| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/4/2007 11:38:13 PM | REd N Blue
You certainly raise some valid points, which I too would take into consideration if a situation warranted.
i do just want to point out that many issues can be the very same for those that were involved in a relationship that was never an official marriage. case in point:
5. almost inevitably you will have a 3rd person in your relationship - the ex-. The ex- will be mentioned, (how bad/good/unfair that person was). Do you really need the 3rd person in your life... and bedroom? ANYONE with an ex could face this dilemna. The interesting thing is that they would not be labeled separated and therefore would not face the same stigma..... in fact, some would not even have the lovely label as a heads up.
Hmmmmmm......
I do think we are all talking about vastly different situations, i for one would not rise to the defense of those that truly have not given themselves the space or time to know for certain where their heads and hearts are at. Or those who are plain cheating. There is an inherent double standard though, because the reality is anyone, married previously or not, can be hung up on ex. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/4/2007 11:48:24 PM | Thank you cabindude, i do my best...
it's funny because i get where some people are coming from with no holds barred, but like you, i too loathe the stereotyping and assumptions people are inclined to make.
I wonder if everyone shouldn't be quizzing all potential suitors as to their relationship history before they even consider anything further with them... because all these issues (short of the legal and property) can occur with anyone. People have been in relationships with someone and returned to them after dumping their current squeeze, this happens all the time, the only difference being they weren't officially "separated". They only had to break up with their former love and so no one was the wiser as to the potential baggage they were hauling.
Someone said it best on page six... how we all take risks, no matter what. Granted those should be calculated risks and obviously some situations would fall in the risky category, but this is straight across the board.
I don't mind really, if there are people who want nothing to do with me based on a few words or details, because it tells me so much about them. I agree with you that these discussions should occur with those you actually have a bit of dialogue with not every passing stranger.
We deserve some privacy just as much as anyone else that has had to go through the loss of any relationship no matter what category if falls under. Personally i would love to see how people would feel if they were obligated to disclose their heartbreaks and failed relationships in the same manner that we are expected to. Of course i am not promoting non-disclosure either, but i mean as far as having it listed on your profile for all to see and judge. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/4/2007 11:50:33 PM | ^^^It was kdbugg, so very true what she says, not just those divorced that can't get past it, but anyone who has loved and lost, some people never move on.
I have been seperated for over 2 years now. Every situation is different. I don't quite understand how that would be any different than dating a person that has ever had any other relationship in there life. You run a risk with anyone. There is always the ex spouse or ex guy/gal friend that may want to get back together. To me that is running scared of life. Everytime you put you emotions out there you run a risk of being hurt. I have met people who have been divorced for years and can't get past it. It is all just papers. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/5/2007 1:14:07 AM | Flowers from the fire, for the record, I agree with your arguments and statements.
To me, being separated and in a physical relationship with a person not your spouse is technically adultery.
So what?
For me, it starts as a bit of a red flag to simply get more clarification.
In time, the facts may turn it into a big deal, or it may mean absolutely next to nothing, entirely depending on that person's situation.
And before anyone goes even one step forward with PRESENTING any and all assumptions about that persons conduct to others, they, in all fairness, should suspend their prejudgemental remarks before gathering the facts.
Now based upon all of what you had to say, it appears that, in your situation, the issue of being separated is seemingly a mere technicality.
It appears that you conduct yourself with integrity and are a fine example to others. You have good and well thought out reasons for not ending the separation, and I have little doubt that myself, or anyone else in your situation would be doing otherwise.
So for those who have judged you as a wretched person, it appears to be, indeed, their attitude that is wretched, not you. Please do not let their bad attitude have an effect on how you may possibly perceive to be seen by the sensible individuals on here.  | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/5/2007 2:12:05 AM | Cyn3100, I would not consider dating a man who is seperated. In fact, that is how my ex ended up cheating on me. He told women he was "separated" when I (THE WIFE) was only out of town for the weekend. Check out another thread... something like "why don't women date separated men" help me out folks. He clearly states that there is only a small chance that they will get back together! If it is as "over" as they say...get a friggin' divorce already! Don't you want to make sure the title is clear before you buy? | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/5/2007 3:36:14 AM | | Sure a divorced person has alot to do with exs if thier is childeren involed and yes thier is a few that do go back. But a separated person dont have an ex they have a married spouse which means thier is alot more to deal with if you are looking for a serious realtionship, at this time all you have is a FWB as you cant not commit. Most likely your bf or gf is divorced as i would say 90 to 95 percent are here on this site. Thier is a bigger chance that a separated person will go back to thier spouse long before a divorced person will and i do belive that some of the separated are just not telling the truth and have no intetion of divorceing so how is a person to know who is lieing and than thier is some that are separted that dont really want the divorce. Some say they are in the prosess of getting a divorce and it can take time but 4 , 5 10 years is very hard to belive if it is takeing that long thier is alot of bitterness than. Now your bf or gf becomes your punching bag as you battle your spouse and you fight in the divorce dont say he or she dont cause they are you come home from a meeting to get the divorce and it didnt go your way you are upset and you wined up taking it out on them so how many are going to stick around to go thur that. I have seen separated ladys on here i would have liked to chat with but i wont as they have nufinished bussinesss to take care of and i dont want to get involed with thier battle like kdbugg and a few others . | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/5/2007 4:01:14 AM | The one thing I've noticed (on both sides of the fence) is it is the legal document holding back (some of us) from dating a separated person. The separated ones who date say the paper makes no difference. I guess my question would be this: If the paperwork was important enough to marry for it, why isn't it important enough to wait for the end of the marriage; legally? The separated ones wanted the paperwork to start but don't necessarily care for the paperwork to end. That's my true confusion.
And Cyn, I was so appalled to read that statement about how one poster criticized you. I'm sure you were probably raised with more love and caring than some. All people are legitimate and the stigma of what might have been in the 50's is (or should be) past at this time in history. I wonder if those who judge a person who was born out of wedlock are the same that consider ethnicities other than caucasian and bi-racial people as second class citizens? I hate that you had to read that about what someone thought of you.
We cannot help what our parents have done, our spouses have done, our friends have done; but we can help what we do. If separated people are fine with it, ok. I would never have been happy with a 7 yr separation. Especially knowing my "separated" (he told his online gf's that he was single and married only once when I found out I was number 3 afterwards) husband was cheating the entire time. That is just my preference and certainly don't have the energy or desire to change someone's mind. My own is tired and just know I could never be the go to person for a man in a separation and/or actually divorcing. Mine was emotional enough. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/5/2007 5:44:24 AM | | I don't have any battle with my husband he has been gone for over 2 years. There are situations that are out of your control. Hate is a strong emotion, even more physicaly binding then love, if you have hate in your heart for that person you are not going to move on rather you was married to the person or not. My profile states upfront that I would tell the situation on a one on one basic. My profile also states that i am looking for friends. Is it wrong to want to have friends.? If a person is looking for the physical only there are many easier ways to find that. The ones that are out here married and telling lies about there status, claim to be seperated, that is a different story. People just need to talk to each other no matter what. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/5/2007 6:42:18 AM | | I'm listed as separated but I completely agree with you! My own husband used to tell people we were separated and/or "getting divorced" while he was running around on me. (even though we'd never discussed it!) He's lived with his mistress since May, and *I* filed for divorce in July after giving him every opportunity to make things right with us. Our divorce is supposed to be final this month. But who knows if that will actually happen on time. But I respect people 100% who choose not to interact with me because of my legally married status. I do have plenty of copies of my divorce petition though to prove my story, unlike most of the people who are "separated and divorcing". From what I've experienced, those people say what they want to justify their adultery, and often times their spouse has absolutely no idea about it. Like someone said, I think WAY too many people use it as a way to be "married but looking". Even though my situation is completely honest and valid, I realize that many more aren't. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/5/2007 8:28:11 AM | Me either and I totally agree..
One if they are separated I would never want to get in the way of them getting back
2) until they are separated and divorsed for a few years all they do is obsess over her or him and blah blah and your the therapist
and its a veryyyyyyyyyy smart choice on your part
and funny I should see this today
as I met this man on here whose profile said he was DIVORSED and when we first spoke I asked for how long and he LIED and said for 3 months but we were apart for 2 and a half years so I thought ok well thats ok.
omg
This man chased me and chased me and we fell in love or so he said and I of course wanting to be married and it says in my profile and in his too
I asked if he wanted to be married again and he said of course
wellllllllllllllllllllllllllll
after h im winning my trust and making me fall in love
and I did
we went out last night and allllllllllllllllllllllllllll he did was talk about his ex both good and bad
and I asked him politley to stop
and he said defenstily im not talking abouther its cause youuuuuuuuu asked and i hate talking about her
So i said ok fine i dont remmber asking and im sorry if i sound rude but it is our time together and i have listened alot
and can we move on about us
he said ok
and immediatly went back ragingggggggggg about her for2 hours
why I did not walk out i don tknow
it was cold out i was like well im not home watching tv
then HE DUMPED ME LIKE A HOT POTATO SAYNG I DONT WANT TO BE MARRIED AND YOU DO
i SAID WAIt what happend to we are together now we will be doing this for thanksiginvgt and this for xmas ( all his ideas not mine)
then boom
and by the way he is NOT DIVORSED
IT IS N OT FINAL TILL 3 MORE MONTHS MAYBE
AND I SAID SO YOU LIED
HE SAID I DID NOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
IN MY HEAD I FEEL DIVORSED
I SAID WELL I CAN FEEL MARRIED BUT IT DOESNT MAKE ME MARRIED AND IT WAS AN OUT AND OUT LIE
NO NO NO IT WAS NOT
OMG
AND THEN OH I NEVER SAID I WNATED TO MARRY AGAIN OR YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
BLAH BLAH BLAH
WHAT A WASTE OF 2 MONTHS
I SAID YOU NEED TO GO BACK TO YOUR PROFILE AND PUT IN
THAT YOU ARE SEPARATED AND THAT YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE RE MARRID AND HE SAID
NO I DONT I CAN PUT IN LONG TERM AND ITS UP TO THEM TO FIGURE IT OUT
OMG
WHAT A JERK BABY LYING BLAH BLAH
AND I HAVE CANCER
AND HE KNOWS THAT AND WAS GOIGN TO COME TO THE DRS WITH ME
AND I GAVE HIM EVERY CHANCE TO RUN
I GIVEUP
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
YES AND EVEN IF THEY SAY THEY ARE DIVORSED ASK TO SEE THE PAPERS
YOUR SMART
AND THEN STILL WAIT FOR A YEAR OR 2 OR 3 CASUE YOU WILL BE MISS THERAPIST
UGH
SO YES YES YES YOUR RIGHT ON GF
PRAY FOR ME IM ABOUT TO GIVE UP ON ALL DATING FOREVER
IM BUMMED | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/5/2007 3:19:03 PM | vinny1234 I think seperated is just the same as divorce.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's not the same as divorce, it's that your still married and dealin with issues while you are separated. While your divorce is in process in the mean time it can be bitter or friendly , depends how you wanna settle it. After divorce, your agreements have to stay intact and they can't be changed. ( I've been down that road and nothing he can do now after our divorce went through). | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/6/2007 12:23:28 AM |
Flowers: Thank you for understanding, and yes, I was going a couple of rounds with the aforementioned person, but I must say, I have been seperated myself, I know it is a section of life that really stinks, I must say, after reading your reply above to me that you and I do stand on two different sides of the fence, it does seem you stand on the side where yes, you are seperated, but you are a good person and a victim of circumstance, and I'm truly sorry for that :( I however, am on the side who has been burned by "seperated" people, a few in my lifetime unfortunately, and my bad attitude stems from this. I feel same as you, there are good/bad people on both sides of the fence, those on my side that understand/or may be judgmental, and then there is your side, where the bad ones makes it look bad for all of you. I do not believe that all who are seperated are cheating pigs, and I do know how the court systems can slow things down tremendously, nonetheless, I wish you well and I hope your life is truly rewarding and I hope the day comes you do meet the man of your dreams and this period of your life can be looked upon as something that made you stronger. :)
Thanks Nona for this... i think at this point it would seem for the most part we do in fact agree.
Ultimately i just would hope we can all be a little gentler and kinder with one another... but i know when we get burned it makes us build those walls extra high, and develop a fierceness that will prevent us from experiencing that again. So i understand in the long run...
even in my bid to promote understanding i also get heated and perhaps not so kind, one of those ironies of life.... but i do see it. I apologize for any harsh words i may have used in my attempt to show the other side.
I know i am stronger, I know that i have learned much and i know that I have a long ways to go in this journey called life.
I do truly hope to get my legalities resolved sooner than later, if nothing else perhaps this thread will be further incentive. Not so much to please or appease others, but just because i do want to close this chapter with finality, then it will be one thing that i need not consider any longer. Sometimes you have to stop and rest awhile before you go back at it..... | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/6/2007 12:33:39 AM |
The one thing I've noticed (on both sides of the fence) is it is the legal document holding back (some of us) from dating a separated person. The separated ones who date say the paper makes no difference. I guess my question would be this: If the paperwork was important enough to marry for it, why isn't it important enough to wait for the end of the marriage; legally? The separated ones wanted the paperwork to start but don't necessarily care for the paperwork to end. That's my true confusion.
My response to this question of your's would be, that at one time many, many years ago i decided to get married. A lot has happened and i have changed very much since that time. My beliefs are not the same that they were all those years ago. So while i accept that it is something that i would prefer to resolve it also does not cause me to feel that i can't move on in my life until i have done so. If it had been simpler, i would have had it done at the earliest date possible as i feel so disconnected from my ex-husband and truly want no ties to him. He wasn't and isn't the nicest man, even more reason why i would want nothing to do with him.
Case in point i reverted back to my maiden name within 6 months of separating from him, i wanted my identity back and i did not want his name any longer. It was symbolic of taking back my life. I did that quickly because it was easy.
In fact my views on marriage have changed so much that i'm not sure i will ever marry again. I think it's quite possible to be just as much if not more committed without a legal document if the two of you are like minded. So i don't feel it's a double standard, just a result of difficulties on top of changed perspectives.
And honestly the paper wasn't important enough to marry for, that was just how things were done. *shrugs* If i'd known better i would have skipped that damn paper that has caused so much grief. Hell can i burn my marriage certificate and call it done??? lol *tongue sticky outy smiley here* | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/6/2007 12:44:12 AM | Thank you skyblujeep....
i do appreciate what you have to say in that regard. It is a bit shocking sometimes to be living your life and not having issues with these elements and than be confronted with some pretty hostile and uncomplimentary takes on your own personal situation. A bit like an ice cold bucket of water in your face... lol.
I do understand though that we all have different opinions and that variety is what helps us all get by in life. WE can't all be the same.
My mom raised me too well, always taught me not to discriminate, and i guess i feel pretty affronted when i run into it no matter the topic. As stated though, i do understand the need for caution, but please don't paint me with that brush of foul smelling goo ... that's all. Unless i behave in a manner deserving of it that is... (not referring to you specifically in case that isn't clear...)
The only reason i enter into the fray on these topics is in the hope of bringing some understanding, i know though that anytime you subject your private life to public discussion you are going to take some lumps. It's ok, it helps me grow a thicker skin. *big grin*
Thanks for your endorsement, i'm far from perfect, but i do value honesty and integrity and believe i am doing the best i can with my situation. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/6/2007 3:41:09 AM | Flowers, do you know I keep my marriage license with me at all times?  It serves as a reminder what a fool I was!
I understand that people want to move on in their lives; truly I do. And I applaud those for knowing when it was time to get out. I hope yours comes to a close as quickly and as easily as possible; also for the others wanting their divorce.
This I will say; no matter how long a person has to wait for the divorce and they think the "feelings" are gone, the finality of that piece of paper is sobering. Although my ex had refused my paperwork numerous times and after 6 months finally got him to sign, I walked out of that court all alone. I walked in alone, but I REALLY walked out all alone. I thought I had resolved things in my head before that, but apparently I didn't.
Our divorce court, ironically, was across the hall from the justice of the peace. That day when I walked out, there was this early 20's couple in their obviously brand new clothes (the best they could afford) waiting for their "time". They were so happy. I wanted to shake them and say wake up you idiots! But I envied them their innocence and huge love. Some days I think back and wonder if they're still married and in love. I hope so, because other than my parents, I've never seen such love with a couple. In an odd way, they gave me hope when I felt there was none after I walked out of divorce court with a signed and sealed document and had to go get registered copies of it. I barely made it out of the court house until I just bawled my eyes out in the parking lot. Divorce will hurt no matter how long the marriage has been dead. It, I don't know how to explain it better, but the actual paper feels like being defeated by a rival on the playing field. No, actually, it is sickening and I hated myself for things I had not done, but was stupid enough to overlook and not accept.
This is my reason for not dating separated people and only my reason. If someone has the strength and patience to date a separated person, I wish all well. I know my divorce was a drain on me as a person and it was my personal he//. I don't want to live with someone else's as they go through it.
Liz | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/7/2007 1:07:06 AM | I think I'm being misunderstood. I'm not telling anyone else what they should or should not do. There are people for whom the separation thing is no problem. That's fine by me. That's their choice. This is mine.
I've learned from this experience that sometimes saying what you won't do makes some people think you are judging them for what THEY do. That was NEVER my intension. I don't blame anyone for not wanting to be alone. That's normal and very human.
I apologize to anyone who thinks I was judging them. Please know that I wasn't. I hope we all find what we are looking for. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/7/2007 1:14:42 AM | wellread: I am only assuming they are not legally divorced, so proceeding with the relationship will be more complicated than what I would like. I assume nothing about their state of mind and my religion has nothing to do with it.
I have gone out with "separated" before. That's how I came to this decision, so this IS based on my own experience. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/7/2007 1:20:59 AM | hugmeister: Actually this has opened up a LOT of possibilities for me. Once I decided this, it focused my energy on what I do want. I became a dating machine! Sometimes realizing what you don't want makes what you do want clearer and easier to find.
Good luck in your search! | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/7/2007 1:30:48 AM | | christophe1971: Do you have a clone living in New Mexico? You're EXACTLY the type of guy I'm looking for! You get it. Contrary to what people have assumed, one of the reasons I feel this way is that I'm pulling for the marriage to work out! If there is a way to make the marriage work, I'd love to see that happen especially if there are kids involved. | |
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| Don't do separated...according to LAW OF ATTRACTION...
Posted: 11/7/2007 2:09:51 AM | now that you are also clear about what you don't want, release this and become more aware of the thoughts that are bringing you these separated guys for you are creating this. As you meditate and slow your thoughts down...become more aware of the stream of thoughtforms that are associated with "attracting separated men" instead of single ones. GET CLEARER... this is a life long process that we all can infinitely get better at. And attracting the separated men is a part of that process. Until you have had enough of attracting the separated men, you will continue to attract them until you get the learnings. Focus more on choosing & holding the thoughtforms that go more with your IDEA of single men. There of course is no need to explain or apologize to anyone regarding your choices. Just use the energy from any "haters" to get even more clearer about your choices. CLAIM your single ideal man even more NOW. Release wanting him or desiring him...move more into actually feeling like you already HAVE him NOW...move more into BEING the woman that has her ideal single man now. Feel, smell, see, touch, taste your ideal single man even more now...and how you are BEING with him...for this helps you collapse the past and future into the NOW more. Clarity is power and power is for use more and more each day NOW.
Blessings, Mack | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/7/2007 2:39:10 AM | | Yes very wise not to do separated! I made this mistake although I was reluctant and the guy assured me the separation was for good he was" never going back with his wife "but.... he did and I was the one left hurting wished I had stuck by my first thoughts so we learn by our mistakes no separated guys for me!!! | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/7/2007 4:02:41 AM | This is SO polarized it is almost funny.
All of you who support dating separated people have done so yourself. Great way to validate yourself!!! | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/10/2007 11:16:44 AM | I dated a guy who was separated once. I was separated at the time too so thought no big deal. We had both been apart from our spouses for 2.5 years. Everything was great until he went back to his wife to give it another shot for his kids sake.
Not going to do that again. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/10/2007 2:12:42 PM | | Have you ever asked the guy why he has not got Divorced? Alot of the times its more to it then you think.... | |
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