| Can an Angel With a Broken Wing Ever Fly?
Posted: 8/12/2009 2:33:56 PM | I don't believe the choices are "competent and uncaring, or caring and incompetent". We have endless choices. If the emotional programming in our head is faulty (to whatever degree, obviously some more than others) and having a negative effect on our life, then as adults we can choose to lean on the crutch of faulty programming and repeat our mistakes over and over or we can begin the reprogramming process... its our choice.
The definition of insanity may be cliche but it's also true... repeating the same behavior over and over and expecting different results.
No one... not even the most emotionally healthy people... got through childhood unscathed. Please don't read this as "your parents weren't wonderful parents" ... it has nothing to do with it. But as children we live in a black and white world and our interpretation (how we hear something and the conclusions drawn) of something our parents said or did is imprinted in our brains based on a preschooler's interpretation. Example: My older sister was very intelligent, learned to read early and skipped grade 1. My parents often remarked about how smart she was. I was a C+ student at best for several years until an IQ test suggested that I was capable of far more. When questioned by my parents as to why I didn't get better marks in school I responded honestly, "I'm stupid." They were shocked and asked where I got that idea as they had never told me I was stupid. Again I answered honestly, "I hear you say that Kelly is smart. You always say Deb is so funny... so, I'm funny not smart."
Often those who feel that they had a "blessed" childhood struggle the most in recognizing the missing links in their emotional programming. They can feel that examining their childhood years would be "disloyal" to their loving parents and this feeling keeps them from discovering the root cause behind their ( in this case) "need" to rescue. This has nothing to do with blame or fault. In most cases our parents did a great job and the best they could. Having had a "good" childhood makes it difficult to feel the need to examine our childhood because we seem to be surrounded by people who had it "far worse than we did". Sometimes we subconsciously choose to surround ourselves with people with broken wings to avoid examining ourselves. We have grown up and added to our emotional programming, rewritten some of the code but some of those "imprinted lines of emotional programming code" written in childhood remain. We drew conclusions based on how we, at age 3, 4 or 5, "heard" something or as in the case above simply didn't hear something and accepted these conclusions as emotional facts. We don't think about them consciously, just act upon them. It simply stands to reason that there are a few gaps in the emotional learning chain even in those of us that had the happiest of childhoods. We ALL have some gaps. If I suggested you turn your financial life over to a preschooler you would think me mad. However, many continue to live their emotional life based primarily on preschool programming.
The suggestion that it is a male thing to rescue the damsel in distress would beg the question then as to why so many women are continuously attracted to and feel a need to help or fix" the "wounded puppy".
"Fixers" often appears to the outside world to be "normal". They are often described by friends as as kind, loving and compassionate people. I'm not saying they aren't. If however, they find that this "need" to rescue or "fix" has become a pattern and has lead to failed relationship after failed relationship (been there done that) it needs to be recognized, examined and addressed. Or not... but don't expect different results. | |
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| Can an Angel With a Broken Wing Ever Fly?
Posted: 8/12/2009 4:48:50 PM | Wings heal themselfs through time and deeds. and of course tender loving care, We who have fallen have the best and worst of both worlds. We shine to those who know and are respected by most even if they dont, We can change a life with the wisdom we share, or destroy ones world with words unspoken, This subject is I feel about touching ones soul. and to do that one has to have been touched. Believe me as I share these words for the first time on the information freeway. And as I do Please know I am no saint. Far from it , Thats what its about. Fallen, Broken wings, No wings, does that really matter. No ! Its what were doing about it. To what? Shine ? Get our ticket?
to be respected ? For money? fame? What if I was to tell you You can go Home now. Would you? What if I ask you to stay and Help after you got your pass, knowing full well that you dont know how to or where to even help. Hell but you know as well as I do
"We" always seem to be where we need to be , right? The names you've been called may have been : physic, mesenger, witch, wizard, even fortune teller or profit. Strange
wierd, crazy, lost, not all there.You are not alone. and yes you just maybe all the above. I can share this only for now because as we who have fallen and been at it for who's to say how longKnows . we are here for a reason and there is fear. Soon and those who know will know and stand up to be seen and those they have touched will stand as well. Fear of the unknown ? Well Shine all ye Angels and it will be known The time is near to Show the way home.
With that said ;
I say ;
Untill then
Keep the light
Shinning Bright  | |
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| Can an Angel With a Broken Wing Ever Fly?
Posted: 8/14/2009 10:21:47 AM | ^^it's how many 'psychologists' does it take to change a light bulb (never heard healers). :unsure:
People are not band-aids for others...and if we all were being honest, all are less than perfect and there is always 'something' another could do to better one's life. I still think it's better to come together for reasons beyond 'fixing' or being 'fixed.' (unless you are an appliance, mind you). *wink*
Sharing in the joys and sorrows in life is a given when love is perfected...and there is no fear.
I once had a handle on my life -- but it broke off is something that 'we all' feel from time to time in life. If a person is dealing with a 'chronic' issue...we bargain for more when trying to fix something that is long embedded into the other's pychy.
Flying away to get my medication now (they worry about me when I'm off of it...lol). *wink* | |
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| Can an Angel With a Broken Wing Ever Fly?
Posted: 8/14/2009 10:30:31 AM | Recognizing that we have these issue is not the same as fixing them, we took years to assume these roles and it make take the rest of our lives to undo it. Momanatrix had the best explanation I have seen yet. | |
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| Can an Angel With a Broken Wing Ever Fly?
Posted: 8/14/2009 9:14:23 PM | ... we can choose to lean on the crutch of faulty programming and repeat our mistakes over and over or we can begin the reprogramming process...
Well, we aren't Turing machines. More like growing plants. Prune off a faulty branch and it will try, try, try to grow back. Those old ingrained habits of thought--the unspoken beliefs--need to be kept after and excised whenever they pop up again, but they're deep rooted. In most cases they simply have to be recognized for what they are and dealt with as symptoms. It's hard to do when you're freaking out--even if you know that you're freaking out needlessly.
It was a very bad day when I finally realized that my own warped judgment was the root of my problems. It was also a very good day for a new beginning.
I was in my 30s when my Mom finally gave me some dating advice. She said, "Don't date anyone with more problems than you have." It's very good advice. | |
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| Can an Angel With a Broken Wing Ever Fly?
Posted: 8/15/2009 1:20:47 AM | Moms can really come up with some gems, can't they? My mom gave me one a couple of years back and it had to deal with the Human Race in general, not dating, but I think it covers dating. "You can't worry about someone else's problems more than they do". I think I've fallen victim to that many times for people, but it's true, sometimes people are full of sparks to start fire in other people's brains, then they could care less about what thoughts or worries they have started in others, and/or they've got you to worry about their worries.
It seems I had the most fun when I was 22 and dating mostly 19 year old women circa 1989. It was a great time in life, but not only was it that I was just younger, it was just a different time. People can be so complicated now. I think if you just get back to the simple things in life.......make yourself happy first and keep your course, then you will be the most happy overall. Think of it this way...be in the race to finish, not to win. Also enable yourself to think that maybe being alone is a destiny or a reality and that even that reality may not be as bad as it sounds. Bruce Lee once said about fighting "Never anticipate the outcome of a fight" in regards to thinking you will only win the fight. The parallel I see here is that we should never anticipate the outcome of what we should have......being happily married forever after. I think there are many joys in this life and I am blessed and glad I have a son. I forgot most of the "me, me, me" world I used to live after he came into the world. I find nothing more satisfying than watching his mind, body and spirit grow and being such a big part of it. I want to be happily married too, but even a great female companionship would be okay too at this point, but the way this world goes today.......we seem to be many ships that pass in the night, never knowing we did. | |
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| Can an Angel With a Broken Wing Ever Fly?
Posted: 8/15/2009 10:24:34 AM |
Recognizing that we have these issue is not the same as fixing them, we took years to assume these roles and it make take the rest of our lives to undo it. Momanatrix had the best explanation I have seen yet.
I like Mom's thoughts as well...much wisdom this lady holds. :-).
FZ -- About your comment though: at what point in our lives do we recognize we are whole, regardless of events and hardships in life? Do you truly consider a life time? Life is 'sooooo' short to hold on to what is not beneficial for us...don't you think? So at what point does healthy 'mourning' over any event turn into 'unhealthy' grief, 'and' is it 'another' that will point this out to us? What about getting fed up?
When my dad was murdered...I had to learn to accept this. It was not a matter of 'healing' or being 'fixed' of my extended period of mourning (twas joking above about needing fixed and trying to be cleaver in my point being made*wink*). Those who helped me the greatest was those who 'loved' me versus 'trying' to fix what was not broken and could not be fixed. I could at that time claim 'brokeness' or take what occured, accept it and recognize all the mourning in the world could not fix what occured. I 'had' no choice but to accept the later 'eventually.' Rescuers bothered me worse than those lacking sympathy during this time. Why? because compassion would hold 'understanding' and with this acceptance (not trying to fix me).
Events occur in life that are individual and unique to each of us and 'alter' our lives (it need not be for the worse though -- unless we ourselves decide this for ourselves). It doesn't mean we require fixing unless we ourselves decide this is the case (with this we would decide that we 'lack' some capability or ability to handle our own life/problems/ or whatever).
I made a thread once asking 'what is normal?' We are all individuals and will cope with things in an unique way. It doesn't mean anyone is broken -- we all just deal with a matter in a unique way. When greater psychoses are apparent -- a person might require professional help versus 'a rescuer.' It's not as simple as feeding a seagull with a broken wing that has difficulty feeding himself (or taking care of basic needs in otherwords if dealing with another's self fullfilling prophecy of 'lacking' abilities to handle one's own life or cope or whatever ails the person).
Emerson's thoughts...as a man thinks so it shall be (or so he shall become). What we 'dwell' upon in thought (whether it's sunsets or death) can consume us and we can loose control if we allow what is bad versus good in life to overcome us.
Being a rescuer myself for the majority of my life -- I had to realize I was getting my own self-worth from other's lives and not my own. It was 'me' that needed rescued. Do I still rescue stray cats and place them in homes...yes. Do I fix people anymore? No. I love them 'as is' and let them be who they are or disassociate myself if I recognize a need for professional help in another (allowing others mental drama to take precedence in one's own life is destructive to both, imo...codependency or an interdependency built on something 'wrong' has never led to a healthy relationship that I've witnessed personally) . We all have our own cross to bear and burdens and with this capabilities and abilities to make sound judgments/decisions that work for 'us' individually. If a person decides to become a basket case or decides they can not work or care for themselves (provided they are able bodied) -- there is a reason for them theirselves. Is it a sound decision to live one's life that way? It's up to them...for me it is not though. For me it is not something I'd coddle anyone over today. I realize I'd hurt more than help to coddle a bad decision.
Sometimes the greatest compassion given is stating -- you require help beyond what you expect or ask from another if you believe yourself incapable. It's maybe then that the person might account for having the capability themselves over their own lives and actually learn they are strong and they are capable and only then in truth will the tears pass.
If you encourge 'incapability' -- you will have someone dependent (and a codependency perhaps formed). Admittedly in my years of rescuing -- I formed my own self-worth this way. I was in err. It's not 'tough' love that I believe in today, but I do believe in other's capabilities to 'fix' themselves and hopefully it not taking a life time to overcome what one is capability of overcoming today....by merely recognizing they can (like the little steam engine that could) overcome anything 'if' they have the will to.
Rambling thoughts on something I have held a lot of experience at 'failing' in (fixing others). *wink* | |
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| Can an Angel With a Broken Wing Ever Fly?
Posted: 8/15/2009 10:30:45 AM | Mermaid the only way for me to answer this would be from my dad. He just turned 96 last week and said he learns new stuff about himself everyday.
To me there really is no good answer to this, you have to find what works for you.
Any shrinks here? | |
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| Can an Angel With a Broken Wing Ever Fly?
Posted: 8/15/2009 10:51:37 AM | FZ -- I thought you were taking about 'issues.' I must have misinterpreted what you wrote then as far as issues taking a life time to correct.
Good for your dad that he keeps 'growing' at 96.  | |
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| Can an Angel With a Broken Wing Ever Fly?
Posted: 8/15/2009 11:13:07 AM | No mermaid you are right I do believe we may spend a lifetime trying to correct some of our issues. Other than therapy I don't think we truly have the ability to correct them our self.
One of the best things I ever did for my self was to get far away from the people that crated those issues in me. I still love them but not having daily contact with them let s me grow with out that constant programming while I deprogram myself.
I will admit this, when I go back home all the insecurities seem to come to the surface. Part of that stems from the fact when I go back home people and family still look at me and treat like the person I was 23 years ago when I left. | |
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| Can an Angel With a Broken Wing Ever Fly?
Posted: 8/15/2009 3:23:52 PM | After 40 or at some point near to that, I did seem to realize certain knowledge, acceptance and other contemplations were just "known". I would then wonder to myself...."how or from whence did my sudden knowledge and wisdom just come about?". I am a man of Prayer, so I know the answer to most of my own question, but it's still very interesting to feel your mind expanding in places unexpandable before. It is a great feeling when you learn that your learning has almost seemed to just begin in some places. It makes me feel that my best years are ahead. I have read this about many people growing older, when you hit 50, you are more calm and confident than 40 and 60 and so on and so on. Just that simple piece that I read, helped me to appreciate the fact that yes, I am more calm than a 20 or 30 year old, I have owned my own home, I am a Father, I have had the dream jobs, I do see what's most important in life......all questions for people younger, living the party life, club scene, the "me, me, me" self-centered life aren't my questions anymore. They don't know where they'll be, most of them, then can only ponder those future realities. I have outlived and outgrown that past like many others have and it's great to be past that point.
FZ: I know what you mean about people treating you as if you are someone that you really aren't anymore. I have relatives do that and you can't talk to them because they still think you are on their level or at that old level.....and I'm definitely not! That was the problem with my ex-girlfriend, she stayed within that family unit living as if they all were kids at home still, even though all her siblings including herself were or are married and had their own kids, own homes etc...etc. The Mother pulled the "Your Father is sick card" on them and they all moved back from several states, but the Father wasn't sick at all, he had fallen down because he drinks a lot. I saw that truth later. Their Mother brain washed them to think they have to go through the drudgery of all of their lives and all of them have to live it still forever. So she was stuck forever in that mind set, I just let her go and let her move back to New Mexico because I felt I didn't want to try to fix the lightbulb that didn't really want fixing. It's kind of nauseating once we realize what we went through with people, only to realize, they never wanted to be fixed or change or live a different way or if they did, they never put forth enough effort on their own to do so. They just wanted a giant emotional tampon (as Sam Kinison once put it). | |
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| Can an Angel With a Broken Wing Ever Fly?
Posted: 8/15/2009 3:41:47 PM | Leaving:
your story sounds like my 2nd wife who bailed on me when we lived in Europe, could not cut mommas apron strings. Momma had her brainwashed.
They best part is my kids all recognize this about the family and all want to come live with me as they turn 18, don't want to be any part of grandmas control paradise. | |
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| Can an Angel With a Broken Wing Ever Fly?
Posted: 8/15/2009 6:22:49 PM | and/or they've got you to worry about their worries.
Or, if they can get you to carry their shame or guilt, then they can run off and play. Parents were supposed to do that for us when we were very young. If they don't, some of us try to find others to make up for that lapse.
Some of us tried to get past that deficit in our development by taking on the role of parent as we imagined it should have been. But without the maturity to understand what parents really did, we got it wrong. We became rescuers, not well-formed adults. | |
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| Can an Angel With a Broken Wing Ever Fly?
Posted: 8/15/2009 6:33:56 PM | at what point in our lives do we recognize we are whole, regardless of events and hardships in life?
I don't think it works that way. I think we recognze that the hand we were dealt is the hand we have, and make the choice to play it to the best of our ability. Rock bottom honesty.
We don't expect people who've had a leg amputated to run marathons. The occasional ones who strap on an artifical limb to do it are exceptional. We do expect those who can to strap on a prosthesis and walk. But we don't expect them to grow new legs.
Those of us whose emotional responses have been crippled must recognize that we have a limited reportoire, that we always will, and that we must therefore figure out what assistive devices we can employ to cope before we can excel. That doesn't mean we can't ever excel, but being "whole" just sounds like the same sort of wishful thinking that keeps us in the rescuing game. Temple Grandon will never be "normal."
Some conditions cannot be cured. That doesn't mean they cannot be managed. But for me, the idea that my issues could be "healed" kept me looking for that blessed state of bliss when I could have been enjoying the moments I had for what they were--imperfect and beautiful. | |
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| Can an Angel With a Broken Wing Ever Fly?
Posted: 8/15/2009 6:52:32 PM | I feel that way with cameras sometimes, I don't want to have a camera shot for every moment in life...........because things sometimes revolve around that.....posing...etc..etc...."let me get a picture".........I know when to pick up and put down the camera and live the memory, not try to photograph it. I asked my son's Mother to take a picture of he and I because I don't have a lot of us together, because it's usually me taking the pictures of him....one of us has two when there's only two of us. She laughed and said "yeah, I don't have that many pictures with our son either, I'm usually taking them of my husband and the kids....and so it appears as he's doing all the work in the family if you look at all the pictures, but that's not the case!". That was pretty funny because I know she was right.
A few years back I began to understand and realize one thing about my parents...they were teenagers when they had me and still growing up themselves, then they split up and they both had issues in their lives whether they told me or not, I lived through them and make sure I refrain to apply any of those upon my child. I have the advantage of that over my parents and the fact that I was 15 years older when I had my son also. I have told my own Mother in the past that she had her time raising her child and now it's my time, so I don't need the assistance. As long as my son is healthy mentally and physically and it's been showing, I know I am doing something right. | |
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| Can an Angel With a Broken Wing Ever Fly?
Posted: 8/15/2009 9:18:11 PM | Here are some songs about wings...
The post title reminded me of them.
Hope you enjoy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-kwSJOb9nbk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=31-LZiCZpjA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5RTX6DxJ5G8 | |
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| Can an Angel With a Broken Wing Ever Fly?
Posted: 9/6/2009 11:35:28 AM | Ace --
at what point in our lives do we recognize we are whole, regardless of events and hardships in life?
I don't think it works that way. I think we recognze that the hand we were dealt is the hand we have, and make the choice to play it to the best of our ability. Rock bottom honesty.
Why and why not take the route in life that works better and is shorter? The hand we are dealt in life can be looked at many ways as well (opportunities/negatively or positively provided we are holding the correct reality and we are honest with ourselves).
Not sure what you mean by rock bottom -- but many quit bad habits before getting to that point and have more to show from this and less suffering/scarring/drama/etc., imo. Call me a blonde if you will (*wink*), but I think life is too short to hold on to what doesn't reflect us as 'whole' and 'overcoming' versus stagnant and lacking. | |
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| Can an Angel With a Broken Wing Ever Fly?
Posted: 9/6/2009 3:54:26 PM | Lot of words to read so I apologize in advance if I am repeating some other poster, I fell asleep twice and forgot what I read so I'll just give pull out the driver, tee it high and share.
I think it has become conventional wisdom that people must heal themselves first, love themselves first, blah blah, before they can, or should try being with another. Excuse me for suggesting that sounds like a full employment act for mental health professionals.
Can an event change a person for better or worse? Certainly an event can. If you haven't seen it happen, or had it happen, hold on tight because it will eventually.
So if an event can, could a person not change you? Could a person not provide an insight, provide a door or window not previously available that changes everything?
Although I seldom follow my own advice, I'm reasonably convinced humans were not meant to live alone, that underneath all our actions is a search for "the other", that missing element that completes us. The amount of alienation most of the single people I meet wrestle with compared to coupled people is almost enough by itself. | |
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| Can an Angel With a Broken Wing Ever Fly?
Posted: 9/6/2009 6:55:27 PM | Golf -- have you ever thought though it is what people obsess or dwell on in thought...that matters to them personally (yet it's not the reality that others might see for them). Take famous/the wealthy, etc. people who are terribly miserable. Others might see their lives differently and do (some even envy them).
So in thought...and for example if someone wants a Mercedes and believes the Mercedes will change their life...something is missing.
The same is true of the single person who thinks a mate will 'fix' their whatever is ... again something missing. When married you have a partner in whatever is the 'same' about you. You, yourself are the same person (whether broken or whole). You bring another into whatever exists...much like buying a car...people are 'as is.'
Heros and villians exist in movies...such as the damsel in distress actually being rescued (yet all of us women have our fantasies just like you men...sweep me away and allow me to live a life of luxury traveling and living in a mansion).
In real life, people are where they 'want' to be. Struggling and trying to obtain something believed to be 'missing' is not the same as 'truly' loving another (imo)...albeit I agree nobody was meant to be alone and we are social creatures.
What about all the millions of miserable marriages. So having another is not the 'get all' of life for many (abeit it might be for those who obsess on this and believe it will fix everything for them, that is 'for a while.') It's why so many marriages fail (it's all that sciencetology guy and his 'you complete me' line in a movie. lol [joking]). Prayfully we are still growing whether married or single and not reliant on anything/anyone else to recognize our worth as people.
To sum up this whole mess about rescuing others: healthy people create healthy relationships...the truth can be said of the opposite.
That is my story and I'm sticking to it. Is this what the topic is about anyway? Sorry if we took a deter in some other direction (maybe a sand trap)? :-p | |
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| Can an Angel With a Broken Wing Ever Fly?
Posted: 9/6/2009 7:07:41 PM | There are no guarantees. There are no formulas. There no two people alike. No two situations are alike. Material possessions are not people.
So for example when they take these therapy dogs to a hospital, do the people become warmer, happier, does something brighten in them? Do pets in general give people purpose and happiness?
Why then would one imagine close human bonds of a romantic nature not do this and more?
Now if you're asking me about probabilities that's quite a different argument. I once waded into the ocean of mankinds souls and did not get the bottom of my shoes wet. But the basic premise remains, what can break a heart, can quite likely heal a heart. Unless of course one is invested in the current state. | |
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| Can an Angel With a Broken Wing Ever Fly?
Posted: 9/7/2009 5:39:21 PM | Why then would one imagine close human bonds of a romantic nature not do this and more?
There are many cliches that true. That's why they get repeated often enough to become truisms. The problem with seeking out another person for relief is that there is a tendency to unconsciously pick people with whom we can repeat our dysfunctional patterns of relating. Some people have the same unhappy relationships over and over and over again--only the faces of their partners change.
The odds of developing a better relationship are much higher for people take a litle time to step back, critically assess their own part in their unhappiness, and figure out how they can do better in future. | |
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