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| When you find out he's not who he says he is!
Posted: 12/2/2007 6:55:52 AM | Kat,
I am sorry for your pain, and glad to hear you are moving on. I sympathize with what you went through.
I just recently found out that a guy I was dating had lied to me about everything. And I do mean EVERYTHING. He lied about how long he had been divorced, who filed for divorce, why he got divorced (he had an affair – told me the wife had the affair that destroyed the marriage), lied about his past relationships since his divorce, he lied about taking a break from dating, he lied about his finances, lied about situations and events in his life, lied about his lover who he was still seeing days before our first date. Hell, I think he might have even lied about the time of day if I would have given him the chance.
Fortunately, I got wise quickly, after only about 4 weeks. When I confronted him, he admitted to his lies. He told me he lied “to save face” and he lied “because he was embarrassed”. But the kicker is these are things he brought up, not things I was looking for. He had stories that were lies, total lies. He said they were “fabricated”. Once I discovered the first lie (when he got divorced) the rest just all fell into place. And he admitted to all of it. When I questioned him about things he told me, he admitted to those which he had lied about – which was most everything.
He actually thought I would forgive him and wait around for him to work through his issues. Stupid boy!
Live and learn. Just remember, not all guys are like the one you got rid of. There are tons and tons of decent, honest, wonderful guys out there. You just have to find the one that is right for you. And pay attention to those little red flags.
Good luck to you!
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| When you find out he's not who he says he is!
Posted: 12/2/2007 1:57:57 PM | Papi,
I am sorry that you had to go through all the lies and deception from your ex...I guess that I just don't understand why he couldn't just keep it real and be true about who he is instead of lying/decieving me...I didn't give the guy a chance to explain why he lied...I have no doubt that he knows I that I know the truth now and that I have no qualms about letting others know he is a liar and is totally off his chair...the truth always wins out and one day he will have to answer to all that he has done and all the injustices that he has created in this world thru his lies and deception...Frankly, the bottom line is that I am too good for a loser like him and I know that there is a real man out there that will love me and accept me for who I am! I have never thought I was too good for anyone but, the more facts that are still coming to the surface to this day shows to me that even though I am not perfect and I have my own flaws...I am so much better off than with a loser like him...Life is too damn short to waste it on people like him... I am proud of you for kicking your guy to the curb and confronting him...Fabricating the truth is still the same thing as a lie...It is his loss not yours...you are too good for him and you are a beautiful woman that deserves so much better...Thank you for your message...Good luck finding the one for you...we all have that special one looking for us where the connection is like no other...
Always,
Kat | |
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| When you find out he's not who he says he is!
Posted: 12/3/2007 5:39:53 AM | Kat,
Thanks for your kind words. I am far better off without this man. I swear he would lie about the color of the sky. You are right, he doesn't deserve me. I let him explain because I was curious why he lied about such stupid things. But, he is history and I am moving on. We are far better off without these men in our lives. I'd rather be alone than with someone I cannot trust. But, what does not kill us only makes us stronger!
I hope you find the man of your dreams who treats you like a princess. Best of luck to you. Happy holidays.  | |
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| When you find out he's not who he says he is!
Posted: 12/3/2007 2:28:40 PM | | No way ,wat a git gives good blokes a bad name.enjoy the hurt as you need to go through the bad bits to realise how cool the good bits really are.Never change who you are fore some one else ,you are who you are.enjoy life. | |
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| When you find out he's not who he says he is!
Posted: 12/3/2007 3:32:21 PM | Why do you keep him around through all of this. You seem like a smart woman (from your profile), but keeping this guy is a very stupid move. I'm not belittling you, just your actions. If you helped this **stard paint his barn... then told you that. Why would you stick around. If you have not left him... you better leave him fast, his behavior will grow worse. Till he starts hitting you. Then if you stick around... you might end up dead.
Alot of men on POF are looking for a woman like you, Don't let this loser get the best thing and be a ***hole all the time. If you really want to be a cold hearted B... then you are just as bad as he is. Don't let this freak change who you are, drop him and find someone who will care for you. | |
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| When you find out he's not who he says he is!
Posted: 12/3/2007 11:33:11 PM | Boggey1,
I have hurt enough in my lifetime to have to put up with anymore sh*t...I have experienced good times in my life span so I know that they do exist! I will never change who I am for anyone...what you see is what you get plus you get someone genuine and trustworthy with me...
Always,
Kat | |
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| When you find out he's not who he says he is!
Posted: 12/3/2007 11:38:08 PM | Clorin,
He is not in my life anymore...When he calle dme a *itch among other things I dropped his ass as well as i basically told him what I thought and where he could stick it...Than k you for the compliments...The biggest problem is is that the guys on POF that are really looking for a woman like me live in other states and countries...lol I know that i will find a good man for me...it is just a timing issue and right now must not be my time...
Thanks again...
Always,
Kat | |
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| When you find out he's not who he says he is!
Posted: 12/4/2007 9:38:11 AM | | ok .. well where do i start ,, its easy for people to say why did u stick around but when you want to beleive in somone and something you get blinded,,, my story is simular,,, met someone 2 yrs ago now ,, and he done it to me for the two years until now ,,, ive given up ,,, hes belittled me,,, let me down time after time ,, so many ive lost count,, i wanted it to work so much ,, he fed me so full of bullshit time after time ,, and i beleived him (because thats what i wanted) a family life ,,, he let my daughter down too because she grew to love him so much she kept forgiving him ,, its not easy and im not a weak person .... far from it ,, its been hard to let go but youve got to,,,, your worth more ,,, who do they think they are ,, hold your head up high because youve done nothing wrong except falling for a rat ,, i feel the same afraid of getting involved with anyone now in fear of getting hurt again,, but now i think im ready ,,, take care xx | |
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| When you find out he's not who he says he is!
Posted: 12/6/2007 4:16:16 PM | Partyanimal 1,
I know exactly how you feel it is so hard when you care and believe in someone only to have them let you down and treat you like shit...Honesty seems to be such a rarity in today's time...I am very proud of your decision to walk away and stay away... He doesn't deserve you or your daughter's time or energy...It is his loss not yours...I know it hurts like hell when children are involved and they love the guy you are with...Luckily for me this jerk-off never met my kids and I am very thankful for that... I guess what I find the hardest is that I want to trust and believe in others without having to ask a million questions and have any doubts that I am getting the truth the first go around... I know all men are not alike but, it is hells bells when you meet someone like the jerk I met that totally decieves others and has no conscious about the lies and the way he treated me...I have since met some wonderful men on this site so I do know that there are good ones out there...Trust in your gut instinct, your heart and never let another treat you the way this one did...I have faith that you will find a good man that will love you and your daughter and you will have the family life that you want...You are a beautiful woman and deserve the best in life...Use this experience as a tool as to what you will not tolerate...Be bold and tell the next guy what you expect and if he treats you in any shape, form or fashion the way your ex did...then kick his ass to the curb...Don't settle for second best when you deserve the best!
Always,
Kat | |
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| When you find out he's not who he says he is!
Posted: 12/7/2007 1:14:41 AM | As SOON as you start really getting interested in a guy, run a background check on him, like you did afterwards. It helps if you know if they are actually who they say they are before you even meet them.
Pathological liar test, do a search for Sociopath. There are guidelines and warning signs. I was talking to a guy who from the first letter I was pretty sure was a liar and probably abusive. I refused to give him any personal information...I was married to a sociopath, I DID learn something...and pretty soon he was doing all that running down business saying "I'm just blunt and honest, that's just my way." Which means I get to bully you and be rude to you and you aren't supposed to say anything because I'm being honest. Sure enough, within a week he was calling me names because I had triggered him ( made it clear I wasn't falling for it) He started out looking really good on paper and all romantic and lovey dovey, maybe before I might have bought it. Now red flags go up.
I'm not saying all liars are sociopaths, but all sociopaths are liars, so it's a pretty good guide. | |
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| When you find out he's not who he says he is!
Posted: 12/7/2007 5:03:52 AM | Wildflowerkitten,
Thank you for the info...I did a search characteristics of a sociopath and this is what i found...God it is a scary world cause the guy this thread is about fits the bill...I think this is very helpful info...I am sorry that you went thru this but that you are using it as a learning tool...I have had two men talk down to me online since this happened and I have told them it would never work becuase I refuse to allow a man talk down to me and call me names...I deserve better! And sorry is not gonna cut it with me! If they will do it online you can bet they will do it more in person! The first incident was because I told a guy couldn't drive to see him and the second (another guy) was because I told him I was seeing someone at the time. He called me every name in the book then proceeded to tell me he was gonna kill himself because he loved me and I broke his heart...now mind you the second guy I had never met off of the computer and he had already told me he loved me...talk about a huge RED Flag...
Profile of a sciopath
Here are some of the common features of descriptions of the behavior of sociopaths.
Glibness and Superficial Charm
Manipulative and Conning
They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.
Grandiose Sense of Self
Feels entitled to certain things as "their right."
Pathological Lying
Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.
Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.
Shallow Emotions
When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.
Incapacity for Love
Need for Stimulation
Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common.
Callousness/Lack of Empathy
Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.
Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature
Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others.
Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency
Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet "gets by" by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc.
Irresponsibility/Unreliability
Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.
Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity
Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts.
Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle
Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively.
Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility
Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily.
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Other Related Qualities:
Contemptuous of those who seek to understand them
Does not perceive that anything is wrong with them
Authoritarian
Secretive
Paranoid
Only rarely in difficulty with the law, but seeks out situations where their tyrannical behavior will be tolerated, condoned, or admired
Conventional appearance
Goal of enslavement of their victim(s)
Exercises despotic control over every aspect of the victim's life
Has an emotional need to justify their crimes and therefore needs their victim's affirmation (respect, gratitude and love)
Ultimate goal is the creation of a willing victim
Incapable of real human attachment to another
Unable to feel remorse or guilt
Extreme narcissism and grandiose
May state readily that their goal is to rule the world
(The above traits are based on the psychopathy checklists of H. Cleckley and R. Hare.)
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NOTE: In the 1830's this disorder was called "moral insanity." By 1900 it was changed to "psychopathic personality." More recently it has been termed "antisocial personality disorder" in the DSM-III and DSM-IV. Some critics have complained that, in the attempt to rely only on 'objective' criteria, the DSM has broadened the concept to include too many individuals. The APD category includes people who commit illegal, immoral or self-serving acts for a variety of reasons and are not necessarily psychopaths.
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DSM-IV Definition
Antisocial personality disorder is characterized by a lack of regard for the moral or legal standards in the local culture. There is a marked inability to get along with others or abide by societal rules. Individuals with this disorder are sometimes called psychopaths or sociopaths.
Diagnostic Criteria (DSM-IV)
1. Since the age of fifteen there has been a disregard for and violation of the right's of others, those right's considered normal by the local culture, as indicated by at least three of the following:
A. Repeated acts that could lead to arrest.
B. Conning for pleasure or profit, repeated lying, or the use of aliases.
C. Failure to plan ahead or being impulsive.
D. Repeated assaults on others.
E. Reckless when it comes to their or others safety.
F. Poor work behavior or failure to honor financial obligations.
G. Rationalizing the pain they inflict on others.
2. At least eighteen years in age.
3. Evidence of a Conduct Disorder, with its onset before the age of fifteen.
4. Symptoms not due to another mental disorder.
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Antisocial Personality Disorder Overview (Written by Derek Wood, RN, BSN, PhD Candidate)
Antisocial Personality Disorder results in what is commonly known as a Sociopath. The criteria for this disorder require an ongoing disregard for the rights of others, since the age of 15 years. Some examples of this disregard are reckless disregard for the safety of themselves or others, failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors, deceitfulness such as repeated lying or deceit for personal profit or pleasure, and lack of remorse for actions that hurt other people in any way. Additionally, they must have evidenced a Conduct Disorder before the age of 15 years, and must be at least 18 years old to receive this diagnosis.
People with this disorder appear to be charming at times, and make relationships, but to them, these are relationships in name only. They are ended whenever necessary or when it suits them, and the relationships are without depth or meaning, including marriages. They seem to have an innate ability to find the weakness in people, and are ready to use these weaknesses to their own ends through deceit, manipulation, or intimidation, and gain pleasure from doing so.
They appear to be incapable of any true emotions, from love to shame to guilt. They are quick to anger, but just as quick to let it go, without holding grudges. No matter what emotion they state they have, it has no bearing on their future actions or attitudes.
They rarely are able to have jobs that last for any length of time, as they become easily bored, instead needing constant change. They live for the moment, forgetting the past, and not planning the future, not thinking ahead what consequences their actions will have. They want immediate rewards and gratification. There currently is no form of psychotherapy that works with those with antisocial personality disorder, as those with this disorder have no desire to change themselves, which is a prerequisite. No medication is available either. The only treatment is the prevention of the disorder in the early stages, when a child first begins to show the symptoms of conduct disorder.
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THE PSYCHOPATH NEXT DOOR (Source: http://chericola57.tripod.com/infinite.html)
Psychopath. We hear the word and images of Bernardo, Manson and Dahmer pop into our heads; no doubt Ted Bundy too. But they're the bottom of the barrel -- most of the two million psychopaths in North America aren't murderers. They're our friends, lovers and co-workers. They're outgoing and persuasive, dazzling you with charm and flattery. Often you aren't even aware they've taken you for a ride -- until it's too late.
Psychopaths exhibit a Jekyll and Hyde personality. "They play a part so they can get what they want," says Dr. Sheila Willson, a Toronto psychologist who has helped victims of psychopaths. The guy who showers a woman with excessive attention is much more capable of getting her to lend him money, and to put up with him when he strays. The new employee who gains her co-workers' trust has more access to their chequebooks. And so on. Psychopaths have no conscience and their only goal is self-gratification. Many of us have been their victims -- at work, through friendships or relationships -- and not one of us can say, "a psychopath could never fool me."
Think you can spot one? Think again. In general, psychopaths aren't the product of broken homes or the casualties of a materialistic society. Rather they come from all walks of life and there is little evidence that their upbringing affects them. Elements of a psychopath's personality first become evident at a very early age, due to biological or genetic factors. Explains Michael Seto, a psychologist at the Centre for Addiction and Mental health in Toronto, by the time that a person hits their late teens, the disorder is almost certainly permanent. Although many clinicians use the terms psychopath and sociopath interchangeably, writes psychopath expert Robert Hare on his book 'Without Conscience', a sociopath's criminal behavior is shaped by social forces and is the result of a dysfunctional environment.
Psychopaths have only a shallow range of emotions and lack guilt, says Hare. They often see themselves as victims, and lack remorse or the ability to empathize with others. "Psychopaths play on the fact that most of us are trusting and forgiving people," adds Seto. The warning signs are always there; it's just difficult to see them because once we trust someone, the friendship becomes a blinder.
Even lovers get taken for a ride by psychopaths. For a psychopath, a romantic relationship is just another opportunity to find a trusting partner who will buy into the lies. It's primarily why a psychopath rarely stays in a relationship for the long term, and often is involved with three or four partners at once, says Willson. To a psychopath, everything about a relationship is a game. Willson refers to the movie 'Sliding Doors' to illustrate her point. In the film, the main character comes home early after just having been fired from her job. Only moments ago, her boyfriend has let another woman out the front door. But in a matter of minutes he is the attentive and concerned boyfriend, taking her out to dinner and devoting the entire night to comforting her. All the while he's planning to leave the next day on a trip with the other woman.
The boyfriend displays typical psychopathic characteristics because he falsely displays deep emotion toward the relationship, says Willson. In reality, he's less concerned with his girlfriend's depression than with making sure she's clueless about the other woman's existence. In the romance department, psychopaths have an ability to gain your affection quickly, disarming you with words, intriguing you with grandiose plans. If they cheat you'll forgive them, and one day when they've gone too far, they'll leave you with a broken heart (and an empty wallet). By then they'll have a new player for their game.
The problem with their game is that we don't often play by their rules. Where we might occasionally tell a white lie, a psychopath's lying is compulsive. Most of us experience some degree of guilt about lying, preventing us from exhibiting such behavior on a regular basis. "Psychopaths don't discriminate who it is they lie to or cheat," says Seto. "There's no distinction between friend, family and sucker."
No one wants to be the sucker, so how do we prevent ourselves from becoming close friends or getting into a relationship with a psychopath? It's really almost impossible, say Seto and Willson. Unfortunately, laments Seto, one way is to become more suspicious and less trusting of others. Our tendency is to forgive when we catch a loved one in a lie. "Psychopaths play on this fact," he says. "However, I'm certainly not advocating a world where if someone lies once or twice, you never speak to them again." What you can do is look at how often someone lies and how they react when caught. Psychopaths will lie over and over again, and where other people would sincerely apologize, a psychopath may apologize but won't stop.
Psychopaths also tend to switch jobs as frequently as they switch partners, mainly because they don't have the qualities to maintain a job for the long haul. Their performance is generally erratic, with chronic absences, misuse of company resources and failed commitments. Often they aren't even qualified for the job and use fake credentials to get it. Seto talks of a patient who would get marketing jobs based on his image; he was a presentable and charming man who layered his conversations with educational and occupational references. But it became evident that the man hadn't a clue what he was talking about, and was unable to hold down a job.
How do you make sure you don't get fooled when you're hiring someone to baby-sit your child or for any other job? Hire based on reputation and not image, says Willson. Check references thoroughly. Psychopaths tend to give vague and inconsistent replies. Of course the best way to solve this problem would be to cure psychopaths of their 'illness.' But there's no recipe for treating them, say psychiatrists. Today's traditional methods of psychotherapy (psychoanalysis, group and one-on-one therapy) and drug treatments have failed. Therapy is more likely to work when an individual admits there's a problem and wants to change. The common problem with psychopaths, says Sets, "Is they don't see a problem with their behavior."
Psychopaths don't seek therapy willingly, says Seto. Rather, they're pushed into it by a desperate relative or by a court order. To a psychopath, a therapist is just one more person who must be conned, and the psychopath plays the part right until the therapist is convinced of his or her 'rehabilitation.'
Even though we can't treat psychopaths effectively with therapy, it doesn't mean we can't protect ourselves, writes Hare. Willson agrees, citing the most important factor in keeping psychopaths at bay is to know your vulnerabilities. We need to "realize our own potential and maximize our strengths" so that our insecurities don't overcome us. Because, she says, a psychopath is a chameleon who becomes "an image of what you haven't done for yourself." Over time, she says, "their appearance of perfection will begin to crack," but by that time you will have been emotionally and perhaps financially scathed. There comes a time when you realize there's no point in searching for answers; the only thing is to move on.
Taken in part from MW -- By Caroline Konrad -- September 1999
THE MALIGNANT PERSONALITY:
These people are mentally ill and extremely dangerous! The following precautions will help to protect you from the destructive acts of which they are capable.
First, to recognize them, keep the following guidelines in mind.
(1) They are habitual liars. They seem incapable of either knowing or telling the truth about anything.
(2) They are egotistical to the point of narcissism. They really believe they are set apart from the rest of humanity by some special grace.
(3) They scapegoat; they are incapable of either having the insight or willingness to accept responsibility for anything they do. Whatever the problem, it is always someone else's fault.
(4) They are remorselessly vindictive when thwarted or exposed.
(5) Genuine religious, moral, or other values play no part in their lives. They have no empathy for others and are capable of violence. Under older psychological terminology, they fall into the category of psychopath or sociopath, but unlike the typical psychopath, their behavior is masked by a superficial social facade.
If you have come into conflict with such a person or persons, do the following immediately!
(1) Notify your friends and relatives of what has happened.
Do not be vague. Name names, and specify dates and circumstances. Identify witnesses if possible and provide supporting documentation if any is available.
(2) Inform the police. The police will do nothing with this information except to keep it on file, since they are powerless to act until a crime has been committed. Unfortunately, that often is usually too late for the victim. Nevertheless, place the information in their hands.
Obviously, if you are assaulted or threatened before witnesses, you can get a restraining order, but those are palliative at best.
(3) Local law enforcement agencies are usually under pressure if wealthy or politically powerful individuals are involved, so include state and federal agencies as well and tell the locals that you have. In my own experience, one agency that can help in a pinch is the Criminal Investigation Division of the Internal Revenue Service or (in Canada) Victims Services at your local police unit. It is not easy to think of the IRS as a potential friend, but a Swedish study showed that malignant types (the Swedes called them bullies) usually commit some felony or other by the age of twenty. If the family is wealthy, the fact may never come to light, but many felonies involve tax evasion, and in such cases, the IRS is interested indeed. If large amounts of money are involved, the IRS may solve all your problems for you. For obvious reasons the Drug Enforcement Agency may also be an appropriate agency to approach. The FBI is an important agency to contact, because although the FBI does not have jurisdiction over murder or assault, if informed, they do have an active interest in any other law enforcement agencies that do not follow through with an honest investigation and prosecution should a murder occur. Civil rights are involved at that point. No local crooked lawyer, judge, or corrupt police official wants to be within a country mile if that comes to light! It is in such cases that wealthy psychopaths discover just how firm the "friends" they count on to cover up for them really are! Even some of the drug cartel biggies will scuttle for cover if someone picks up the brick their thugs hide under. Exposure is bad for business.
(4) Make sure that several of your friends have the information in the event something happens to you. That way, an appropriate investigation will follow if you are harmed. Don't tell other people who has the information, because then something bad could happen to them as well. Instruct friends to take such an incident to the newspapers and other media.
If you are dealing with someone who has considerable money, you must realize that they probably won't try to harm you themselves, they will contract with someone to make the hit. The malignant type is a coward and will not expose himself or herself to personal danger if he or she can avoid it.
Thanks again for the info...and good luck fishing...
Always,
Kat | |
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| When you find out he's not who he says he is!
Posted: 12/7/2007 5:48:43 AM | Thanks for posting all that Kat. I kind of think we need a warning sticky thread stuck somewhere on the forums. Especially since most people think it's only a male thing, and it can be either sex.
He lived a lie almost perfectly for 14 1/2 years. By the end of that time I had no self worth, although he told me a dozen times a day he loved me, and I was so physically ill my doctor thought I had less than 6 months to live. My ex had control over all my medications (no, I don't know how that happened. It's like a glacier, you don't see it move but you get crushed anyway) and was tampering with them, plus adding others, all the while snarfing down my pain pills, which I don't take often because, ironically, I'm afraid of getting addicted! He began acting so weird I thought he was either physically ill or having a mid-life crisis. I told him I was going to go back to taking care of my own medications. Two days later he was gone. Poof! Four days after I'd been handling my own meds, my daughter looked at me and told me I'd looked better than I had for years. As time went on we found more and more out about him. He has this Mr. Nice Guy image to keep up, that and control. He targets women who have health problems and then plays "oh so wonderful husband" and we are sooo grateful for him standing by us, and taking over the bills and...before you know it there is no you left. People still won't believe he is what he is, he spread horrible lies about me. Well, I wouldn't have believed it either, I was totally, madly in love with him until the day he dropped me. He sat there and told me lies...stupid ones, that this was just a trial separation...and something switched off. After you see the slug under the pretty shell, you can never go back!
There is a good site called LoveFraud, sponsored by some ladies who got caught by these guys, the case histories are facinating. | |
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| When you find out he's not who he says he is!
Posted: 12/11/2007 5:35:29 AM | Dear Wildflowerkitten,
I apologize for not replying to this sooner...I am truly sorry for your hurt and all the pain you endured for those 14 1/2 years...People can't really honestly understand unless they have been there and walked a mile in your shoes... His lies will eventually come to light and people will see him for the sorry SOB that he is...
My story was a little different...I didn't get married for true love for my ex or cause he took my breath away and I just couldn't live without him...I married to protect my son from his biological father whom on a out of state visitation ordered by the State of Texas brought my son back (age 16months at the time) with evidence of sexual abuse, malnutrition and neglect...(his visitation was for a week). Months before the visitation even happened I married my ex as my son's father was harrassing me that he had a more stable home for my son cause he had married and I was a single parent...Now mind you at 21 I was naive and scared to death with the thought that I might lose custodial rights of my son simply cause I was a single parent raising a child alone and he wasn't...The love I have for my son outweighed my reasonings on everything around me and I missed all the red flags...I never lost custodial rights to my son but, I spent the next 14+years in a personal hell for myself...I will say for all the hell that my ex put me thru he dearly loves my two teen-aged children that are not his biological children but has been in their lives since my son was six months old when we (myself with two children moved to Texas) My ex and I met in Tennessee and remained good friends when he moved back to Texas. I stayed in Tennessee not ready to leave all of my family behind to move to Texas...He and I kept in contact 2-3 times a week via phone and letters for two years before he flew down for a visit and we decided that it was time for us and he flew myself and the children to Texas to start life over together...I was given plenty of red flags(hindsight is 20/20) before I married him but at the time I was 1200 miles from all of my family, two small children in tow and felt trapped...I spent 14+yrs in hell being abused emotionally and physically... I have been down the same road as you have where I was so sickly and on more medication than the normal person would take in a a lifetime. I became suicidal within those 14+years as I felt at the time that I would had rather of taken my own life than have a man take it for me...Mind you at the time I was desparate for someone to step in and address the abuse that was taking place and yet no one ever did...Then at little over fours years ago I was stricken with breast cancer ( the first in my family ever to have it)...I found the lump over the weekend while working on a story and had a itch and even though my ex knew I had found a lump I went to the doctors office alone and then to have a mammogram alone... I was devastated when told the news that I had cancer and was devastated on how I was suppose to break the news to my family. Even though he paid the bills when I was unable to work due to the cancer and chemotherapy treatments that went from bad to worse he was not there emotionally there for me or my kids... I used to think that maybe cause he was just scared of losing me to the disease and having to be a single parent of three children (I did give him a baby girl prior to getting sick with cancer). He was remained emotional and physically abusive even when I took the treatments and had home health coming into my home to make sure I was still breathing each and everyday...My reasoning at the time for his behavior could only be construed that the stress was just too much for him to bear and having no where else to vent he took it out on me...The final straw came almost two years ago when he beat the hell out of me because I came home late from work and did not call saying I would be late...I was beat down and left for dead in my driveway...I was not breathing on my own when the rescue squads arrived at my home and was lifeflighted to a major trama center (my 5th helicopter ride in 14+yrs) where I spent 14days on life support and a month in the hospital... I spent that month in the hospital alone, no vistors, no apologies, no nothing... I could not remember any telephone numbers to my parents, my bosses or even my ex and children's cell numbers...I had a month to reflect on where my life was going and where I would end up if I didn't walk away from the marriage... I value life and all it has to offer me and for so long I played russian roulette with my life as I allowed a man to toy with my emotions and physically wear me down...Threats and Fear kept me in that situation for along time...Courage and Preservence helped me walk away...
People in general are quick to judge and say well I would never have taken that... I never thought I would have either but, until you are actually faced with a situation that puts you in the thick of it you never know what you will actually do...I rose against the hatred and abuse and came out the winner at a losers game...but not everyone is as lucky as I was...
I think that is why no white flag pissed me off so bad when I found out that everything he told me was lies and deceptive... I felt like I allowed another man to walk over me and treat me like shit and had I not learned enough over a 14+years span to spot a liar and abuser...Lies, deception and being belittled hurts I don't care who you are and how strong you think you are...it still hurts and it is sad that to some people that is all they know to do...
I wish you the best in all you do...you are a brave and strong woman and I commend you on having the courage to walk away..."After you see the slug under the pretty shell, you can never go back!" Lol...this is so true! By the way, I will check out that site LoveFraud...thank you for telling me about it...
Always,
Kat | |
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| When you find out he's not who he says he is!
Posted: 12/11/2007 6:26:53 AM | | I was suddenly and without warning "dismissed" 8 months ago from my 'partners' life. He and I were together 8 years. Less than a month after he married a woman that was currently involved in a 10 year relationship with another woman. I am amazed at how much I have learned about his true character (or lack thereof) now that he is gone. Just amazed at how much I refused to see...overlooked...made excuses for....I feel it to be close to a miracle to be free now of all his drama, insanity, crisis...his delusional view of himself and all HE deserves.....at the emotional, financial cost ALWAYS of others. | |
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| When you find out he's not who he says he is!
Posted: 12/11/2007 6:56:05 AM | | What beautiful, graphic imagery to explain what he is trying to do to her, indeed, that all people who try to control others are doing, be they lovers, bosses, dictators, or parents. | |
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| When you find out he's not who he says he is!
Posted: 12/11/2007 7:00:57 AM | I have empathy for anyone dupped by cunning people men or women. I am surprised that this thread didn't have alot of mean sprirtied self rightious belittlers who attact the op for her actions. Its alwasy the good persons fault never that bad guy. I come form a verbal and phycial abusive background and have studied it in great detail. I ed am seriously looking into becoming an abuse advocate and maybe even a speaker. Someone has to warn people about people like this. I was married to 2 of them. Then since dating I have come across alot of narsissitic people who also come close to fitting this catagory. Its a me me world and you have to be very careful to protect yourself from these type of people. I want to commend those that did not feel superior in lectureing the op. Everyone makes mistakes. Hopefully we learn from our mistakes. and in ending this I want to quote something that has stuck with me through the years. "Don't citisized people till you walked a mile in their shoes"
Ps i have been on pof a year and have dated or talked too over 100 men. Some were very inmature and not ready to date, others were more into themselves and didn't have time or interest in a relationship, some lied, some were perverts, some played games, some tried to take advantage of me, some fell inlove instantly, some were abusive, some were narsisistic, some were selfish, some were cheap, some were really bad kissers lol, some had no personality, some never grew up, some were very lazy, some are looking for a mommy, etc. you get the drift. Anyway out of a 100 men guess how many were worth dating or having a relationship with? zero. yes zero. Everyone had major hangups and was way beyond my help lol. I am not saying I am perfect but gosh its scary when you can't even find one in the hay stack.
My counselor told me something that I will never forget. She said every single humanbeing has mentle illness of somekind. Boy was that an eye opener. Its true. But the important thing is what do people do about it? Do they continue to be destructive to themselves and others or do they get help? I dealt with deperssion during my long tormenting abusive marriage. But now through counseling I am happier than I have ever been in my life. With or without a man. I love who I am and have learned a greart deal and continue to learn. Too bad people won't swallow their pride and admit we all have things that need tweaking. Some more than others. | |
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| When you find out he's not who he says he is!
Posted: 12/11/2007 3:51:08 PM | Irishblueyesstillcry,
I am sorry that you experienced this with your partner...there are no excuses in his behavior...Once a cheater always a cheater...He cheated on you with her and vise verser and he will cheat on her as well and maybe she will see it before it is too late...but chances are that he has her conned as well...Some men/women have the uncunning knack of screwing with others lives with no regard of how it will affect the others involved... Personally I do not undersatnd their realm of thinking cause the truth will always win out and their lies will catch up with them...Karma has a way of coming back to bite them in the a$$...I used to think I would love to be a fly on the wall when it catches up to them...but the fact is they do not deserve my time and effort to even watch them catch it...Just being free of all their bullshit lies and deception works for me and to be able to help others know they are not alone; that they have made the right decision to leave...Not all men and women are like the ones who have lied to us and hurt us... I have faith that there are good people still walking the face of the earth...I am thankful that you walked away despite all the hurt you have inside...It will get better and the fact is you are too good for him. One day he will look back and remember you and realize what a jacka$$ he was for lying to you and hurting you with his lies and delusional ways...If he ever tries to come back into your life don't let him in..tell him "Can't touch this"...lol You deserve a good man and you will find one just be patient and give it some time for the heart to heal...I wish you all the best life has to offer!!!!
Always,
Kat | |
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| When you find out he's not who he says he is!
Posted: 12/11/2007 4:14:31 PM | Dear LA567,
Thank you for your message...Unfortunately alot of men and women feel they have to control someone else to get what they want...I have found out that without the control they are powerless but sometimes we are blinded with wanting to believe in others and don't see what is happening... I don't think that most rational people go through life questioning each and everyone in our lives if they are being honest or not...do we really have the time to do that with everyone in our lives? If a co-worker or friend tells you something in confidence do you automatically doubt their word? If a child states to a teacher or adult that someone violated them it is the teacher/adults responsibility to inform the authories not doubt them regardless of anything else (ie. how they dress, who they associate with and etc.)...There are so many ways that people try to control others into getting what they want...It is hard enough trusting people in the world today but must we have to look over our shoulders every freakin day cause a handful of people want control others and have no concept of telling the truth and just being honest with who they are...What ever happened to loving one another and believing in one another??? Where did that evade our normal ways of thinking and just living??? Thanks again...
Always,
Kat | |
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| When you find out he's not who he says he is!
Posted: 12/11/2007 4:35:20 PM | Not so sure I haven't had dealings with this guy...can't divulge or we get kicked outta here..but...I didnt get the belittling, I got the lead ons...and dropped..lead ons and dropped...So I messaged him, said,,we have nothing in common, forget I exist.
E Z ENUFF
It is real easy for people not in this kind of situation to have the golden answers, but I believe,,have some compassion to anyone's pain....walk a mile...then be judgemental.
Bettin we got the same fish who deserves left on dry land, instead of being tossed back in. | |
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| When you find out he's not who he says he is!
Posted: 12/11/2007 4:49:42 PM | | WOW my friend just went threw some similar things and she was emotionally and physcially and verbally abused by a man from this site, that she meet and decided to stay with him in another state in pittsburgh pa,and i see he is back on the site looking for another woman, he didnt know she had friends from this site, he belittled her and he told her she was stupid when she opened her mouth, and to think before she spoke, he even hurt her physcially, and even tried to set her on fire and laughed about it, he kept her finacally unable to leave him, her car was broke down and she couldnt get home back to her home state, But alot of us kept in touch with her and made sure she was ok, and one night when he yelled at her for using too much faric softner, and not coming to the table to eat fast enough, because she fell asleep being sick from and infection and her diabetes was out of control, she stood up and said that is it, she had enough, called back home and beg for someone to come and get her,and he was abusive verbally till they came to get her, she told her friends please no drama, just help me, thank god she got out when she did, he was drinking and doing drugs and when he did that he was so abusive to her in many ways, sad thing is he doesnt see what he did as abuse, he controlled her and if she was late coming home from work he got upset and angry, checked on her by leaving his job and coming home to see if she was there, he even said he was upset because she took two dollars of luchmeat when she left, and she paid for it and needed it to drive home, so if her sugar dropped she wouldnt pass out, how sick can people get, he even said he cooked for her and she didnt get to the table quick enough for him.. ughhhh makes me think he is a manipulative control freak.... that poor woman tho is now home in her state and after spending two days in the hospital is safe now...Her only thing to say was to pray for this man and she forgives him , but will never forget what has happend, she is so sweet and kind too all, I thank God she is ok... and I thank God all whom have endured abuse are ok too, my heart goes out too all of you.... | |
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| When you find out he's not who he says he is!
Posted: 12/11/2007 4:55:12 PM | You have to move on and don't think about his problem anymore.
Hey, we could figure out his name and all of us collectively ask him who he is.
Really just go into our plentyoffish stock and catch more.
You are too good for him. We all care about you lots. Good luck...... allasma  | |
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| When you find out he's not who he says he is!
Posted: 12/11/2007 5:03:17 PM | 4infinity,
If you re-read your original post again, hopefully you'll see that this guy has some serious problems. It's not you. And it has nothing to do with other men.
Stop focusing on what this moron said to you and then spend NO MORE time beating yourself up over his warped view of you. He's a liar and an abuser (at least verbally) and has a history of it. Knowing that and still doing personal inventory on yourself because of the things he said to you? Pffft. Stop it. You're better than that.
I'm not saying not to hurt. Of course it hurts. It's the end of a relationship. But your original post bothered me because it could've stopped with you saying he was lying, talking down to you or mistreating you. That you felt the need to continue on (in the post) and defend yourself and who you are really showed how much damage he's done to you.
The title of your original post was , "When you find out he's not who he says he is." Hey, thank GOD (literally) that you found out. You can't see it now, but the fact that this "relationship" didn't last any longer than it did is a huge gift.
Best of luck to you. | |
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| When you find out he's not who he says he is!
Posted: 12/11/2007 5:21:21 PM | Dear SOFTNSNUGGLY,
"Don't crititize others till you walk a mile in their shoes"...this is a awesome quote and we all should remember it for what it really means...True we all make mistakes and learning from them is a key point of survival per say...I have been on multiple dating sites in the past 8 months and started this one in October of this year... I have met some of the same ones you described, but I have also met some wonderful men that remain friends of mine to this day...
I do not doubt what your counselor said is true... I agree that everyone does have some sort of mental illness. The biggest problem is that many people think that having a mental illness makes you weak or socially unaccepted...I have been diagnosed with BiPolar disorder for over 10 years now and the medication I take regulates the serontin levels in my brain to stabilize my BiPolar... I have always been open and honest with the men I have dated that I do have BiPolar disorder and some men can handle it and some can't...For those who judged me for what society says about this disorder and what they have simply heard about it is their loss in not knowing me...For those who accepted me for who I am and then ridiculed me when they couldn't control me it is their loss...For those and there are a few that accepted me for who I am and have been a true friend and never passed judgement on me... I am very grateful... I learned a long time ago that in order to succeed in life I had to let go and swallow my pride...I really think that is a big issue with both men and women in today's time. Some people are so stuck on themselves and have too much pride to admit that he/she is wrong about anything in life whether it has to do with mental health issues or regarding the simplest of everyday things...
As far as being a advocate for the abused and speaking out about it...I stand beside you 100%... I have spoke out about it and having cancer as well...One person can make a difference and many people banning together can make a bigger one... That is one reason my writing is so important to me as my number one goal in life is to make a difference in the world today helping others learn how to walk away with their lives in tact and I say people because we all know that abuse happens to both men and women...Abuse is not prejudice to one gender, age or race...
I am sorry that you had to experience the verbal and physical abuse growing up and unfortunately it set you up for the marriages from hell...I know where you are coming from in this resepct as I was verbally abused by my father as a child and I could never seem to do anything right in his eyes...Just the same in my marriage...I could never please my ex-husband no matter how in vain I tried to make him happy...But I had to learn the hard way that you can't make someone else happy that doesn't want to be happy! I took the long, hard road to come to the realization that not everything I did was wrong and my fault even though I had it drilled in me that it was...Breaking the abuse cycle is hard to do but well worth the rewards that you reap in the end... I to have spent many years in counseling and I have learned alot but most of all I have learned that we all make mistakes and how we choose to deal with them is what makes up our character and who we are as individuals...
A dear friend of mine sent the following quote to me...and it is something we should all remember:
Watch your thoughts; they become words
Watch your words; they become actions
Watch your actions; they become habits
Watch your habits; they become character
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny!
*One of the many favorites I have is the following:
Kindness in words
Creates confidence,
Kindness in thinking
Creates profoundness,
Kindness in giving
Creates LOVE.
Thank you so much for opening up and sharing your story and for wanting to make a difference...If the world had more people that cared about making a difference it would be such a better place to live...
Always,
Kat
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| When you find out he's not who he says he is!
Posted: 12/11/2007 7:25:51 PM | 4infinity07:
Thank you very much for your compassionate words to me. It helps to know someone can understand...the destruction it caused my heart...healing is slow.....when I love, it is LOVE...and to have that misused and mistaken for weakness and stupidity is devastating to ones view of ones self worth...to be so suddenly 'devalued' after so much energy and loyalty to another....I am very sentimental...and those 'special times' those 'magical times' have also been devalued and proven to all be illusion, delusional..and smoke and mirrors. He showed his true self..and what I finally saw...was just to ugly to painful to accept all at once...it took months...and still I have moments of great sadness...that I could have been so wrong for so long.....I miss someone that was never real, I miss moments in time...that were as I said...as phony and fake as he was....how very sad to have all of the moments of the 8 years stolen from me...trashed, in the blink of an eye....he has moved very quickly into another life...and his games now continue with another unsuspecting fool. One day, perhaps he will be in great need of the kind of love I am capable of...and he will sadly and with great regret...remember me. | |
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| When you find out he's not who he says he is!
Posted: 12/11/2007 7:42:08 PM | | Usually, the one who disregards others is one who finds themselves deeeply in love with one who also degrades them, strips them of their sense of well being...it is karma..what goes around comes around..its a life energy. Be it good or bad. | |
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