| Things progressing - sex - no phone call for 3 days
Posted: 11/7/2007 11:40:04 PM | Some good advice above me. Didn't read them all but from my experience, if a guy calls you only once a week he just wants to have fun and isn't looking for anything serious. If he calls twice or more a week he is interested in something more than sex most likely. You have to remember, the average guy acts more needy than the average woman - so it's one of two things imo: a) he is playing hard to get or b) he isn't interested in you the same way you are in him.
He could be just busy though. You'll find out soon enough his intentions though. Give it another week. | |
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| Things progressing - sex - no phone call for 3 days
Posted: 11/8/2007 1:22:23 AM |
"Uh... Killing cats... Why?"
"Oh no reason. Just wanted to hear your voice."
Ooookayy... Now how do you get rid of them.
I have always found that leaving the carcasses outside a Chinese Restaurant
works. | |
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| Things progressing - sex - no phone call for 3 days
Posted: 11/8/2007 2:51:37 AM | Sex is not a must in a relationship.
I dissagree.
You should have added this is only your opinion to the line.
In a relationship sex is a must for me, and I only speak for myself, otherwise we're just friends.
This whole business of not acting upon each other's desire if you are involved with each other, because you can only have sex if you're married, is ridiculous. You find out only on the wedding night you are sexually incompatible and by then it's too late?Or are you saying, in your opinion again, it doesn't matter if you are sexually incompatible because sex is unimportant in the relationship?
Sex is just about the most intimate thing you can do with another person and you're saying you can have a healthy relationship without it?
A lot of frustrated, deprived people would dissagree with you.
Sex might seem good for the moment, but if that person is not the one you end up with for a lifetime then it's just pointless.
Again a sweeping statement. Why is sex with someone you don't spend the rest of your life with pointless? I've had numerous wonderful, bright, funny women come into my life over the years, not everyone I slept with, some were friends, some were girlfriends, one I married. All but one was never going to end in marriage, but they were wonderful, fulfilling relationships just the same. | |
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| Things progressing - sex - no phone call for 3 days
Posted: 11/8/2007 11:29:00 AM |
I dissagree.
You should have added this is only your opinion to the line.
In a relationship sex is a must for me, and I only speak for myself, otherwise we're just friends.
This whole business of not acting upon each other's desire if you are involved with each other, because you can only have sex if you're married, is ridiculous. You find out only on the wedding night you are sexually incompatible and by then it's too late?Or are you saying, in your opinion again, it doesn't matter if you are sexually incompatible because sex is unimportant in the relationship?
Sex is just about the most intimate thing you can do with another person and you're saying you can have a healthy relationship without it?
A lot of frustrated, deprived people would dissagree with you.
Trust me when I say I'm a very passionant man. With that said, I choose not to have sex before marriage because for spiritual reasons it's imoral. Now, you will say "well thats your opinion" so I'll go a different rout here and not even make the statement from a spiritual point of view. Sex is not a must have in the sense that, what is going to happen if you don't have sex with a woman your dating. I assure you it's not going to fall off and yes you can have enough control to deny yourself of having sex. What is the result of the many relationships, then of all the ones that don't lead to marriage. Sex just ends with hurt feelings and the person goes on to the next person and so on. When the person finally does marry, is there anything special left to share with just that one person you finally call your wife? No, you have been there and done that. Thats why I say it's pointless. Sure lots of things in life can seem to give pleasure at the moment. A child would like to eat candy all the time. The end result is they get sick or they get a cavity. Just dating someone and then sleeping with them leads to a breakup, hurt feelings, the woman sometimes left with a baby to take care of for the rest of her life while the guy runs off to his next conquest because he could not keep it in his pants and pressured the women to have sex. Finally, some sexual desease. No thank you! Yes you can say this is my opinion and yes it is. I feel my opinion though carries some weight to it if the ladies were being very honest as well. How many posts are there that are all about. "the guy sleep with me and now hes gone" Nope, make him wait and say no to sex, that will for sure let a woman know if he is truly wanting to get to know the real her or not. I think women deserve more then just "hey we had x amount of dates now so when are we having sex bit" Sorry, that don't seem right to me.
As far as the whole "if you wait until marriage it's rediculous because you might not be compatable on your wedding night" that is just a excuse used to try and justifty sleeping around before marriage in my opinion. Not everything do you have to "test out" to know if you will like something or not. It's communication is key. I know I'm a very sexual person, it's who I am and I also know that I would want someone who was willing to try many different things once married. With that said, again communication is key. If I was getting serious with someone that I was dating and thought that things could lead to marriage then you talk to them about it. I would ask them. Do you have a high sex drive? Would you be wild in the bedroom or would you be content to just do a few limited things? You can tell plenty just from talking to the person about it.
My original advice for the OP was to address what is a common issue for many women regarding men who want sex with them. To many guys act all nice, tell a woman what they want to hear, put on a big show, sleep with them and then a thread like this is created. I'm not telling anyone they have to do what I'm doing, but what better way for a woman to find out weither or not a guy truly loves her then for her to say. "guess what hunny, I'm not that kind of women and I will not have sex with you on a 1st date, 5th date or 100th date" "the day we are so in love and I'm your wife then the bedroom door opens" "until then deal with it"  Personally speaking I would love to meet a woman like that. Shows me some real character. | |
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| Things progressing - sex - no phone call for 3 days
Posted: 11/8/2007 1:23:03 PM | Ok - quick update....he called - he has been swamped - I will speak to him about how regardless of how busy he is I would appreciate a call now an again. We made plans for the weekend. Yay.
Since this thread has now delved into christianity and morals I think I will weigh in with my opinion.
1. People make choices for themselves that work for them. I don't think there is a set time frame of when one should or should not have sex - you have to trust your judgement and use common sense. Sometimes you win and you are right and chose to be with someone who has the same relationship goals in mind as you - other times you don't and get screwed over. But remember - it was your choice. Had my new friend chosen to be the type of guy who was just out for sex I would have been extremely surprised given his behaviour and communication. But it is not moral or immoral to choose to have sex.
2. Roses - on the Christian thing - I read your profile - I see you are a new Born Again Christian - I have a few friends who fall under this category - please be sure that you don't become one of those "christians" who now follow a higher than though mighty image of yourself and your choices - as the bible teaches us - all sin is equal and superiority and judgement of others is also a no/no - perhaps some further reading of the scriptures will assist you with understanding that a Christians role is to "gently" lead others to the right path - and to understand when their brothers fall down - without judgement. I am not saying that you weren't being "gentle" in your comments but you did get a few people's back up.
3. If we lived in a world where casual sex, and sex before marriage were not the norm I am sure a lot of people would choose to wait. But the reality is we don't live in that world. And there is a lot of pressure to go ahead and get intimate with someone. While I agree nobody will die from not having sex - a marriage will die if two people find themselves incompatible in the bedroom. So if we are all adults, being honest and true to ourselves and the people we choose to be intimate with then all should be fine. My feeling is we all must do what feels right for ourselves - as individuals without judgement cast by those who choose to live a different life path.
However, the true issue evolves when through poor communication or just simply game playing two people end up with varying expectations and then someone gets hurt and the other gets called a player.
Thankfully all seems well and my bear has come out of his cave ready for more dating interaction. BUT, truth is most women do appreciate a phone call within a 48hour window after the first sexual/intimate encounter. Is that SOOOO much to ask?
EDIT - Roses - "I want a woman who is blonde, blue or green eyes, slim body, 5,3 to 5,9 tall, pretty face and smile with nice legs and a cute butt." - ok so I had to cut and paste this from your profile - as a christian - what do you do when you are saying your prayers at nite - ask for this specific woman type? It is fine to have physical standards but come on - so brown eyed, dark haired girls who uphold the moral christian values etc. that you do can just forget it - you are NOT interested? I wonder what others think about someone who gives us all the moral christian viewpoint yet has such shallow requirements for a mate? | |
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| Things progressing - sex - no phone call for 3 days
Posted: 11/8/2007 2:04:04 PM |
2. Roses - on the Christian thing - I read your profile - I see you are a new Born Again Christian - I have a few friends who fall under this category - please be sure that you don't become one of those "christians" who now follow a higher than though mighty image of yourself and your choices - as the bible teaches us - all sin is equal and superiority and judgement of others is also a no/no - perhaps some further reading of the scriptures will assist you with understanding that a Christians role is to "gently" lead others to the right path - and to understand when their brothers fall down - without judgement. I am not saying that you weren't being "gentle" in your comments but you did get a few people's back up.
Not sure where you get the idea I'm a new Born Again Christian. I have been for many years. Yes I considered my statement in my previous posts being gentle, given the name of the thread. As far as getting others backs up about my thoughts on the thread topic. Well, I guess they get there backs up then. What I state is facts when I say that guys many many times do sleep with a woman and then dump them. If it was not the case there would be a whole lot less threads like this about it. So given that, what is a good way to sort out those types of guys that women give voice to. "oh so and so was so nice but after such and such amount of dates, we had sex and now I never hear from him" I stick by what I said in my other posts. I said it to try and give you some advice on how you sort out guys that often do dump women after a certain amount of dates and after sex. If you wish to take that risk then so be it.
3. If we lived in a world where casual sex, and sex before marriage were not the norm I am sure a lot of people would choose to wait. But the reality is we don't live in that world. And there is a lot of pressure to go ahead and get intimate with someone. While I agree nobody will die from not having sex - a marriage will die if two people find themselves incompatible in the bedroom. So if we are all adults, being honest and true to ourselves and the people we choose to be intimate with then all should be fine. My feeling is we all must do what feels right for ourselves - as individuals without judgement cast by those who choose to live a different life path.
If we lived in a world that was not sucide bombers killing people everyday, if we lived in a world were women were not assaulted each day, if we lived in a world were babies were not being killed each day from mothers that don't want them...... you get the idea. Just because it's accepted, or just because things happen in the world does not mean it's right or that everyone should follow what others all do. The rest with being incompatible in the bedroom. That is like I said before, communication is key. To say that a person needs to sleep with another to find out if they are compatable is just a excuse to sleep with them. You talk about things before marriage and you know if your compatable or not.
Regarding my specifics in my profile. I'm attracted to a certain type of woman. Are there no brown haired women that I find attractive? Sure there are, but for the most part I have and always will be attracted to blondes. It's no different then the countless profiles of women that I read that say they are looking for "tall dark and handsome" hmm Does it bother me that thats exactly what they want and maybe I'm not as tall as they want? No, I simply move on and accept that is what thy want. The shallow part and the Chirstian comment that you put at the end. Last I checked I don't believe God would want me with a woman that I'm not truly attracted to at all. The funny thing is that those who call other "shallow" are usually always ones that don't happen to fit into what the other person is looking for and they don't handle the rejection well.
Back to the topic at hand so I don't get a notice for going to far off topic. Bottom line is yes everyone can choose whatever path they want in life. I'm not going to twist anyones arm off to try and convince them different. However, when a thread is created like this and a person is wondering why some guy dumped them after a few dates after sex... well just remember it's all part of the choice you have made as well. | |
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| Things progressing - sex - no phone call for 3 days
Posted: 11/8/2007 2:36:14 PM | If you could somehow save sex like money and use all the unspent sex at some point in life, later on, I might buy into some of the waiting idea (STDs, etc. notwithstanding). As for the times a woman asked me to wait and I did and it wasn't worth it. I genuinely feel that people who wait have lower sex drives and don't really appreciate it because their bodies and minds aren't wired that way. Waitng is easier for some than others - that's a fact! It doesn't make either party wrong, frigid, promiscuous or more or less virtuous, you just are, it just is.
As for the idea of being used - it will never happen if you don't assume some other expectation.
Live a little for each day as there may not be a tomorrow.
JMHO | |
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| Things progressing - sex - no phone call for 3 days
Posted: 11/8/2007 3:46:31 PM | Forget him. Even if he does call you back eventually, don't bother to answer his call.. if you must then tell him you changed your mind and want nothing to do with him. Make up an excuse ( he has horrific body odour, you're unsettled by the amount of body hair that he has, anything will do, comments about size are great as well).
That's what I would do, at least. I wouldn't want to be involved with a man like that who's too inconsiderate of your feelings to pick up the phone just so that you have peace of mind knowing that you weren't being used for sex (which unfortunately, you probably were.) Sorry | |
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| Things progressing - sex - no phone call for 3 days
Posted: 11/8/2007 4:40:07 PM | Did you spend the nite at your place? Maybe there was something about your place he didn't like. ie you have cats and his ex- allowed their house to be overrrun with them
or something. Maybe there was something about your love making style he didn't
like. I disagree with a lot of the guys on this thread, I think there is something up.
I had a very good friend, or so I thought, for many months. She had a b/f who broke
things off with her and had her move out. She kept telling me how obsessed he was with her but she would tell me how she would put up these fake profiles to try to get
a date with him. If finally told her to let it go and that she was starting to sound like
a stalker. She never called me again (and it wasn't unusual for her to call me several
times a day) I called her a couple of times and she made a very lame excuse like she
hadn't been feeling well so I gave up. Never heard from her again. Don't be surprised
if you never hear from him again and you may never know why. Probably not a good
idea to have sex on the fifth date either. Otherwise you could end up sleeping with a
dozen men a year and after fifteen years of that you won't even remember their faces much less their names. With that many sex partners you're playing russian roulette.
I realize it's hard to say no when thing seem to be going so well and you're afraid you
might lose him if you say no but if things are really going that well he'll stick around. | |
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| Things progressing - sex - no phone call for 3 days
Posted: 11/8/2007 7:10:11 PM |
Thankfully all seems well and my bear has come out of his cave ready for more dating interaction. BUT, truth is most women do appreciate a phone call within a 48hour window after the first sexual/intimate encounter. Is that SOOOO much to ask?
Truth is... most men don't like assumptions being made about them. Is it SOOOOOO much to ask for a little patience? | |
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| Things progressing - sex - no phone call for 3 days
Posted: 11/8/2007 9:23:17 PM | Justme and Mark alan - if you read my last post you would see that the person who I originally was referring to in the post did come out of his "cave" and make plans for the weekend - as it turned out he was quite swamped with work, his child and no doubt a bit of time for reflective thinking.
Fahrenheit - you are quite right - probably should have given him more time and had patience but the reality is I was a little off put by his not calling and figured hey - why not get some insight from these brilliant POF people.
Is it just me - or do most people think - that most of the respondents on POF forums go for the negative over the positive? Is this because we have lost faith in dating or is it because it is just easier to be negative?   | |
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| Things progressing - sex - no phone call for 3 days
Posted: 11/8/2007 10:48:40 PM |
if you read my last post you would see that the person who I originally was referring to in the post did come out of his "cave" and make plans for the weekend - as it turned out he was quite swamped with work, his child and no doubt a bit of time for reflective thinking.
I post this for forum members who only read the Cliffs Notes version of threads. She got a boyfriend AND breakfast. (OP, enjoy your weekend!) | |
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| Things progressing - sex - no phone call for 3 days
Posted: 11/9/2007 8:07:12 AM | | Well that's umm good that he called back (albeit unacceptably late)... I'm actually shocked by that. I'm even more shocked that you're not pissed off. I know I would be. I don't care how busy a guy is, he isn't so busy that he can't spare five minutes. | |
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| Things progressing - sex - no phone call for 3 days
Posted: 11/9/2007 8:26:49 AM | Here's the thing ... why get pissed off - he needed some time on his own - I get that - I understand it - he wasn't off dating other hotties - he was working late - completely swamped with his serious executive job - and he is a full time dad - so I am cutting him some slack. There is no point in being a b-***ch about it - I like this person and it is new and he doesn't HAVE to check in with me. I will discuss with him rationally that I would prefer a bit more contact - if he doesn't agree with that we will have to part ways because we are incompatible. But I live my life understanding that the only thing in life I control is my reaction to things - I can "choose" to get all mad and angry about things - but my being mad and angry doesn't effect him - it effects me ... and it won't allow me to get to the heart of the issue with this man - or allow us to further develop things - my nature is to be rational and trusting and decide what fits for me. Not to freak out and get all mad about stuff. I choose my battles. I do believe as Dr. Phil says we teach people how to treat us - but that doesn't mean we have to be ****y and mad about it - a simple discussion about preferences is all that is required here.  | |
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| Things progressing - sex - no phone call for 3 days
Posted: 11/9/2007 8:50:00 AM |
Well that's umm good that he called back (albeit unacceptably late)... I'm actually shocked by that. I'm even more shocked that you're not pissed off. I know I would be. I don't care how busy a guy is, he isn't so busy that he can't spare five minutes.
I agree with you fully. Nobody is so busy that they can't take 5 minutes to pick up a phone and call in 3 days. If a person is that "busy" then I guess they are so busy they have no time to date then. Oh, then again he was not to busy to sleep with OP. IMO the guy just knows hes landed a woman who will put up with being used and so he has what he wants. It's amazing to me the OP points out the guy has some fancy job title though. I bet if he did not, she would not be cutting the guy the slack and being so "nice" about it. I can't help it, I'm completly amazed at how your handling this also OP.
The other poster and I are not trying to rip on you about your new guy, just trying to save you some grief. Anyway, can't say you were not warned. I know if that were me and a woman treated me that way, I would not accept that kind of thing either no matter what kind of job title they had. I refuse to be treated that way. | |
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| Things progressing - sex - no phone call for 3 days
Posted: 11/9/2007 9:23:04 AM | 1) what woman can wait till marriage for that?
2) what if you're not sexually compatable....then what...divorce?
3) why deprive yourself of something good....if he really likes her he'll stick around regardless
Exactly what kitten said above. Sorry Roses, those are opinions, they may be good for you and for that I applaud you, but they're not for everyone.
Frankly, if a woman doesn't either have sex with me within about 5 dates or there is a VERY serious indication that she soon will, I move on. I have to assume that a) she's just not that into me or b) she has sexual hangups. In either case, life is too short to stick around. Like the old axiom states: a woman knows within 5 minutes whether she wants to sleep with you. So within a month I should be in the know about what that decision is.
To the OP: it DOES however sound very fishy. I know that I don't want to go more than a day or two without talking to someone I'm really into. Personally, I would never go 3 days not talking after I had had sex with someone. I'm afraid he may be trying to split but you can't tell for sure until you talk to him. If he is then he's the kind of jerk that gives us all a bad name. If not, you need to express to him that it hurts your feelings when he doesn't talk to you for long periods of time.
EDIT- I actually just read that he called back. That's great! I think you still need to tell him how that made you feel and hopefully he won't do it again. | |
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| Things progressing - sex - no phone call for 3 days
Posted: 11/9/2007 4:37:07 PM | sweetsomedays,
So, you got the callback? Good.
Continuing with the theory that he was taking some time for reflection, along with a healthy dose of work and being a father, I would like to reiterate that he probably really appreciates the space you have given him.
This guy sounds like a mature, full of life experience person. He's worked hard to achieve success at the executive level. On the other hand, he's been through a divorce, and if I had to guess went through hell of some kind to get custody of his child.
He probably isn't going to rush into anything here. Every date counts with this guy. The better things are going, the more thought he is going to put into it. This is good for you. The worst thing you can do is begin voicing anything that can be percieved as a requirement. Save it for a little later. Building his attraction for you is going to be a little counter-intuitive. When you're with him - be with him, totally. When he needs space, give it to him. It's ok to check in once in a while. Instead of saying that you need to hear from him more, mention to him that when he calls it makes you feel really good. You get your point across without sounding like your trying to tie him down. He's a smart guy, he'll get it.
With the little info you have given, I almost feel like I can relate to him. I would tell you this - he will start out sharing little things in his life, pull away to reflect. As time goes on he will share more and more - because he wants to. Eventually he will reach the point where he will feel like he wants to include you in everything that he does, and every decision that he makes. There will always be times when he needs to pull away. The quickest way to derail your relationship with this guy is to deny him the space he needs, when he needs it.
I'm glad he called back. Us optimists need all the little victories we can get. | |
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| Things progressing - sex - no phone call for 3 days
Posted: 11/9/2007 4:47:02 PM | [OP] "Ok - quick update....he called - he has been swamped - I will speak to him about how regardless of how busy he is I would appreciate a call now an again. We made plans for the weekend. Yay.
Since this thread has now delved into christianity and morals I think I will weigh in with my opinion."
[Gift Wrap] (Sighs) Now, do you ladies see what happens when you have an issue with your man, but you choose to discuss it with people other than your man first? Especially total strangers or people who have only a few of the facts ... (Sighs again. Longs for a beer. ) | |
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