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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 4/30/2005 7:51:55 AM | The crystal glass bowl
Sister Mary Holycard was in her 60s, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon early in the spring a young priest came to chat, so she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She then invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young priest noticed a crystal glass bowl sitting on top of it filled with water, and in the water floated, a condom.
Well, imagine how shocked and surprised he was. Imagine his curiosity! Surely, he thought, Sister Mary had flipped or something!
When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat, and of course, the priest tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water, and the strange floater. Soon it got the better of him and he could resist no longer.
"Sister," he asked, "I wonder if you could tell me about this?" (pointing to the crystal bowl)
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful?"
"I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know I haven't had a cold all winter!"
ACE | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 4/30/2005 7:57:27 AM | Ladies
what will you call to the man who is very cold in feeling ????
i prefer to call the man as the iceberg | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 4/30/2005 9:43:09 AM | Three brothers
There were three brothers who bought a three story house. The eldest brother had the top floor, the middle had the middle floor, and the youngest got the bottom floor.
A little while after they moved in, the eldest brother brought over his girlfriend. During that night, the two younger brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, ahhh.
The next morning, the younger brothers asked their brother what the noise they'd heard last night was.
He replied, "Click-turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and Ahhh-landed on my girl."
The middle brother was excited by that, so he brought over his girlfriend the next night.
During that night, the two other brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, ahhh.
The eldest and youngest asked him what the noise in his room last night was. He replied, "Click- turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and Ahhh-landed on my girl."
Now, the youngest brother was really excited. So he brought over his girlfriend, and that night, the older brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
In the morning, the older brothers asked him what the noise in his room was.
So, he said, "Click-turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-landed on the bedpost!
Ace | |
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| Women Are Complex Creatures.......
Posted: 5/4/2005 1:12:28 PM | If you kiss her,
you are not a gentleman
If you don't,
you are not a man
If you praise her,
she thinks you are lying
If you don't,
you are good for nothing
If you agree to all her likes,
you are a wimp
If you don't,
you are not understanding
If you visit her often,
she thinks you are boring
If you don't,
she accuses you of double-crossing
If you are well dressed,
she says you are a playboy
If you don't,
you are a dull boy
If you are jealous,
she says it's bad
If you don't,
she thinks you do not love her
If you attempt a romance,
she says you didn't respect her
If you don't,
she thinks you do not like her
If you are a minute late,
she complains it's hard to wait
If she is late,
she says that's a girl's way
If you visit another man,
you're not putting in "quality time"
If she is visited by another woman,
"oh it's natural, we are girls"
If you kiss her once in a while,
she professes you are cold
If you kiss her often,
she yells that you are taking advantage
If you fail to help her in crossing the street,
you lack ethics
If you do,
she thinks it's just one of men's tactics for seduction
If you stare at another woman,
she accuses you of flirting
If she is stared by other men,
she says that they are just admiring
If you talk,
she wants you to listen
If you listen,
she wants you to talk
In short:
So simple, yet so complex
So weak, yet so powerful
So confusing, yet so desirable
Good people are good because they've come to wisdom through failure.
Yet we get very little wisdom from success
(Anonymous)
We are not really that bad | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 5/4/2005 3:21:58 PM | A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible.
The instructions were that the short story had to contain the following three things:
(1) Religion
(2) Sexuality
(3) Mystery
There was only one A+ paper in the entire class.
Below is the A+ short story...
"Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it." | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 5/8/2005 7:42:17 PM | man I had a dream last night i was a muffler, I woke up and I was exhausted!!! | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 5/8/2005 7:43:02 PM | what do you call an anorexic with a yeast infedtion??
A quarter pounder with cheese | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 5/8/2005 7:43:41 PM | what do u call english sandels??
PHILIP FLOPS | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 5/8/2005 7:43:50 PM | what do u call english sandels??
PHILIP FLOPS | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 5/8/2005 7:45:10 PM | what do u call a gay guy in a wheelchair??
ROLAIDS | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 5/8/2005 8:10:36 PM | Three women -- one German, one Japanese and a Hillbilly -- were sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. "That was my pager," she said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese women lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, "That was my mobile phone.
I have a microchip in my hand." The Hillbilly woman felt decidedly low tech. Not to be out done, she decided she had to do something just as impressive.
She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her. The Hillbilly woman finally said,
WELL, WILL YA LOOK AT THAT - IM GETTIN' A FAX." | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 5/8/2005 8:28:29 PM | So, St. Peter's working the Pearly Gates right, checking in car accident's and grandmas when suddenly he hears a huge explosion down on Earth. Wouldn't ya know it, a jail exploded, and 500 fu.kin inmates show up at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter looks down in his book, no inmates listed, so he looks up and runs to God.
He says "God, God, there's 500 fu.kin inmates at the Pearly Gates...whaddo I do?"
God says "Heaven, Hell, Purgatory, do somthin with em"
So St. Peter runs back, looks in his book, looks up and their gone.
He runs back to God and says "God, God, their gone, their gone!"
God goes, "What, the 500 fu,kin inmates?"
St. Peter says, "No, the Pearly Gates" | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 5/8/2005 8:46:24 PM | So, these two muffins are in the oven. One turns to the other and says, "Is it getting hot in here?"
The other one says "OH MY GOD, A TALKING MUFFIN!" | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 5/8/2005 11:25:50 PM | TEN WAYS You Know You Married a COP!
10. When you start an argument, he calls for back-up
9. Refers to bedroom as "The Pokey"
8. Secret desire to see you in a Kevlar nightie
7. Calls farting his "silent alarm"
6. The obvious nightstick reference.
5. You never hear him say, " OH, Man.... not donuts again !!"
4. Refers to his winkie as "the ol' breathalyzer!"
3. Stops you in the middle of sex to ask you if you knew how fast you were going.
2. Handcuffs don't turn him on anymore.
1. YES, that IS a gun in his pocket !!!!!
ACE | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 5/9/2005 9:14:55 PM | A priest was supposed to serve at a diocese, but he wanted to take the day off.
So he calls in that morning and said he was sick.
Instead of staying in bed, he packs up his golf clubs and heads to the golf course.
Looking down from Heaven, St. Peter sees this and asks
"Lord, are you going to punish him?" God replies "Yes. I will. Just watch."
So the priest tees off on the first hole....Eagle! Second hole....Double Eagle!
Third hole....Birdie. Fourth hole...Eagle. And on it goes.
Again St. Peter asks "Lord, aren't you going to punish him?"
God replies "Yes. I will. Just watch."
So the priest continues. 16th hole....Birdie. 17th hole....Double Eagle.
18th hole.....Hole in One!
As the priest loads his golf clubs into his car, St. Peter says
"Lord, I thought you were going to punish him."
God replies "Who's he gonna tell?" | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 5/12/2005 5:22:25 PM | Two guys in a bar are watching the TV. There is a news report about a man who threatens to jump off a 5 story building unless the cops give him 3000 dollars. One guy at the bar says to the other: "I bet you 100 bucks the guy jumps". The other guy takes the bet, and the guy on the TV ends up jumping. The guy hands over the $100, but the winner gives it back, saying that he had already seen the guy jump on the earlier showing. The loser says "Well I saw it too but I didn't think he would jump again"
ACE | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 5/12/2005 5:23:24 PM | Three women worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, the boss left work early. One day, the women decided that when the boss left they would leave too. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early? The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, had some playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband. But when she got home, she heard a muffled noise coming from inside her bedroom. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead said they planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. "No way," she said. "I almost got caught yesterday!"
ACE | |
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| Add a joke
Posted: 5/14/2005 2:45:04 PM | Fckin hilarious---- I had a metro. And that story was way, way too familliar. great on gas in light traffic, but don't EVER takem over 55!!!! | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 5/14/2005 7:44:53 PM | | what's the only food that will kill a woman's sex drive? | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 5/15/2005 9:34:50 PM | That was cute but here it goes: A woman who loves chili way too much finally reaches her 1 year anniversary with her new husband. So she decides to go to the mall to buy something for the special occasion when her car breaks down on the way home. She starts out for the long walk home thinking "If I could just have one bowl of chili he will never know!" (the prenup she had to consent to stated she could no longer eat chili because of the bad effects!) A few hours of walking go by and she is nearing a restaurant that has the delicious scent of homemade chili emulating from it. Covertly,she sneaks inside. She orders a bowl and as she waits she thinks "1 bowl can't hurt anything! By the time I walk home,the gas will be gone and it will be my little secret!" The chili arrives.
2 hours later she leaves the diner and toot toots all the way home. Her husband's car is in the driveway."This cannot be good" she thinks to herself as she lets one rip before entering the house.
The moment she enters the home,her husband,clad in evening formalwear,blindfolds her and leads her by the hand to a seat at the dining room table. "Happy anniversary,dear." he greets.
Suddenly,before he can untie her blindfold and surprise her with his anniversary gift,the telephone rings. "Honey,"he says, "stay right where you are. I will be right back" and off he goes to the kitchen to answer the ringing telephone.
"Now is my chance!" the woman thinks as a silent,but deadly fart escapes from her behind.
the smell is horrible but the woman smiles as she lets another,loud and horrendous this time. The smell it is creating is atrocious and as she fans away the order from her ass she laughs out loud and even cackles and says, "It is awesome being married. He will never find out about this!!"
Just then she hears her husband hang up the phone and head back into the dining room. Quickly,she regains her composure and puts on a face of total innocence.
"I am so sorry to keep you waiting,love. I hope you enjoy our anniversary dinner. I made it special just for us." Just then,he removes her blindfold and there,in front of her sit 12 horrified dinner guests!  | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 5/17/2005 4:32:58 PM | Two zebras pondering
Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white
stripes or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well I don't
know. You should pray to God about that and ask him." So that night he did
and God replied, "You are what you are." The next day he said to the other
zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are
what you are." The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black
stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is."
ACE | |
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| A Hermaphrodite
Posted: 5/17/2005 5:37:36 PM | A Hermaphrodite. (This is for the women.)
After Susan gave birth to a baby, her doctor stood solemnly at her bedside.
"I have something I must tell you about your baby."
Alarmed, Susan demanded: "What's wrong?"
"Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
"What's that?"
"It means your baby has both male and female parts."
"Oh my Gosh that's wonderful!" Susan exclaimed. "You mean it has a penis
and a brain?" | |
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