| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/18/2007 4:05:56 PM | Hey Red_N_Blue.
You're so totally right. there are exceptions to the rule. I just hope that I'm the kind of exception that I am, and not the kind of exception that Liz. Taylor has so obviously been. Come on. Divorced by no means is a guarantee that you are, or ever were emotionally available. I have a very good friend who simply is not used to being on her own. The result, she's in and out of several semi-long term relationships. Does it mean she's dedicated to her man? Or dedicated to having a man? | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/18/2007 4:33:23 PM | The bottom line is definitely, that you have to set your standards that you want in another partner and not sit in judgement of another person's "unfinished business" without know all the details.
Who do you expect them to take care of bussiness at hand when you still have unfinished bussiness to take care of its all most like leading them on til;l you feel ready and what do they get if you dont feel ready with them but some one else as you have been dating others. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/20/2007 1:40:47 AM | [ln my eyes and in the eyes of the law "separated=still married" and l don't date married women... Have standards dropped so low that one can happily fornicate around with someone else's spouse. A sad reflection on todays society ]
Funny you should mention standards and fonicate in the same sentance. Um, relationship, hello. Divorce is a sad reflection of todays society. There are more and more each day. Aren't used to that yet? Here in South Carolina we have to be separated for over one year. And unlike other states where divorce is done with a couple hundred dollars they talk like fifteen hundred for an easy one. I know, savings? Nope she got that. I am accepting donations.  | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/21/2007 12:20:01 AM | | I just finalized my divorce in May. We were "separated" for 9 months until things got approved by the judge. There was NEVER any chace of us reuniting....then or now! I ca see why some women would shy away from a person who lists it in their profile.....with all the manwhores out there trolling for some side action on these sites. No offense taken here ladies! | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/21/2007 1:08:56 AM | Not every situation is the same so I tend to disagree with the "easily can obtain a divorce" not all things are that easy...I have been separated for awhile. The last 2 1/2 yrs have been spent arguing over children..and currently in a situation where the courts will have to decide what happens...Staying separated is not a safe zone to all, not for me at least..its staying separated until you can agree to terms of children that are too young to decide their own future. In a perfect world people would marry for all the right reasons & remain together forever and if not divorce would be easy with no arguments, total agreement & people wouldnt have to be "separated" but we dont live in that world
I cant imagine anyone that would separate just to fool around..wth is the meaning of marriage if thats the case ..
I am more than emotionally ready to begin my life, move on ...so before you judge or think about talking to someone separated either just for friends ....or more if the person wants that...you should check out the big picture and find out why they are "separated" | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/22/2007 9:17:13 AM | | I think you are right on with you view of things. And this is coming from a guy that is separated. I wouldn't date me for anything serious ! And anyone that would, I would have serious questions about! There is no way my frame of mind is ready for a new relastionshipe yet. There is lots of healing to do, and it is best done alone! So anything more then friends right now would be a bad idea!!! | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/27/2007 8:43:25 AM | People can do what they want but it can be harsh to have judgement cast upon you when the other person knows nothing about you. I put separated because that's the truth, plain and simple. I haven't been with the ex in over 3 years... but people don't care to find that out. Do people really and truly understand the grieving period of separation? I mean for me year one went by in a haze, I can't really remember it. Year 2 I really grieved and hated being alone and did everything possible to take my mind off not being together. By the beginning of year 3, I started to feel alive again and was getting over whatever it was that i couldn't let go... now to the point where I am truly free in my mind. I'm finally to a point where I am willing to take the risks associated with getting out there and dating... I'm healthy again as I like to say and am in a state of mind where I want to see who's out there and see what can happen. I wasn't in this state of mind for a long time and I'm extremely happy with me.
So in my situation I didn't want to proceed with the divorce for my own reasons at the beginning... then I changed cities a couple of times in between and now in the state of mind where I want to meet someone else... and yes the divorce proceedings are finally getting started. My only advice to anyone out there is to keep an open mind and get to know people before judging them. I don't see any bigger chance of a separated person going back to ther ex as someone who was in a long term relationship who just never got legally married. Same risk in my opinion.
Okay, I'm off my soap box. Have a great day everyone!  | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/27/2007 9:00:10 AM | Marriage is a legal contract. Separation is suspension of the contract until such time as the final financial allocations can be completed. Often marriage involves an emotional component, but once the emotional attachment is gone, there is only the legal and financial aspects left for the state to resolve between the parties - the state cannot regulate the emotional content. Once these conditions are met, the state legally recognizes the termination of partnership.
Separation is like the breakdown of any business partnership - once it happens, the parties are no longer doing business together except to close down operations. The parties are free to explore other partnerships and business opportunities, but may not enter into a new binding contract until the prior is officially terminated. They may make good or bad decisions based on prior experience, but each case is unique.
People seem to want to treat marriage as some "msystical" state, but it is simply another contract with the same kinds of opportunities and pitfalls, IMO. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/27/2007 9:01:59 AM |
When a relationship becomes a bit more serious and developed, then you have to accept his past and present as well as his future.
But that's just it. Until there are legal documents finalizing the marriage," there IS no "future." There is only "limbo." Most people don't want to live in limbo. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/30/2007 10:36:34 AM | Dear Cabindude,
I dated a man 2 years ago, that went back to his wife, after being separated for 5 years!
That was it for me in terms of dating separated men.
Just met another man on POF and told him I was not interested in someone who is seaprated.
Anyway, after many emails etc. he convinvced me his marriage was over. So I took a risk, only to learn that yes he was separated but it was very recent and just embarking on the details of his separation, which was not looking amicable. Such as, he stopped calling after explaining his woes.
This is very disheartening and I'm annoyed with myself for allowing this to happen.
So there you have two very recent stories about why I will not date a man who is separated.
If it's over, it's over...............either single or divorced for me.
Thanks | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/30/2007 10:44:56 AM | | No. you,re not!The most hurtful relationships i have had were with separated men.THey need time to have their flings and get over their separation/divorce before they should think about another long term relationship. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 6/30/2009 11:48:49 PM | If you think that is over stateing the problems of dating someone who is Seperated then you obviously have no idea how difficult it is to defend yourself if the person you are involved with has a spouse that commits suicide, or is murdered, or commits some kind of crime. Or has a spouse, family members, emplyees, or even gang members that decide to punish you for " messing " with "their " spouse.
I feel sorry for people who have complicated divorces because of co-mingled finances, pre-existing health conditions , or don't want to destroy the family finances by forced sales of property or businesses but I did not create that problem for them and I don't need to be a second class lover when there are plenty of SINGLE people available. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 7/1/2009 12:15:49 AM | Nah can't say I care for that program.
What I do care for are the people who ended up on the opposite side of my social work desk because they got caught up in a drama with a married/seperated lover and the angry , imature, maybe selfish spouses and others . Divorce is catestrophic for many and they are not going to accept it with out a fight. Innocent victims who lost their jobs, houseing, and even their freedom, not to mention catestrophic injuries, or the death of their parent or adult child because they did Not avoid the drama that a simple choice to not date someone seperated could have made. Sometimes stupid choices are forever. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 7/1/2009 4:49:31 AM | Not judging others, just my observation:
Several separated posters have spoken about the grief and the recovery during a separation and all that is needed is for the paperwork to be finished. EVERYONE I have met who went this route, had another emotional change when the paperwork was finished. It is not just as simple as papers signed. The finality of it can cause a review of the pain.
I stand by my choice to not date separated. To those who are separated and those who are willing to date separated--I hope you find each other and are happy. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 8/16/2009 4:32:47 AM | | hi was quite interested in your message not all men who are seperated still see there wives i have my own house my ex lives somewhere else i dont know where and not bothered either i really dont think you can stay friends with an ex,i have been seperated now for nearly 3 years and wouldnt ever go back i have no ill feeling towards her. the last words i got from her was im holding you for 5 yers so no divorce. i believe you have to move forward and never go back im sure a lot of ladies wouldnt agree with me but everyone has there own views . | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 8/16/2009 1:22:30 PM | I agree with you Cyn. Seperated these days means so many different things to people. It can mean oh my wife and I are just taking a break tonight 
Yeah I want paperwork too. It is way to easy for someone that is "seperated" to go back to their spouse. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 8/16/2009 1:37:29 PM |
Separation is like the breakdown of any business partnership - once it happens, the parties are no longer doing business together except to close down operations. The parties are free to explore other partnerships and business opportunities, but may not enter into a new binding contract until the prior is officially terminated. They may make good or bad decisions based on prior experience, but each case is unique As you said, they cannot enter into a new binding contracts until the prior is officially terminated, therefore they are legally still bound to the parternership until dissolved by Law. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 8/16/2009 1:38:54 PM | | OP: I hear you. I had a relationship once with a man separated with children. We tried to do the right things to respect the children but it was really a bunch of B.S. Never again. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 8/16/2009 1:55:37 PM | FLowers from the fire writes: I am completely done with my marriage, i have been legally separated for over 4.5 years. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that i will never, NEVER, reunite with my ex. I haven't felt married since the day i told him i thought it was time we ended our marriage. I took a long time coming to that conclusion, i'm pretty sure i grieved the marriage for many months before i made that choice.
Okay. I know what you posted was a long time ago but I am curious. How can you be "single" if you were married? At least that is what you have listed on your profile. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 8/16/2009 2:02:43 PM |
Several separated posters have spoken about the grief and the recovery during a separation and all that is needed is for the paperwork to be finished. EVERYONE I have met who went this route, had another emotional change when the paperwork was finished. It is not just as simple as papers signed. The finality of it can cause a review of the pain.
I stand by my choice to not date separated. To those who are separated and those who are willing to date separated--I hope you find each other and are happy.
I, second.
Not only do they need to have that final decree, but in addition, the added time to hash through the re-visiting of that pain that is caused by the finality of "Signed, sealed, and Delivered OVER .
Too often, over doesn't really mean over. And, in some cases, far from over and steeped in denial about it, ta boot.
So, no... I don't do Separated, either, OP.
Must be divorced, and then some. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 8/16/2009 8:30:26 PM | | In my opinion NO you aren't wrong!!! Several months after my divorce I was in a relationship with a man who claimed he was separated. One of the worst mistakes I ever made in my life. Several months in to the relationship I found out that he wasn't separated and had no intentions of ever being separated from his wife. Relationship OVER!!! Lesson learned for me. I WON'T go down that road again. I know the heartache that can be caused when your spouse cheats on you, I don't ever want to be the cause of someone else going through that heartache. If a man isn't 100% single then he's wasting his time with me. I don't need the turmoil. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 8/17/2009 6:25:36 PM | | Thank you for writing this...I too am separated and its called Collabrative Law for financial reasons,health reasons, (keeping health insurance) etc. It is a legal and binding agreement and all affairs are settled except final signature. Not everyone who is separated wants to play around or is going back with their X ...its a matter of whats best for both parties involved.. lets clear up some ignorance on here! Take each individual for who they are and use your mind to sort through the facts.. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 8/17/2009 9:33:40 PM | | There is a big difference between a legal separation and just separated. The legal part means 'honey, I ain't coming back' but we have reasons for keeping it in tact--I guess in your area, you can have rights to some things. In my state, legal separation dissolves your claim to the spouse's assets and insurance--it simply means you are married in name only. I guess it varies from state to state. | |
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