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| Can an Angel With a Broken Wing Ever Fly?
Posted: 11/21/2007 2:27:56 PM | ::tilts an eyebrow:: The total of the whole is greater than the sum of it's parts, your background in programming betrays you there Momi.... ::winks::
Now where was I? Oh yes, rising from the figurative grave of secondary infection (I managed to work myself up to pneumonia go stupidity) to comment a little, now that I am relatively back on my feet.
The baseline difference that needs to be looked at is the seperation between need and want.
Needing to have someone in your life is ultimately going to lead to codependant behavior, and unfortunately, no one really wants that. (except a few notably nutty types, or those that have not grown enough to be able to see the problem). Ultimately everyone wants to feel wanted. And failing that, being needed is good enough for the subconcious mind.
It's that pesky higher thinking portion of the brain that gets in the way.
If you find that you *need* a person/thing that is a dependancy, and that means that person/thing has to carry a load of responsibility for you, because without that item/person, you are helpless.
In essence it becomes a crutch.
The biggest lesson to learn is acceptance, and the foregone conclusion that the only change comes entirely from within, if you are not willing to accept the totality of the person as they are, then you are dooming yourself to failure in the door.
Just my .02
--Serenity | |
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| Can an Angel With a Broken Wing Ever Fly?
Posted: 11/30/2007 6:33:21 AM | You happen to have found an expert on the topic, Sock man (just look at my name )...  <---see
Do the Angels with broken wings eventually run from rescue once they realize that becoming “fixed” is uncharted territory that produces its own set of fears? Or is the fear more immediate, since identifying issues and “fixing” their aftermath is painful work with no guarantee of success. Or is their self-esteem so damaged that they accept that damage and have come to believe that they deserve it so they keep holding on to it?
Could it be an inner insecurity inside of you that would cause you to seek what is broken rather than fully winged? The variable of 'feeling beneficial' beyond the 'normal' -- (i.e. hey you want some help with that refrigerator you are trying to move yourself lady...okay a bit dramatized for the hoped effect of laughter...but beyond the normal--'serve me, worship me and your mine,' man...whoops that was not what I was after either [women applaud silently]. You get the picture I'm sure...beyond **just being yourself and this being 'enough' **(no bells and whistles).
And as for my role as a rescuer, I'm simply a nice guy, and I had a very happy childhood raised by loving, gentle parents that I thought allows me to share strength and easily give support. But I’m beginning to believe that what I feel for them is just as much empathy as it is sympathy… Deep down, do I unknowingly identify with them, but focus my corrective efforts on their problems and not on mine? Perhaps my altruism is really just avoidance behavior that I am exhibiting right along side theirs.
Addressed above.
How then to help an Angel with a broken wing to fly someday, and to help a helper to look out for Number One first (so fighting someone else’s battles won’t risk ending up with two casualties)?
Okay here I am...here is my broken wing. [I see the tabloids zooming in on me now]...does she run...or fess up? Will she loose all 29 men who chose her as a favorite? The tension mounts...which direction with Sariangel turn says the inquiring minds brave enough to read her run on sentences and poor use of grammar?  or 
I was committed to a man for at least 7 years that didn't even know my favorite color and who habitually sent flowers to me, but didn't know it was not really my preference in acknowledgement or gifts (unless at work so all those I work with can awe and oow with jealousy). So why do people kill perfectly healthy plant life in its prime just to watch them die on a shelf in 3-12 days]? Not to mention the cost associated with this murderous act and the sadness associated with watching rose death for an averge of a week. Understandable the tradition originated back when showers were not available and the fragrance was a desirable addition to the stinky lives lived back in the days before modern plumbing...but I digress...
I have this seemingly uncurable mourning over my dad's early death about 5 years ago and have spent tireless days preserving all of his things that most women rarely touch in their life time (yes I'm talking about diesel mechanic tools--you guessed right). I even saved his bolt collection (if anyone has a screw loose -- don't contact me though ).
So where was I...ah, yes fixing my broken wing. I haven't dated for some time due to my excuse: I'm too busy (what could be the hidden message there**wink**)...and it's no lie as I am the care taker of tools.
So there you have it. Now can you teach me to fly?
Want more seriousness from me? Okay. This is a poem my dad wrote for me before his death (I didn't create this on the whim of seeing your thread. This is a true poem he wrote for me [minus any typos that I might include :-p]):
Broken winged Seagull
I once soared high above with beauty and grace,
loving life as it is, without garland or lace,
going at will, hither and yon,
to one place or another and points beyond,
I see the others soaring above to places that may have been,
floating in the air with movements of beauty and grace,
now I stay on the ground with movements so clumsy,
not able to soar to a given whimsy.
Each morning I wake so happy to be alive,
and to be able to walk with my clumsy movements,
only to dream of the days,
when I used to soar above with movements of beauty and grace.
Now I thank the one who appeared before me,
bringing food for all with grace and beauty,
for I received food along with the rest,
I, the one with the clumsy movements.
I am eternally grateful that this one knew and cared,
that I too should live, the one with the clumsy movements,
for on that day, I, too soared high in the air,
with movements of grace and beauty.
I read this poem at my dad's funeral. He wrote this poem for me when I returned home from a date in tears (yippers with the man of 7 years). The man was angry that I wanted to feed a seagull that I spotted that had a broken wing -- during our outing. To serve my ex justice--it was an aweful long walk to a restaurant and the food purchased for the sea gull was expensive (at Pt. Loma).
Resuer sock meet rescuer Sari [which is not my name btw].
My best advice: One day you will find someone that is grateful and who will not run away.
I on the other hand should receive awards for my running abilities.  | |
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| Can an Angel With a Broken Wing Ever Fly?
Posted: 9/2/2008 10:38:31 AM | Interesting thread that goes to perhaps addressing the conflicting male/female roles of modern times and not strictly an "individual" character trait.
Allen Bloom, author of "The Closing of the American Mind", postulates (if memory serves me correctly, for I read it years ago) that the male is primed to be the protectorate/helper of the female and whether woman like it or not, "rescuing" is a powerful incentive for a man. Or, as a Russian history professor once told me "empires are like men, they vant to dominate".
Then there are the noted therapists Pincus & Dare who state that "most of us have a "tendency to get involved in repetitive patterns of relationships". Psychologically speaking, it fits our internal roadmap for whatever reason.... it's comfortable, it feels right.
Maybe we are hoping to surmount a past relationship failure in the present one.... ie, this time we will succeed, and until we get it right, we keep seeking out the same circumstances. Simply said, practice makes perfect, so we keep practicing the same old familiar role, hoping for a different outcome next time around.
With that said, wounded angels don't generally stay wounded permanently..... when the wound heals, the bandage comes off or the crutches discarded. That's the way it should be. One should not be permanently in need of rescuing.
Then there is the issue of power in a relationship, who holds it, who wields it. Being "wounded" in itself can be motivated by a quest for power in that it elicits responses from the "other". Dependence, Independence, and Interdependence......various aspects of each penetrate relationships. I like to have all three in mine, contingent upon circumstances, and don't want one to define the relationship.
While I want to share the burdens of life sometime, I don't want someone to assume them for me. There's a certain amount of gratification and sense of achievement in overcoming and resolving life's difficulties, but I recognize it's not everyone's cup of tea. Autonomy comes with a very high price tag.
With that said, will anyone send me their tent when my ARM adjusts next month? I'm not asking for rescuing, just a "sharing of the resources". | |
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| Can an Angel With a Broken Wing Ever Fly?
Posted: 9/9/2008 12:08:20 AM | ^
… the male is primed to be the protectorate/helper of the female and whether woman like it or not, "rescuing" is a powerful incentive for a man. Or, as a Russian history professor once told me "empires are like men, they vant to dominate". I can understand that a Russian history professor might default to perceiving dominance when examining a situation, but I disagree that men want to dominate. Any truly adult man (or woman) who wants to dominate a relationship is simply insecure and will remain so until he or she learns how to become a partner. However, a minor imbalance of power in a relationship is natural, and even efficient. I do agree that men are primed and hard-wired to be protectors.
… wounded angels don't generally stay wounded permanently..... when the wound heals, the bandage comes off or the crutches discarded. That's the way it should be. One should not be permanently in need of rescuing. I believe that a person with depth of character never completely heals from a wound, and that their wounds leave scars. But a person who practices personal growth will not let their scars prevent them from once again taking the risk of getting hurt when trying to find love, but will use them as reminders to only assume reasonable and manageable risks. The problem is that some broken-wing angels remain in that role indefinitely, and some rescuers maintain the role as rescuer indefinitely. The onus is on the rescuer to break up these static, chronic relationships that serve no contributory purpose for either party in the long run.
Dependence, Independence, and Interdependence......various aspects of each penetrate relationships. I like to have all three in mine, contingent upon circumstances, and don't want one to define the relationship. Wouldn’t interdependence be the only and ideal element needed out of those three to produce a balanced and working relationship?
While I want to share the burdens of life sometime, I don't want someone to assume them for me. There's a certain amount of gratification and sense of achievement in overcoming and resolving life's difficulties, but I recognize it's not everyone's cup of tea. Autonomy comes with a very high price tag. Wise words, and even though autonomy comes with a high price, it is worth it.
But a relationship that is too imbalanced due to one party’s dominance or over-dependence extracts an even higher price for both. Isn't it a balancing act, and quite a high wire we tread. | |
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| Can an Angel With a Broken Wing Ever Fly?
Posted: 9/9/2008 9:42:00 PM | Socks my friend, you've stuck yours out about a mile, I guess I can put mine out too
This is a bit off your original, but is evidently viewed by some to need healing. I'm a widower, and you know, that hurt. In fact it blew apart everything I ever thought was.
There've been a lot of friends along the way that contributed to keeping me semi sane (that's as good as it gets ;-). An example, several made sure that I had something alive in the house. They knew I wouldn't let plants die and sent live ones. It was done just to keep me moving, doing something, and it worked.
There's been several that thought they could heal me. Without the experience, you can't understand the experience. How can you heal what you can't understand? I've not healed unless I did it myself.
The ones that really helped distracted me, broke me out of a tight spiral, let me get a grip again, then left me alone. The ones that tried to heal me, smothered me.
If someone's willing to heal it wont be hard to see. They'll be working on it already. Best you can do is to unstick them when they get stuck, then stop helping, let them work. If they're not working on themselves, run.
Yes there's scars, they're honorable wounds. Personal risk? Would I try another partnership? F*cking A right I would. I can't be hurt that bad again, anything else is lightweight.
(I don't know about the hug thing buddy, but beers are always therapeutic. ;-) | |
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| Can an Angel With a Broken Wing Ever Fly?
Posted: 9/10/2008 12:44:41 AM | Dofiagle
Wow. By sharing that, you have unwittingly revealed that you are indeed a Real Man, and I highly respect you for it.
I have posted in this thread as a rescuer and not as the wounded, but I’ve been both, and at the same time. I agree that nobody can relate to your type of loss unless they have suffered it too, and that their advice as to what is best for you is more well-intended than it is actually helpful.
I learned that from my then wife’s close friend whose son had on-going mental illness problems. I was at the institution one day when she came to visit my wife who had developed mental illness, too. And I asked her why she wasn’t more forceful with me and other family friends to try to make us understand the gravity of the situation she was dealing with when her son would go through his episodes. I now understood the frozen white horror of seeing someone you are very much in love with being wrapped in straightjackets and medicated to the point of zombie behavior punctuated by sudden irrational outbursts, court hearings to plan for eventual legal conservatorship, more appearances before judges to authorize electroshock treatments, trying to hide the tears when conversing with your loved one who is babbling in a bizarre manner, and other surreal sights in a mental ward that are simply indescribable.
My wife’s friend looked at me and said that until now--now that I was going through it, if she had tried to tell me what it was like to endure it, I would have thought I understood when in reality… A moment later we both sat for a very long time wrapped in silence, each others arms, and tears. Our tears were tears of deep empathy and mutual knowing, her tears were from my wife’s problems making her re-live the nightmare of her son’s problems, and my tears were for a feeling of hopelessness, fear that my wife would always be locked up and never enjoy life again, and fear that her very sweet 12 year old daughter just lost her mother, and fear that I did too. My wife was the victim, but me, her daughter, and her friends had become victims too.
One night, my wife’s boss came to the hospital for a visit. He and I sat in a cafeteria after his ”visit” with her. He was victimized and shaken since she was nothing resembling the woman that he knew. I tried to make him feel better by reassuring him that the doctor’s were optimistic (they were not) and she will eventually be fine and back to work. He said this night was making his guilt unbearable, and he told me that they had been having an affair for months. All I could do was sit and blink as the news instantaneously jolted me from rescuing him to being victimized by his (and her) behavior. I quietly said that we can all deal with that later, as her recovery is the only important thing at this point in time. He and I sat for at least another hour, and I promised not to tell his wife or the other employees and focused the discussion on what he and I could do as damage control on her successful sales career in anticipation of her getting well some day. (I remember thinking simultaneously that, the bombs just keep falling from the sky, and that I am a big man to set aside all issues other than her getting better, and that I am some kind of dam*n fool to be siting here right now. You are trying to help while you need some help too.)
The point in all of this is that one person’s wound can replicate itself like a virus and spill over into the lives of many other persons, including the rescuers or those trying to help the wounded heal. Cause and effect: One wound can beget many victims, even those who are only in the equation to try to help--like firemen who get hurt while they are acting as rescuers.
Dofiagle makes a great point when he says that a rescuer can best help by not rescuing, but by providing gentle, timely nudges of encouragement while the wounded actually does the healing work.
The problems arise when the wounded person is not trying to heal, and the rescuer ends up going to the victim role by ill-advised attempts to help someone who doesn’t want that help (whether they realize it or not) or will never benefit from it for whatever reason. (Um, the rescuer to victim role stars moi… but I’m learning…)
Since a wound can replicate and spread, and given the duality of all things in the Universe, the ying and yang--so can a well-placed helping hand. Let's show the love whenever we can so it too will spread and diminish the many wounds in this world.
Dofi… Let's do the chugs and suds therapy--it's a wonderful prescription. * hic * | |
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| Can an Angel With a Broken Wing Ever Fly?
Posted: 9/10/2008 9:40:58 AM |
The ones that really helped distracted me, broke me out of a tight spiral, let me get a grip again, then left me alone. The ones that tried to heal me, smothered me.
If someone's willing to heal it wont be hard to see. They'll be working on it already.
(Quite impressive and I'd agree). With my own mourning those who didn't 'point out' I was a basket case versus allowing me to go through what it was I had to ... helped me gain strength moreso than anyone else. There is a time for everything in life (<--just ask the byrds :-p <--the song turn, turn taken from the Bible actually).
The most horrendous of feelings is probably not feeling the need to heal another we believe is broken...but feeling 'broken' ourselves [<--feeling 'helpless' would qualify in this scenerio].
Our perceptions of another as being inadequate or wounded in fact might do more to lend to the problem -- than help it. We are all wounded in some form of another with blind spots we all fail to see. Just loving the person despite their missing foot or fingers [as Sockpuppet brings out in other words at the end of his post] is one of the greatest healing methods around.
Restoration should be sought out versus scarring, imo. We really can return to a non-viral state if the medication taken is as great a conquerer as love. The reality is presently all things end and cease to exist in time...including us (yet, excluding fashion which seems to re-invent itself. :-p). So our legacy left behind of simply 'caring' is usually greater than the actually money left to medical science.
Recently my Mom was diagnosed with cancer. Taking this scenerio into consideration...I can't heal my Mom -- I can only love her. I'd give my own life for her -- but it will not change her condition. The same is true of other illnesses that would include broken hearts and emotional difficulties or life's trials we all endure. We will always suffer for those we love, but this is not a viral infection...but love itself and it is cured with love (a functional versus disfunctional cycle).
Hugs to the men who shared in this thread (whoops sorry -- I mean chug, chug:  ).
Confusious say: those of us who jump over tall buildings for others not ready for the leap-- usually end up with sore feet. **sigh | |
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| Can an Angel With a Broken Wing Ever Fly?
Posted: 9/10/2008 10:05:39 AM | Sock Puppeteer, I changed my mind, I'd like that hug.
I'd heard that the phoenix rises from it's ashes. I know what those ashes are now. They're the ashes of it's broken dreams.
You know I love a twist to things. Here's one I wasn't expecting. Your last post almost looks like someone kicked your butt, knocked you out of a bad spiral, and let you get a grip again.
Come outta your cave and play, the pain can never be as bad again. The bewilderment wont be there. You've survived the worst. You know how to survive. Come on in, the water's fine!
(Some of them wimmen are skinny dippin', c'mon lets steal their clothes! Think we could get some beers n sammiches for ransom? ) | |
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| Can an Angel With a Broken Wing Ever Fly?
Posted: 9/10/2008 10:35:10 AM | ^^Hey no fair stealing our clothes [although as stated above--fashion always re-invents itself]. ;-p
Men hugging? **goes and re-studies man law to look for exceptions...and gets bored with studying. Catching myself from nodding off going through the one page of codified law...yet overly distracted by nude men...she merely asks...
but are there sharks in the water?
****************************************************************************
Not to embarass the men I am admiring for 'bearing all' -- It's good that we are not alone and all swimming in the same pond. 
[and just one addition to man law: no men hugging when skinny dipping]! (as well I understand that cold water causes shrinkage -- no need to explain -- it isn't broken after all. ;-p ). | |
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| Can an Angel With a Broken Wing Ever Fly?
Posted: 9/10/2008 11:25:33 AM | When I first saw this thread I thought to myself, "Oh another guy just like me, always finding that damsel to rescue and winding up hurt when she doesn't need him any longer or when she seems not to care about what good he has brought to her life."
All the stories are on pages 2 and 3. Seems that I am not alone. Seems that a lot of other people have spent countless hours sorting this out too.
Sock Puppeteer and Dofiagle, I just want to thank both of you for revealing yourselves in such a profound way. Some people think that men are impervious to pain and that we always just get right back up and keep plodding along looking for the next "Pizza". And, it's simply not true. Men do have hearts and they do have souls and they do hurt and they need to be able to heal just like women do. It is sad to me that so many women don't realize this, or at least they claim not to think so. If real women want to know the Hearts of "real" Men, here it is. Right here, in the posts made by you two gentlemen. Thank you for your eloquence and your honesty and your bravery.
It seems that many of us, rescuers and rescued alike, eventually end up with broken wings and as long as that is true, nothing will be right. We learn to walk one step at a time. Learning to walk "again" comes with the constant reminder of all of the falling and scraped knees and elbows one collects along the way.
In some ways we are all learning to walk again. | |
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| Can an Angel With a Broken Wing Ever Fly?
Posted: 9/11/2008 9:59:26 PM |
If real women want to know the Hearts of "real" Men, here it is.
I was about to suggest the renaming of this thread...to the heart of man...but I'm careful not to push the embarssment envelope. <-- U.S. postal worker code 
And my dear man -- as far as pizza...don't knock it or be overly offended. With angels there just might be a method to their madness and greater thoughts held.
I'm innocent I tell you--don't shoot!!  | |
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| Can an Angel With a Broken Wing Ever Fly?
Posted: 9/12/2008 1:54:04 PM | Wow! what a terrific thread. I am 100% female, but it is I who have always been the rescuer - and have had many similar experiences. I think from a "female" perspective though, we're more "fixers" - As I put my ex-husband on a bus back to Missouri, my final words to him were "well, I can promise you that this is the LAST time I marry 'potential'". And that turned out to be so - I don't even care to date potential - it is what it is - I have learned that even when a person SAYS they want rescuing - too often they want dependence. A person who wants to change, as it has been stated already in this thread, is going to do so on their own. For myself, I have decided that it is better for me to focus my efforts on myself - I have some control over that - thus, am promised at least SOME satisfaction with the results. I must first learn to walk by myself before I could walk beside someone else. I cannot carry another, but I can shoulder them for a while if need be.
I think you guys are real-real-real men, and am so grateful that I found this thread. Thank you for your candor - it offers great hope.
Edit: Now the role of rescuer/fixer IS in my DNA so I don't expect it will ever be totally gone from my life or my relationships - but with some awareness, I am hoping one day that it will be manageable and palatable for both of us - maybe even enjoyable in small enough doses :-) | |
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| Can an Angel With a Broken Wing Ever Fly?
Posted: 9/12/2008 6:21:16 PM |
And my dear man -- as far as pizza...don't knock it or be overly offended. With angels there just might be a method to their madness and greater thoughts held.
Pizza is great, but some proprietors will only accept email orders and deliver to a limited range. Like, say, 75 miles. 
A person who wants to change, as it has been stated already in this thread, is going to do so on their own. For myself, I have decided that it is better for me to focus my efforts on myself - I have some control over that
If you blame others for your problems they are in control and you can't do anything about it. If you take the blame for your problems, you are in control and can do whatever you feel like doing about it.
I must first learn to walk by myself before I could walk beside someone else. I cannot carry another, but I can shoulder them for a while if need be.
Yes! | |
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| Can an Angel With a Broken Wing Ever Fly?
Posted: 9/13/2008 5:07:25 PM | If you blame others for your problems they are in control and you can't do anything about it. If you take the blame for your problems, you are in control and can do whatever you feel like doing about it.
didn't I just say that? yeah I did - It's nice to have a trusted one who can offer moral suppport, feed back, and a non-judgmental ear though, don't you think?
Yes!...yeah :-)
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| Can an Angel With a Broken Wing Ever Fly?
Posted: 4/25/2009 9:16:32 PM | Alongside "Running Man", this is one of the best threads that's been on here ever!
But after all this time, it hasn't been out of mind. Was just thinking about it again today. And while I wasn't clear in my own head about this before, I think now that the answer is that we each have to take care of our own wings. Others can "coach and cheer and comfort", but the actual growth starts with the blood that is pumped from the heart of the person themself. I just need to re-re-re-re-learn this lesson time and time again it seems................. | |
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| Can an Angel With a Broken Wing Ever Fly?
Posted: 4/26/2009 1:10:19 PM | What a heartfelt and intimate posting...
Thank you. Here are a few of my thoughts on the questions you raised:
Do the Angels with broken wings eventually run from rescue once they realize that becoming “fixed” is uncharted territory that produces its own set of fears? No. Angels with broken wings have yet to see themselves in proper relationship to others. A lot has been written about the "fear of intimacy." Yet, I must ask, can you fear what you have never known, or, what you have yet to ever feel?
Or is the fear more immediate, since identifying issues and “fixing” their aftermath is painful work with no guarantee of success. In my opinion, this society's emphasis on "identifying issues" and the "work" that needs to be done in order to "heal" is not a magic pill that resolves an individual's psychological/communal difficulties--this approach just happens to be a popular one--so I agree with your suggestion that even "going through the pain" does not guarantee success. You are wise. There is a chance that folks don't need to re-experience pain in order to become more civilized. Many things can civilize a person...significant trauma, rape, abandonment, etc.,. All of those are dehumanizing (uncivilized) experiences that disconnect people from their existing identities, their relationship to community and/or sense of control over their lives. I personally believe that the goals for rehabilitation in such cases should include opportunities to re-humanize (for lack of a better term) , opportunities to interact peacefully with others and regain one's sense of (self) direction. Even by offering peaceful interaction with a wounded angel, you are actually helping her immensely!
Or is their self-esteem so damaged that they accept that damage and have come to believe that they deserve it so they keep holding on to it? A quest for the "optimal" human being, or in other words, "civilized" human being has brought us new terms like "self-esteem" and "damaged." When I hear the words, "I don't deserve something better..." I think, ah, this person is simply reflecting that she has heard that she deserves better from someone else. Yet, knowing how to get from one state of being to another is not a cake walk. Sometimes its just easier to reply, "I don't deserve something better..."
And as for my role as a rescuer, I'm simply a nice guy, and I had a very happy childhood raised by loving, gentle parents that I thought allows me to share strength and easily give support. But I’m beginning to believe that what I feel for them is just as much empathy as it is sympathy… Deep down, do I unknowingly identify with them, but focus my corrective efforts on their problems and not on mine?
In my opinion, you are a human being. Part of being human is relating and connecting. Relating and connecting is a natural aspect of existing--and those who have had this ability removed from them (such as those in prison camps) have historically longed to re-create relating and connecting any way possible in their isolation. If you identified with them, you would know it. That said, could it be that this world just happens to lack a lot of opportunities for relating and connecting? Could it be that your way, your personality, your style of relating and connecting simply has strong roots in helping others?
Perhaps my altruism is really just avoidance behavior that I am exhibiting right along side theirs. Perhaps there really is nothing wrong with altruism, so long as you are happy, so long as it does not keep you from your hopes, wishes and desires--so long as you are able to stay objective when one gets hurt after helping another. Some good question to ask on this note is, who am I helping another for? Is it for me? Is it for God? Is it for the other person, only? And, what do I expect after I have helped?
"How then to help an Angel with a broken wing to fly someday, and to help a helper to look out for Number One first (so fighting someone else’s battles won’t risk ending up with two casualties)?"
Help others to be of service to God--and don't expect anything in return when you do help somebody. Don't overexert yourself. Give what you have to give - give for God - love yourself (too) as you love others...
...the last part should help you prevent injury as you go about your life being you...I hope. You are a loving guy. You deserve the best. Remember, the divorce rate is super high. Lots of people are "jacked up" (uncivilized/dehumanized) to some degree or another in these here parts..
Its not you.
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| Can an Angel With a Broken Wing Ever Fly?
Posted: 8/12/2009 11:08:06 AM | | Having been broken myself... I can state with true honesty that those that tried to rescue/fix me at the time were walked all over. I don't believe it was intentional... it was just the way it was. One cannot be "fixed" by another... only by oneself. Change is a lengthy and extremely painful process. One seldom chooses to venture into the land of change until one perceives the pain of change to be less than the pain of remaining as one is. One must reach a level of self-loathing with which they can no longer live. Some refer to this as "reaching their bottom". Sadly, many never reach a low enough low. Often this is actually caused by the well intentioned "fixers". The best you can do is put a pillow between me and the wall I am banging my head against. That doesn't change my behavior or "fix" me... it only prolongs my ability to continue the banging. Having invested the time and walked through the pain... it was the most rewarding journey of my life. It changed my life. It gave me a life. It gave me... me. A wonderful, loving, kind, serene me that continues to evolve daily. However, no one could have made me do it nor could they help me do it. It is a journey one must walk through alone or with the assistance of someone who has made a similar journey. Even then, only guidance is provided... the real leg work is done by oneself. I know that this Angel that had a broken wing now soars... but perhaps that really isn't the question but rather... why are you compelled to attempt to rescue? I have thoughts on that. If you are interested in hearing them let me know. | |
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| Can an Angel With a Broken Wing Ever Fly?
Posted: 8/12/2009 12:25:20 PM |
... why are you compelled to attempt to rescue? I have thoughts on that. If you are interested in hearing them let me know.
A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. 
Seriously. In my case, it's the 3-year-old who was told to be a good little soldier, who sensed just how precarious his family was and realized that if he didn't fix it, it would never get better.
Just one slight problem with that: a 3-year-old is not equipped to fix a dysfunctional family.
Nevertheless, the need, the yearning for stability, and the drive to get it is never satisfied and can never be. That's what's hard. We're each entitled to a safe, supportive, and secure childhood. At least in theory. When we don't get that, it distorts our emotional development. So yes, I am twisted. The 3-year-old is frozen and can't get past it. Doesn't mean it can't be managed. It means that it has to be managed.
Other capacities develop, but not the one that allowed me to recognize that well-formed adults are consistently competent and caring. I still have to remind myself that they are on a daily basis so that I don't continually offend them. People don't like it when their best qualities go unrecognized.
So how to choose from a twisted-up 3-year-old perspective? Competent and uncaring, or caring and incompetent? After all, when we pick mates, that's usually the perspective we're coming from--the wounded parts, the needy parts, the twisted parts.
Hmmm, uncaring isn't exactly right--more like emotionally incompetent. That puts a bit more clarity on it, says 3-year-old Ace. Glad I checked back in this thread!
Anyway, as soon as I was able get free of the outside trappings, I set myself up to re-enact the same old drama. Seems there are plenty of people out there who can play the part of helpless and/or uncaring.
And those who know me often marvel at how I can be so caring and at times and so emotionally distant at others. The switch from one mode to the other is startling to them. I suppose it would be to me too if I wasn't so used to it. But it's a crappy thing to have had to get used to.
Overachieving as a way to justify one's existence makes for a lonely life. I've been told by competent and caring adults that I really don't have to do that--that my existence is proof of my worthiness to exist, but somehow the kid in me doesn't buy it. Every once in a while, yes, and more often lately. However, there is a difference between working out of a desire to share the abundance of one's bliss and working out of a need to feel accepted and worthy. The former is a blessing for everyone. The latter is what it is. | |
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| Can an Angel With a Broken Wing Ever Fly?
Posted: 8/12/2009 2:33:56 PM | I don't believe the choices are "competent and uncaring, or caring and incompetent". We have endless choices. If the emotional programming in our head is faulty (to whatever degree, obviously some more than others) and having a negative effect on our life, then as adults we can choose to lean on the crutch of faulty programming and repeat our mistakes over and over or we can begin the reprogramming process... its our choice.
The definition of insanity may be cliche but it's also true... repeating the same behavior over and over and expecting different results.
No one... not even the most emotionally healthy people... got through childhood unscathed. Please don't read this as "your parents weren't wonderful parents" ... it has nothing to do with it. But as children we live in a black and white world and our interpretation (how we hear something and the conclusions drawn) of something our parents said or did is imprinted in our brains based on a preschooler's interpretation. Example: My older sister was very intelligent, learned to read early and skipped grade 1. My parents often remarked about how smart she was. I was a C+ student at best for several years until an IQ test suggested that I was capable of far more. When questioned by my parents as to why I didn't get better marks in school I responded honestly, "I'm stupid." They were shocked and asked where I got that idea as they had never told me I was stupid. Again I answered honestly, "I hear you say that Kelly is smart. You always say Deb is so funny... so, I'm funny not smart."
Often those who feel that they had a "blessed" childhood struggle the most in recognizing the missing links in their emotional programming. They can feel that examining their childhood years would be "disloyal" to their loving parents and this feeling keeps them from discovering the root cause behind their ( in this case) "need" to rescue. This has nothing to do with blame or fault. In most cases our parents did a great job and the best they could. Having had a "good" childhood makes it difficult to feel the need to examine our childhood because we seem to be surrounded by people who had it "far worse than we did". Sometimes we subconsciously choose to surround ourselves with people with broken wings to avoid examining ourselves. We have grown up and added to our emotional programming, rewritten some of the code but some of those "imprinted lines of emotional programming code" written in childhood remain. We drew conclusions based on how we, at age 3, 4 or 5, "heard" something or as in the case above simply didn't hear something and accepted these conclusions as emotional facts. We don't think about them consciously, just act upon them. It simply stands to reason that there are a few gaps in the emotional learning chain even in those of us that had the happiest of childhoods. We ALL have some gaps. If I suggested you turn your financial life over to a preschooler you would think me mad. However, many continue to live their emotional life based primarily on preschool programming.
The suggestion that it is a male thing to rescue the damsel in distress would beg the question then as to why so many women are continuously attracted to and feel a need to help or fix" the "wounded puppy".
"Fixers" often appears to the outside world to be "normal". They are often described by friends as as kind, loving and compassionate people. I'm not saying they aren't. If however, they find that this "need" to rescue or "fix" has become a pattern and has lead to failed relationship after failed relationship (been there done that) it needs to be recognized, examined and addressed. Or not... but don't expect different results. | |
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