| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/10/2007 2:19:10 PM | | to Red N Blue....you took the words right out of my mouth and I think your post by far is the real reason its difficult to date a separeted man, especially if you are looking for a LTR...it really doesn't work,..i've been very open minded about this topic, but I have also found at the end of the day.....I've turned into a shrink, a lawyer, and a friend with benefits....I'm personally tired of being a punching bag for someone. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/10/2007 5:27:49 PM | | I just want to add my 2 cents. I was separated for all most 4 years before my ex husband would sign the divorce papers. Thank god my ex boyfriend didn't see me as still being married and gave me a chance. My marriage was long over before we even got separated. I would find out the whole story before making any judgements. You might miss out on someone special. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/12/2007 11:45:59 AM | | with all due respect.. every story is different indeed. But a lot of time it's just that - a "story" person tells you. Often they belive it themselves, a lot of wishfyul thinking involved. It's up to each individual one of us to decide whether to date separated people or not. For me the answer is a "no" for the reasons I have listed in an earlier post. Dating is complicated enough even if everything is good, so why look for a situation that can create even more potential obstacles and difficulties? I suppose I am not much of a gambler...And dating 'separated ' person is too much of a gamble rather than sound investmnent of my time, affection and energies. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/12/2007 5:10:34 PM |
I've had guys call me biased because of my feelings about this. Am I wrong for not giving these guys a chance?
I broke that rule. Recently. Won't do it again. Separated is NOT single and no matter how sugar-coated it is, it is a constant issues, constance problem and for the most part ~ a constant pain in the azz. OP you are wise to have that rule. Don't give in like I did, there is NO winning. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/12/2007 5:25:15 PM | I'm with Cyn on this too.
I don't do separated. Been there..done that..never do it again. I was seeing a guy sometime ago who was separated and every week he was "going to file for divorce next week" .
I was really burned because I was naive enough to believe that garbage. Never again.
Stick to your guns, Cyn. You do what feels right for you, not what someone else tells you you should do. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/12/2007 6:23:52 PM | Absolutely not! You gotta stand up for what you believe in.
If they'll date you while still married, they'll date others while with you most likely!! | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/12/2007 7:09:21 PM | I think it is up to you but you are limiting yourself.
Seperated men have experience and (I can only speak for me) have learnt from their mistakes and if they are still willing to look for a partner, chances are they will be a good man and know how to treat you because they have got it wrong once | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/12/2007 7:12:20 PM |
Seperated men have experience and (I can only speak for me) have learnt from their mistakes and if they are still willing to look for a partner, chances are they will be a good man and know how to treat you because they have got it wrong once so do the officially divorced men, don't they? And at least all the trauma and drama and custody battles and money-splitting issues and bitterness is done with. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/12/2007 7:19:24 PM | | I dont do seperated or married either..There are always 2 people still involved and its best they get their stuff figured out first...Plus I think people need time to be with temselves a bit...to be comfortable alone before they start something up with another person jmo. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/12/2007 9:20:23 PM | NOT EVERY "separated "situation is the same people....
Once upon a time, a man was so fortunate to find his wife in bed with another woman. He then left and moved half way across country to clear his head and start again. Now there's nothing but papers standin between him and being labeled "single" after 8 months on his own. Not all separated men are still married or have ties to the past...so some of you can take solice in that. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/12/2007 9:37:03 PM | Every situation is very unique for sure. I have probably been seperated more years than most people have been divorced.
My thought on this all personally is...I looked after the seperation, the division of assets, the custody. I always made it too easy for him. The kids are grown, we have nothing joint but I will be damned if i finalize the papers.
I figure if the guy is worth it I will get his signature. Otherwise what is the point. I moved on 12 yrs ago.
I am single. I am seperated. I don't know if there is someone out there I really want to marry. It is just a peice of paper. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/12/2007 9:42:41 PM | | I agree Seperated is still married. Men who move into another relationship while they are legally married are cheating on their wives and are not worthy of my time. I will make an exception if they have a legal seperation and are waiting for their divorce. If a man needs to have a life during this time he should get a hobby, take a course, spend time with friends, do some personal work getting his life in order before he adds another person in the mix. Seperated is too emotionally unavailable for this girl. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/12/2007 9:49:10 PM | | No i dont think you are necessarily wrong but there certainly needs to be a definate line drawn in the sand between seperated and being over her......I am seperated and i know i will never go back to her we are not divorced yet purely because of financial commitments .i take it the guys you have been dating are confused as to wether they are really over there ex's or not......i know what it is like i dated a lady off this site for 5 months only to have her ex come back on the scene and they are back together which quite franktly tore my heart out and it still hurts but better that it happened now and not in another 6 months. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/12/2007 9:50:09 PM | "I am looking for a guy who is SINGLE. I keep getting these guys who are separated from their wives. To me, that's not single. I don't want to date some woman's husband. I have never been married, so I've never gone through my own divorce. I don't want to go through anyone else's either.
I think marriage is important. I would NEVER violate that. Separated in your mind and heart doesn't count to me. I need paperwork!!
I've had guys call me biased because of my feelings about this. Am I wrong for not giving these guys a chance?"
Honestly, I have to agree with you on this one......... Funny, i am separated myself, but I can really see why someone would shy away from a profile that has "separated" listed . I even find myself not interested in someone who is separated? lol I have been separated for almost a year, and there is no way my soon to be ex and I are going to get back together, but how would someone else really know that is the case! I certainly can see someone not wanting to get involved as most "separations" mean baggage! I am soooo over my marriage and I carry no baggage, that is why I am here and ready to date. So, you just might want to feel these guys out, because some could very well be moved on , but just waiting to sign the papers. There could be a number a reasons why they haven't filed. Who knows??? But, I do see your concern!! | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/12/2007 9:51:07 PM | | If it is only a piece of paper then what is the big deal with getting it and actually being free. It is because a seperated couple wants their cake and eat it too. Usually it is financial which means any new person is getting short changed in more ways than one. I am showing my age I know but there used to be a term for the newly divorced called "walking wounded" and the standard wisdom was if you dated someone in this fragile state you could just about count on some indelible stains on your relationship. Divorce is an emotional experience that people heal from differently but for most a couple of years is realistic. Other wise they are not doing the emotional work necessary to be fair in the new relationship. With all the odds against relationships why start out in a hole. Especially with so many SINGLE people out there that have done the work. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/12/2007 10:08:19 PM | "If it is only a piece of paper then what is the big deal with getting it and actually being free. It is because a seperated couple wants their cake and eat it too. Usually it is financial which means any new person is getting short changed in more ways than one. I am showing my age I know but there used to be a term for the newly divorced called "walking wounded" and the standard wisdom was if you dated someone in this fragile state you could just about count on some indelible stains on your relationship. Divorce is an emotional experience that people heal from differently but for most a couple of years is realistic. Other wise they are not doing the emotional work necessary to be fair in the new relationship. With all the odds against relationships why start out in a hole. Especially with so many SINGLE people out there that have done the work."
OK! I do have to take up for some of the separated people her! We are single folks just like anyone else. Legally, we are married, but in my case it is financial reasons why we haven't filed.{i.e house, bills etc.} With all that being said - who says that we don't have the right to date like anyone else? I have been separated for almost a year. What would be the difference if my divorce was final for a year? I don't live with my soon to be ex, and we are not husband and wife in the traditional sense. I do believe that it's important that you heal, and have time for yourself before you take the next step and start dating again. If I wasn't ready to date, I definitely would not be on this site. And I know people who are divorced/single and have more baggage than me!  | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/12/2007 10:16:18 PM | The danger of labels is that we begin to confuse them (the labels) with the reality that they're supposed to imply.
I'm separated. Have been for almost 6 years now.
She is the one who left, but refuses to file for divorce based on her 'religious convictions' (let's not EVEN go there).
She told me that I would have to file and WHEN we get divorced, she will seek alimony. Despite being told by several friends that they can't imagine the court ordering alimony, I've consulted with a lawyer and have been told that the courts often sympathize with the woman and that it's certainly a possibility.
The only sure-fire way to avoid the risk of being ordered to pay alimony is not to file for a divorce. It's a simple legal strategy and not, as some have said in this thread, a matter of emotional availability or a lack of integrity or any other disparaging implication.
Meanwhile, we've both moved on with our lives.
Now, if ever I was interested in marrying someone again, I'd certainly file for divorce at that time but until any such marriage interest arises, why should I risk having to pay money to someone who left me simply because some people are prejudiced against the term 'separated' and the people who are honest enough to identify with that term?
We're talking about dating... getting to know someone, over time... both people looking for clues that this might be 'the one' and then, if both are looking for marriage, an engagement event. There's an awful lot that needs to occur before the marriage scenario comes into play; before divorce becomes a relevant concern.
Meanwhile, life goes on, for everyone.
I suspect some of you will cast aspersions at me and generalize about my situation -- so be it. I've done my best to explain my own personal situation and that's all I can do.  | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/13/2007 3:41:53 AM | | I am not a lawyer but are you sure they would order alimony? Hasn't she shown she is self-sufficent during the last 6 years? | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/13/2007 3:50:56 AM | | as I thought, there will be several people who will explain how THEIR situation is unique and different, how their story is different than everyone else's. And maybe it is. But it being DIFFERENT is rather EXCEPTION than a rule. Granted people seek different types of relationships. if someone looks for an activity partner, friends or email pen-pal, I can see that "separated" status is not an issue. But if someone is looking for a serious LTR possibly leading to more...Dating a separated person is too much of a gamble rather than sound investment. If someone wants to take their chances - best of success, for me however - I will choose to put my time into someone who has one less issue standing in the way. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/13/2007 4:10:10 AM | Separated means there's a possibility they'll go back. It also means you're gonna hear of all the bad things they went through and why they are separated. They are not free emotionally yet. They've one foot in the past still and are sad and depressed.
People in the "Just Separated" mode need to give themselves some time to heal before they can move on. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/13/2007 6:58:10 AM | | People have so many reasons as to why they havent gotten the divorce like financial and aliamony so thier is so many more reasons, but the separated person has thier bg or gf and than they take it out on them when they have to work things out with thier spouse so the gf or the bf gets the abuse from you for the agravation you went thur dealing with the spouse. some have been separated many years and it shows that they are undiceded with what they want, they wind up playing the bf or gf along till they get feed up with all the bs that the separated person has put them thur. I belive a separated person is just a player as they really cant commit to any kind of a serious realationship, all these separated people say they are done with the spouse but that is a bear faced lie you are not done you still have to get the divorce, and that can take from 2 months to many years and that means you have dealsing and contact with the spouse. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/13/2007 11:30:59 AM | This thread reminds me that it is almost always a huge mistake to get married! Married people - whether still married, separated, legally separated, etc. - are treated like toxic waste. LOL
If you weren't married, but were in a relationship for some time, do you give yourself a year or two without dating to "heal" from that relationship? I suppose in some cases you might. I'll bet that most people give it little thought and move on to someone else as soon as they find them.
I always laugh when people bring up the possibility of returning to an ex. That can happen - to separated people, divorced people - AND single people! I doubt the risk is much different from group to group. Well, perhaps if they have young children together, there may be some desire to reconcile. But wait! Wouldn't that also be true for unwed mothers wanting to return to their ex or their ex wanting to be involved again?
Of course, this all comes down to personal choice, and that's fine. There's someone for everyone, pretty much, so dating or not dating separated or divorced or widowed or single mothers, etc., etc., is simply one more choice. I'm just thankful that I didn't encounter judgmental people who wouldn't look at individual circumstances when I was still separated and dating until my divorce went through. Or run into ignorant people who think separated people are players who can't commit - that's simply one of the stupidest generalizations I've yet read in these forums! | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/13/2007 5:12:28 PM | Mystic Magic wrote:
I will never date separated ever again.
Hi, MM. Wow, sounds like you really got hurt over that one. Can't blame you for wanting to avoid that kind of pain in the future. 
I have to wonder about something, though. You had ONE experience and you're making a decision that ALL people who share the quality of being separated are likely to hurt you in that way?
Have you ever been heartbroken by someone who is NOT separated? If so, why wouldn't you also vow never to date NON-separated ever again?
I'm not calling you to task or being the least bit snide or sarcastic, I assure you.  Instead, I'm pointing out the idea that you've undergone what, in psychological circles, is sometimes called "one-trial learning."
People ride an elevator and get stuck -- ONE time -- and then feel a phobia for elevators. They get bitten by a dog -- ONE time -- and develop a fear of dogs, etc.
While the reaction is fairly common, it's almost never a realistic conclusion.
To judge ALL elevators by one bad experience... to judge ALL dogs by one bad experience... and, yes, you're anticipated correctly: to judge ALL separated people by one bad experience just isn't very realistic or, frankly, fair to the person being pre-judged. No doubt you realize that the term "prejudice" means to judge something in advance.
I am sincerely sorry for your bad experience, MM, I truly am. I hope you never feel that kind of heartbreak again and yet, something tells me that heartbreak seems to be a fairly familiar emotion by a lot of people here and, if we're being very honest about the numbers, probably more from non-separated people than from separated ones.
Something to think about, perhaps? | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/13/2007 5:34:46 PM | | I belive mystic magic has her right to, i wont date a separted lady as i am hoping to find a lady that wants a commited realtionsahip, and as far as i can see a separated person cant commit 100% to any realtionship as they have to deal with thier married spouse. | |
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