| Is this what happens when you give someone a chance??
Posted: 11/19/2007 7:11:46 PM | ^^^T, I think that was exactly it. He was ultimately interested in dating you, and became your friend as a bridge to that, while you saw him honestly as a friend without any ulterior motive. When you agreed to date, he saw it as not possible for whatever reason...and the rest didn't matter.
I think you dodged a bullet, I truly think you are a great person and I think if he wasn't interested it was either because he knew he wasn't worthy, or because he's an idiot. You deserve an explanation at least, it's disrespectful if he doesn't seek you out and clear things up.
But now you're free to meet someone better...so he did you a favor.
Head up, T! You'll thank him for this one day, I guarantee it. | |
|
| Is this what happens when you give someone a chance??
Posted: 11/19/2007 7:14:56 PM | | Why did you change your mind about dating him? If i am asking this question after reading you post I wonder what he may be wondering. What miraculously changed to make him soo desirable? Next time be clear on boundaries, make sure they are clear and defined and don't go changing them..good luck | |
|
| Is this what happens when you give someone a chance??
Posted: 11/19/2007 7:18:03 PM | Honestly,
This man put himself out there, and more than likely he feels like he's unappreciated, he's embarrassed, and also feels that you don't particularly care about him. The ring was probably the last straw, and hammer to his self esteem. Communication is probably the best bet for both of you - so at least you don't have to keep guessing. It won't hurt if you call and apologize if you hurt his feelings, and tell him that you genuinely do like him (if you do). At that point you'll feel better for letting him know, and will be able to move on with him, or without him.
Give it a try, and all the best to you. | |
|
| Is this what happens when you give someone a chance??
Posted: 11/19/2007 7:20:10 PM | " i think you're a great person and I think if he wasn't interested it was either because he knew he wasn't worthy, or because he's an idiot"
Where do you people get these egos from?, because i am reading these profiles and looking at these pictures and i am just not seeing it.
"KNEW HE WASN'T WORTHY"
WTF worthy of what ? dating the Op ? Are you kidding me here? What's so special about the Op or any woman for that matter that would make a man not worthy to date them? "Not worthy" nah there is no ego issues going on there at all. | |
|
| Is this what happens when you give someone a chance??
Posted: 11/19/2007 7:29:41 PM |
This man put himself out there, and more than likely he feels like he's unappreciated, he's embarrassed, and also feels that you don't particularly care about him. The ring was probably the last straw, and hammer to his self esteem.
^^^ That sounds plausibile !
Or, now he knows that he's renting space in your head for free. He knows you'll be racking your noggin wondering what happened. If you've read any of the forums that some of the "dating gurus" around here post in, this is part of a strategy.... Not saying whether I believe them or not... I'm just sayin. | |
|
| Is this what happens when you give someone a chance??
Posted: 11/19/2007 7:29:49 PM |
Where do you people get these egos from?, because i am reading these profiles and looking at these pictures and i am just not seeing it.
Ugh, relax - it's not about ego. Unlike a LOT of men around here, I am not keeping score on genders, I look at things case by case. In this case the OP is female. Has nothing to do with all that taking sides crap. I actually like men, so nice try with thinking you discovered something.
"KNEW HE WASN'T WORTHY"
WTF worthy of what ? dating the Op ? Are you kidding me here? What's so special about the Op or any woman for that matter that would make a man not worthy to date them? "Not worthy" nah there is no ego issues going on there at all.
IME, ANYONE who does a 180 and doesn't explain why if they have been friends with you and wanting to date you for a long period of time, they're not worth dating. Period. It's a personality thing, tells you a lot about how they'd have handled other stuff.
Maybe he'll come clean about it and explain what the deal was, but if he doesn't - it's a sign that she would have wasted her time on him. Real simple. | |
|
| Is this what happens when you give someone a chance??
Posted: 11/19/2007 8:06:51 PM | Metalvixxn I applaud your ability to not let the judgers get the best of you and treat them nice. That truley shows your charactor and shows how infintile theirs is. True colors come through. The op bashing is pathetic, but what are ya gonna do? they have nothing better to do I guess.
Personally I have had men who just stopped seeing me, and I missed their friendship as well. Like I said earlier its hard to figure some people out. He apparently didn't have the guts to tell you. Your better off without him. If he was a real friend he would have told you why.
Oh by the way posters. I hate to burst your rightious bubbles, Incase you didn't know everyone has an ego lol. Oh dear did I shock anyone? lol Sorry.  | |
|
| Is this what happens when you give someone a chance??
Posted: 11/19/2007 8:23:22 PM | " I hate to burst your righious bubbles, in case you didn.t know everyone has an ego lol.. Oh dear did i shock anyone?"
Never has someone with so little to be proud of, been so proud of the little she had.
| |
|
| Is this what happens when you give someone a chance??
Posted: 11/19/2007 8:26:55 PM |
but maybe he was really just chasing me and didn't value the friendship like I did.
Metalvixxn, I don't think it was just the chase for him... giving you the ring says it was MUCH more than that to him. My guess, and it is just a guess, but the return of the ring was viewed as a rejection. Especially as you declined to have it sized... that was very clearly saying "nope, don't think I want to go there with YOU".
I imagine he felt extremely foolish and hurt. I would be in that situation. If that had happened to me I'd back waaay off and create a pocket of space and see what happened, if anything. See if the other person stepped into the space. Not out of gameplaying either, but just as a reality check of how often do you put yourself out there and get rejected before you tell yourself to "wake up, back off a bit and see if there is any genuine interest coming from the other side that isn't being generated by me." | |
|
| Is this what happens when you give someone a chance??
Posted: 11/19/2007 8:31:20 PM | Ugh.. it's awful that people seem to have to play "chase and retreat " games to keep a partner interested.
As for me.. just give me good ol' hardcore honesty anyday!
OP Im sorry he turned out to be a jerk.. it honestly sounds like he was just there for the thrill of the chase. And... He is definitely old enough to know better !  | |
|
| Is this what happens when you give someone a chance??
Posted: 11/19/2007 8:31:56 PM | Uglybetty I always wished you lived closer so we could hang out!!! I know we'd have a blast. And now I have met FunnyGirl and wish the same! This thread was good for one thing at least, I've made some cool girlfriends =)
I have considered the giving back the ring as the downfall but he said himself we could take it slow and that wasn't taking it slow. We continued to have a great time after that and did continue communication before he blew me off.
As to why I changed my mind about dating him: Sometimes people can "grow" on you or you start to see things you didn't see in the beginning. We always had a good time and I thought we genuinely cared for each other so why not see where it could go?
Since I have posted this thread he has texted me with "happy monday" which I always texted him on mondays. Nothing more, nothing less. Maybe he doesn't realize he's been a "d0rk".
I think it's all pretty lame. | |
|
| Is this what happens when you give someone a chance??
Posted: 11/19/2007 8:37:30 PM | "Yes,part of my ego is bruised because i did feel i was a bit good for him and i got the brush off "
Yes Op HE is the one that was a bit of a"dork" , You want to see the person that's being the "dork" in this situation i don't think you need to look any further that the person in the mirror. | |
|
| The point is he's 42. If he no longer wants to see her, let him be a man and tell her.
Posted: 11/19/2007 8:43:30 PM | ...no I don't see the logic in this guy's behavior except maybe having a preconceived notion that he could not reconcile with yours being different.
....yes, and just went through one of these myself...got the "You'd like my mom, my sister in law, my nephew, my friend this my friend that...and I love you because....". Over the course of several months. "It's time to make plans, there's fun stuff to do in Europe.." on a phone message. And I replied...um, we can talk about it. But we never did. And then he said, at the door of the restaurant, "I don't want to spend money for decoration." So we ate at a ice cream/chips bar. The restaurant was a $ or $$ of $$$$$, cheaper than the Indian restaurants dotting the area.
So, when he was pressed for accountability in a grown up sense--he was defensive. When setting the parameters of engagement (about discussing our involvment AS A COUPLE), more emotionalism, balking.
I thought emailing an article that pertained to relationships--and relating--would help. At first, he responded, this or that is an interesting/good article, but never came up with the goods of sitting down for a talk. In fact, it became phone calls. And then headaches. I believed the headaches. But when the phone calls dwndled from I love you several times a day to no love you's in calls--which became several days between: what recourse is there? Walk away? A few beggardly emails and phone calls asking for an explanation? And then what?
Here's the last message: "I am very busy and not enough time for myself, let alone a SO. I think it would be healthy if you dated other people."
How does one "dance" in that kind of storm? It's just take your marbles home and find someone else to play with. And that hurts. | |
|
| Is this what happens when you give someone a chance??
Posted: 11/19/2007 8:49:36 PM | If someone doesn't think it's time to accept a ring, or to engage in sex, and says so, that is honoring self, not offensive.
Responding with a vaccuum when someone stated thier boundaries is alienating... doing so and then waiting for the other person to respond is a challenge....but is a big red flag of noncommitment. If I'm commited to a friendship and that person doesn't like...jazz music, that shouldn't end the friendship (unless jazz was your whole life, and then the relationship wouldn't have gotten all that far in the first place).
Walking away from one person expressing his or her reluctance--with no conversations around it--that kind of processing is counterproductive to any kind of engagement (relationship), and sends a negative--but unclear--message. | |
|
| |
| |
| Is this what happens when you give someone a chance??
Posted: 11/19/2007 9:17:29 PM |
I think the best thing to do is ignore Dr Dork. lol. Oops my mistake. Well you know who I am talking about.
I agree.
Something some goofy folks keep forgetting is that if there is ever a misunderstanding, it's always the guy's fault. If there are any mixed messages being sent it's either the guy who's sending them or the guy who's misinterpreting them.
Us sistas always communicate in crystal clear ways always.
Sheesh. | |
|
| Is this what happens when you give someone a chance??
Posted: 11/19/2007 9:45:15 PM |
Yes, part of my ego is bruised because I did feel I was a bit good for him (more so in the beginning) and I got the brush off. The problem is that you have youth, looks and sex on your side. If relationships are about love, love transcends all of those boundaries, as old, ugly men can have just as much of a loving heart as you do. So, what makes you "a bit good for him"? Tell me because you help old men across the street, and I can see why you are too good for him, as your heart will be more loving. Tell me because you are 29, and he is 42, and I might think it's about looks. No-one says the unattractive girls are all single and the very attractive women are all in really happy LTRs. More very attractive women complain of being used and abused than anyone else.
Now I am hurt because I miss his friendship. I was ALWAYS honest with him, as I have been in these forums. Some people can't handle the truth. Now we know what the truth is, we all can. But just because he blew you off for a date, you'll blow off the friendship? I thought you were only giving him a chance at dating you. Sounds like your romantic feelings were hurt. Not your platonic friendship feelings.
These forums are always preaching "give the nice guy a chance - date someone you normally wouldn't - don't be shallow and judge someone on looks" I don't think you understand what the forums are preaching. All they are saying is "DON'T JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER". It's common sense. No-one is suggesting that you sleep with someone you don't find attractive. Just get to know the guy.
They are preaching to put your libido out the window, get to know the guy, and then, if he's a great guy you get on with AND are attracted to, sleep with him. If you cannot get sex & romance completely out of your head, then take Prozac, until you can be platonic friends with a naked Brad Pitt. If you cannot do that, with an attractive man, you are liable to imagining what he looks like naked before the end of the date, and your brain goes out with window, along with any red flags.
If you start thinking about sex & romance with a man you don't immediately find attractive, then you'll imagine him naked, as a picture of the Elephant Man, and your brain will go out the window again. You'll never get to know that he's your dream man, or that he just spent six months in traction, but in six weeks will have the 8-pack back, that he had for most of his life. You'll never see the good.
So I followed that advice and figured I would give someone different a chance and suddenly I'm the devil. Funny because in all these threads people are so RAH RAH about giving people chances. Your attitude was deliciously devilish. I have known of many men who would happily take advantage of a woman who talks like yourself. In a few lines, you implied:
1) That punctuality was a big selling-point
2) That age was a big selling-point
3) That a "date" meant more than getting to know a guy
4) That you react quite quickly and emotionally to romance
5) That you feel like you give men "chances", which are times when you make yourself vulnerable to men
I can go on. But many men who understand social manipulation know just what to do with such signals.
These are externals, and do not lead to a relationship by themselves. You need more to love a man than that. I think you are capable of far more than you portray. Why let me down? | |
|
| Is this what happens when you give someone a chance??
Posted: 11/19/2007 10:03:08 PM | Scorpiomover I appreciate you taking the time to reply, but I gotta say you're a bit off. Well, actually way off but think what you'd like.
I do think its funny that you said the problem is I have youth looks and sex on my side.
Just to be clear, this relationship had nothing to do with sex. We never slept together and hadn't even discussed it.
I'm not going to paint a picture of why I felt I was too good for him. I don't want to air his dirty laundry or paint him in anymore of a negative light.
1. punctuality is a big selling point; whats wrong with that?
2. age didnt matter; i simply stated his age because he wasn't acting it.
3. i dont see how a date meant more than getting to know someone. he wanted to call what we were doing dating from that point on and i agreed. it wasnt like "we're dating now so take off your clothes"
4. i react quickly and emotionally to everything =)
5. when i take a chance on someone i become vulnerable, yes. isnt that what taking a risk does? makes you vulnerable?
thats enough for now. i have enjoyed this thread immensely. i'll be sure to update =) | |
|
| Is this what happens when you give someone a chance??
Posted: 11/19/2007 10:57:07 PM | ^^^ I was commenting on why posters were attacking you. Also, on how your statements could be left open to vulnerable exposure. I am quite willing to admit it if I'm wrong. At this point, I don't know. But I'll always consider it.
To be honest, I was a little taken aback. Maybe with a bit more info, I would have called him a doofus. But I like to give people a chance to explain their actions.
You're a cutie, smart, happy (you smile, always a good thing), and more besides. If I was talking to him, I would have told him that he should send flowers, apologise profusely, and hope that he could make it up to you, and if he didn't, he just wasted a great chance at a great relationship with a wonderful woman.
I know I didn't say all that. But you surely know it for yourself. If you were ever unsure, have no need of ever doubting yourself again. No-one else will. | |
|
| Is this what happens when you give someone a chance??
Posted: 11/19/2007 11:27:07 PM | " didn't give him a hard time or even bring up the blow off.
Now I am SUPER irritated because I haven't heard from him since. "
Ever heard of the saying "ignoring the elephant in the living room"? Neither of you addressed the fact that he blew you off. I can't climb inside his head, so I have no idea why he did an about face. I can't climb inside yours either. But, I am curious, is there any chance that your irritated cause you didn't realize that the Friday call was your one chance to chastise him for blowing you off and you missed your chance ... one thing to miss 1 blow off but to feel like you were nice about it and then promptly get dumped without a chance to vent can leave a person with a choke full of stuffed vent that feels irritating. | |
|
| Is this what happens when you give someone a chance??
Posted: 11/20/2007 2:23:09 AM | You're both to blame as much as each other for this.
You've said you started to like him more, but it doesn't sound like you gave him any indication of that. It took more than one attempt from him to get a date from you, and you rejected the ring and the suggestion of resizing it. He felt rejected, like he was putting himself out there and making himself vulnerable, and getting nothing in return.
Who suggested dinner? Him? It's likely he simply wasn't getting enough interest on your part and needed you to show some. So he pulled back a bit and blew you off. Then you pretended you didn't care that he blew you off either, and wonder why he hasn't bothered to contact you since? He was looking for some indication that you cared. He didn't get any.
He was definitely very immature to blow you off. That's not in question; it's unacceptable behaviour from a grown man.
But on top of that, you demonstrated poor communication skills by not indicating to him that you were pissed off that he cancelled on you, not showing enough interest that he felt he had to back off to get a reaction, and by not bothering to contact him again since (it's not *just* his job to do that).
How do you react to being blown off? By trying to make things up and become friends again or by getting pissed off and not contacting him either?
Which do you think is the more mature reaction?
You're both old enough to know better than this :) | |
|
| Is this what happens when you give someone a chance??
Posted: 11/20/2007 5:30:23 AM | Metalvixxn my friend I would give it a few days for both of you to think about the whole thing. I think deep down inside he does care. Its obvious you do dispite the tongue lashers lol. I have to say this and I hope it does not come out wrong, but I have seen both men and women feel intimidated by someone who is extremely beautiful for fear they are not going to be able to keep them long as someone better will come along and take them. You are beautiful on the outside and inside. Your every mans dream.
Except Dr Dork lol. He hides behind the screen with no picture and shoots out nasty bombs for the fun of it. I think he is jealous because he probably thinks he could never get anyone like you. JMHO. He will say he would never want anyone like you which is common with people like that.
he has an axe to grind and he uses the forums to grind it. lol. If you get time check out his profile. Maybe you will get a better picture of what your dealing with.
I have some advice for him. Instead of calling your self a Dr why don't you see one and get help? | |
|
| Is this what happens when you give someone a chance??
Posted: 11/20/2007 5:44:56 AM | I'm wondering if when he gave you his claddagh ring and you returned it.....He felt the sting of the "truth"? You state you're "giving" him a chance.....seems to me he "earned" that chance by bieng a good friend and somewhat persistant.I think he came to realize that you really weren't that into him and saw the error in his ways.....Sure he could've handled it differently but you could've too.That ring has meaning and YOU didn't want it...your initial reasoning is sound but when he offered to size it for you....you balked,tells him everything he needs to know....so he's hurting a tad and moving on.Even a guy learns after a while that chasing that hard isn't always gonna win you the prize!
 .....Bosox | |
|
| Is this what happens when you give someone a chance??
Posted: 11/20/2007 7:09:25 AM | Thanks Scorpiomover, that was sweet!
I'm not pissed because I didn't get the chance to vent. Even thought he hasn't called me I could always call him and b*tch, but I'm not like that. I like to give myself some time so I don't fly off the handle and regret my actions.
He has been having some issues... there's a chance those issues came back up. But the thing is, we talked about it and he promised me he wouldn't push me away because of said issues. Maybe he is, maybe he isn't.
And the ring thing- for real, he gave it to me too soon. It was the day after we decided to take it slow and see what happens. His mom gave him the ring and to have it sized to fit me just seemed a bit ridiculous so soon in. We talked about it. It's not like I said "NO!" and threw it at him.
Oh well.
Have a good one everyone! | |
|
Home
login 
