| I LOVE you......I'm just not IN LOVE with you...
Posted: 5/18/2007 9:24:18 AM | Generally, my take on it is that if they're saying this, they were never "in love" with you in the first place, regardless of what was said in the past. In any case, they don't want to be with you anymore, so the reason doesn't really matter if there was no mistake involved on your part.
I don't like the line, myself, probably because I find it insulting to be compared to a friend or a brother after passing a certain point with someone. It's mind boggling that someone can pull this off and expect you to be friends afterward while they pursue someone else. | |
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| I LOVE you......I'm just not IN LOVE with you...
Posted: 5/18/2007 10:30:04 AM | Love is a choice we make.
It is waking up everyday and doing the best we can for our partner and ourselves.
"In love" is a byproduct of feeling loved. "In love" cannot possibly last more than a few years, unless both parties are working very hard to keep the "spark" alive. And even in those situations, there will be periods of stagnation.
People who want to get married should probably worry less about being "in love" and concentrate more on giving love. Love is not always exciting or fun or easy. That's why marriage vows have the lines "in *SICKNESS* and health, for richer or *POORER*. It's an affirmation that you're going to stick around (even if it gets hard) and build love with your partner.
Unfortunately, most of the people I've met seem to think marriage/commitment is all about temporary feelings. Feelings change. If your commitment is based on chemistry, it's going to be temporary. | |
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| I LOVE you......I'm just not IN LOVE with you...
Posted: 5/18/2007 11:07:23 AM |
(OP) Call me crazy, but I just don't understand this as a way to break things off with somoene you've been with for years...
I believe it is the result of how people have been "connecting" for some time now. This idea of "wanting it all" or "taking it slow" when seeking a partner results in one sacrificing a portion of chemistry in exchange for liking similar activities or the type of job a person has or how they'll fit into another's life. Passion has been traded for friendship, lust for humor, a burning desire for conversational skills.
People don't search for a lover anymore. They search for a buddy, a pal. They say, "I love you but I'm not in love with you" because they never were in love. They mistook romantic love as compatibility in activities and a similar sense of humor and agreeable political views. Those things replaced that magic/chemistry that people are supposed to feel when they first get together.
Some people don't agree with the idea of "love at first sight". Maybe if they considered it as ones gut feeling or first impression it would sit better with them. Today, people tend to fight against that first impression. If it's there they go slow and evaluate things that have nothing to do with a romantic relationship and if it's not there but they like the person as a friend they hang around together until they confuse friendship for romance.
I feel Sofishtikated hit on it when she wrote in msg 24,
I would never say I love you unless I was IN love with someone.
IMO, love is defined by the person to whom it is said. We love our brother and sister and our parents. Everyone understands we are talking about family love. We may say we love a certain musical group. It means we love their music, their performance. When we say to our romantic partner, "I love you", it means we love them in a sexual sense. I don't see the reason to have to say "in love" anymore than we have to specify the difference between the love of family and the love of a musical group.
As HomeEntertainer wrote it's a cheesy line. | |
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| I LOVE you......I'm just not IN LOVE with you...
Posted: 5/18/2007 11:18:11 AM | | I have done this to my husband of 7 years been together 10, his behaviour made me fall out of love with him, but i still loved him because of our children but anything sexual was well and truely gone | |
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| I LOVE you......I'm just not IN LOVE with you...
Posted: 5/18/2007 12:41:23 PM | A lot of people don't make real investments anymore. It's like the stock market. They get what they can while the getting is good, and then bail out at the first sign that the returns aren't quite as good and look elsewhere. After awhile they wonder why they aren't making those long term gains. It's shortsighted. I agree that there are times when ending it is absolutely the right thing to do. But I also suspect that an awful lot of people never really give it the chance that it deserves before pulling the chute chord.
A relationship should be more like a garden. There are seasons and cycles. Sometimes you sew, other times you harvest. There is always maintenence to be done. If your peppers turned out wonderful, but that particular crop of tomatoes was substandard, would you discard the whole garden? You bear with it and plant them again next season. Anyone not willing to do that shouldn't be in the gardening business in the first place. lol | |
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| I LOVE you......I'm just not IN LOVE with you...
Posted: 5/18/2007 2:23:02 PM | | I have said that before. Being in love and loving someone aren't the same IMO. I love my family, but I am not in love with them. People change, then can grow apart. Love can fade. Passion can die. | |
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| I LOVE you......I'm just not IN LOVE with you...
Posted: 5/18/2007 2:24:40 PM | yeah I have used this line before.......
I love you.... care for you, don't want any harm come to you, wishing you every happiness.....
but not in love with you........... as in a partner, and don't want that kind of relationship with you, or sharing that physical love with you!
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| I LOVE you......I'm just not IN LOVE with you...
Posted: 5/18/2007 2:30:09 PM | Just another way of saying they aren't going to commit. So many have forgotten the word and its meaning. Its real simple here is its meaning form good ol Webster
Commit: 1. to be responsible for 2. to entrust : consign 3. to place officially in custody or confinement. 4. to pledge or obligate(oneself)
Learn it, understand it, before getting involved with anyone. | |
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a1na2
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Joined: 10/3/2006
Msg: 37 | |
| I LOVE you......I'm just not IN LOVE with you...
Posted: 5/18/2007 2:43:36 PM | I once met someone , things went well, we moved in together....At first I was " in love " , in other words, I was very enthusiastic about having her in my life, etc.
Then, one day I realized that the feeling had faded to the point where I did care about her but my enthusiasm was gone. I don't know why. It wouldn't be fair of me to stay with her so as not to hurt her feelings. She deserved to be with someone who would be in love with her.
This is what it means to me. Don't get it ? Too bad. | |
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| I LOVE you......I'm just not IN LOVE with you...
Posted: 5/18/2007 3:09:50 PM | | First off I never really knew what 'in love' meant until I had my son and I don't think that anything could match that kind of true love !!! So just some love for all you single moms who have heard this line before!!! Back to the subject: I do think that you can love someone but not be in love . At the same time isn't that basically saying 'I really never was in love with you at all'? I don't think you can fall out of love, it's either there or it isn't . I personally think this line has been worn out too much in our society!!! What ever happened to just being honest, it might hurt but I would respect the person more if they told me why they did'nt want the relationship anymore. I think this line is used so that the person dosen't feel the need to explain the real reasons. Don't feel bad about this though it might seem incredibly hard to get over the person but you eventually will and good luck to you!! | |
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| I LOVE you......I'm just not IN LOVE with you...
Posted: 5/18/2007 4:52:14 PM | | It's a trite, overused line used by people who are just simply trying to say......"I've found somebody else that I think is more attractive that I would like to SCHTOOP!", but have a need to sound PROFOUND.... For most, it's purely based on the physical. | |
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| I LOVE you......I'm just not IN LOVE with you...
Posted: 5/18/2007 4:57:55 PM | I have heard this line 2 times now ... The first I still dont understand.. the 2nd well yeah no big was 2months lol.. Why I dont get it from the first is after a year now guess what ring ring ... after the conversation I love you... next day calls crying I need you to come home.. I almost gotten fired but it was that serious.. Now she is back into I dont have a clue what I want mode.. She wants me when I thought I was to be over her.. But I let my wall down after she shows me she loves me and poof shes back to they way it was a year ago.. I want it to work I really do but I am confused..
The I love you not in love you can love someone as the person they are friend wise.. But not soulmate wise.. (in love) ... | |
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| I LOVE you......I'm just not IN LOVE with you...
Posted: 5/18/2007 10:41:48 PM |
Just another way of saying they aren't going to commit. So many have forgotten the word and its meaning
I must disagree with this comment... when I said it, it was after a 10 year relationship in which I was exhausted in, putting so much energy into the relationship trying to keep it afloat!
and he wanted to try again! and it was too far gone to repair!
Twilight_x | |
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| I LOVE you......I'm just not IN LOVE with you...
Posted: 5/19/2007 2:42:38 AM | although it's entirely possible to feel this way , using this particular line is the worst.
It's confusing, unclear and a pathetic way to try to "spare" someones feelings.
I used it once years and years ago and then in a karmic twist of fate I had it used on me. It's such a stupid cop out and only ends up making the other person feel worse.
think about it , someone says "I love you but I'm not IN love with you"
even worse than someone just saying "I don't love you anymore" | |
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| I LOVE you......I'm just not IN LOVE with you...
Posted: 5/19/2007 8:50:03 AM |
It's such a stupid cop out and only ends up making the other person feel worse.
don't you think it also depends on the various situations, and how it was at the time when it's being said...
When I said it we are friends now and get on better now than when we were together, and share thoughts and comments about excisting partners/relationships...
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| I LOVE you......I'm just not IN LOVE with you...
Posted: 5/19/2007 9:33:27 AM |
When I said it we are friends now and get on better now than when we were together, and share thoughts and comments about excisting partners/relationships...
keyword, you are friends *NOW*
I fully agree that you can love someone and not be "in" love with them , and we all know love usually doesn't die 100% right? I'm just sayin, at the time of breaking up or ending things with someone, the focus needs to be on the whole "I'm not *IN* love wiht you" part, otherwise they may hold on to an unrealistic glimmer of false hope that because you said you still love them, they can make you fall back *IN* love with them.
kind of a whole "but you said you loved me!" situation.... | |
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| I LOVE you......I'm just not IN LOVE with you...
Posted: 5/19/2007 10:11:08 AM | A good friend once admonished me not to interpret what women said to me. She said, "Don't analyze and interpret everything. If you want to know what a woman means when she says something to you, ask her! Don't go around later asking everyone else!"
She was so right.
I've had women say to me "I love you, I'm just not in love with you." I've said it to women once or twice, too. In every case an explanation was asked for and received. As far as I know both sides are clear on what was said and what wasn't.
I admit this makes for a fun and interesting topic, but honestly if you want to know what someone means when they say something to you, ASK THEM!!!
The responses on this thread prove that the title statement means many different things to different people.
I think we can all agree on this, though: It sucks to hear it and it feels bad to say it, too. | |
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| I LOVE you......I'm just not IN LOVE with you...
Posted: 5/19/2007 10:37:24 AM | Most people have answered your question and I do believe it's valid to say "I love you but I'm not in love with you", and it often means exactly what it says. I went out once with a terrific guy, but there was never any passion, any excitement and so I broke it off (I wasn't in love with him but I cared deeply). It was the best thing for him and me - he found the 'right' girl within a year of our break-up. I believe that it's not fair to stay with someone if one doesn't feel 'deep love' for their partner - it's hard enough to maintain a good relationship but when you're not deeply in love, the relationship may not last as long or have more 'troubles' than relationships that have two people 'in love' with each other.
I want to say something - I think it's just awful when people respond with comments such as "Why does it matter what it means" or "Move on, he/she doesn't want you" etc. MOST people want to know the 'true' reasons why someone wants to end the relationship - one of them being that in order to 'move on' and not dwell on that relationship is to 'understand' what happened and what one can do to maybe prevent the same thing from happening next time. It makes most people feel better to 'know' what, why, how come, etc. when their partner wants to end it. Maybe some of you can just 'walk away' (mostly men) without having a care in the world why their partner ended the relationship, but that's not most people I know, myself included. To learn from our own mistakes and those from your partner, you need to know what the 'causes' were and learn from them - because we all contribute to the problems in a relationship - even if it's more one person's fault (which often is the case).
So please people.....stop saying these insensitive remarks that Ioften read on these types of forums - it's not realistic and it's demeaning to the person reaching out to others for help (in finding answers, etc.). | |
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| I LOVE you......I'm just not IN LOVE with you...
Posted: 5/19/2007 10:49:42 AM | Piknik - I think alot of this "move on" attitude is a reflection of the society we live in today - fast paced, move on to the next person etc., I am still trying to believe that most people are not insensitive when making this remark, but rather a product of the times. Also, different people, different attitudes towards healing. I may not agree, but it is always of interest to hear the why's and how's of a point of view.
There is a big difference between "love" and being "in love", just as their is a difference between "caring" and "love" along with "affection" and "lust".
Definitely......I think love follows a natural progression over the years and it can be different with each person (mate, parent, child, friend, sibling) But, in the end, love is love - you love who you love and being around and with someone long enough that you like, eventually turns into love ('course ya gotta like some of 'em first lol)
Sometimes, it can be hard to distinguish exactly where you are in the "love scale" as certain emotions blind one to the others. | |
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| I LOVE you......I'm just not IN LOVE with you...
Posted: 5/19/2007 12:05:04 PM | | Good point. I think we don't want to be alone also. We don't want to end it completely. Do we have to be "in love" with the people we love? Many things can happen to cause people to fall out of "in love". Do I think people can still "love" them? Yes I do. How can you care about someone without love? I remember the sadness of losing someone because I had to let them go. To lose a friend I "love and care" about I feel sad, even cry. What is this if not "love"? Why is it so hard for me? If I can't be honest with them (because of their attitude), it is even harder to tell them exactly how I feel. | |
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