| Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 12/29/2007 10:31:12 PM | I agree 100%. I have been separated from my wife of 18 years for the last two. She wanted to stay on my insurance until the end of the year. There was no fighting or arguing. We are not sexually involved with one another. We do have a child and we are still friends. Yes it can be done.
Not having divorce papers has cost me more than one date. If it came down to seeing a lady who was upset about that, then I made the choice that she was not worth it. What I mean is she was not worth loosing a friend,(ex-wife) to see the other. If anyone is interested, my divorce will be final in Jan 08.
call me crazy. | |
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| Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 12/30/2007 6:30:54 AM | I was separated once. Sorry I *personally* don't buy all that "for insurance", "kids" etc reasons. So what, because of insurance one plans to stay legally married to their separated spouse forever? 5 years? 10 years? 15 years? Forever?
To me it's trying to sit on 2 chairs at once. Sooner or later you loose your balance and fall. JMO. | |
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| Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 12/31/2007 1:14:51 PM | I'm separated too and have been for the last four months. Although I would say that my marriage died long before ex and I sold the house and went our separate ways.
Like you, I see myself as effectively 'single and divorced' because I have no plans to reconcile with my ex, and while I can't speak for her, I suspect that she has no plans to reconcile either.
So I agree it is a waste of time to put yourself on 'hold' while waiting for the divorce papers to be filed and a decree issued by the court.
As for the old shibboleth that people should spend a year of grieving, healing etc. before even trying to date, look at all the people out there who get divorced - and never really even begin the process. Or get past it. The prime symptom of people in that boat is a tendency to bash their ex every and any chance they get, as publicly as they can.
As for someone saying they won't date someone because they might be on the rebound, well, that seems a trifle silly to me - unless he or she knows without a doubt they are ready for and desirous of marriage and nothing else.
I say that because in any relationship there is always the chance that the other party, on the rebound or not, could decide that you're not the right one for him or her - and move on.
In other words, being on the rebound isn't necessarily and always a sign that dating that person is going to end in disaster. Some people do break up with their spouses, start dating someone else and gradually develop a long-term relationship with the new person.
The whole divorced/separated dichotomy is a little like the the insolvency/bankruptcy thing. Insolvency is a financial status, while bankruptcy is the legal one. Although one could always joke a little and say (depending on whether support payments have to be made) that divorce is both a financial and a legal status!
At least I won't lead anyone on into thinking I'm ready for a serious relationship. Nor will I say I'm divorced when I'm separated. And if you don't want to date me because I'm separated, fine. Just don't tell me I have no business dating until I've done the necessary grieving, penance etc. that *you* think I should be doing. | |
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| Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 12/31/2007 1:41:43 PM | "If it came down to seeing a lady who was upset about that, then I made the choice that she was not worth it. What I mean is she was not worth loosing a friend,(ex-wife) to see the other. If anyone is interested, my divorce will be final in Jan 08.
call me crazy."
Sounds like you and the ex still need each other. I think it's great, but you should expect to be turned down. Alot of women, myself included take care of their own finances, insurance included. If you made the choice the potential date wasn't worth it, I'm sure the potential date found you to be undateable. It happens...... | |
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| Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 12/31/2007 2:02:34 PM |
As for someone saying they won't date someone because they might be on the rebound, well, that seems a trifle silly to me
People will believe what they want. Explaining variables to black and white thinkers is a waste of time. They really don't care. And ultimately, what difference does it make to any of us how they choose to live their lives? So what if a woman won't date me because I'm separated? Ooooh! Now I'll have to watch football instead of shopping for 3 hours to buy one blouse! Oh woe is me! Whatever shall I do? | |
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| Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 1/3/2008 2:58:46 PM | | BlueEyedCharmer, you spoke the words for me! Thank you! And ThatGuyHim, agreed...there are black and white thinkers and then those of us with a clue!! Just kidding...(!) Really, I am sorry but I'd much rather be with someone who is friends with their spouse than someone who hates them! More likely that they aren't a complete creep, right? Why should you throw away years of friendship just for a date?? And I'm sorry, but yes, to me it makes sense to stay married before cutting someone off of their insurance benefits, not completely wreaking havoc on the kids, etc. Again...just not so black and white to me! | |
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| Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 1/3/2008 3:30:05 PM | I dated a seperated man for nearly 7 months
Had a great relationship going or so i thought
Then his children got into his computer and informed his soon to be ex wife he was seeing me
She gave him so much grief about it i was dumped by text message
maybe he just used that as an excuse maybe he just wanted to dump me
I was getting fed up listening to him telling me about all the nasty things his soon to be ex wife was doing to him
I was divorced no problems and no grief shame i had to take his i gave him support but didn't seem to realise it so i'll try not to fall for seperated man again
New years resoluation stay away from complicated men !!!! | |
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| Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 1/3/2008 3:42:14 PM | Being separated means one is still married...both legally and emotionally. I have been divorced for many years and I want the same from anyone I might date. Not only is he available, he has also gone through the post divorce adjustment period, and hopefully learned from the mistakes of his last marriage. 
By the way, where did you learn to spell? | |
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| Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 1/3/2008 3:52:24 PM | | I am legally separated and I have no problem dating men with the same status. I am emotionally available with no baggage and eager to find love again. The reason I am not divorced is because my husband decided to leave and I am not paying for his error in judgement. It was his decision, and he is going to pay for all legal costs. So far he has not done so. When he does I will be happy to sign the divorce papers. I certainly would pay for the costs if I met the right man though. So please don't assume that being separated = ambivalence. Not so in my case. | |
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| Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 1/3/2008 3:55:51 PM | There's a reason why most single women won't date "separated" men, and it's likely the same reason most single men won't date "separated" women...
THE DIVORCE AIN'T OVER YET!
I'm a lawyer. I know marital dissolution takes time. Mostly the time is due to the parties stalling, wanting more money, fighting over a coffe pot or a 401(k). But the fact is, until the judge signs the final order, a party is still married to the person from whom he/she is separated.
That's why single people do not date separated people. Get it? It's not rocket science. | |
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ams42
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Joined: 3/12/2006
Msg: 162 | |
| Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 1/3/2008 8:08:41 PM | I think the main thing with dating a "separated" person is: are they still in love with their spouse? Is there a lot of bad feelings towards the spouse? Are they still living in the same house with the spouse? Are they "legally separated"?
When I became legally separated from my exhusband, my attorney told me I was on my own. I had stayed in my marriage longer than I should have. I stayed due to lack of self esteem. We lived "separately" for 5 years in the same house.
But, I waited until my divorce became finalized before I started dating. I think that there isn't any true time schedule you need to follow in order to date after a failed relationship.
Because I'm a woman that prefers to date only one man.....looking for a long term relationship, I want a man who's "free" of any previous marriage. Single, divorced or widowed may apply.......no married or separated ones. The separated can apply once their divorce is finalized. | |
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| Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 3/30/2008 5:08:44 PM | | stephka Not all men who are seperated lie about there situation. I have been seperated for two years now. When i say that i mean from the day i moved out. Not everyone tells the truth and that makes it harder for people to trust. | |
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| Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 6/1/2008 6:14:58 AM | There are many reasons why men and women are separated and looking to hook up with someone. Some are valid...some are convience. Some are honest about it and some are not. Its an individual thing ...and some forms of separation are better tolerated than others. One thing I am just as suspect of is the divorced man who still has pictures of his ex everywhere or in places like the bedroom. . or the person who talks about the past relationship too often than the acceptable just in passing..
What can happen is someone can get hurt. But dating divorced men can result in the same. Most divorced men have hidden issues that dont come to light until its too late to get away without at least a bit of separation hurt. And divorced men have past girl friends also...that they go back to.
Everyone wants company in some form. They want the sex and the new-ness and excitment. They want someone who wants to and does look nice. Someone to smile when they open the door. Company...re assurance that they are still desirable....
You can say separated men are a hurt waiting to happen....but that is not limited to the separated person. Divorced men do their own share of spreading their pain to others.
I just figure...if I find someone to be with for a while that is the most one can hope for.
After 4 years I have learned......few divorced men really want another wife.....and that is ultimately what most women want.....bottom line..its poor odds for the single woman who is wanting to be married again.
t | |
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| Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 6/1/2008 7:09:52 AM | I won't date seperated men for the simple reason I have been burned by them, more than once.
Is called unfinished business.
Take care of it completely and then talk to me. | |
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| Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 6/1/2008 7:24:21 AM | I'm divorced, have been for over 4 years now... I don't choose to date separated men. In my mind, they are STILL married, and in my moral-book, its cheating, and wrong. It doesn't matter the circumstances or the situation, married is married, no matter how you try to twist or bend it...
The other thing that comes to mind, is the fact that a person who is separated isn't ready to begin a new chapter of life, since they are not finished with their prior obligations to the previous chapter.
If a guy/gal has her act together, then usually they will look for someone else at the same place in life they are. I'm sure there are a lot of great people who are stuck in that gap between married and divorced, however, I think its not right to their previous person, the prospective person, nor their own self.
CowTrucker
Chapman, Kansas | |
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| Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 6/1/2008 7:33:29 AM |
Why wont women on this site date seperated men but yet they are seperated and will only date single men with this mantality what makes them think single men want to date seperated women when in fact it should not make a difference to anyone after all are we not all on here to meet someone is that not the point of a dating site . And maybe they havent gotten their devorce yet so how can they state single on there profile when in fact they are still legaly married .seperated men are single but with a piece of paper that makes them wait for the big D! You can't spell, you have bad grammar and punctuation skills. That's for starters.
I think a better question would be "why do men who cannot spell or write post on a forum and then expect women to want to date them, while they are not even date able". | |
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| Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 6/1/2008 7:36:22 AM | | If you're married, then you aren't single again until after the divorce. Sorry, you can try to convince yourself otherwise, but that's a fact. | |
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| Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 6/1/2008 7:44:36 AM | Let's be real - and this isn't a sexist generalization -- but most men who are fresh out of any relationship (marriage, non-marriage) are quick to jump into another one - to fill the void. So while they give you this big story about how their marriage is over and they're never going back, his ex wife was "this and that", let's face it -- the guy is like let loose in a candy store.........looking for fun, exciting, new, instant companionship. More often than not they're not even living in reality........they're caught in the excitement of someone/something new. They haven't even begun to process their real feelings about the demise of their relationship. Even though they don't realize it, they're looking for an instant quick-fix (new woman). They're on the rebound. All of this is SO NOT a healthy foundation to start a relationship on. It's a recipe for disaster. When the newness of the new relationship wears off, as they always do, then reality hits; and then they're often torn -- do they go back? do they try to reconcile? how do they deal with the feelings they still have for the woman they have a history with? maybe children with? they walked down the aisle with her? they had so many dreams together? to grow old together? Then he's a torn, emotional mess, even if it's not obvious on the outside.
Then of course there's the dudes who have a fight with their wife, they leave and go stay with a friend, and start surfing around on dating sites as "single" or "separated" when in reality, they'll likely patch things up and be back home next weekend.
As someone who's been separated and divorced, I know that the end of a marriage (no matter whose fault) is something to deal with and process.............and jumping back into something else is not the way to properly to do it. I didn't do it when I was separated, because it wasn't "right" to me and I need to be with someone who's of the same mindset.
Deal with your baggage and don't go looking to bring someone new into the drama because inevitably, there will be drama - that's a given. The soon-to-be-ex finds out the guy is dating someone, she flips out and wants him back, the games begin -- or she turns real mean and uses the kids as pawns........who needs all that Jerry Springer stuff? End your marriage if you must -- get separated -- take the time you need to examine your part in the demise of your marriage --- get your divorce, spend a few months processing that and grieving the loss of your marriage --- and THEN look to date and make a new beginning. That's the only fair way to do it.
And if anyone on this site is 'separated' but passing their status off as 'single', you're a total a$$hole, male or female...........and you're already starting things off based on a lie. | |
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| Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 6/1/2008 7:44:41 AM | OP...
9 times out of 10, every time I dated a separated man, he hadn't been separated that long, didn't like being alone, joined the personals just so he wouldn't have to be, and was nowhere near ready for a longterm relationship when he was just getting out of one.
I really believe we need about a year after the divorce (not the separation) to sort of figure out who we are as a single person, get over any residual feelings of love/hurt/anger we might still hold toward our ex, and solidify what it really is we want before we can truly move on to someone else.
I've gotten involved with men who were separated only to find out they had no idea what they wanted yet. And, I was the one who got hurt. So, it's very difficult to take a chance on the next guy who tells me he's more than ready, it's been over for a while, he's completely over her, is looking for longterm, or anything else he might say. I'm not willing to risk my heart again that way. I imagine there are a lot of women who have experienced the same thing with separated men and feel the same way I do.
Sharzi | |
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tmotts
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Joined: 11/7/2006
Msg: 172 | |
| Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 6/1/2008 7:50:18 AM | | Because they are still married, and because sometimes they decide to go back and they break your heart.. Never again! | |
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zeeba
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Joined: 3/27/2008
Msg: 173 | |
| Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 6/1/2008 8:12:24 AM | | Tmotts summarized it perfectly. Too many unknowns for this zeeba neighba when you start dealing with the "separated" category. I know it sounds harsh...but in these instances, it's best for everyone to get some closure and distance legally and emotionally. | |
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| Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 6/1/2008 8:14:39 AM |
Why women wont date seperated men
Some might be like me and know that most likely they will end up going back to their husband/wife. Soon as you start dating the seperated person and their so called better half see's they are dating someone then the other half shakes their "Sugar Tree" and they come running back. | |
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| Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 6/1/2008 8:15:14 AM |
In fact most women have kids and so have serious baggage.
^^ Children aren't baggage mate.
What a selfish and insensitive thing to say. | |
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