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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/13/2007 6:10:01 PM | | Apolinary....I totally agree with you....One of my best friends was a male and we became best of friends while he was going through his divorce...we never was a couple and never intended on being...but we shared alot of talk and feelings about life in general...He is now a very happy married man....and he and his wife call and check on me from time to time....so I ended up with 2 great friends...and it does depend on the situation....all divorces are different...some take a few weeks maybe a few months but some takes years......I have another friend now that I'm talking with.....He is a wonderful man....He is seperated and has moved out....I know my limits here...but can see a spark......who knows....I have NEVER dated a married man...and it is not in my plans to do that......I really dont see him married....I know on paper he is...but in his heart he is not...BTW I did not know him before he filed for divorce and still living with his ex.....just wanted to clear that up....ladybug | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/13/2007 6:21:53 PM | Hi, AOT. I also believe Mystic Magic has her right to think, and to do, as she prefers. I wasn't challenging her right to her views. I was pointing out that her views have been 'informed' by a common psychological experience that almost never results in a conclusion that's realistic or fair.
Consider for yourself: do all elevators get stuck? No. Do all dogs bite? Again, no. Along that train of thought, are all separated people cheaters, or liars, or afraid of commitment? You already know that the answer to this question is as much "no" as it is to the other two questions.
So again, just to be clear: everyone has a right to form their own views, AOT, no question. Do you really think that people want to form views that are based on mistaken conclusions, though? I don't think they want that. I know I don't want that for myself and I can't imagine why anyone would deliberately choose that for him- or herself, either.
anyoneoutthier wrote:
...i wont date a separted lady as i am hoping to find a lady that wants a commited realtionsahip
I see. So if I'm reading you correctly, you think the committed relationship is assured by a piece of paper commonly called a marriage certificate? If that were so, my friend, then we wouldn't be looking at roughly half of all marriages ending in divorce, would we? 
Committed relationships aren't guaranteed by anything, my friend, except the intention of the people involved. Pieces of paper in a filing cabinet somewhere are powerless either to guarantee a couple will stay together or to guarantee they'll never get back together.
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/13/2007 9:16:17 PM | A good relationship is about feelings. If "separated" makes you feel uneasy or worse then that's all you need to know because a good relationship doesn't make you feel uneasy or worse.
As for what "separated" means - it means about as much as any other one-word simplistic , catch-all legal label for the infinite variations of our individual lives.
JMHO :) | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/13/2007 11:51:09 PM | Quote
"Separated means there's a possibility they'll go back. It also means you're gonna hear of all the bad things they went through and why they are separated. They are not free emotionally yet. They've one foot in the past still and are sad and depressed.
People in the "Just Separated" mode need to give themselves some time to heal before they can move on."
Now this is funny. lol I do agree that everyone needs time to get past their bad relationship, I wonder if that means as soon as everyone is divorced they are automatically healed? lol Dude, being separated, divorced, etc has nothing to do with your mourning process. There are people who have been divorced for years and still aren't free emotionally..... I think you need to stop with the lables, and realize that everyone heals differently....... I have a good friend who has been divorced for 10 years, and still brings up the past w/her ex... ANd , just because someone is divorced and or broken up with someone doesnt mean they couldnt get back together. I am not sad or depressed and I am separated. Everyone is different and I think a good point was brought up about single people. It's OK for single people to jumped right into the dating scene after a break up, but someone who is separated and planning a divorce isn't ready??? LOL | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/14/2007 12:35:49 AM | | We are friends, we still have one son(of two children)who really needs guidance. We sleep in separate rooms. Not to say nothing ever goes on. It is simply that we are on different roads in life. We both care about each other...sure we have quarrels, but, never violence. The road I travel is too difficult for her, although she has gone through incredible trials and tribulations. Neither of us drink,(well she might have a glass or three of wine a month...me less)nor do we smoke cigarettes, though she toyed with them until she found she was pregnant with our 1st, then never again. Me, only tens years off, sometimes still craving...the other, been a while. We both have advanced degrees. I had mine, have helped as she finished a second, which should get a job where she wants to live...back in S.E.Asia. The separation is mutually caused. she wants me to find another...she keeps saying so. Maybe it is another way of saying she still loves me, we do love each other, but the flames are embers now,but, as for me finding another,it won't be easy...I didn't say this in my profile, but, when I have sat down and seriously tested, I usually don't chart. The irony is that I was the victim of a street-gang homicide attempt that not only affect my personality to some degree,(I am working, I believe successfully at it)but, it is unlikely that everything will come back. The story is too long, and this is supposed to be about you. So our vision is differing. I still want to help "save the world". I have plenty of faults , but, often admit when I am wrong so quick, I'm not sure how it is taken. I told her I would never promise to be monogamous, yet, I have never cheated on her. I taught...I was chased by students...(not a brag, just fact)...Are you wrong? I don't know you. We tend to stereo-type, but, many boys, playing at men, will use the separation thing. I think you have to know the person, and know them well...ask him if he is willing for you to meet him. Of course the whole thing could be bitter. Our distant ancestors rarely stayed together more that 6-12 years, but, raising children was different back then. Are we so different? Look at the divorce rates. You will need to know a lot. I think I understand what you are saying, however, NEVER is a long time. Would you stay together if after a few years you fought constantly? If one or the other cheated?Love and partnerships are complicated things. Maybe you should not be judgmental. After all. anyone who claims never to have erred or maybe thought about another, even briefly, is in my opinion, not being honest. Maybe you should let them write...and write...and write...;show what it is that makes up and guides their soul. There just might be a legitimate reason. If not, perhaps you will see it. Be well. Good luck and may you be guided in whatever you decide. John | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/14/2007 12:40:03 AM | | With separated people come loads of problems.You are not wrong it is your choice just keep looking and the single guys will turn up.Goodluck in your search | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/14/2007 5:24:55 AM | I see. So if I'm reading you correctly, you think the committed relationship is assured by a piece of paper commonly called a marriage certificate? If that were so, my friend, then we wouldn't be looking at roughly half of all marriages ending in divorce, would we?
Committed relationships aren't guaranteed by anything, my friend, except the intention of the people involved. Pieces of paper in a filing cabinet somewhere are powerless either to guarantee a couple will stay together or to guarantee they'll never get back together.
I was married for 35 years and i know a commited realtionship is something both people want and i cant see where a separated person can do that at least not 100% as they still have a spouse, Its hard enough to make any realtionship work and being separated makes it many times harder. Like people say it took a piece of paper to get married so it should not be a problem to get one to be divorced. If you do get into a serious realtionship with a separated person it can take years to get the divorce and at my age i will not wait 5 years or how ever long it takes for her to get a divorce, If they are getting a divorce and thier is problems getting it they get flustarated and they take it out on thier bf or gf. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/14/2007 8:35:34 AM | I think they should give you a choice.......like Divorce In Progress ! !
I had seperated on here and wasn't getting responses. I changed
it to Divorced and then wrote in my profile Divorcing...
yes Divorcing...Some people can not have a quick divorce...
Mine is taking a long time do to a business partnership that has
to be audited and it is a long process. I don't feel I should have to
wait for a piece of paper to say Divorved....He's gone and I am alone
and ready to move on!!! But yes...ask if there is any chance of a
reconciliation...There is not here....So I will move on! | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/14/2007 9:05:29 AM | | I agree wholeheartedly!!! I've been through one very negative experience with a separated man. And, he really was physically separated from his wife but apparently his wife was under the impression that they were doing this to try and work things out........I foundt his out through a phone call from the wife!! I explained to her that she would never have to worry about hearing about me ever again!!!!!!!! And, I meant that! Don't need someone else's drama that is still unfolding........... | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/14/2007 9:06:41 AM | While I completely hear all of your views and opinions..and can understand why you would feel the way you do, all of you! However, being someone who is seperated, have you thought about our side of perspective? Unfortunately when you are seperated it's a long process. For me all papers are drawn up now it's all about the waiting game on the courts side etc..Neither of us want to get back together and that has been clearly stated. Sometimes you realize you just aren't meant to be! So in the meantime while we sit here playing the waiting game, cause god knows the court system takes forever..does that mean it's wrong to move on, find someone to be happy with? Why should I have to put my life on hold all because of a document? My heart is over the situation and I'm ready to move on..Like I said, I understand and respect all of your feelings on it..but..People also need to learn to trust the fact that when a seperated person says they are ready, they are! It's all a piece of paper..and I wouldn't Not date a person because of what a paper says or a bad choice they made in their life..who knows..if we all think so critically like that maybe thats why we are single?? We judge a book by the cover all to often without really reading it.
This is just my opinion as we are all free to our own opinions! | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/14/2007 9:29:43 AM | I agree with you! Although I have been married I did get involved with a man who was separated, fell for him and he broke my heart. He told me he did not love her and was through with her, just don't believe anything you are told. No, you are not wrong in giving the separated men a chance, wait until the paper work is done. You can't have your cake and eat it too!
Good luck! | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/14/2007 9:40:10 AM | | There are a lot of reasons for a couple to be seperated. What if someone walks out on you but won't cooporate with the process of divorce? Or just disappears altogether? Are we doomed to spend years or even the rest of our lives alone because we have that title? It's almost like calling a rape victim promiscuous even though they were the victim. Sometimes things just aren't as we wish they were. I couldn't blame someone for taking this point of view but if you don't take a chance then you'll never know if someone is the person for you. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/14/2007 10:08:07 AM | Ok, everyone has alot of thoughts on this, and I am not one to get into forums, however this is a very touchy subject. I am legally separated for about 6 months, my future ex and yes, I said future EX, because I will NEVER take him back, and yes he was a very cruel man and no matter how much I did for him it was never good enough, decided to move to antoher state and because of that it is very hard to get everything settled in a matter of months, not to mention he is an insecure man, and wants spousal support (no, he does not give me child support, nor does he see his girls), so do I, as a separated woman, go into a corner and get too emotional because of what happeneed to me, NO I do not, but I do respect when a man tells me that once my divorce is final, call him. Do I call him, NO because if I am not worth it for him when I am going thru a divorce that is not full of Drama, but more of less the 2 separate locations and communication, paperwork, lawyers, court system, etc...... I think of him not to be secure enough and if I am not worth the chance to be with, then he is not worth it to me. I will not beg any man to be interested in me. I have met alot of men since I have been spearated and I think more men go thru the emotional withdrawal, because, even though I do not judge their situation, I find them talking more about their ex and how they were hurt, and they dont know if they are ready, blah,blah, blah, I get it, but I will not have anyone make me pay for their past heartaches, nor would I compare the new man in my life to my ex, because in reality, if you are not emotionally ready, you shouldnt be on a dating site.
To anyone that does not date separated becasue of your own reasons, I commend you and that is your right, but don't automatically judge the person to be the reason for the spearation or assume they are not ready. trust me once I kicked my ex out, I was more happy than I have ever been in my life. Also understand thatwhen person is legally divorced does not make that person emotionally ready either. They may be worse becasue it is FINAL. | |
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| How about estranged?
Posted: 11/14/2007 10:39:28 AM | Well, I must say this thread has really confirmed what I was trying to explain to my estranged wife (If you don't know that word, please do look it up as I do believe it is a more fitting term in many cases).
Most women of character, worth, or consideration simply aren't interested in a man who is "separated".
I am not going to bore the forum with the details of my situation, but IMHO this principle applied with such a broad stroke is bound to toss more wheat in with the chaff than I would care to do. But unless you are suffering famine, tossing out perfectly good grain might not matter much to you.
I am not ready to pre-judge someone for being honest about their marital status in the limited choices available. | |
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| I don't do separated
Posted: 11/14/2007 11:30:55 AM | I understand why both men and women are concerned about meeting someone or even talking online to someone who is separated...But everyone is different on the issue...For myself, I have been separated for 2yrs now and it should have been finalized a long time ago...The reason mine is not over is cause my x is facing charges that I pressed on him when he beat the hell out of me resulting in being airlifted to a hospital, 14days on life support and a month in the hospital...If I drop the charges my divorce will be finalized quickly if I continue on and await his trial for assault then he has to answer to harming me and the divorce will be finalized depending on the assault trial...I am separated and there is no chance in hell I would ever go back...I value my life way too much to ever be dealt that misery again...I do not feel I should have to stop my life because of a piece of paper and another state taking their sweet time with the trial...My life was nearly stopped completely 2 yrs ago... I want to live now and enjoy life and meet a man that would dream of ever harming me emotionally and/or physically... I know in my heart there is a good man in this world looking for me as I am him...
Always,
Kat | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/14/2007 11:42:50 AM | Very well answered..... I suppose it depends on how long someone has been separated and if there are the intentions to start divorce proceedings. Canada does have the stipulation of a year separation before one can even file for divorce. So many that are recently separated I have found are not actually ready for a relationship!. Being divorced is the end of a relationship. If there are plans to actually end it.... then after the year should divorce not be initiated? Yet if you are seeing someone and they give you different excuses as to why they are not filing for divorce..... do they really want to be divorced? Or do they hang on to the hope of reconciliation?
Have an awesome day! | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/14/2007 12:51:50 PM | | again, there are different situations, but the one described above (wife beater, living in another state etc) are more exception than a rule. Some people call themselves "separated" when they had a fight with their spouse and are staying with their friend for a weekend. So they go out and "test the waters" to see whether better options are available, should they decide to proceed to the divorce, or try to "punish" their spouse and make them jealous by going on dates. So how an ordinary person can tell whether separation is real (unless is legal separation) , with never-ever coming back together, or it's just a or the case I described? In many times we cannot. So why not play it as safe as one possibly can? That's the whole point of not getting involved with separated - to protect ourselves from a heartbreak that is more likely when a separated person is involved. Plain and simple. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/14/2007 3:30:13 PM | ..but..People also need to learn to trust the fact that when a seperated person says they are ready,
Thier some that do go back even if its an abusive they do go back so how are we to know if you are the one that will go back. So one person going back makes it all the more harder to belive. Even legal separated people go back maybe its only a couple a year but can you tell us how to make the right choice as thier some that do go back and thier is some that separated is an out right lie they are called players. You say to trust but that is very hard when they have no idea where you are going. | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/14/2007 3:55:13 PM | anyoneoutthier wrote:
I was married for 35 years and i know a commited realtionship is something both people want and i cant see where a separated person can do that at least not 100% as they still have a spouse....
I think I see where you're coming from (or is it where you're going? LOL!) and I do understand. From your comment, above, it's pretty clear to me that -- from your point of view -- a 100% committed relationship equal marriage. Am I correct in understanding you on this point?
If so, that would be the place where we differ in our views. I believe it's possible to be 100% committed to another person and not marry them. Before your eyes pop out of your head, let me refer back to an earlier statement I made: pieces of paper in a filing cabinet somewhere are powerless....
If you agree with me about that statement, then I think you'll see why I think and feel as I do. People can spend their whole lives together, 100% committed to each other, and never utter the "m" word (I'm talking about "marriage").
Marriage isn't about commitment, my friend; marriage is about legal appropriation of benefits culturally associated to marriage.
I'm told there is a custom among some belief systems where the man and woman engage in a ceremony called "hand-fasting" that essentially means they are committing to each other for a year and a day, after which they'll re-evaluate how they feel about the year just past and decide whether to renew their vows or not.
While it's not my particular style at the moment, there seems to be a whole lot of wisdom in such an idea, not the least of which is a realistic notion that "forever" and "til death do us part," while extremely romantic sentiments, seem to be less and less promises that folks are finding themselves able (willing?) to keep.
So what, really, is meant by "100% committed relationship" anymore? Unless a person has never been married, those of us who are separated and divorced have tried it and been unsuccessful (and I'm talking about even if the split wasn't the fault of the person on here).
Well, that's a long-winded-enough post on the subject. Just want to say that I appreciate your civil participation in this discussion, AOT; not too common an attitude around here, at least in the places I've been nosing around lately  | |
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rondat
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Joined: 9/25/2007
Msg: 220 | |
| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/14/2007 3:55:49 PM | I totally agree and find your words very eloquent .
I am a separated woman and have been emotionally separated for more than 4yrs , but faithful until the moment I had the courage to finally end it with him . Now not only is it a very expensive procedure all around but a very long process when you have property to sell and kids in the mix . Although , funny enough I do find myself not wanting to date separated men only because I have found alot of trully married men who say they are separated on this site and it is frustrating and discouraging . I don't feel that I am cheating but in the eyes of the laws I supposed it could be misconstrued as such . I have to wait another six months to apply for a divorce which is a good time to relflect on what I trully need and want out of life without added distraction .
Good Luck toYou | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/14/2007 4:01:07 PM | | Separated is single, sorry OP but it is. Relationships are about communication and trust, not handy labels. | |
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rondat
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Joined: 9/25/2007
Msg: 222 | |
| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/14/2007 4:03:22 PM | Interesting post , I have always been committed to my relationship and as a wife and mother never let my side of the bargain down , not all people should be labelled or put into a category based on the past , if the future is what we all seek to have . To put it into perspective , my committed relationship meant standing by someone who had addictions and anger problems until I had the strength to leave with 4 kids to care for .
Committment by definition for some may mean something else , because a marriage doesn't work isn't necessarily reflective of how good or bad a person is . | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/14/2007 5:51:41 PM | I feel your stance on not dating "separated" guys is a healthy attitude.
People should try and resolve their issues before getting involved again,besides,they could always go back to their estranged mates and leave you in the dust OR their ex could have anger issues and a chainsaw,lol! | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/14/2007 11:14:31 PM |
I am a separated woman and have been emotionally separated for more than 4yrs , but faithful until the moment I had the courage to finally end it with him
I still can't figure out when the emotional attachment ended, I know when I recognized it as gone and should have done something then- but then again, hind sight is Twenty Twenty. I am 30 now, and there are often lessons learned in life.
Now not only is it a very expensive procedure all around but a very long process when you have property to sell and kids in the mix .
Property is out of the way, oh but then there's all the crap that was on it. Inventory, Devide, Decide Together, I suppose. No, that part hasn't been done yet but it would certainly help if everything was in the same state- working on that last part.
Although , funny enough I do find myself not wanting to date separated men only because I have found alot of trully married men who say they are separated on this site and it is frustrating and discouraging .
I can certainly understand and respect that filter. I may not like it right now; and there may come a day when I may sing a similar tune.
Good luck to you as well and Happy Holidays! :-) | |
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| I don't do separated...
Posted: 11/15/2007 5:03:12 AM | It's tough when someone has been seperated for a long time and wnats to date again. But I look at the chances of something good coming from it like this.
33.3% They will be on the rebound and not ready for a real relationship
33.3% They will reconciliate with X and leave you in the dust
33.3% They are ligitimately ready, but the divorce just isn't final.
To me, the chances are just not good that anything positive will come of it. I support your decision because it's risky. Even though I was in the seperated position long before and trying to date. | |
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