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Show ALL Forums  > Broken Hearts  > I don't do "separated"...      Home login  
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 tony3124
Joined: 5/19/2007
Msg: 26
I don't do separated...Page 2 of 15    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15)
I think the majority of the people on this site are way off base when it comes to someone being separated. How many even bother to ask the person why they are separated? As soon as they see that word in your profile, you're done. As you can see from reading some of the posts, there are people who have been separated for many years and they have reasons for it. I wonder how many people who are divorced now, dated when they were separated? How many would admit it? I do not know one single person who was separated and actually got back together with their spouse and it worked.
If you give a separated person a chance, you should easily be able to determine if they are still connected to their spouse. Do they hide you from their kids, their family, social functions or not wanting to be seen in their local area with you? Can you call their cell and home phone number? If it doesn't feel right, you will know it. Otherwise, you could be passing up the person you have been looking for.
 Nona37
Joined: 10/3/2007
Msg: 27
I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 7:15:32 AM
No offense, but who cares why they are seperated? The fact of the matter is, they are, which means still legally belonging to someone else, and if there are kids involved, that makes it even worse. I feel no matter the reasoning that someone should get their house in order before they jump out onto the dating scene and trying to involve people in their own dysfunction, I say.....get rid of the drama, meaning,,,get a divorce and then date other people, besides, if a man/woman is doing this to their spouse, no matter the reasoning, they will do it to you as well, so hats off to the women/men who do not even bother with this obvious dysfunciton, and by the way, people will always have excuses why they are still married, I personally do not care for the excuses, it is what it is and no thank you, especially when I can be dating someone who does not have these obvious issues.
 anyoneoutthier
Joined: 3/19/2007
Msg: 28
I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 7:32:28 AM
I am glad to see that alot of people feel the same way i do separated is still married, people say it takes along time to get a divorce but if you reallt wanted it you can get it even if the other does not want to corperate. I look at it that they either dont want to end it hopeing for them to get back together or thay are afraid of commiting to another realtionship. i would never date a separated person and if i dated some one that said single and found out she lied and was separated I would live right on the spot.
 Apolinary
Joined: 9/5/2007
Msg: 29
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I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 7:59:51 AM


anyoneoutthier wrote:
I am glad to see that a lot of people feel the same way i do separated is still married, people say it takes along time to get a divorce but if you really wanted it you can get it even if the other does not want to cooperate.


You're right -- if you really wanted a relatively quick divorce, you can get it even
if the other party doesn't want to much cooperate. HOWEVER, the cost to you might be
your willingness to give up your portion of your long worked for assets (perhaps many
years of hard work in the creating), and in some cases, worse yet, giving up custody and
perhaps even access to your own children. And who wouldn't reach for that option in
a heartbeat just to date someone they've never met before?

You know, just a little bit of food for thought,
CJ
 okcgreeneyes1029
Joined: 1/23/2007
Msg: 30
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I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 8:09:34 AM
Cyn,

I completely agree with you; separated is still married. There are many people who stay "separated" for years for whatever reasons, but the ink on the decree has never been used, ergo; married.

Biased? Well, if you are biased about separated people dating before the divorce, then wear the badge proudly. If there were more people that took care of their business before pursuing a new relationship, maybe marriage wouldn't be so disposable. I don't know about the rest of the world, but divorce is rampant in the US because it is so easy to get. Reason for divorce; irreconcilable differences. Duh! Why do the courts think a person wants the divorce?

Oklahoma, as well as many many other states have that as the primary reason for divorce and do not have to prove anything. If a person files under adultery or alienation of affection, it is up to the petitioner to show proof of that. So, that is why most people file irreconcilable.

You should never have your morals questioned. Not that it matters, but I respect you and your point of view.

Liz
 EastSideEddie
Joined: 8/13/2006
Msg: 31
I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 8:10:37 AM

if you really wanted a relatively quick divorce, you can get it even if the other party doesn't want to much cooperate.


Absolutely correct. When you start saying that you want the house, the cars, the bank accounts, the stocks, the retirement funds... and oh the kids. you can have them...... then you get the resistance.

How many women I have known who said something stupid like "I'd get divorced but he won't give me one."

Nobody "gives" a divorce. The court rules that you are no longer married. What they mean is "I want to take him to the cleaners and he will fight that".

And my comment to the women who say that is "If you want out badly enough, and OUT is your true goal, then get out and give up whatever you have to give up. That feminazi attitude and your greed is what keeps you from getting a divorce, not him."

Separated is a load of manure. If the divorce is inevitable, get it behind you. Otherwise you subject yourself to interpretation that you still ant him around for whatever reason (usually financial).
 cupatea2010
Joined: 7/30/2007
Msg: 32
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I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 8:50:55 AM
You have company with the separation thing...there is no where to go in a relationship that is not finished with what he/she needs to do. Finish their business before they go on to someone else.


Most separated people are looking for stepping stones to help them detach and get on with their lives. Depends on what stage of separation they are in too..

There is the guy who is thinking about separating ...or just wants to see if he can pull one over the wife's eyes and try to catch a fling or two..behind her back..perhaps bait her online to see if she actually snooping in his business.

If the separated person is still residing in the same marital home with kids...it may take YEARS to detach and actually move on with separate lives...what woman is going to sit and wait for that to happen or just be content on a friends w benefits thing?

Or the separated person has moved out into their own place but gets the kids on the weekends..or every other weekend and on holidays. New woman in his life needs to compromise and sympathize with his time availability and learn to be open to spur of the moment meetings..

And then we get to the guy who is living alone...the wife has a boyfriend already moved into the marital home..and he is looking for someone to understand where he is coming from...needs an "EAR" to listen to his problems...has no money for a divorce and his wife will not give him one unless he pays for it. If a woman is interested in just living with him ....to each her own.
 PacificStar
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 33
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I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 9:15:29 AM
Dating someone seperated is asking for misery. It says something about their commitment to all parties involved and definitely what they are willing to offer you.
You date someone seperated you get zip and are a second class interest in all issues.
Not a great way to start any relationahip in my book.

99 times out of 100 it does come down to money and one or both spouses not being mature about the decision to split things fairly or neither of them wanting to take a hit on something jointly owned and probably not paid for. Usually the house and sometimes cars. Often lots of stuff on credit cards that "they" bought but really didn't agree on. Which is a major red flag that communication and control of ones own situation is never going to be this candidates strong suit and you should run not walk away from this person.

On the rarest occasions it is about insurance; sometimes for the kids but often for the spouse. That means you are out in the cold permenently in that department which is no joke if the inevitable happens ( you are fooling around and you get pregnant) or God forbid hurt or sick. Most children can be covered but not all pre-existing conditions and that is life long poverty if you have a child with a big problem. I just about guarantee this will be one time the Zero will actually become SubZero and make it as difficult as possible.

Seperated ups the odds that you are going to get involved in some kind of Domestic violence situation by astronomical porportions. Do you really need a date so bad that you want to spend 2 to 20 years tied up in a police investigation? You are certainly going to have to get an attorney $$$$$$ to represent you if you do. Do you want to get hurt or your property destroyed. You can bet your car is going to catch it even if you are lucky enough to avoid serious injury. A beating or gunshot wound is a life long injury in many cases. Why drag your kids or family through it if your own security isn't enough. With the growing level of violence of woman on women crime you should be scared because you can bet if he is too big a wimp to get a divorce he won't put up to protect you. You think your insurance carrier is going to cover you if they determine you were involved with a married person (a crime in itself in some situations) ? How is an not quite Ex going to afford to repay damages for a temper tantrum if they can't or won't pay for a divorce? If this Zero is working for the military or many publicly funded employers and many private ones a "morals clause" means unemployed if they get caught in a fooling around situation.

I got to wonder why few ever think about the kids in this situation. More often than you know they are running the show behind closed doors. Seperated isn't divorced and the drama is guaranteed to increase in volume in their lives if you complicate the situation. Adolecent treatment centers cost millions. You want a future partner that is financially destroyed? Don't fool yourself the kids know what their parents are up to and they have a long LONG memory. Even if you are just a friend in the distance until things get "tidied up" they are going to hate you. And the above about domestic violence and property damage goes double. That any 12 year old usually has the means and the money to buy a gun should be reason enough to steer clear. Kids are smart they know they are the ones who most often end up in poverty related to a divorce. You think they won't resort to any means to mess you up? They can ruin your life (and your kids) in so many ways from plastering your identity on the innernet to terrorizeing you with their gang friends it just isn't worth it.

No matter what they tell you if your partner is still married you can bet a few booty calls are going on. Doesn't mean anyone is paying attention to monogomy so you are effectively sleeping with "gone wild" behavior of two people if you have bodily fluid exchange in this scenario. Maybe you will be lucky and all you are exposeing yourself to is a stress related cold or flu but you can just about bet it is more. Have you ever heard of a revenge F--- you can bet if an almost Ex catches something they are going to spread the misery on purpose. You really think the soon to be Ex who doesn't quite want to be Ex is going to own up to symptoms or where they started if they can blame them on you? You can stake your life on being alone with whatever you pick up. Your dateing life is over if it is HepC, Herpes, or HIV/Aids.

Last but not least the truely single around you notice if you are "lowering your standards" and pretty soon ALL you can get is "seperated" or worse actually married. Bragging on date sites that you have been dumb enough to be involved in these scenarios is not the wisest practice. It is a good way to get deleated from a favorites list. Eligible people have choices so make good ones.
 Nona37
Joined: 10/3/2007
Msg: 34
I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 9:15:51 AM
Apolinary: It's not really about someone giving up everything for someone they never met, that would be mentally insane, what the point has actually turned into on this thread I do believe is how people do not finish their business before trying to involve other people, if someone is seperated, then they need to be concentrating more on their children as well as maintaining half if not more of their assets in which they have earned, as compared to trying to date, that just makes so much sense now doesn't it?
 esotericjudi
Joined: 5/14/2007
Msg: 35
I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 9:53:19 AM
I agree with those who don't do separated. OP, you have to do what you are comfortable with, it is no one else's business. Apparently there is a big difference between separation/divorce law in Canada vs. the US. While I can sympathize with someone who is involved in a lengthy divorce or separated, that doesn't mean I have to get myself emotionally involved with them.

I waited through 11 months of unofficial separation, to make sure there was no hope for the marriage. My divorce (back in 1999) took almost exactly 1 year from my first appointment with the lawyer until the court date (just one court date). My ex was not cooperative, IE: he moved out on his kids & I and we almost never saw him after. He paid nothing towards the support of his kids after leaving, and I didn't know where he was living most of the time. By the time I got notice of a court date, he had left town w/ no forwarding address. I still got my court date, and he finally got his divorce papers about 3 months after the fact, when the post office found him. My point is that I got a divorce with no cooperation and without having to wait for him to participate in negotiations.

My father's wife (not my mother) moved out on him 8/2/07, 3 weeks after he had a stroke. He met with my lawyer 2 weeks later, a divorce petition was filed on 9/5, and his court date is 11/29/07. He is asking that both parties keep all premarital property, and each keep 1 of the 2 cars that are postmarital property.

Here in Missouri it is possible to get a divorce fairly quickly, but my main reason for not getting involved with separated men is my moral beliefs. You are married or not, and I don't date married. And to those who mentioned it, no, I absolutely didn't so much as have coffee with another man before my divorce or for at least 2 years after, to give myself time to heal & adjust to my new life. I in fact lost a female friend several years back because she started dating while waiting for her court date, and she knew I thought that is wrong. She didn't want to be friends unless I supported her in what I still believe was adultery. The fact that her husband cheated first, didn't make it ok for her to return the favor, in my book.

To sum up, married=married, separated=married, filed for divorce & waiting for court=married. None of these situations= available for dating, IMHO.
Stick to your guns, OP.
 great_kahuna
Joined: 5/23/2007
Msg: 36
I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 10:06:55 AM
I have read quite a few of the posts here.
My opinion is somwhat diferent. I told my ex "you walk out that door , don't bother to come back". And that was the end of our mariage, even though we only got a divorce a year after.

Kahuna
 easyside
Joined: 10/1/2007
Msg: 37
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I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 10:14:35 AM
wow, the next time the catholic church needs a few saints all they need to do is nominate a few of the people posting in this thread !

To start, everyone has the right to set their own standards. Period, end of story. Whether, it's marital status, religion, profession, etc. That's the beauty of free will and self determination.

What has irked me about this thread are people making assumptions and judgements on circumstances for which they absolutely no understanding. Being a separated guy I know all too well the balancing act that gets played out as you try to disengage lives. I'd love to have the paperwork all wrapped up but I'm not going to do it at the expense of making sure my kids are adjusting to the change in their lives and that the soon to be former spouse can manage the day to day things that I took care of. Beyond the "values" judgement some of you are quick to frame the discussion with, there are sound financial and legal reasons for lengthy separation processess. I'd much rather work through the details of disengaging without lawyers & judges imposing their will on a solution, and without their fees tacked onto the end result too.

The bottom line is set the standards that you want in finding a partner that complements your life but don't sit in judgement over what you deem to be "unfinished business" in another person's life.
 Arlo Troutman
Joined: 11/16/2006
Msg: 38
I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 10:18:13 AM

I've had guys call me biased because of my feelings about this. Am I wrong for not giving these guys a chance?


Absolutely not. Never let anyone badger you into doing something against your principles. Now, going against your principles because YOU want to is an entirely separate issue.

!Les
 mr. dynomite
Joined: 9/11/2007
Msg: 39
I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 10:24:20 AM

I have never been married, so I've never gone through my own divorce. I don't want to go through anyone else's either.


Totally reasonable.

Which is the same reason i wouldn't date someone who was seperated either.


I've had guys call me biased because of my feelings about this. Am I wrong for not giving these guys a chance?


Nope! Standards are a beautiful thing.


They are YOUR choices because YOU have to live with them. Being picky sounds like a bad word... but settling for less will bite your tongue and your ass every time.


 petitegamine
Joined: 9/26/2007
Msg: 40
I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 10:28:43 AM
This subject touched a nerve with me because of the preponderance of condemning posts toward those who listed their marital status as “Separated.”

Thank you, apolinary and tony3124, for your messages, #13, 26, and 29.

To illustrate the points that they brought up in those posts:

"The slow wheels of divorce litigation sometimes being what they are, a person
could quite literally be completely separated from his or her ex-spouse for potentially
a few years before the "needed paperwork" came through. And do you imagine
that folks just put their emotional and social life on hold simply because lawyers
and the legal system don't get paid to be efficient?" (apolinary)

I moved out of the marital home in March 05, filed for divorce in proper (without the help of a lawyer) a few months later; made the mistake of sending the paperwork to his office by certified mail instead of having someone serve my spouse. He ignored my divorce petition. I consulted an attorney and re-filed. The timeline for dissolution of marriage in my state (California) is 6 months… this means that I would have to wait 6 months from the time I filed for divorce the second time until I was allowed to request the court to terminate my marital status.

Meanwhile…

I spent more than two years and hundreds of hours complying with the opposing counsel’s demands for financial records relating to my husband’s business (I am the administrator of his medical practice). Every time I thought I was done with the paper chase, his attorneys would run through my detailed responses with a fine-toothed comb and the help of a forensic accountant and ask for more. They repeatedly sabotaged my attorney’s attempts to set a court date by approaching us with a settlement proposal, then backing out at the last minute. I was forced to supplement my personal and business records countless times, because invariably when the opposing counsel was satisfied with their review of my records, enough time has lapsed from the time I provided the paperwork to make an update necessary.

“You're right -- if you really wanted a relatively quick divorce,
you can get it even if the other party doesn't want to much cooperate.
HOWEVER, the cost to you might be your willingness to give up your
portion of your long worked for assets (perhaps many years of hard work
in the creating), and in some cases, worse yet, giving up custody and
perhaps even access to your own children. And who wouldn't reach for
that option in a heartbeat just to date someone they've never met before?” (apolinary’s response to anyoneoutthier)

At one point, I had asked my attorney to bifurcate my divorce (requesting the court to grant me divorced status and deciding the financial issues separately at a later time), as I was tired of waiting. I gave up on the idea when I found out we would be paying an additional $100,000 in long-term capital gains tax if I terminated my marital status before the marital home is sold (no, I didn’t live in a mansion, but the crazy Orange County real estate market has appreciated enough at the time to make this a reality for us). This amount is equivalent to two years’ private tuition at one of the best colleges for any one of my kids. I really feel like I shouldn't have to justify my choice with a prospective date... it should be evident to an intelligent mind that one shouldn't be so financially profligate as to gamble their children's future.

I then asked my husband to move out of the marital home so that I can prepare it for sale. He complied. We have lived apart since March 2005. The marital home remained empty since September 2006, after my husband moved out to an apartment. We have depleted our assets by the tune of hundreds of thousands of dollars paying for attorneys’ fees and separate living arrangements through all this. Can anyone accuse me of not having tried my damndest to end this nightmare legally?

"I think the majority of the people on this site are way off base
when it comes to someone being separated. How many even bother
to ask the person why they are separated? As soon as they see that word
in your profile, you're done. As you can see from reading some of the posts,
there are people who have been separated for many years and they have
reasons for it. I wonder how many people who are divorced now, dated
when they were separated? How many would admit it? I do not know one
single person who was separated and actually got back together with their
spouse and it worked.

If you give a separated person a chance, you should easily be able
to determine if they are still connected to their spouse. Do they hide
you from their kids, their family, social functions or not wanting to be
seen in their local area with you? Can you call their cell and home phone
number? If it doesn't feel right, you will know it. Otherwise, you could be
passing up the person you have been looking for. " (tony3124)

The following is an excerpt from the email I wrote to a nice gentleman on this site who contacted me:

“You seem a terrific person and a good writer as well. I hope your match will come along soon. I would like to address your concern about my marital status, although I understand the point is moot because we will not be dating. In perusing the forum, I found that those who list their marital status as “Separated” are often quickly condemned as “married but cheating.” I wish there were more people like you with an open mind who opt to ask intelligent questions and try to get to know the person behind the profile instead of judging harshly without basis. Your concern is totally valid, and I appreciate your giving me the benefit of the doubt. Having gone through divorce yourself, you might be a in better position than most to appreciate that there are those whose circumstances don’t lend to a quick, easy divorce, but who are sincere and honest about their dating intentions. Just like me, one of them may catch your interest, but unlike me, she could turn out to be the right gal for you. I sure hope so.”

T.


By the way, I would like to add that I used the term “my husband” repeatedly in my post because using the other alternative ( “stbx”, or “soon-to-be-ex”) makes me feel terribly depressed about the snail pace of my divorce.

I understand everyone’s concern about dating a “separated” person, and would not be offended if someone decided not to date me because of my legal entanglements. However, I bristle at the suggestion that “separated” means exactly the same as “married”, or “separated” means that the person will eventually go back to their spouse.
 lucilou
Joined: 3/18/2006
Msg: 41
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I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 10:55:50 AM
Sorry to say that I am one of those in the same situation, I will not give up all the hard ship I did for a simple piece of divorce papers. I work hard for my money and those money is for my retirement and not about to split them with anybody who I dont love anymore. At least we are honest to say separated instead of lieng and put single which I know there are plenty of people in POF who claim to be single but not true. I have been separated for 15 yrs and whoever cant take it is OK by me, love conquers all regardless of any situation. Getting married again is just a piece of legal papers but does it affect the love? maybe yes and maybe not, probably after a year of marriage they will again get divorce and another piece of paper to count. Labeling us will not bother me, to each individual you all have the right to do what you want to do, but dont condemn some with out knowing what the reason was of being separated. About being to get together again? I dont think so. Apolinary, Tony3124, Petitegamine and Fires we all agree on something , which I hope they dont categorized us being bad cheating person.
 cupatea2010
Joined: 7/30/2007
Msg: 42
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I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 11:02:38 AM
Message 37 "Being a separated guy I know all too well the balancing act that gets played out as you try to disengage lives"

Yes, it's a balancing act to play both sides of coin..BUT it's still unfinished business..call it the way it is...could say baggage...but then I am sick of the word..
"baggage"

It's not fair for someone that is single and looking for a relationship ....to have to UNDERSTAND the complex situations people can get themselves into.

Complex and a potential for the dramatic...
 Nona37
Joined: 10/3/2007
Msg: 43
I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 11:42:50 AM
I am not a "saint", however I am someone who will not "settle" for a "seperated" man, no matter how you slice and dice it, and I don't care the "sob stories", I don't care the "excuses", get up off your butt and get a divorce if you want anyone decent to take you seriously out on the dating scene. I love the excuses, but it all boils down to, hey,,,you made your own bed, not lie in it, don't blame someone for not dating you if you are not divorced, it's called free will and it's no one's elses fault that you married the wrong person but your own. One can find many excuses to not get divorced, finances, the children, the dog, cat,,,,it all boils down to not wanting a divorce if you don't want one, period.
 Nona37
Joined: 10/3/2007
Msg: 44
I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 11:43:31 AM
meant to say *now lie in it
 tony3124
Joined: 5/19/2007
Msg: 45
I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 11:52:50 AM
There have been many posts added after mine and the two simple questions I asked have not been answered by anyone who agrees with cyn3100. Has anyone here who is now divorced, ever dated anyone while they themselves were separated??? Will anyone admit to it? Just curious.
 Angelnurse10
Joined: 6/10/2007
Msg: 46
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I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 12:11:47 PM
I don't do seperared either. Too much of a chance for them to reunite with their ex.
I went out with a man when I was seperated, who was so sweet, and everything I was looking for, and my ex called and I broke it off with this guy, who was very hurt.\
Seperated people still have that connection with the ex. Needless to say it did not work out with my ex, and I really hurt a very nice person.
 Nona37
Joined: 10/3/2007
Msg: 47
I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 12:18:46 PM
I actually attempted to date someone while "legally" seperated, but I discovered after the first few dates, I was not being fair to the person I was dating, it was just morally wrong, eventhough "he" did not have a problem with it, I did. How's that for honesty?
 cupatea2010
Joined: 7/30/2007
Msg: 48
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I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 12:40:41 PM
I never dated anyone when I was going through my divorce..even though he was seeing more than one woman. I retreated for two years before I decided to join an organization called Parent without Partners with a neighbor lady who was widowed for two years. I grieved for the loss of my marriage the same way my neighbor grieved for the death of her husband. I got through it though...I heard he (ex) is on his fourth marriage with a gf on the side. I never married after that..close a couple of times but did not get to the alter.

I think I identify with the wife who is trying to keep things together while the husband is secretly seeking an OUT.....funny....he told friends and family ..I was the one that was cheating on HIM. I don't think anyone believed him...it was just an excuse.
 babygirl234
Joined: 9/22/2006
Msg: 49
I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 12:47:21 PM
Any "guy" that is going to try to control you by attempting to make you feel like you are wrong for having a moral conviction is not someone you would want anyway is it?

ChinUp Girl and just walk away from them.
 petite2760
Joined: 7/9/2005
Msg: 50
I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 12:53:37 PM
Hi Cyn,

Most people in their 40's have been married at some point. I am legally separated for more than 10 years now and the the only thing I personally see in the difference between those two is I cannot get married. However, people have their own different opinion.

I totally understand where you are coming from. So perhaps, a suggestion, in your profile, you should put an emphasis in capital bold letters that you are looking for men who has never been married at all.

Guys who call you biased are ignorant. WE HAVE OUR OWN PREFERENCES and people should RESPECT that and not question it at all.

Good luck!!
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