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Posted: 11/5/2007 5:58:52 AM | | He's MARRIED. I don't care if they're having problems or not, as long as he's keeping the marriage legal, he's not giving it up, no matter how good the sex is with you. Basically, he's cheating on her...and obviously trying to keep it a secret since he doesn't present you to friends & family. He may only be using you to hurt HER. You might consider this: if this is how he treats his wife, how do you think he's going to treat you?? | |
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Posted: 11/5/2007 6:10:13 AM | I would have been long gone at paragraph two.
Then for the rest you answer your own question.
Anybody can develop that "tension", particularly with the "taboo"
Is he confused? I doubt it. Time to look to yourself. | |
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Posted: 11/5/2007 6:17:44 AM | Hi ultraMe........read your thread and saw more red flags pop up then I've ever seen on any other post before.
He tells you AFTER becoming intimate with you, he's STILL married. (coughing here on the separated bit of info) RED FLAG
He never took you anywhere. You never met his family or friends. RED FLAG
He doesn't want to meet any of your friends. RED FLAG
Five months into the relationship, he tells you he's renewing his relationship with his wife. VERY BIG RED FLAG!
And you STILL allow him to come visit you???????
Girl! Do the words "being used" strike a cord with you at all? I don't think you're
'confused'. I think you're as blind as a bat and can't see reality because of all the garbage he's fed you.
He's not confused in the least! He knows exactly what he's doing and you've let him. He's playing you like a fiddle and you keep asking him to play more tunes. STOP IT! Have more respect for yourself. He obviously has NO respect for you whatsoever. He never did and never will. Do yourself a BIG favour and kick his sorry a$$ out the door and slam it shut once and for all! | |
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Posted: 11/5/2007 6:22:55 AM | This guy clearly has no plan of leaving his wife,and this is why he won't take you out in public,or to meet his friends.
Years ago I dated someone,only to find out he was married.
He did the exact same thing to me.He tried to convince me he was going to divorce his wife,but it never happened.He was just trying to use me for sex,and it devasted me when I realized this.
This happened to me 9 yrs ago,and this man is not only with his wife still,but he still tries to contact me on occasion.lol
Married men who cheat are very selfish individuals,you deserve to be with someone who can devote more time to you.Besides,why do you want to be with a married man?
It's not fair to the other woman to be sleeping with this guy,even if the sex is "incredible". | |
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eazk
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Joined: 9/8/2006
Msg: 30 | |
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Posted: 11/5/2007 6:24:58 AM | Dumb question, Lady~, but why is "he playing her" when all the cards are on the table? Granted, he should have told her earlier he was married, but she continued on with him for months and months.
Sorry, but this seems like a FWB thing in which a 53 y.o. woman felt better about being sexually desired than understanding the realities of life. This isn't some 22 y.o. being led on. This is a 53 y.o. who opted to continue the relationship when her obvious answer should have been "....Fine, call me when I can come to your apartment and meet your friends and bring mine."
Sorry...no pity here...4 more months of sex and another 4 months after he told her he may be staying with his wife. Exactly where is the conflicting message for the last 2/3 year?
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Posted: 11/5/2007 6:28:55 AM | The reason you two never went out anywhere is probably because he is not separated at all and is still married. He did not want anyone he knows to see him out with another woman who is not his wife. Who dates someone and never goes out anywhere. That in itself would raise a huge red flag for me right there .
He wants to have his cake and eat it too . In other words he wants to continue being married to his wife and to have sex with you and other women as well. I pity this women. She is going to end up getting an std from all the running around this man is doing. | |
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Posted: 11/5/2007 6:31:01 AM | | You are right you are confuessed when you found out he was married and you kept seeing him you became a FWB lady after finding out that you kept seeing him, its couldnt be confuessed thier as you wanted it. | |
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daisie
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Joined: 9/22/2004
Msg: 33 | |
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Posted: 11/5/2007 6:41:03 AM | awwwwwwwwwww aint that sweet.
you guys got the horndogs for each other.
he's married and didnt tell you till after he got some nookie.
ya'll got the horndogs.
he' siad he's getting back with his spouse...the one he walked downt he aisle and took vows with and has a shared life/history and probably kids and extended family. (that all trumps the horndogs in the longrun)
all that email and profiles and blah blah I didnt understand the point...but i think youve got enough to go on here. you think its a good idea to stick around with this guy???
either hes sneaky and purposely decieved you to get some horndog action. orrrrrrrr he's just a confused man in the middle of life turmoil and major life decisions about how he plans to treat his WIFE and his family...he's not really emotionally available. Hes only HORNDOG available.
Who let the dogs out???
merry xmas
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Posted: 11/5/2007 6:57:07 AM | re Post 31:
"The reason you two never went out anywhere is probably because he is not separated at all and is still married. He did not want anyone he knows to see him out with another woman who is not his wife. Who dates someone and never goes out anywhere. That in itself would raise a huge red flag for me right there"
I hate to be the one to question the conventional wisdom (no pun), but since when dating or a rel meant "going out"? That is the "hanging out" option and is irrelevant to a rel. Do some people really want a "wining and dinning" or "movies" buddy, ie USE another for "cinema" or "dinner out"? And how is that NOT playing?
Did the have sex and only sex that time they spent together? Did they talk, did they share non-sexual moments too, indoors?
THAT, IMO, is the litmus test as to whether one is TRULY "used for sex". The rest is #^^##&, IMO!
"He wants to have his cake and eat it too . In other words he wants to continue being married to his wife and to have sex with you and other women as well. I pity this women. She is going to end up getting an std from all the running around this man is doing"
Again I hate to be the one to question the conventional wisdom here, but AGAIN here comes not Johnny but the STD issue! How predictable a rationale - extrapolation! We went from a (possible) wife and a (possible) affair (1+1 = 2) to STD scare! Well, no, not reasonably, as long as a condom is ALWAYS being used. And who says he sleeps with his "wife"! Maybe he is "using" her for "home ec" only!!! Oh pleez!
Hey, I am not married or a player, just like to question the conventional wisdom. I do not take dates out. We stay in and talk and talk and talk. Till we drop! Does that make me a playa? LMAO If they want a cinema or dining out "buddy", let them USE someone else, even if they "offer" sex in "return"! Cuts many ways, this "used for" thingy!
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Posted: 11/5/2007 7:14:16 AM | Condoms are not 100% effective so that is how the whole std thing came about . If you are dating someone and you never go anywhere then that is very strange. How very boring to just stay in the house all the time and talk. I can stay in the house by myself . I don't need someone else to do that with me. Going out somewhere and doing something with another person is half the fun of it .The other half "obviously "being the going out part . Sure i can go to the movies or to dinner by myself ,but it will not be as fun as having someone else there who i like being with.
Anyway i wont respond to anymore of your condescending attacks . You might start slinging the word syllogism around as usual. Anything but that . lol!! | |
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| On Decoding the Conflicting Messages
Posted: 11/5/2007 7:31:46 AM | On Decoding the Conflicting Messages:
re post 35:
With all due respect to a seasoned fellow forummer and NOT in ad hominem but in follow up to the syllogisms and only them:
"Condoms are not 100% effective so that is how the whole std thing came about ."
I think that is a "faulty" message! Because:
a) Nothing in life is 100% safe. Eg driving a car, taking a plane, eating meat, taking elevators, etc.
b) The whole STD thing did not come about due to broken condoms (did it, is that a new official theory?????) but people not using them, especially when they "felt" safe with the partner not to use one!
Now, more interestingly (since the STD thing has been discussed ad nauseum):
"If you are dating someone and you never go anywhere then that is very strange"
Like "100% safe", "never go out" is another extremity, of course. Unreal. 95% thought or 90% is not.
"How very boring to just stay in the house all the time and talk"
Of course it is, if you do not REALY like the other person!! Of course it is! That is my point. Thanks for making it!
"I can stay in the house by myself "
And I can have sex by myself! There goes the "used for sex" rationale then!
"I don't need someone else to do that with me."
Neither do I, I do not "need" one but I want one!!! That is the point, to be wanted bt not needed, tight? Because a need is satisfied by anyone, whereas a want, it is person specific!!!
"Going out somewhere and doing something with another person is half the fun of it."
The other half being?
I insist, it is "being used" for "going out" with! As bad as being used for sex, IMO, if not worse! Because sex does involve a min of feeling, at minimum! Of course scare of going out alone is a feeling too, but that is what paid bodyguards are for, eg.
"Sure i can go to the movies or to dinner by myself ,but it will not be as fun as having someone else there." (a)
Logic 101 exercise: Let us replace the movies and dinner words with others and compare them for the sake of what is a conflucting message and what a "hidden agenda"/be used for something discussion:
b) Sure I can have sex by myself ,but it will not be as fun as having someone else there
c) Sure I can raise my children myself ,but it will not be as fun as having someone else there
d) Sure I can talk by myself or in an online forum, but it will not be as fun as having someone else there.
Bottom Line: Using whom and for what is a very complicated issue and the "used for sex" rationale can lead to very conflicting conclusions and messages too!
Was the OP used for sex? The info is not enough to judge. Unless we enter the guy's brain (too much CSI indeed). It seems much SAFER to throw in "used for sex" soiund bites. But it is not.
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Posted: 11/5/2007 7:56:14 AM | Lemme let you in on a little secret. Humans just naturally like to gloat. Gives 'em something to go "I scored" about as they show off their trophies. If you've run into someone who wants to keep you under wraps (and instinct knows) they're hiding something. That's clue number one that you're being played....
Steve | |
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Posted: 11/5/2007 8:06:17 AM | I can sum it all up very quickly:
If you have to lie to reach your goal, you make the goal a lie as well. | |
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Posted: 11/5/2007 8:16:38 AM | | Excuse me, dear lady: Have you asked yourself what is that you wanted out of this? If you knew he was separated ( and not divorced) than you took knowingly a high-risk path.......If he did not tell you he was separated, then he obviously lacks integrity and, If I was you, I wouldn't bother going any further. Wisdom!!!! | |
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Posted: 11/5/2007 8:22:35 AM | | OP. If he lied about being separated in the first place, then basically he is not above lieing. I hate to say it, but he's probably just stringing you along as a sideline until he comes up with a better option. If he is on his own and feeling in need of company, he knows he can always call on you when he needs you. There is no consideration for your feelings in any of this, and there wasn't any from the beginning. Personally I would cut this man out of my life completely. He is keeping your life on hold for him, and he knows it, so you need to have more respect for yourself, because life is to short to waste it on someone who has no respect for your feelings. | |
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Posted: 11/5/2007 8:48:25 AM | In most cases I tend to get to the heart of people with care. But with some there is a need to spell things out in a way which is very very clear.. My reason is this..
After seeing me for 5 months he tells me he's renewing his relationship with his wife.....something I still have trouble believing.
Can I ask why you have trouble believing this when you believe the lies that he tells you. He tried to tell you this, but if you dont want to hear it then its futile him even speaking to you. If this were a lie why would he tell you it? Do you think that maybe he has tried to break this off many times and found himself in a position where you are offering to give him anything he wants? You appear to be very selective with what you want to believe about this man and what he truly wants.. With you standing in front of him, and I mean this as a compliment.. He a man cannot help himself but agree that the feelings are very strong.. If you speak to him rationally, without the lure of temptation he will very likely prefer to leave this trap he finds himself in between you and his wife . So he runs to another place, POF in an attempt to get away from both situations which are possibly causing him to go crazy with worry about what he should do...
My advice is.. If you love him let him go.. If he comes back he is yours.. Stop the temptations and luring him into something he quite obviously cannot handle, and is in a complete mess as to know what to do to put this right...
I am sorry that this is not what you wish to hear. and I really am not trying to be mean. I really sincerely hope that he does come back to you.. But do give this man space and time. and see if your feelings are correct, that the chemistry for him is so strong that he will make the decision and that decision will be to be with you.
With respect.
Catherine aka star.xxx | |
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ealey1
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Joined: 10/3/2007
Msg: 42 | |
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Posted: 11/5/2007 8:55:34 AM | i really think there is more to it! but he is a dog and you deserve so much more. he hasnt left his wife and you want to hold on too something that isnt yours. trust me ive been through it but same thing he never told me he was married. but once he did i was out. my best advice to you is to move on and you will find better then that.
take care and let me know how things are going. lori | |
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Posted: 11/6/2007 12:14:28 PM | Hi Rune3
I think I still continued to see him with that eternal hope of him, finally smartening up. I agree with what you said about I shouldn't even be in the picture, totally. Another reason I stayed with it I guess is the lonliness I experience daily. I have no family and am alone all the time. It doesn't help. That plus the fact that overall I'm a shy person makes for meeting others difficult.
My profile tells you that A.) I'm not interested in becoming someone's toy or playmate. B.) If one is married or involved with others then they need to move on...I'm not interested. It very clearly states I want a serious relationship based upon honesty, respect and integrity.
I changed my "Dating" to "Hang Out" because nobody appears to want to date anymore. In saying "Hang Out" maybe there's a glimmer of a chance in meeting someone who hopefully will want to date me.
Why I'm on all those favourites lists is beyond me. I have no idea of who these people are, and have never corresponded with most of them. This is the FIRST post I've ever put out, and all I wanted was someone to help me try and figure out if this guy is messing with me or if at some point in time he would smarten up.
As for me being the intimate encounter type, you couldn't be further from the truth. If anything, I'm the exact opposite. There is nothing on my profile that would give off that message if you've read it properly. Anyone looking at my profile and paying proper attention to it would know what I want / need.
I live a quiet life, I don't go out much. I don't pick up men or meet them here looking for sex or a sexual encounter. I want a real relationship, a decent one.
Thank you for your imput, it is much appreciate as are all that I've received. It certainly sheds a much clearer light on the situation I've asked about. Now, I need to "wash that man right out of my hair"....now!
Susan | |
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Posted: 11/6/2007 12:17:10 PM | Thank you for your imput, it is so much appreciated.
You're right....I have no idea of why I put up with it but do know I won't be any longer.
Each and every man who's responded to this question has given the same answer.....and it appears the only person who was wrong about this man was me. A lesson well learnt!
Again - thank you
Susan | |
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Posted: 11/6/2007 12:20:11 PM | Hi Beachchick
I now realize exactly what was happening here and you're right.....I'm being his dummy. No more and certainly no less.....Or was his dummy. Past tense. Time to move on for sure. The sad part is the waste of time on someone not worth it. I wish I'd posted my question months ago...hindsight is amazing isn't it?
Thanks for the imput, it's so much appreciated.
Susan | |
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Posted: 11/6/2007 12:27:11 PM | Hi Ladyinwaiting
All those Red Flags did pop up and this idiot here kept ignoring them.
I'm so new at all this . I'm now a widow after 22 years of marriage and things have certainly changed for sure. I guess between being so darn lonely and knowing that at least one person was paying some attention is what kept it going.
However; after reading the comments here I know for sure I'd rather be lonely than put up with anymore of his BS...for lack of better words.
He is now History, a lesson that won't soon be forgotten but he did set a good example of what "Not To Tolerate" under any circumstances.
Thanks so much, all of you, for opening my eyes to this fool....or opening this fools eyes I should say.
I hope each and every one of you have an awesome day....you're all truly remarkable.
Susan | |
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Posted: 11/6/2007 1:54:46 PM | OP:
However, he didn't look at my profile. Anyone getting a letter from someone always looks at the senders profile. Human nature would pretty much guarantee it.
Most of the folks on here have set you straight on this guy OP, but in regards to the email thing. You don't have to log on to check someone's profile. If you have mail, you can make note of the sender, log off and do a user search and no one knows anything else.
It's always been a mystery to me how folks send me emails telling me they read my profile without actually making it look like they looked at my profile. It almost causes me to scratch my head sometimes, but that's just the way it is sometimes.That's one way to do it, and i think there's a couple of other ways as well. So you can't be sure they never read your profile. I know I checked your profile out before posting this but I'm not logged on so I doubt it will show that I checked you out. .
Anyway, good luck to you . | |
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Posted: 11/6/2007 2:19:15 PM | I sincerely wish you all the best.. The future is a happier place once the decision is made to close one door behind. turn right around and walk forward..
Take care of you and keep smiling..
Catherine aka star.xxx  | |
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Posted: 11/7/2007 3:50:51 AM | Ultra -
getting the facts dished out in small doses
is part of a pattern
the surprise of the info muted by the timing
(you have piercings where? no i don't think i want to watch the tape of you getting them) too much to swallow is often fed to you in little bites
we all decide what we are worth,
those that forget that never get full price
your trust isnt worth much to someone already
throwing his wife under the bus
Im sorry you were played but it happens in every way
equal energy exchanges are rare.. thats why so many are still fishing
another important factor, if you got away without needing antibiotics
its a lesson cheaper than it might have been. while that might sound cold
its real with 76 ( and still counting) strains of HPV alone , several directly linked to cervical cancer
Players are poison, potentially to all of us
that might not have been as true 20 years ago
today its reality | |
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