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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/15/2007 6:17:44 AM |
Now this is funny. lol I do agree that everyone needs time to get past their bad relationship, I wonder if that means as soon as everyone is divorced they are automatically healed?
I would say that even if the ink is dry on the divorce papers does at the same time the emotional luggage also happen to be null and void that quickly too at the signing?
It's interesting too how some will say the marriage was over a long time ago while still being married, really, and act like for some it never happened.
I think you need to stop with the labels, and realize that everyone heals differently I have a good friend who has been divorced for 10 years, and still brings up the past w/her ex
We all have some friends like that and yes some can't let it go.
From personal experience in dating a separated woman, if you are into to all the melodrama which will come out I realize that with this person a chance of a relationship would be fruitless at best before the emotional healing , yet I know there are some who can stow it all away in their recessing thinking as if to wash there hands and hopefully not to come out later. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/15/2007 6:31:46 AM | | Commited dont mean married that comes if both people want it, it means that two people are commited to each other and if they are separated they cant really commit 100%. 50% or 70% is not a commited realtionship this is just a fanncy, 100% means you are commited to your bf or gf and thier is very litle contact with exs where thier is alot to deal with the spouse of a separated person. When thier is childeren involed people understand that you have to deal with the ex to some extent but that even puts a strain on any realtionship as the bf or gf will wounder if you will go back. Separated is not single it means you still have a spouse to deal with. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/15/2007 2:17:21 PM | Perhaps the real reason many women won't date separated guys is that they won't have a shot at the guy's assets unless they can marry him! 
(Some people may even believe this, and for some women this may even be true.) | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/15/2007 2:26:15 PM |
Perhaps the real reason many women won't date separated guys is that they won't have a shot at the guy's assets unless they can marry him!
you are cracking me up! Assets? These times seems finding a guy who pays HIS own bills on time and doesn't try to cheapsckate and freeload is a rarity, let alone assets..
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/15/2007 2:27:59 PM | | Ohmigosh! Funny this post jumped out at me today! I met with a gentleman I met on this site just a few days ago, had advertised himself as single, and turns out has been "separated" for four years! Whats that about? All I can say is been there, done that. Never again, too much drama when wifey is involved. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/15/2007 2:33:05 PM | | Thank you, Red N Blue, excellent point. There are lots of men out there trying to take advantage of a woman that is financially secure, i.e. my ex-husband! | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/15/2007 4:12:49 PM | Since ive been on both sides of the fence, i might as well add my two cents. I was seperated for 8 years before i finally got a divorce. Number one reason was finance, number two the only thing a divorce paper did for me, would allow me to get married again. So i don't rule out someone who has been separated but i do have a rule that they have had to be separated for two years. That way i feel , i would not be a rebound girl. I think to base whether you date someone without knowing all the facts is not fair. So my suggestion is to find out somethings about the separation and about the person your thinking about dating before you just let a piece of paper stand in your way.
happy fishing | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/15/2007 7:39:39 PM | You're not alone at all in that opinion. I think it depends on each given situation, there are many shades of separation, some couples separate and don't bother with the divorce till one of them wants to re-marry. Others are going thru the divorce, and are emotionally as well as physically separated, and there is NO chance of them getting back together which is what I think is the major concern of most women. I've dated a few separated women and didn't have a problem with it.
But when I was able to finally change my profile from separated to divorced, I got a LOT more responses to my profile!
I can't say I'd blame anyone though for not wanting to take the added risk involved, there are enough risks in dating already. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/15/2007 7:47:35 PM | Nah, guys are notorious for wanting to find replacements a.s.a.p.
I've dated separated/divorced women in the past and it's a hoot if you want to have to listen to lots of vents regarding the process, their attorneys, their exes... you know, all those wonderful topics that actually have a place in a budding new relationship. Not.
So now I don't do "separated" either, unless they've been separated quite a long time, but even then I have to ask, what's holding things up?
Those guys tell you that you're biased not because you're biased but because you're not giving them what they want... namely, you. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/16/2007 6:02:26 AM |
So now I don't do "separated" either, unless they've been separated quite a long time, but even then I have to ask, what's holding things up?
It's called power,money and property, it's like 2 punch drunk fighters trying to get that last swing in at it's opponent and who will outlast who.
I was lucky in mine, less than a year and it went down 50/50 so all that energy and mental anguish as minimal.
I was separated once and did not date, I had family,friends,etc when need to be consoled.
I'm no white knight to save the damsel in distress, I will give a helping hand but not to get involved emotionally or put myself in that position,just leave that to the professionals and let time single to heal first. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/16/2007 6:42:22 AM | Live is messy enough ~ no ! you are not wrong,
Seperated means you are on the fence
People who are seperated ~ are upset and confused and yes~ they do need a good friend and maybe even a good romp, ~ but does it have to be you?
If it not for the possibility of children, ~ or whats worst ~ one on the way and the lieing
or denial ~ the prospects might be worth considering. ~
It would be a very special person ~ that I'd consider involvment.
You in for a penny~ you are in for a pound !
~dar | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/16/2007 7:17:44 AM | Re: Post #14 - Flowers from the Fire - I must admit that I have not read all 10 pages of this thread, however in skimming through a great many of posts on this subject - I have to agree with Flowers comments. I am separated - I have been physicaly separated for 2 years now, I have mentally been separated for years before that. I have absolutly NO intentions of returning to the life that I had with my ex. Thus far, my legal bill is over $3,000. that is just for my lawyer, so add at least that much for his. We have finally after 2 years gotten our Legal Separation Agreement finalized, it has not been by my choice that this process has taken this long.
What is the difference between separated & married - it can be many things to many people, i certainly can understand that. But I do not like to be placed into a category of "do not go within 500 miles of" because of the lack of speed in our legal system, and the fact that as much as I fight, my ex is still a procrastinator.
I have done my grieving, I have done my fighting & venting, I am wanting to enter back into the world of dating. Should I lie on my Profile - NO, I wont do that - I consider myself to be truthfull & honest. Yes, I may be entering into the world of adultery - but I feel that my life has been placed on hold long enough, and if a man doesn't want to at least take the time to find out who I am, and what my individual situation is - only because they see me as still married - then I guess that is his loss. LOL
We are all individuals - we come in different sizes, shapes, colours, and unfortunatly I guess that our marital status is one more "label" for us to have.
jmho | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/16/2007 8:46:32 AM | From what I understand, in some states/countries a period of legal separation is required before a legal divorce will be granted. In some places that can require a few months to a year or even up to 18-months of separation before one can file for divorce. Luckily, here in Arizona they call it a "waiting period" of 60-days. During this time, the paperwork IS in progress, but generally takes a minimum of 60-90 days to work its way through the court system and that 60-90 days is part of the waiting period.
When I divorced 4 years ago, I filed in early September and the divorce was final just before Christmas. The main hold-up was getting the ex to take the time to go to the court-required parenting class (how kids adjust to divorce). But this was a "no fault" divorce which many states do not recognize, separation of assetts & child support was agreed on by both parties early into the proceedings, so there was no need to drag things out.
I asked my lawyer if we should just file for legal separation or go for the divorce. His advice was that since A) statistics state that over 80% of separated couples DO NOT reconcile and, B) legal fees are involved with a separation AND again when filing for the divorce....so why not just save the money and time, do it all at once and get it over with?
Seemed reasonable to me. Why drag out the pain and frustration a second time?
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/17/2007 9:26:26 AM | | I don't agree at all with most of you. There is absoulutely nothing wrong with being separated. If you are looking to marry your new person, then yes, I can see where it would make a difference, but at my age, it does not matter. I won't ever marry again, that however does not mean that I won't fall in love and I amlooking for someone right now to make me feel in love again. It just did not work before, but for whatever reason's we have decided to remain married until either one of us finds someone they think they want to marry again. Why have all the turmoil when it is not necessary yet? Good grief, a little piece of paper, either way, has not stopped marriages from going bad or people from still falling for other people, get real, live, stop putting up barriers where there is none. If someone says they are separated, they usually are, if not you will be able to see the signals right away that either there heart is not into it, or just maybe they really ;are not into you. Live and let live... | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/17/2007 9:52:22 AM | no, it's a fine choice. you filter people from the large crowd to a smaller target group.
I would say you exclude more worthy people anyway....
- what about those living 76 miles from you?
-or the once that smoke 1 packet of cigarette during a full week?
so...you made some citerias, I hope the right ones
if you m ake too strict criterias, you end up lonely | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/17/2007 10:10:07 AM | Disagree. I guess it depends on your goals. If you need just anyone (a warm body) to do anything (hang out, chat etc) then why have any criteria at all. But if you look for something serious, why set it up for failure in the 1st place? And please, 76 miles... That's one thing. Stuff like "separated" is totally another thing. I think that would not be such an issue for me personally if "separated" really meant - not living together, over, done with. Oftentimes I found that 'separated" is only in persons mind (had a fight with a spouse, she's in another room, he's hurt and looking for a date - came across people like that) or "separated" people are still under the same roof and in an "open' marriage. That means they are neither here nor there, and using 'separation" as the reason from committing to someone else.
If "separated" works for some and some found mates like that - great, but for OP (as well as myself) it is something we don't want to take chances with. Anything wrong with that? Like anything, it's a personal choice and it happens to make a lot of sense. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/17/2007 1:41:08 PM | "There have been many posts added after mine and the two simple questions I asked have not been answered by anyone who agrees with cyn3100. Has anyone here who is now divorced, ever dated anyone while they themselves were separated??? Will anyone admit to it? Just curious."
Sure. I separated in October 06. We filed for divorce in March 07. The divorce became final in October o7.
I was dating while separated. Some of the women I dated were separated too, others divorced and still others never married. All were aware of my status.
I certainly understand that some men consider themselves to be "separated" if they have spent a night on the couch. But in my case we knew as soon as we separated that we were not going to reconcile. If someone decided that they didn't want to date me because I was only separated and therefore "still married" and thought that I "belonged to someone else" in the eyes of the law, that was there problem, not mine. There were plenty of fish that were willing to go out for coffee, dinner, a drink and more with me, despite my legal status.
It is one's emotional availability that counts. Mine is what it is. Nothing changed in that regard when the divorce became final.
On the other hand, the divorce process is difficult. People who are already divorced know that. People who have never married do not understand that in the same way. I can certainly understand those who do not want to become involved with someone who is still in the process. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/17/2007 9:07:22 PM | I was separated, the announcement of ex- wanting out was a big surprise . Within 2 weeks I moved 1300 miles away. Little less than 6 months later we were officially divorced (just sent the signed papers by mail, no property disputes, no kids). I have dated during the separated period, but in retrospect I have to say I was not a "relationship material" during that time at all. I would not date me for sure Luckily I have not caused any heartbreak.. at least I am not aware of, except of my own. But got involved too soon with a wrong person (yes, a pseudo-"separated" guy). Unlike me he was not separated from his spouse by 1300 miles, but only by his own imagination. Double whammy. Learned my lesson.  | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/17/2007 9:12:46 PM | No one can force you or judge you for having this preference. I too would not date someone that were separated. They are still tied into this person/marriage in some shape or form.
Just close that chapter and get it finalized, says I.
Best,
 | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/18/2007 12:57:59 PM | Wow, I don't think that you could have worded this any better. I totally agree. Everyone has thier reasons. I too am seperated right now, and my biggest concern is not so much for the piece of paper stating that my marriage is over, but the well being of my kids and the changes in thier lives. Isn't it a parents goal to make everything the best for them. I totally agree that I would rather not have all the legal issues that will effect them too and have a lengthy seperation process that we can handle as civilly as possible.
The bottom line is definitely, that you have to set your standards that you want in another partner and not sit in judgement of another person's "unfinished business" without know all the details. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/18/2007 1:06:30 PM | I agree with you ~ I used to be open minded regarding 'separated' ~ why would someone possibly want to move on and date another if they were thinking there still might be a chance?
I got burned ~ i dated this 'separated' guy for 6months and then his wife called me at home ~ they had been reconciling the WHOLE time we were dating...can you say yuck! he thought he was smart tho but didn't count on my meeting his wife for a coffee and then we (his wife and I) paid him a visit together...
on another note ~ my ex and I were separated ~ again working on reconciliation when I found out about his girlfriend...oye ~
Now, if you're not separated/single/widowed, I never give a second look ~ I firmly believe there is a reason that final step has not been taken... | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/18/2007 1:53:54 PM | I have been separated for 3 years now because my wife had to move back to her home country after graduating with her masters degree via a USAID scolarship with a stipulation that she must work for her home country government for a minimum of two years before she would be allowed to return to the U.S.
She was not able to get a job with her government because it's corrupt and nepotism (hiring friends/relatives) is the primary factor for how they hire people. She ended up getting a job with an insurance company in her home country and has fallen in love with someone else since we've been separated for so long and she needs close companionship. I have been celibate the entire 3 years but I understand because she desires companionship because she is a little co-dependent for human contact. She has asked for a divorce a couple of months ago, however I have not paid for the proceedings just yet because I'm underpaid at my job. I'm currently looking for a higher paying position at which time I get a new job, I will be filing the divorce papers.
So... we have moved on from our previous relationship and I want her to be happy, I'm hoping for some companionship myself since I've been technically single and celibate for 3 years. Should I be denied being with someone because of some paperwork? I think that's rediculous because to us, we know that it's completely over. She has settled in with somebody in Europe and I am alone.
I have an excellent job prospect and will be "officially" divorced soon, yet I feel that it's ok for me to seek a new ompanion, falling in love, and possibly marrying again someday. In our hearts we do still care for each other and we were friends before being married, therefore she will always be my friend and I will respect her even if she is with someone else and has moved on but it's time for me to move on as well and if marriage is paperwork in a government office to many of you, then while I don't agree with it, I feel that marriage is a commitment in each other's hearts. If that love cannot be shared by forced separation then the two people must move on with their lives.
I need to stop being alone, it's not that much fun. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/18/2007 2:59:35 PM |
I won't ever marry again
If someone separated said this to me I'd be wondering why they want to remain married if it's an experience they don't want to re-live?
for whatever reason's we have decided to remain married until either one of us finds someone they think they want to marry again.
I've heard this many times from separated men but can't help feeling it is a poor excuse for remaining tied to someone who is no longer supposed to be a part of their life. I figure if the relationship is truly over then it makes sense to move on and sever all ties. Bottom line: "separated" means you are not free and clear, so why should someone who is, be expected to get involved with someone who isn't? That's just asking for trouble in my experience. Been there, done that and would never go there again.
Why have all the turmoil when it is not necessary yet?
If you think it's going to be turmoil when neither one of you has found someone who you think you want to marry, imagine how much worse the process will be when there is a third party involved and one of you now has a vested interest in getting the divorce ASAP. Divorces can bring out the worst in couples who initially agreed to be amicable when they split, especially when there is pressure due to a new love interest. It's surprising how people/feelings can change at the drop of a hat. I'd say better to get the divorce while you're still getting along. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/18/2007 3:56:47 PM | | Hey egmegalith, having been there done that, I can't see your opinion. If you really need to be re-married, you know it's not out of the realm of possibility. Ohhh wait a minute, being re-married doesn't mean you've forgotten your ex. My 11 year old (at the time) told me something that needs consideration. I really don't know if it's based on FACT. She said her teacher told her," in this whole world, there are two PERFECT matches for everyone". In this whole world!! IF your first wife was the right one, what are the chances you'll find the OTHER " right one". If she wasn't the right one, aren't you emotionally available for the right one? or shouldn't you be? Hang on, maybe while you were separated the RIGHT one passed you by because you were "unavailable". Tragic for both of you. Shouldn't we just take one another at face value and see where it goes? I hate to think I've lost the love of my life because I'm not "divorced". Then again, if she thinks that way, she's probably not the one. I'm terribly picky on who'll be my next partner. I continue to date, but having met, I normally decide quickly if there's chemistry. I don't take it to the next level unless I feel that way. Personally, I don't really care if she's divorced or separated. At my age, she's not likely single, but let's not forget the many who choose common law. | |
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