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| He is friends with many of the women he has had sex with. I don't get it.
Posted: 11/17/2007 12:55:14 AM | What I find curious, given the title, is apparently this has not bothered you enough to stop seeing him.
Some people need to burn emotional bridges behind them once sex is involved. It's what has to happen for me to move forward in life.
Others don't see why contact has to end just because the relationship didn't work out. I still like you for the reasons I liked you initially.
I don't really see this as a debatable point, it's fundamentally based in emotions. And that's not something that debate will change a mind about. Even if every post here said it was OK, it wouldn't change how you feel about it. And I didn't see anywhere in your post where you indicated you have stopped seeing him, so it's an issue you at least tolerate for now.
To me, this sums it up nicely
He says they have just stayed friends. I guess that is just not my personality. If I am no longer seeing someone, I am more the kind that never wants to see them again.
As I like to say, trying to understand other peoples behaviors with your values often leads to sentences that begin with "I just don't understand why ....".
I give you credit for trying to understand, the problem is this is one of those issues where a lot of work will only get you to acceptance, it's not something you can understand. And it will be hard to get emotionally intimate with someone who's values are so different than your own you just can't understand them.
I do think it's safe to say if you stop seeing him, you won't stay friends!
Bob | |
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| He is friends with many of the women he has had sex with. I don't get it.
Posted: 11/17/2007 1:00:09 AM | I'm astounded at the number of people on here, in this thread and the site in general, who express an all or nothin' mentality. I totally agree with those who said that is so high schoolish.
Now that is not to say that I think all former lovers should stay friends. For example, there was a woman who misrepresented herself from the day we met. She kept up the charade for about six months after we began seeing each other exclusively, and then got mad at me for not appreciating how hard she tried to be the woman SHE thought I should want her to be, and never living up to expectations that she never expressed to me. Needless to say, the last time I walked out of her apartment, I hoped I'd never see her again. After a month, I got my wish when she left town to move halfway across the country to deceive the next guy.
Conversely, I'm pleased to see that I'm not the only one who maintains mutually rewarding plutonic friendships with past lovers. Obviously the relationships aren't as close as they were before the romance blossomed, or in some cases exploded, but there is still a level of non-sexual intimacy there that doesn't exist with people who have never been more than just friends.
I'm surprised that nobody brought up the aspect of mutual friends after a break-up. For the majority of others I know who are still friends with an ex, the biggest factor has been other friends. Why should the Joneses hafta' choose whether to invite Jack or Jill to their holiday party, just because the two of them aren't a couple anymore? How are Sally and****supposed to choose which one to invite to their wedding, when they still like both of them?
Just two weeks ago, I went out to dinner with a lady with whom I broke off the romance almost a year ago. The fact that we are not romantically compatible doesn't diminish my respect for knowledge she has that I don't, her perspectives on things that differ from mine, kindness and compassion for others... nor my appreciation for her sense of humor, ability to see things in me that I fail to recognize and express them constructively... And she still appreciates still having me in her life, though I'd be speculating on exactly why. But I have no more sexual desire for her, and once again reassured her that doesn't dtract from that fact that she is a good person who is intelligent and articulate.
Regarding how much sexual history to share, I have a srtict policy that the least is best. I am totally open about with whom I've previously had sex, but if the lady starts asking me for any details about what we did sexually, I look her straight in the eye and ask if she really thinks that discussing that will add to our relationship. Occasionally, she'll ask where I learned something that I did during sex, and that is the only time I blatantly lie by telling her that I saw it in a book or article, or heard someone else talking about it.
So, women, do you think I handle that right? Do you appreciate and accept my answers, or would you rather get a response like "My last girl friend asked me to do that for her, and really liked it so I thought you would, too."
Can we perhaps take this thread to the next level and discuss how one should answer some questions that come up?
- Where was the most romantic place you've ever made love?
- What is the kinkiest thing you've ever done?
- Have you ever been caught in the act?
- What was the best sex ever? | |
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| He is friends with many of the women he has had sex with. I don't get it.
Posted: 11/17/2007 6:01:44 AM | A gentleman does not kiss and tell, nor is he stupid enough to boast about previous trysts with other women. That just smacks of insecurity.
The one positive thing you can get out of this relationship is knowing that after you toss him to the curb you can always call him 6 months down the road to change a flat tire or help clean gutters in the fall. | |
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| He is friends with many of the women he has had sex with. I don't get it.
Posted: 11/17/2007 7:11:03 AM |
Can we perhaps take this thread to the next level and discuss how one should answer some questions that come up?
- Where was the most romantic place you've ever made love?
- What is the kinkiest thing you've ever done?
- Have you ever been caught in the act?
- What was the best sex ever? I applaud your honesty. I quite agree that it is not about if you are friends with an ex. I only think that some people keep certain exes for certain reasons, and it can be indicative that a decent relationship is not desired by the other person.
As for the questions, I really think that they are best left unanswered. My reason is that when I was comfortable about answering those questions, the other person told me about their previous dating experiences, and that put me off, simply because I became unsure that I could measure up to some of her past boyfriends habits of spending lots of money on her, as I was in-between jobs at the time.
So, IMO, it wouldn't be prudent to discuss it until the relationship has been fully established for a few months. However, if it wasn't brought up in the beginning, I doubt that it would matter later on.
I would want to answer the following questions, as those would be more relevant to the present and the future?
- Where was the most romantic place you would like to make love?
- What is the kinkiest thing you'd ever consider doing?
- Would it bother you if we were ever caught in the act?
- What are the positions, skills and techniques that you like best in sex? | |
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CSIN
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Joined: 5/28/2007
Msg: 81 | |
| He is friends with many of the women he has had sex with. I don't get it.
Posted: 11/17/2007 7:46:04 AM | Ok, ok, enough already! If the man I am seeing is friends with his ex's - then he is taking time away from us. If this man is bragging about his past sexual adventures including their names and intimate details, then he will brag and reveal our personal and intimate details, including my name.
This man is a very insecure punk and warrants no dealing with. He is using this foolishness as leverage to control YOU by keeping you insecure, off balance and neurotic! He is explicitely stating to you what you will need to do for him in order to please, keep and fulfill him. Sit down, lean back and relax  - then go fishing! | |
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| He is friends with many of the women he has had sex with. I don't get it.
Posted: 11/17/2007 7:51:10 AM | I couldn't be with a guy who insisted on telling me about all about his sexual history with other women. Whats the point? I personally think it's an ego boosting thing, and I would feel like nothing less than just another notch in his belt.
If hes still emails these women and visits them, then leave it to them all and perhaps they can all enjoy an orgy together. | |
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| He is friends with many of the women he has had sex with. I don't get it.
Posted: 11/17/2007 9:06:39 AM | | I have more male friends then girls for sure...most of them I've dated, not all have been sexual and stayed friends with. I think it's healthier then hating them. If it does upset your mate then sure you may have to make adjustments if you want the relationship to work. It's called respect for your mates feelings...as long as its not an insecurity issue. | |
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| He is friends with many of the women he has had sex with. I don't get it.
Posted: 11/17/2007 9:08:46 AM | I dated a guy like that a few months ago....He had a lot of lady friends and said he didn't sleep with them.... yeah right...Always was talking about all the other women he new....Said he considered me a "Friend and Lover"..Just didn't like how he played the dating scene...I am a one on one woman..
I feel a guy like that is insecure and is never satisfied..
Anyway I dumped him.....That was not what I wanted.....
Would that be a "Ladies Man"?...I think so.... | |
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| He is friends with many of the women he has had sex with. I don't get it.
Posted: 11/17/2007 9:34:38 AM | i hear ya Sista, i thought i could have found what i was looking for after almost 3ysr. on POF, but again i was wrong! they say they want a good woman but when they find her all they seem to talk about is "Past Female Friends". too me any man who has too many female friends, in his mind it just chicks he has yet to "BLEEP"!!!! the other's are just "Re-Do", they did them once and willing to do them again!!!! beware of men with too many female friends, you say no, it won't matter he has many other's too choose from....however i'm not running, nope, i just read them and let them go.....
Plenty oF Fish in the Sea, and one day at the stoke of sun down, i will find mine. | |
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Ninki
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Joined: 4/11/2005
Msg: 88 | |
| He is friends with many of the women he has had sex with. I don't get it.
Posted: 11/17/2007 9:46:31 AM | OP, I don't see why this is necessarily such a weird/bad/negative thing. Would you be more comfortable with a guy who had many one-night stands with no contact whatsoever with any of the women afterward? Maybe he values these women for more than just sex. By all means if this bothers you so much, you might want to stop seeing him.
Ninki | |
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| He is friends with many of the women he has had sex with. I don't get it.
Posted: 11/17/2007 9:46:35 AM | Lets see... I had sex with them so they must have been nice people (if you think all my ex's are less than nice then you need a look in the mirror)... now, just because we are no longer having sex means these people stop being nice and therefore one should never see them again?
I have people from my past that I still stay in touch with, several are counted among my best friends. One is on the emergency call list for my kids at school and she still spends time with my kids. In fact she was over Thursday night for dinner. Does that mean we will have sex again? No and thinking so is about your insecurities, not about her or my reality... and personally I would not want to date a woman so insecure she would want to deprive my kids of having a great person in their lives.
I also have people that I have dated that I never want to see again. Once their true colors were revealed they were NOT nice people. Not only do I not want to see them but I would not allow them to interact with my kids.
So I have to ask the OP, what is it you are REALLY questioning here? Is it the guys judgement? His loyalty and faithfulness? His emotional IQ (wholeness) or are you looking for validation for your insecurities?
Personally, I think its a shame you could never have stayed in touch with an old lover, they may have turned into one of your best friends. If all of your old lovers suddenly turned into bad people I would question your judgement and the choices you make. | |
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| He is friends with many of the women he has had sex with. I don't get it.
Posted: 11/17/2007 9:53:50 AM | I am not a drama queen and I don't burn bridges. Breakups are seldom stated out loud..except for my divorce and it wasn't mean.
I maintain contact with many men that I've been involved with over the years....purely platonic and almost totally email exchange. I like the fact that I never have to be afraid of running into someone...including my ex. Life takes us in lots of directions....sometimes we
have an awesome chemistry with a person that lives the other side of the county. The pretense of a real relationship would be stupid. But a note to each other when you have a thought about that person is fine. I dearly love to get a phone call from someone I've dated years before....just saying hello and how are you?
I give myself some credit for having the type of personality/mentality to not over dramatize and accept friendships for their real value.
I admit also, that on occasion I have enjoyed hearing about the sexual stories of others.
The stories can be told.....leaving out the who/when, etc...just telling them for pure
entertainment.
OP, I have a feeling that your fella might be the type that will be talking about you in the
future.....and that would be bad. I agree that if he is spending a lot of time keeping up with
friends that should be spent with you....there is a problem.
I do believe that every situation/relationship has to be dealt with on an individual basis.
Becca | |
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| He is friends with many of the women he has had sex with. I don't get it.
Posted: 11/17/2007 9:54:09 AM | | do you wanna be kissing on your woman knowing other men's DNA is all over her? (somethings you can't wash off)!!!further more do you really wanna hear about it? if you can't be her one and only "MALE" friend then what is your purpose???? your role in her life would be that of "just another friend" ... | |
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| He is friends with many of the women he has had sex with. I don't get it.
Posted: 11/17/2007 9:56:45 AM | [I think its a shame you could never have stayed in touch with an old lover, they may have turned into one of your best friends.]
Is it asking too much to be the 'one and only' in a relationship? The 'queen bee'? How can you really feel 'special' in a relationship if your SO is reminiscing about past sexual experiences, and then going out on coffee dates with them because they are 'such great friends'? If these 'friends' are so important in the guy's life that he can't give them up for you, how important are you to him? That arrangement may be fine for many people, but if you have to post that question on here I think you already know the answer. He's not for you. | |
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| He is friends with many of the women he has had sex with. I don't get it.
Posted: 11/17/2007 10:01:52 AM | We are the sum of our past experiences. His DNA is already all over her... especially if they were married and had kids together or they dated for 3 or 4 years. Those relationships will never be out of her mind.
Now, if they were the first person she turned to in times of trouble, that becomes a whole nother issue.
On the other hand, just because they are having lunch together doesn't mean they are anything more than friends.
There are healthy ways to set and enforce boundaries in these situations, some people have attained that level of emotional maturity and some have not.
Personally, I would not walk away from a frinendship because my date was insecure or jealous, been there done that and all you end up with is a horrible dating experience and a lost friendship. | |
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Ninki
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Joined: 4/11/2005
Msg: 94 | |
| He is friends with many of the women he has had sex with. I don't get it.
Posted: 11/17/2007 10:02:24 AM |
Occasionally, she'll ask where I learned something that I did during sex, and that is the only time I blatantly lie by telling her that I saw it in a book or article, or heard someone else talking about it.
Why lie? Why not tell her it's something you 'learned' from a previous lover. I wouldn't be offended by this admission. There's no need to go into explicit detail about the love-life you had with previous girlfriends, but there's also no need to be totally secretive.
As to your questions, I doubt I'd ever ask a guy any of these. But that's just me.
Ninki | |
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| He is friends with many of the women he has had sex with. I don't get it.
Posted: 11/17/2007 10:07:54 AM | I think it's good to be friends with people you have sex with. If you still have something to talk about after you're done with the sex part of your relationship, then, that means you were truly emotionally intimate at the time.
I know some people who keep all those people in the background, and still sleep with them from time to time, and this, is probably not so great. It still isn't a problem in my mind, if you're sure he's faithful to you now.
Having a really close relationship with someone, and then casting them aside like a dirty old shoe - how humane is that? I know where all my significant others are, and I touch base with the ones I still like every couple of years. The guys who were one night stands, or a couple of week stands? History. Long gone. There are fewer of them, than my "exes." Either the men I married, or the ones I truly loved.
Try to figure out why they're still in his life...and, would you like to be in his life that way when you two are over? Does he really care about these other women, or is he just playing all of you? That's the question. By the way, some of those exes don't mind being played. You just have to figure where you stand. | |
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| He is friends with many of the women he has had sex with. I don't get it.
Posted: 11/17/2007 10:25:15 AM | | well do do you lay with your "woman" or your "female friends"? lunch is out of the question, you have a cell phone and land phone, pen and paper. my lunch dates would be spent with whom ever i lay with. Jealousy has nothing to do with it, rather it has to do with building a relationship, that only takes two.in times of trouble turn to the one that you lay with, if she/he loves you that's where you'll find your strenght and if you need to set boundaries then what kind of friendship do you really have? | |
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Ninki
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Joined: 4/11/2005
Msg: 97 | |
| He is friends with many of the women he has had sex with. I don't get it.
Posted: 11/17/2007 10:26:23 AM |
Is it asking too much to be the 'one and only' in a relationship? The 'queen bee'?
"Queen Bee"?? "One and only", yes; as in one and only girl friend. That does not preclude him having other female friends, including some he might have been intimate with in the past. To me your attitude smacks of insecurity and jealousy.
Ninki | |
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| He is friends with many of the women he has had sex with. I don't get it.
Posted: 11/17/2007 10:31:30 AM | Everyone is forgetting the "sexual feelings " or MAYBE just MAYBE these people let's just call them ah ...oh yah ..........humans for human sockets...............non incandescent light bulb moment here .... who can develop all these marvelous friendships never had any attraction or feelings to begin with and just jumped in the postrapedic just for a good light and heavy genital and bone smacking rompassillyus ... wtf is up and down with that ..... ?????????? ???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? ...sixty nine .. question marks she's a harping now.....
Okay and another thing....... that all you genius thinkers are forgetting is that there is a payoff somewhere......NEVER FORGET THIS LADIES ...............in any human interaction and reaction there is a payoff in a formed relationship ...............so you better get wise as to WHAT that payoff is ? one question mark for the missionary man..... ..........................Remember this ladies ...see guys already Know this and can ticket count like nobodies business part of my whomp'em belt theory ............that you get what you pay for if you emotionally invest in the uninvestable ................cause on planet Oil of O-Lay or no way ...........or Frito bandito Lay ................THERE IS NO RIDE FOR GRATIUS AMIGO.... OR ASHEEGO...... no go go ... and gone.... | |
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| He is friends with many of the women he has had sex with. I don't get it.
Posted: 11/17/2007 10:37:24 AM | | My last relationship ended because he was sleeping around behind my back with an ex that was "still friends"...in my opinion? They like to stay close friends just in case...some people always have to have a back-up plan. That is not to say you can't be cordial to your ex's-you just don't have to sleep with them anymore. Especially when you are with someone else! But then some men are just pigs, what can I say? | |
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