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 bzaru
Joined: 5/23/2012
Msg: 301
Why women wont date seperated menPage 13 of 14    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14)
I am a recently separated man and I signed up with POF, not to find a serious relationship, I'm simply not ready for that yet. I am just looking for companionship, someone to share my interests with and sex doesn't have to be a part of that. My separation is from a woman that I've been married to for 25 years. The real sad part about my situation is that, other than how well raised our children and shared family values, my wife and I have nothing else in common. We literally stayed together for the kids. It's really sad when one person in a relationship can't enjoy the things they love without anguish and no I don't want to, from the other partner. She likes non of my music, she likes very little foods (very finicky), doesn't eat meat anymore because of a stupid book she read, she doesn't like physical activity, she doesn't like to cook, her own family wonders about her, what's left? I don't want to sit around the house watching TV for the rest of my life, I'm 51 and haven't done a quarter of the things that I want to do.

Also, to address a point made in the comment above. I have nothing to prove with regard to finding a new love, I've been approached by many different women numerous times while married, the thing is that I don't cheat, I'm a True Virgo, I'm incapable of deceit and lies. It's simply NOT the RIGHT thing to do, it's WRONG! So here I am, 51 years old and VERY unhappy and my wife as well. I'm looking to find fun again, I had a taste of it once and want back!

So, if there are any women out there between the ages of 35 and 50 who want to spend QUALITY TIME with a really NICE, HONEST and SINCERE GUY for a some fun and adventure, please contact me via POF, thanks.
 organicquestionmark
Joined: 6/11/2011
Msg: 302
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Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 6/2/2012 11:33:41 AM
^^^^^^I don't understand??!!

I mean NO disrespect, whatsoever......I truly mean that...........SERIOUSLY! But I am often confused when I read profiles or thread posts similar to yours.......emphasizing "family values" and such.......and yet, you're getting (or are, in some cases) divorced?

I don't get it? Where's the shared "family value" in that?

Where the hell is a shared "family value" in divorce? Are you talking about a pizza coupon?
 nubeginnings64
Joined: 4/8/2012
Msg: 303
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Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 6/3/2012 7:31:55 AM
Why women wont date seperated men


Same reason why men will date separated women. Not thought of as wanting anything serious & who are interested in just having fun.

Stupid is believing women to be stupid & inexperienced at being separated. Last thing on their mind, after coming off a serious relationship & especially an unhappy one, was jumping back into another. Naive to think women wouldn't apply that same logic to separated men.
 nubeginnings64
Joined: 4/8/2012
Msg: 304
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Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 6/3/2012 7:47:04 AM
In my world, SEPERATED = STILL MARRIED, and I will not date a married man.


I assume the fear of getting emotionally involved with a man, they consider to be emotionally available, is a woman's first & foremost concern & has little to do with the moral issue of separated = still married.
 ForRumOnly
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 305
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Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 6/3/2012 8:13:30 AM
Many women will date separated men. Those that don't have made a choice that works for them, even if in the greater scheme of things a particular exception would end up being their ideal match eventually.

I never worried about it, or wasted time pursuing or trying to persuade those women to change their mind. There were too many other truly great prospects who would - and did - date me. I married one of them - my ideal match - right after my divorce was final.
 freespirited123
Joined: 5/6/2012
Msg: 306
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 6/7/2012 5:34:01 PM
I'm not going to delve into my own experiences in detail, but I'll just say it's a bad idea in my opinion, especially if they were together for a long time. You never know what can happen to bring them back together especially if they have a child together. A long shared history can be hard to compete with as well.

Oh and if anyone ever tells you that the reason they aren't filing divorce papers is because of money, that's b.s. I know that if I personally wanted to be out of something, I'd do anything to make that happen. That means I would find the money even if I had to go through one of those payday loan places or even a loan shark lol. I once knew a guy who had been through two foreclosures in the same year of his divorce, yet he still found the money. What does that tell you?
 jeep1127girl
Joined: 12/31/2009
Msg: 307
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 6/7/2012 6:47:17 PM
are you getting a divorce like soon? or have you been separated forever and have no plans on getting a divorce?
I date a guy who was separated but he was going thru the divorce, so I knew it was over way before I came along.
 notdating-forumsonly
Joined: 4/6/2012
Msg: 308
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 6/7/2012 7:26:25 PM

I assume the fear of getting emotionally involved with a man, they consider to be emotionally available, is a woman's first & foremost concern & has little to do with the moral issue of separated = still married.


Wrong IMO. I won't date someone who's separated for the simple fact that there are too many available men who have
gone through a divorce and have been on their own 2-3 years or so and have their life in order sts.

I also don't like the idea of someone being separated and jumping right out and dating. I don't care if they've been separated for 2 years etc.
 Luv_Lyfe
Joined: 7/19/2010
Msg: 309
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 6/7/2012 8:05:25 PM
I refuse to date separated women. They are not only still married but they are going through a crazy making time. Even after they are divorced I wait until they are seasoned and settled down into singlehood.
 AwesomeKisser
Joined: 11/1/2010
Msg: 310
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Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 6/7/2012 10:42:00 PM
I guess this is a resurrected old thread but also always relevant topic. I'll chime in because I am "separated"

I think every person and every situation is different. While there are many who haven't had a chance to move on and heal and are looking for some rebound sex and companionship there are others that aren't like that.

In my case, the relationship had been pretty much dead for years already and counselling before our separation actually made many things very clear. So I was healed and emotionally read to move on pretty quickly after the actual separation.

As for reconciliation, it does happen. It happens after divorce and it happens with people who had been in relationships but not married. It can happen to anyone. For myself, it will never happen. I want to be happy and have a fulfilling relationship with somebody so I would never go back to someone that made me unhappy and couldn't meet my needs. The whole point is to learn from it and move on and do better in the future.

As for the whole separated=married thing; whatever. That's an excuse you are using to simply justify your position. To me marriage is much more than a piece of paper. However, depending on where you live, tearing up that piece of paper can be a process that takes time.

Just because someone has been divorced for years or has never been married doesn't mean they have no baggage or have their baggage well packed and stowed away and that they live a drama free life. Everyone is unique and everyone's situation can be different.

It would be great if others could treat me with that attitude and judge me for who I am but I suppose they would rather make assumptions based on their preconceptions. That's fine. It's their loss and some more open minded woman will benefit by being open to a relationship with a really awesome guy.
 Daisyrose73
Joined: 9/23/2010
Msg: 311
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Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 6/8/2012 6:16:52 AM
Well I can see that for some a person being separated could be a red flag but sometimes it can work out well too. My fiance and myself were both separated when we met. I had been separated for 4 1/2 years when we met. We had not divorced right away so I could be on his health insurance and then I had some health issues and job issues with the economy that I could not afford the divorce. Neither my ex husband or I ever talked about reconciliation during that time of being separated and we were completely separated. I did not ask for his opinion on my life and he did not ask mine unless it was concerning our kids.

My fiance had been separated a year and his ex wife was engaged to another man. There were still some issues of his dependance on her opinion of things when we first met. We had a discussion about it. He immediately corrected it. There has been no more issues.

Currently, he is now divorced, mine will be final in a few weeks. We plan on marrying in August.

Other situations, like my best friend, she has been separated from her husband for the same amount of time that I was but she still lives with her ex. So while they sleep separate their lives are not separate. For a person such as that, I could understand why someone would not get involved with the person.
 ravenhair4u
Joined: 8/13/2011
Msg: 312
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Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 6/9/2012 3:57:12 PM
A separated man is a married man. I have also been given that line of BS so many times! We are separated but still live in the same house, we live separate lives, no you're still married. We are separated, we sleep in different bedrooms, no, still married dude. Married ppl don't belong on dating sites. Clean up your situation, get a divorce, then start dating.
 KatarzynaS
Joined: 1/17/2012
Msg: 313
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 6/9/2012 7:52:15 PM
Separated is not divorced. Well not divorced is still married for whatever reason make clear cut cut all the ties. Get a paper from the layer stating u r free man n then can date. Separated or not u still married
 KatarzynaS
Joined: 1/17/2012
Msg: 314
Why women wont date separated men
Posted: 6/9/2012 7:55:35 PM
abelian on 6/30/2010 1019 PM
Subject: Why women wont date separated men
Message:
So if you were to remarry in the future and your new spouse decided to have an have an affair... you wouldnt be upset right? After all your marriage is "just a piece of paper" and who gets upset over just a piece paper?

Uh, I don't even date women who date other guys. I'm not sure why the marriage license is going to be the factor in getting upset.


Agree agree agree n agree
 AwesomeKisser
Joined: 11/1/2010
Msg: 315
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Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 6/10/2012 12:12:09 AM

A separated man is a married man. I have also been given that line of BS so many times! We are separated but still live in the same house, we live separate lives, no you're still married. We are separated, we sleep in different bedrooms, no, still married dude. Married ppl don't belong on dating sites. Clean up your situation, get a divorce, then start dating.


Again with the generalizations and preconceptions. Just because some men lie does not mean all men do. Hey, some women lie. My ex lied to me all the time. Does that mean all women are liars too? I have been living in my own home for over a year and a half. If it weren't for the kids I would have absolutely no contact with my ex. I am not married. Period. End of story. My marriage was over a long time ago. If your definition of marriage hinges on a piece of paper that might be why you are single and still looking. Marriage is much more than a piece of paper. It is about two people caring about each other and sharing their lives. Plenty of people stay together but have no relationship. They are essentially room mates. Is that still a marriage?


Separated is not divorced. Well not divorced is still married for whatever reason make clear cut cut all the ties. Get a paper from the layer stating u r free man n then can date. Separated or not u still married


Have you been married? Gone through a divorce? It's not always a simple process. It's not like I can just file some papers, have them stamped and voila, I'm divorced. If I could have had divorce papers signed and done with I would have a long time ago. Where I live you have to be legally separated for at least a year before you can start the process. Then if there are issues to work out it can take some time.

So you are saying I should put my life on hold and not date and potentially be lonely for years because my ex wants to be unreasonable about a couple of things and refuse to sign papers? Well, thanks for that. I'm glad that your judgemental attitude means that myself and others like me should wait to live life and be happy.
 blueceleste
Joined: 6/2/2005
Msg: 316
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Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 6/10/2012 2:03:57 AM
who wants to date a separate man when he is clearly still legally married? same with a separate woman. i had my share of those in the past and always turned them down. i said let me know when ur divorced and single lmao they were ready to date i said u haven't gone thru the divorce nor the grieving moments geeez give urself time to think!
 AwesomeKisser
Joined: 11/1/2010
Msg: 317
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Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 6/10/2012 11:11:57 AM

who wants to date a separate man when he is clearly still legally married? same with a separate woman. i had my share of those in the past and always turned them down. i said let me know when ur divorced and single lmao they were ready to date i said u haven't gone thru the divorce nor the grieving moments geeez give urself time to think!


Again with the generalizations and assumptions. Everyone is different. Some people need years post divorce to grieve and find themselves again. Others don't. Some already went through part of the process before even splitting with their ex's. My point is that everyone is an individual and different and it would be nice if we could all judge people for who they are as individuals instead of lumping them into conveniently labeled boxes. But it is easier to label and box so that's what people do.

I can't speak for everyone but I know that for myself all grieving and coming to terms with the end of my marriage were done some time ago. I'm great with my marriage being over and excited to be moving on with my life a better and wiser person.

As for who would want to date a separated man or woman? Someone who is not judgemental and treats others as individuals. Someone who is open to the idea that the person for them might not fit in the exact box they envisioned or be exactly 100% perfect. Sure, I have a piece of paper that says I can't get married to someone else any time soon. But who is wanting to rush into marriage with me? If a lady is that eager then it's a red flag for me. I want to take some time to get to know someone and make sure we are right for each other. By the time we are ready to take next steps in our relationship my divorce will be final so it's all good.

At the risk of sounding arrogant, I am a great guy with a ton to offer a lady as her partner. If women want to pass me by just because the legal process hasn't finalized my "papers" yet then it's their loss.
 freespirited123
Joined: 5/6/2012
Msg: 318
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 6/10/2012 12:11:10 PM
Well at least you have taken the necessary steps of at least filing the papers and working through the grieving process. I think too many of us have been burned by inconsiderate ***holes who haven't even done that and they are not honest about how involved they still are with their exes. I think that is where a lot of the cynical attitude comes from. I know that I personally will not even think about a separated man again until I have proof that papers have been filed and involvement with the ex is only minimal due to children and no other reason.
 RadiantSpirit
Joined: 6/18/2011
Msg: 319
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 6/10/2012 12:18:14 PM
Yep same as what most have said COS HE IS MARRIED! End of story. I mean it may be the case that they haven't been together in years, but you will never know.
 chooseme22
Joined: 1/15/2012
Msg: 320
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 6/10/2012 1:26:12 PM
dont do it i wasted 6 years on one and still no divorce.
 That_girl*
Joined: 9/29/2008
Msg: 321
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 6/10/2012 1:56:44 PM
the same reason why some people are leery about driving a car that has a leaking gas tank..

UHHHHH need i paint the picture on how both of these situations are already on a bad start an could/can end up worse..
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 322
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Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 6/10/2012 2:21:48 PM

So you are saying I should put my life on hold and not date and potentially be lonely for years because my ex wants to be unreasonable about a couple of things and refuse to sign papers? Well, thanks for that. I'm glad that your judgemental attitude means that myself and others like me should wait to live life and be happy.

I don't know what the other poster is saying, but I'll chime in: I'm not saying you should put your life on hold and be miserable for years. How about giving up on the silly stuff you two are bickering about?? It takes two to bicker. If you think she's being unreasonable? Why don't you be reasonable?? Tell the Courts that you're done, she can have what she wants and you are a free man. (And yes Sir, I lost my arse in my divorce, but guess what? I remade the money I lost. Why was I willing to just walk away? Because you can remake money and buy new "stuff", you can't get back time.) Do it how you wish, but don't expect women to "understand" why you're being just as unreasonable as your ex because you're still one part of a two parted problem. And I'm not being judgmental, I've been there ~ I know that if one person TRULY wants out? There's not a Judge alive that would say, "Sorry Charlie, you have to stay married, even though you're giving him/her what they want!" Doesn't work that way. (And for me? Separated certainly isn't an option and I'm even a little more hard-nosed than others. I've been single 12 years. I prefer those who've at least hit the 5-10 years divorced mark. But that's just me ~ I like the idea that John Doe and I have that in common, sort of like my clause on no-hunters ~ been there, did it, a nice Judge says I don't have to live with that "hobby" again. Bless that Judge's heart anyway!) I see no reason for you to take offense to the ladies who aren't into separated men (or hunters, or gamblers, or men who have blue eyes for that matter. Just move along to those who don't care what your "status" is.) JMO
 AwesomeKisser
Joined: 11/1/2010
Msg: 323
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Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 6/10/2012 5:53:49 PM

I don't know what the other poster is saying, but I'll chime in: I'm not saying you should put your life on hold and be miserable for years. How about giving up on the silly stuff you two are bickering about?? It takes two to bicker. If you think she's being unreasonable? Why don't you be reasonable?? Tell the Courts that you're done, she can have what she wants and you are a free man. (And yes Sir, I lost my arse in my divorce, but guess what? I remade the money I lost. Why was I willing to just walk away? Because you can remake money and buy new "stuff", you can't get back time.) Do it how you wish, but don't expect women to "understand" why you're being just as unreasonable as your ex because you're still one part of a two parted problem. And I'm not being judgmental, I've been there ~ I know that if one person TRULY wants out? There's not a Judge alive that would say, "Sorry Charlie, you have to stay married, even though you're giving him/her what they want!" Doesn't work that way.


Well, I won't get into details but lets just say that it isn't an issue of disagreeing on a number of silly things but one main issue that she refuses to even discuss let alone be reasonable about. It can actually take one to bicker as I actually did try to engage her in a discussion about it to come to some arrangement several times but she absolutely refused to discuss anything and decided to retaliate against my desire to have an adult discussion by litigating. I suppose I could just give in but:

a) That would set a bad precedent in terms of working together regarding kids in the future. If I do just cave and give her whatever she wants then I will be dealing with her expectation of that for years to come. I am not trying to be difficult or do anything unfair or spiteful but simply want to look at the situation in terms of both what is fair and what the law says. I want a respectful, honest and fair working relationship and that has to go both ways and be established from the get go or I will have an uphill battle in the future.

b) It probably will come down to court and letting a judge decide as you say and I am pretty confident that it will end up as I intended in the first place as it is according to the law. The thing is, the courts are so backlogged we don't have a court date until mid December so things are likely to be settled then and papers can then be finalized etc. So the process is underway and I can't speed it up unless she decides to come to the table willing to talk and negotiate.


I see no reason for you to take offense to the ladies who aren't into separated men


Oh, I don't take offence at women who won't date separated men. That's their choice and they have the freedom to make it. What does bother me is the dogmatic assumptions and assertions that all "separated" people have issues and haven't grieved and might go back to their ex's etc. Or separated = married or what have you. It's overly judgemental. I get that some people lie about their situations and maybe aren't as separated as they lead others to believe or are married and looking for some on the side or whatever. But that's not everyone. I am upfront and honest about my situation. I don't live with my ex and we don't maintain a relationship other then trying to co-parent.

It's basically like saying that all Germans were Nazis and supported genocide or that all men are liars looking for sex and then they won't call or all women are manipulative gold diggers. You can label and generalize all you want based on a few bad experiences or people but in reality those labels don't apply to entire groups of people.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 324
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Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 6/10/2012 6:15:15 PM

Well, I won't get into details but lets just say that it isn't an issue of disagreeing on a number of silly things but one main issue that she refuses to even discuss let alone be reasonable about. It can actually take one to bicker as I actually did try to engage her in a discussion about it to come to some arrangement several times but she absolutely refused to discuss anything and decided to retaliate against my desire to have an adult discussion by litigating. I suppose I could just give in but:

Hate to point out the obvious, but if you were both willing to communicate? You'd likely not be getting a divorce. I do know what your saying and it was the same silliness when I'd had enough of a dead marriage. Like you pointed out early on? I had mourned the loss for years before I decided we were truly done. He moved out (unwillingly, but he did do it.) I filed for divorce and it began. From fighting over the dogs ashes (and the dog was still alive, mind you....so silly!!! to all sorts of other stuff.) And then one day? I just looked around and thought, "Hmmm....Christmas is Dec. 25th. Thanksgiving is the third Thursday of the November. My birthday is during bear hunting season......" etc. And that was the stuff we were disagreeing over. So? I amended the parenting agreement which gave up EVERY single holiday but one. I kept Valentines Day. Not for me. Because I knew my son would have women in his life and that would be the ONE day no one "spoke" for his time. You may be speaking finances, you may be speaking holidays, you may be talking about something totally non-related. But I'll say this, my ex was unreasonable, greedy, even mean sometimes. Often times in fact. BUT? I made a good faith effort to NEVER talk bad about him, to never make our son take sides, to never take time away from him that I felt my son wanted. My son died at age 23. Guess what? When you plan a funeral? None of this silly shit (please excuse my language) matters. When you lose a child? You NEED to be friends, if nothing less than friendly. And all of this stuff means nada. You can fight for principle, you can think you're being noble and that a precedence is set if you "give in." But the truth is? In the end? Our children know who made the effort. Who stopped the silliness. Who wanted to just love them no matter what day it was, what holiday came a day or two too later or too early than other people's holidays. They also know who gave in so that the strife would end. Not meaning to lecture, but once in a while, it seems there is a reasonable person here in an unreasonable situation and I wonder to myself, "What if I would have dug in my heels for principle?" What if I had not been his friend for 10 years post-divorce prior to the loss? How on earth would we have gotten through that as a unit? Because you are a unit when planning a funeral, like it or not? Today? We aren't friends. I no longer "owe" anyone that, especially him. Now I can be angry and mad. I'd likely still be taking a "backseat" had life played out differently, but guess what? I'd still be happy just knowing I was the person who said, "We'll do it your way because you can't take what he and I have." Do it how you wish. But as an eternal parent? I'll tell you ~ the silliness means nothing when all is said and done. Good luck to ya.
 jmark4
Joined: 7/3/2011
Msg: 325
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 6/10/2012 7:19:59 PM
because they are still married and stats show 25% get back together.

It takes time to mourn from something like that and to get your bearings back so to be a rebound for a marriage is not a good thing.

I would never date a separated person. ever.
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