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| Why do you think men don't cry?
Posted: 12/27/2007 7:50:39 AM |
They just don't have a tendency to weep over the same things that women do. You mean missing the Manolo sale is not a tearjerker? | |
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| Why do you think men don't cry?
Posted: 12/27/2007 9:07:45 AM | It's nice that we have somebody to enlighten us to just when it is appropriate to cry. Perhaps we might learn exactly how many tears are proper as well as how they should leave the eyes, if leaving the eyes itself is proper. This should at least be made into a sticky here at POF that you could expand upon in order to set straight those of us who are ignorant. An appearance on Oprah cannot be too far away. And then, a book, a movie? The possibilities are staggering. Who would of thought that there is single right way to cry as well as what merits tears or that somebody would be great enough to guide those of us who are ignorant about the shedding of tears. This in of itself has made the cost of my membership at POF worthwhile. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Would pointing out that your response was overdramatic pertinent to the thread? Eh, maybe. I don't like extreme reactions to things I say either, also a bit much.
Anyway, I am not saying anything's a rule for anyone but me. I don't like excessive crying from others, and I don't do it. So at least I am fair about it. It's a turn off from either gender, and it's kinda silly. Me crying in public forces others around me into an uncomfortable position, as do people who go to pieces around me. In more serious cases like I mentioned above it makes sense, but if it's over a movie or an outfit or something like that, yeah I don't want to see it.
It's what I expect of myself, and how I react to those around me. But I'm sure I'm the only one who feels that way most women love men who cry constantly for no reason at all. Sounds delightful...are any of them even single any more? lol | |
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svj
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Joined: 9/15/2007
Msg: 229 | |
| Why do you think men don't cry?
Posted: 12/27/2007 2:53:27 PM | ^^^No, I am not real. I am words on a screen beside a picture.
I'm actually a monkey chained to a typewriter.
Now where's my freakin' banana? 
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OP's question
Two reasons:
A) Social conditioning. People (both men and women) generally lose respect for a man that crys for a reason that the observer would not, if placed in the same situation.
B) Chemistry. Due to the difference in pheremone levels in men's brains than women's, it takes the average man 9 times as long to have an emotional response to the same stimulis than the average woman. (How they measured it, I don't know... but ask yourself... how often do you see men crying in a movie theatre compared to women? 9 times sound about right?) | |
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| Why do you think men don't cry?
Posted: 12/27/2007 3:12:34 PM | | We have our tear ducts surgically removed just before our 18th birthday.. all men get it or we end up turning into those evil dreaded metrosexuals... and then think manbags are cool *shudders... | |
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| Why do you think men don't cry?
Posted: 12/27/2007 4:38:03 PM | | social conditioning and gender roles are powerful influences which define how we relate to others and our own inner emotions. men are taught that crying is weak, that manliness is equated with aloofness and detachment, that aggression is a sign of virility, they are taught that the pinacle of male sexiness is the alpha male. the alpha male was the historical ideal...strength and bravery boardering on insanity was a desireable quality in a husband, mate, and protector...it was a biological advantage, and thus social stereotypes developed around those qualities. nowadays women don't have the same need to be protected, socially and economically we are not disadvantaged or vulnerable as our historical counterparts were. it is sexy and desireable for a man to be an emotionally balanced individual...with both strengths and weakness....someone who we can hold onto, and someone we can hold, supporting and giving equally to eachother. the alpha male isn't quite so desireable anymore, problem is, he doesn't know it (or doesn't accept it) yet. | |
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| Why do you think men don't cry?
Posted: 12/27/2007 5:05:40 PM | Eeeh, Am I from a different planet here? I dont know ONE woman thats ever put a man down, or mocked him, or felt that he was less of a man because she saw him cry. Not one.
Now, I'm not a person who cries very easily, its just not the way i am.. i deal with upset by either taking action, working out a solution, or stoically keeping back tears to try and comfort others around who may be upset. Do i think I'm in any way better or stronger than the men or women who do cry? NO! not at all, i just accept that we deal with things differently,.. I dont care if a man cries at F**** Finding Nemo! It at least demonstrates to me that he has feelings and emotions and sensitivity,.. in fact i'm always glad that he's not one of those emotionless robot type men that sometimes exist amongst us. you know, the ones that walk out the door, and punch a wall, and disappear for a week, because they couldnt handle someone elses emotions. If men are conditioned not to cry, or show emotion, then i would not blame women for this, i would blame their peers, those other men who mock, and mickey take, and call the guy a p**** when he shows any emotion. I cant imagine that there are a lot of women in our Western countries, who would mock a man for showing greif, or emotion or hurt.
Jeesh! women get the bloody blame for EVERYTHING in some of these threads. DAx | |
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| Why do you think men don't cry?
Posted: 12/27/2007 5:16:15 PM | Men are biologically designed not to cry, and I'm not joking.
I watched a programme a couple of years ago that showed brainscans of the differences between men and women and they showed repeated brainscans that when men are upset and want to cry they only have one small brain area that 'lit up' - women on the other hand consistently had 3 or 4 areas that 'lit up' at the same time - I think they made them watch weepy movies.
One of the women in the experiment was a transexual who was becoming a man and they started her on the hormone therapy and scanned her brain over a period of months. She said one of the most difficult things she was finding about the therapy was she needed to cry about things and couldn't - and the brain scans showed she'd gone from her previous 4 areas to 1.
Male and female brain structure is different - which is why women can multi-task better.
I find it extremely frustrating when I can't cry when I need to. It takes me days to get in touch with my feelings - so I think a lot of times men just don't bother. And which is why 'men have more trouble getting over break-ups' - they can't access the feelings of grief quickly. I've known guys two years on from a break-up who still haven't managed to release the pain and have a good old emotional blub.
I could cry about it, I really could.
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| Why do you think men don't cry?
Posted: 12/27/2007 5:17:59 PM | I tend to agree when I hear that social conditions are to blame. But most boys, I included are raised not to cry. If we are conditioned to cry, its to get a whipping. Although, I've been to the point of tears before, and not taken any crap over it before.
However, some men tear up out of anger, others just aren't so emotional. Its rare for me to cry unless something hits me just right then I'll have tears streaming down my face. I've been told I'm a freak for not crying very much.
I know women are not to blame for this. But when you're raised not to cry because of some old fashioned standard, its kind of hard to break that line of thinking when thats all you've ever been accustomed to. | |
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| Why do you think men don't cry?
Posted: 12/27/2007 5:52:55 PM | Rent a copy of Brian's Song, and if that won't bring a tear to his eye, probably not much else will either.
I think there are some top 10 lists of sad movies for guys out there if you do a search. | |
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| Why do you think men don't cry?
Posted: 12/27/2007 5:53:25 PM | Actually, and interestingly enough, the ONLY derogatory remark made on this page about men crying was made by a man, and NOT a woman. I've noticed the same trend on other threads also...men calling other men derogatory names for being different than them...for being "feely feely" as they call it...telling them to grow a pair, or that they're pus*sy whipped.
On one particular thread, I remember this 23 or 26 year old guy being totally flamed by a bunch of older and bitter men...and I remember feeling so sorry for that young man, thinking that could be my son. These are guys he's supposed to look up to and they're telling him he has no balls....that he's nothing...that he's dirt...that he's not a "real" man...and I remember losing a little bit
of my faith in humanity the night I read those words.
Contrary to popular belief, my heart bleeds for anyone who's suffering from an injustice, REGARDLESS of their gender...man, woman, or child....it's all the same to me.
I also have NEVER met one woman...not one single one....and I work in a hospital that is largely populated by female workers and I'm close with a lot of them....that has ever put a man down for crying....NOT ONE!
The way these questions are asked on the forums makes me think that *some* people still live in caves for goodness sake. Sometimes I wonder if some of the threads on the forums are created for the sole purpose as to create more division between the sexes...or as an excuse to bash an entire gender....or to put the blame on someone or something else other than where it should be....it certainly looks that way to me....in my opinion anyway.
In *my* opinion, the answer to this question is easy and quite simple....some men cry easily......some women cry easily....some men cry sometimes....some women cry sometimes....some men cry rarely....some women cry rarely.....some men never cry...some women never cry....and THAT is all there is to it!!! We are ALL different and each one of us is perfect just the way we are... there's room for ALL of us here...the criers, the stoics and everybody in between!
Rant off/ 
Love and peace to all:)
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| Why do you think men don't cry?
Posted: 12/27/2007 5:57:40 PM | heh, have you ever had a conversation with someone while they cried? They get all teary and red faced and incomprehensible.
It's simply a matter of timing. Crying can be done later. In the washroom with the door locked and a towel to muffle the sounds.
See, if no-one observes the crying, then it is like he is crying and, this is the important part, not crying at the same time. Therefore it can be said without lying that the man did not in actual fact cry, although the possibility is there.
if necessary, a man is allowed to shed one single tear in public. This tear is subject to review and must be accounted for, ie dog dying, truck dying, wife leaving, impotence.
really, though, isn't it just another emotional weapon?
I like to think that I have enough control to not break down completely, and instead deal with it healthily and in good time.
By going to the gym, not crying. Take yer dang balls out of your purse. | |
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| Why do you think men don't cry?
Posted: 12/27/2007 6:15:43 PM | | ^^^^ And that, is exactly what myself and Old Soul were talking about. is that a woman saying those things? No. Surprise, surprise, its a man,.. one of those cowardly pack animals that turn on what they perceive as the Omega male in the pack to destroy him, because they fear if they dont, then the attention of the bullies in the pack will be turned on him, and he'll be the one tore to peices,.. and some people believe we're evolving? ba hahahahah DAx | |
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| Why do you think men don't cry?
Posted: 12/27/2007 6:35:29 PM | actually, I call hypocrisy on your statement. First you say everbody is equal, and then you point out what villanous brutes men are. How can you say you've never heard a girl put a guy down for crying. It never happens, just like male abuse never happens, a woman would never hit a man! I actually got the "balls in the purse" bit from a girl.
Prehaps, also, the fact that you work in a hospital, oldsoul, a place full of people in extreme stress, and that nurses and hospital staff are expected to maintain a certain professional decorum (not to mention no doubt having empathy with the people who are seriously injured and experiencing tradgedy) might create a certain bias in using it as a reference here for human behaviour of ALL MEN and ALL WOMEN? I suppose that I should have realized that this was going to be a forum open to sexism by the very nature of the beginning question "Why do Men not Cry", but I thought the discussion about it could be relatively objective instead of invoking absolutes. 'o course my playful little rant there had to draw a personalized attack by the Devils Advocate (hah, nice play into the sentence there namy mcnamers.) Personalized because it attacked all man, one of which I am.
Anyways, what I wrote down and tried to say was that a man can cry, but it's a bit tacky to do it in public or to elicit pity to win an argument. Sometimes a man can't help but cry, that's why guys wear sunglasses at funerals even though they're indoors. We're taught not to make a show of it, and quite frankly I think it would be better for women to learn that lesson too. Not to say that many don't, or that many men don't.
But I'd rather be able to cope with the situation first. I do think that crying during a conversation is emotional blackmail, and that if you're that emotional then you should wait until you can calm down and talk about it. That's the wonderful thing about being a person, you can choose not to engage in hysterics and become just another problem. I have met both men and women who do this, and it amazes me that it can be defended. It's as tacky as seeing someone have a screaming match with curses and obsceneties, or describing their sex-life at full volume into a cellphone.
If a guy doesn't want to cry in public, power to him. If he does, that's just plain wrong. Girls get a pass because it's not indoctrinated into them, but I reserve my respect for the adults who act decently.
As for the balls in the purse comment, don't come crying to me about it. It was a general statement, meant to be light humored. I thought it was kind of funny. If it hurt your feelings, please let me know where I used your name. | |
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| Why do you think men don't cry?
Posted: 12/27/2007 6:46:32 PM | Chronocide,..In your opinion, crying in Public is tacky.. under all circumstances? Funerals even? Is there no level of tragedy that would excuse public tears in your book? And what a wonderfully repressive world you would like us to live in. It may surprise you to know, that people men, and women do get emotional at times, to a greater or lesser degree, tears are not always emotional blackmail,.. and as for this perfect little world you would have us live in, where people walk away till they've calmed down,.. and discuss everything rationally, and without feeling.. to my mind is colourless, passionless and cold. i think your way of operating is callous, but thats your way,.. but I will repeat, I will never condone bullies of either gender, mocking anyone for a public display of tears. You may have a way with words Chronocide,.. but your words are a method of control, because sometimes, words are used to hurt, and to repress others individuality. if you want to maintain your stiff upper lip, that is your perogative,.. i will not mock you for it, just dont mock others who choose to express themselves differently than you do.
And yes, mr clever**** if you're offended, you have every right to be, because i have called you by name specifically. But, i'm sure you wont cry about it right? Well, in this instance, neither shall I. DAx | |
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| Why do you think men don't cry?
Posted: 12/28/2007 1:28:42 AM | Men cry plenty.
You people (of either gender) saying it's weak for a man to cry are the weak ones. I have cried lots of times in my life. First and foremost, I've cried while laughing if something was *REALLY* funny. That's the best type. I've cried the sad way lots though, sometimes at night, sometimes just for a sad movie. Forest Gump comes to mind. These moments are few & far between but it happens and it's as normal as anything. | |
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| Why do you think men don't cry?
Posted: 12/28/2007 3:27:57 AM | | Men do cry hun. I guess alot of the crying is weak opinions come from how they are raised but iv seen some very masculine men cry and i didn't see it as weakness at all | |
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| Why do you think men don't cry?
Posted: 12/28/2007 3:28:38 AM | | Men do cry hun. I guess alot of the crying is weak opinions come from how they are raised but iv seen some very masculine men cry and i didn't see it as weakness at all | |
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| Why do you think men don't cry?
Posted: 12/28/2007 5:11:25 AM | DAx, much as I LOVE your witty sarcasm (and I really do), I do have to call you on one minor point:
"I cant imagine that there are a lot of women in our Western countries, who would mock a man for showing grief, or emotion or hurt."
To paraphrase another of your comments: "sheesh, men get the blame for EVERYTHING" around here....
Assuming you've got the time and patience (and for a string like this, it takes a lot), you need to go back and read ALL of the women's entries, again. There are a number of them that back, consciously or otherwise, the "accepted" idea that crying=weakness (in men), and at least two women that state it outright, with the usual, biting, "it's obvious" sort of humor that is used to put down the "inferiors" in any society.
Cripes, this is getting too long for one simple point.... I'm not disagreeing with a word you said (o contraire!), but only adding that societal bias tends to be perpetuated by ALL members of the society.
Just ask any man whose mother, girlfriend, or wife told him "big boys don't cry", or something to that effect. Or for that matter, ask his sister, who was probably told by the same women that "boys don't like smart girls" more times than she could count (or stomach). It's like a damned urban legend, or religious mythology-- once it gets generally accepted, almost everybody reinforces it.
Flame-on, DAx!  | |
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| Why do you think men don't cry?
Posted: 12/28/2007 5:46:08 AM | I think you're trying to equate the symptom as the cause. Crying EXPRESSES "vunerability", it isn't the cause of it. Granted, men have generally been more conditioned not to express "vunerability" ...or weakness for another term. Being "vunerable", meaning having the ability to be hurt is NOT a weakness. Being overly sensitive to the point that everything, or MANY things "hurt" you is a sign that perhaps you're not quite as stable as one would expect a functioning adult to be.
I am a female who most people would say.....does NOT cry. Not true. I just don't cry in public. But I will admit that I find it very uncomfortable if faced with a situation where a man is crying....other than the death of a loved one, or in the initial moments following some crisis. I do not however find it that uncomfortable to see a woman cry. I just....I guess, instinctively know that comforting is required. One of the very early posts indicated that men and women handle their emotions in DIFFERENT ways, and I must concur. I don't however think that ALL men are emotionally stronger than ALL women.
ArtofDave states:
But most boys, I included are raised not to cry. If we are conditioned to cry, its to get a whipping. Although, I've been to the point of tears before, and not taken any crap over it before. I think there's a valid point here. As a child, when I was punished....IF I cried....I was told that I'd be given "something to cry about"! It had nothing to do with gender....I just learned quickly that if I wanted the pain to stop, I'd better buck up and not let them know I was being impressed by the abuse.
I've been told I'm a freak for not crying very much. When society tells a male this, just imagine how freakish we women who don't cry much must seem to them! Having long ago stopped worrying WHAT society thinks, I don't think too much anymore about "why" I don't cry when others expect me to. At my daughter's funeral last year, I don't think I cried. I stood there at her coffin for 2 days, greeted hundreds of tearful people, and before the lid was closed, I kissed her goodbye. Tears would NOT change anything, and I knew that it was MY strength that others were looking to to find their own. THIS is why I believe that MOST men do not cry (publically). They understand that no matter how they are personally feeling, that they have others who are depending on them, who are looking TO THEM for the strength needed to get through a crisis situation. It personally bothers me that anyone would criticize a man for showing strength....or a woman either for that matter. Tears are only ONE symptom of expressing vunerability and deep hurt. To insist that EVERYONE must express these emotions in the SAME way is petty and insensitive. | |
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| Why do you think men don't cry?
Posted: 12/28/2007 5:57:00 AM | My thinking about this had to be changed I was brought up that men don't cry and It affected me to the point that I was holding my emotions in instead of letting them out in a positive way. I am in Recovery and I went through the VA Detox and SATT program here 2 years ago. I learned that a lot of my thinking can be reprogrammed into healthy ways to express my sadness and joy yes I have cried for joy too> I can think of recently when I was having difficulty with my Pain Issues I have Osteoarthritis it is very painful. and I went to my roommate just to talk I dint know why but I guess she knew I needed a hug we are best friends, I just bawled and bawled I let out a flood of tears and she told me that it was OK for men to cry and I didn't have to hold things in around her I should be comfortable around her by now we have been roommates for 7 months now. She can read my mind she said I knew something was wrong and she just let me come to her i guess. I am blessed to have such a best friend in my life and I have always respected her and I am learning to listen to her advice. IE (get back on the dating sites and stop staying home all the time).So I have continued to grow and learn new things in some ways I am like a kid relearning things, I had brain tumor surgery in June 2003 and I am still recovering from that, like relearning some things new again I am more open minded I have found out. | |
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| Why do you think men don't cry?
Posted: 12/28/2007 8:15:26 AM | Perhaps it is mainly due to the fact of how we were raised as boys. We were always told,"BIG BOYS DON'T CRY!" I know that for myself this was the idealism that I grew up with. The showing of this type of emotion was considered week and not tolerated by our fathers and grandfather and men who had influence in our lives. You can look all through history and see that this is a common trait taught to all men. For instance, the Spartans/Greeks. Their culture was one based on the warrior society. As were the Samuri of Japan. Lets not forget our military sector, which teaches men and women alike to be strong and ignore emotional and physical pain.
The idea of real men not crying is further supported/fostered by the female class when they comment how they want a man to act like a man, "ALPHA MALE," and not a girlie man or a wuss. So is it any wonder that men hide this emotion? Especially since it too is viewed as being a weakness by women as well. | |
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