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| I LOVE you......I'm just not IN LOVE with you...
Posted: 6/21/2007 12:02:10 PM | To quote from Sabrosura up above: "In love" is something that makes you inner soul just "glow". It is something that is very fulfilling physically, mentally and spiritually.
To Love is very warm, kind and gentle, To be In Love is to Feel Alive!!!! | |
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| I LOVE you......I'm just not IN LOVE with you...
Posted: 6/21/2007 2:52:19 PM | Sweet Sensations, I love that quote above, except if one finds this inner glow within themselves. To be in love with life, so ones' inner soul just glow.... but to expect that this love comes from other source than us, such us other people, circumstances etc is ludicrous. If we put so much expectation on others for our happiness, we would be doomed.
... I know I maybe just too much, I am about to quit this post, anyway... | |
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| I LOVE you......I'm just not IN LOVE with you...
Posted: 6/21/2007 3:56:29 PM |
One thing I learned about 17yrs ago is that a relationship is a decision. Basically you get up every morning and decide whether you are going to continue to work toward the better good of a realtionship. Its not about love, chemistry, being in love or any other fancy name you want to throw at it. These are part of it, and they come and go. The main part of being in a relationship is ones choice to make it work or not. The bad part is that both people have to wake up each morning and make the same decision. codedout and Summerbreeze2007, you have opened my eyes. Have either of you seen "Keeping the Faith"? This is exactly what Milos Forman tells Edward Norton about being a priest. It is exactly the same concept. I find it most interesting that you write this, because it goes against all that we have been taught, and yet it is so right.
I hope that others realise this truth too. It will make their relationships last, and be happy with them. The rest, well, you know....they will keep bounding in and out of things till they find this out. | |
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| I LOVE you......I'm just not IN LOVE with you...
Posted: 6/22/2007 5:51:58 AM | Mona_Lisa_smiles, you wrote in msg 122,
.... Attraction takes place in the brain first, not below the belly button.....
I agree but the wanting to have sex does not mean the brain attraction has not taken place and I think people misunderstand that. They are two separate things although they happen in rapid progression.
When I look at a woman I am not thinking I want to have sex with her eyes or make love to her beautiful smile. (Picture making love to someone with their eyes wide open and a smile on their face.) 
The point is the attraction to her eyes and her smile is in the brain. It has nothing to do with sexual arousal as her eyes and smile have nothing to do with sex. Once the brain registers the attraction then the wanting to have sex arises. This attraction is innate or subconcious or autonomous. It is based on nothing, dependent on nothing, other than simply looking at the person and that's what I believe is vital to any long lasting relationship.
That's what I refer to as chemistry. It is our attraction to the person without knowing what job they have, where they live, who their friends are, what activities they like......it is that instinctual, gut feeling not influenced by the factors previously mentioned. It is a "pure" feeling.
I totally agree with BuddhaNature. "Loving someone" is a higher form called unconditional love. This generally lasts a lifetime.
Being "In Love with someone" is a lower form as it is very exclusive and consists of completing each other's egos. When they negatively affect your ego, you dump them. Basically the participants are saying "I trade you very much." Buddhists call this a "special" relationship. It happens in this order, first you get to know the person, then intimacy develops.
I find that so untrue. When I am “in love” with someone that means I love them more than anyone else. It is the highest form of love as witnessed by people who defend their "special other" at the expense of family and friends.
The people who dump their partner due to negatively affecting their ego never were "in love" with their partner. That's witnessed by people who automatically divorce after an affair. That's witnessed by people who say they would rather have their partner leave than learn about an affair even if the affair was a one-time event.
IMO, anyone who would prefer their partner leave, completely exit from their life, can not possibly have been "in love" with them. That was the type of love that was based on getting to know the person and then the attraction developed. Their attraction to the person came about due to what the person did for a living or what the person thought about politics or what activities the person enjoyed or some other reason other than the instinctual attraction necessary for a long term relationship. That is precisely why people grow apart and divorce. Their attraction is based on "things" rather than just on the person.
Having said that of course it's necessary to get to know the person. One could find a murderer highly attractive but they probably wouldn't make a good life companion
,nevertheless, that subconcious attraction has to be there before we learn anything about the person. In other words the attraction has to be there, in and of itself, before we know anything about the person.
First, there is sexual attraction, next physcial activities, ok so now let's see how we can fit into each other's lives.
If that is a concern then BuddhaNature is correct. We're going to base our love of an individual on whether they fit into our life? Talk about ego!
When one is "in love" they want to be part of that person's life. Person "A" wants to be part of person "B". Person "B" wants to be part of person "A". Neither one cares if the other "fits in" with their present life. If they do it shows they are not attracted to the other individual to sufficiently sustain a long term relationship as they are more interested in themselves, in their life, than they are in the person and that's exactly why relationships based on how well they fit into each others life, relationships based on a friendship-type of arrangements/agreements, seldom lasts.
That is exactly why we hear, "We grew apart". If the foundation of a relationship is based on similarities then surely one realizes as soon as the similarities end the relationship will fail and similarities will end. People change. Their interests and activities change. If hanging out and enjoying activities is the basis of a romantic relationship don't bother unpacking your bags because it's not going to last. If growing apart, changing interests and activities, is a cause to end a relationship then the relationship is temporary, as best. | |
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| I LOVE you......I'm just not IN LOVE with you...
Posted: 6/22/2007 9:26:21 AM | Well yeah no one wants to hear this. It is rather cliche too.
You can love someone like a good friend and care about them but the passion can be gone and you aren't "in love" with them. If someone were to break up with me after a long while... I would want a little more explanation than this. It is quite trite.
But cest le vie. Move on.
Good luck to you! Perhaps the dancing banana can cheer ya up!  | |
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| I LOVE you......I'm just not IN LOVE with you...
Posted: 6/22/2007 10:01:08 AM | Hello Dave1234,
I agree with many of your points in your last post. We are all individuals and won't be able to agree on everything. I know at this point we are dancing around the issue of initial attraction versus simply common interests, similarities of activities etc. You are stating that initial attraction is the key for you whether you would even consider the person in your life. I think you may have misunderstood me thinking the initial attraction is not important for me. Initial attractions is the key, but it is a combination of their physical, their personality, interestes, etc. etc. I don't base my interest in intimate relationship only on common interests, these encounters are called friends. I think you and I feel vey similar about things.
Some days I may see a very good looking man walking by on the street, in the mall, sitting alone in a coffee place. I can intelectualize, "oh, a very good looking man is sitting in front of me, or just have passed by", while I have acknowledged he is handsome, there is nothing else going on. I don't know him for one, next even if I do get to know him, I still may reamin on the same level with him, ok so he is good looking but i have not interest in him.
First, there is sexual attraction, next physcial activities, ok so now let's see how we can fit into each other's lives.
.... not sure if you understood this point... this was ment to be critical. I call it special relationship, or prostituting yourself.What is the point of making a pretzel of my life and myself so i can fit in someone elses life. It never works, and one feels like sh... after .....
As to your oppositon to a statemtne above , made originally by BuddhaNature, where he makes a comments about special relatonship, lower form of love derived from ego, you are stating:
I find that so untrue. When I am “in love” with someone that means I love them more than anyone else. It is the highest form of love as witnessed by people who defend their "special other" at the expense of family and friends.
There is no point of convincing you otherwise, if this is your opinion on things. You may feel strong about it. In fact majority people think the same way you do.I am going to close this post with the quote from Eckard Tolle writing, he is contrmporary thinkier. I suppose the reason I feel so adamant about this, becasue I am interested in Universal Truth, and not opionions coming from egoistic mind. Don't take this as a way of criticism, I do too come from the ego.
"Love is not selective, just as the light of the sun is not selective. It does not make one person special. It is not exclusive. Exclusivity is not the love of God but the "love" of ego. However, the intensity with which true love is felt can vary. There may be one person who reflects your love back to you more clearly and more intensely than others, and if that person feels the same toward you, it can be said that you are in a love relationship with him or her. The bond that connects you with that person is the same bond that connects you with the person sitting next to you on a bus, or with a bird, a tree, a flower. Only the degree of intensity with which it is felt differs. " | |
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| I LOVE you......I'm just not IN LOVE with you...
Posted: 6/22/2007 2:16:57 PM | Hi Mona_Lisa_Smiles.
You wrote,
(Msg 132) I think you may have misunderstood me thinking the initial attraction is not important for me. Initial attractions is the key, but it is a combination of their physical, their personality, interestes, etc. etc. I don't base my interest in intimate relationship only on common interests, these encounters are called friends.
Not to belabor the point but I feel when people consider "their physical, their personality, interestes, etc. etc." they run into a problem because, subconsciously, they are taking those things into consideration when determining/evaluating an attraction.
For example, let's say a young women wants to marry and have a family. She meets a guy at some social function and there is an immediate attraction. They chat a bit and she finds out he has a "regular" job. A few days later her friend decides to set her up with a wealthy young man. Before meeting him she may be thinking that if she has children she will be able to stay at home and raise them. She thinks about all the positives a financially well off partner can offer. Already she is becoming attracted to the man even though she has not met him. In other words he's already made a good first impression just by his reputation.
This is what I feel happens today especially with computer dating. The initial first impression is not made when meeting. It is garnered from ones profile. One will be predisposed to liking the person if they like the profile meaning the first face-to-face meeting does not have to stir as deep an emotion as if meeting at a dance or pik-nik.
The point is I don't feel a proper first impression can be made if two people know a lot about each other before meeting. They will have already formed an impression and that vital chemistry, that "I want you!" feeling one should feel, is influenced by what they already know about the person. That results in a faulty first impression. Rather than just being attracted by looking at the person they are attracted by knowing things about them beforehand which is a variation of friendship first.
When I was dating, years ago, it was through a phone service. Of course, we couldn't see a picture of the other person. I always pushed to meet as soon as possible before we knew a lot about each other. The reason? I didn't want the first impression to be distorted by things they told me.
As I explained to one lady I could tell her all the things she wanted to hear so when we met she would already have fond feelings for me. If she misinterpreted something I said and based her attraction to me on what I said rather than on chemistry the relationship would crumble. The attraction had to be there with knowing little, if anything, about me. Then, if the attraction was determined, we would pursue it further. We had the cornerstone for a relationship. That initial attraction was the real thing. Neither she nor I could fake it. It was either there or it wasn't. It didn't depend on words or interpretation. It could not be manipulated. That is the crucial difference.
The reason I say that is because when my partner and I met it was after a few phone conversations over a period of a week. No pictures. No email. The initial meeting lasted eight (8) hours from 11 AM till 7 PM. The initial attraction/link/chemistry was there. There was no denying it. We each made decisions on what to do and where to go next over the eight (8) hour period. We explored our similarities and our differences and we had a lot of differences but we enjoyed being together.
I call it special relationship, or prostituting yourself.What is the point of making a pretzel of my life and myself so i can fit in someone elses life. It never works, and one feels like sh... after .....
Without getting too personal my partner made a big adjustment to "accomodate" me. She having an excellent job and education she deferred to my living and investing requests. At the same time I adjusted my lifestyle from, shall we say, the street level to something more civilized. The payoff has been most handsome. Again, the point is neither one of us "fit in" with the other. We started a whole new life. Nothing like her old life and definately nothing like mine.  To be sure we still have our differences but that initial attraction, the one thing people can not fake, is still alive and well.
I agree with your pretzel analogy but that happens when one or both insist on the other "fitting in". Two people should fit together in a whole new life. That's what a relationship means to me. That's why when I read profiles that say the person is seeking someone to "fit in" or "compliment" their life I just shake my head. It's doubtful they'll ever find someone who will be what they want over a long period of time.
I realize this post is getting quite lengthy but I find this discussion/topic most interesting.
Regarding the Eckard Tolle writing,
There may be one person who reflects your love back to you more clearly and more intensely than others, and if that person feels the same toward you, it can be said that you are in a love relationship with him or her. The bond that connects you with that person is the same bond that connects you with the person sitting next to you on a bus, or with a bird, a tree, a flower.
In a sense, yes, we are all "one", simply stardust. However, for the sake of discussion we are defining "love" between human beings and that love can definately differ. The person who mugs you on the street has a different form of love for you than your partner does. The exception being if ones partner is in a divorce court. Then it's a legal mugging. | |
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| I LOVE you......I'm just not IN LOVE with you...
Posted: 6/22/2007 2:21:27 PM | | I dated a girl, really awesome most any other guy would have loved dating her. She loves sports , was really beautiful , very sweet. But there was a problem talking to her was about a sinteresting as havinga conversation with a wall. She just had no deep thoughts ever. Extreamly simple minded. She was well educated but trying to converse with her at times about politics or philosophy was usless. Im the type of person who must have someone i can converse with on the same level. we dated for far too long and i eventully had to end it . It was sad i felt really bad as a person but i know it was comfort relation ship and not one where we were really in love. I have not been in love in years , may never be in love again and it may happen tommorow i dont know but havinga relationship just to be happy someone is there is not good. | |
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| I LOVE you......I'm just not IN LOVE with you...
Posted: 6/22/2007 2:26:21 PM | jwfive0
In simple terms: I am in lust with you(I want y to f**k you. But, and this is the catchy part, I want to f**k other people too! Simple, to the point, and painful! I had a trucker and old co-work that pulled that one on me. At one point he told me this only to come crawling back because th girl he was "madly in love (lust) with turned out to be a lesbian and didn't want to roll in the covers with him. LOL | |
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