| |
| He doesn't see me as his girlfriend, don't know what to do now
Posted: 10/26/2007 5:41:53 AM | I'm torn on this one. You are only "dating" and you've known him only 1 month. I think you got physically involved with this man TOO soon. Just stop, take a breath, and pull back. You've talked to him and he has been completely honest by saying that he doesn't consider you a girlfriend and apparently doesn't have the same feelings for you. He likes you enough to consider you a friend and go out with occasionally. Not many men will turn down sex if they are attracted to someone and you were willing to sleep with him.
I think he has been more than clear. Quit now while you are ahead and before you develop more feelings and get yourself hurt. If he was interested in more from you he would have told you. Since he was honest enough to tell you he doesn't consider you a girlfriend, I believe he would have been honest enough to tell you he had feelings for you too.
Pull back but with your head up high and remember don't burn your bridges. | |
|
| He doesn't see me as his girlfriend, don't know what to do now
Posted: 10/26/2007 7:15:50 AM | | Dear poo lil fish, You are on the road to pain. You gave him what he was looking for, a beautiful woman and sex. He does not see what a valuable wonderful woman you are. He does not have the maturity to see what he is missing out on. Please take care of yourself, stop torturing yourself and find someone who will treasure you for the jewel you are. | |
|
| He doesn't see me as his girlfriend, don't know what to do now
Posted: 10/26/2007 7:29:40 AM | I think lots of us have been there even if we don't want to admit it. Take care of yourself and find some things to do so that you can be busy when he calls. I think your intentions were pure and it smells like he has another woman around as well.
I do believe when it is the right person there is no more "game". This guy has "game"!
I have no "game" but I am not a player. I am thinking he is!. I have to say if you are getting some good loving you might hang on(sorry prudes) till something better comes along,but I wouldn't caount on him for too much more! | |
|
| He doesn't see me as his girlfriend, don't know what to do now
Posted: 10/26/2007 10:28:09 AM | Many on this board are suggesting that the OP made the "mistake" of having sex with her guy too soon. Apparently sex in the first few weeks of a relationship automatically turns men into users and players because, you know, all men are built the same way.
Some helpful quotes:
If all you want in life is a succession of "quick flings" then by all means jump into bed without any "commitment of fidelity and exclusivity"
Right now he has basically told you that you are good enough to have sex with but he is going to continue looking for something better.
this guy either doesn't see you as girlfriend material (possibly because you slept with him too soon for him to develope any level of emotional respect for you)
When you had sex with him so early on, he didn't have time to bond with you mentally/emotionally before physically.
You fvck him WAY to soon.
STOP HAVING SEX SO FAST.
Et cetera.
By the same token, apparently, sex too soon turn many women into lovesick weaklings who can no longer think clearly. Quoting again:
Women please tell me - just why do we do it - continually - over and over without fail?
We women need to take a good hard look in the mirror and predetermine our worth prior to a great many things we do before proceeding.
We are givers! What d'ya know?!... We over give our all & in abundance to a fault perhaps
AARRGGGHHHH! When are we women gonna wake up, develop some self-esteem, and stop jumping in bed so quickly!?
I'm assuming the OP is an intelligent woman who slept with the guy because she wanted to. I see no justification for the verbal beatings others are giving her for that decision. Her having sex with her guy did not necessarily lead to the situation as it is currently. Her being her and he being him led to it. That's all.
Some ancient peoples noticed that occasionally when they would dance (out of frustration, etc.) it would rain. They concluded there was a connection between rain and their dancing and they thus concluded they could control the rain by dancing.
Many women make the same connection between sex and men's feelings about them. Apparently women are able to magically control men's feelings for them by bestowing or withholding sex.
I rarely hear men thinking along the same lines, although men seem to make the same sort of connection between doing well at golf and wearing a "lucky" shirt, etc. | |
|
| He doesn't see me as his girlfriend, don't know what to do now
Posted: 10/26/2007 12:21:20 PM | Real-Me, my concern is not so much that she had sex with this man early in the relationship; it's with her seeming to tacitly accept his regarding her as less-than-girlfriend-worthy.
When I have engaged in sexual relations with a man, I have benefitted as much as the man (well, sometimes more than others). Women have sexual needs as much as men do (although we are socialized to believe otherwise).
But when a woman is seeking a serious relationship, I believe it is a mistake to be sexually involved with a man who clearly is not on the same page--------at least not with her.
When a woman realizes the man is just not as into her as she is into him-----then she should have enough self-respect to refrain from continuing with a relationship where her emotional and attachment needs are not being met. She should not lend herself to an arrangement where she feels "second-best".
Where a man and woman are both satisfied with a casual FWB arrangement, then both win. It's when one partner wants something different from the other that problems arise.
The OP wants something different/more than her sexual partner = PROBLEM. | |
|
| He doesn't see me as his girlfriend, don't know what to do now
Posted: 10/26/2007 12:45:31 PM | | i thinkthat this is going no where for you , but down the road of been hurt and i would just walk away now, before you fall for him more. he does not make time for you when you want it is on his time and around his life . how do you know that he is not dating several people and doing the same thing? have you been to his place yet?if not then he is aPLAYER | |
|
| He doesn't see me as his girlfriend, don't know what to do now
Posted: 10/26/2007 12:49:51 PM | If i was you i would play him at his own game.It seems to me that he is seeing you when it suits him.Maybe he is seeing someone else cause he is being very secretive and only wants to see you on his terms.What i would do is cool it with him and when he wants to see you tell him you have other plans.That way you will find out if he is really interested in you as a girlfriend.Dont jump to his tune you are worth more than that. | |
|
| |
| He doesn't see me as his girlfriend, don't know what to do now
Posted: 10/26/2007 1:27:32 PM |
He is an ass. If he is having sex with you and saying your not his girlfriend then he's an ass and don't waste anymore of your time with him.
Um, they're BOTH having sex TOGETHER. He isn't forcing her, she is the one who is willingly giving it up. | |
|
| He doesn't see me as his girlfriend, don't know what to do now
Posted: 10/26/2007 1:33:40 PM | I am going to give ALL the women on here advice, that I got from several men...
MEN want what they CANT have..
They want a woman that is down to earth outside the bedroom
a Tramp in the bedroom
someone who is not clingy or nagging and at the same time keep their asses out of trouble....
I am looking for a long term relationship because I deserve it... If you and ALL women act aloof to these men, then they will chase you. This may not work for all people, but on the most part, men like a woman that challenges them, sexually and intellectually.
I have been on this dating site for a few months, and I have met quite a few of the guys on here, and what I have learned that some men are compulsive daters, always keeping their options open becasue they get into the attitidue of " I can have any women I want" because women are more emtionally attached to finding that one special man, or they are sincerely on here to find that special woman.
I am seeing a few men (not sleeping with them) right now and 95% (not alot of men but what a number) call me, text me, and when I have time, I call them back, but I am very honest with them in the beginning
Good Luck to all of you
Men and Women | |
|
| |
| He doesn't see me as his girlfriend, don't know what to do now
Posted: 10/26/2007 2:24:20 PM | bridg317 Well you are so right and i have found that out myself the hard way.Us women are way to good to let a guy use us and dump us when it suits them.I myself havent got time for players or guys that are just after sex.I have time for guys that respect themselves and everybody else.My boyfriend worships the ground i walk on and wouldnt dream of using me. So it is sure worth waiting for that special one leave the players for the players | |
|
| He doesn't see me as his girlfriend, don't know what to do now
Posted: 10/26/2007 2:43:36 PM | | Please.............this guy is married or involved - especially on weekends. He calls the shots and he knows you will be there with bells on.....for gosh sake, have some class and do NOT be available for every date he "arranges" and doesn't call in between. If you continue to be a doormat, and his toy to take down off the shelf to play with, and then put you back up on the shelf until the next playdate, he will lose interest faster than you can say "wind me up". You are old enough to know better and what game he is playing! | |
|
| here's the word
Posted: 10/26/2007 2:53:45 PM | If you want to keep seeing this guy--unfortunate, cause you're going to have to play his power game, you're going to have to start mind****ing him, because he is so clearly already doing that to you. This is all about power, fear of intimacy and control and it is sad to get in the ring with an emotional caveman, but obviously, you like having sex with him, you're tittilated by the mystery and the challenge, so on it goes.
I would say DTMFA, but you're not going to, so I'll say instead that these fearful men are not difficul to manipulate and flip the script on--they can't relate in a mature manner, so they will respond to games and power plays.
Become scarce, become elusive, become unavailable become recklessly insensitive and overly casual and make sure he worries that you are prowling for others. He will poop himself. It is all a game and all it will ever be to someone who is petrified of real intimacy. Then he will be whipped , but he will never really be yours, just manipulated, because it's pointless. | |
|
| He doesn't see me as his girlfriend, don't know what to do now
Posted: 10/26/2007 3:04:58 PM | Hi there,
I took a look at your profile, and pics and I have to tell u that u r a very smart young woman and very beautiful, and u certainly do not need to be any man's piece of ass...
You deserve a good man that will treat u with respect, and wants to come home to u at the end of the day....do not settle for less.....give that guy swift kick in the u know what and tell him to lose your number.....well, that is what I would do....I've been there once and I decided that I would never allow another man to treat me as though I was a piece of meat and that I had nothing better to do then to sit around waiting for him to call when nothing better was around.....do not give that man any more of your time....many good guys out there.....
 | |
|
svj
|
Joined: 9/15/2007
Msg: 67 | |
| He doesn't see me as his girlfriend, don't know what to do now
Posted: 10/26/2007 3:18:03 PM | Dump him.
There... I've paid my admission. Now what are we talking about?
*reads thread*
OK, now that I've actually read the OP....
(everyone in here says "Dump him" no matter what, I've noticed.)
I still say "dump him".
OP: Assuming you're not leaving any information out of your post...
You said you don't trust him.
You're creating all sorts of paranoid scenarios in your head of ways he's jerking you around. You dating Machevelli or something? Guys don't think in such complicated terms.
And the fact that:
a)didn't find out who the "guests" are,
b)you never call him, but expect him to always call you
c)you're hemming, hawing, and straining yourself over whether you should ask for an hour of his time?
All implies refusal to assert yourself in the "relationship".
It doesn't sound like you're treating him like a boyfriend...
it sounds like you're treating him like a deity.
For all those reasons, I think you should leave.
To me, it sounds like you're not secure enough in yourself to be in a relationship with this guy. You need to improve your self-image, or find yourself a doormat who won't make you jealous and paranoid by simply going about his business.
Don't worry, there's no shortage of those. They just aren't particularly sexy.
Don't assume anything.
Hint #1: Many (most?) guys would rather not talk on the phone if they can just see you in person. Phones are impersonal.
Hint #2: For all you know, his "guests" could be his kids from a previous rel'n, that he hasn't told you about, because he was self-conscious of what you'd think. | |
|
| here's the word
Posted: 10/26/2007 4:09:18 PM | God... this is just getting uglier and uglier.
MEN want what they CANT have.
As a blanket statement that is bullsh*t. It's not even worth arguing about. If it were true no one would get married and no one would stay married. Don't be silly.
women are more emtionally attached to finding that one special man
That's very, very true except when it isn't true.
Us women are way to good to let a guy use us and dump us when it suits them.
"Us women". I love it: "us women".
Hey, I'll try that: us men are way too good to let a woman pretend she isn't romantically or sexually interested in us until she's sure that we're falling in love with her and then at that time make up her mind whether she wants to stay with us or dump us.
Oh wait -- I can't make a stupid statement like that because I don't know whether all "us men" are good or not. See, I don't assume that because a person is male that he is a good person. | |
|
| here's the word
Posted: 10/26/2007 4:34:49 PM |
Become scarce, become elusive, become unavailable become recklessly insensitive and overly casual and make sure he worries that you are prowling for others. He will poop himself. It is all a game and all it will ever be to someone who is petrified of real intimacy. Then he will be whipped , but he will never really be yours, just manipulated, because it's pointless.
Yes, Kakleen. You are right on. The above tactic works everytime with these guys. But there comes a time in a womans life when she needs to ask herself, do I really want to waste my time with someone like this? "I am worthy of so much more" should be the mantra, not "let me be your back up girl." Respect yourself and the world will follow.
And OP, if a man is into you he will call, he will text/email -- whatever. He will be available to you and pursue you. No games needed. Yes, men like a challenge and want what they can't have, but eventually with genuine guys this ends in favor of beginning an authentic relationship. As far as the sleeping together too soon -- I disagree with some of the posts. At a certain age we become adults. I have seen loving relationships develop from physical relationships and so forth. Anything is possible. The result depends upon the people involved. I don't have a problem with you sleeping with him, I have a problem with his lack of follow-up and poor treatment of you. Ambivalence = Deal Breaker & the lack of weekend availability = an involved attached man. Run, don't walk away from this one. He is showing you and telling you who he is right now, listen to him, believe him. You are worthy of so much more.  | |
|
| here's the word
Posted: 10/26/2007 4:45:20 PM | What's with the advice to play games with this man?
Games are for kids. Aren't we all grown-ups here?
If this man is playing games with the OP, does that mean she should stoop to his level?
I doubt very much is he "playing" her. He just isn't interested in her beyond her sexual availability. As far as I can see, he's quite upfront about that.
Being upfront with partners has worked well for me. It certainly cut some relationships short, but what loss was that, ultimately, to me? We weren't right for each other.
My current partner and I have always been open and direct with each other. It sure has worked for us. The only games played in our relationship are in the bedroom------which, as far as I'm concerned, is the only place they belong in a relationship. | |
|
| He doesn't see me as his girlfriend, don't know what to do now
Posted: 10/26/2007 4:47:35 PM | | Unfortunately, this is typical behavior of a player and unfortunately, I have learned that they hard way. He is keeping his options open and in doing that, you are being disrespected. You need to ask yourself, what do you want and what do you deserve? I like men, but lately, I am not impressed. I am sorry, but you need to walk away. | |
|
| |
| He doesn't see me as his girlfriend, don't know what to do now
Posted: 10/26/2007 7:15:19 PM | Ummm poor littlefish, let me see if i get the gist of what you're saying?
1) you're seeing a guy , you consider a boyfriend and he's told you he doesn't see you as a girlfriend
2) you've had 8 dates with him and now you have feelings
3) you miss him terribly but he doesn't miss you in the same way
4) no communication between dates
5) you never met him on a Saturday, he's busy with guests?
6) you may not see him before he goes away for 2 weeks
7) hes says hes not cheating on you but you're not his girlfriend
By the way I have some Igloo properties for sale in the Sahara Desert I like to sell you
Are you that thick that you cant see whats happening? you're a booty call plain and simple, either accept it or move on., if you're not going to have respect for your self, why should he? | |
|
| He doesn't see me as his girlfriend, don't know what to do now
Posted: 10/26/2007 7:36:47 PM | Wow, are you dating him too?
I got soooo tired of being put on hold and feeling stupid. I 'd complain and everyone looks at me and says Your old enough to know better.... or How old are you?
I felt stupid, stupid, stupid....
Did I mention stupid? I should stamp on my forehead "stupid" for being with that guy.
I told him that I will be seeing other people. And I am!!!!!!!!!
J.
J. | |
|
| here's the word
Posted: 10/26/2007 7:46:43 PM | kakleen,
You got it all figured out at your young age. My goodness good for you. Thank you for your post full of wisdom. I'll carry that thought.
J. | |
|
Home
login 
