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| yes or no? Friends with benefits!
Posted: 4/23/2009 2:05:53 PM | I think that most of women that oppose FOB in this thread are mistaking it for being a "f*ck buddy."
In my mind, there's no emotional attachment involved in a "F-bud" situation whereas in a TRUE FOB relationship, the two people are actually FRIENDS..which I think is an important distinction.
If you can have a successful FOB relationship...cool.
If you find that you cannot...or it's not what you want or need...then that's cool too.
It's all a personal choice. | |
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Posted: 4/23/2009 2:06:46 PM |
This is the part I'm not getting. It seems you're saying they are relationship material right before you're saying they aren't good for a committed long term relationship. What am I missing?
The "match" part.
My biggest question is, if the FWB seems to have all these qualities we want from LTR's, including the sexual and attraction component, why not make it Long Term?
They don't. Again, you seem to be overlooking the "match" part.
Could you be in a LTR with all of your friends?
Do you find all of your friends unattractive? | |
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Posted: 4/23/2009 2:16:04 PM | Nobody's "relationship material" for everyone. That has to be a given.
This is the part I'm not getting. It seems you're saying they are relationship material right before you're saying they aren't good for a committed long term relationship. What am I missing? The "match" part.
So while they are not "relationship material" for you, they may be for someone else?
Could you be in a LTR with all of your friends?
No.
Do you find all of your friends unattractive?
They are either not physically attractive to me, or I know that they are not "relationship material" for me. Yes.
I see that you are not seeking Long Term, emlamNsea, so my post was not really directed at you. Thanks for your input anyway!
I hope someone who is both supporting FWB and seeking Long Term could help me to answer my questions. | |
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| yes or no? Friends with benefits!
Posted: 4/23/2009 2:31:50 PM | Damn I have tried that but the problem is that to me friends with benefits means that I don't want the pressure of a full time boyfriend at the moment wanting to know my every move or just simply being pressured into lock in date times.
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Friends with benefits means Friendship first and sex if you can find the time...
That's pretty much a good thumbnail sketch.
You don't call your regular friends and badger them to see you/spend time with you if you know they have a busy schedule at the time. You don't worry about the friendship "progressing" to "the next level" or ask the friend "Where is this going".
Yes, I'll grant that there are probably a helluva lot of people,whether by intention or by misunderstanding the definition,who misuse the term "friend with benefits".
Friends with Benefits:
DO care about each other
DO respect each other
May very well share non sex activities/entertainment
Help each other if the need arises
Might even know each other's families and /or friends
It is NOT about a concealed or covert interaction.
If either or both FwB partners are open to dating other people, they aren't flaunting that or trying to use it as any kind of threat or leverage...you treat a FwB just the way you would treat any close friend.Do you try to hurt,embarrass, or diminish your friends? I'm not saying that you mightn't have a disagreement or difference of opinion with a friend of any kind,but I would HOPE it's handled with civility and respect.
In my opinion, the best candidate for a functional FwB is someone you find attractive, that you genuinely like , respect, and enjoy spending time with, but there's a discrepancy of philosophy, a personality conflict, or some other interpersonal disconnect that helps you to keep the thing in perspective and avoid the pitfall of getting TOO emotionally invested.
Cindy O | |
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Posted: 4/23/2009 2:33:29 PM |
So while they are not "relationship material" for you, they may be for someone else?
Of Course / Presumably. I personally cannot imagine being friends with anyone who would be unsuited for a relationship. How dysfunctional a human being do you have to be that you aren't suitable to be in a relationship with anyone?
They are either not physically attractive to me, or I know that they are not "relationship material" for me. Yes.
So the point is that it is possible to:
a) Like someone enough to be their friend
b) Find them physically attractive enough to have sex with
c) Know that a committed long term monogamous relationship between the two of you would not work
The only element missing then is a mutual agreement to have a FWB relationship. Which isn't to imply that everyone can, or should - just that as a fundamental concept it isn't rocket science.
I see that you are not seeking Long Term, emlamNsea, so my post was not really directed at you. Thanks for your input anyway!
a) That wasn't always the case, and I will be again at some point. Perhaps that is the "fundamental" problem - the ability to recognize when you / your life are not in such a state to realistically support a long term commitment monogamous relationship. It takes a certain amount of mature insight and honesty. For example....myself. I just landed in a new city, not even a week ago. I have no idea how long I will be here - it wasn't so much a "move" as a "landing spot" as I await further clear direction in regards to how the next chapter of my life might read. Now, given that, what would be the point of me entering into a committed relationship with someone who is looking for something long term and possibly quasi-marriage like, when for all I really know at this point my career could take me to the other side of the country...or the other side of the planet?
b) I thought you sought answers to your questions from someone who perhaps had a more clear grasp of the concept. If you think seeking a long term relationship has any impact on the concept itself (not your suitability for it...just the concept), then you really aren't getting it.
c) You are welcome.
Friends with benefits means Friendship first
Give the lady a gold star..... | |
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| yes or no? Friends with benefits!
Posted: 4/23/2009 2:36:55 PM | I do question one's definition of "friends" when this conversation comes up.
From experiences (both observed and personal) FWB's very rarely work out. Often one person gets too attached (even by supporters this is a recognized pitfall).
In the long run when one finds a LTR I find one of 2 things usually happen in my experience...
1) The friendship disintigrates
2) Unanswered questions can effect other relationships.
For me friendship is very important, and I wouldn't want to gamble it on the small chance it works out (at the expense of loosing a friend). The risk is too great IMO just to get my rocks off.
Perhaps they should change it to Acquaintances with Benefits? | |
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Posted: 4/23/2009 3:04:44 PM | emlamNsea, I'm going to approach some of your points out of order...
I thought you sought answers to your questions from someone who perhaps had a more clear grasp of the concept. If you think seeking a long term relationship has any impact on the concept itself (not your suitability for it...just the concept), then you really aren't getting it.
I may not have a grasp on the concept, because I do feel that the fact that I'm seeking a Long Term Relationship has everything to do with it.
So the point is that it is possible to:
a) Like someone enough to be their friend
b) Find them physically attractive enough to have sex with
c) Know that a committed long term monogamous relationship between the two of you would not work
Points a and b I understand. If I'm seeking long term, that means that point c excludes the person from my pool. They're not "relationship material" (for me). Why would I muddy the waters with their presence? How can I honestly look for a long term physical relationship when I've effectively got one?
Perhaps that is the "fundamental" problem - the ability to recognize when you / your life are not in such a state to realistically support a long term commitment monogamous relationship. It takes a certain amount of mature insight and honesty. For example....myself.[...]
I believe this is the fundamental problem - with me relating to your situation. I can see exactly why you are not in a place where you want to attempt a long term relationship. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with FWB or judging you for being in or seeking one. I just don't know how the concept can coexist with those who are currently seeking long term. Your situation is perfectly reasonable to me. Thanks again!
ladyc4, or anyone else who is seeking Long Term while in or open to FWB at the same time, can you help me with some of the questions I asked at the end of the last page? | |
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| yes or no? Friends with benefits!
Posted: 4/23/2009 3:12:16 PM | | Fun to do but makes people skeptical to do it with a stranger because of all the STDs around now. It has to be someone you really like and know well. | |
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| yes or no? Friends with benefits!
Posted: 4/23/2009 3:15:19 PM | | There is no difference between a FWB and a **** buddy. They are one and the same. I don't believe there is such a thing as a FWB. If someone likes me enough to sleep with me... then they should like me enough for the whole package. Sorry I am not just a vagina you can come visit when you can't get laid. | |
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| yes or no? Friends with benefits!
Posted: 4/23/2009 3:31:44 PM | ladyc4, you seem to be the only person on this page who is both supporting FWB while at the same time seeking Long Term. I'm not trying to pick on you, but I have some questions.
Seems I missed this post,so I'll try now to speak of MY own opinions, experiences, etc. Please do not take them as tablets of stone. My name ain't Moses.
With FB, they come over, take care of business and leave, usually after an unsuccessful night at the club. If I'm wrong, let me know.
That would be MY definition. And I would not care to be involved in such an arrangement, OR the "one night stand" thing. Those things seem very disrespectful of sexual intimacy itself, to ME. What anybody else thinks or wants to do is none or my business.
This is the part I'm not getting. It seems you're saying they are relationship material right before you're saying they aren't good for a committed long term relationship. What am I missing?
I'm saying that they are not a good LTR candidate for ME. Sometimes it's just a question of "wrong place,wrong time". And a time or 2, I started out looking at the thing as having LTR potential, but further acquaintance revealed personality,philosophical or value conflicts that didn't stand in the way of enjoying friendship and sex but would have made a LTR more of a pain in the *ss than anything. There was one guy I thought the world of(provided I wasn't spending vast amounts of time with him LOL),but had I tried to make a cohabitation/LTR out of it, I'm fairly certain I would have strangled him.
think the biggest thing to set a romantic relationship apart from any other relationship is the sexuality and the physical attraction. If you're already involved with a FWB, don't you find your desire or ability to even consider someone for a real relationship to be lacking? That was not MY experience,in fact I felt like it helped me make better decisions because the hormones weren't howling for satisfaction
At what point do you stop having sex with the FWB while pursuing a LTR? When your interest in the LTR candidate means more than having sex with the FwB.
Do you tell your potential mate about the FWB?
When I start seeing someone as having strong LTR potential, the "benefits" part is no longer in play. Do you tell potential mates all about your previous involvements?
If the potential LTR doesn't work out, do you go back to the FWB?
That would be entirely dependent upon the particulars of the situation.
Does knowing you'll have that option cause you to take the LTR less seriously I would not have that mindset. I can't speak for anybody else.
Do you maintain the "friends" part of the FWB while you're working on the LTR? That, again is a "dependent upon the particulars of the situation. Considering that FRIENDSHIP is the main ingredient, and a significant ingredient of friendship is wanting the best for each other, that would be a bridge crossed when we got there.
My biggest question is, if the FWB seems to have all these qualities we want from LTR's, including the sexual and attraction component, why not make it Long Term? Because, to me, a LTR is about so much more than sexual and attraction components. I'm looking for a rare and special chemistry,that is about WAY more than sexual attraction, for an LTR candidate. If I WANT to date and have sex, or have a FwB,why should I deprive myself totally while trying to find the guy who meets the "we've been lookin' for each other a LONG time" magic? Please understand, that for me, FwB is NOT 'casual sex'. It's just a good friendship/sex partnership that neither of us particularly wants, expects, or intends to become a LTR. I suppose it's entirely possible that we could "grow on each other",in which case an LTR might develop but there would not be efforts to MAKE that happen.
why not make it Long Term? Is it just a convenient way to have a non-monogamous relationship with less of the social stigma?
What social stigma? While monogamy is not a given and cannot be demanded, it seems like common sense would dictate that multiple FwBs, or doing ONS/FB stuff on the side would be a damn low rent thing to do. Again, a guy might feel differently about that, and were my FwB to be boinking other women, it would not be any of my business except to be very highly careful to protect my sexual health.
From experiences (both observed and personal) FWB's very rarely work out.
And define "work out"? What is it supposed to "work out" to BE? It's NOT a step in the dating/relationship/marriage or LTR progression. It's an entity unto itself. If someone finds themselves pinning dreams of "happily ever after" onto what's been understood to be FwB, it's time to step back and rethink things. And I'm not saying that FwB is something everyone should do. But it definitely is more than somebody "getting used for sex".
Cindy O | |
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| yes or no? Friends with benefits!
Posted: 4/23/2009 4:24:50 PM |
From experiences (both observed and personal) FWB's very rarely work out.
And define "work out"? What is it supposed to "work out" to BE? It's NOT a step in the dating/relationship/marriage or LTR progression. It's an entity unto itself. If someone finds themselves pinning dreams of "happily ever after" onto what's been understood to be FwB, it's time to step back and rethink things. And I'm not saying that FwB is something everyone should do. But it definitely is more than somebody "getting used for sex".
I never equated it to a step in a traditional relationship cycle (don't know where you got that from).
I did however say later in my original post that in my experience it often times leads to a lost of friendship or affects future relationships (i.e. doesn't work out). Something I would not risk in a friendship.
From your own posts you affirm that serious misunderstandings are a real consequence. Ergo (from my perspective), the addition of "benefits" in an established friendship outweigh the said possible consequences in your mind.
Oftentimes in this subject people will say "If 2 people are on the same page it's OK". The problem for ME is there's no way to be sure. If that was so easy to confirm there wouldn't be so many divorces (broken contracts and family/friend misunderstandings of any sort for that matter) - all of which come with certain preconceptions which can easily fall apart when tested.
It seems you're OK with it and as I eluded in my original post I have seen it work. The times where it has seem to be a small minority though - again something I wouldn't bet a friendship on.
My reply is for the benefit of any reader. If I knew you and your FWB personally maybe I would say the situation is a good fit FOR YOU. But, for the vast majority of people I know I wouldn't make the suggestion to proceed with a FWB. So my response would have to lean towards no on a forum.
Oh happy belated Earth (Green) Day to you too - saw it on an earlier post. | |
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| yes or no? Friends with benefits!
Posted: 4/23/2009 4:45:09 PM | | 38 pages of evidence of a world gone mad. News flash....who gives d*mn what abbreviation you care to attach to sleeping with someone you are not married to. You have all done it, are doing it, or will do it. So whether you care to call it a ONS, and FB or a FWB or even a LTR. They all equal the same d*mn thing.....You are screwing someone you are not married to for whatever reasons......everything else is B.S. So...it all boils down to one thing, You either believe sex is only for the married or not. If so, we have 35 out of 38 pages of hypocrites who think only their circumstances are special. The funny thing is.....I haven't heard anything about "Trojan" filing a chapter 7 ,even in our poor economy. Well.....let's get on with another 38 pages of meaningless rhetoric. | |
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| yes or no? Friends with benefits!
Posted: 4/23/2009 4:49:40 PM | But, for the vast majority of people I know I wouldn't make the suggestion to proceed with a FWB.
None of my responses to this thread were meant to advocate or promote FwB involvements. They CAN be a workable and valid source of friendship and a reliable,enjoyable sex partner. But it takes 2 secure, mature,emotionally stable persons to manage having one without it going wrong somewhere.
The last FwB I had, due to his lifestyle and occupation, I did not see for several months. When he came back to the area I was much too busy with a relocation to spend much time with him. I still run into him, and once in awhile he stops by the house, but I find I really don't care to re open the benefits thing.
Right now I am vastly enjoying autonomy and independence in my social life. I really didn't feel well all winter, and have been dealing with a complicated situation involving an entity that owes me a lot of money. So dating/sex/relationships just have not been a priority. I'm inclined to think that when I get back out in front of these other issues, I will probably be more interested(and better positioned) to seek the kind of LTR I would like to have. Which some people INSIST is a FwB,( because I do not care to marry, cohabit, or have the guy joined to my hip. But I do want it to be an exclusive,committed,SO type relationship. So I don't see how it can be called a FwB)
Cindy O | |
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| yes or no? Friends with benefits!
Posted: 4/23/2009 4:51:50 PM |
Cindy O : Because, to me, a LTR is about so much more than sexual and attraction components. I'm looking for a rare and special chemistry,that is about WAY more than sexual attraction, for an LTR candidate.
I agree with you on this Cindy O....What I would like to have is an LTR, but without cohabitating and without being married. The question is whether such a relationship is feasible and acceptable to both parties. I don't see why it can't, but it would take two special people I think. Does that make sense? | |
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| yes or no? Friends with benefits!
Posted: 4/23/2009 5:09:43 PM |
You either believe sex is only for the married or not.
I believe that when it comes to mature adults dealing with dating,relationships, whether to (re) marry, one's beliefs about sex are not always so easily categorized.
If you find the discussion to be "meaningless rhetoric",and you are certainly entitled to your beliefs and opinions, then why don't you go find someone to marry so you can have sex that is proper and correct according to your lights?
Cindy O | |
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| yes or no? Friends with benefits!
Posted: 4/23/2009 5:53:40 PM | | Ladyc4, Do you have a reading comprehension problem? Show me in what I wrote that expressed a belief or opinion. Slow down, read again...then see if you get the jest of it. | |
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| yes or no? Friends with benefits!
Posted: 4/23/2009 6:36:14 PM | Here we go Lady4c, I will write it a different way for you. Two consenting adults agree to have sex for reasons of their very own and to specifically to suit their individual needs under the conditions at hand......IT'S THAT SIMPLE! 38 pages of SO, BF, GF,FB, FWB, LTR, ONS.....bring you right back to sentence #2. This thread could and should have been dead in the second post. If it goes on for 500 more pages, the sum wisdom of it all can not exceed sentence #2. Now do you get my meaning?
P.S. As for my beliefs which are not important, I'm for sex period....in or out of marriage. Now excuse me, I'm going to visit another sight with more meaningfull abbreviations like GTO, 442, SS-396, GT-350, GT-500, | |
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| yes or no? Friends with benefits!
Posted: 4/23/2009 7:33:40 PM | Thanks for your responses, Cindy O. It seems like we're pretty much in line in our definitions of FB vs. FWB. Likewise with the idea that at least one half of the FWB equation is not "relationship material" for the other. A lot of your other answers make sense. Of course we can't know whether or not they are the same answers others would give to the same questions.
That was not MY experience,in fact I felt like it helped me make better decisions because the hormones weren't howling for satisfaction
I can see this. You see removing the fact that your libido is crying for attention as a way to approach a potential LTR situation more rationally. Personally, I think the opposite effect would be stronger in me. If I'm in a satisfying sexual relationship, why would I need another one? I suppose that's a to each his own situation.
When I asked if you'd tell a potential mate about the FWB, you responded:
When I start seeing someone as having strong LTR potential, the "benefits" part is no longer in play. Do you tell potential mates all about your previous involvements?
This part was actually quite important to me. I'd like to delve a little deeper into it, particularly since you didn't answer my follow-ups.
First off, yes. If asked, I will tell a potential mate about all my previous involvements. I think past relationships - the type of relationship, how long it lasted, how it ended, etc. - add to who the person is today. If it's the right person for me, I'll be honest about all of it.
Second, what if they don't ask about all previous involvements, but instead ask, "Are you single? How long have you been single?" I think that's very common in the getting-to-know-you stage. Do you answer that yes you're single, or explain the FWB? If you say you are single - because you're available, and that's the intent of the question - when asked for how long, do you back the date up to when your last LTR ended?
In general, if you're asked about or discuss past relationships, do you talk about FWB's, etc? Remember, this is the guy who potentially meets the "we've been lookin' for each other a LONG time" magic. At what point is it ok to talk about it with this guy?
I won't get more into why not choose LTR with you, you have a slightly different take than others. Some in this thread have described FWB's as everything I would describe in a perfect LTR - deep friendship, similar interests, common goals, wonderful sex, etc. I would wonder why those people don't just make it Long Term and stop looking for someone else.
Finally:
What social stigma?
I think all non-monogamous, sexual relationships have a social stigma. In fact, all non-married, sexual relationships have some. I don't think FWB is truly monogamous, simply because you still have your eyes open (if you're seeking Long Term while involved). I think it's become such a commonplace arrangement that it has less stigma than saying it any other way. | |
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| yes or no? Friends with benefits!
Posted: 4/23/2009 8:05:29 PM | if you want all types of STD'S go head and get you a fwb(friend with benefit)
but if you want a clean life with love and trust be with one partner
....marcopolo...
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| yes or no? Friends with benefits!
Posted: 4/26/2009 5:18:09 PM |
No, I'm not into that. For me, sex is the ultimate act of intimacy, and I could only sleep with a man once everythign else was in place - trust, feelings, respect, communication etc...
I agree 100%!!! | |
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| yes or no? Friends with benefits!
Posted: 4/26/2009 5:45:48 PM | | I think it's a great idea. But you have to have some thing mental going on. It's nice to have intelligent conversation. I'd settle for that. | |
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