| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/4/2007 8:15:00 AM | Wellread? dont they make a lot of assumption too? Thanks for the warning, I am not really a bad person, I become one if I get treated badly. Take care and have a good day .  | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/4/2007 9:43:12 AM | I think seperated is just the same as divorce. Sometimes a divorce takes a long time. Some times people can't agree on how they want to split things up and don't want to give all their money to the lawyers to fight it out. I would definitely not limit my self from daring someone seperated. Divored people get back together all the time.
more so for separated but say you are separated and you cant get it seltled and thier is a bitter battle why i hell would you want to invole some with your heart ache and pain. Expecting some one to surpot you while you go thur the bs is kind thing to do to any one, I have never been divorced but i sure wouls not suport anyone as that is thier battle. Now dont say they dont get invole with your divorce if they are with you they are involed maybe on different levels but they are involed they get to see how much you might hate the other person they will see how the fight is going for possions and childeren, now do you want your SO to see how bitter you are. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/4/2007 9:48:53 AM | | You're not wrong, you're simply more narrow-minded in this regard and so this will limit your possiilities of finding someone........ | |
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hivguy
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Joined: 9/13/2007
Msg: 129 | |
| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/4/2007 10:19:06 AM | bravo...i am sep and divorce is dragging on at great expense...i am only looking 4 casual dating..i try 2 b very upfront in my profiles...i am in the small hiv+ dating pool and i dont c any good in lying about anything...we all hope 2 find THE ONE...but there is much 2 b gained from just talking 2 and evenkissing lots of frogs...i dont think we r getting any younger and each day is full of chances+choices...thanks...ray | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/4/2007 10:43:26 AM | I don't think you are wrong. Absolutely your choice in the matter.
I do think there is some cloudiness in the definition of separated, and different meanings would have different implications to me.
To me;
Separated indicates that someone has been asked to leave, and you are living apart, but no divorce papers have been filed. You might even still be in marriage counseling because the decision hasn't really been made. In this separation I would not want to date you. I think you should complete your decision process before being distracted elsewhere. I have heard that some people separate and take years to file for divorce simply because they are lazy or for money issues. I would be wary of those excuses.
Legally separated is when divorce papers have been filed and the divorce process is grinding along. I think people in this position class themselves as separated, because it's the legal term, but I consider them 'pre-divorced. Divorce can take years, and it does seem unfair to expect anyone to withdraw from life until a divorce is final.
Every situation is different and would need to be evaluated individually, but as a general rule I would say no to 'separated'. Legally separated, pre-divorced is open to exploration.
I hear that one reason you would be reluctant to date someone 'separated' is in the fear that they would leave you to return to their ex. You have that uncertainty in all relationships. Divorced people have been known to remarry. Never-marrieds could find someone new and more interesting at the supermarket. Regardless of marital status the trick, if you are looking for a mate and not just a good time, is to determine their honor and integrity. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/4/2007 10:59:47 AM | This is a response to message #117 by nona37.
"Actually I do not choke on my own self-righeousness,,however I am fast becoming nauseous of all the whinning exhibited by the "seperated" people on this thread………"
nona37
I’m sorry if my post was deemed whiny by you or any other posters. I didn’t mean to offend.
The reason I described my situation at length and volunteered the details of my divorce was to give some illustrative content to the voices I felt needed to be heard on a subject relevant to my own experience… that and my natural tendency to be thorough and exact.
Now my thoughts on what I consider rather obvious, but was diluted and overlooked with the rampant acrimony exhibited on this thread:
First, no one is obligated to date those who don’t meet their criteria, whatever the criteria may be. If a person’s marital status is what bothers you or gives you pause, it is entirely within your right and reason to refuse to get involved with him or her. No need to defend your choice and no need to pay attention to anyone who complains about what is clearly your prerogative.
Second, anyone who has had repeated negative experiences with dating “separated” people would be wise to turn down potential dates belonging in that category. It helps to keep the drama down and not add to your tainted view of that particular group.
Third, the characterization or insinuation that “separated” people are more than likely adulterous, immoral, desperate, attention-seeking, pity-fishing, etc., is grossly unfair and offensive. The same could be true of anyone who has that bent regardless of their current marital status. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/4/2007 11:42:54 AM | Someone please tell lucilou she is right, because it's obvious she is going to keep spewing until she hears that.
Man, I was married to one like you for a thousand years. Keep badgering until people get tired of hearing you and then give in.... | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/4/2007 12:25:40 PM |
Leesie?? What is the difference between ligitimate and illigitimate child?
This addressed to me? No matter, I'll field it:
(keeping EastSideEddie's post in mind...)
You're absolutely right.
!Les
(you owe me BIG TIME for that one, bro...)  | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/4/2007 3:00:40 PM | The term "separated" can mean anything from legalities in place and divorce proceedings underway, to .... had a fight with my wife and I'm camping out at a buddy's for a few days.
Many separated guys take offence when if a lady isn't interested because of that.
There's lots of guys and ladies who don't have a problem with the separated issue, and those of us who aren't comfortable with the concept don't need to apologize. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/4/2007 3:27:50 PM | Separated is just a word...a label. I wouldn't suggest anyone making blanket statements such as "I wouldn't date anyone who is separate". I was separated for years before finalizing our divorce. It had nothing to do with the possibility of getting back together or wallowing in lost love. It was in point of fact the best avenue for our two children and today my ex and I are friends (not the sworn enemies so many here think of their ex's).
I wouldn't date someone who separated last week, last month, or even 6 months ago from their long time boyfriend or husband without talking to them first and getting to know their individual situation. Why is the separated label only valid on a marriage gone sour and not a relationship....and what makes one ok to date and the other not? I do not want to be the bounce-back relationship for anyone, however I don't wish to close the door arbitrarily on the prospect of meeting someone wonderful only because of a label. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/4/2007 3:29:51 PM | I do not believe in "separated" status for a number of reasons (practical as well as moral).
1. "separated" can always decide to get back with his ex- and "work things out" because of kids, the perspective of expensive divorce and paying alimony etc.
2. even if they are truly not together and everything is "over", there's still impending trauma and drama and stress of upcoming divorce. More likely than not you will be his "shrink" listening about how evil and greedy the ex- is, how short the money is etc.
3. It takes a while for things to settle and a person (anyone, man or woman) become available again. And I mean available and ready emotionally, mentally and not necessarily just legally. If they are still "separated", it may take years (see item 2).
4. Even if a "separation" is swiftly progressing to the divorce, the newly divorced person is likely be either still hurting and re-living all that drama, or "celebrating newfound freedom". they may need a "party buddy" to help them celebrate. It is unlikely that they will be ready for a relationship that can lead to LTR/marriage. if you are looking for LTR.. you may end up waiting for years .. and likely in vain. (of course, if you just looking to spend time, hang out etc this consideration will not apply). However Items 1 and 2 may still be applicable.
5. almost inevitably you will have a 3rd person in your relationship - the ex-. The ex- will be mentioned, (how bad/good/unfair that person was). Do you really need the 3rd person in your life... and bedroom?
6. There are moral reasons, but I won't discuss those as we all have different understandings...
I have been contacted by quite a few "separated" gentlemen on another site. . Some had 'divorced' in their status. In further communications, and after hearing a long list of cheery adjectives about how "together", upbeat and positive and relationship-ready they are.. the truth comes out - they have been separated from their wife of years for a months. They are looking to develop new friendships and they are sooo ready to start experiencing life etc etc etc but they are not ready for anything serious. Well, I had splendid time talking to you. I hope you will find what you are looking for. Bye | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/4/2007 3:36:14 PM | | all of the above are my own observations and opinions of course. I am sure that, like in anything else, there are exceptions. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/4/2007 3:49:02 PM |
I keep getting these guys who are separated from their wives. To me, that's not single.
No you're not biased. These guys are lying to you about their situation and feelings about you most likely. And this goes both ways. I dated a woman who was "seperated" from her husband - she wanted a finalized and formal divorce and he wouldn't give it to her according to her version. Turned out the seperation was really more in her own mind than anywhere else - they lived together, had a daughter together and probably still slept together. Same is most likely true with these guys, unless the divorce is final and at least a year in the past, you should stay away in my opinion.
And I'm speaking as someone who is divorced...when I was seperated from my ex, I still felt like I was married and didn't want to date until we decided we were really going to end it. Technically the "seperation" is supposed to be to see if you really miss each other and want to work things out, not to play the field with other women. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/4/2007 3:52:37 PM | | You are not wrong for this in fact this is the smartest thing you can do in that kinda situation. A person that is not divorced could get your heart involved then turn around and go back to their spouse at the drop of a hat, leaving you to deal with the emotional baggage while they are back with their spouse thinking to themselves ha ha I still got it. If they are ready for a another relationship they will make sure that they finish the last one first. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/4/2007 3:53:54 PM | I think seperated is just the same as divorce. Sometimes a divorce takes a long time. Some times people can't agree on how they want to split things up and don't want to give all their money to the lawyers to fight it out. I would definitely not limit my self from daring someone seperated. Divored people get back together all the time.
This answer is disengenuous and misleading. And divorces don't always need fighting lawyers - mine didn't. My ex and I ended very well (as well as a sad occasion like a divorce can end) and are still good friends.
But seperated is not the same as divorced. Assets are not that hard to split. Usually one party wants to end things more than the other and that's why there is this "limbo" state. It's a dangerous place in a dying relationship for a new person to insert themselves because the risk of that new person being misled and hurt is very high.
And I don't know many people outside of celebs - whose marriages aren't real anyway - getting back together after going through something as deep as a divorce. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/4/2007 4:30:38 PM | OP,
I agree with you 110% - separated does not divorced make.
Separated has too many strings and too much drama attached to it most times.
Don't let anyone pressure you into a relationship you don't want. .. . . better to wait for the wait guy than to compromise your standards.
good luck to you! | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/4/2007 4:31:40 PM | A lot of commentary, and personalization--which is normal.
I agree with your position about not dating someone separated. And with the posters that said there is no need to justify your relationship standards. And yes, the separated guys that complain are free to have their opinion, and a relationship...with someone else.
The term separated is a legal one, and it only means (living) apart in terms of bed and board. But one is still very much married. So much so that--if the other spouse wished--s/he could hire someone to verify that adultery was being committed by the separated spouse "trying to live his life and not be held up" by the entanglement. There is no such legal terma as 'pre-divorced', and marriage is a legality, a contract. That is why the courts are involved, and no one is truly 'free' until getting that decree.
As for the poster that recommended "sifting" each guy on a case-by-case basis. That 'sifting' would require the single person to put themselves (i.e., heart, emotions, time) out there for someone that is not able to "start from scratch" (divorced/not married). I say, finish the meal on one's plate before trying to serve yourself something/someone new. And that includes giving oneself some time to reflect (or even "heal" if necessary) from the marriage.
Case in point, if you have a divorce that is being prolonged, or that is problematic--that virtually screams that all the letting go/resolution has not yet happened (no matter which party is dragging their feet). Because divorcing parties that are able to come to agreement can do so with court mediaters to keep it from being so long winded/expensive. And, if you are agreeable, virtually every court jurisdiction provides forms and instructions online/via mail for you to file for the sake of lessening expense/time.
Finally (yes, finally), I am confused with the postings that state 'separation was the better venue for the good of the kids' vs. divorcing. Does that mean (they) are still residing under the same roof? (Which legally separated people can do--but that is soooo very convenient and touchy. Familiarity can breed some steamy/convenient nights on a cold winter's ever/sultry summer night. LOL) If (they) were not still residing together, then why not move ahead to divorce? The bottom line for the kids is if mommy and daddy do not live together anymore. If you are attempting to soften it because you do not have to say the word 'divorced'--then, doesn't that encourage false hope in the child(ren)? Children (and life) work better with clear parameters. It's the fuzziness that causes problems in the children's minds/world--and for the cyn3100s that choose not to date separated guys.
And yes--I know--you may disagree. I agree with your right to do so.  | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/4/2007 4:43:52 PM | | "Flowers from the Fire". Well said ,all of your postings. You can put things in words much better than I. Personally I loathe someone who hasn't even met me telling me how I "can't possibly be ready for a relationship" and that I'm more likely to return to my ex than anyone else. You're absolutely right, a piece of paper is meaningless. Many people who are currently married yet unfaithful can attest to that. I suppose it's too much to ask for someone to take you at face value and find out for themselves. I also don't feel the need to explain my personal circumstances to anyone other than a person I'm involved with. In which case, all they have to do is ask. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/4/2007 4:51:40 PM | | Cabindude, as always , there are exceptions. But they are just that - exceptions. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/4/2007 5:27:29 PM | Easteast side?? Hope I dont look like your wife, if I did look like her, I would have left you long time ago, badgering will not be on my mind if I was married to you. Other side of the story I wonder why she did what she did to you lol  | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/4/2007 5:38:00 PM | | Skyblue jeep -"take at minimum one year" OMG I just had to laugh. Here in Canada it used to be 3 years before you could get a divorce! That's what I had to wait. I think 1 year is super! | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/4/2007 5:48:27 PM | | Well thank goodness that changed then. I couldn't stand the thought of hearing myself snivel my way through 36 months of that crap lol. I hope it will become even quicker in the future, as quick as it is for someone to decide to be unfaithful to their partner. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/4/2007 6:18:56 PM | | I have been seperated for over 2 years now. Every situation is different. I don't quite understand how that would be any different than dating a person that has ever had any other relationship in there life. You run a risk with anyone. There is always the ex spouse or ex guy/gal friend that may want to get back together. To me that is running scared of life. Everytime you put you emotions out there you run a risk of being hurt. I have met people who have been divorced for years and can't get past it. It is all just papers. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/4/2007 6:31:14 PM | I know a few couples who oppted out of the legal area of marriage because of so much confusion and drama.They pick a small and intimate setting,with only family and friends and a preist,and exchange vow's in front of those chosen few.
As far as I know they have outlasted most traditional couples.  | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/4/2007 6:51:09 PM | gtpie. An answer to your question can be found in the bible. Look at 1 Corinthians: 7. There is principles for married life set out. Technicaly anyone who has been married rather there seperated or divorced on paper, even a widow, if there a beliver or there husband/wife was a beliver should ever be with anyone else.
So if we base ourselves on this none of us that have ever been married should be here looking for another person to share life with. | |
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