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| I LOVE you......I'm just not IN LOVE with you...
Posted: 6/16/2007 12:09:57 PM | | When My first girlfriend's friend broke up with me for her saying she wasn't really interested in anyone anymore, but I did stay in contact with both my ex and her friend. What I did find interesting was that they said they loved each other on their profile and I asked them about that and they said they did love eachother, but only as brother and sister. maybe this person you're dating sees you like you were a sibling or cousin or something. | |
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| I LOVE you......I'm just not IN LOVE with you...
Posted: 6/16/2007 12:17:04 PM | MESSAGE #4 It makes all the sense in the world to me...love and being IN love are two totally different feelings..
Ive said it to people and hurt them un-intentionally - and- its been said to me too.. boy, I know it hurts like hell.. | |
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| I LOVE you......I'm just not IN LOVE with you...
Posted: 6/16/2007 12:35:28 PM | I think I'd rather get that than the one I got (many years ago now) from the ex that cheated on me. I was there to help pack all her stuff up into the truck with her friends (her friends were shocked, they all really liked me and hated the other guy, he'd ended every relationship in the prior 8 years by cheating on them for the next one)...
She's standing in my driveway next to the truck ready to leave telling me:
Her: "I love you, you are and will always be my soulmate."
Me: "Uhhh.. ok. So you just love him more than me I guess?"
Her: "No, he's just a friend."
Uh. Yeah. That makes a lot of sense. (And yeah, Karma's a b***h, he was cheating on her 8 months later). | |
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| I LOVE you......I'm just not IN LOVE with you...
Posted: 6/16/2007 1:41:27 PM | I don't think those were the exact words I used but I think I know the meaning behind them... (maybe... )
I'm still "young", I know this.... but, I've been in a relationship where, after a certain many years (whether time/years was a factor or not), I got to a point where "we" were no longer the "we" I was so completely in love with... we still have/had fun together... we still share many of the same goals and dreams... he is still the type of man I want to be with (meaning he is a caring, honest, loving, fun... probably still good in the sack... etc...), but there are so many other factors to consider when choosing a "life partner"... though it is easy to imagine "it won't happen to me"........... I really don't want to be among the high % of people that get divorced... if there is something sending a red flag to you... watch it........ I know I will love this person for my entire life because of who he is (to me, himself, and others') but I am not so sure I am IN love with him the way I should be in love with someone I plan to share my life with... for my forever...
but, to play the devils' advocate.... you may also be fooling yourself to think you can find that "perfect someone"... no one is perfect, not even close, so... who knows... I know I don't!!! | |
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| I LOVE you......I'm just not IN LOVE with you...
Posted: 6/20/2007 10:43:34 PM | Hello Codedout.....
I think you are one of the first men/women that really understands what love is suppose to be.
I believe "love" is a decision, not just a feeling. Yes, when you first start dating there is suppose to be the butterflies and excitement of "falling in love," but when you really fall in love, love becomes a choice and a commitment. If you really "fall in love" with someone that love turns to deep feelings of commitment, trust, and is suppose to be unconditional. Love is not just a fleeting feeling that gets thrown away when your board or want a new play mate. Those "feelings" are just lust and wants. I learned from two very strong and committed people, my parents. They were married for 52 years and had all types of ups and downs in their marriage, but always loved each other unconditionally.
I have a very difficult time understanding how someone can say they are "in love" with you and love you for 20 years and then all of sudden they are bored and walk out on a marriage. I call that self indulgence and usually the person that walks out for the "so called excitement of a new relationship and being in love with someone else" finds out soon after that things aren't any different in the next relationship. A relationship and love takes constant nurturing on both partners' parts. To bad society today can not understand what "true love" is.
I think what you wrote was "wonderful." Bravo! | |
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| I LOVE you......I'm just not IN LOVE with you...
Posted: 6/20/2007 10:53:05 PM | | this is a coward response, what he means is, i dont like you, plain and simple, also it could mean, i did love you, dont now, but want to not have you mad so i can sleep with you again someday. | |
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| I LOVE you......I'm just not IN LOVE with you...
Posted: 6/20/2007 11:09:58 PM | OK I have said this and trully hurt like hell to tell him, it hurt me to accept and admit this, after 17 years of playing house, and thinking I was in love with someone I realized I did not even like a lot of his ways, But I infact thought I loved him very much, However, what I loved was all the good qualities he had, Yet the bad out weighed them as I got older and I realized loving him was not enough, Nor he just loving me was not fair to either of us.
I still Love him and want the best for him. I love him as my sons father, I love him as the person I can call when I had a bad, I love him as the person that knows me more than most and can give me good advice, However to be IN LOVE with him, was virtually impossible. Because he and I were so very differnt I was a go getter and do it all, He was a hardworker yet never followed through with things.
but the good thing is, I found true love , and I thought why could I not feel this happy and strong and open with him my x like I do this other man?
Bottom line is I was In love with this new man in my life, and never in love with my husband. So it does happen and it is not either persons fault so no one should feel bad if they hear it or it is said to them. I would rather be in love than just to love.
I would rather someone to Be in Love with me than to just exsist.
SO I am guilty, however I do trully beleive in later years, it was the best words I spoke for both of us, we have both found a happiness that neither of us would of ever known if not... | |
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| I LOVE you......I'm just not IN LOVE with you...
Posted: 6/21/2007 12:43:22 AM |
I LOVE you... I'm just not IN LOVE with you...
... and especially after many years of relationship, means (I think) there is no longer a deep connection between people, therefore the other partner does not wish to commit more time, or energy, and especially being intimate. I can relate to it very much, and can only speak from my own experience. Once we loved someone we continue on having feelings of deep care for them, but there is no longer a desire to continue the journey together. I have read in the post someone said this means the person is no longer interested being physical with you. I believe this is a result of loosing that connection in the first place, ... I mean, it happens in this order, first you are growin apart, next there is no longer desire of intimacy, togetherness. I don't know how it happens- suddenly, out of control, just so because we can' t control it.... someone said this in the post. I tend to disagree, lack of communication in the first place, and then the person grows more disatisffied, until he or she is fed up.
So, I just wonder if this happend to you out of the blue, or where there were any signs that this was coming. It is hard to believe that everything was great, and one day he woke up and served you this line: ......
Whichever way it happened, it is not pleasant, and after being with someone for long time, you deserve some kind of explanation, so you can understand what happened in the relationship, grow and move on. I think if they don't have much to say to you, rather than ... well, i just fell out of love, I would think this was rather a shallow relationship, I would try to pick up my broken pieces and to put myself back togehter. But, I would remove myself from the person, so I can heal. I have heard this one somewhere : LOVE DOES NOT BEG. In the end, it is all about them, and you have not changed, they don't want to continue on, let them go, and love yourself. | |
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| I LOVE you......I'm just not IN LOVE with you...
Posted: 6/21/2007 4:57:03 AM | | That is exactly what my ex told me 3 months ago. it took the longest time for her to realize that she cared about me, loved me, and had fun with me, but something was still wrong. We didnt have sex anymore and was the main reason for our arguments. I mean the rest of the relationship was perfect, we flirted with each other told each other we loved one another, held hands, etc. I just couldnt figure out why sex was never on her mind. Then one day she decided that she loved me, but wans't in love with me. I was like "huh?" She moved out and we tried to make it work but nothing changed. I mean she says she still thinks about me, misses me, and loves me, but cant get back with me. Talk about frustration and confusion. I guess that certain feeling of her wanting to be a girlfriend to me went away and never came back. I am one of her best friends in her life, but not that boyfriend I once was. Talk about hurt. Guess thats why I am here. To find someone to fall in love with that will share the same passion I want in a relationship. | |
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| I LOVE you......I'm just not IN LOVE with you...
Posted: 6/21/2007 5:05:22 AM |
(Msg 108) I have read in the post someone said this means the person is no longer interested being physical with you. I believe this is a result of loosing that connection in the first place, ... I mean, it happens in this order, first you are growin apart, next there is no longer desire of intimacy, togetherness.
I see it happening the opposite way. Two individuals meet. Although they may have many similarities they also have differences. As soon as physical intimacy (sex) takes place there is an "adjustment". They start to share activities and spend time together because it's necessary to be together if they want to have sex. They are "into" the other person. By being together they grow together.
In many cases, as time passes, the sex becomes less and less due to people choosing activities that leave little time for sex. Their life becomes busy. They're too tired for sex. The next thing we hear is the couple grew apart.
It's often said that sex, early in a relationship, clouds ones judgement of their partner. It inhibits one from seeing the negative qualities or idiosyncrasies that tend to plague relationships later on and right there is the answer to why sex is so important. The little things that bother people and cause animosity were always there but were less apparent because of good sex. Once the sex becomes less frequent those things become more apparent.
Instead of people looking at sex as just a physical act they should understand it's value. It is a vital part of a relationship. Most of us have experienced what I mentioned above. It's the lessening of sex and then the differences become more pronounced. | |
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| I LOVE you......I'm just not IN LOVE with you...
Posted: 6/21/2007 6:45:54 AM | I think "I care about you, but don't love you" is a much better approach, rather than a play on words. It's easier to swallow.
Or we could try the Myexhusband approach.....I don't love you anymore full stop. | |
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Fran47
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Joined: 3/31/2007
Msg: 113 | |
| I LOVE you......I'm just not IN LOVE with you...
Posted: 6/21/2007 7:13:09 AM | This is so simple. I was married for 24 years. I was initially in love with my husband. And thru out our years of marriage and enduring all the verbal abuse I had to..... I fell out of love. I then found myself staying in the marriage because I didn't want my kids to suffer all that went thru a divorce. So I made the most of it, and endured. Time came I couldn't endure any longer. To this day, after our divorce I love my "EX" but I definitely am not in love with him. I love him like I do a brother, or cousin. I care what happens to him, but...thats it. Surely you can see the difference. | |
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| I LOVE you......I'm just not IN LOVE with you...
Posted: 6/21/2007 7:29:55 AM | uglybetty.....Isn't it the OTHER way around?
From what I gather these are the words spoken AFTER the fact, there is thread after thread referring to this topic of discussion, and sleeping with the one who say's it ALWAYS comes up! | |
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| I LOVE you......I'm just not IN LOVE with you...
Posted: 6/21/2007 7:31:54 AM | | I certainly would never say it to someone. I tend to be straight forward. I'm not cruel though. Like I say, some people are brutally honest. They ought to spend less time on the brutal part and more on the honest. The same goes for people who sugarcoat to protect people. People are hurt more often than not by people who do that -- it tends to draw suffering out rather than one painful dose. | |
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| I LOVE you......I'm just not IN LOVE with you...
Posted: 6/21/2007 7:36:46 AM | | Oy I'm admit I used that line when I told my 1st ex that. I was with him for about 18 months and even though I cared for him, he did a lot of things that not acceptable in a relationship (stealing money from me behind my back, dishonesty, etc). He was madly in love with me but I knew I can't stay with him. It wasn't fair to him. Plus I was young (20 years old when I broke up with him, he was 28) and was my first relationship. I needed to grow as a person and had to let him go. Before he died earlier this year, he told me that even though he did got married, I was still the only woman he ever loved. | |
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| I LOVE you......I'm just not IN LOVE with you...
Posted: 6/21/2007 7:51:44 AM |
I care what happens to him, but...thats it. Surely you can see the difference.
I dunno... I can sort of buy the " I care..." BS more than the " I still love..." BS.
People love their petunias, but could easily live without them and don't think about them at ALL, when they aren't around.
I've heard pretty well every line so often in my life, I know that they really mean shit overall. Sure, there are exceptions, but that doesn't disprove the rule. | |
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| I LOVE you......I'm just not IN LOVE with you...
Posted: 6/21/2007 9:29:18 AM | Dave 1234, regarding post 110 and your opposition to my post. This is how I see it:
My post:
Msg 108) I have read in the post someone said this means the person is no longer interested being physical with you. I believe this is a result of loosing that connection in the first place, ... I mean, it happens in this order, first you are growin apart, next there is no longer desire of intimacy, togetherness.
and you are stating that;
[quote/I see it happening the opposite way. Two individuals meet. Although they may have many similarities they also have differences. As soon as physical intimacy (sex) takes place there is an "adjustment". They start to share activities and spend time together because it's necessary to be together if they want to have sex. They are "into" the other person. By being together they grow together.
From what I understand, you are stating there is attraction in the first place, like physical attraction, so the person is drawn to each other, and as the time progresses people adjust their interests and activities so they can continue on having sex....I call this a special relationship, it is a form of lower love, that comes from ego point of view. It goes like this, I will adjust my world to you (>... I will sabotage myself, as long as i can continue on receiving from you whatever I need, because I cannot give this to myself - it can be in the form of sex, approval, whatever) . I call it prostituting yourself.
Take a look at message 79 form BuddhNauture:
"Loving someone" is a higher form called unconditional love. This generally lasts a lifetime.
Being "In Love with someone" is a lower form as it is very exclusive and consists of completing each other's egos. When they negatively affect your ego, you dump them. Basically the participants are saying "I trade you very much." Buddhists call this a "special" relationship.
I totally agree with BuddhaNature. It happens in this order, first you get to know the person, then intimacy develops. I call this upside-down thinking, because people still cling it happens like this:
First, there is sexual attraction, next physcial activities, ok so now let's see how we can fit into each other's lives. While I don't deny there can be physical attraction in the first place, i just don't trust this feeling or act upon this.
I describe it as: " You are the best looking dessert served in the best looking china, tempting me. I could taste it or I could leave it,..... empty calories, death by chocolate"
.... Attraction takes place in the brain first, not below the belly button..... | |
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Eryc
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Joined: 5/11/2007
Msg: 123 | |
| I LOVE you......I'm just not IN LOVE with you...
Posted: 6/21/2007 10:12:16 AM | i said this in another post...
1 Corinthians 13 4-7. Read it, and learn what Love means. You can care about them, and lose physical attraction, yes, even Emotional attraction, but you cant NOT love them, if you actually have loved them. | |
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| I LOVE you......I'm just not IN LOVE with you...
Posted: 6/21/2007 10:27:42 AM | A letter to Corithians:
A HYMN OF LOVE;
LOVE is patient, LOVE is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast
It does not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,
It is not easily angered, it keeps no
Records of wrongs.
LOVE does not delight in evil
But rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts,
Always hopes, always perseveres
LOVE never fails. (...)
And now theses three remain"
FAITH, HOPE AND LOVE.
But the greatest is LOVE.
Someone told me once long time ago to try to rplace the word LOVE in this poem with your own name, you will see how close or far away you are from the the notion of LOVE.
eg.
MONA LISA is patient, Mona Lisa is kind.
Mona Lisa does not envy, Mona Lisa does not boast
Mona Lisa does not proud....
Mona Lisa is not rude,.....
.... this is only an example, oh yeah, i have my own lessons to learn. Good luck everyone... | |
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| I LOVE you......I'm just not IN LOVE with you...
Posted: 6/21/2007 11:10:54 AM |
Basically you get up every morning and decide whether you are going to continue to work toward the better good of a realtionship. Its not about love, chemistry, being in love or any other fancy name you want to throw at it. These are part of it, and they come and go. The main part of being in a relationship is ones choice to make it work or not. The bad part is that both people have to wake up each morning and make the same decision.
Codedout-
Well, I know that I'm at least the second person on this thread to agree fully with what you just said. I've heard the "I LOVE you......I'm just not IN LOVE with you..." line said to me, and I've said it in return. I knew that when I said it, I was doing the other person the biggest favor in the world; I was telling them that while I deeply appreciate the unique, wonderful, God-given person that they are, and the joy I get from having them in my life, I also recognize that either they or I lack the qualities needed to satisfy each other on any continuing, long-term basis. I, for one, know that I'm neither a girly-girl or a domestic goddess; anyone looking for those qualities will never be satisfied with me, and eventually they'll make me more than aware of it. On the other hand, a guy who's not easily affectionate, or who's constantly critical won't keep me satisfied for any extended period of time; in the back of my mind, I'll always wonder if there's someone else out there who will.
Bottom line, you have to decide whether the person who said that to you can offer enough to keep them in your life, or whether they will continue to cause you pain, and decide from there.... | |
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