| How Many Seek Love Over Sex?
Posted: 11/18/2007 12:53:16 PM | I had a conversation with a guy on POF about this recently - sex isn't as good with someone with whom you have no connection i.e. feelings for, or care for. But that being said, in a relationship you have to match each others appetites or in my experience it doesn't work long term. If you are talking months you can somewhat get around it, but years, no way. What comes first is the connection in my book. What comes later is acting on feelings.
I agree with that. I can remember my first so called "love"- it wasn't love really at all, it was "lust". And, for me lust with a person one has no chemistry with is terrible... it makes me feel very low and dirty feeling.
But sometimes people can make their partner wait a very very long time before considering sex. I mean, I can understand and respect Christians and Church people that wish to save things for marriage- thats cool and understandable to me. I consider myself a Christian, however I admit to being a sinner and not exactly living by the Book currently (please, lets not debate religion here!) .....
But otherwise, I just can't understand why some partners string the other one on for months sometimes before making love- This actually happen to me once with a gal (I think it went about 6 months after we had our first date, and she kept telling me it was best to get to know each other first, I thought I was gonna blow up! ). Then after it happen she still would put me off for many months at a time.... I knew she had a bad marriage to an ex-husband that she claimed rapped her in the bedroom. I often told myself that her ex-husband was the reason she almost seemed scared of sex, and she was in her late 30s when I meet her.....
So, in some cases, perhaps sexual abuse can explain some woman's lack of interest in sex.... but it likely will not explain the few men out here that put sex on the back burner while dating. I feel like a normal healthy man, but when I talk to other men my age they almost always seem to have a stronger interest in sex than me... Shucks I have seen guys older than me almost drive off the road trying to get a good look at a young woman's ass as she walked beside the road. haha
Anyway, I do agree with those that seek love and love-making. But the issue is how do we find a partner with the same sexual appetite as our self's?
Peace. | |
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| How Many Seek Love Over Sex?
Posted: 11/18/2007 1:09:52 PM | Jammer
Develop a questionaire and present to any gal that you may be interested in. See if they pass the test or not... other than that...heck if I know..
CC
But the issue is how do we find a partner with the same sexual appetite as our self's? | |
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| How Many Seek Love Over Sex?
Posted: 11/18/2007 1:52:01 PM | Jammer
Develop a questionaire and present to any gal that you may be interested in. See if they pass the test or not... other than that...heck if I know..
Yea, I guess what I'm asking can sound like a pretty silly question.
But I'm willing to bet that other singles are sometimes asking themselves the same question. And, I'm sure some relationships have been ruffled up because of just such differences on bedroom stuff. I guess people have to resort to their gut feelings on such a subject before the relationship develops too far.
I speculate that it might all boil down to body chemistry. I can't see a woman filling out a form on a first date about this stuff. lmao -Perhaps the body chemistry of a first date is enough to let on to such private matters. Who knows?
Peace. | |
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| How Many Seek Love Over Sex?
Posted: 11/18/2007 1:57:58 PM | I see there are some men looking for love....they are few, but they are out there.
: ) | |
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| How Many Seek Love Over Sex?
Posted: 11/18/2007 2:07:30 PM |
How Many Seek Love Over Sex?
Gee... love would be great if it was around when you wanted it. Doesn't always work that way.
If love was a Mars Bar and i went to the store to get a mars bar and they were out of Mars Bars... i'd probably pick up a kit kat (Sex) while waiting for the Mars Bars to be back in stock.
Cause really... i'm not about to quit eating chocolate just because they don't have my fave bar there.
hmmm i need chocolate now.
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| How Many Seek Love Over Sex?
Posted: 11/18/2007 2:08:23 PM | It's not unusual for different partners to have differring sexual appetites, people are all different after all...
It also seems that it's rare for two people to be involved with each other and both want sex in the same quantity.
Let's face it, it's already been said, so I don't want to belabour the point here, but having some kind of feeling for the person does NOT automatically exclude casual sexual affairs either...One of the reasons that they are called "love affairs"...because originally, being emotionally attached to someone that you were sleeping with didn't mean that you had to marry them and it wasn't a source of shame either!
Anything else is just basically bumping uglies and/or using another person to masturbate.
Ideally, I guess we're all looking for that person that we really connect with on all levels including the emotional and physical,...Just seems like looking for a unicorn, sometimes....sigh.... | |
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| How to put sex on the back burner while dating
Posted: 11/18/2007 2:51:03 PM | The posters here--and another forum--the "When do you say I love you?" forum, many men and women put 3 months to a year limit before venturing to say--or wanting to hear-- those words. So one would assume these people who want the whole enchilada would also wait 3 years to a month before becoming sexually active. D'ya think?
How do other people handle disagreements if you are in the sexually active "I love you" phase and suddenly the issue is a polarizing one? Quit saying and doing? What do you do to resolve the "differences" that always exist between humans? Is that false love? Do you write down rules? Does it work that way?
Being "in love" and saying "I love you" can be premature--and possibly as sparks-to-fizzle as sex on the first date. Perhaps you each had a vague image of what you are as a couple--and then it smaks into...reality--or disillusion.
How to handle need for touch, emotional bonding while figuring out how to work with each other's strengths and weaknesses--or even desire to be a team? It takes awhile to discern your own---and each other's--motives, energy levels, appetites, tolerances, sense of fun, sense of accountability (dependabilty), emotional ups, downs and expresxiveness--and level of commitment.
So, yeah, how do you prepare a healthy and supportive relationship that fits 2 people? Can steak and power boat survive with a tofu kayak person? What if you love someone's artistic sensitivities, but they have no compunction for being emtionally supportive? How do you move forward with such a relationship--of someone hiding emotions, skirting communication? Do you drop expectations to a common denominator?
Do you console, nurture, humor, and give in to the physical attraction, in ancipation of somwhere down the road you can work this other stuff out? How do you set standards? Do you walk away when those standards are missed?
Can you do all of this "working things out" while continuing an ongoing active sexual relationship with the person?
If you decide to forego the sexual--and for some people, this can mean anywhere from not holding hands, not kissing (even guys!) to going to bed, but not all the way. Physical touch is important, but how and where do you draw the line--and in the event of a communication breakdown, that doesn't seem to be approachable, post fight--has anyone successfully mitigated a disagreement..without sex as the carrot?
Do men discuss the internals of an argument, prioritizing time for each other, commitmnt, and making up after disagreements? Does sex help or hurt the possibility of learning good conflict resolution skills? | |
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| How Many Seek Love Over Sex?
Posted: 11/18/2007 3:45:08 PM | I have always looked for love first, but hate to admit that so many of the relationships that my friends have been in started out as sex with little concern for anything lasting. I guess that the sex was so good, other things got set aside for the physical side of things.
We all want lasting, unconditional love, but I think we sometimes settle for empty, physical relationships. | |
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| How Many Seek Love Over Sex?
Posted: 11/18/2007 4:00:08 PM | Both..................the whole package, love and desire.
Sex is physical love, to show how you feel about someone, we want to be desired.
Plus it's great for the body, and mind.
One can't be happy in a relationship if there's no sex | |
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| How Many Seek Love Over Sex?
Posted: 11/18/2007 4:02:21 PM | I want both - I want love and mind-bending sex. I want to smell her perfume on my pillow when she is not there and smile. I want to daydream about her while I sit in meetings, I want to turn off the radio because it is interrupting my thoughts of her - when I hear her voice, it makes my day.. etc etc....
every day, now and forever. | |
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| How Many Seek Love Over Sex?
Posted: 11/18/2007 4:16:17 PM | I came up with this quote which I think pretty much sums it up:
"Sex without love is an empty experience.
But as far as empty experiences go, it's one of the best."
- Woody Allen
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| How Many Seek Love Over Sex?
Posted: 11/18/2007 4:18:33 PM | i want to follow Mr.D around.... love his posts in these forums!
I have one question, why cant we have the Mars bar AND the kitkat? | |
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| How Many Seek Love Over Sex?
Posted: 11/20/2007 5:24:59 AM | message 57 - yoodle - brilliant post!
brilliant points and questions.
for me, no, i don't consciously use sex or love as a tool for reward or punishment.
if it is necessary to use either/both as a bargaining chip to work through disagreements, then i feel the relationship is not based on a strong foundation of communication and unconditional love....meaning no conditions, or letting the love flow, if it is love, no matter what.
i also feel, expanding on that theme of how people work through differences without using sex and love as the reward or punishment....by employing truly open and honest communication (without fear of egos being attacked and that illusion resulting in defense roaring its ugly head)....
i believe it's is a mirror of how well or poorly people not in a sexual/romantic love relationship work through their differences.
i think, absolutely we can do it....it is, after all, a key aspect of life and learning what it is to be naturally loving human beings and and treating all others as we wish to be treated ourselves.
the key - know ourselves...be utterly truthful with ourselves without judgement, blame, or attack....and then, and only then, we can know others and be utterly truthful again without judgement, blame or attack. withholding love, emotionally or physically, is not the answer, for it only hurts ourselves when we can't be the loving souls we naturally are.....and also, if we're not letting our love flow outwards, we are also not capable of letting it flow in either.  | |
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| How Many Seek Love Over Sex?
Posted: 11/20/2007 5:28:24 AM | Love and Sex would be preferable.
Sex without love is tolerable.
Love without sex is miserable. | |
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| How Many Seek Love Over Sex?
Posted: 11/20/2007 8:00:07 AM | | I want love and deep intimacy. Intimacy doesn't have to be about sex all the time. The sex is important, obviously. However, a true lasting love with deep initmacy and caring is way more important to me. Oh, yeah, and he needs to be a GREAT kisser. | |
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| How Many Seek Love Over Sex?
Posted: 11/20/2007 8:08:57 AM | | I for one want the love but that takes time. Love grows as the relationship grows. Sex is a part of that but when it's just sex without feeling or caring for each other then love may not ever be part of it. Love at first site, I doubt it, that's usually lust or desire. | |
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| How Many Seek Love Over Sex?
Posted: 11/20/2007 8:30:36 AM | Kinda reminds me of the difference between making love and having sex. I don't know if anyone else will agree but to me those are completely different things. I personally want someone I can make love to over someone that will give me lots of sex. But to do that you need a real partner that gets you and that you understand too. Mindless sex gives me very little satisfaction and just leaves me hungry for more in hope of getting some. Until I made love for the first time I didn't realize that.
Its damn easy to find a sex partner, its a lot more complicated to find a lover. Maybe I sound extremely young but I'd prefer not to settle for anything less and that. | |
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| How Many Seek Love Over Sex?
Posted: 11/20/2007 8:33:37 AM | | I'm finding it difficult to find anybody to have a relationship with due to my wanting to actually get to know somebody and enter an actual relationship with them before any sex occurs. If I could only have either friendship or sex with somebody then i would much rather have friendship but most ppl seem to prefer sex | |
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| How Many Seek Love Over Sex?
Posted: 11/20/2007 8:37:49 AM | | I agree tory! It's not that anyone actually wants to choose love OR sex. We all want them both. It's just that most people have them in the wrong order. I want love first and then I want sex with the person with whom I'm in love. It's so much better that way. Oh and don't listen to the people who deny that 'cause guess what? They don't know 'cause they've never waited long enough to find out! | |
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| How Many Seek Love Over Sex?
Posted: 11/20/2007 8:43:44 AM | Jammer,
Forget the guy with all the stupid jokes.
I want LOVE first. In a truely loving relationship, sex isn't sex, it's more. It's a shared intimacy that is for two only.
I choose to live without sex now because I want LOVE. It says plainly in my profile, I am looking for the last love of my life and I am not going to settle for less ever again. If that means I am alone for the rest of my life, so be it.
I would have no trouble finding sex any day of the week, that isn't important anymore. As we mature and grow and really know ourselves, we realize there is so much to life, to relationships and to our own inner happiness.
Dating is an interesting concept. Dating is where 2 people talk about what they want, what they're looking for and the dreams of the future. When it all fits (and I am not saying perfectly here, no 2 people ever think exactly alike on any one topic) that is when you go to the next level.
When you meet "her" (or for me, "him") the topic of sex must come up, it's part of being human, talk about what it is you are looking for in that area. I think I could be happy to just cuddle and hold hands and sure, sex a couple times a week would be great. Since I have been single for so long now, I learned, I can still breathe and live and function just fine without. Do I want to live the rest of my life without knowing the touch of intimacy ever again? No. But I want the love that goes with it.
So, I agree with you. Sex is not important in and of itself, it is important in a love relationship. When the sex goes bad in a relationship that is a sign that other areas are going bad. Would I want to hook up with a man that has no ambition for sex? No. I would stay friends with him.
Does that help you? | |
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| How Many Seek Love Over Sex?
Posted: 11/20/2007 8:45:01 AM |  well its about time,I thought I was the only person in the world that had this idea of love verses sex.Thank God i am not crazy after all      | |
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| How Many Seek Love Over Sex?
Posted: 11/20/2007 8:53:00 AM | Mindless sex gives me very little satisfaction and just leaves me hungry for more in hope of getting some.
Well then, you're just not doing it right. *grins*
I don't want a guy that can only make love to me. Sex is important to me. I enjoy it before and after the emotional attachment has happened. I want both... make love to me and then at other times make me feel like a porn star. Both have their place and time. :) I'll settle for the later alone though if all they ever want is vanilla love making. | |
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svj
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Joined: 9/15/2007
Msg: 73 | |
| How Many Seek Love Over Sex?
Posted: 11/20/2007 9:48:47 AM |
So, I just had to ask others here if anyone else is looking for love, and not so much sex. A show of hands could be interesting. Sometimes I feel like I'm all alone with these feelings.
How many people that base their relationship mainly on sex do you realistically think are going to post in this thread? You and I both know full well that anyone giving a different answer than what you obviously want would be flamed to a crisp. | |
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| How Many Seek Love Over Sex?
Posted: 11/20/2007 10:09:43 AM | don't want a guy that can only make love to me. Sex is important to me. I enjoy it before and after the emotional attachment has happened. I want both... make love to me and then at other times make me feel like a porn star. Both have their place and time. :) I'll settle for the later alone though if all they ever want is vanilla love making.
Obviously you can't make love all that often. All I said was that I preferred it to sex. But lovemaking takes time, effort and sometimes you just feel like having sex.
What I mean is that sex alone isn't enough. | |
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| How Many Seek Love Over Sex?
Posted: 11/20/2007 12:13:03 PM | Cause really... i'm not about to quit eating chocolate just because they don't have my fave bar there.
Hmmm ... is there anything wrong with me - then - when I actually forget it all when they don't have my favourite Kit-Kat there? I wouldn't think so. Hmmm ... must be my palate that either savours the one - or nothing. | |
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