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| | GROW UP ...You're Over 45Page 2 of 8 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8) | It never ceases to amaze me that the ONUS is placed upon the woman, in terms of morality and immorality......STILL..........in today's times. Instead of stoning a woman in the streets, as in biblical times, now we stone women on "open forums."
In addition, she has to be trusting? believe she's not being duped? She's supposed to be a mind-reader? All the while remaining positive about the character of men? Blindly trusting that he has INTEGRITY? When she becomes aware that she's been used, like a piece of meat, others on a open forum state that HE dumped her because HER sexual PERFORMANCE was inadequate? Or, they DELIGHT in the failure of the relationship? Perhaps, the men who have made these kind of judgements about women are men who have a LOW opinion about women?
There's seldom mention that a man should also be accountable, for his actions?
Do we still have the " Boys will be boys" and "All women are sluts" mentality?
Obviously, there is more to this than what the rest of us are aware.
You can say that again!
Muskoka........please note I've dropped the angel. Since, it's obvious SOME think I'm not. | |
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| GROW UP ...You're Over 45
Posted: 11/2/2007 7:52:16 AM | Is Sex not part of the deal when you get involved? would you buy a car sight un- seen?
lets be realistic here .. | |
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| GROW UP ...You're Over 45
Posted: 11/2/2007 8:01:30 AM |
He said ....he closed his eyes so he could just hear her voice and he made love to her to see if he could get past it
That statement is the worst thing I have ever herd a man say. If you meet someone in person and you know your not attracted to them then why try and get them in bed, unless that's the only thing you had planned in the first place. I for one can't do things that way, I would rather know there was at least a chance for a relation of some type. I must be too old fashioned now and cannot just jump into bed with someone, now when I was 18 or 20 something this would not be a problem. Just my view your mileage may vary. | |
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| GROW UP ...You're Over 45
Posted: 11/2/2007 8:13:11 AM | | steveracer, the example I cited has nothing to do with the OP but I was just trying to show that there are always other sides to a story. In the story I mentioned, they had become very close and he really did feel like he had fallen in love with her from their phone calls. He was very torn because he wanted so much for it to work and thought that making love to her would consummate the physical connection. It didn't. (PS. it has nothing to do with my mileage at all) | |
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| GROW UP ...You're Over 45
Posted: 11/2/2007 8:21:19 AM | Well Ms? I still think that in your friend's situation, one cannot simply "put" the
feeling there. And for him to make love to her trying to do so, is not fair to either one of them. I do feel for the poor bugger though, having thinking he had a total attachment every other way but physical. Then to have to let both of them down? Sad!
As far as Musky goes..Hell? Nail her to the cross? Are we all not on here trying to find someone? It didn't work out, so it didn't work out. To belittle her for trying seems terribly rude and shallow to me. None of us is perfect, right?
But alas, Musky's error was to put her thoughts out to the forums. Brave wee lass she is! If I was to post some of my expoits, a vast majority would "delight" in giving me what for! That's why I keep things close to my person and not for public ridicule! | |
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| GROW UP ...You're Over 45
Posted: 11/2/2007 8:26:12 AM | No one said that life is fair? We spin the wheel and take our chances, and where is it written that MEN aren't duped,used,judged on sex, or women who have a LOW opinion about men?
men just don't sit there and complain about it, THEY MOVE ON. It's all about attitude isn't it ? | |
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| GROW UP ...You're Over 45
Posted: 11/2/2007 8:30:44 AM | | ^^^Ok then. Please let me re-phrase what I said about it not being fair, the guy closing his eyes to make love to the women that he thought he was in love with. Sheesh, talk about hair splittin! It was not "right" that he thought he could force the love by forcing himself to make love to her. Is that better? And sure, I totally agree, both men and woman are duped all the time. I never indicated otherwise. Men don't sit and complain but move on? Come on now! Sure they do. Refer to all the "why didn't she want a nice guy" threads! We either male or female, can and do get hurt. Takes time to get over it. How we do it varies for sure. | |
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| GROW UP ...You're Over 45
Posted: 11/2/2007 8:37:23 AM | MG, it's not ALL the womans fault, BUT you did in fact say yes, so it takes two to tango, doesn't it?
As far as being slamed, lol, sorry but YOU put this out there, thats like droppin your drawers in front of a really p*ssed off bull, of course you'll not always read what you want, but as long as you put your life out for ALL to exam, then exspect should chit, you've been here long enough to know this.
It's hard for readers to REALLY know ALL that took place and what was said, the only thing we see is your side, I'm NOT saying your wrong, but I'm also not saying your right, because I DON"T know all the details.
All you did was ask for OPINIONS, and thats what your getting, whether you agree with them or not, they are in fact OUR opinions, right? | |
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| GROW UP ...You're Over 45
Posted: 11/2/2007 8:41:16 AM |
It never ceases to amaze me that the ONUS is placed upon the woman, in terms of morality and immorality......STILL..........in today's times. Instead of stoning a woman in the streets, as in biblical times, now we stone women on "open forums."
In addition, she has to be trusting? believe she's not being duped? She's supposed to be a mind-reader? All the while remaining positive about the character of men? Blindly trusting that he has INTEGRITY? When she becomes aware that she's been used, like a piece of meat, others on a open forum state that HE dumped her because HER sexual PERFORMANCE was inadequate? Or, they DELIGHT in the failure of the relationship? Perhaps, the men who have made these kind of judgements about women are men who have a LOW opinion about women?
There's seldom mention that a man should also be accountable, for his actions?
Do we still have the " Boys will be boys" and "All women are sluts" mentality?
Obviously, there is more to this than what the rest of us are aware.
You can say that again!
Muskoka........please note I've dropped the angel. Since, it's obvious SOME think I'm not.
Time to quit feeling sorry for yourself and move-on we have all been down that road. | |
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| GROW UP ...You're Over 45
Posted: 11/2/2007 8:42:48 AM | I am so sorry to hear that happened to you Muskoka. I'm not sure what I would be thinking if that were me.. Anyone can get sucked into a situation such as you described. What I really don't understand is the fact that you had a great weekend together. Seems like he is a player to me and you can do much better than that!!  | |
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| GROW UP ...You're Over 45
Posted: 11/2/2007 8:47:14 AM |
I am so sorry to hear that happened to you Muskoka. I'm not sure what I would be thinking if that were me.. Anyone can get sucked into a situation such as you described. What I really don't understand is the fact that you had a great weekend together. Seems like he is a player to me and you can do much better than that!!
when things don't work out, not only in MG's case but others, why are the men the Players, or is it like drivng a car "put a windshield in front of them and they go blind"? | |
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| GROW UP ...You're Over 45
Posted: 11/2/2007 9:00:30 AM | | ^^^Ummm did you miss this part? Let us not make this into a battle of the sexes issue please! | |
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| GROW UP ...You're Over 45
Posted: 11/2/2007 9:09:54 AM |
It never ceases to amaze me that the ONUS is placed upon the woman, in terms of morality and immorality......STILL..........in today's times. Instead of stoning a woman in the streets, as in biblical times, now we stone women on "open forums."
In addition, she has to be trusting? believe she's not being duped? She's supposed to be a mind-reader? All the while remaining positive about the character of men? Blindly trusting that he has INTEGRITY? When she becomes aware that she's been used, like a piece of meat, others on a open forum state that HE dumped her because HER sexual PERFORMANCE was inadequate? Or, they DELIGHT in the failure of the relationship? Perhaps, the men who have made these kind of judgements about women are men who have a LOW opinion about women?
There's seldom mention that a man should also be accountable, for his actions?
Do we still have the " Boys will be boys" and "All women are sluts" mentality?
It is very obvious that you had expectations which did not materialize and you are hurt. I think it is unfair to wash HIS laundry on a public forum while he has not said anything against you, in fact he has said nothing at all. On top of that, it is you that posted your side of the story for a public display and then do not like some opinions.
Sorry, but this is a chance you have to take when you bring a personal issue to public knowledge.
I am not sure how you got used, I don't think he had a gun pointed to your head making you sleep with him, you did of your own will. And YES, you did blindly trust a man's integrity, having not met him before. He can write and say anything he wants to, but it is up to you, using your life's experience, to weed out the facts from the fiction.
The question in my mind is how should he be "accountable for his actions"? What did he do that you didn't, other than just deciding not to pursue a relationship? Is he obligated to continue seeing anyone he may not be attracted to just because she slept with him.
And, talking about relationships, you seem to think that you HAD a relationship. How could you have had one with him if you have never met before?
The title of this thread seems to be very fitting for you too. I suggest you take your own advice for this instance. | |
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| GROW UP ...You're Over 45
Posted: 11/2/2007 9:18:57 AM | But alas, Musky's error was to put her thoughts out to the forums. Brave wee lass she is! If I was to post some of my exploits, a vast majority would "delight" in giving me what for! That's why I keep things close to my person and not for public ridicule!
This is the soundest advice and opinion, I've received on this thread. That and another poster who basically said that when you meet someone on-line you are taking a chance that they are not who they have portrayed themselves to be. And, to face that fact.
Upon reflection, I think this guy was counting on me to keep quiet. And, I did have others who had met him, telling me what a great guy he is.So, he came with recommendations.
Are we all not trying to find someone?
Well, I'm not trying to find anyone online anymore...........I'll rely on my instincts and intuition....in the real world.
I may misread someone face to face..........but I stand a better chance of figuring out what his agenda really is when I can see the colour of his eyes and if they're darting furtively over his shoulder.
Muskoka | |
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| GROW UP ...You're Over 45
Posted: 11/2/2007 9:19:04 AM | OP: What do I think? I think you didn't use very good judgment and got hurt.
No matter how long you converse with someone on-line, that's not real life.
The real, "how do you feel about each other", "is this going to work" starts once you actually meet.
This means if you meet for a first date and have sex, there is no more chance that it's going to work out than if you have sex with ANYONE on a first date.
I don't know what religion has to do with this. I've met "good churchgoers" who are morally bankrupt, and athiests that would try to find the owner of a dime they'd found on the street (the reverse, of course, also applies).
There is nothing that replaces good radar, a little healthy skepticism and caution, and getting to know a person IRL before hopping in the sack.
If I were you, I'd chalk the whole mess up to experience, forget I ever knew the guy -- but also learn from what happened so there wouldn't be a repeat occurrence.
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| GROW UP ...You're Over 45
Posted: 11/2/2007 9:37:00 AM |
Well, I'm not trying to find anyone online anymore...........I'll rely on my instincts and intuition....in the real world.
I may misread someone face to face..........but I stand a better chance of figuring out what his agenda really is when I can see the colour of his eyes and if they're darting furtively over his shoulder.
Using an online dating site is just a method of meeting someone. Its like meeting someone at a bar....you don't know anything about the person....in fact you probably know more from talking to them online than meeting in a bar. But really you have to meet and not spend hours investing emotions into something when you have no clue if you will be physically compatible. The problem with spending a lot of time with emails and phone calls is that you are under the impression that you are learning all about the person but it depends on the person. Some people are completely open but a lot keep their negatives ( and everyone has negatives) hidden. It can give you a false sense of security.
This poem is posted a lot in these kind of forums but honestly there is a lot to be said for the sentiment behind it.
COMES THE DAWN
After awhile you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul.
And you learn that love doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats with you head up and your eyes open.
With the grace of maturity, not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build all your roads on
Today because tommorow's ground is too uncertain for plans,
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After awhile you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong
And that you really do have worth.
And you learn and learn and learn ....
With every goodbye you learn.
-Veronica A. Shoftstall | |
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| GROW UP ...You're Over 45
Posted: 11/2/2007 9:37:12 AM | Nice post msSuirrly maybe that is the case in this situation.
It is always sad when things don't work out. I once drove 6 hours to meet someone. I got more excited by every mile. When we did meet ,there just wasn't any spark at all. I can't explain it, it just did not happen. We both really tryed to to make the on line realationship a reality. | |
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| GROW UP ...You're Over 45
Posted: 11/2/2007 10:24:42 AM | | He's the perfect example of a player, just that simple. A really good player will do whatever it takes and as long as it takes to get what he wants. He played you well and you got sucked into it. I've fell into those traps myself several times and it's not a good feeling. Yep, as sad as it is even church people do this to each other.But life goes on.................pick your chin up and forget about this guy. | |
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| GROW UP ...You're Over 45
Posted: 11/2/2007 10:36:06 AM | MG: as on the "other site" I said I'm sorry this has happened to you. But when you put this type of situation in an open forum you are a target. Just like me or anyone else who posts in forums. I truly am sorry for you investment of time and emotions and that you are feeling so hurt. But, you have to remember that you are half of the equation. Your decisions are your alone, and although we women tend to think with our hearts and not our heads, we get hurt more than not. Funny how he wanted you to keep it all quiet during those 10 months of communicating....if I were that close emotionally and not just as a friend to someone, I'd want to shout it from the rooftops. That's probably a lesson for all of us. If someone is asking you to keep your "relationship" (no matter if it's virtual, phone or "in person") quiet....then something is amiss. Even Bill Clinton suffered (but not enough in my opinion) by asking Monica to keep quiet. And now we know far too much about that story, and perhaps yours.
However, it does remind that ANYONE can be ANYBODY they want to be on the phone and on the computer.
And don't give up your angel because someone doesn't think you are one. That is giving away too much power to someone. Just like your entire 10 month affair........you were guided into a loss of yourself and power over what you wanted. But you allowed it....we are treated the way we allow people to treat us. Control yourself and don't allow others to make you stop doing something you enjoy or like. Just be you. And look for real happiness...not the virtual crap that goes around here.
oncelucid | |
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| GROW UP ...You're Over 45
Posted: 11/2/2007 11:10:37 AM | One thing you might consder is the opening paragraph of your original post. After 10 months of sometimes putting him off, you agreed to meet. You admitted you weren't sure about how you felt. The choice to have sex or not to was made, I assune before the two of you discussed actually being in a relationship? That is a confusing point in your post. In one sentence you admit you weren't sure how you felt about him, you were in a relationship in the next sentence.
The choice to have sex or not to was made, I assune before the two of you discussed actually being in a relationship? That is a confusing point in your post. In one sentence you admit you weren't sure how you felt about him, you were in a relationship in the next sentence. I wonder if two adults had not mutually consented to having sex during the first meeting would you be complaining that he played you after not wanting to continue seeing you after only one weekend?
If you discussed together an exclusive relationship, he's in the wrong. If not, it seems he may be getting blamed for assumptions you made. | |
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| GROW UP ...You're Over 45
Posted: 11/2/2007 11:25:36 AM |
There is nothing that replaces good radar, a little healthy skepticism and caution, and getting to know a person IRL before hopping in the sack.
Hear, hear!
And don't give up your angel because someone doesn't think you are one. That is giving away too much power to someone. Just like your entire 10 month affair........you were guided into a loss of yourself and power over what you wanted. But you allowed it....we are treated the way we allow people to treat us.
Very wise counsel. | |
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| GROW UP ...You're Over 45
Posted: 11/2/2007 12:06:55 PM | " For some time, I put him off. I finally agreed to meet him. He asked me " Are you sure?" I replied " NO........but eventually agreed and WANTED to meet him. I had developed a relationship with him."
Muskota I'm not bashing you, but obviously you had doubts about this man at some time. Perhaps you should have trusted your instincts and not allow this relationship to develope past the point of emails and phone calls.
I'm not trying to justify his actions, or yours for that matter. You are both adults and what happened is due to both of your actions. I think you need to chock it up to experience and let it go. You are just wasting more time on someone who wasn't worth the time you already "invested".
Perhaps you would feel better if you read your profile about the why its good to be single. | |
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| GROW UP ...You're Over 45
Posted: 11/2/2007 12:18:54 PM |
For some time, I put him off. I finally agreed to meet him. He asked me " Are you sure?" I replied " NO........but eventually agreed and WANTED to meet him. I had developed a relationship with him.
sometimes, we don't get what we want, but we get what we need, from that old Stones song...maybe you needed a sexual interlude (sexual sorbet) & if you take it as that, you will be able to move on & meet your real Mr. Right! | |
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| GROW UP ...You're Over 45
Posted: 11/2/2007 12:39:59 PM | "What would you do or think? If you were me?"
This was the question asked by the OP.
She did not ask anyone's opinion on her actions with this man, during their
weekend together.
She wanted to know how we would feel, what we would do , if the same situation happened to us. If we were treated like this by someone we had cared about. Someone we thought cared about us.
Muskoka,
I am sorry this happened to you. It realy sucks, but it is the chance we take with
meeting new people. Whether those people are met through on-line services or in
real life, this can happen.
I am also sorry that people were not more sympathetic with you here.
But as we have all learned, when we put something out on these forums, chances
are, responses are not going to be easy all the time.
OT
What I would do, is try to learn by this, and put him and your hurt feelings behind you, as best as you can.
I would think, it is better to learn the type of person he is now, than to find out
months down the road.
The right thing , would have been , for him to let you know about these other issues, and that they were a deal breaker for him, sooner rather than later.
But he didnt, he waited until the weekend was over.
And in my opinion that was wrong.
But we live and we learn.
Again, I am so sorry that this happened to you, and I have learned, by your example that my carefulness, is justified when dealing with new people. | |
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| GROW UP ...You're Over 45
Posted: 11/2/2007 12:51:48 PM | To the poster who said this:
I’ve been talking with folks on this Internet thingie since it first started. I learned years ago that often times the most popular people in a “room” may seem great while there but are certainly not the best choice to take home. I'm right with you on that one!!! I so agree.
OP, what you've hopefully learned from this is....
1. to not be so dang slow to actually meet someone with whom you feel an interest!!
2. don't have sex on the first date, (you get hurt too easily)!!
and
3. maybe to not "kiss and tell" in an open forum?
Sorry it didn't work out.
An online fantasy buildup can hurt when it crashes down. | |
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