the police enetered my ex's mothers home and came out with my daughter. This was the final straw. I went to the solicitors the following day.
We went to court a few days later to get an ex parte (done without the knowledge of the respondant) order for prohibited steps. This would prevent my ex from taking our daughter away from me. This was granted and a new hearing was ordered for the following week so my ex could respond. Because of previous talks with my ex, i thought she would only ask for regular contact. She always said that she was very happy that our daughter lived with me. We went to the 2nd hearing and I was shocked that my ex was going for residency. I was even more shocked to hear her say that ive bullied her and that I caused her to give up our daughter. She even blamed everything on post natal depression. If she has post natal depression then its just one small layer of a big cake!!! The judge told me that if I cannot prove that my ex's illness is a serious ongoing illness then I will lose my daughter to her. Courts favour women over men. Im in the process now of trying to prove all this. The court even bent over backwards and gave my ex contact every other day...supervised by me in the week and her mom on the weekend. She even saw our daughghter more than I did over christmas.
I feel the system is totally wrong. I have brought my daughter up, we have a very special bond which her mother could never have now. My ex has no maternal instinct whatsoever. Apparantly the UK is all about equal opportunities which is utter rubbish. I find this sexist, outdated and damn right dangerous. | |
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| Why is it most women automatically think the a child is better off with the mother vs. the father
Posted: 12/29/2007 12:30:48 PM | paulypaul182, it sounds like your ex is suffering from severe PPD. It's actually pretty common. 1 in 10 new mothers experience PPD to some extent. And before you blow it off as not being possible, you should google it and learn about it. Especially given the three month time frame that all of this happened in.
Unless you're saying that she was crazy before having the baby, at which point and time you've no right to be on here bi/tching about it (since you knew she was crazy and chose to procreate with her anyhow).
I have brought my daughter up, we have a very special bond which her mother could never have now.
Bull crap. Your daughter is only 4 months old (according to your post). She very well CAN bond with other adults. It's not like after a few months a child can no longer bond with anybody else.
Make sure she gets the help that she needs so she can be a mother to your daughter. It will come in handy when your daughter is older (think of puberty and how you plan on explaining periods to her). | |
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| Why is it most women automatically think the a child is better off with the mother vs. the father
Posted: 12/29/2007 12:40:27 PM | Her mother has suffered with depression, severe depression, since she was 8 years old. This is not just post natal depression, this is a hell of alot more than that. She has lied to the courts. I have every right under the sun to **** about it after what she has done to our child.
She has a bond with me, whats the point in causing more harm taking her away from me so she can start another bond with someone else, who will most likely break that and the first given opportunity. | |
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| Why is it most women automatically think the a child is better off with the mother vs. the father
Posted: 12/29/2007 12:45:45 PM | Take your daughter and run..leave the country before they can stop you and don't look back..that's what i'd do.. From what you said she sounds crazy and if you were a women talking about her ex..that's what you'd be advised to do.. or something similar to it..
PS you can both have a bond with your daughter..just because she bonds with someone else doesn't mean she is no longer bonded with you.. | |
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| Why is it most women automatically think the a child is better off with the mother vs. the father
Posted: 12/29/2007 12:51:52 PM | I couldnt leave this country. Have alot of family here.
I know my daughter can bond with just about anyone but Im talking about that special bond. You know, that bond where a baby would look for you when you arent in the room. That special smile she only gives to that special person. My ex has noticed it, so have my family. Since 2 and a half weeks, im the last face shes sees at night before she sleeps and the first she see's in the morning when she wakes up. Im the one who runs to her when she crys, Im the one who patiently nursed her better when she got a cold and wasnt feeling well. Im the one she sees most of the day. Its all about trust. Thats the bond im talking about | |
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Who else had the time when they were screwing another guy in another trailer?...jeez,just like there are women who fix their own cars,not just men...there are men that have done a great job taking care of babies.
