| My humble opinion on the fear factor of loving another.
Posted: 5/27/2005 10:54:43 AM | it goes without saying.. there are only two forces in life
love and fear and everyone operates from one of them.
This is the basis taught in the bible... and can pertain not only
to how people love but what they are too afriad to face... which prevents
emotional growth and things in the way in the nature of trust.
The things that are required for any type of happy union between people.
there is little hope for anything considered good or healthy relationship wise
other than a purely physical one when one is not emotionally open
this goes without saying. | |
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| My humble opinion on the fear factor of loving another.
Posted: 5/27/2005 10:58:17 AM | | Yeah! I'm definitely the first group and it has caused me no end of emotional pain... but why change?? It's the only way to live your life as far as I'm concerned, with practice the letdowns become ever more comical | |
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| My humble opinion on the fear factor of loving another.
Posted: 5/27/2005 11:10:46 AM | I could love someone and care for them but when it comes to
getting seriously involved with them... other factors come into play
because compatibilty matters to me.
Compatibilty factors include overall chemisrty and the ability to have fun together....loyalty, intellectual interests, physical and sexual attraction, shared goals and plans, shared relationship goals, communication and more...
I feel the issue is not so much about fear of love when dating... but uncommonalities in compatibility factors , and they are taken to a personal level... and threaten someone with an otherwise unhealthy ego... feelings get hurt... some are revengeful types... and the rest is recorded all throughout history.
In having the ability to love openly and take chances, it should be considered that some people do not take comaptibity factors into account or do nort seriously consider them BEFORE becomoing emotionally involved.
This is what I see. | |
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| My humble opinion on the fear factor of loving another.
Posted: 5/27/2005 12:15:56 PM | | great thread BDR and very accurate description of people...i'm still naive and get hurt like hell...being from the first group mentioned...i've met and scared off a few ppl. in the 2nd category...wouldn't trade places with 'em for anything... | |
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| My humble opinion on the fear factor of loving another.
Posted: 5/27/2005 12:37:39 PM | | anyone who's built up walls that high around their heart to avoid feeling love or being hurt...not only does that keep out the pain, it doesn't let in any of the real joy either...to me that's not a real life...feeling nothing, being numb & settling for whatever comes along...nty | |
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| My humble opinion on the fear factor of loving another.
Posted: 5/27/2005 12:54:18 PM | The concept of belief or disbelief that "LOVE CONQUERS ALL"...
is one area of compatibility... that should be discussed with a potential partner.
It is an area of great divide in relationships... explaining why some are willing
to date some and not others.
Some examples may be:
if someone lives 50 miles away and one of the people
do not wish to persue a relationship die to distance concerns.
if one person decideds not to date someone or get too involved with
them based on appearance, age, weight, height.
if one person has children and the other doesnt want to date
someone with children.
if one person has emotional needs they want or expect a partner
to forfill that are seen by the other as needy, clingy or smothering.
if one partner likes to spend money and does not mind if they have
or dont have a bank account and they other is a saver who plans
for the future.
The list can be long and many of the threads in this forum reflect on these issues of imcompatibility. For myself love does not conquer all in relationships I would like someone who is compatible to me.
If someone believes love conquers all, there should be no problems in finding someone because no matter what they belive in, want, do or say... the other person will accept it being they both believe their love for each other will conquer all.
I do not believe love conquers all... I need someone who is compatible with me, has similar values as well as some similair interests.
* to each their own | |
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| My humble opinion on the fear factor of loving another.
Posted: 5/27/2005 1:07:17 PM | | cdnskydiva I was thinking this through, but you worded it great. The happy medium. I don't really fit into either extreme, but have some characteristics of both. People are not easily pigeonholed, so many times we're not either absolutely this or completely that but some of each. Does that make sense? Well, I think the best place is in the middle. leaving yourself open to being used is when you KNOW you're being used, why would someone do that? On ther other hand if you're so closed off, noone can get close enough to you emotionally to share that kind of intimacy. | |
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| My humble opinion on the fear factor of loving another.
Posted: 5/27/2005 1:27:12 PM | | just the fact that we're dissecting love with a fine-toothed comb, like it's some quadratic equation for which there's one real proof...i go out my front door, i sometimes meet men, i follow my heart regardless of the age, distance, needs, appearance, bank acccount or anything else...i don't have a rule book or a grocery list of what my "soulmate" will be all about...i'm in this game to break some eggs... | |
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| My humble opinion on the fear factor of loving another.
Posted: 5/27/2005 1:34:46 PM | reserved?? I'm downright scared!
I've met ONE man who was so charming I gave all. I'd do it again! He said. . "I likeyour charm, wit, intelligence, that you're beautiful and sexy is a bonus!" Not one man I've met before or since has been even close. Most are, wanna have sex? (eye rolling smiley)
so,yeah, I'm scared!
Cat | |
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| My humble opinion on the fear factor of loving another.
Posted: 5/27/2005 2:00:52 PM |
I think there is a third group as well.....somewhere in between setting it all free and keeping most of themselves closed off.....and I think I have a tendency to fall in the middle somewhere.
Me too Raven.
I used to wander through the world loving everyone I would meet without a care. Repeated burnings from people that would take advantage of that kind of openess and trust have forced me to be a lot more guarded with my feelings. | |
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| My humble opinion on the fear factor of loving another.
Posted: 5/27/2005 4:09:16 PM | @deagle, yeah well Im with you.
lol
On Topic:
It seems this area is of more imprtance than I once believed it to be.
Now Im thinking I should rank it up close to the top...
to make sure the person I am involving myself with is someone who does not
beleive that love conquers all.
Even more compelled to ask anyone I am thinking of getting involved
with question EARLY ON.
Too bad this thread cant keep going... it raises some interesting insights.
maybe the core and basis of why many relationships seem to start off so well and then fail soon afterwords. I know I have met a few guys who were not all that appealing to me physically and that is going to have to become a higher priority as well as some other things.
Emotional intelligence, healthy self esteem and ability to communicate well would come at the TOP of my compatibility needs. Communication because I dont like playing mind reading games !!!!!!!!!!!! | |
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| My humble opinion on the fear factor of loving another.
Posted: 5/27/2005 4:33:49 PM | | To love someone, you must be vulnerable and take some chances. Not to be unromantic, but you can't let your heart run away with your head. Love and relationships like so many things in life, are best when there is a balance, rarely is something good at either extreme. No go young grasshopper...(sorry had a Kung Fu moment...) | |
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| My humble opinion on the fear factor of loving another.
Posted: 5/27/2005 4:42:18 PM | @buc
I agree. Maybe this comes with age or expereince. At one time as a very young teen ager I do recall having this conversation with my father about love and what it was and wasnt.
He told me something very profound I didnt understand at the time... which was.. they are all gonna be nice guys as long as they are getting what they want.
I guess its the same for men (concering women). That fact was made very apparent and CLEAR (as a bell .. lol ) to me when I married. Love does not conquer all
but this is a personal issue everyone has to decide upon for themselves.
:)
I'm not only older but wiser I hope
:) | |
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| My humble opinion on the fear factor of loving another.
Posted: 5/27/2005 10:54:49 PM | Is there a line for Group Two or is it just Y and I. (I and Y?)(Y Me?)
Come on! We are all hopeful or we wouldn't bother. Like the Buddha says, desire is the root of all suffering. We want, we don't get, we suffer. Anyone who has ever put any part of themselves on the line perceives themselves to be a Group One-er. (Or one-and-a-half-er). Even the most skeptical, walled-off Group Two-ist takes a chance when he (or she) peeps out from the behind the drapes (pay no attention to the man behind behind the curtain!). I say, learn to love the hurt. Only by going into the pain can thou find thyself.
Can I have an Amen? | |
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| My humble opinion on the fear factor of loving another.
Posted: 5/28/2005 8:13:57 PM | Sweetie, in answer to your question: Question ...Does anyone here believe in SOULMATES
The answer is yes, there are soulmates, regardless of whether a person believes in them. I am not sure what your idea of a soulmate is, though. There is definitely not just one girl for ever boy cos I I know I found mine . . .
Also, falling in love is "kinda slow." Without trust, respect, and friendship, you have nothing, except the rush of lust, which like any good high ends, often with a terrible crash. | |
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| My humble opinion on the fear factor of loving another.
Posted: 5/28/2005 8:35:51 PM | FEAR?? Hell, the thing to fear is falling out of love with yourself! Gettin all worked up over any woman is walkin a tightrope. Not worth the effort. Many women feel the same about men. So what the hell? Who cares? It's all over when you're in the ground anyway. Personally, you can have the "love" shyt. I think it's overrated, and full of BS. I hate committments. Better to take care of numero uno than to lose your ass. | |
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Cheney
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Joined: 5/27/2005
Msg: 45 | |
| My humble opinion on the fear factor of loving another.
Posted: 5/28/2005 8:50:40 PM | Very sad, lonertx63. :( I hope that one day a special woman comes along and changes that point of view and that you become happy in love with someone you trust.
I had the wall and barrier attitude for so long from being so hurt from someone. I was young and stupid and fell in love with someone who was emotionally and physically abusive. I tried and tried to love another person and I just couldnt. I hurt way too many people although it was never my intention. :( I could care and sometimes have sex having that emotional bond with them but I couldnt make it go further than that no matter how much I wished to be in love again. It was my way of protecting myself but I realized that at some point I needed to let go of that because my protection was becoming my prison.
There was something wrong with me for sure. I couldnt trust.
Then one day I met the most fantastic man and even though we had been friends for a while and I really didnt consider it because there were others in the picture for both of us we just hit it off over coffee and that was it. I used to laugh at those who believed in love at first sight but I dont anymore because it happened to me.
There was always a tingling in the back of my head when I talked with him but I tohught it was just a connection. In every single way possible we connected. Even our differences were perfect if that makes sense. It is the most tender of love because we have been conversing back and forth for a long period of time now.
Dont put down those who have barriers up.
They arent there to hurt others they are just hurt themselves.
They are wounded. | |
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| Oh, I've been married for 28 years
Posted: 5/28/2005 8:53:50 PM |  But still, it was a mistake. I live comforably enough I guess, but it was a bad deal for my wife. I regret that for her sake. But for some reason she sticks with me. Guess she is mentally ill. | |
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| Oh, I've been married for 28 years
Posted: 5/28/2005 9:09:02 PM |
Dont put down those who have barriers up.
They arent there to hurt others they are just hurt themselves.
They are wounded.
Everyone makes mistakes...but hopefully you learn from them. I can't think of a single relationship I've been in...be it family, friend, or lover that hasn't been difficult or left me wishing that I had done things differently. Its impossible to be in ANY relationship and not expose yourself to getting hurt. Being in a relationship (especially an intimate one) means that you've opened yourself and exposed your vulnerabilities.
If you trust someone who doesn't deserve trust...you get hurt. Ouch.
If you find yourself always getting hurt...you become jaded.
Sometimes its your own bad judgement...sometimes its just some idiot that just doesn't care how thier behavior effects thier partner.
Either way...if you get punched in the gut a few times...you learn that you should put your guard up. Just in case. | |
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