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| Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/28/2007 9:59:25 PM | You asked why?
That one is hard to assertain, but there is a term for it. It"s called disfunctional codependancy.
It is akin to feeding off of eachother and all the while feeding the codependancy.
To coin a phrase>>> "The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem" | |
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| Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/28/2007 10:10:21 PM | I have to agree with Sasquatch on this one--you are not going to find too much empathy in these forums.
I would argue that Prettypicky, there are *some* people on here that offer a lot of good advice, and empathy, for people. I would also argue though, that there are times when what someone needs *isn't* empathy - when a person falls overboard and is drowning, they don't need all the people on the boat sitting at the rail saying "oh, that poor soul, look at them out there drowning like that!", what they *need* is someone tossing them a life-preserver and shouting at them "grab it! grab it!".
She's already stated in her OP that she pretty much knows this relationship is not healthy, and that she should get away from it... but she's having problems doing it because of her feelings. She needs "oh you poor thing, such a sad story, I've been there too" (empathy) *far less* right now (in my mind, and from others on here) than she needs "you know the answer, do it!" (grab the life preserver you *know* is there, you know you should grab, and know will save you!). She needs *reassurance* that leaving is the right thing to do, motivation to *do* it.
The reality is, we can all be empathetic, we can all say we love you and feel for you over what the OP is going through... but all of that is pointless unless she loves *herself* enough to save herself first.
ExNavyWave, you sound like a very caring, lovely person... but you need to know in your heart that *you* are worth more than this (and you *are*). A good relationship is based around both people 'giving' to each other (partnership), and it sounds to me like you are doing all the giving, and he isn't giving in return - see him for what he is, a taker. You deserve far better than that in your life.
"I talked to the preacher of my church when my soon to be ex told me she was leaving me. He said and I quote "I'm not going to be shoulder to cry on, you don't need that What you need is unsugar coated advice". That is what he gave me. It didn't go down good but it was good advice. " <-- sounds like a very wise preacher, gmanjef. | |
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| Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/28/2007 10:25:59 PM | The reality is, we can all be empathetic, we can all say we love you and feel for you over what the OP is going through... but all of that is pointless unless she loves *herself* enough to save herself first.
Thank you for keeping me in check, Forums. You are absolutely right, especially about the life preserver part.
Lately, I've been a little frusterated with seeing so many posters and those kicking and bashing people when they are down that it coloured my perspective about eHumanity. I know that there are those who offer positive support as well.
Again, thanks for the polite reminder--someone may have come along and kicked me one a good one if you hadn't provided me with the chance to correct myself. :) | |
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| Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/28/2007 10:48:01 PM | Heh, I'm guilty of it myself sometimes Prettypicky, there are times when I 'react' rather than approach things on here from a good perspective.
This one personally, though, hits a spot because I've seen quite a few women (and some men too) in my life that have done this, and who get surrounded by people saying "oh your poor thing, they're so wrong for doing that, you're such a wonderful person", etc, etc, the "pity party"... and then feel better about themselves and go back for more "abuse", until the next time they are surrounded by friends responding to their sob story...
Sometimes what they really need is that total stranger to hear it and say "wtf are you staying in this for?? get out!!" to suddenly "get it". I haven't seen much so far on this thread thats along the lines of "kicking her when she's down" as much as people trying to motivate her to just do what she already knows it the right thing.
Now, if I was going to change the topic of this thread, I think I'd change it to:
"Why do people in bad situations seem to sit there saying 'I know what I *should* do', but have so many problems actually *doing* it??"
Wish I knew the answer to that, because I've been guilty of it too at times  | |
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| Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/28/2007 10:48:56 PM | | Well, you must be getting something out of it otherwise why would you keep going back for more? I'm going to suggest something different - that you are using him just as much as he is using you. You are in a relationship where you're filling some kind of need, and I think he knows it too - he's probably feeling just as used as you are. Oh well, when you get tired of all the other crap that goes along with getting this burning need filled you'll ditch him. I don't think you're the victim you're making yourself out to be. | |
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| Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/29/2007 1:45:25 AM | forums 1 and Prettypicky....you are right I can be surrounded by all the people feeling bad for me...but it is me that has to take a stand and put a stop to this situation. I am taking the abuse and don't deserve it or need it. I love the topic that you would of called the thread.
I want to thank everyone for their advice, stories, and plain making a statement. It has gotten me to thinking more about what I need to do after seeing what everyone has said
and I appreciate it. Nothing like seeing it written down right in front of your face to read. Thanks   | |
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| Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/29/2007 2:13:33 AM | | You seem to be one of those females who are so lonely/dependent on having a man in your life that you'll take one regardless of how horrible he treats you. You're stay with this man because you want to because you fear being alone and you don't value yourself enough to learn to live without a man. Fortunately for you, you know what you need to do to take care of you. Learn to live with yourself before you drag someone else into the picture... Best of luck! | |
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Savona
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Joined: 1/28/2007
Msg: 34 | |
| Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/29/2007 6:27:04 AM |
Well, you must be getting something out of it otherwise why would you keep going back for more? I'm going to suggest something different - that you are using him just as much as he is using you. You are in a relationship where you're filling some kind of need, and I think he knows it too - he's probably feeling just as used as you are. Oh well, when you get tired of all the other crap that goes along with getting this burning need filled you'll ditch him. I don't think you're the victim you're making yourself out to be.
OP, Realist59 is RIGHT on the point of this one. I am sorry for you that you are at this stage, but it appears as if you are more into this relationship for what it gives you or getting than you are letting us or your friends in on ...
Feeling needed, being a caregiver ... then getting the stokes from your friends and us here.
PLEASE do not be offended by what I am going to say here. Being with him although hard to deal with, it is easier that going out and making yourself available to good men. This way you are the better person in the relatonship. You are the good one he is the bad one. An equal relationship with a healthy man and woman will not get you the good woman strokes that you are getting from your friends and us like you will over this guy. Although he will suck the life out of you ... here it is ...
You can tell everyone you did your very best. Martyr and co-dependency . Needy and co-dependency
Yes you can chat with us and get great personal reviews of Girl you are so much better than that. You friends are telling you ... ahhhh you are so much better than that. Is that your payoff? You must be feeling low and words from friends and POF'ers are comforting and they are also stroking what ever you need to feel good about yourself.
So if you are thinking my friends are all supporting me and what good friends, what would I do with them ... I am going to tell you what I think, pretend we are good girl pals.
Yes Girl Friend you are such a good woman to look after this guy that is going down the tubes, and I love your good heart. TRUTHFULLY though I am sick of you getting wrapped up with this guy. So although I am being supportive eventually this type of relationship between you and I will get strained.
As a friend I can listen to only so much of you and this jerk and I am frankly getting tired of the same conversation over and over. I can only support you so long then I goanna say SHIITT please call me when it is done. Your problems with this guy are draining to me also. That is all we seem to talk about. So you know it is a dead end street. It is not up to you to FIX up a 40 year old drunk. Leave him all the brochures for AA, and tell him to call you once in a while, in a long long while just to let you know how he is doing.
You friends and we will thank you because we can't be supportive forever if you won't help yourself. It is not that we aren't good friends its just there are so many more important things that people really do need help with, like our friend who is alone with an autistic child, or a friend who's helping a parent who is terminally ill.
I swear, move on, you friends will love you for it, you can stop talking about this stupid situation and become a better friend and not be the center of discussion in regards to you Loser Boy Friend that you give too much to.
Sorry I am so harsh, it is only my own opinion.
Savona | |
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| Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/29/2007 7:23:16 AM | Savona....Thanks for your opinion. Yeah some of it was harsh but you have made me do some thinking about my friends. I feel sorry for them for having to hear about this
problem. I never thought about them. I think I owe them all some credit for being there and listening. I need to let them know that I am going to take care of the problem and appreciate them being there for me. That I am sorry I lost sight of things and dumped it on them. That I hope they will forgive me and will still be my friends.
Plus thanks for the info everyone on here as given me, sorry I have taken up your time for something that is my problem and my problem only. Some of it has been hard to read. But I needed someone to tell me like it was. I was looking for anyone to feel sorry for me, I just needed to have people but it in black and white, or kick my butt so I could really see what I was doing. Savona, you are a wonderful person and thanks for taking your time. I think sometimes we need someone to be harsh. | |
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Savona
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Joined: 1/28/2007
Msg: 36 | |
| Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/29/2007 8:16:07 AM | Hi ExNavyWife,
No don't feel sorry for your friends, that is what friends are for, it is only time to draw the line, that is all.
I am sure there is nothing for your friends to forgive, after all they love you. But yes they will be so very happy for you when you do what you know is the right thing, for you.
You have not taken up any time here, that is what forums are for. Sometimes it is hard to see our lives from inside out, and it helps so much for others who are not emotionally involved to see the true clear picture.
Hey we are hear any time, never be shy to post. But we are really wishing the next post is telling us that you feel great and are free ... free to be available to a man who you will have a good healthy and loving relationship with.
Sincerest and warmest regards
Savona | |
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| Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/29/2007 8:25:41 AM | | I think you are a very sweet and lovng girl and need to put this undeserving a** in the road. I have had similar experiences as I am a giver too but promise from experience they won't change and the worse thing is if you meet someone nice they are not going to want to get involved as long as he is in the picture. you are a very pretty girl and won't have a problem meeting the right one after you get away from him . Wish you lived in Ms...hope you are getting the info you need .. good luck | |
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| Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/29/2007 8:29:48 AM | First off, you *know* what you should do, you said it right there.
Questioning "why" is something you can do afterwards, when you are away from this guy that sounds like he is crushing your self-esteem like he's probably crushing beer cans on his forehead.
The answers as to "why" you are staying will probably come to you after you leave, when you get away from his influence and can take a step back and *really* look at it from an objective standpoint, rather than from the standpoint of someone involved in it at the time.  | |
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| Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/29/2007 8:34:53 AM | Lisa,
You hit the nail on the proverbial head! That is exactly RIGHT. This poor lady has absolutely no love for herself. One of the main things I have learned since my divorce is that in order to be loved by someone, you have to love yourself FIRST. Love and Respect are synonymous in my book. They go hand in hand. What I say is, "Lady, you need to look in the mirror and ask yourself, "Do I love you?" If the answer is "yes", then there is only one choice or option here. LEAVE.
And, just like you said Lisa, women are TERRIFIED of being alone. This is a major setback for women in general. This "fear" of being alone and not "having a man" has got to be remedied. Too many women think if that don't have a man in their lives that they are not complete. There is another saying that goes like this. "I can do bad all by myself." Translation: If the man you are with doesn't enhance and make your life better, and make you a better person, THEN GET RID OF HIM!  | |
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| Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/29/2007 2:53:14 PM | .Lisa msg 4 & OP
OP.. If your guy will agree to professional help... and u love him that much to endure for quite some time, because healing even with pro help takes a very long time and often fails... if not right away.. so many eventually slip back into the same habits once they feel comfortable once again..... In my opinion it's doomed, sorry to say.
My personal experiance on this subject:
I am not really in a relationship (to call it such would be a stretch), an online thing only so far... did meet once, but I hardly call that a relationship. I started chatting with an extremely intelligent woman.. some of you may remember her as 'babycrackcrack'. I have not known another of such intellect... just blew me away... saw it immediately... She almost directly went into 'test' mode... hardcore testing at times... downright nasty... I know someone that smart could not really be all the things she purported to be... an emotional abuser.. sick in mind n' heart... to be as evil as she attempted to appear.. she would long ago have been in jail.. prison... lol I could feel her heart as well, it wasn't 'in' the things she was doing/saying... I won't call it a gift I have, but it was plain as day to me. So, I knew all things had to be a test... in my arrogance I thought I could 'crack' her... get her to come clean... admit to her testing... almost had her break at one point, and I was joyous... thinking finally this crap is over with and if she was of like mind we could have a 'real' relationship. I would have given up waiting for this 'cracking' long ago, but had a monkey wrench in the works... I wasn't completely legally divorced yet... and where I originate, we are absolutely not allowed to date a married person... must wait for a divorce to be legal! So I attached the same value to her... so I waited... still am.. lol In the interum, waiting for the divorce to become final, she would test me on various other things, or at least explore me, do some discovery. Damndest thing is.. I actually fell in love with her during this process... The beauty of her mind astonishes me... her humor magnificent... I have always loved the english language and she makes it sing ... as a well tuned instrument! She has physical beauty and grace... class!
you say
Easy. Needy of a man to make them feel loved and happy. Afraid of being alone and not finding another.
LACK OF SELF WORTH , LOVE, HAPPINESS AND PRIDE
Well, in my case WOMAN... I can assure you I am none of these things you say here... if after my divorce is legally final, removing that freaking monkey wrench... (which has caused me untold, unfathomable grief) allowing me to read properly... then if she doesn't almost immediately contact me... I will be gone in a heartbeat!! It does not matter to me that I fell in love with her.... My self-worth, pride, manhood, honor would absoutely not permit me to have a relationship with the babycrackcrack personna.... I require truth... she will have to eat some crow I suppose in all the assumptions she has of made of me if the divorce thing was not what she had been waiting for to do things right! I don't want to sweep all this 'under the rug'... a true relationship has to be honest all the way... I hope she comes clean and we go out together and have the greatest laugh of all time about all these things. I would fill her in on some things as I am sure she would me... Perhaps though, she is not woman enough to make this happen... in that case... I move on... but not for a while because this woman had such an impact on me... it will take me much time to recover and be emotionally available to another... if ever... lol I truely believe she was my soul-mate, not the babycrackcrack, but the one with the pretense of being that personna.... Makes me wonder why I have had to repeat this though.. thought I had said this b4... someone just wasn't listening I guess.... Digger... | |
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| Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/29/2007 3:29:35 PM | Well I have to admit that i have been gulity of staying in relationships which i know are not good for me, thankfully now that is all in the past.
The only reason i can give is my own reason, not anyone elses, i got very good at lying to myself, the same lie, just different variations, I always told myself it would work out, it would get better, this could be it for me (as in the one, not my only opportunity) I have found solous recently, people say this all the time but when you stop just saying it and really think about it and believe it's far easier to implement. People dont change! They can be the nicest people in the world or the worst basterds but people are who they are and we dont all fit together, you cant make something work, it either works or it doesnt and the sooner you break away the less heartache for everyone in the long run...
Lets not forget, we can not control others we can only control ourselves and this is a very short life we have, lets not waste the time we have here with someone we know in our hearts is not right for us...
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| Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/29/2007 3:58:47 PM | Just be very grateful you are not living with this man.
He's an alcoholic. He has all the traits and you can see clearly now. You have taken the first step and admitted he is wrong for you. Now turn off the phone for a week and see how much stronger you will feel. Better yet, change your phone number and don't look back.
If you can, get yourself some counseling.
Good luck. | |
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| Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/29/2007 4:03:58 PM | | OP firstly you need to stop feeling ashamed of yourself. He saw you as an easy target and he has been taking advantage of this ever since. It is not your fault! and there is nothing wrong with you as a person, you just have really low self esteem and he is taking away any confidence you may have had in the beginning. You need to try to step back and view this situation from the outside. This type of person will use people who are vulnerable, and they will play with their mind in such a way as to keep them more and more under their control. You know yourself he doesn't love you, or even care about you, so he is playing a game with you to turn you into a nervous wreck who leaps to his attention. The reason you are going along with it is because he is sapping all of your confidence. You probably think that a life with him is better than a life without him but it isn't! As long as you keep this man in your life you will NEVER find a good man who cares about you, because you will be so emotionally ruined by the time he has finished with you. You NEED to shut him out of your life completely, and do some work on regaining your confidence. If you don't things will only get worse for you. You deserve better, but you're not going to find it while ever you let people leach off you in this way. Know you are special, know you are worth much more than this. Don't criticise yourself for the mistakes you have made so far but learn from them and promise yourself that you will never let anyone emotionally abuse you again in the future. | |
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| Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/29/2007 5:00:41 PM | Hi Navy Wave:
No one can make you feel badly or crush your self esteem without your permission. So the question is why do you allow this pathetic guy to control your life and own your thoughts?
Be kind to yourself by putting emotional distance between yourself and this guy. Ask for help from friends and family. Look into connecting with a support group (Alanon, perhaps) and/or private therapy.
Good luck. Others have walked this walk, you can as well. | |
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| Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/29/2007 5:20:39 PM | oh dear..
it's tough isn't it? I feel for you.
Now, practically, I would really suggest that you start looking at your own codependancy... get away from him and really... find a therapist, or Al-Anon, or CODA. I'm not saying you are mentally ill...that's not it, but if you don't purge this characterisic you will only attract more of the same...narcissists and alcoholics and all those kinds can see you lit up like a christmas tree, and they will take advantage of your softness and desire to be helpful and loving. You can be a loving woman without being codependant. Even better you can do it and not end up a victim.
good luck! | |
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| Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/29/2007 5:35:26 PM | Definitely CODA material here............. Instead of making another post about this, you might want to consider logging off and doing a google for the nearest CODA meetings in your neighborhood........
I'm also recommending you go and get a couple books called "Ten Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives"...........and "How Could You Do That?"......... | |
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| Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/29/2007 6:16:35 PM | This is a great start for you, and I think you received a lot of helpful suggestions. Please keep in mind that none of us have met you, and that we haven't heard your situation in person. Someone who can help in relationships like this would hear the tone of your voice, hear the stress in certain parts, see your body language, see when you break down, etc. We are NO substitution for someone who has a formal education and experience. There are a lot of perceptive posters on this site, but a lot of us are speaking from our own experiences, therefore you're going to get each person's "spin". I hope you'll consider some kind of counseling or at the very least do some reading.
You seem to be an intelligent, thoughtful woman who has found herself in an emotional situation that spiraled downward for whatever reasons. Keep in mind that you aren't the first person this has happened to and you won't be the last - you're in very good company. I think that you can really turn this situation around and learn from it and end up in a relationship that is much more satisfying. It's great to see someone who genuinely wants help, considers what she's told, and then thanks those that offer it for their time. You have a lot of people rooting for you here. I think you can get this resolved with some time and energy. Good luck. | |
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| Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/29/2007 7:03:34 PM | People in general (not just women) have a tendency to stick with what is familiar.
The primary reason we do this is fear, fears like:
1. I don't want to die alone.
2. I might not find someone else.
3. Maybe it's me that's defective and not the relationship.
4. Maybe I haven't given this a fair chance to fix itself.
As I said, women are not the only ones who suffer from this problem. Men, in my experience, are generally creatures of habit. In some case we will put up with some craaaaazy stuff purely because we've grown used to it. | |
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