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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 12:58:07 PM | You are an honest hypocrit. That's good. Who cares what the reason was, the bottom line is, you did. Now, I am really not trying to label you. Someone gave you a chance even when you were separated. He looked past that and saw you. You broke it off with him, and, like one of my other comments, you can be added to the list of those that separate and don't get back together. He called and you came running and it still didn't work. What would you have felt if the other guy told you he wanted nothing to do with you because you were separated? Once 2 people are separated, I believe it is extremely unlikely they will ever get back together and make it work. I am sure it happens and someone might get hurt, but it is rare.
No hard feelings nona, you are definitely entitled to your opinion as is everyone else here. We separated people are just tired of hearing all the crap like we are not worthy of meeting anyone, we have all kinds of "baggage" or "drama", 2 wornout overused words. | |
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Nona37
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Joined: 10/3/2007
Msg: 52 | |
| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 1:09:34 PM | | Actually I am not a hypocrite, I am honest, and I did not follow through on dating, and HE was the one who pursued me, it was not I that pursued him and I was the one who ended it due to moral reasons. My ex did not come calling me back, nor did I call him back, the fact of the matter was, I was still married and it was morally wrong in my eyes anyways, to date anyone when I had unfinished business. Nice try in baiting, it didn't really work, especially due to the fact that I did not continue to date, and it wasn't like we had a relationship nor did sexual relations occur, I ended it before that happened, and by the way, my divorce took me four years to achieve, and I did not have a lover nor did I have a boyfriend on the side, I was much too kind to bring anyone into my dysfunction, in other words, I took care of my business before even attempting that again. Thank you for appreicating my honesty, and shame on you for calling me a hypocrite lol I guess when one is wrong, it's easier to try and tag others the same as them, kinda like going down with the ship, taking everyone down with them, but I however am not going down, and I stand by not dating seperated people, it's pure lunacy to do so, whether it's male or female, if they can't take care of their own business, why would they be able to take care of future business? :) | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 1:56:47 PM | I would like to correct a grave error in my previous post (post #40). The figure cited in the following paragraph is incorrect. It was taken from an old email I sent my accountant seeking his advice about my situation and was based on the erroneous assumptions I had with regard to tax laws.
"At one point, I had asked my attorney to bifurcate my divorce (requesting the court to grant me divorced status and deciding the financial issues separately at a later time), as I was tired of waiting. I gave up on the idea when I found out we would be paying an additional $100,000 in long-term capital gains tax if I terminated my marital status before the marital home is sold........."
At the time, I had mistakenly believed that home sale proceeds would be taxed as ordinary income, and since my husband and I are in the top tax bracket, what we would have lost by speeding up our divorce via the process of bifurcation would be close to the $100,000 figure.
My accountant has explained to me that the federal long-term capital gains tax rate for someone in our tax bracket is 15%. I don't think California has a separate capital gains tax rate, so home sale profits would be considered ordinary income and taxed at the normal CA income tax rate which hovers above 9% for those in the highest tax bracket. Therefore, the tax burden on our home sale profits will likely exceed 15% + 9%, or > 24%. The current federal capital gains tax exemption is $250,000 per individual filer or $500,000 per married couple. If I obtained a divorce decree before the house is sold, I would have given up 15% of $250,000, not 24% of $250,000, as there is no state tax exemption. Still, this is no chump change. And between the two of us, we have spent much more than that on attorney's fees. I have been diligent and single-minded in my efforts to wrap up my divorce, but in the back of my mind, the nagging question has always been whether I'm being selfish by jeopadizing my children's financial future in my quest to obtain a divorced status. Sometimes I feel physically ill about this. There have been times when I was close to the brink of financial disaster because of the expenses I incurred due to my divorce and the resulting complications, but I have always managed to pull back and recover... so far.
Meanwhile, my husband is content with being in limbo. I don't know if his dragging his feet is due to buyer's remorse regarding his emotional affair and physical indiscretions, but I'm the only one trying to put an end to our morass.
Not a sob story... my explanation is just to provide an opposing viewpoint on what's considered a hot button by many on the forum. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 2:03:21 PM | Hi cyn! You most certainly are NOT biased. You have set standards for yourself. You should keep them. You are right in expressing that since you have not gone through a divorce, you choose not to go through anyone else's. If a man is worth his salt, he'll understand this and either bow out gracefully, or get divorced before seeking out any new relationships.
Until I finally got my divorce, I didn't understand how being separated COULD be an issue for some men, but it was. To them, it meant that I was still legally married and basically NOT available legally or emotionally, to begin any new relationship. They were right!
I guess it's like sitting on a fence. When only separated, you really don't belong on either side, and for some it may give the appearance that you can't decide which side you want to be on. This leaves too many doubts for someone else who may be interested in you as a partner. Now I am better able to understand how being separated can be a turn off.
So stick to your guns lady! No one has the right to tell you what's good or suitable for you. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 2:11:16 PM | Tony,
I will answer based on my divorce. No one else's experience, just mine. I had a cheating husband. Once I spoke to the other woman and decided divorce was where it was heading, I filed. I filed without an attorney and did my paperwork because it was relatively easy. Or so I thought... After 5 times of having the papers returned without any signature, I gave up. Finally, she figured out he was stalling and became pregnant. That's when the papers were signed and I went to court; alone. I filed it in February and had the final court date in September. In Oklahoma, once the papers are signed by the judge, you're divorced. However, if one wants to remarry within the state, they must wait 6 months. Then again, if someone wants, they can drive to neighboring Arkansas where just a driver's license and/or a birth certificate is necessary, one could get married later that same day.
I say all of this to get to this small point. No, I never once dated or wanted to date anyone while I was going through all of that. Why would I have wanted to bring someone else into the mix and cause them problems, let alone potentially having it used against me?
If I had dated while I was separated, then I would admit to it. I just didn't. Does not make me a saint, just means I was both concerned with my own business and didn't need anyone else in the mix and I was bitter during the separation, too. So, very very far from a saint and more like "personal survival" instead.
Liz | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 2:12:07 PM | Petite, you dont have to reason to them, they dont have business in critizing us anyway. Nona 37 is full of hatred in her, maybe she did have experience that left her hating those who are separated. On her sentence that we cant have a decent man? and cant have a date? you are totally wrong, there some men who are decent and fine guy who dont judge people by reading thier profile. Dont look down on us that we are also human being, that dont have a piece of paper to hold on. Hope you find a fine decent man who will love you the way you are. You are divorced and what that make you? You going to get married and start counting the piece of paper you are now holding, looking for the #2 marriage or probably #3 who knows.  | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 2:14:45 PM | | If someone tells you they are separated, you will soon be able to tell just by the vibes you get if he is really separated in his heart, a woman just knows these things. Divorced people can hurt you too, just like separated. It's just there situation at the moment. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 2:17:58 PM |
I've had guys call me biased because of my feelings about this. Am I wrong for not giving these guys a chance? If they call you biased because you don't want to monkey with another monkey's monkey, it means they're trying to guilt you into illicit sex.
Also, the wordier their self-defensive arguments are, the closer to the truth this statement is. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 2:30:44 PM |
I don't do separated...
I've had guys call me biased because of my feelings about this. Am I wrong for not giving these guys a chance? I guess I might be biased as well ... I don't do "separated" either. There is no future in it. Anyone who is separated (no matter how long they have been separated) ... is just in no position to move on. It's like living in "suspension".
Many don't feel like they can go back (waiting for the divorce to be final), but at the same time ... how can they go forward? If they do find someone who interests them and they fall in love with that person ... they still can't move forward on making plans with that person ... they still have no divorce ... they're not free to make plans ... they're technically still married.
Nah ... I don't want to have anything to do with "separated". People should get fully out of one relationship before they move on to still another. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 2:38:07 PM | Why cant they make plan? People live together and have children with out marriage, How many friends do you know that live togehter and have children with out the piece of paper you called legal paper to present when the child is born? They called the child **stard? Illigitimate? That is called planning, have kids and who cares who judge them as long as they love each other lol. If you all think separated people cant have a boyfriend girlfriend, totally wrong.  | |
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Nona37
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Joined: 10/3/2007
Msg: 61 | |
| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 2:49:35 PM | | Lucilu: I am indeed not full of hatred, but it seems that people who are seperated that get upset because someone won't date them due to their "status" is selfish as well as idiotic. I say a HUGE DUH on that one. I am divorced, unfortunately, but it's better than being still married to someone and hitting people up for dates, don't you think? I do not think that EVERYONE who is seperated are bad people, people in general are most times to none victims of circumstances, whether it's by their/our own doing or other reasons out of their control, but what does it actually show other people when a man/woman is still married and trying to date other people? It's dysfunctional, I should know, I attempted it when I was seperated, but before it turned sexual , I ended it, reason being? It was wrong, wrong for me to pull someone into my cesspool of dysfunction, I ended it, took care of my business and went on with my life, it's that simple, some people just can't be alone, and I feel personally that this is why seperated people as a majority go on the prowl, nonetheless, I"m sorry you feel that way about me, eventhough you do not know me, but that's ok, at least I'm divorced, and able to freely date and not worry about the stigma of being "seperated", therefore, touche my "still married" friend :) | |
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Nona37
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Joined: 10/3/2007
Msg: 62 | |
| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 2:51:17 PM | | I also wanted to state, of course seperated people can have boyfriend/girlfriends, that is more than likely why they are seperated :) So why not? | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 2:59:21 PM |
Seperated ups the odds that you are going to get involved in some kind of Domestic violence situation by astronomical porportions. Do you really need a date so bad that you want to spend 2 to 20 years tied up in a police investigation? You are certainly going to have to get an attorney $$$$$$ to represent you if you do. Do you want to get hurt or your property destroyed. You can bet your car is going to catch it even if you are lucky enough to avoid serious injury. A beating or gunshot wound is a life long injury in many cases. I think some people watch too much Miami Vice | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 3:19:00 PM | Thanks for the posting.... I have tried to communicate to the Moderator's on this
site to please add "seperated" as another status tracker, ie. single divorced.
Seperated is still legally married. I know two couples in the few years get back together! I am all for love and don't date marrieds which is my choice others have their choice. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 3:21:13 PM | You dont have to attacked people with different opinion, saying you dont want to date separated people might be your right opinion and thats your moral standard , but dont critized us and attacked us and saying no future and no date , how do you know that? You dont know me either. Dont judge people according to what you read on their profile, what happened to knowing someone first before you judge them? Every post you wrote is full of hatred and attacking us, read it back and analyze it, I am not mad at you its what you wrote against people here in POF. Anyway I am finished here, every individual have their own fault and no one should judge them if they dont know the reason behind it. Believe me I might not be pretty, or intelligent or whatever you may think, but no one have the right to tell me what to do with my life, to divorce or not to divorce, I dont beg for a man to e-mail me, as you said I will not have future? deadly wrong, if I dont have anyone right now? its because its my choice of the matter. Good luck to you nona37 hope you find a good one that will not leave you or divorce you so you wont be counting those piece of paper you are holding right now. You take care OK? | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 3:32:23 PM | | do you think that a guy who is separated isnt interested in dating one person | |
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Nona37
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Joined: 10/3/2007
Msg: 67 | |
| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 3:45:03 PM | | Lucilu: Thank you for the regards and I will say the same to you, however, I filed for divorce on my husband because he was a cheater, so I know it can happen to anyone, and my apologies if you feel that I was spewing hatred, that is not the case at all, I was merely stating my opinion, as far as getting married again, it will definitely have to be the "right" one for me, but even then, he will more than likely have to drag me down the isle kicking and screaming :) | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 3:59:18 PM | I agree with you 100%. These 'separateds' need to sort out where they stand before involving innocent bystanders. 
BTW SilverSurfer1, nice pic, bet you were the life of the party! | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 4:10:09 PM | easyside ....just looked at your profile. It says "reasonably sane". You are wrong ....in my opinion you are more sane than some of the posters here.
It's one thing to voice ones opinion, and if a person does not want to date somebody who is seperate that is their opinion. But when I read some of the posts like the one below , I just have to wonder.
Do you really need a date so bad that you want to spend 2 to 20 years tied up in a police investigation? You are certainly going to have to get an attorney $$$$$$ to represent you if you do. Do you want to get hurt or your property destroyed. You can bet your car is going to catch it even if you are lucky enough to avoid serious injury. A beating or gunshot wound is a life long injury in many cases[unquote]  | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 4:16:12 PM | Here's why I won't date a separated man. I'd always been told to stay away from them. The one time I broke the rule, I got hurt. Don't get me wrong, he happens to be an exceptional man. The law in his state calls for a 12 month separation before you can even file for divorce. She was the one that left.
Everything was great until just before the divorce was final. She changed her mind. She also convinced the kids that she was willing to try and that they could be a happy family if their father would give her a chance. He tried to do what he thought was right for himself and the kids, but I could tell that every time the kids begged him to get back with their mother it was tearing him. After several months he decided to give the marriage another chance.
It didn't come as a surprise because I saw what he was going through and know how much he loves his children. I let him go without a fight - which was not easy because I wanted to cry and scream, to tell him that he and the kids would be hurt again and try to convince him to stay with me, but that would have hurt him even more (that, and I want someone to be with me of their own free will). I hope things do work out for his sake and that of his children. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 4:22:32 PM | Seperated = married.
Divorced = single.
OP, it's all about you. You can date exclusively single men. I agree with you and wouldn't date anyone that's married because of my morals and religious beliefs. I see so many people complicate their lives by dating married people (or seperated people). I actually worked with a girl that would get so angry with her boyfriend when he went to family events with his wife! She said things like he didn't want to go, but it was a family event. She's wrong for dating a married man, and it serves her right.
I've been cheated on, it doesn't feel good. I wouldn't do it to another woman. Despite whatever he says she "did to him" or "how lonely his is" or "he's leaving her", he's still married until he's divorced. If you don't date married men, then you won't get yourself into those "unclear relationships". It's better to keep things simple and enter relationships with a clear head and heart.
I agree with you 100%, get the paper. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 4:29:51 PM | | I don't do separated either, would prefer for the paper work to be complete and officially divorced, free as an Eagle!!! | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 4:34:03 PM | Literature an scientific documentation states that 1 year is what is required to disconnect and come to terms with what has passed. So regardless what the state law says you are on target with your new restriction. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 4:44:38 PM | You are beautiful inside and outside but then you judge people involving innocent bystander? People, dont you think that men and women have the right who they pick to date regardless? Men have the right to pick to e-mail who they want and women has the disadvantage, just to wait who wants them, BUT its in thier power to do so who they want to date lol. Speak for your self dont speak for others . I dont have problem in dating and on my profile they know what they read, is it better to lie? and put there single?  | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 4:48:39 PM | | I agree with you and the majority of the bloggers here. Separated is still attached. What future does one have getting involved in a married person? Other than the one "obvious" item. What I've found in computer land, if they say they're "separated" like one blogger here said, it usually means they're still with their spouse(male or female) and are only looking for some "fun on the side". Of course there 'might" be a few exceptions who aren't "toying with you with that statement" but they are few and far between. You'll only walk away humiliated and as lonely or lonlier than when you went into that situation. Stand your ground. There's GOT to be someone out there who appreciates a woman who has morals. I personally haven't found them yet but not giving up. | |
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