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 SisterHavana
Joined: 10/14/2006
Msg: 51
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Why women wont date seperated menPage 3 of 14    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14)
Separated = still legally married. I want no part of that. Talk to me when the divorce is final.
 sweetblueyedarling
Joined: 9/30/2005
Msg: 52
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Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 11/15/2007 9:54:34 PM
Atitude man....meet the lovely bridg317....problem solved!
 sweetblueyedarling
Joined: 9/30/2005
Msg: 53
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Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 11/15/2007 10:04:50 PM
Atitude man....meet the lovely bridg317....problem solved!
 leggypack
Joined: 11/9/2007
Msg: 54
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 11/16/2007 6:01:37 AM
It's funny/odd to me to have found this thread. I would have no issue dating a seperated man and may perhaps seek that sort of relationship. This is not for casual sex but because I just left a partnership with my soulmate. However, i recently met a man who just finalized his divorce 2 months ago and I am so conflicted. I adore him, thus far, he is everything I wanted in a man and then some. I am well aware that I will be rebound girl but I dont want to give up the time i will be able to spend with him while he "recovers." Besides, I keep hoping I'll find him inherently annoying the way I find most men and move on from this infatuation.
 anyoneoutthier
Joined: 3/19/2007
Msg: 55
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 11/16/2007 11:28:44 AM
Its not only women that wont date separated men wont allso, I wont for sure.
 zentral
Joined: 10/30/2005
Msg: 56
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Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 11/16/2007 11:40:43 AM
There are many reasons, UN-reasons, and preferences, but for some women it may well come down to the fact that she has no shot at his assets!
 Jewlsey
Joined: 12/21/2006
Msg: 57
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 11/17/2007 10:38:11 AM
Zental,
It's called a pre-nuptial agreement - look into it. I believe posters are talking about "emotionally" available people in not wanting to date "separated" people.
Jewlsey
 Red_N_Blue
Joined: 10/1/2007
Msg: 58
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 MCTchick
Joined: 6/12/2007
Msg: 59
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 11/17/2007 11:16:50 AM
I have no problem dating separated men. I have been waiting for a couple of years for my divorce to be final. My ex's has had issues with his lawyers that have been holding it up. I consider myself single and divorced. So should i be waiting until i am officially divorced before i start to get on with my life. To me that is a huge waste.I wouldn't want to miss the chance at finding my "soul mate" just because of a piece of paper.
 Red_N_Blue
Joined: 10/1/2007
Msg: 60
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Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 11/17/2007 11:50:08 AM

I have no problem dating separated men. I have been waiting for a couple of years for my divorce to be final.

Maybe because u were in the same boat?
 Who.Me
Joined: 8/26/2007
Msg: 61
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 11/17/2007 12:03:53 PM
I have dated a few separated men...and NEVER will again....

When things start to progress they pull away stating their not ready. Sometimes they will reconcile with their wife...

There is no winning in this situtation.
 cowtippingmomma
Joined: 11/7/2007
Msg: 62
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 11/17/2007 1:59:21 PM
No...No....No....No... separated men are still married, anybody thats taken by another is off limits. That includes separated,engaged,long term etc.. that means in my book anyway, hands off
 Mr Fahrenheit
Joined: 8/16/2007
Msg: 63
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 11/17/2007 2:20:40 PM
I'm just curious... so someone who is only separated for 30 years is still more likely to reconcile with their ex than someone who has been legally divorced for 3 with only a 1 - 2 year separation?

What about common-law spouses? What happens with them?

Damn that I decided to let my ex have that wedding she always wanted. If we would have just done the common-law thing, we coulda just walked away and never had to worry about divorce. I'd just be single now. But I guess just being separated, it's a valid excuse to never get married again. Once the divorce papers are final, I'll actually have to admit that legal marriage just isn't going to happen again.
 p-trishTHEdish
Joined: 8/3/2007
Msg: 64
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 11/17/2007 3:47:32 PM
see thats wrong. many women would go out with you. its just that they dont expect to get invested with you.
separated isnt meant to be a time for play. its actually meant as a time for reflection and hopefully to heal whats wrong and then take your a$$ on home. most ppl dont look at it that way. but for women who you want to date, no one in their right mind is going to seriously date you for the long term, cuz at some point, we are either the rebound chick or you will eventually get homesick and go home.
as far as the profile goes, i would list divorce and in ther profile put a short explanation of the situation. recently separated,, papers filed, waiting for the final divorce decree.. something to let the reader know whats up.
 CSIN
Joined: 5/28/2007
Msg: 65
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 11/17/2007 6:38:54 PM
Marriage is an oath/vow/contract entered in between two people to be honored by everyone and sanctioned by their higher power. It is a promise to be with only one person until death!

Common law marriage is reconized still in some states as the oath taken in front of many others and their higher power.

Dating or going steady can mean the same to some people as marriage or common law marriage or shacking.
 Mr Fahrenheit
Joined: 8/16/2007
Msg: 66
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 11/17/2007 7:59:10 PM
separated isnt meant to be a time for play. its actually meant as a time for reflection and hopefully to heal whats wrong and then take your a$$ on home.

Well, the way it worked for me was that the 3 months leading up to my separation was the reflection period. My ex suggested we do a trial separation and I flat out told her, "If I'm not good enough for you now, then I never will be again. Once it's over, it's over, forever." The year and a half that followed... yes, that time was spent healing. But as I say... once we made the decision to split, it was final. I had already made up my mind that there would never be a "home" to return to that included her.

as far as the profile goes, i would list divorce and in ther profile put a short explanation of the situation. recently separated,, papers filed, waiting for the final divorce decree.. something to let the reader know whats up.

I think it's easier just telling the truth. If I have to spend my time explaining myself to potential partners, then that is a clear indication that they are not the right person for me. I do however understand what you're saying. People who look at the separation period as being a time to get yourself together so you can get back together would obviously have a different view of my status than I do. I'm sure you can tell by my profile that I'm not overly concerned about who passes me by, at this point in time, regardless of what my marital status is set to.
 p-trishTHEdish
Joined: 8/3/2007
Msg: 67
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 11/18/2007 10:35:50 AM
I do however understand what you're saying<<<
apparently not.
in the traditional sence of separation, its was originally intended as i said.
telling the truth as you said, is the same as what i said about indication of certain things on a profile.
that someone would have a traditional only view of separation its the most pragmatic thing to give a short "heads up" on a profile. which is not the seemingly exhausting act of explaining yourself to potential partners as you made it out to be.
 theforumfiend
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 68
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Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 11/18/2007 10:45:00 AM
Mr Fahrenheit, I heard the same thing. There was no way he’d reconcile – until she convinced the kids that this time she is changed and the only thing keeping them from being a happy family was daddy. They begged for months. He said he didn’t want to go back to her, but he finally couldn't take seeing the kids hurt. I don’t like it, but he had to do what was right for him.

The thing is that it happens and it happens A LOT. This is why women hesitate or refuse to date separated men.
 anenigma
Joined: 2/3/2006
Msg: 69
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Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 11/18/2007 11:44:50 AM
As difficult as it is to read your post...as much as I can surmise...
I will chime in and give my .02 about why a woman may not date a separated man.

I did once..back when I was 26. He had been separated for 4 months. It was ironically the BEST relationship I ever had...in that we got along great in every sense. We were on the same page on many life issues, morals, standards, likes/dislikes, and had an immense attraction to each other...................BUT.....

When his 'wife' who was living somewhere else at the time caught wind that he had a new girlfriend (me)...she would beckon him back and he would GO back. Being an incredibly mature 26 yr old, I might add...I would tell him "Go, go back to her and try and fix your marriage....that's important and I understand" and I'd simply say "If I'm still single when you decide to really end it, by all means, call me"....

This went on for 5 months. She'd beckon when she heard some tidbit about me, then he'd go...then she'd dump him again...and I would take him back...(I didn't 'commit' to him fully, kept my options open, but he was my 1st choice) It'd happen about once every 3 weeks or so...then he'd end up calling me....and I'd take him back. He had actually told me he "Loved me"??? (but he'd go back to her??...yeah OK, I believe that one).....so after the 5th month, once while we were out seeing my BFF's fiance' play in his band, I met 'my ex'.

Yup, was out with J...and met my ex.
The rational part of me thought this;

J is still going back to his wife, whenever she beckons. I take J back. Now I'm starting to really fall for J. I think I could 'love' J. But "M" my ex...he's single, available, ready and willing to be in a relationship...has a great job, responsible, owns a home, etc......
I had a choice to make. Stick with J, whom I really was falling in love with, or start anew with M who I COULD fall in love with...

I chose M.
After 5 months of his uncertainty and going back to HER...I decided I'm NOT going to be ONE OF THOSE WOMEN who waits forever for the guy she LOVES to divorce his wife.
So, I ended it with J.

More ironically....about 6 months later J finally stopped going back to her. They did indeed get their divorce!! Looking back on it, in MY SITUATION, had I waited J and I might still be together...but it was a RISK I wasn't willing to take with my biological clock ticking.....M and I ended up together for a total of 5 yrs, had a son....and I left him for cheating on me.

Moral to the story;
It's a RISK too often NOT worth taking. Who wants to be second? Who wants to worry about the other spouse BECKONING or your chosen partner going back to their spouse for any reason??? In retrospect, as 'mature' as I was...it started to hurt that he went back to her repeatedly. All the time he and I had spent together, I was falling in love...but there were 'strings' attached. Unresolved matters...like a WIFE. And I couldn't compete with that....didn't want to.

I'll never take that risk again. Even though they did get divorced, it hurt too much for him to leave me to go back to her.....and it wasn't worth it.

That's why some of women won't date a married man. And yes...'married'. Separated is a bullshiit word. You're either married or you're NOT. I've seen too many 'separated men who haven't cut their ties...once you DO get that piece of paper signed, it's at least legally over. With all the single people out there, why risk your heart with a person who hasn't fully let go??? I know I don't want to 'worry' in the back of my mind that he just might go back to her (considering they haven't signed any papers) and leave me high and dry.
Not worth it one bit~!

So, I say to the majority of the separated people out there (and I understand there are extreme circumstances that could delay a divorce) GET YOUR SITUATION RESOLVED. LEGALLY, EMOTIONALLY, PHYSICALLY, ETC...Before you start meddling with the hearts and minds of those of us who are divorced and have severed the ties. Do your legal stuff and emotional stuff before you start messing with the hearts of those who are truly ready for a relationship and finding a life long romance/partner.

 TillyToo
Joined: 10/3/2007
Msg: 70
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 11/18/2007 2:31:42 PM
There are several threads running on this very same subject, it's not just women who won't date seperated, the same goes for men too. I find it strange that people make the distinction. It's a personal preference as in most things. I just find it odd that people mis-trust those who state "seperated" on their profile, but not those who state "single" or "divorced" We can never know who is being honest and who is not. Some will state single or divorced when in fact they're still married, we have no way of knowing. As previous posters have said, you can always reconcile with an Ex, whether you're divorced or not. I arranged to meet a guy who said he was divorced but during conversation said that "we live seperate lives, but still share the same house" Needless to say I left shortly after discovering this. Having been on the receiving end of this kind of deception, I had no intention of helping to inflict it on someone else.
I have been seperated for almost 6 years and have no intention of reconcilliation. It states that clearly on my profile. All you can hope for is that whoever you date is well and truly over their last relationship, as divorced people can still be bitter and/or angry if the break has been fairly recent.
as for :
"So, I say to the majority of the separated people out there (and I understand there are extreme circumstances that could delay a divorce) GET YOUR SITUATION RESOLVED. LEGALLY, EMOTIONALLY, PHYSICALLY, ETC...Before you start meddling with the hearts and minds of those of us who are divorced and have severed the ties. Do your legal stuff and emotional stuff before you start messing with the hearts of those who are truly ready for a relationship and finding a life long romance/partner"
Being seperate as opposed to divorced doesn't mean you're about to start messing with the feelings of others. That's a matter of honesty, not marital condition.
As I've said in a previous thread plenty of people move onto meaningful lasting relationships without having one piece of paper that says you're divorced and another that says you're married. A "situation" can be emotionally and physically resolved without being divorced. It's all a matter of preference.
 37heidi
Joined: 6/6/2007
Msg: 71
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 11/18/2007 5:21:05 PM
I do not date seperated men mainly because I have in the past and got hurt because they are not in the stage that I am in. I want a serious relationship. I want to remarry someday. I want to be faithful and devoted to a man. Usually when a man comes out of a marriage (and this is true for women as well) they are no where near to wanting to remarry and be committed to someone. They usually want more space, freedom to date around and find themselves again. People need a recovery period. In general men that are seperated or fresh out of a devorce do not have the same relationship goals as I do. I been devorced for 12 years now. I am at the stage that i really want to be serious with someone and settle down and in general seperated men do not want that.
 Mr Fahrenheit
Joined: 8/16/2007
Msg: 72
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 11/19/2007 3:52:41 PM

There was no way he’d reconcile – until she convinced the kids that this time she is changed and the only thing keeping them from being a happy family was daddy. They begged for months. He said he didn’t want to go back to her, but he finally couldn't take seeing the kids hurt. I don’t like it, but he had to do what was right for him

So how do you know it was a separated thing and not a single father thing? Sounds to me that without the kids he woulda stayed away. Have you ever thought that perhaps not dating men with children is the better solution?
 Urs Truly
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 73
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Why women wont date separated men
Posted: 11/19/2007 4:07:40 PM
Well I don't date separated men because they are still married .... He is still married in my book and married men are taboo to me.. Divorced me well they have to have been divorced for some time maybe two years who knows, because recently they are still in the stage of I can't believe she divorced me ! They haven't healed yet and let go of the pain....
 BeginToday
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 74
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 11/19/2007 5:25:03 PM
The original poster (OP), atitude man, wrote an ungrammatical hodgepodge (no offense, OP) that translates, roughly, as follows:
I'm frustrated that women on PoF won't date separated men, yet separated women WILL date single men; why do they (the women) take such hypocritical stances and judge separated people who are on the road to divorce?


What I find extraordinarily fascinating (as well as deeply disturbing :frustrated: ) is the carte-blanche bigotry displayed by so many nay-sayers of separated people.

To clear the air, I'm separated. There's nothing (that I'm aware of) in my situation that correlates to the comments made so far in this thread:

* [u]I'm not newly separated[/u]; it's been 6 years and I've had my time apart to grieve, heal, and discover myself as an unattached person.

* [u]There's no drama [/u]; we haven't communicated AT ALL in the last 3 of these past 6 years.

* In Pennsylvania, there are [u]4 related areas[/u] that are treated individually by the courts: divorce, property, custody, and child-support; [u]we settled the other 3 of those 4 within the first 6 months of our separation[/u] so there's just no dangling remnant of possibility in the realm of reconcilliation; emotionally and in every other area, we're done.

* The [u]filing[/u] for divorce [u]is a standoff[/u] situation: she won't file for religious reasons :angel" (puh-LEEZE!) and I hadn't filed for financial reasons (threat of alimony).

Why should I put my money at risk in order to make myself appear[/u] as eligible as I already am? I'm healed... comfortable with myself... emotionally available... not a player... honest enough to list my legal status which, in my case, has absolutely nothing to do with my ACTUAL state of being.

The only thing I can't legally do TODAY is run right out and get married. And the only people that ought to be bothered by that single limitation is -- you guessed it -- those who are interested in rushing into another marriage!

What's the rush, people?

Whatever happened to the idea that a date is just a get-together to meet someone and get to know them better? What ever happened to the idea that if things start to click, communication between the couple is the only way to anticipate long-term viability?

Whatever happened to the people who aren't so quick to label :frustrated: and stereotype a person based on a one-word description ("separated"), one word that almost everyone will agree covers a wide range of situational possibilities?

With that disclosure and mini-rant, I feel ready to offer a strong criticism toward those of you who feel so smug about pre-judging separated people without even asking about their situation -- shame, Shame, SHAME on you for your prejudice!

Labeling people with convenient one-word terms ("separated"), then generalizing about them and stereotyping them as if they ALL belong to the same mold (untrustworthy, desperate, baggage-laden, etc.) is just small-minded and shallow.

Don't like what I'm saying? If it doesn't apply to you then feel GOOD about yourself as not belonging to that mix, but... if what I'm saying DOES accurately characterize your outlook and tendencies then I say it again: shame on you!

For those of you to whom this criticism does NOT apply: thank you for your open-minded demeanor, and best-wishes in your search for the kind of person and relationship you most desire!

For those to whom this criticism DOES apply: you're probably not even reading this far but... on the off-chance that you are (which would be MY bad; sorry!)... it's not to late to relinquish your prejudice and to behave more fairly toward others. The choice, however, is entirely yours... when would [u]now[/u] be a good time to treat others fairly?
 BeginToday
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 75
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 11/19/2007 5:27:22 PM
sigh... i wish PoF offered a preview so that markup-mistakes like mine, above, could be avoided
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