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| How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/25/2007 10:14:23 AM | | Enjoyed and appreciated all the posts from everyone. I've made some changes in my profile and will even make more. Also, I decided to take my picture down for a while and only make it public once I meet a lady online. I may change back and forth depending on how it goes. I'm just enjoying having communication with people at the moment. After a heart and head wrenching break up the healing process goes on for quite a while and we adjust to the changes in our lives. Having you guys to bounce ideas off of in brain storming sessions definitely increases my possibilities! Thanks for all of your inputs! | |
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| How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/25/2007 11:09:46 AM | Goodmorning Bob.
Sorry you took your picture down. I've been there a couple of times...but bounce back. Maybe here in the not to distant future, you will have a happier outlook and then get a new pic taken. You'll be surprised. My first pictures were terrible! But I felt I had to be honest.
My ex had left and about six months later, I went on line. Did I ever look the wreck!
HAPPY WS | |
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| How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/25/2007 1:26:18 PM | simply single..
So you're hiding..and that's okay..but it's a loss of integrity for Bob to not announce his past right on his profile. !
Call me what you will..sweetcheeks..azzhole..that's your loss of integrity..not mine. I never claimed to be anything (a dating expert (?)) but positive. If that upsets you..that's not my problem. Obviously you have a problem..and one with putting your pic out for one and all to see on the forums as well as on your date site. That's your choice..not that I "want" to see your pic..but..when spouting to someone else about lying and integrity on a profile..maybe you should think about your own profile and what you choose to allow people to see up-front on it right from the start first. Oh..and..I don't "date" other women..so..you won't have to worry about an e-mail from me..and Bob doesn't live close enough for me to date. Sorry Bob. My loss.
Putting yourself out there is just what we're doing. Not some..but all..the minute you start a profile. Bob..it is ultimately your choice of what you put on your profile. My suggestion seems to be one a few others share. Negative points on a profile are just that..negative. No matter what that negative point is..deaths..divorce..prison..or half dozen other possiblities. Negativity still begets negativity. If it's a positive future you're looking for..staying positive on your profile is best. Just as was suggested by others as well..their is plenty of time for a full explanation later. After you've e-mailed and/or met a woman.
Moraima..
That's my point..I compared a negative point..with another negative point. I didn't judge between negatives. Bob was judged..found guilty..and served his time. I didn't judge either one of the actual negatives..or either one of you. I'm sorry if that's how it seemed..or how it came out in type. I was trying to use examples of negativities..and used my own divorce as an example as well. Bob's moved on just as you moved on with your life..and I have with mine. The other point is that the past is best left in the past until after their is corospndence..and/or a meeting first..not differentiating the cause of the negativity. Yes..widow is listed on your profile where it is categorized..and no..their is no category for prisoners..past or present. I don't think a dating site would have that category. Yes..their is one for drug use..but then again..some..not all..but some drug users..may very well be carrying a deadly disease that others should know about..and the fact that drugs are illegal is a good point for someone that may date a drug user..taking their chances being in the company of someone that might get busted for it and you going down with them. Conspiracy chargers. That's understandable. If Bob were still in prison..or had just gotten out and was on probation..that should be put on his profile (although..I somehow doubt anyone would announce that). He's not though..that was 30 years ago..and yes..I imagine anything of that magnitude..or yours..or even mine..sticks with us and plays a HUGE role in our lives..but..is a profile the place to announce the past let alone any negative past history? I still think not. | |
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| How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/25/2007 1:38:24 PM | "I compared a negative point..with another negative point"
Wow.........now I am confused. I though people who nursed their spouses through a terminal disease were to be respected. (Silly me!) Seriously - I won't be accepting that being widowed is a negative, especially in comparison to someone who has been jailed for a crime. OMG next people who have had their children die from natural causes will be placed in the same catagory as someone who did time in prison.
To me, no one is responsible for another person dying of natural causes. While someone who has committed a crime is responsible for that happening in their lives.
The issue is what has that person done to turn their life around.
Whether a person hides a prison record for a few dates or tells people straight up, it depends on a lot of factors as to whether each would work better. Mostly it depends on the person who is being invited to date by op. | |
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| How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/25/2007 1:57:10 PM | | Moraima...one thing in your posts is very important... the problem with people pigeon holing others. If everyone knew and considered the circumstances and all the other things that happened to cause the crime I was convicted of then they would see what I experienced and know that I was and still am a very good person....however, like narrow minded politics that pigeon hole all of us low life ex-con's...I am expected to be above reproach yet I am denied a real estate license, can not run for public office, must be a self supporting member of society, am not allowed to teach school, lots of good things I could be doing that would be very good for society but the pigeon hole I am in blocks lots of opportunities for the public to benefit from my abilities. | |
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| How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/25/2007 2:13:01 PM | Well, Bob...you are finding out that alot of times the OP's original intent in starting a post...gets lost in other people's trips.
Hey everyone, can we stay on topic for Bob's sake????
Most everyone has been constructive...lets just not get personal and wrapped up in our little misunderstandings..ok?? | |
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| How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/25/2007 2:13:41 PM | Sad when you've done the crime then done the time, that you are still being judged, but OP, that's our society for ya. Seems there are those who love and dwell on a person's negatives, rather then help build up the positives. Before spilling my guts about everything about myself, I'd wait til I got to know the person better, we've met enough times that a level of confidence has been established. If it should result in nothing more then a good friendship, once they learn about your past, you've already achieved your objective, ten-fold.
Hang in there kiddo and never say never. All of us deserve to be happy regardless of our past mistakes. We live. We learn. We right our wrongs. We move on. Good luck to you OP and God Bless.  | |
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| How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/25/2007 2:17:36 PM | | I doubt you would think of those times as "good times" moriama..that's what I meant by a negative versus a positive event. I'm not categorizing the event..just the negative feelings that go along with that event..no matter what that event includes. Responsibilty only comes in when you "judge" the actual events. Yes..the ultimate decision is Bob's..as I stated. However..putting anything negative on a profile will only bring few..or negative results. No matter what that negative is. Their is also no category for loss of a child on POF. Does that mean you should put that disclosure on your profile? Perhaps some would mention it..but..detailing it you end up with sympathizers..not possible dates. Nobody wants a pity-date..let alone a pity-marriage (been there..done that..doesn't work for either party trust me on that one. I married because I felt sorry for my ex..baaaaaaddd choice.) Keeping a positive profile allows people to know..not just think..maybe..they've moved on. Announcing that Bob IS a plumber is considered both honest and positive..announcing he was in prison 30 years ago is honest..but it is a negative. Choosing the widow category is honest..and a positive when the profiler does not choose to go into detail about that event right on the profile. A negative would be to dwell on a past negative event on the profile..no matter what that event includes. Yes..taking care of a spouse..or anyone when they meet their demise is always commendable..and that makes the event less painful and more positive. The event itself is not a happy one..and that is what makes the experience on whole a negative one. Details of any kind that are negative should be left for those that may mean something more in your life than a person looking through the local matches section. Leave that for the more intimate..or select few that may mean something more in the end. | |
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| How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/25/2007 2:33:05 PM | Lets all keep in mind that "ALL" that has happened to each and every one of us has molded us to who we are. Be it good or bad. It's formed who we are. Life's experience and roadblocks define us. I'm sure we ALL could use a 'lil therapy on some issues. This is the book we write called LIFE.
I say "accept me for me"!! | |
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| How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/25/2007 2:43:17 PM | Woodstar..Moraima and I are good friends here.. ! We decided a while back that it's more than okay to agree to disagree on posts. It's all a learning process. Everyone brings their own cards to the table and spills their hands..sometimes it doesn't come out on type the way it's meant. We get it..eventually.
I understand simply single is going through a process and I sympathize with and for her. I do understand her healing herself through the forum. I stated my opinion on whether "details" on a profile of past or past negative events of any kind are the correct way to get a date..or try for a meaningful relationship. No malice intended on my part. She seems to be a VERY strong and passionate person..and I'm sure their are times we will agree on points on certain posts..this just doesn't seem to be one of them. No biggie.
Bob..this question is obviously one that is debatable. It's up to you to decide what should or should not go into your profile. It is your profile afterall. I still feel somethings are better left for the one woman that may make your heart beat faster..not a possible passerby.
I have stuck with trying to answer the OP's question from experiences of my own and those I've learned from others in the forums. I wish no one ill-well..ever. | |
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| How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/25/2007 3:02:46 PM | "I doubt you would think of those times as "good times""
You would be wrong......................I think of those times with love and pride. My point is OP can't be pigeoned holed by people if he doesn't accept his pigeon holing.
The fact that op can't hold certain positions is something OP needs to take up with and change the law.
Personally, if someone comes up with a big bunch not so good things after a few days, it isn't going to matter how cute they are or how appealing their story is, I would feel like I had been conned. I can compare it to all types of dating situations, but I am not going to.
I maintentain that some folks will be ok with learning about it after the fact, and others won't. | |
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| How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/25/2007 3:11:43 PM | ^^^ That is so true, but why air all your dirty laundry in your profile. OP, I know you are an honest person or you wouldn't even have asked this question.
When the time is right for you to approach the subject, then that is when it should be done. Go by your heart and intuition. I wouldn't bring it up with a casual acquaintance, such as in an e-mail... once you get to know someone a little better, then it probably would be a good time to bring it up... some will reject you, and some will take what you have to tell them in the context that it is given. Most everyone has some skeletons in their closet... Some are just bigger than others !! | |
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| How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/25/2007 3:46:42 PM | Moraima..I was honored (positive) to be there when my mother died..however..her death (negative) was still a very sad event. The death not the caring was the event. The caring of someone when they are ill is an honor (filled with love and pride..ingratiated for spending what time was left with that person)..but..not the main event. That would be the death. The death itself is negative..and death will always be negative. It's the death that goes in the obituary column of the newspaper..not a congratulatory note to the care-giver or surviving spouse. Now do you see what I mean? I know you well enough..I think..that you wouldn't mean the death of your spouse or the possible suffering until that death was a good thing. That's why people sympathize and empathize with the care-giver or surviving spouse..because it's extremely painful to watch and know that you can't stop the natural process which is death..even at the heighth of those caring and sharing moments. The death of any person..I would hope anyway..would be the main and sad event..negative.
Bob..I hope you're learning something through all of this. The person you once were..you say..and I believe you..no longer exists. Why put that in a profile? Leave it for it's time and place. | |
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| How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/25/2007 6:01:22 PM | ^^^^^^^^ I wish people would NOT assume that just because they feel a certain way, that all other people would feel the same way.
There is no right and no wrong answer to OP's question. People can twist things anyway they want to. In plain English, some people would accept someone who has been convicted and spent time in jail and some wouldn't.
How many other people that the know or have meet in their lives who have also been to prison might make a big difference in how accepting they are. | |
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| How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/25/2007 9:59:02 PM | Yes you're right on that Moraima..it may take a person who has walked in those shoes to become that long lost love..then again..it may not.
The point is..I treat my profile the way I would an add in the paper. I put the basics of what I'm like..what I want..and my statistics. The rest..the details are best left for the meeting. If I've discussed "everything" in advance..what's left to talk about? The point of a meeting is to get to know the person better..and to see if their are those loving qualities between us..even after all the beans are spilled.
That way I'm not imposing anything on anyone..here or on my profile.
Bob..
Glad you decided to weigh all the advice and opinions before acting on your profile..I hope we all had a hand in helping you. Take care..and good luck to you Bob
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| How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/25/2007 10:08:53 PM | *HANDLE ??!!*
..{Sorry . . inside joke about our cat named 'Handle'}..
We've All got Some form of drawbacks or shortcomings . .
I either don't publicize them...or just discount them .. as not a big detriment ..
to anyone with a sense of romance and sincerity . .  | |
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| How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/25/2007 10:24:41 PM | Well i may as well share what i shared in a email with BOB...there are thousands of folks who have family members who have done time and they also have seen those family members turn the next corner like Bob and i am quite sure they can relate to his situation...and my healing is done folks but the stigma toward suicide is still out there...
I choose to defy stigma cuz i do not want another human to not feel they can not leave that issue behind and have life after, just like bob has a stigma, i have one attatched to me...that was what i was relating however that was "assumed" to be my healing...my goodness if i was not past that card i could not talk openly about the issue...
for the record my usual questions are criminal record and my purpose is to clear the base ground with the human i am interacting with so they understand stigma is not an issue here...that is a standard question for many folks off the line and it is not necessarily a bad thing if your dealing with another human who has a issue like stigma in there own background...so there are many ways to look at this issue as well.
a funny story....i was talking to this one man and in the interaction i told him that i had crohn's disease....and he said so your really special funny i have it to...neither one of us was comfortable at first but when we discovered that common ground it was hilarious. We where not matched for other reasons but it was so funny..i learned that there is no fear in relating stuff like that cuz if that human can't or chooses not to deal it...they have the option on the line to bolt and i do not get deeper into the past...
so now that i think of it...hollllllllay i have 2 stigma's...perhaps i should change my name to stigma...chuckles...
goodluck to anyone doing a dual with stigma from others...it is only there cuz to many folks do not lay it down and deal off the line and then they end up getting hurt cuz that human that they are talking to feels like they where lied to and had to corner you for the information...i have had that to...where they say....when where you going to tell me....and then you feel like your devalued....
so i lay down the bad and cut the ground off the line cuz i am oh so done with appologizing to others for A)a disease and B) a suicide must mean your wacked...
and i will not waste my time on some human who thinks that...
met to many who whined and cried that i was not telling this information and it
frankly was not fair to either of us...so i learned to be forthright off the line...and they either try to relate or bubye off the line...simply and to the point i do not hide chit.
I do not expect to con my way into anyones life and i expect forthright off the line cuz that is what I give. To each there own...this works for me..chuckles
is the developed man part of my personality.  | |
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| How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/26/2007 6:15:12 PM | Being honest versus telling to much...its a dilema I face everyday of my life.
Sometimes, I am a little to honest. Shoot myself in the foot at least once a month...if not more
Redarchangel and Moriama: I love 90% of what each of you post. I have been in the forums now for close to two years...but I still have difficulty when two people appear to be "sparing" at the original posters expense...(meaning his question or statement is put aside while you make your point>>>to each other).
I concur it is my issue...and will defer to you both. Nothing more needs saying. | |
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mw6
| | Joined: 10/22/2005
Msg: 45 | |
| How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/26/2007 7:11:49 PM | Bamma Bob
After reading most of these posts and reactions to your original question, I think you have to agree that , most people, when given an honest account of one's past, are willing to give all of us the benefit of doubt; a second chance. Just think of all the politicians or famous people who have messed up and then start to lie and deny. Most people when discussing these people say, that if the person would just fess up and tell the truth, forgiveness is not far behind.
Be true to yourself, believe in your own self worth based on WHO YOU ARE NOW, not back then. What you think of yourself is what is important, not others.
I think you have found a supportive group here. I hope that all these posts have given you things to think about and work with in a way that will benefit you most.
Good luck.
MW6 | |
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| How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/27/2007 7:11:00 AM | I would have to agree with Woodstar on this one. A good topic/thread is taken and dumped into the chitter 90% of the time here.
There are some who tend to forget, this is a PUBLIC forum, which means, not ALL opinions will be agreed with, and because of this, CERTAIN people need to hammer there point until it is completely a waste of space. IMO.
Putting up a profile is done by one who feels the need to put themselves in the best light possible, whether it's spill your guts type or with hold as much as possible. In this case, Bob has asked for comments about his, and has said he has made the changes advised to him, BUT, what I think some of you have missed is, no matter what Bob has changed, it's still written in his thread history. So more wasted time has been spent trying to hide the truth.
Bob, I believe what you started, here and on your profile is brave and shows that you are on your way to becoming what ALL humans what. To be forth right and complete in body and soul.
On the other hand, lol, not knowing the crime, makes it difficult for me to say one way or the other if I would ever engage in conversation with someone with a prison record. So yes (I) would like to know up front what someones crime was. There are just some things in this world that (I) have a hard time forgiving people for, 1 being child abuse, and 2 murder. Even the second one could be over looked if it was self defense, but to out right kill, I'm history.
Call me narrowed minded if you will, I can accept that, but this is also how I am being honest to myself and to those around be. Is it a bad thing? maybe, but this is how (I) live my life, and however you feel to run yours(Bob) should be ok by your OWN standards, not how it is written here in a dating site. Do what feels right for you and everthing else should fall into place. IMO | |
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| How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/27/2007 7:44:32 AM | All we ever need to know in datingland, we should ask Clay. Common sense, and straight to the point with no candy coating of this question makes sense to me.
(No, we don't want to get into discussion the particular crime OP. Please don't think that is what we are asking. It is none of our business unless we are becoming an important part of each others lives.)
I would have to agree that certain crimes would be difficult if not impossible to forgive, or the fear might happen again in times of strain. ie. killed spouse for trying to leave. (Which obviously isn't the case here.) | |
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| How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/27/2007 3:24:30 PM | | My biggest negative aspect is my marital track record. I've been married 5 times. I don't put that in my profile, but if a man and I begin corresponding, I do tell him within the first one or two emails. It's only fair. It would obviously be a major turn-off for some men. Although I must say, that it really hasn't seemed to bother any of the men I communicate with. One man turned it into a compliment by saying, "I think if that many men wanted to marry you, you must be a very special lady.". So, thank you, John, for the compliment! | |
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| How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/28/2007 5:27:01 PM | Regardless of the schwing of the comments...I do appreciate them. The particular one that stepped in my cherrio's came at me as nice and understanding "I'm not a goody two shoes or anything like that"... then asked for details... so, when she got them she bolted then when I attempted to get her attention again she came back with not only annoying but degrading comments without considering the circumstances of the "event" (to put a sugar coating on it). However, in cyberspace, no matter what we say or the format or medium, what we say is only words and there is little to support whether I was testing her or actually giving details. So, philosophically speaking....there is no truth. There is only data and until you experience the truth you have to accept it as just words in the ether as words on paper.
We accept many truisms out of our assumptions and so called proof by statistical analysis whether a mere mentally calculated hypothesis or empirical fact. To this, I put the test in concerning the photo. I removed the photo and got little response. I had previously gotten only responses after contacting my intended prospect. Once the photo was removed I tweaked the profile some and toyed with it until I came up with a challenge approach. The numbers may not be big as compared to the female vixens with suggestive lithe and nubile bodies and sensuous photos. However, the fact that I got 3 responses from the personal alone indicates that issuing a challenge is a very good selling tool and has far surpassed the photo approach that is standard stock in trade on these sites. To that extent, the bottom line here is "selling technique". Polishing our profiles will increase sales so to speak. The ones I generally have had the most attraction do not have the greatest physical attributes or the prettiest history. But they have the best attitude about people and life and exude an ability to see through the walls we put up in the thinly veiled facade of our profiles...... damn, almost got poetic with that one! | |
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| How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/29/2007 4:31:46 AM | I dunno dude. I just added some stuff to my profile. I met this cute and sexy chick on here. We even did video conferencing, she was beautiful. So I invited her into town. Damn good thing she could not make it... so she asked if she could phone, I sed SHHHHHHHHHOORE! anyway the second she got on the phone she watch ****ing about every damn thing in life you could imagine. So I changed my profile, I forget what it says, go look, but it is to the point ya know.
Myself, I am a peaceful individual and it took me years to get there. I sure as hell don't need somebody ****ing about shit in life where they have no control over.
I dunno if this answers your question or not. But anyway check out my profile, seems maybe a little harsh, I don't know. But the trip is maybe you will get some ideas from that.,
Peace man!
Randy | |
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