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| Would you stay with someone who cant communicate or bores you?
Posted: 11/11/2007 3:12:14 PM | | If he failed to deal or talk about important issues concerning the relationship,then that is lack of responsibilty and not communication problem on his part and can be grounds for breakup. However, he was communicative enough when you use descriptions like very affectionate,loving ,non-critical,easy-going etc. Many men prefer or wired to show their love with action and problem solving skills than being entertainers. When he was cleaning your car and cooking nice meals, he was saying how much he cared about you. | |
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| Would you stay with someone who cant communicate or bores you?
Posted: 11/11/2007 6:42:43 PM | Can i approach this from a different angle? i think i get where the OP is coming from. maybe its not so much boredom per se,.. more the lack of depth and emotion in the man himself?
My father was a man like this,.. to all intents and purposes a good man, he was married to my mother for 42 years and in that time he drove her completely round the bend by being the most closed off, uncommunicative man that ever lived. Was it his fault? No,.. he was just born that way.. my mother tried to get him to talk about his thoughts, feelings aspirations, wants and needs.. but there just weent any there.. if its not in someone,.. no amount of talking or communicating or listening will bring it out. Some people really are just emotionless rocks. Its rare, but it happens.. and its very hard to explain to somone who has'nt met one of these types of people. maybe the OP met one.
Its like talking to yourself, you may as well live on your own.. they are almost nothing more than a psysical presence. I am still trying to work out what makes my father tick after all these years. and i dont think i'll ever know.
Maybe the OP spent 2 years with him through a sense of 'well, I started this relationship with him.. I guess I should at least try and stick around'
Just like my mother did with my father. it was a sense of honouring the commitment she made to him. maybe the OP was just trying to give it a bloody good try. You cant know everything there is to know about somone in a few weeks.. sometimes you hope that the more time you spend with an uncommicative person, the more they'll open up,.. but sadly it doesnt work that way, but in all fairness,.. how was the OP to know that ahead of time? DAx | |
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| Would you stay with someone who cant communicate or bores you?
Posted: 11/11/2007 10:23:53 PM |
Can i approach this from a different angle? i think i get where the OP is coming from. maybe its not so much boredom per se,.. more the lack of depth and emotion in the man himself?
My father was a man like this,.. to all intents and purposes a good man, he was married to my mother for 42 years and in that time he drove her completely round the bend by being the most closed off, uncommunicative man that ever lived. Was it his fault? No,.. he was just born that way.. my mother tried to get him to talk about his thoughts, feelings aspirations, wants and needs.. but there just weent any there.. if its not in someone,.. no amount of talking or communicating or listening will bring it out. Some people really are just emotionless rocks. Its rare, but it happens.. and its very hard to explain to somone who has'nt met one of these types of people. maybe the OP met one.
Its like talking to yourself, you may as well live on your own.. they are almost nothing more than a psysical presence. I am still trying to work out what makes my father tick after all these years. and i dont think i'll ever know.
Maybe the OP spent 2 years with him through a sense of 'well, I started this relationship with him.. I guess I should at least try and stick around'
Just like my mother did with my father. it was a sense of honouring the commitment she made to him. maybe the OP was just trying to give it a bloody good try. You cant know everything there is to know about somone in a few weeks.. sometimes you hope that the more time you spend with an uncommicative person, the more they'll open up,.. but sadly it doesnt work that way, but in all fairness,.. how was the OP to know that ahead of time? DAx
In all due respect, why did your mom marry him in the first place?
IMO people that are that distant/cold it is really in a way a form of abuse to the other person involved in the relationship/marriage. Ok, there are people who are very good communicators and there are people who are not so good. To be so shut off though and so distant as you describe your dad in the above, I just don't understand that kind of behavior. | |
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| Would you stay with someone who cant communicate or bores you?
Posted: 11/11/2007 10:41:47 PM | To Rosesforyou,
I can understand your bewilderment, like I said, unless you've met a person like this, its hard to imagine they exist. My mother married my father when she was very young, she was 18, and I really dont think she knew exactly how uncommunicative he would turn out to be. My mother is from a generation that married fairly quickly,.. there was no real oppitunity to get to know him very well, no living together,.. or anything like that before marriage. her only fault was being naive and young, and getting married after the war to someone she didnt really know that well.
I understand that there are some people who feel things,.. and who feel deeply, but cannot communicate or express themselves very well, and they should not be labelled as boring.. but there are some people, I'm afraid, who really just dont have much going on in their heads at all. It sounds as if the OP tried to make a go of it with someone who just wasnt able or willing to express himself. I just dont understand why people would be so harsh on her for trying to make a go of it.. it may have been a little foolish to try,.. and certainly it was'nt nice for the man when she left,.. but if he was unwilling to open up a little, then I cannot accept its all the OP's fault. DAx | |
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| Would you stay with someone who cant communicate or bores you?
Posted: 11/11/2007 10:59:54 PM | Thank you TDA for your response. I understand where your coming from. I don't feel they should be labeled as boring. I know that my original post on here was not to go against the OP at all. Also, all I want to add is that I hope that in some way your dad was able to show his feelings enough to at least let your mom know he loved her. I don't fault the OP for trying and I don't fault your mom for staying married to your dad.
I know for myself that I'm a person that enjoys communication. I just know that for myself I could not be happy if I felt like I had to pull any sort of communication out from someone I was trying to love and giving them all that I could. It's a fine line I guess. If someone is just not the best at communication but you can see at least in some way that they are trying to show you love then that’s one thing. I don't feel someone should just give up on them. On the other hand, if the person is so closed off that they don't even show any form of love to another person then I feel that it's just asking too much from one person to continue to stand by them. I don't know your dad and it is not my intent to say your dad is some cold unfeeling person. I just hope that somehow he has shown your mom in some way that he loves her, even if he could never open up enough to tell her his inner feelings. | |
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| Would you stay with someone who cant communicate or bores you?
Posted: 11/11/2007 11:10:03 PM | | Thank you rosesforyou. I'm actually in agreement with you. I enjoy.. no I need communication.. and lots of it.. Growing up in an emotional vacuum makes it imperative for me that a man should be able to expres himself.. or at least try to. Thats why I agree with the original posters sentiments so strongly. Its never a good idea to throw your love, feelings, heart and soul into someone who is essentially a bottomless pit. | |
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| Would you stay with someone who cant communicate or bores you?
Posted: 11/11/2007 11:16:31 PM | | Good conversation is the cornerstone of all longlasting relationships. If you cant keep the attention of the person you love when your talking what makes you think that you got their attention the rest of the rest of the time. | |
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| Would you stay with someone who cant communicate or bores you?
Posted: 11/12/2007 10:10:23 AM |
Communication is everything to understanding another human being... Without it, what do you really have? Everyone, at their deepest core, if nothing else, has a desire to be understood...
True understanding creates a strong chord of connection and harmony that is hard to break
What a cool profile name, happiest with a smile. !!
Just to expand upon your point, I think that it goes even further than strengthening the relationship, to the very heart of what we need a relationship for in the first place.
In our culture and times, relationships are rarely for "survival" or based on practical need. Still, there is a part of us that "needs" to connect with one other, special person of the opposite sex, if we are to find "completion" or "fulfillment" in a greater "us". There are thoughts, locked inside us, feelings we hide from the world, failures that shame us, and fears that can overwhelm us, if we are going through the journey of life on our own.
Most functional people can cope, and find ways to deal with those things kept in isolation, but life takes on a different meaning, when one can connect with another, who deeply understands and accepts him/her, and is given the same as part of a greater "us". Sex is part of that, of course, but so is talking, sharing intimacies, and all the rest.
So, in terms of the OP, does any of us "need", or are we seeking relationships, to find someone to cook, clean, or wash the car? If there isn't that soul level connection, then it's not fulfilling or completing. | |
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| Would you stay with someone who cant communicate or bores you?
Posted: 11/12/2007 12:52:13 PM | It's pretty much a given that if you are bored, then you are the boring person. I've never been bored; there's always something to think of, or something to do. If you feel that someone is boring you, maybe you should stop expecting the world to entertain you and start using your mind instead of wanting someone else to make your world interesting. In short, get up off your butt, turn on your brain, and think of something to make your time together enjoyable. This is the 21'st century, and it's pretty sad commentary that women still expect a guy to 'provide' an interesting life for her.
As far as communication goes, men don't communicate our feelings the way women do. All too often, a woman asks us a question seeking a particular answer, and if we aren't forthcoming with that answer, we are seen as less of a man for it. No woman ever wants to hear about a man's insecurities, or that he's EVER afraid. She wants the 'pillar of strength'. Example: a woman may ask a man what his sexual fantasies are. But what she really is asking, is 'tell me that your fantasies are the same as mine'. Anything other than that will be a disappointment to her; she really doesn't want to hear that her guy might like to experiment with unusual smelly fetishes, role playing where he's dressed up like her, or bondage while dressed in diving equipment, no matter how harmless they may be. She wants to hear that we want to whisk her away on horseback, adore and ravish her, that we like spending unending hours and all our money just pampering her, that we have a penchant for candles, romantic music, dimly lit rooms, expensive getaways to exotic lands, etc. etc..
So we learn, and shut up. It's just the continuation of the 'strong, silent type' that we've been taught through out our lives to be when it comes to being attractive to women. | |
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| Would you stay with someone who cant communicate or bores you?
Posted: 11/12/2007 1:41:24 PM | My father was also a quite man, and when he did say something everybody would perk up and listen, and he always made sense. I don't like a rambler, but neither do I not want to talk all the time, and I have my quite moments too and I don't want to see my lips moving all the time, so why would I want others to move all the time. lol...
There is a fine line between someone who talks too much and someone who doesn't talk at all. I like staying on the line, is that like sitting on the fence, wink wink. lol...
Sometimes people just talk too much.
Maybe, it's that compatibility thing again.
Have a nice evening,
Chela | |
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| Would you stay with someone who cant communicate or bores you?
Posted: 11/12/2007 2:02:39 PM | This is more complex issue than it would seem on the surface, and I can see some of both sides of the issue, but I'm leaning more towards saying his actions and behaviors spoke FOR him, and if you as a person require more scintillating or intellectual conversation, join a discussion group, read a good book, take a class...
To toss this good man aside just so you can have somebody that talks more? About WHAT??
If I misunderstand your post, and major difficulties are arising in your relationship because IMPORTANT needs are not being met on either side, that might be another story. But just because he's not being an orator and standup comedian 24/7 ?
Cindy O | |
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| Would you stay with someone who cant communicate or bores you?
Posted: 11/12/2007 2:10:29 PM | | TWO years?!! Wow you've got a lotta patience...ive been thru that wayyyy too many times and i can barely get it past a month..and thats pushing it!! Thats jus me i guess...if someone bores me or we can never talk about anything i lost interest pretty quickly and tell them straight up..welll not that they bore me but jus that i didnt feel it was working, there's no chemistry blah blah...and you move on...why waste time (yours AND his)?? | |
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eazk
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Joined: 9/8/2006
Msg: 72 | |
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| Would you stay with someone who cant communicate or bores you?
Posted: 11/12/2007 5:14:15 PM | stellarbystarlight, there are some people who just are not engaged by interesting things to do or talk about, as I believe has been mentioned before, some people have just a couple of topics of conversation and a couple of activities that they limit themselves to, and are not interested in ever branching out beyond that, and when suggestions come from the 'bored' party they flat out refuse...I believe that is what most people would be referring to on this thread when they say they would not stay with a boring person.
As far as women seeking a particular answer to questions they ask, I would agree that that happens more times than most would care to admit. And yes, in referring to the sexual fantasy question, there are some women who are looking for what you mention, but you must realize that sometimes when that question is asked the women may actually be wanting to know if you might be interested in experimenting, and are too nervous themselves to admit first to their partner that there are some quirky things that they might like to try...some of us don't want to scare our partner by some of the fantasies that run through our heads too! | |
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| Would you stay with someone who cant communicate or bores you?
Posted: 11/12/2007 5:14:58 PM | | I don't think I could last two weeks, let alone two years with someone who won't communicate! Boring is another subject altogether. I am rarely bored, but if someone is just downright boring to be with, again, I wouldn't have gotten involved in the first place. There's something to be said about getting to know a person and not rushing into things out of infatuation and attraction. | |
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