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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 9/8/2004 11:21:37 PM | | Do you know why snowmen smile?.....You'd smile too, if the snowblower was coming!! | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 9/8/2004 11:26:40 PM | Why can Miss Piggy only count to 68?
Everytime she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat. | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 9/8/2004 11:28:06 PM | These are taken from actual court transcripts:
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere. | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 9/8/2004 11:40:19 PM | | Jesus this is great...okay...there's this kid with a chronic masturbation problem. At least 10 times a day, this kid's dad walks by and sees him playing with himself, disgusted with his son's obsession. This goes on for weeks, when finally, the dad decides to take some action. I sits down next to his son and says, "boy, put that thing away, for God's sakes...I'm gonna help you out today. I'm gonna go into town and find you a woman, so you won't have to do that anymore." "Thanks dad!", says the young boy. Later that day, the dad comes back from town with a beautiful young woman. The boy, obviously ecstatic with his newfound friend, takes the woman inside. Later that night, the dad walks by the front porch and looks over to see his boy sitting there for the millionth time...just spankin' away. He says to him, "son...just what in the hell are you doing?! I got you a woman, so you wouldn't do that anymore." The boy looked up and said, "she WAS helping dad...but then her hand got tired!" | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 9/9/2004 9:37:51 AM | | Romeo, thta was funny but disgusting. | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 9/9/2004 10:02:22 AM | Two doctors and an HMO manager are killed in a train wreck and line up at the Pearly Gates for admission to heaven. Saint Peter asks them to identify themselves.
One doctor steps forward and says, "I was a pediatric spine surgeon. I helped hundreds of kids overcome their deformities."
Saint Peter says, "Enter."
The other doctor says, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped rehabilitate thousands of people."
Saint Peter nods and invites him into heaven too.
The third applicant steps forward and says, "I was an HMO manager. I helped countless people get cost-effective health care."
Saint Peter tells him, "You can come in too."
As the HMO officer walks by, Saint Peter adds, "But you can only stay for three days. After that you can go to hell."
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Everybody on Earth dies and goes to heaven. God greets them and says, "Men, make two line: one for those who dominated their women and one for those who were whipped. All the women can go with St. Peter."
After about an hour, God returns to find 2.5 billion men standing in the whipped line and only one guy in the dominant line.
"You men should be ashamed of yourselves!" God cries. "I created you in my image, and all of you cowed down to women? Can any of you explain this?"
No one dares to say a word.
God then turns to the man standing alone and says, "Tell me, my son, how did you manage to be the only one on this line?"
"I don't know," the guy replies. "My wife told me to stand here." | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 9/9/2004 10:49:58 AM | | A man died and went to hell. The devil greeted him and said, "oh boy, I got another one. I'll tell you what; since I'm such a nice guy, I'm going to give you three choices for your eternity." "What the hell", says the man. The devil then says, "I have three doors to choose from. Here is door #1". The man peers inside the first door to find millions of people standing in feces up to their waists. They're all standing there gossiping and drinking coffee. Then the devil points and says, "here is door #2." The man looks into this door to see the classic hell; people burning and screaming. He quickly closes the door and says, "I KNOW I don't want that one." "Okay, okay", says the devil. "I've got one more for you". The man looks into door #3 to find millions of people with needles stuck into their skin. Every pore of their bodies are stuck with these tiny, unbelievably sharp needles. "Well?", says the devil, "Have you decided?" The man says, "Yes, I think I have. That crap room doesn't seem so bad, I'll take door #1". "Very well", says the devil, "Off to enjoy your eternity". The man walks inside as the door shuts behind him. He peers around at all the people standing in fecal matter, and then looks down at himself. Then, out of nowhere, a man comes out blowing a whistle and says, "Break's over!! Everybody back on your heads!!!" | |
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alura2
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Joined: 3/18/2004
Msg: 33 | |
| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 9/9/2004 1:27:59 PM | a virgin bride and her husband coem home after thier wedding day...
the husband leans over gives her a kiss and says honey lets go upsatirs and get busy..
the bride blushes and say shh no honey these apartment walls are so paper thin everyone will hear us and know what we are doing!!
hey i got an idea she says.... anytime we want to do it well say it i n code hmm like honey did you leave the washing machine door open??
ok they agree...but the bride was too shy when they got upstairs and into bed she ended up falling asleep.
She woke up at 2 am. saw her naked hubby and she started feeling frisky..she gently wakes him and says hunny....by the way did you leave the washing machine door open??
yah..but i diddnt need any help closed it myself...it was a small load anyway so i did it myself.. | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 9/9/2004 2:40:04 PM | | A pizza delivery boy walks up to a house and rings the bell. A beautiful woman wearing only a button-up shirt answers the door and says, "how much for the pizza?" The boy repllies, "that will be $9 ma'am". The woman undoes one of the buttons and asks, "how much was that again?" "$8 ma'am", says the boy. She undoes yet another button and says, "how much??" "Uh...uh...that's $6 ma'am", he says. Then, as she starts to undo the last button, the woman pulls the boy inside the house quickly and says, "hurry! get in here! I think someone's coming!" She closes the door, drops the shirt, and asks the boy, "tell me, what do you think is the best part about me??" The boy replies, "your ears, ma'am." "My ears??!!", she exclaims, "why on earth would that be my best part??!!" The boy then replies, "well, you know how you heard someone coming?" "Yeah", says the woman, "what about it?" Then the boy quietly says, "well...it was me!!" | |
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alura2
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Joined: 3/18/2004
Msg: 35 | |
| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 9/9/2004 2:50:26 PM | make you go hmmmmmmmmmmm..........
who was the first person to look at a cow and think hmm i wonder if i sqeeze thes dangly thingies can i drink what comes out??
if a hearse is carrying a body can it drive in the carpool lane??
who was the first person to look at a chicken and say whatever comes out that end im gonna eat it??
who was the person who ate something funky then says TASTED LIKE CHICKEN??
who made up "HAPPY HOUR" if all you do is drink yourself into oblivion?? | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 9/9/2004 2:54:05 PM | More things to make you go hmmmm....
If Wal-Mart is lowering it's prices every day, why isn't everything free yet?
If you take an oriental person, and spin them around 12 times, do they become disoriented?
Why do they put locks on public bathrooms...are they afraid someone will clean them?
If the black box on the airplane is so indestructible, why don't they make the whole damn plane out of that stuff?
If you eat pasta, and then eat anti-pasta, are you still hungry?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 9/9/2004 4:52:47 PM | | What did cinderella say when she got to the ball????????????????????? AAAAAGHCK!!!! (gag reflux sound iffects) lol | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 9/9/2004 5:04:30 PM | What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
A piece of ass that makes your eyes water!! | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 9/9/2004 7:03:23 PM | What did the mayonnaise say to the fridge?
Close the door, I'm dressing!
Why was the ketchup last in the race?
It couldn't ketch-up!
Why did the cabbage win the race?
Because it was a-head!
What does Batman's mom call when she wants him to come in for dinner?
DINNER dinner DINNER dinner, DINNER dinner DINNER dinner BATMAN!
What's the name of the little girl who went out saving wolves?
Little Green Riding Hood
Who carries a basket, visits Grandma and steals her jeweler?
Little Red Robin Hood
What were Tarzan's last words?
Who greased the vine!
What do people do in clock factories?
They make faces all day
Why did the tap dancer retire?
He kept falling in the sink
Why did the boy wear a belt on his teeth?
He couldn't find his braces
How does the biologist like to communicate?
With his cell phone!
What's the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can't tuna fish
What's got a trunk, lots of keys and four legs?
A piano up a tree
What would the U.S. be called if everyone in it drove pink cars?
A pink car-nation!
What would the U.S. be called if everyone in it drove pink cars?
A pink car-nation!
What would the U.S. be called if everyone in it lived in their cars?
An in-car-nation!
What would the U.S. be called if everyone in it lived in their cars?
A re-in-car-nation!
Why did the crab get arrested?
Because he was always pinching things
What do whales eat?
Fish and ships. | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 9/9/2004 7:22:14 PM | What do you get when you cross Smurfette with the Pillsbury Doughboy?
A little blue person with a yeast infection! | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 9/12/2004 7:05:09 PM | Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds.I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart.I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.
Sweetheart: I want you.Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung: OK.
Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom.There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table.I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse.My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.
Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure.The cool silk slides off my warm skin.I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse.I'm sorry.
Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
Wellhung: I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don't worry about it.I'm wearing a lacy black bra.My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra.I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly.I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.
Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.
Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!
Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.
Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.
Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.
Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.
Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What's the matter?
Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?
Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.
Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.
Wellhung: Me too.
Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately - our naked bodies pressing each other.
Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?
Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What's the matter now?
Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
Wellhung: I'm flaccid.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.
Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.
Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray,picture frames and your candles.
Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!
Sweetheart: { [logged off] | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 9/12/2004 7:50:29 PM | A body builder steps into a crowded bar one night and immediately spots the most beautiful woman across the room. Their eyes meet. He walks over, sits down next to her and they strat talking. Eventually, they decide to go to his place. They get there, sit on the couch and make out for a while then decide to go to the bedroom. Once there, he strips off his shirt and flexes his arm, pointing at his bulging muscles and says "Look at that baby, thats a thousand pounds of dynamite!" She groans and grabs him. After a bit, he strips off his pants and flexes his legs, pointing at the enormous muscles saying, "Look at that baby, thats a thousand pounds of dynamite!" She grabs him again. Finally, he strips off his underwear. The girl screams and runs out of the room. He catches her at the door and asks, "Why did you scream and run away?"
"Well," she responds, "With two thousand pounds of dynamite and a fuse that short, i was afraid you were gonna blow!" | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 9/12/2004 8:06:49 PM | Haha!! I like that...ok...
A blonde and a brunette decide to rob a bank. They pull up across the street in a van, and the brunette looks over at the blonde and says, "you understand the plan, right? In and out in five minutes..." "Yeah, yeah", says the blonde. "I got it, I got it".
The blonde runs inside, as the brunette sits and waits with the van. 5 minutes passes...still no sight of blondie. 10 minutes pass...then 20...before the brunette knew it, it had been 30 minutes.
As she was about to drive off, the blonde comes running out dragging a safe with a rope tied to it, and a security guard stumbled out and hit the ground with his pants around his ankles, firing a shot as the two women got away with the safe.
*SMACK!!* The brunette slaps the crap out of the blonde and says, "I thought you understood the plan!!" "I did what you said!", said the blonde.
"NO, NO, NO...", says the brunette. "What I told you was...to tie up the guard and blow the safe!!" | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 9/15/2004 7:15:10 PM | @ Ex====> OMG that's funny as h3LL!
Q: what does a gay rooster say in the morning?
A: Anycock'lldo ! | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 3/26/2005 12:29:00 PM | | hope this gets me kicked outta here | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 3/26/2005 3:55:52 PM | | hurricane hits miami 20 minuites to leave who evacuates 1st? the gays they already have thier shyt packed | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 4/27/2005 10:14:24 PM | | omg, too funny, keep it up , i love it! | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 4/28/2005 6:26:25 PM | | why does the avon lady walk funny? | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 4/29/2005 1:13:26 AM | Q - What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
A - The prostitute will stop screwing you once you are dead. | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 4/30/2005 7:51:42 AM | LOve is 3 m
First : love is a misery
when you love someone but someone doesn't love you . it's misery
Second : love is a miserable
when you love someone and someone has never responded your love . IT;s miserable
Third : love is a miracle
if both of you love each other and your lover can make it comes true
ouwwwwwwwwww it;s a miracle from Lord | |
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