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| Bullying & methods to reduce its prevalence/impact
Posted: 11/25/2007 10:48:49 AM | Bullying is not caused by someone having low self-esteem.
Bullies feel nothing but contempt for their victim(s). Contempt means they feel superior.
The answer is to have a method make the contemptuous feel empathy and compassion for others. I'm not sure how. How do you make someone feel? How do you make them understand?
Barbara Colorosso wrote a book called "The Bully, The Bullied and The Bystander." She is also working with Stephen Lewis (United Nations) on world issues. Bullying is what caused the massacre in Rwanda. Bullying is what Hitler did. The ramifications of bullying are far reaching.
Rune, you plant a seed and hope it takes. You demonstrate in your behaviour, your attitude to the world that bullying is unacceptable. (Be the change you wish to see in this world). I don't know you can solve it now.
This is a humankind problem that we all have to change at the societal level. Discussions like this help. We WILL come up with a solution, and bring about change. It will take generations to see the results.
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| Bullying & methods to reduce its prevalence/impact
Posted: 11/25/2007 1:54:24 PM | I agree 100% with natec .
I was bullied while going to new schools and was always blamed for it by teachers and a**hole vice principals. It was until I really thumped a few of them while they tried to push me around when I was alone that they leaved me alone and got to know me. A few years later one agained tried to push me around and I sent that fellow into immediate re-constructive surgery. He never bothered me again! | |
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| Bullying & methods to reduce its prevalence/impact
Posted: 11/25/2007 2:20:11 PM | This issue really deserves more attention than it often gets. Kids develop a bullying tendency when they are quite young and should be dealt with pronto if they bully anyone. Sometimes kids who are very defiant toward their parents are bullies in school, as well as at home. One child I know I am very concerned about because she is very defiant, mean to her brother and is disrespectful toward adults. I hope that her behavior gets nipped in the bud before it becomes worse.
If I had a child who was bullying, I would dream up all kinds of punishments to assure that it never happens again, such as writing 1,000 times I will not pick on people, grounding for a long period of time, taking all their toys away, etc. until the child learns the lesson. There really needs to be a strong zero-tolerance policy for this kind of bad behavior both in the schools and at home. | |
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| Bullying & methods to reduce its prevalence/impact
Posted: 1/9/2008 1:36:14 PM | I was bullied allot in school; i had red hair, glasses, and braces; i was smart, skinny, and shy. So basically i was a huge target, but i lived through it.
The whole experience was actually a good thing in a way, it helped me to become more compassionate with other people because i knew what it was like to be beaten down, both verbally and physically.
Oddly enough it also helped me to develop my self-confidence, after school was over i was still getting pushed around until on day i realized, "Hey, i don't have to accept this anymore.", it was a powerful realization that the only reason i was being pushed around is because i was letting it happen, so i started pushing back, i started really enforcing my boundaries and if someone crossed one they knew it right away. After that i didn't even really need to enforce my boundaries people just started respecting them.
So what I'd recommend is helping the victim realize that they don't have to accept the bullies behaviour help the victim build their self-confidence and establish healthy boundaries, if the bullying becomes physically violent tell them to go to the police and file assault charges, all this talk of fight back and bash there skulls in won't do a damn bit of good and might just get the victim thrown in jail (after all the Columbine kids where victims of bullying that fought back a little to hard).
Understand that if it gets bad enough the bullying victim might end up harming themselves or others. I know when it got really bad for me i thought about suicide and also taking bloody revenge against everyone in the school. I'm glad i didn't go down that path because all the best stuff happens after high school, school is just something you have to get through to get to the good stuff, and those people that reminisce and say school years are the best years are either delusional or to be pitied because they can never recapture that glory they had as a high school star athlete (like Uncle Rico in Napoleon Dynamite).
Please tell the bullying victim this to, "all the best stuff happens after high school, school is just something you have to get through to get to the good stuff".
An article about bullying:
http://www.cbc.ca/news/background/bullying/
A website about it:
http://www.bullyonline.org/ | |
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| Bullying & methods to reduce its prevalence/impact
Posted: 1/9/2008 2:02:03 PM | | OP: Its great you want to stop this from happening so much. But you can only give the bullied hope that it will stop eventually. I was bullied all through elementary because I was different. Nothing the teachers or school ever did even my parents would stop the teasing. Kids are asses and don't care about others. I call bullies people who feed of everyone else's self esteem. Then get surprised when they find out the one they bug wants to commit suicide or shoots up a school. No wonder it happens. Maybe if kids wake up and realize you can't treat there peers like crap and expect them to tolerate it without consequences. This world wouldn't have such a bulling problem. Not to add most parents won't do nothing about there child if there told about them bulling someone. So its either society or the parents who are at fault for bulling. | |
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| Bullying & methods to reduce its prevalence/impact
Posted: 1/9/2008 2:45:20 PM |
In my experience, the only way to really stop a bully is to beat the crap out of them.
^^^ This is the best answer on this thread.
Our neighborhood bully's name was Jerry. One day when I was in elementary school I was walking home with my mom, who had been at a PTA meeting. Jerry was following us and pestering the crap out of me. I'd never been in a fight before in my life, but I decided I'd had enough. I landed a punch and he landed in the gutter. He never bothered me again. | |
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| Bullying & methods to reduce its prevalence/impact
Posted: 1/9/2008 3:37:28 PM |
In my experience, the only way to really stop a bully is to beat the crap out of them.
^^^ This is the best answer on this thread.
I agree too.
I was bullied in grade 3 and it wasn't until the dude really tried to back me in a corner and put his hands on me that he realized how far a ballpoint pen can be stuck into his leg as punishment for trying to cut off my air circulation.
It worked so well in fact, any kid who was bothered by him would just have to whip out a pen in reference to that fight & he would stop bullying anyone.
That was the day I learned that bully's are more chicken sh*t than they like to admit. I don't like violence, but i also don't like my air passage being blocked till im purple by some punk over lunch money.
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| Bullying & methods to reduce its prevalence/impact
Posted: 4/15/2008 1:26:00 PM | Hi op,great thread even though its such a terrible topic and one which is becoming more prevalent as the years go by.I was not bullied at school but have witnessed it at school and in the workplace.Unfortunately because of the restraints placed on teachers these days most of the anti-bullying initiatives are very ineffectual as im sure you must find.
Until some deterents can be used and the teachers are given some proper powers to act against the bullies things will only get worse but as your hands are tied it is very nearly impossible to do anything to stop this scourge in our society.
In todays world the only suggestion i can give is to talk about it more,bring it into the open more,your discussions as an example,try and make pupils realize how much damage they are doing and the awful consequences of their actions.Some bullies can never be stopped because they are just evil,they need to be expelled but others may be able to change their ways.I think every school,college and university should have students and teachers especially trained and made available and known to every other student and that there is genuine help and understanding for their predicament.
I also think the government should invest far more money in trying to put a stop to bullying and make it one of their priorities immediately.
I have to commend you on your stance in this matter and only hope other teachers will feel the same as you and make it their priority too.I wish you lots of luck but unfortunately you are going to need it.best wishes. | |
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| Bullying & methods to reduce its prevalence/impact
Posted: 4/15/2008 3:01:40 PM | Kids are cruel, ya ain't gonna stop bullying plain and simple.
If anything Columbine should've been enough to stop bullying, and now it's worst.
There's vids out there of 6 kids wailing into 1 defensle youngster, and they're enjoying every minute of it.
What gets done about it? A slap on a wrist, boys will be boys, or a few days off school.
Oh it's so harsh a punishment. | |
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| Bullying & methods to reduce its prevalence/impact
Posted: 4/15/2008 3:39:07 PM | | Children, by nature, are self-centered and lack empathy for others. Having consideration for others is something that must be taught by example from the parent. Unfortunately, as generations pass, parents are becoming progressively more self-centered, themselves. As parental competency has diminished, bullying has become more prevalent (and more violent) than in the past. In my opinion, it is probably to late to do much about it, now. | |
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| Bullying & methods to reduce its prevalence/impact
Posted: 4/15/2008 8:57:49 PM | | One other thing that can be done to discourage bullying is to encourage all students to discourage it. If a bully is told "hey, what you're doing to (insert name here) is really not cool. Cut it out." a lot of times they will stop. Many bullies are bullies because they want to feel 'accepted' by their peers. | |
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| Bullying & methods to reduce its prevalence/impact
Posted: 4/16/2008 2:43:04 AM | Children, by nature, are self-centered and lack empathy for others. Having consideration for others is something that must be taught by example from the parent. Unfortunately, as generations pass, parents are becoming progressively more self-centered, themselves. As parental competency has diminished, bullying has become more prevalent (and more violent) than in the past. In my opinion, it is probably to late to do much about it, now.
I agree with Hank for the most part but not all kids are like that. I think the violent kids are rebelling against authority or have psychological problems so if you are in a position of authority then it would be very difficult to even reason with them. Making them understand that violating others will get their ass thrown in jail once they become 18 where they will become the ones being bullied would be impossible. What goes around comes around. Too bad it's later rather than sooner. Harassment is only harassment if the victim is willing to stand up for themselves.
Perhaps home schooling would be an alternative for the violent ones. That way they are with their incompetent parents and your worries will be over. It is their problem after all.
Good luck with that... | |
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| Bullying & methods to reduce its prevalence/impact
Posted: 4/16/2008 11:41:44 AM | a good thing to tell anyone being bullied is that there are bullies everywhere in this world and you are going to deal with a lot of BS as you grow...but when karma comes back to bite the bullies in the ass its great to see them suffer like they made you suffer...even on the forums theres bullies so honestly you can't avoid them but you can always remember what goes around comes around...and they will get theres later in life in a way that matters to them
hopefully that made sense | |
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| Bullying & methods to reduce its prevalence/impact
Posted: 4/16/2008 12:03:39 PM | Thanks for the further thoughts shared. I've found that the kids themselves provided the most insight. After involving them in an (assessed) exercise where they had to discuss in small groups what bullying was, their experiences, the problems with it and the problems in addressing it, I found that most of them were affected by this exercise. It is now 5 months on and they still bring up the topic with each other. They police each other to a limited extent -- they have actually provided the best solution of all, in the end....
Whenever any of them is seeming to be remotely picked on, even in fun, usually in fun, or even given hassle by a teacher (including me!) they go into a little clownish routine of "oh you're bullying me!" or "Miss! miss! She's bullying him...". The situation gets turned into a joke before it stands any chance to get beyond the odd little mean remark and they all end up laughing together, usually at the 'bully' and with the 'target'. The 'target' gets their power back by evoking the joke and getting everyone to laugh. I'm impressed by them. I don't think they consciously planned this solution, I don't think they could have carried it out if they had been instructed to do so, but after being forced to discuss the problem among themselves, after discovering to their surprise that almost every one of them had been bullied (seriously) at some time and after those who had bullied others bravely talked about why they did this and how they felt about it - they have been able to deal with it in their own way.
I don't know how transferable the methods they are using are: I suspect that they are simply suitable for the particular dynamic of the group and that any one individual trying to use these techniques in another group would have limited success, but it should at least make them feel safer to say "help help, I'm being oppressed". Humour can be a great leveller.
I really admire my students. They came up with a solution that I didn't think of, one that's working for the situation they're in and so I go back to what many of them suggested for the college and for workplaces to take the time to do: education on this issue, education and bonding/team building exercises. It sounds kind of blah, but it seems to give the kids the tools they need to fix the problem themselves (of course if there was any serious physical bullying etc then it's a disciplinary issue). | |
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| Bullying & methods to reduce its prevalence/impact
Posted: 4/17/2008 12:50:55 PM | Imagine Rune if what your students accomplished in one classroom could be taken college wide?
The combination of education, developing ideas themselves, and the bonding/team building can actually change people's lives.
The high school my daughter attends describes things as "the way we do things here". They have really created "community" that is very student focused - especially as much of it is generated by the students themselves with faculty in very much an advisor role. It is impressive. This tiny school is very focused on social justice, to the point where someone exhibiting bullying behaviour is really considered out of line by other students.
It is seen in countless other areas as well... they frequently raise more money for charity than schools 4 and 5 times the size, involvement in school is higher than the norm and, because they take ownership of their behaviour, disciplinary problems are also lower than the norm.
We expect people to know how to work well with other people, but all too often it isn't taught how to do this. Sounds like your exercise brought out the building blocks for this very effectively. | |
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| Bullying & methods to reduce its prevalence/impact
Posted: 4/17/2008 12:58:49 PM | | ^^^I'm not certain it can be *taught*, (I take no credit for teaching these kids this method - they came up with it - I'm not even sure they're aware they're using it) but it can clearly be learned or discovered. It's not that they now have a culture where bullying is "out of line", it's just that it's a cue for laughter and jokiness rather than tension. I do wonder whether it could be replicated but I suspect that different groups would have different methods to handle it successfully so having an idea of pushing the students to a particular method could be counter-productive. | |
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| Bullying & methods to reduce its prevalence/impact
Posted: 4/18/2008 1:48:30 AM |
Whenever any of them is seeming to be remotely picked on, even in fun, usually in fun, or even given hassle by a teacher (including me!) they go into a little clownish routine of "oh you're bullying me!" or "Miss! miss! She's bullying him...". The situation gets turned into a joke before it stands any chance to get beyond the odd little mean remark and they all end up laughing together, usually at the 'bully' and with the 'target'. The 'target' gets their power back by evoking the joke and getting everyone to laugh. I'm impressed by them. I don't think they consciously planned this solution, I don't think they could have carried it out if they had been instructed to do so, but after being forced to discuss the problem among themselves, after discovering to their surprise that almost every one of them had been bullied (seriously) at some time and after those who had bullied others bravely talked about why they did this and how they felt about it - they have been able to deal with it in their own way.
It is a coping mechanism.
But not only that its one that gracefully saves face of both the bully and the 'victim' -- crucial for good relations. Or even just working relationships.
People underestimate the power of graceful sincere on the spot humor as a social and/or business lubricant in everyday life.
Yesterday I was in such a situation and instead of getting mad and frustrated that ms X missed the point, I re-explained to the coworker sitting next to her -- within direct earshot of the one who misunderstood. She said something and I run with the intent of it saying "She is shifty that way" and of course she started turn to look at me to shoot me the typical woman's THE LOOK until I caught her glance and winked at her. Then, in that instant, all the negative stress of the situation was gone.
I think she even felt complimented in a sense since to be shifty is to be clever.
When she left work she even lingered on the outside of her work area with us common customers -- wouldn't be surprised if she wanted more attention or even trolls for a date from me in the future.
Glad to hear your students resolved it, rune3. | |
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| Bullying & methods to reduce its prevalence/impact
Posted: 4/18/2008 8:31:17 AM | Wow, I have to say this thread was just heavily saturated with some very powerful emotions and passions. I also feel I must insist that this fighting fire with fire notion that the first and second page had many examples with, literally turned my stomach.
It is the most elementary, backwards and fearful notion to BULLY THE BULLY! You should be disgusted with your pride for the violence you've continued, and should seek psychological help. Would you murder a murderer? (yes some would I know, total other topic)
Well let's see then, hmm, how about molest the child of a child molester? How does that sound?
Or, I don't know, perhaps rob blind the grandmother of someone who stole the stereo out of your car.?
Go to it vigilante, I can't even put into words my horror, sincerely.
This is sick thinking, this does not help ANYONE, and it did not help you. You sank to a new low, and it probably wasn't the first or last time.
That being said, I think your experiences have been amazing Rune3 and am so in awe of your passion for your position. People who see the world for what it is and still want to change it for the good are becoming rare and precious jewels.
I'd also like to say, I DO understand the desperation that being pushed into a corner can bring, and the following behavior that brings the relief, so please don't waste my time bullying ME about my opinion of you. In fact, my entire point is going to be based on just this notion.
Let's just for example explore the position of the victim. I truly believe as a people we are very backwards in our fight for survival as a species. Sometimes I think the only reason we exist is pure luck and a lack of condoms. There is this conditioning of people into classes that is a very strong animalistic urge and can not be shaken from us. I believe there is entirely too much confusion to the importance and relevance of different kinds of people, and a strong pressure towards enabling what are considered "the weak".
I'm going to try my hardest to be concise:
Intellectual people are no more superior than anyone else besides endeavors in which intellectual knowledge is needed.
Physically aggressive people are no more superior than anyone else besides endeavors in which the ability to be physically aggressive is needed.
Intellectual people have the specialized ability to facilitate ways to ease the life of others.
Physically aggressive people have the specialized ability to put to work the thoughts of others, where perhaps they could not.
There are many many different kinds of people, but these two kinds specifically are what are usually brought into direct odds when it comes to bullying, and these two kinds specifically have the specialized ability to inspire each other into autonomy, empowerment, new facets of their abilities, protection and help.
Every person on this planet has the ability to give to others, what they do not naturally possess, or at least visualize the way for them to find it on their own.
I'd also like to say, for the "tree thinkers" (as opposed to the forest thinkers) what was eluded to by another poster:
Bullying at it's core has very little to do with insecurity, and everything to do with contempt. This notion of insecurity is an arrogant projection of the victim. The bully attacks the victim because the bully feels he is being considered inferior when he knows he is NOT. His violence is his defense for his natural archetype. The victim is as much an instigator as the people who coddle him.
Not everyone can have an alpha personality, but these people should not be segregated for their physically honed natural abilities. See: dumb jock. See: Bill Gates.
Also, this notion of "Karma", drop it. The facts are plain, people DO get away with many things for the rest of their lives, sleep well, and die peacefully and many people miss them. The fact that you have to tell yourself different is your own personal damage, and does not help you into anything but a vindictive attitude. Check yourself.
When your child comes home and says he has been the victim of bullying, explore the reasons your child has become a victim, and if you've done anything as a parent to facilitate that. Have you really tempered your child's abilities with the proper humility? Have you really taught them empathy? Have you really taught them understanding? Or do you immediately just counter with "well you're better, take your lumps, or give some out" and feed this planet sized monster.
As a kid, I was a fat, shy, intellectual, Jehovah's Witness. Everything about my place in life was totally asking for it. I accepted that, and found my own happinesses, and it has not scarred me or made me feel hate for my attackers, or really, feel any hate of any sort. I hope what I've said has brought some small kind of new perspective, or at least maybe a new angle to go from. | |
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| Bullying & methods to reduce its prevalence/impact
Posted: 4/18/2008 11:13:44 PM |
please don't waste my time bullying ME about my opinion of you Criztine, I'm sorry that you feel the need to post in this way. I don't see anyone bullying anyone else or bashing anyone's perspective on this thread and I can only guess that your strongly worded "don't waste my time bullying me" is one effective way that you have found to cope with the problem - draw the line and demonstrate your ability to be strong/aggressive before the issue even arises. Maybe you don't see your own aggressiveness in this statement, but I feel anxious in responding to you, as if you are going to bash me. I think that whilst you say you disagree with bullying the bully, you are actually doing something quite similar by demonstrating your ability to be harsh with people, warning them off. Possibly a different perspective for you there.
When your child comes home and says he has been the victim of bullying, explore the reasons your child has become a victim, and if you've done anything as a parent to facilitate that. Have you really tempered your child's abilities with the proper humility? Have you really taught them empathy? Have you really taught them understanding? Or do you immediately just counter with "well you're better, take your lumps, or give some out" and feed this planet sized monster. I think it's unrealistic to expect a parent to teach a child all this. For humility - many bullied children are so humble they hate themselves, they tend to be the most sensitive and empathetic of their peers and to show greater maturity and self-control (which is why the bully can consider them a safe target). Finally,
"it is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society." Krishnamurti
I like your example, Random Entry, assuming you never meant your comment to be an insult... but simply a warm observation of idiosyncrasy. I find it much more positive to tease someone for their self-defeating or obstructive way of doing things (after all, we all do this kind of thing) than to sneer at them for it. You just have to laugh at the way we humans conduct ourselves at times - can't take ourselves too seriously... | |
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| Bullying & methods to reduce its prevalence/impact
Posted: 4/19/2008 3:57:34 PM | Lol, after the fact, I could see how a person would perceive my response this way. That has a high tendency to happen for me on forums, when in reality, if this conversation was happening face to face, the way I came across would be clear, a person concerned with this violence begetting violence attitude that seems so prevalent and accepted as a solution to this problem.
The stories of beating attackers bloody does upset me a great deal. I can't personally imagine how that really would make a person feel empowered. I think psychologically this is one of those high stress reactions that can have devastating consequences and should be greatly avoided.
If I sound defensive, it's because generally my devil's advocate approach to most issues DOES get me bashed profusely, and it's almost second nature to put a disclaimer in now, almost as natural as saying "bless you" to a sneeze. I do apologize if I made you feel anxious.
I just don't think you can turn around and say to a bully "you're a bad person and should be isolated" (not to you personally rune, the tone of the thread) which seems to be some people's approach. I don't think a bully's reaction to that is going to be "well damn, guess I best get nice". I think it brings nothing but more contempt.
I think this problem has a great deal to do with a superiority issue reinforced among some people. I guess maybe an example would help. I remember in middle school this guy in our class was picked on a great deal. He was very smart, but extremely filthy, hateful and unimaginably arrogant. By picked on I mean, people would walk by him and say "my god you stink!".....he did! His response to these things were "well at least I'm not some fcuking moron who's only endeavors in life are to play basketball and work at a gas station".
Like, how can this attitude possibly help the situation? I think a lot of students, including myself sympathized with this person, but it was more a compassion for someone who's practically running his face into fists all over the place, and wondering what mental illness he had for doing so.
Of course, this sounds pretty specific, but there are countless other kids through school who's responses to even the most minor every day student digs ranged from "Thank you!" (strange, not helpful, arrogant sounding) to "oh ya, well at least my parents don't beat me you inbred jerk" (MEAN SPIRITED).
I just guess in some situations in life, maybe it wouldn't hurt for the victim to put aside the mask, and say something simple like, "That was a hurtful thing to say. Why did you say that?"
Is that so naive? To call it for what it is? Not in a condescending tone, but out of curiosity.
Just like some more physically minded people to be short on words to express their feelings, some intellectually minded people can be really short on feeling.
I disagree it's unrealistic though to expect a child to have some humility. I think by the time the child has gotten to a point they are hating themselves for being bullied, they've gone through a great range of emotions which are unbiased and badly reinforced. From the "what did I do?" which automatic response is always "nothing" (you don't know that for certain, it could have been a misunderstanding) all the way down to, "I'm going to ignore these people who are attacking me" when perhaps the solution should be that admittedly scary verbal confrontation, which at that point, is only scary, because you're supporters have villiafied this 60 pound 4th grader to you.
There will always be aggressors. There is a need for aggressive people, and it isn't in a daycare setting. I think to expect people to be something they're not is like offering a person with a specific skill set the wrong job, or maybe the wrong person; you.
I think humor is the great healer. I think a lot of bullied kids take themselves WAY WAY too seriously, which is a hard habit to get out of, especially when you're sensitive. Kids used to come up to me with faces prepped for my emotional downpour saying "ha ha ha you DON'T have a christmas??" to which I'd look blandly up and say "um, nope?" and go back to whatever I was doing, because that's about all the input I had on the topic! More often than not, half the gang would wander off, and the other half would sit right down with me and say "why?" like we were always equal. | |
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| Bullying & methods to reduce its prevalence/impact
Posted: 4/19/2008 4:36:34 PM | OP Forgive -- I did not read following posts and I only read yours, because this is what I am addressing and it is a concern of mine also. I sssoooo applaud your efforts in addressing this social issue.
Bullying, first needs to be given a global definition -- obviously it's an issue of disrespect that is "justified" in the mind of an "offender." It is a SOCIAL issue that is rationalized. Neither one of the "offenses" of bullying or other-wise "correcting an ill-fitting individual " is acknowledge by the one who does the admonishment.
Speaking only for my own awareness, I do NOT believe most bullies see themselves as bullies, or intolerant, but rather "inforcers" of some unspoken social demand -- it is the basis of all rude responses (even here in the forums).
I am surprised you're dealing with this in college. It really is a gradeschool issue -- or should have been. A college student should, by now, have gained some self-advocacy and not rely on the system to define/advocate/protect them.
If they have not made through to college learning how to deal with bullies ... pffft ... send them home -- to my thinking the educational system has failed them in social adjustment guidance, has allowed them to turn into Parent-Protected tenderfeet or Antisocial Sociopaths -- the latter being the most common outcome in my honest opinion.
Stop taking the "victim" aside to teach them how to deal -- take the friggin jerk aside and tell them to tolerate differences, or contain their behavior in situations they cannot tolerate (because it is expected) or to leave the system, stating that is "warning," in all due respect for the intolerance, but either change the world at a more appropriate time, or fit in.
I applaud your efforts -- this is a difficult social issue in which "civility and manners" seem to be out the window. | |
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| Bullying & methods to reduce its prevalence/impact
Posted: 4/19/2008 7:01:56 PM |
Stop taking the "victim" aside to teach them how to deal -- take the friggin jerk aside and tell them to tolerate differences, or contain their behavior in situations they cannot tolerate (because it is expected) or to leave the system, stating that is "warning," in all due respect for the intolerance, but either change the world at a more appropriate time, or fit in.
About darn time someone said it like it is! The victim of bullying so often gets the blame for the bully's bad behavior. The fracking bully should be dealt with and dealt with harshly. If bullying isn't stopped at an early age, these kids oftentimes grow up to be criminals who have no empathy whatsoever for other people's feelings. Bravo to you, Beckylee, for telling it exactly how it is--the BULLIES are the ones who should be punished and corrected for their behavior, not the victims.
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| Bullying & methods to reduce its prevalence/impact
Posted: 4/19/2008 8:49:09 PM | I am surprised you're dealing with this in college. It really is a gradeschool issue -- or should have been. A college student should, by now, have gained some self-advocacy and not rely on the system to define/advocate/protect them. Beckylee, the problem of bullying is one that is prevalent among adults, in most situations but frequently at work, where poor managers will bully staff rather than manage them. Sadly, it's not something that just goes away after people reach a certain age. It just gets more subtle and less easy for people to talk about because of the association with it being a problem that is restricted to children. Bullying in the workplace is recognised as being a serious reality and problem for many people.
Thanks for your other observations.
I just guess in some situations in life, maybe it wouldn't hurt for the victim to put aside the mask, and say something simple like, "That was a hurtful thing to say. Why did you say that?"
Is that so naive? To call it for what it is? Not in a condescending tone, but out of curiosity. I agree, Criztine. Sadly, few adults can approach situations like this - they are emotionally triggered by the bullying behaviour and feel too upset to respond calmly. Helping them to not feel threatened and upset by the behaviour is a massive step in getting them to a position emotionally, where they can handle it.
I disagree it's unrealistic though to expect a child to have some humility. Oh, you misread me. I don't think it's unreasonable either - I just don't agree with you that humility and compassion are something that can be taught and that the parent should be held responsible for failing to teach if the child lacks the ability to learn these things. That's all. | |
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| Bullying & methods to reduce its prevalence/impact
Posted: 4/22/2008 11:48:35 AM | Now now, lets not be too hasty on the humility and compassion. I think there's many ways to teach that. Me and my son do a lot of walking and outdoor activities, interacting and viewing many different people. As an 8 year old child, he has absolutely uninhibited curiosity and asks me questions about people or makes observations that can easily be built upon.
Like "hey look, that person has two canes, why is that?" is a perfect opportunity to talk about disabilities and the difficulties of living with them. I mention how fortunate he is to be healthy and how he has the ability to help other people, and that should make him feel grateful and willing to help.
I remember when he was 4 and he cut the cat's whiskers off, I made him tell me a story from the cat's perspective to teach him empathy. It went something to the effect of "I'm a little kitty, oh no where are my whiskers! I'm bashing into walls! I have a headache!" it was both hilarious and a learning experience as he never did an unkind thing to her again.
I do think you're in a tough position though, by college age these bad behaviors of bullies and lack of compassion and empathy are deeply ingrained but I think at any age it's a useful exercise to put ones self in another's shoes, through writing, acting and skit comedy, and what have you. See I can be reasonable when I yank my foot out of my mouth, lol! | |
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