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Show ALL Forums  > Ask A Girl  > Why do women give abusive ex's another chance?      Home login  
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 Itinerate
Joined: 4/28/2007
Msg: 76
Why do women give abusive ex's another chance?Page 4 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Letshavefun - that's more like it!
 nikoblue
Joined: 1/31/2008
Msg: 77
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Why do women give abusive ex's another chance?
Posted: 4/24/2008 1:42:52 PM
SOME women do this and so do SOME men. It's not a gender issue. Many men get themselves into abusive relationships and go back and back because the wacko sings a sirens song or cries or something to seem sincere. Then the nonsense starts again.

Why do some people do this? There are tons of various theories about it based on years of research by mental health professionals and there's never just ONE reason these individuals tie themselves up with someone destructive. IOW, there are no simple answers. Sorry.

Getting involved with someone who has been caught up in an abusers system of subtle and not so subtle manipulations is going to be a rocky road for you if that person is not or has not sought counseling to determine 1) why they tend to get involved with abusers and 2) how to recover their self-esteem and self-confidence that is often shattered by the time they pull out of it. Until your friend makes a clean break and closes the chapter of that part of the book of her life, she is still caught up in his web spinning. Good luck.
 NotUrAverageGurl
Joined: 1/4/2007
Msg: 78
Why do women give abusive ex's another chance?
Posted: 4/25/2008 11:05:49 PM
Hmmm love makes folks do crazy things, like go back to a mentally or physically abusive situation repeatedly even...mebbe thats what it is *shrugs* Folks tend to put up with alot more than they normally would when it's dealt by someone they love.

Eventually they'll learn the lesson and realize its time to walk away and never look back.
 1_blonde
Joined: 12/5/2007
Msg: 79
Why do women give abusive ex's another chance?
Posted: 4/26/2008 7:52:00 AM
Go back to my abusive exhusband.............. NOT ON YOUR LIFE OR MINE!!!!!!!

Honestly, there is nothing in this world that would make me even consider it !!!!!!

For those who do it..... they don't have their brains and their hearts in the right place. Staying away from the abusive ex is a BRAIN leading the person thing. I had to learn how to lead my life with my brain... sometimes it's not the easiest thing. I made it though.

the new Blonde
 iloveuhere
Joined: 3/5/2008
Msg: 80
Why do women give abusive ex's another chance?
Posted: 4/26/2008 5:43:09 PM
because they still want to be f*cked by them. Plain and simple
 lonesome wonderer
Joined: 12/26/2007
Msg: 81
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Why do women give abusive ex's another chance?
Posted: 4/26/2008 8:14:58 PM
call me stupid, call me an idiot, call me what ever you like.....when i first started with the committed relationship with my ex boyfriend he strangled me to the point where i blacked out. something was going on between my family and i and i really didn't care about anything. back in 4/05 he ended up kicking me in my nose and breaking it on me. a month later he and i split up....he stayed in his apartment and i moved out. i'm not with him anymore but he was a good piece as iloveuhere pretty much mentioned. i've been living alone in my trailer for over 2 years now and he and i parted as friends. he would never lay his hand on me to hurt me again, not even in my own home. he knows i could have shot him then (the state trooper asked me why didn't i shoot him once i told him i have a hand gun) and i will not hesitate to shoot him if he caused harm to me in my own home.

the reason that he and i stayed together (i didn't go back since at the time we never broke up) was because i was in love with him and i felt that he was in love with me too and was hoping that things would have changed. to me, everyone deserves a 2nd chance..........but that doesn't mean that there's any other chances after that.
 Kindredspirit07
Joined: 7/29/2005
Msg: 82
Why do women give abusive ex's another chance?
Posted: 4/27/2008 12:12:15 AM
There could be kids involved. Maybe they have tried being apart and can't take feeling lonely. Usually it's because of low self esteem. The abusive partner has made them think and feel that they are useless, worthless and won't be able to find someone else.
 SPIRITS WILL FLY
Joined: 4/13/2008
Msg: 83
Why do women give abusive ex's another chance?
Posted: 4/27/2008 8:25:41 AM
Maybe just maybe the story was a one sided fabricated story, I know now that the abusiveness in a relationship may perpurtrated by the person telling you she/he was abused and not the alleged abuser as you are led to believe. The old addage also comes into mind It takes two to tango. So be glad those two found each and let you walk ....
 gameon42
Joined: 4/19/2008
Msg: 84
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Why do women give abusive ex's another chance?
Posted: 4/27/2008 11:25:11 PM
I'm sorry if somewhere in this thread this was already covered, but come to think of it, why do so many woman say they want the "nice" guy and always go for these guys who are obviously total a**holes. Its so frustrating, how all the girls that I know against the obvious signs, decide to date the guy they know is going to treat them like sh*t...it just doesn't make any sense.
 Pride38
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 85
Why do women give abusive ex's another chance?
Posted: 4/28/2008 3:49:39 PM
Gameon42....you're very young 19 years old. And I know for a fact girls your age have no clue about relationships or the meaning of relationships. Thank god I'm 37 about to be 38. I don't date anyone younger than me...usually in the 40 to 50 range. And they are women "Not Girls" LOL. They go for the A**holes due to the fact they have crap for brains or common sense. Start hangin out with women, and stay far away from the girls. Girls go for "Wannabe" "Bad boys" (cough cough vomit) cause they're too dumb and insecure to date 'Men" . Thats why they're called girls. 40 age plus women Rock! They appreciate real men.
 gameon42
Joined: 4/19/2008
Msg: 86
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Why do women give abusive ex's another chance?
Posted: 4/28/2008 8:46:13 PM
hotguy1970,
Ah...but seriously, what 40 year-old woman would want an 19-year old? I mean she'd be old enough to be my mom...


Too dumb and insecure huh...that oddly makes a lot of sense. Thanks.
 Pride38
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 87
Why do women give abusive ex's another chance?
Posted: 4/29/2008 11:11:07 AM
Which is why I'm glad I'm 38 LOL
 Nite-in-amor
Joined: 4/17/2008
Msg: 88
Why do women give abusive ex's another chance?
Posted: 5/3/2008 6:29:41 PM
Hi
In my understanding of the issue, if a woman is abused by her Father or other male member of her family repeatedly before she was ten years old, then her subconsious mind relates to that, as a feeling of security and comfort despite the damage it is doing. It's like it has been pre-programed in her mind that this is the normal situation to be in and it feels comfortable. For a normal child this would be a cuddly teddy bear or love and hugs from an adoring parent. The same situation occures for English public school students who become judges and lawyers or even priests, How many times are cases reported of these people dressed in S&M gear and / or abusing small boys, since they themselves were abused in the English Prep school system. In other words it feels good to be abused and reminds them of their childhood.

I thank you!!!!
 mcbobly
Joined: 8/28/2005
Msg: 89
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Why do women give abusive ex's another chance?
Posted: 5/3/2008 7:25:58 PM

Maybe just maybe the story was a one sided fabricated story, I know now that the abusiveness in a relationship may perpetrated by the person telling you she/he was abused and not the alleged abuser as you are led to believe

Totally not the case. I know her dam well and him very well and know for a fact he is that type. I have seen and heard his anger and temperament, and keep in mind this is a 53 y.o. man perpetrating this heinous act against her. Thankfully now things have finally gone the right way and he is nearly out of the picture for good now. It took her making it crystal clear she wanted nothing to do with him anymore and he is not welcome to come over unless she has me or other company near by that might help if needed. He has a very short fuse and angers very easily, but she has come to realize that he was a mistake and she is correcting it. So no, it was not a fabricated or BS story, it was real.
 *smarty*pants*
Joined: 4/13/2008
Msg: 90
Why do women give abusive ex's another chance?
Posted: 5/4/2008 9:22:40 AM
'Hmmm love makes folks do crazy things, like go back to a mentally or physically abusive situation repeatedly'

they are not in love, they dont know what love is, if they had felt love then they woud know what it is and they would nto stay in abusive, opressive and violent relationships.

you know right McBobly that you cant help a person wjo does not want to help themselves, its like banging your head off a wall. You need to stay well clear and if she wants help then be there but the more you try to tell her that shes doing the wrong thing, the more she will know she has alot to fall back on and she'll stay in the danger. Trust me.

Rach x
 *smarty*pants*
Joined: 4/13/2008
Msg: 91
Why do women give abusive ex's another chance?
Posted: 5/4/2008 9:25:08 AM
hey nite-in-amor, your chat is dangerous and further not entirely accurate.
 ligonmaximus
Joined: 4/23/2006
Msg: 92
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Why do women give abusive ex's another chance?
Posted: 5/4/2008 1:45:39 PM
I have no idea that you will read this since this post is old now. My aunt was with several abusive men. She was married four times!!!!!! One of the guys was particularly bad. He not only affected my cousin's upbringing (who is in prison now for the past 15 years) he affected my sister and my upbringing just by him living next door. That being said I am sorry that your sister was treated horribly.

I think there is more to it then the fact that many women with abusive men have self esteem issues and/or looking for a dominant figure because either their father was abusive or they did not have one.

Attraction comes into play as well. A lot of ladies love men who are strong, masculine, have no trouble saying no to them, and men who have a spine. Because truly masculine men are hard to find, I think the ladies will get with some of these abusive guys because they literally can not help it. They are only doing what the laws of attraction in their sub conscious mind is telling them to do. Can they leave the abusive guy once they are in the relationship? Sure you bet they can......However, they may have more trouble not going back to him because their ATTRACTION level is so high for the abusive man. Until they find a really great guy who is MASCULINE as well they may very well continue to go back to the abusive guy regularly.

Personally, I think all women should be taught at a early age (middle school age 13) in the school systems that there are dangerous man out there and how to identify red flags to possibly prevent them from getting with this guys to begin with. Schools teach everything else why not at least teach young girls some of the red flags of abusive men?
 ligonmaximus
Joined: 4/23/2006
Msg: 93
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Why do women give abusive ex's another chance?
Posted: 5/4/2008 1:54:11 PM
gameon42 the simple answer to your post is, "Attraction is not a choice" based on what I learned from Dr. Paul Dobransky and David Deangelo. I use to wonder the same thing myself until I researched/educated myself about it.
 CharlieRose99
Joined: 7/27/2008
Msg: 94
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Why do women give abusive ex's another chance?
Posted: 8/10/2008 8:34:39 PM
"professional" abusers are very methotical and determined....

they make you seperate from your family and friends....

They are very charming and convincing, and they use minipulation to their own advantage....

They feel like you deserve it, its what is right...


Ive wittnessed an abused women from past relationships actually say "im just waiting for my new boyfriend to hit me".... its real sad

They break you down and build you up programed to almost expect it and take it, and they leave you with no other option but them, or a very hard road.... they make you dependent on them emotionally, financially... its sad, its guys that are scum... and it makes me embaressed to be a guy sometimes...
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