| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 5/17/2005 5:46:04 PM | this is a lame fat joke but what the hell im fat 2 , what do you call a whopper with cheese? a fat woman with a yeast infection  | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 5/17/2005 10:59:25 PM | what's the difference between pink and purple?
the grip!
hope it wasn't already posted! | |
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longte
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Joined: 10/18/2004
Msg: 78 | |
| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 5/18/2005 4:38:14 AM | Old Man on his death bed smells cooking
Drags himself of the bed
Down the stairs, following the delicious scent of his favourite cookies
Strength waning reaches the kitchen
Reaches up to the kitchen table with a wavering hand
"WHACK across the knuckles"
Get away from them you old Buzzard"
They are for your wake" | |
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foggyb
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Joined: 4/13/2005
Msg: 79 | |
| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 5/18/2005 6:59:09 AM | What goes...
clippity-clop, clippity-clop
bang-bang
clippity-clop, clippity-clop
An Amish drive-by shooting  | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 5/18/2005 7:47:08 PM | One day God came to Adam for a brief discussion. "I've got some good news and some bad news." God said.
Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and replied, "Please give me the good news first."
Smiling, God explained, "I've created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve will be very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will be able to conceive children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great and wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 5/19/2005 1:18:14 PM | | A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead." There is a silence, and then a shot is heard. The guys voice comes back on the line. He says, "Okay, now what?" | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 5/19/2005 4:57:38 PM | why dont witches wear panties
better grip | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 5/21/2005 10:24:20 AM | NEW BRA
Houston: Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's b*reasts from jiggling and prevents the
n*ipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in. At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr.
Rickson outside and kicked the s**t out of him.
 | |
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elle j
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Joined: 5/14/2005
Msg: 84 | |
| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 5/21/2005 4:12:31 PM | Chuck Norris, Arnold Swartzenagger, and Jean Claud VanDam, were talking one day. Chuck Norris asked, "If you were a musician, who would you be?".
Chuck Norris said, "I would be Motzart." Jean Claud VanDam said, "I would be Bethoven." Arnold said, "I'll be Bach!" | |
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| Add a joke
Posted: 5/21/2005 4:53:57 PM | | Once ther wer 2 tramps outside in the cold on christmas eve, starving! cold! and hungry! "bob sez2 his frend "hey im starving, i gotta get sumut2 eat soon or im gonna keel over in this cold!" frend sez "yeah me 2, we gotta think o sumut or we wont last the night, and i so wanna see christmas morning!" Bob says "hey i gotta great idea!... watch this!" Bob bends down and up he scoops some dog sh#t on2 his hand and says "this aughta do the trick", so then he goes across the street 2a house and knocks.... Some guy comes to the door looks at bob and sez... "yeah wadda u want?" "Excuse me frend, av u got some salt and pepper 4 my dog sh#t?" requests bob, "Oh no, yack! u aint gonna eat that r ya?!!" shreaks the guy. Bobs lip hanging and shaking from his poor frozen face sez "yeah its all ive got, im starving!" "put that down and come in wont u, " sez the guy beckoning bob in2 his cozy lit beautifuly warm house. Wiping his hands and shaking off his coat he stept inside after turning to his frend who was still across the street stood under a tree looking totaly lost and winking at him very pleased. An hour and a half passed and out came bob with a big cheesy grin on his face, rubbing his swollen belly and burping every letter. "See!" sed bob to his frend, "u try it!" "im going2, dont u worry!" so off they went in search of some more dog sh#t! Bobs frend finds a neat frozen log in the snow and picks it up, chuckles to himself and goes to another house and knocks... Some guy answers the door and sez "yeah?... wadda u want?" "Excuse me frend av u got some salt and pepper 4my dog sh#t?" asks the tramp, "holy crap u aint gonna eat that r ya!!?" "yeah i gotta, its all i got, im real hungry!" sez the tramp... "Well sez the guy... ... come round the back, my dogs just done a warm one!" | |
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| Add a joke
Posted: 5/21/2005 8:20:44 PM | | once upon a time there was a little sperm. His daddy wanted to tell him about the birds and the bees. "son," he says, "there will come a time when u must meet ur destiny... YOu see that cave over there? When u hear the alarm go off, swim down that cave and go as fast as you can! and dont stop! And then u'll come to a big ball and u say 'Hi, im a sperm and it will say Hi, i'm an egg' and then u get it on" So, one say the sperm is grown up and hanging by the cave wondering what mysterious thing will happen when BAM the alarm goes off. He goes swimming down the cave as fast as he can. hes going hard and he looks back in an instance and see the rest swimming too. so he speeds up. suddenly up ahead he sees a big red ball. He says Hi im a sperm. The ball saws Hi im a tonsil | |
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| Add a joke
Posted: 5/23/2005 11:18:52 AM | An elderly man in the Southern United States calls his son up in North
Dakota and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that
your mother and I are divorcing; 45 years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand
the sight of each other any longer," the old man replies. "We're sick
of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your
sister in Boston and tell her," he says as he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like
heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls Arizona immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT
getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm
calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then,
don't do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?" Then she hangs up.
The old man puts down the phone, turns to his wife and says. "OK,
they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own airfares."
(Thanks for the idea, Fair_Lady ;) | |
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| Add a joke
Posted: 5/23/2005 4:03:22 PM | A woman is finishing up her shower and her husband is heading in for his shower... The Doorbell rings, she grabs a towel and heads downstairs to answer the door... Their neighbor Nick is standing there and says, "I'll give you $800.00 if you drop that towel... She does, he hands her $800.00 and leaves... She goes back upstairs to finish up in the bathroom, her husband asks from in the shower, "Who was at the Door?" She replies, "Nick." After a very short moment of silence he responses, "Did he mention the $800.00 bucks he owes me?"
A Turkey is talking to a Bull on the farm one day... "I wish I could fly to the top of that try." The Bull replies, "Well eat my shit there are a lot of nutrients in it." The Turkey figures it is worth a try and starts to eat some dung... He is able to fly to the first branch on the tree and says, "Hey, that works." The next day he eats some more shit and flies to the second branch... After 5 days of eating Bull Shit he is finally able to fly to the Top of the Tree... While sitting at the Top of the tree a Hunter spots the Turkey and shoots him...
Moral of the Story, Bull Shit will get you to the Top, but it won't keep you there...
Here is a Question for you... Should vegetarians eat animal crackers???
Q: What does Tiger woods have that's better than Princess Diana?
A: A driver
DOS: Defective Operating System.
WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System.
ISDN: It Still Does Nothing.
MACINTOSH: Machine Always Crashes. If Not, The Operating System Hangs
A priest gives a Nun a ride... When she gets into the car she crosses her legs and ends up showing some knee... In between shifting gears the priest puts his hand on the Nun's knee and then on her lower thigh... The Nun says, "Father remember Psalm 129." He quickly removes his hand and apologizes and shifts gears again... He then places his hand back on the Nuns knee/thigh... She says again, "Father please remember Psalm 129." He apologizes again and puts both hands on the wheel... He drops her off at the convent and continues on his way back to his office... Once he arrives he rushes in and looks up Psalm 129... "Further, Go Up Further and Thou Shall Seek and Find Glory."
Moral of the Story, if you aren't informed in your business you may miss a Great Opportunity... | |
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| Add a joke
Posted: 5/31/2005 11:41:44 PM | A man is in the back room of the church minutes before he is to be married when there is a knock on the door. In walks his soon to be mother in-law. She walks up to him and begins rubbing him up and down and tells the man that she cannot resist, She wants him now!
Without saying a word the man races out of the room. His soon to be father in law stops him in the hallway. HE says, son, I'm proud of you. I put my wife on the line, I sent her in there to find out if you were truly faithful and love our daughter. It looks like you are. Welcome to the family!
The moral of the story: Always leave your condoms in the car. | |
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-JoJo-
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Joined: 4/23/2005
Msg: 90 | |
| Add a joke
Posted: 6/1/2005 1:38:17 AM | A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two as*ses come together. I come once-a-more. Two as*ses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives...."
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'ma justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
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| Add a joke
Posted: 6/1/2005 11:35:37 AM | The Subject: Chemistry Test
The location: University of Washington Mid Term
The Question: Is Hell Exo-Thermic (gives off heat) or Endo-thermic (absorbs heat)
THE BEST ANSWER:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to
increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God." | |
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| Add a joke
Posted: 6/1/2005 1:51:19 PM | Two students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second student replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a Beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and yelled, "TAKE WHAT YOU WANT!!!"
The other student nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes wouldn't have fit anyway." | |
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| Add a joke
Posted: 6/1/2005 1:54:59 PM | | two guys walk into a bar..... one said "ouch" | |
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RDS345
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Joined: 5/16/2005
Msg: 94 | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 6/3/2005 10:43:18 AM | | two guys walk into a bar...the third one ducks! | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 6/3/2005 12:24:54 PM | What's brown and inside a baby's diaper?
Michael Jackson's hand
What do Courtney Love and a Hockey Team have in common??
They both take a shower after three periods
How many men does it take to open a beer??
None, it should be open when she brings it to you
Why is pubic hair curly??
Cause if it was straight, it'd poke you in the eyes
Why do rednecks like to make love doggy style??
So they can both watch NASCAR | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 6/3/2005 12:30:21 PM | What do you get when you have a big green ball in one hand, and a big green ball in the other hand?
*
**
***
****
*****
******
*******
********
*********
********
*******
******
*****
****
***
**
*
Complete control of the Jolly Green Giant | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 6/3/2005 12:43:08 PM | Wouldn't eat those canned vegtables, not the way he stands over that field
A man walks into his shrink's office wearing saran wrap underwear, The Doctor says, "I can clearly see you're nuts"
what's white and crawls up your leg??
Uncle Ben's perverted rice
WHy don't Baptist's make love standing up??
They're afraid someone might see them, think they're dancing | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 6/3/2005 2:09:27 PM | There are three men: a smart one, and stupid one, and a fat one.
The smart one has a granaid, the stupid one has an apple bomb, and the fat one has grapes.
The fat one throws his grapes, and then they see a boy crying.
They ask "Why are you crying?" The boy replys " I sneezed and I got snot all over me!"
The stupid one thows his apple bomb, and then they see another boy crying.
Why are you crying?" they ask. Its started to hail and it hit me in the head.
The smart one throws his granaid, and they see a third boy, but he is laughing.
Why are you laughing?" The boy said "'Cause I bent over and farted and my house blew up!"
______________________________________________________________________________My nephue told me that one, he is 11. | |
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| Re: Add a joke
Posted: 6/3/2005 8:56:48 PM | What do you call.........
5 blondes in a freezer--- frosted flakes
6 blondes standing in a line--- a wind tunnel
7 blondes standing in a circle--- dope ring
a guy with no arms and no legs sitiing on a porch--- matt
a guy with no arms and no legs inside a mailbox--- bill
a guy with no arms and no legs floating in a pool--- bob
2 guys with no arms and no legs sittin in a bathtub--- kurt 'n' rod
a guy with no arms and legs in the ocean---- F#CKED | |
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