| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 5:41:16 PM |
So what happens when you DO find the right guy and want to marry him? Will you suddenly afford a lawyer then or make him pay for it?
Sorry. Weak excuse.
I don't know that i will ever marry again to be completely honest and no i would never expect a man to pay for my divorce. Just as i also don't EXPECT him to pay for my coffee, meal, movie pass or anything else. I generally pay my own way in all things thank you very much.
Just a wild guess, are you still covered by his medical insurance?
Please.... i was dropped from his extended benefits plan (we don't have medical insurance in canada) without notice when he got a new girlfriend. I cover my own extended medical and dental coverage, and that of our children, through my job. So in other words there is absolutely zero benefit for me to remain married and i do have a legally filed separation agreement.
The bitter pill for you is cutting back on any habits, vices or excesses in your life and hiring the lawyer. With all of the "prefer not to say" responses I have an idea you spend your money on drinking, smoking, generally things you could do without if the divorce really mattered to you.
Think what you want, yay for you, you are a fantastic assumption maker!! Too bad you don't actually have a clue what the reality is. If you read my profile you would understand why i chose prefer not to say for all those questions. I didn't launch into all the details of what my situation is exactly but lets just say that being a single parent with an un-supportive ex means very little spare money for ANYTHING.
You certainly are entitled to your opinion, but you are very close minded and judgmental in my opinion. Ultimately i do not need to defend myself to you. My situation is complicated, and it isn't just the finances but also the children, so until you've walked in my exact shoes you really should avoid being so self righteous and presumptious. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 5:42:43 PM | I have a list of the new categories:
Single-first time out of the gate
Single-lived with someone but not now
Single-living with someone but looking for fun
Single-but only looking to fool around with someone else's spouse/honey
Divorced-followed by a number and I would try it again
Divorced-followed by a number and don't intend for it to get higher
Am Married but looking to fool around
Was Married-followed by a number
Widowed-followed by a number
Separated-legally
Separated-in my mind--she's in the next room
Separated-no way in hades we are getting back together and I don't want to be tied to another
other-I don't have a clue what I am looking for.
You get the idea and I think I have met someone in every category. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 5:55:01 PM | My personal preference is single or divorced....every case is judged on its own merits, however, I always have my guard up with any man who is not officially divorced. There are some who stay separated for years and I do have a problem with it. Although they will tell me its not a big deal, I do consider it a big deal because if I was able to get out of a marriage in order to move on with my life, I cannot see why someone else can't do it. I know its difficult, but in reality, anybody who is still separated after more than one year, makes me wonder, if they really and truly have moved on in the place that really counts..the heart and the head. I have not had good experiences with seperated men because they do not have their act together yet and it really does not matter now much they try to convince me that they will never go back to their wife, I have a hard time buying it. Those who say they are staying that way for convenience and for the kids...that is just nuts because it is a terrible example to set for your kids. Kids need to know that people will and do make mistakes and they should be able to know that if it ever happens to them, it is not the end of the world as they know it. If they see mom and dad divorce, depending on how it is handled, can make the kids stronger and know that in life nobody is perfect and nothing is forever...life was not meant to stay stagnant, or endured,...it was meant to be lived and enjoyed,....two miserable parents will not keep the kids happy or feel safe...beleive me ...kids know...|Iknow I will get a lot of flack from the separated men on here, but this is my viewpoint and it comes based on personal experience, not only mine but friends of mine as well. |If you are separated and living apart, just waiting for the paper work and process to come into place, then it is another story.... but being separated for years and doing nothing about it......not fair to anybody involved, including the poor unsuspecting woman or man who is just going to be the one that will get hurt in the end. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 6:04:53 PM | Labeling us will not bother me, to each individual you all have the right to do what you want to do, but dont condemn some with out knowing what the reason was of being separated. About being to get together again? I dont think so. Apolinary, Tony3124, Petitegamine and Fires we all agree on something , which I hope they dont categorized us being bad cheating person.
So nice to see at least a few people actually understand. It's so weird, feeling so single but having this huge pressure to state the technicality so that people can condemn you. People who know me, know i am free of past entanglements. It is clear to me that i will only have friendships or relationships with people that are like minded, those that tend to be freer thinkers, less the neat little boxes type.
It's ok, i don't judge those who don't feel comfortable with the risk they associate with separated people, and i see that in some situations their concern is warranted. I just don't appreciate being judged, tarred and feathered when they really have nothing to base their opinions on. I tend to be much more open minded in most things, being intolerant and judgmental is just not my style. yes i have preferences, but i just make my choices without feeling the need to run around all pious... i feel like i should be handing out halo's to many of this thread's saints.... | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 6:08:54 PM | I guess the only thing I would ask of those who have been "separated" for 5+ yrs is it because of finances? I would think a person who has been separated for 10 yrs would want it finalized. That is unless there is a financial or a citizenship issue involved. But I don't really know. I'm seriously asking this question since divorce in the US is so easy to get once everything, financially, is worked out and settled.
Liz | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 6:10:11 PM | | Flowers et al, I in no way am condeming those who are separated/married and date--it simply clears it up for those of us who do not choose to date separated/married. It is easier to not start something than to have to end it. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 6:18:08 PM | I also wanted to state, of course seperated people can have boyfriend/girlfriends, that is more than likely why they are seperated :) So why not?
Ugh.... this is such a disgusting statement. Do you ever choke on your self-righteousness? OH no, not you, you took the moral high road and refused to actually date someone until you cleaned up all your dirt.... god. Yes you are such a fine example of what a decent human being is, yet you are so incredibly judgmental. To me that is one of the worst traits someone can have... IMHO.
are you saying they are separated because they cheat?? really? If so, i'm astounded at your ignorance. For the record i was married 12.5 years and never cheated.
Oh wait.... how silly of me, in your eyes i have now cheated. *rolls eyes* | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 6:34:01 PM | Fair enough outofthedesert... i'm not sure anything you said was of particular offense to me anyway.
I do understand why some would not be comfortable with it, and i have stated this more than once. I can totally get that. Just as i would not want to date some one hung up on an ex whether they were actually married or not. I just disagree with the self-righteous and holier than thou attitudes being displayed by some. I feel ill to see some of the extremely close minded views and unfair assumptions that get made...
Just as i dislike racism, discrimination or any other form of "justified" hatred and abuse toward others. Agreed some people are liars and cheats and do not think about anyone except themselves and hurt other people as a result, for those that assume separated people will typically do this is off base. People from all categories do this.
your post displayed the many options that would perhaps be more fair and accurate if we really want to know someone's history with relationships, why just pick on a few groups? | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 6:43:52 PM | | Separated means to me that a commit to a lasting realtionship is out of the question, by the time you feel like you want the divorce it could be a nother year to 3 or 4 and by that thie he or she has moved on as the avalabilty to commit was not thier. Peole that have prefer not to say leave it to people imagantion so they have no right to complain it say to me they are hiding something. It would seam if you are looking for a realtionship you would want to give every one the impression you do want a realtionship. When people leave it up to other to wounder about something the good and the bad will come to mind mostly the bad as the way the people are these days | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 7:49:25 PM | ^^^
sighs.... yes, I always forget that people prefer to make assumptions for the worst. Fine by me. I'm not hiding anything, but i prefer to share information with people that i feel comfortable sharing bits of my life with. When dealing with people on a one to one basis nothing stays hidden, but at least we are having a conversation that can dispel the assumptions or at least clarify what the situation is.
Honestly i'd just as soon weed out the rigid thinkers, the judgmental, the arrogant individuals.
Maybe people should stop wondering and actually talk to people ....
Funny, but being separated has not prevented me from leading a very normal life as a single. I feel so single it isn't even funny... the people i meet don't appear to have any issues with my status either... I guess honesty and lack of guilt, for I have done nothing wrong - go a long way with the kind of people i choose to share my life with.
I need to stop replying to this thread... just as you can't change people in the real world, not going to happen in the forums either. It really doesn't matter to me all that much what anyone thinks because it does not impact my life, bigotry just rubs me the wrong way is all.... | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 7:52:44 PM |
Peole that have prefer not to say leave it to people imagantion so they have no right to complain it say to me they are hiding something.
just for your consideration, not everyone sees prefer not to say the same way as you do, as evidenced by this portion of a recent email i received:
"I think the answer "prefer not to say" can mean many things. it could mean, yes, no, dunno or "lets talk about it" or "the answers provided do not accurately sum up my situation" and so on.."
thank god for those that choose to get all the facts rather than assume | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 7:57:12 PM | | Not biased.. just honest and have your preference..I too won't date a man who is seperated and not yet divorced or who is in the mist of a divorce.. I rather have someone who is complete free and able to have a bonifid relationship and not inherit a problem that they might be going through.. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 8:04:18 PM | I just have to say that there are couples that get divorced that get back together as well so for the people that say seperated means they could get back together or whatever... Divorce doesn't mean they won't! Right?
It is your choice who you want to date and who you don't. If you don't want to date someone who is legally married then don't! You don't need everyone else's okay not to date someone!!! | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 8:48:00 PM | The only reason I don't date seperated women is because I remember when I was in that spot. I would'nt have been good for anybody.
Meanwhile my seperated wife moved in with some guy, got herself pregnant and the state tried to hold me responsible for the hospital bills, and costs,etc....
As much as I would have liked to have been dating,there was no way anyone was going to stick around for me.And I would'nt have asked anyone to. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 9:14:25 PM |
Seperated ups the odds that you are going to get involved in some kind of Domestic violence situation by astronomical porportions. Do you really need a date so bad that you want to spend 2 to 20 years tied up in a police investigation? You are certainly going to have to get an attorney $$$$$$ to represent you if you do. Do you want to get hurt or your property destroyed. You can bet your car is going to catch it even if you are lucky enough to avoid serious injury. A beating or gunshot wound is a life long injury in many cases.
I think some people watch too much Miami Vice
I think the 'great one' needs to 'extract thine head from out thine bummy' and just maybe start watching a little 'too much' real life for a change??? This crap is a real and present danger to a common enough extent that it definitely IS worthy of consideration. It happens on tv and IN REALITY TOO. I hear about it happening all over. I've seen it locally. Excellent post PacificStar. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 9:20:40 PM | It gets old after a while.. seperated yet still married i meet. Usually lasts two dates. I just dont get why people who are still married are even on this even before the split up.
Its a game i think what is better.. if your not happy get divorced and stay single. I just dont get people.. its like rude drivers.. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 9:21:25 PM | Speaking from my experience as a man, in the very far past, I have been involved with a separated woman. I didn't know this from the first date, but found out later.
I find it emotionally difficult, because getting emotionally involved with someone who is not emotionally available is both painful and frustrating. And the unavailability pervades through all parts of the relationship - physical, mental and emotional.
For now, and certainly the past 10 years, my attitude is that you need to emotionally and physically separated. And available to be in a relationship. My preference is someone to have had a clean divorce. Most are not. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 9:34:15 PM | Well Hi...am always up for a controversial conversation. I can honestly say I have experienced all parts of this process from both sides....and no matter what I still believe that every person and situation is unique. I was married, two little kiddies and then the ultimate end came about 4 years ago. I can honestly say that when I ended the marriage...I walked away with a clear conscience and knew that I had given it my all. Unfortunately he did not walk away so happy and proceeded to make everything a battle....emotionally and legally.
I did focus on getting my life together and adjusting to coping with a toddler and baby on my own and even though I was over the marriage...I was not going to drag myself and my kids through endless relationships. Ironically my ex is the one bouncing from relationship to relationship and yet he is still not happy and continues to do the wrong thing by me and the kiddies. He has not bothered contacting or seeing his kids for nearly a year now, and to top it off his last low blow was to declare bankruptcy and he purposely left my name on a debt so that the creditors would come after me. Settling kids issues and property was a dragged out affair and very costly and it took nearly two years to finally be divorced. So I finally have that piece of paper...but what does it really mean. 4 years later and he is still trying to get me...'build a bridge and get over it'...I say!!! LOL.
So on the upside...I finally took the plunge and tried this online dating thing!!! I was seeing a guy for a couple of months and he was 'separated' and yes he was still not coping with the fallout...so needless to say...I did the clever thing and moved on!!
I always look on the bright side though...okay it didn't work out...but hey I am back out there and 'yipee' I really do believe there are special people out there.
So back online again and met this amazing guy...yes he was separated...he also lived in a different state...but we just clicked straight away. During the time we were seeing each other, his Divorce did come through and he was definately not going back to his ex. He had taken his time to deal with things before he went online and hadn't seen anyone before me, so I trusted my gut instincts and took the risk.
So why am I back on here then you ask???? LOL.
Due to circumstances beyond our control to do with his Army career and a serious back injury he has had to make the hardest decision to move to Brisbane where his family are. He also has two sons, one he is raising and the other lives with their mum. So we both agreed that it is not fair on either of us to keep doing the long distance thing...doesn't mean we don't care...but the hardest part of dealing with broken marriages and children is that you can no longer be selfish and do whatever you want. You have to look at the bigger picture.
Do I regret the past year now considering things have ended this way....NO WAY!!! After 3 years of being lonely and unhappy... I have had the best year yet.
So in summary... there are no guarantees in life and everything that we do takes courage and risk... so I really do believe that you have to trust in your own instincts and look at each person and each situation separately.
Life will never be black and white...although it would be a helluva lot easier if it was...LOL!!!
Happy 'Love' Hunting | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 9:37:09 PM | I totally agree, get a divorce and then go looking for a relationship! All these poor guys that are married/separated and aren't getting any at home.....why do they seem to think it is someone else's problem! Most of them have no desire to change their status!
So that says right away what they are looking for!
I asked a guy once why he was still just separated after several years and he said he was comfortable with the situation! It is, in my opinion some sort of defense mechanism....they hide behind their pseudo marriage so women will take pity on them and give them afffection!
I agree 100 percent, I don't even read profiles of married or separated fish! Get a life and then start fishing!
I have had the same thing said to me, I was married to the same man for nearly 40 years and it amazes me how so many people take these vows so lightly! | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 9:43:06 PM | I hear you...takes all kinds, I guess!!
Ya, separated and they live together.....what is that???
They just don't sleep in the same room......all the time!
Lots of happily married people have the same habit!! Everyone needs their space from time to time, in my opinion, and I was married nearly 40 years! (widowed)
Any excuse will do, I think! | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 9:48:15 PM | | I don't ask because the details of his troubled marriage should remain between him and his wife. It's none of my business! | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 9:50:14 PM | Y'know, cyn3100,
It's because of this post of yours that I stopped myself from perhaps getting involved with a person on this site that was categorized as "separated". I just want to thank you because everything you wrote makes so much logical sense! Thank goodness we didn't get too involved with getting to know each other.
Thanks again! | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/3/2007 10:23:49 PM | | That is fine if that is your opinion, but for me separated can mean alot of things and when you have to be the one to come up with the money for the divorce, then it may take awhile for the paperwork to go through especially when there has been domestic abuse involved in the relationship. | |
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