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 m_church
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 1026
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Define "ending well"?


What does THAT mean? That it turns into "a real relationship"? That a marriage occurs?

Although some might think a LTR or a marriage was "ending well" it happens too infrequently...
No, I was referring to situations for example, where...
1... One or the other develops feelings and gets hurt when they're not reciprocated...
2... An ending of the friendship once one or both meet a new significiant other...
3... One partner tries to sabotage the other person's new relationships to try to maintain the sexual status quo...
4... One day one of them realises that time has been passing them by and they're missing opportunites because they're content with a FWB. Or even worse, subconciously sabotaging their own relationships because they know they have a FWB to fall back on...
5... Overlap...There are many of POF who advocate sex on the first date, sex by the third date etc... So, how often is there overlap between the FWB and the first night sex date that went no fiurther..? I can't see too many guys saying "Hey look, I banged this girl Friday night, but I'm not going to see her again, but we'd better not have sex for 3 months just incase I picked up an STD..." Or even simply, they screw a chick, the relationship goes no firther... but the FWB continues because they're not in a relationship...


One of the POINTS of having a FwB, is so that one has a fairly reliable,enjoyable sex partners. While there is no "rule" against it, most good FwB relationships are not out there rounding up multiple partners. Otherwise, what would be the sense?



why not just frequent certain bars on Saturday night?

Ummm generally, I think a lot of guys are frequenting bars on Saturday nights and Friday nights..... and they have their FWB for the 'off nights' during the week...
I really think most women are very naive on this point... Realistically, from what I hear from my buddies and people I've worked with, this goes on all the time... In fact, until I saw a few people on POF who thought FWB had some monogamy hook to it, I'd never heard of it being in any way remotely monogamous sex... I was surprised...
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 1027
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yes or no? Friends with benefits!
Posted: 7/25/2010 4:25:49 PM
Ummm generally, I think a lot of guys are frequenting bars on Saturday nights and Friday nights..... and they have their FWB for the 'off nights' during the week...

personally, I would call that an abuse of a friendship with benefits. You are confusing "friends with benefits" which is about BOTH the friendship and the benefits, with fcuk buddies or booty call.

1... One or the other develops feelings and gets hurt when they're not reciprocated...
and this never happens in "real" relationships-the depth and quality of feelings are unequal?
2...
An ending of the friendship once one or both meet a new significiant other...
and of course a marriage or "serious" relationship never collapsed because one of the parties fell in love with someone else. A "new" significant other? A FwB, while certainly more than a fcuk buddy, is NOT a "significant other". And this needs to be clearly understood by both people.

3...
One partner tries to sabotage the other person's new relationships to try to maintain the sexual status quo...

Oh, and that has never happened when a "real" relationship breaks up and one partner is resistant to the relationship's demise? Or , let me put it this way-would you sabotage a friend to gain some perceived benefit for yourself?

5... Overlap...There are many of POF who advocate sex on the first date, sex by the third date etc... So, how often is there overlap between the FWB and the first night sex date that went no fiurther..?
Well, I don't particularly advocate that unless that was the whole POINT of the date to begin with. How often does a first date that doesn't include sex end up being the last date? How many situations occur where there is sex on the 3rd date and then the person drops contact?
4...
One day one of them realises that time has been passing them by and they're missing opportunites because they're content with a FWB. Or even worse, subconciously sabotaging their own relationships because they know they have a FWB to fall back on...

Well, that would be the problem with the PERSON, not the FwB...and what if that's all somebody wants? Or the big confusion that seems to insist that "relationships" live under the same roof-or plan to, and any relationship that does not include present or planned cohabitation is labeled "FwB". There ARE people who don't see hipjoined 24/7 under the same roof as an "opportunity". So how can you "miss" an opportunity you didn't want anyway?
Look, done right, FwB does have it's place in the panorama of sexual/romantic/pairbonding involvement. I wish that more people who are lonely and hurting because of bereavement or breakup would involve themselves in a FwB, rather than trying to make something be a "real relationship" that they really aren't ready for.
Or suffering in silence until some external signal deems them "ready to date", and the first damn thing they do is latch onto the first thing that crosses their path, and try to FORCE a relationship into existence,because of all the pent-up loneliness and libido,

I'm certainly not promoting FwB as something that everyone can do. It's not. But it does have its' place in certain human circumstances. Often it's 2 people who enjoy one another's company, and sex with each other, but know that this situation can't be a "relationship"-maybe there are philosophical or value conflicts that would make a longterm relationship unworkable. Maybe the person just is not in a position to be developing a full-on "relationship". Maybe they have a potential life-changing situation hovering. Or maybe they are just coming out of a breakup or bereavement and should not be getting involved in a serious relationship,but who says that their only alternatives are being alone, or being in a "relationship" based on flawed emotions and judgement?
Friends with benefits-yes or no?
How about "maybe"?
Cindy O
 m_church
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 1028
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yes or no? Friends with benefits!
Posted: 7/25/2010 6:58:35 PM

personally, I would call that an abuse of a friendship with benefits. You are confusing "friends with benefits" which is about BOTH the friendship and the benefits, with fcuk buddies or booty call.

No I'm not. For a start, in truth many on here say their FWB is only intermittently sexual maybe every few weeks or months... Do you suppose those people are not getting it anywhere else...?
Also, frequenting a bar on a Friday night or Saturday night is a logical way to pursue the search for someone to form a real romantic/sexual relationship with... And since so many accept that an FWB would end upon one person meeting a new romantic partner/significant other, then an expectation of one's 'friend' pursuing that avenue, also seems logical...
As for it being an abuse of the frienship? Why would it be...? One doesn't take a friend everywhere.... nor does a friend dictate or have expectations on what one does...


and this never happens in "real" relationships-the depth and quality of feelings are unequal?

In a real relationship there is an EXPECTATION that feelings will be reciprocated.... so your counterpoint really is not valid... In an FWB, developing romantic feelings is exceeding the expectations of the relationship.


An ending of the friendship once one or both meet a new significiant other...
and of course a marriage or "serious" relationship never collapsed because one of the parties fell in love with someone else. A "new" significant other? A FwB, while certainly more than a fcuk buddy, is NOT a "significant other". And this needs to be clearly understood by both people.

It seems you misunderstood my point on this... I was not referring to the FWB partner as an SO. My point was that frequently, the 'friend' part of FWB also has to be disolved. A lot of people will not accept their significant other maintaining a relationship with a person they used to fcuk. Particularly a close frienship. I know I would not. ( I know some people will now spout that then that such a SO would not be a person they would want... Yes I'm sure... of course they would then look damned silly if they dumped a nice person for the continued 'friendship' only to be dumped by the 'friend' upon thet person respecting their own eventual SO's wishes... )

Oh, and that has never happened when a "real" relationship breaks up and one partner is resistant to the relationship's demise?

I will agree, and offer that as an excellent example as to why the 'friend' may no longer be a friend after the FWB has to be terminated due to a new SO for the other person...


Oh, and that has never happened when a "real" relationship breaks up and one partner is resistant to the relationship's demise? Or , let me put it this way-would you sabotage a friend to gain some perceived benefit for yourself?

No, I would not, but then, I don't sleep with friends so there would be no perceived benefit to me... That being said, what if the 'friend' thinks they are helping or perhaps, believe they are correct in their motives, by sabotaging the relationship...
I will concede that any friend could be guilty of this, however, a past lover who wishes to rekindle/maintain a relationship, or one who wants to become a lover is more likely to sabotage things than a platonic friend...


How many situations occur where there is sex on the 3rd date and then the person drops contact?

Judging from the threads on POF, about having sex too soon, quite frequently... not particularly the third, but certainly very early in a relationship....


So how can you "miss" an opportunity you didn't want anyway?
Well it depends on the person... Some will sit at home stagnating happily.. no reason to change and happy... Others, will go out on a Friday and Saturday night...

Look I know FWB isn't for everyone... but I really do think that many people who believe in FWB's really don't understand or know fully what they can entail...
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 1029
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yes or no? Friends with benefits!
Posted: 7/26/2010 10:41:01 AM

No I'm not. For a start, in truth many on here say their FWB is only intermittently sexual maybe every few weeks or months... Do you suppose those people are not getting it anywhere else...?
I don't suppose anything either way. My personal standard when involved with someone in a FwB, is that I don't go around fcuking other men.I may well be keeping an open mind about meeting someone with whom I could create a total package-but multiple sex partners? Ick.

Also, frequenting a bar on a Friday night or Saturday night is a logical way to pursue the search for someone to form a real romantic/sexual relationship with... And since so many accept that an FWB would end upon one person meeting a new romantic partner/significant other, then an expectation of one's 'friend' pursuing that avenue, also seems logical...
I agree with you that BOTH parties to a FwB need to understand that neither one is wearing blinders or blocking out the possibility of running across a valid candidate for the "real deal". But I think there are probably variants on the FwB theme where one(or both) of the involved parties isn't currently able to get involved in a "real" relationship, and there are those who are fine with a longterm DATING or "FwB" that is monogamous but does not aspire to become formalized by 'getting engaged", marriage, or cohabitation.
As for seeking serious romantic relationship material in bars and clubs, while not rejecting the idea, it's been my personal experience that this is more likely to be found in the course of other social, recreational or day to day activities.

A lot of people will not accept their significant other maintaining a relationship with a person they used to fcuk. Particularly a close frienship.

Well, that is one of the inherent risks of FwB. However, I would never be surprised to learn that when one person finds a "SO candidate", that the benefits stop but the person doesn't feel it's a requirement to divulge their entire past relationship/sexual history. Some will call that "dishonest", I'm sure, but others will say " the past is past and my prior sexual history is a private matter-barring offspring and/or disease."

I don't sleep with friends so there would be no perceived benefit to me...

but what about OTHER matters? What if you and a friend were both attracted to the same woman(even if it was a lesbian friend)? Or you were both trying to get the same promotion at work? What if you felt like a platonic good friend was kind of shutting you out/putting you on the back burner to spend more time/do more stuff with a NEW platonic friend? I wasn't speaking of just the "benefit" of sex.

So how can you "miss" an opportunity you didn't want anyway?

Well it depends on the person... Some will sit at home stagnating happily.. no reason to change and happy...

If a person has found a long-term and fairly stable FwB, and that's all they want, maybe they might spend Friday or Saturday night with the Fwb, OR doing something else they find more rewarding that hanging out in bars looking to get laid and/or MAYBE finding someone to have a "real relationship" with.
I have absolutely nothing against going to bars or clubs...BUT...it's been my experience that there are many other places and ways to meet candidates for serious relationships.

... but I really do think that many people who believe in FWB's really don't understand or know fully what they can entail...

But that could be just as easily said about any pair-bond relationship. If everybody fully knew and understood what MARRIAGE entails, do you reckon there'd be a 60% divorce rate?
Cindy O
 m_church
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 1030
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yes or no? Friends with benefits!
Posted: 7/26/2010 1:13:34 PM

My personal standard when involved with someone in a FwB, is that I don't go around fcuking other men.I may well be keeping an open mind about meeting someone with whom I could create a total package-but multiple sex partners? Ick.

From what I have ascertained from my FWBing buddies, they kind of expect the woman to be monogmaous even though they aren't...


However, I would never be surprised to learn that when one person finds a "SO candidate", that the benefits stop but the person doesn't feel it's a requirement to divulge their entire past relationship/sexual history. Some will call that "dishonest", I'm sure, but others will say " the past is past and my prior sexual history is a private matter-barring offspring and/or disease."

If I was dating someone and found out that their 'friend' was an ex lover, particularly a n ex FWB, I would be annoyed... I don't like to have what I need to know being decided by other people.... I had this happen with my current G/F and I was very pissed off... I was going to break up with her, and she didn't want that, so I gave her a choice, me or the ex-FWB....


What if you and a friend were both attracted to the same woman

I had to think about that.... I don't think it's ever happened to me.... How odd.... I can remember discussing with a buddy in a bar, which girl he wanted vs which one I wanted, and it was just a brief moment... and there's been times when the girl chooses your buddy over you... (but I think that's at such a casual point (just met) no one cared....)
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 1031
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yes or no? Friends with benefits!
Posted: 7/26/2010 2:12:37 PM

I can remember discussing with a buddy in a bar, which girl he wanted vs which one I wanted, and it was just a brief moment... and there's been times when the girl chooses your buddy over you...

But did you go to the girl and dish dirt on your buddy or in some way try to sabotage the attraction/her choice? My point is that FwB is as much, if not MORE, about the friendship as the benefits! and most decent people don't go around trying to sabotage aspects of their friends' lives. But, as I have long suspected, Adventures in Modern Dating is pretty much all about the weiner. That's not a complaint, it's simply an observation. For SOME people,in SOME circumstances FwBs do have a place in Adventures in Modern Dating, and there is no clause or rule I know of that says once you choose a style of romantic interaction, you are obligated to CONTINUE in that style for the rest of your life.

If I was dating someone and found out that their 'friend' was an ex lover, particularly a n ex FWB, I would be annoyed... I don't like to have what I need to know being decided by other people.... I had this happen with my current G/F and I was very pissed off... I was going to break up with her, and she didn't want that, so I gave her a choice, me or the ex-FWB....
I'd have ditched both your sorry asses and started over or just bagged the whole relationship thing for awhile. I don't like having what I need to discuss about my previous involvements and relationships dictated by other people,barring the existence of offspring diseases, or criminal proceedings/lawsuits.

From what I have ascertained from my FWBing buddies, they kind of expect the woman to be monogmaous even though they aren't...

well, there's that good ol' double standard...I certainly HOPE your FwBing friends are using condoms ALWAYS. Friends don't give friends STDs.
Cindy O
 m_church
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 1032
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yes or no? Friends with benefits!
Posted: 7/26/2010 6:22:30 PM

But did you go to the girl and dish dirt on your buddy or in some way try to sabotage the attraction/her choice?

No... I never found it a problem to get a girl, so sabotaging him to get a girl was not worth the effort... I always had the view that women are a lot like buses, if you miss this one, there's another one in half an hour... and after 9pm there may be less of them, but they're faster....


I'd have ditched both your sorry asses and started over or just bagged the whole relationship thing for awhile.

See, that's simply your opinion though... and she chose differently.... and she's happy with that choice....


well, there's that good ol' double standard...I certainly HOPE your FwBing friends are using condoms ALWAYS. Friends don't give friends STDs.

No idea... I'd bet some are, some aren't.... and complaining about a double standard does nothing to change it.... a lot of men are quite happy to believe in a double standard...
 rejectingall
Joined: 1/24/2007
Msg: 1033
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yes or no? Friends with benefits!
Posted: 7/26/2010 7:19:24 PM
Happy AIDS awareness day (the day you get it.)
Syphilus, the gift that keeps on giving.
If you got herpes and you know it FWB
Gonorrhea... spread it around.

And the list goes on...
Plenty of good reasons to NOT FWB
 06mc69
Joined: 8/31/2009
Msg: 1034
yes or no? Friends with benefits!
Posted: 7/26/2010 7:42:34 PM
I would hope that everyone would be tested and get a clean bill of health before persuing this type of relationship, or atleast use protection..
 johnsonchen
Joined: 6/23/2010
Msg: 1035
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yes or no? Friends with benefits!
Posted: 7/27/2010 12:41:13 AM
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 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 1036
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yes or no? Friends with benefits!
Posted: 7/27/2010 11:02:13 AM

Happy AIDS awareness day (the day you get it.)
Syphilus, the gift that keeps on giving.
If you got herpes and you know it FWB
Gonorrhea... spread it around.

And the list goes on...
Plenty of good reasons to NOT FWB

While not for ONE MINUTE downplaying the need to handle your sex life responsibly, what about people who get "something" from a cheating spouse or SO? What about some of these diseases that lie dormant/asymptomatic for years?
Couldn't that be called plenty of good reasons to not have sex at all,unless you both start out as absolute and total virgins and continually monitor each other(maybe have someone give you his 'n'hers private investigators as a wedding present?)
I would suspect that a lot of STDs occur due to "no strings sex", "one night stands" etc, not so much FwBs or committed relationship, but let's face it, the most certain way to avoid any risk of sexually transmitted diseases is to avoid sexual contact entirely.
Cindy O
 officegal_1
Joined: 7/25/2010
Msg: 1037
yes or no? Friends with benefits!
Posted: 7/29/2010 8:05:16 PM
FWB isn't for everybody. But it can work for some people. Both people need to be upfront about their intentions and follow any rules that were set. I had a few successful FWB relationship. I think one reason why many FWBs don't work. Is that some people will enter a FWB. Secretly hoping that it will lead to something more serious.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 1038
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yes or no? Friends with benefits!
Posted: 7/29/2010 10:04:39 PM
Once again mchurch.........you refer to these "friends" of yours that sound like
a bunch of whoredogs!
Luckily, most of us mature adults have much better friends than you do!!

I know for a fact my FWB is not bar hopping, nor is he having sex with anyone but me.
And I'm not having sex with anyone but him.

As for myself, there would never be any "overlapping" of sexual partners.
If I decide to date.......I end the benefits immediately.

And never once in my entire life have I had a FWB try to sabatoge a relationship
I've been in.
Quite the opposite actually.......they have all been very supportive and wished me
the best.
That's because they are FRIENDS.
Somehow that concept seems to elude you and your buddies.
 m_church
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 1039
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yes or no? Friends with benefits!
Posted: 7/29/2010 10:26:08 PM

Once again mchurch.........you refer to these "friends" of yours that sound like
a bunch of whoredogs!
Luckily, most of us mature adults have much better friends than you do!!

I know for a fact my FWB is not bar hopping, nor is he having sex with anyone but me.

I bet my friend's FWB's would be just as adamant about the same thing too if asked...


As for myself, there would never be any "overlapping" of sexual partners.
If I decide to date.......I end the benefits immediately.

I would hope so...
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 1040
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yes or no? Friends with benefits!
Posted: 7/29/2010 10:42:36 PM

I know for a fact my FWB is not bar hopping, nor is he having sex with anyone but me.


I bet my friend's FWB's would be just as adamant about the same thing too if asked...


It's just flat out a pity you have no understanding of what a true mature friendship
is.
Hopefully one day you'll experience it.......then maybe you'll "get it".
 Pixy Dust
Joined: 9/6/2006
Msg: 1041
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yes or no? Friends with benefits!
Posted: 7/30/2010 9:08:49 PM
I am not interested in a FWB... I guess having enough casual flings with men after my divorce I discovered that it wasn't for me... I tend to sleep with men whom I find a attraction to and then after awhile I know I would find a connection to them. I am not strong enough for a one sided affair. I want to find connection to a man... I am not looking to scratch an itch...
 m_church
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 1042
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yes or no? Friends with benefits!
Posted: 7/30/2010 10:28:23 PM

It's just flat out a pity you have no understanding of what a true mature friendship
is.

It's just a flat out pity, that you have no understanding of what men often think....
Hopefully, one day you'll realise it... then maybe you'll "get it".
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 1043
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yes or no? Friends with benefits!
Posted: 7/31/2010 2:01:46 PM
Oh, I got it.......way back in my 20's.

Luckily, we all grew up and seperated the men from the boys since then.

Just because you and your friends have no respect for women or friendships.......sure doesn't mean all men are like this.

Hell mchurch.........you down on men far more than the all the women that
are called "men haters" here!!
 musicianfriend
Joined: 7/23/2007
Msg: 1044
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yes or no? Friends with benefits!
Posted: 7/31/2010 11:52:03 PM
I wont do that.....Women having sex..usually get all tangled up and into the guy..

Sex is love..not sport..at least for me..I would never do that...FWB...
 mz taken
Joined: 11/30/2007
Msg: 1045
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yes or no? Friends with benefits!
Posted: 8/1/2010 2:56:43 AM
It never fails to amuse me the times this topic elicits the same 10/90 split of pro to con of this tired old beaten horse, no matter the year it's asked or how many people feel the need to post anew about this dark and horrible and downright nasty phenom of:
(deep booming voice)friends with benefits.....................................

does it matter what "others" do??? unless this situation knowingly falls into your life in a way to cause concern, then why expend so much emotional energy (as I seem to be doing right now *rolls eyes*) labeling what others do, why they do it, if they should do it.

is there really a rule book that outlines just when someone becomes a fwb, compared to a one-night-stand...which is self-explanatory. what sex on a second date verses a third date signifies? is there a colorful graphic chart that shows where the overlap is like on women's size charts for panty hose?

I'll tell you one thing, any lover of mine IS my friend.
 m_church
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 1046
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yes or no? Friends with benefits!
Posted: 8/1/2010 8:34:01 AM

Hell mchurch.........you down on men far more than the all the women that
are called "men haters" here!!

hahaha No.... I just point out the unpleasant truths that people would prefer to pretend don't exist...


Just because you and your friends have no respect for women or friendships.......sure doesn't mean all men are like this.

Actually, I do respect women and many of my friends do as well... the thing is, as you say, not all men are like this either....


Luckily, we all grew up and seperated the men from the boys since then.

The same could be said about separating the women from the girls...
 jezebellpgh
Joined: 2/3/2010
Msg: 1047
yes or no? Friends with benefits!
Posted: 8/3/2010 6:16:16 AM
If you go into heat like an animal, and don't want to have human emotions, like most people who have depth, go right ahead.
 Secondhand_Lion
Joined: 11/10/2008
Msg: 1048
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yes or no? Friends with benefits!
Posted: 8/15/2010 6:57:39 PM
^^^^Sounds good to me!.....just give me some benifits.....hell, we don't even need to be friends
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 1049
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yes or no? Friends with benefits!
Posted: 8/15/2010 9:43:42 PM

If you go into heat like an animal, and don't want to have human emotions, like most people who have depth, go right ahead.


says the girl with the name of Jezebell
Oh the irony
 lateā„¢
Joined: 2/1/2010
Msg: 1050
yes or no? Friends with benefits!
Posted: 8/15/2010 9:52:30 PM

yes or no? Friends with benefits!

Only if with cohabitation in a monogamous relationship.

Then, ....we're good.

Ooooooh, got one, ....never mind.
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