| Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/29/2007 7:25:14 PM | Pamperpooch41, thanks for your input, I did feel very ashamed and tried to delete the thread after I did it, but couldn't. I can tell you are a caring and loving person and I am glad I got to meet you, even if it was under this situation. Your friends must feel really lucky to have you. I will always remember the part of your message: Never let anyone emotionally abuse you again. I am going to keep saying it over and over to myself.  | |
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| Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/29/2007 7:42:04 PM | Realist59, You are right I have gotten alot of good information and learned alot about myself, from all of you and thanks for taking the time. I really like the message you wrote to me and I am going to print it and keep it to read. Sometimes it is funny how strangers can give you info and make you see something that you don't because you are blinded. I love him so much that I would do anything not to lose him. But after hearing all of you....I have got to stop it ...it is time to let go. You all are right he isn't going to change, doesn't love me and I have to accept that. That is what hurts so much the truth. 
I just keep going over to see him and telling myself that he would change. If anything he was getting worse. I just didn't want to believe it, because sometimes he could be nice. But I cannot let him or anyone take over my life...being alone would be better. I know in time this will pass and the pain that I have for him will go away. Time heals everything, it is going to be hard, but I can do it and have too. If for not anyone else but myself... | |
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| Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/29/2007 7:42:29 PM | Oh my god! You're gorgeous!!! What are you doing with such a dead beat? I'm 19 years old and I swear if you said you were Lesbian/Bi I would so date you *ahem* that being said lol-
You need to just turn your back, change your number and your locks. This guy sounds like he would get drunk and pound on your door till he broke it down. Get an alarm system too. If this guy is getting everything from you and you suddenly say "Hey I'm done" he's gonna be like Oh crap I need to get her back any which way I can so that she can keep feeding me and paying my bills. This guy is a heartbreaker, a loser and does not warrant such a beautiful woman such as yourself. You said it yourself- You need to leave, I had someone string me along too saying they couldn't be in a relationship but still saying they loved me and all that. You have to just put a stop to it- even though its the hardest thing in the world.  please... for your emotional, financial and mostly physical well being- just put an end to something that should never have started.- sun | |
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| Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/29/2007 8:23:04 PM | | You may not like my suggestion, but you have a lot of things you need to work on, and dating will just get in the way and ultimately interfere with your growth and healing. Until you get healthy, you will keep picking bad men, or go back to the one's you've been with. Do something you enjoy and make good friendships that are going to last. Find a group of people who will support you through this phase of your life and not exploit you. If your therapist isn't helping you, find another one. Some therapists will validate your feelings and give you BS - you need one who will tell you the truth even if it gets you mad. Perhaps you were abused as a child; most women who choose bad men were. This is something you can work through, and you are not the only one. Get involved with a charity, a church or something and give of yourself in a healthy way that you can feel good about. | |
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| Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/30/2007 3:40:45 AM |
Sometimes it is funny how strangers can give you info and make you see something that you don't because you are blinded. I love him so much that I would do anything not to lose him. But after hearing all of you....I have got to stop it ...it is time to let go. You all are right he isn't going to change, doesn't love me and I have to accept that. That is what hurts so much the truth
It's always easier looking at it from the outside, and that's what you have to try to do now..be an outside bystander. You really do seem like a lovely person, and once you can see that for yourself, and realise how much more you deserve, things will start to come good for you. Although it does hurt initially, if you can get through this bad bit, you will start to feel much stronger. Judging by the messages on this post I think everyone else can see how much better you deserve in life. Believe in yourself, and take back the control that he has stolen from you! In a few years time you'll look back and wonder what on earth you ever saw in him. I sincerely wish you so much happiness in the future | |
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| Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/30/2007 4:13:02 AM |
Because they are afraid of being alone.
wow, hope they dint tax themselves rollin that lil 'pearl' yer way OP
there are MANY reasons that people do All that they Do.
This particular scenario is sad-SAD because this gal is IN the HE!! of being ALONE
alone IN a 'relationship with' anOther
OP? even Worse than being 'alone, Lonely'...WITH someOne and Lonely
G E T O U T!
(i havent 'read ahead' -sorry if ya have/have already told us of it)
the SoonEr you Leave a SAD situation, the SoonEr you can START healing
One can Not heal a Wounded Heart, with the Knife still IN it.
~Good Luck, Best of Wishes to you OP~
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| Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/30/2007 8:10:33 AM | Why do SOME women stay in a relationship that isn't good for them? .. Why do SOME men stay in the same craphouse?
It is sooooooooooooo sad that we live in a society that doesn't teach us from very young that we MUST love ourselves = no no no not in that egotistical, narcissus way that excludes loving others. But in that way that we treat our ownselves as our own best friend.
I do know 'some' women who've opted for martyrdom (ie living with nasty, abusive, self-loathing men) (and vice versa)... They ALL seem to think they have some kind of majic cure for their partner, if only they love them enough and/or the right way .. blahblahblah. My dear old ma was one such woman. She was extraordinarily intelligent (academically), she was pretty, she was loved. She just never really knew that of herself. So - she died because she stayed in one too many relationships that weren't good for her.
When men or women stay in poisonous situations - they teach their children how to walk through this world. So - it's really not much wonder this world is getting more f'd up every day.
Some of us are fortunate enough to break those old patterns. btw - if you're getting counselling and are still in that abusive relationship, fire your counsellor and get a new one!
Think about it - esp if you have children - Do they deserve the same kind of life you're settling for? Is that Really what you would teach them?
Anyway, sorry for rambling on - but seriously OP - You have to get acquainted with your own self, are you a good person? if not then perhaps you deserve the misery. My bet is that you're just a tad mixed up and learning to LOVE yourself would make a whole world of difference. You might even find a man who'll love you too!
Abuse is NOT love - not even if they "say" they're sorry.
all the best
A.S.is
ps
"No company
is better than - bad company"
I'd rather be lonely than bruised. | |
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| Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/30/2007 1:55:37 PM | Wow, incredible, I just recently started a thread basically asking the same thing. I was seeing someone recently that had come from a very abusive relationship, both verbally, mentally and physically and when we began to draw closer she up and ended it and said she wanted to give the abusive ex another chance (4th) chance in fact. She knows it a bad relationship, her daughter knows it and has told her so on many occasions and so has everyone else she has talked about him with, yet she went back in spite of being able to have a great relationship with me. I have no idea why they do that, I'm hoping someone here might have a rational reason for it as well. But OP you know you need to go, you're worth so much more and deserve a lot better from a good man. Just do yourself a favor and when you find him, or he finds you, don't push him away, I know first hand the feeling of how hard it is to be pushed away when trying to show a good woman she's worth something and is good. Give the next guy a chance but remain a little guarded however just in case. Good luck.  | |
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| Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/30/2007 4:32:22 PM | Dear Poster, I am also 48 and I think you are a very nice looking woman. I was in a simular relationship and it is hard to walk away when you love someone. He is a true narcisist. You may want to read a book called trapped in the mirror and you will probably be amazed at how you will see his actions unfold in your mind as you read it. You have already answered your own questions in your original post, and you know that already. Sometimes we just have to walk away, and it will be hard at first but you deserve better. You are attracted because it is an uphill battle and he is challenging you but the truth is we all deserve better. There is life out there and we have to go get that life, and make the decision to be happy. He is only keeping you hurt and hindering you from true happiness and you have to move on with your life now because life truely does move on. He has already told you he doesn't want a relationship then give him what he wants. He is using you and you are letting him. If I was close and wasn't in a relationship I would like to meet you, and I am sure there are hundreds if not thousands of men near you that would feel the same way if you were to give them a chance. I wish you the best of luck, and that you make the right decision for you.
I also went down this road and one day I saw a hope bumper sticker on the car in front of me and realized there was no hope and went to her that evening and ask her to never contact me again, and she hasn't and yes it was hard but my life has been so much better since. You deserve better and you know it. Open your heart to someone else and allow yourself to love. | |
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| Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/31/2007 6:51:03 AM | Hi Katie, your only wise choice is to quickly back away from the abuser, he has nothing for you anyway. If you are strong, he will seek you out, but the moment you weaken he will abuse you for selfish gain.
I have very strong principles against giving my time to abusers.. I don't let them near me, and I don't give them more than 30 seconds of time. You know what needs to be done, remind yourself not to be a p u s s y about it, you are an adult and ifyou tolerate his abuse it will only hurt you more..
now on the other hand, if you want to use that guy, and tolerate him using you, that's not abuse.. but do not lie to yourself, or then whine to yourself or others.. his abuse is clear... nothing you do will change him.. either accept that he doesn't care about you, and uses you only for his own self, or you are lying to yourself. Any man who gets drunk when a woman is present doesn't want to be around her. If he REALLY wants to be present, he won't drink that much, because that's what LOVE does. He is not loving.. you don't have to change it, you can't. you can use him, but don't think he's going to change.. and I would -if it were me- back off a lot, a whole lot.. use him where it's comfortable, but immediately pray and resolve to move to another relationship. I don't want to spend a lot of time with this because your choices are so clear.. I can't stand people like that guy.. and I don't like spending time repeating myself if you want to keep going back to him..
definitely you should probably forgive yourself for the weakness or suffering that has you wanting him.. it's a pain, or a lonelyness or fear or some combination.. but it's not an excuse.. you can forgive yourself even a little, let god do it even more.. you can keep him, if it's in his appropriate place, as your pet. he cannot be your partner, he's an addict who abuses himself and anyone close to him. you can play with him, but then don't cry when he hurts you, you knew before you went over he's just a ho.. and he's got nothing of real value for you either.. but he could be a little comfort for a moment.. but not really.. I wouldn't go near a person like that for anything.. the minute I see an abuser I immediately accept the pain, let them go, hold myself and move on.. focusing on what I truly want.
peace and blessings | |
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| Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/31/2007 7:03:35 AM | I have no idea...but most of the time it is in fact to gain something or because of insecurity.
let me give you an example:
I know this girl. She got a 10 year relationship out of one guy. She got pregnant the first year. 2 years later, she claim to have been rapped and beat up by this guy, which resulted into a second child; yet she stayed (run-come back-run again-come back) for another 8 years! If I where to believe that story (don't ask...); it shows to me that this girl has serious issues (she also left the kids in his care..so it is NOT about the kids).
Shorthly after..she did it again! this time for a 8 year period and another 2 kids, and all the time, she run away, come back, run away and come back...but this time she took the plane alone and came to Canada to escape (herself).....didn't learned from her experience, blame the new relationship with the sins of her previous relationships, destroying everything as results......and she is still running.....but running out of time, she doesn't realize.
very deep issues and refuse to admit or fully reconize the reality of things. nothing to be helped with..as she claim to have no problems or attone most of the others that she have.(she love placebos too..the easy way, no true solutions)
I have to admit, that I too stayed in a relationship (for a few months) that wasn't good for me as I trully believed that I could help that person and that things will be better after a while. It changed me, make me become like her, creating a spiral of toxicity for both of us and unhealthy and destructive path. I've woke up and learned now but it took a lot and I moved on with my life.
She didn't realized anything , and still cloak herself from herself and continue to show to the world a complete different fake public image, willingly or not. She cannot/want not to be helped and , anyway, not my responsibility anymore, even if it's break my heart. | |
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| Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/31/2007 7:13:07 AM |
because we made a deal that we were going to see only each other, until he meet someone else.
First off, you need some serious professional help. I just wanted to quote the sentence above because in indicates very clearly how you have put shackes around your self. If you make a pact with a person of not seeing other people it means that when YOU break it up, YOU not HIM is free to see other people. Whether he meets another person or not is irrelevant. YOU are FREE.
Okay, first of all, you have an extremely low perception of your self, and because of that you find yourself with a person that in the surface seems in more need than you, thus the attraction. I call it the Puppy dog syndrome. He validates your giving nature. You see the problem is that you are not in love with him, you are in love with that validation that you get when you are helping someone in need. However, this guy is a user, an abuser, and you well know that you need to get rid of him. The thing is that you are not strong enough to do it. So come to terms with a few things. Number one, YOU are never, ever going to make him change. No matter what he may say, no matter what you want to think in your head. Number two, it is going to get even WORSE. Face it. This is the way it is when you only been going out this much. It is going to bet a lot worse. Number three, you need to think of yourself, so get your validation elsewhere. Get a cat or a dog, volunteer in some organization, so you feel needed. And number four, DUMP HIS ASS, and do it as soon as possible. Now be careful here. You cannot dump him, and then change your mind and see him next week. No. You dump his as and make it FINAL.
Your freedom, your sanity, your self worth is right in front of you. Do it. | |
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| Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/31/2007 7:21:17 AM |
I do see a therapist once a week also. I really appreciate your input.
And by the way, fire your therapist. He/she ain't helping you.
I have a feeling that you come from a very mentally or physically abusive family. Thus you tend to get attracted to dictatorial types, perhaps military types. So whatever you do come to terms with that, and distinguish that there's nothing wrong with a discipline strong person, but that it doesn't have to be abusive. | |
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| Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/31/2007 7:51:34 AM | Seems like there are a lot of closet shrinks on here, so I am going be one more...
You know your life story, and the what and why of your past.. Some say it is because you were abused as a kid... Could be...None of us know.
However in general terms most people that get into an abusive, debasive go no where relationship is because of low self esteem.. Many times it is because we feel so worthless, that we are willing to date someone below us, so he doesn't leave.. After all we are at least better then that person...
Then we kid ourselves into thinking we are some male reform school or nurse nightengale... UMMMM yeah, not!
Get some counseling that gets to the root of you. Check out your area for womens resources for women in abusive relationships... Heck you can even check out an addiction program...
The worst part about being with someone you describe is that you say you love this person...The question is really do you actually love this person or are you just addicted to him?
Do you love yourself enough to get passed this destructive, emotional draining relationship to make yourself available to someone really worth of your time? If you are swimming a cesse pool, how can someone wonderful even notice you?
Good luck | |
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| Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/31/2007 8:24:58 AM | | Hi exnavywave I sure know what you are going through. Did that with my first husband. He ended up nearly killing me as it kept exculating to the point where my kids and I have to leave the state to get a way from him. What he is doing to you is abuse. Most say if you stay i an abusive relationship its your fault and your asking for it or you like it. Not so. Although many women don't want their abuser put in jail or leave him they are very unhappy and don't know what to do. For some strange reason they are drawn to the loser and can't seem to find the courage to get away. i know in my case he threated to kill me if I left. But if I stayed he would have killed me so After being counseled to leave asap I packed up my kids and me and we fled the state. I know your situation is not as bad, but all the tell tale signs are there. He is only thinking of him self and could care less about you. Pretty soon you will care less and less about you too. he gets his jollies being able to make you feel that way and will only get worse as time goes by. As pretty and smart as you are you need to muster up the strength to break the sick bond you have with this man and find a healthy relationship that will build you up not tare you down. Love youself and take care of yourself. No one will do it for you. You have to decide if you want to be treated this way the rest of your life. I am here anytime you want to talk. | |
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| Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/31/2007 8:29:30 AM | I was going to ask the same question. But my problem is I don't love him and can't stand him. He uses me. He only thinks of himself and his needs. I stopped having sex with him ages ago but he doesn't get it. People keep telling me to get out.
But the problem is WHERE would I go? I have a dog and cat. Also, he raked up all my credit so I owe tons of money. He was smart then cause nothing is in his name until I have stopped paying all the bills. All my personal stuff is destroyed. I am a temp trying to find a permanment job. No friends or family in the city to help.
But how do I get out without money? You believe how lonely I am. Lucky he mostly works nights and I work days. | |
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| Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them?
Posted: 10/31/2007 8:48:07 AM | | The best advice I can give is to contact local abuse advocates in your area and they will help you to find a way out and get you back on the right track. Its going to take work and determination on your part. Being free does not come with out a cost. But I can tell you first hand its like being given a new lease on life. You begin to find out who you really are and begin to have self respect and stay clear of mental, emotional, and physical leaches who will suck the life out of you if you let them. | |
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