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| Can an Angel With a Broken Wing Ever Fly?
Posted: 11/12/2007 9:18:24 PM | To: Sock's Wingmen
From: Sock
Don't worry guys. You go on without me, and you can tell me all about it later over a bucket 'o wings and breskis at Hooters.
To: Poodle Central
From: Sock
Don't worry, ladies. There is plenty of Sock to go 'round. | |
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| Can an Angel With a Broken Wing Ever Fly?
Posted: 11/12/2007 9:57:11 PM | This has been very thought provoking... and I've lurked, and thought, and hesitated and now... well here goes nothing.
I don't think anybody - male or female - wants to feel like they need to be rescued.
Its a blow to ones ego, self esteem and creates huge control issues, in my opinion.
Creating a need that the person you're dating is broken and should be fixed is actually an unresolved issue within the Fixer, not the Fixee. Many of us have a very insecure need to be needed (I'm raising my hand)
We're all still a work in progress, sometimes a recovering one to boot and an at this point in time result of the people and places and experiences that have touched our lives thusfar... some of us get further than others before being scathed and thereby "broken" (be it heart, ego, spirit, finances... or wing) Ever seen an injured bird? It still struggles to fly because it's innate, second nature and quite often it will fight the gentle hand that tries to seemingly tame it in the process of nurturing it back to health... emotionally or spiritually caging, if you will.
Seems to me that when we find someone we can connect with the point is to learn - in time - to present ourselves honestly and openly, which constitutes that dreaded arena of vulnerability we've all learned to avoid. Thus you sidestep an aspect of intimacy which is the necessary glue to any succesful relationship.
Yet in the meantime, we should really be trying to bring out the best in each other without going so far as to mold and change another into someone they arent. Though people will generally rise to the occasion when given the opportunity to do so, when supported in a belief system that even if they fall a little short, its a success.
If you don't feel like you compliment each other (as in PB&J, chips & salsa, fish n' chips...) or feel shortchanged, like the giving/receiving scales are way outta balance, then first of all you need to speak your peace (yes, peace not piece) and weigh it all out seeking a balance. The point is for each to want to be half of a better whole, knowing that the scales do teeter upon occasion. When the balance illudes you, it becomes time to weigh out what has been vested vs what has been gained.
Feel like I just talked myself into a circle and my head hurts.... and don't think I really voiced the point I intended. | |
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| Can an Angel With a Broken Wing Ever Fly?
Posted: 11/12/2007 11:54:21 PM | Well, Dazzlemee, I'm dazzled! Very nicely said and sweetly too.
Not a hint of bitterness, and that's saying something! That's quite a heart you've got there, my dear!   | |
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| Can an Angel With a Broken Wing Ever Fly?
Posted: 11/13/2007 12:15:16 AM | Great post, dazzle!
But I just reread the OP, and came upon this:
I fancy the life of the party types, but only to later find out that their exuberant personalities are not the result of having all of their stuff together. These are women that are running scared, without the deeply innate confidence and quiet optimism that comes with self-acceptance. They channel their energy outward and thus are very popular as others are seduced and impressed by how dynamic they appear to be
Once again, I have to throw a little reality check on the party here. There are some people that are the "life of the party" simply because they are fun and confident and smart and/or deal really well with parties. I find this quote to be dangerously close to the overly-abundant posts that equate being good-looking to being shallow or somehow less-worthy of respect.
Sock- be careful not to assume that just because a woman seems comfortable with who she is that it automatically means she needs to be fixed. Many of us have fought our whole lives to get to that place where we finally DON'T need to be fixed. | |
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| Can an Angel With a Broken Wing Ever Fly?
Posted: 11/13/2007 12:56:01 AM | Cooky:
I was talking being attracted to the life of the party types, but the balance of what I said relates to specific persons, and certainly not ALL life of the party types. Otherwise, I wouldn't be interested at any point along the line in someone who was fun and high-spirited, but obviously un-together during the initial first impressions. I wish I had said it differently, but I said a whole lot during that post and not all of it was articulate enough. My bad.
Ah, the limitations of text only and delayed communication... | |
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| Can an Angel With a Broken Wing Ever Fly?
Posted: 11/13/2007 6:04:56 AM | They channel their energy outward and thus are very popular as others are seduced and impressed by how dynamic they appear to be
Being the "life of the party" can of course be an act. We all have coping methods for all kinds of negative aspects of our lives, but that doesn't necessarily make it bad.
I've been considered the "life of the party", but that is just one aspect of my personality. I'm a complex human being, as we all are, with all of the highs and lows inherent to being an adult.
Character is the determining factor of whether these coping methods are a negative force or just an outlet which hurts no one. Especially the one you love. | |
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marcob
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Joined: 10/4/2007
Msg: 62 | |
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| Can an Angel With a Broken Wing Ever Fly?
Posted: 11/13/2007 8:50:14 PM |
I don't think anybody - male or female - wants to feel like they need to be rescued. Its a blow to ones ego, self esteem and creates huge control issues, in my opinion.
But isn’t low self-esteem usually the main reason that is preventing the repair of the broken wing? And as for creating a control issue: Who would be trying to control who? In my experience, the rescuer is the one who is being controlled—whether it’s due to the angel cleverly using the injury as bait to keep the rescuer’s attentions, or the rescuer is simply somewhat naïve and is barking up the wrong tree.
Creating a need that the person you're dating is broken and should be fixed is actually an unresolved issue within the Fixer, not the Fixee. Many of us have a very insecure need to be needed (I'm raising my hand)
When I see an angel with a broken wing, I am not just dreaming it up—it’s there all right, otherwise I would not have noticed it (… and thus been attracted to fixing it). * Okay, saying what I said in the parentheses was difficult to admit. So, props to me for being willing to embarrass myself in front of myself and forum spectators (those poor innocent bystanders... But I know they can't take their eyes off this train wreck of a thread). *
And I for one, do not have a particular need to be needed, but I am needy in that I enjoy being perceived as some sort of Rock of Gibraltar. I suppose that’s actually approval-seeking and collecting "you're my hero" statements like its a hobby.
(Then there's: "What would I do without you?", and, "I wish I could handle things as cool and calm as you do". And who can forget that all time classic, "You're my knight in shining armor!". Collect the whole set and you'll really have come save the day!)
But I am debugging my faulty programming these days, and am so getting over it… | |
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| Can an Angel With a Broken Wing Ever Fly?
Posted: 11/13/2007 8:57:44 PM | | Hello. My name is o4, and I'm also at this meeting because I'm a fixer. It started out small. Just helping other kids in elementary school find their way to the nurses office when they fell off the swings on the playground. But it grew. By High School I tried to hide it under a guise of doing community service for the needy, but deep inside I knew. I just had to fix things. After getting out from serving my term for trying to impersonate a candy stripper at the local hospital (but I did look great in that red checked dress!), I ended up trying to help out at the pound. I figured that helping wayward animals was better than getting all caught up with yet another HUMAN fixee. .....I guess I had to come to this meeting tonight as part of the settlement from that little incident with Richard Simmons on Jerry's show. But I'm glad it happened, after all, that's what it took to get me here, right? ........Well, it was all a mistake, and I'm here to band together with you other fixers to go forth and fix no more. Thank you for having me... | |
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| Can an Angel With a Broken Wing Ever Fly?
Posted: 11/20/2007 6:06:39 AM | | I can get my "rescuer fix" at work. I enjoy being known as the go-to person to get things done. Putting out the proverbial fires and making decisions give me the same high as being a relationship rescurer (I'm not half as successful at that). I see my work as a more positive outlet for my Hero fantasies. Tangible and Real. | |
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| Can an Angel With a Broken Wing Ever Fly?
Posted: 11/20/2007 8:13:27 PM | Sock,
Life after fixin up others is truly glorious. Take it from one who knows.
There's so much energy left! So much fun to have!
There are plenty of professionals whose mission it is to fix broken wings - you don't have to volunteer on your own time.
Besides, in a personal relationship, if one is the fixer and the other the fixee, you never quite get on an even keel. The nice fixer is always a little one-up.
Find yourself some horses to hang out with, darlin...they'll teach ya lots.
hugs,
~Boots~ | |
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| Can an Angel With a Broken Wing Ever Fly?
Posted: 11/20/2007 8:58:05 PM | Boots
I agree with you that being the calvary charging over the hill to save the day doesn't pay very well as a volunteer. As you stated, it's best to leave that to the professionals (at $150 dayum dollars per hour). But I disagree that in a personal relationship, the Fixer is one up on the Fixee. The Fixee has the control and the power, not only over the Fixer (who just can't help being a fixer), but they choose to be a Fixee soon after learning that there are a lot of Fixers out there that are willing to play that role, thus willing to heap lots of attention on the victim/Fixee.
It is the Fixee who controls the entire dynamic of the fixer/fixee relationship. The distinction is that the Fixer is a slave to their role AND a slave to the Fixee (because the Fixer subconsciously gets off on being a hero/caregiver/nice guy), while the Fixee gets some rare and much-needed self-esteem boost from being able to control SOMETHING in their life, in this case, the Fixee. (The biting of the hand that feeds.)
What would best solve the equation is that the Fixer begins fixing only the Fixable, and that the Fixees begin fixing themselves, or allow themselves being fixed. Then, both parties could shed their less-than-ideal roles and view each other as equals that don't "need" each other, but simply "want" each other.
(Oh, look at the time... I'm fixin' to see you at Group on Friday...) | |
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| Can an Angel With a Broken Wing Ever Fly?
Posted: 11/20/2007 9:07:07 PM | What would best solve the equation is that the Fixer begins fixing only the Fixable, and that the Fixees begin fixing themselves, or allow themselves being fixed. Then, both parties could shed their less-than-ideal roles and view each other as equals that don't "need" each other, but simply "want" each other.
....or....even more drastic....try things out with someone who doesn't need any fixing.
...or....might there be a teeny tiny addiction drawing you to ones in need of "repair"?
(Oh, look at the time... I'm fixin' to see you at Group on Friday...)
Right!
~Boots~ | |
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| Can an Angel With a Broken Wing Ever Fly?
Posted: 11/20/2007 9:07:23 PM | | Sock, it seems to me you know what changes you need to make in order to have a healthy relationship - sounds like you just need to implement them. | |
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| Can an Angel With a Broken Wing Ever Fly?
Posted: 11/20/2007 9:51:36 PM |
Fixer begins fixing only the Fixable, and that the Fixees begin fixing themselves, or allow themselves being fixed
Sock, you need to be fixed.....hard. | |
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| Can an Angel With a Broken Wing Ever Fly?
Posted: 11/20/2007 10:33:55 PM | ^ I need to be fixed??? I think the last 3 posts helped accomplish that.
( * Overhead at Group on Friday... * )
Sock: "Hi, my name is Sock, and I'm a Recovering Fixer."
Group: "Hi Sock!"
Sock: "Hi everyone. Thanks for the warm greetings, but I am SO not a Fixer anymore, so this is my last meeting with you, and since Dr. Phil and happy hour both start in twenty minutes, I gotta go so bye now...
Oh yeah, just one more thing... Let's all promise not to promise ourselves or our dates anything predictable until we get comfortable with being who we are without neediness or needfulness.
And I'm gonna miss Group Fridays...
(... Not really...) | |
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| Can an Angel With a Broken Wing Ever Fly?
Posted: 11/21/2007 11:22:30 AM |
What would best solve the equation is that the Fixer begins fixing only the Fixable, and that the Fixees begin fixing themselves, or allow themselves being fixed. Then, both parties could shed their less-than-ideal roles and view each other as equals that don't "need" each other, but simply "want" each other. Ummm, why does a fixer have to fix anything? Why can't a fixee just remain partially broken and have the fixer accept the merchandise as it is?
This whole codependent party is getting to me. Codependents need each other to survive, unless they both decide to fix the problem. The dependent, heretofore referred to as the fixee... may have whatever emotional, physical, financial crapola, or addictions they cannot cope with. The codependent (the fixer) party exhibits a behaviour which pities, controls, makes excuses for, and eventually begins to perpetuate the obviously needy fixee's condition, because they have a desire to be needed and changing the relationship would upset the apple cart. Every so often they get sick of it and explode. There is no seat of power in the dynamic, but for that which each person believes they have.
I am pretty much aware by this point, that you can't fix anyone or change anyone without their tacit permission to do so. It's a complete and utter waste of time. I am not going to pitch someone out who is obviously hurting, like a broken VCR, if they are willing to work on things, but neither am I going to sit still for someone who continues wallowing in self destructive behaviour, wearing it with pride like a new party dress.
In any relationship that is formed on a bond of unconditional love, you need to decide if those nutty things that bother you, irritate you to the point where you cannot live with or love that person. You have to make a conscious decision to overlook things, because no one is perfect. I personally find some degree neuroses quite adorable.
There are a lot of people that I love, despite their problems, because the sum of the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. | |
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